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Welcome to this week’s Suss Report set at an outdoor Company picnic. As usual, the contents of ALL Suss Reports are ONLY intended to be funny. No offense should be taken. I ran into some technical difficulties and I had to change some scripts midway but thanks for your patience.. Enjoy as usual. This one reaching out to my girl FH, who is going through a rough divorce and has to rebuild her home from scratch. Hope you laugh at this one girl! [img]/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]
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A sunny afternoon in August employees turned out in numbers for their annual big bashment Company picnic at BoardLane park. They came anticipating a day of festivities and plenty nyamings. The atmosphere was lively - music playing, children running about, smoke filled the skies and the smell of good fun and drama to come was looming.
AT THE FOOD STAND
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Winnie: Oyeee missa D, yuh have any Bwoil Crab ina dah big pat deh side a yuh
Dgeorge: No Ms Winnie..di company noh supply noh crab dis yr.. If yuh waan bwail crab, yuh havi goh dung a King street or Orange street an look fi de lady dem a boil crab in a keresine tin...
Winnie: Seh wah? Big big company picnic an not even likkle bwail crab?! Why mi affi go all di way a King Street fi find crab???? Cho! Mi naah goh all di way dung deh cause mi owe certain people pan King Street drap han money an mi noh have it tideh.. Den mek a ask sinting now.. a wha dat ina di pat a bwail up soh den MissaD?
Dgeorge: A some chicken foot soup mi have...it smell good eeh.. yuh want a cup?
Winnie: Smaddy can nyam chicken foot soup ina disyah bwailing sun hat?!
The man standing behind her in line seemed very irritated with the quarrelsome lady.
RichD: Hi lady if yuh waan crab so bad mek yuh noh galang a crab bush?!! Galang goh siddung a riva side afta rain fall man .. yuh wi get all kina crab yuh waan.. Den fine smaddy fi len yuh one big ole dutchie pat an yuh siddung nyam to yuh heart content.. jus move out a big man way cause hungry out fi kill mi.
Winnie: Hey! Shut up yuh mout backa mi before mi lif mi foot an gi yuh one R** kick! No come tell mi fi goh a noh dam riva side wid noh dam dutchie pot ..all mi a waan is fi purchase di crab dem already boiled and well season up and wid likkle peppa. Yuh si how yuh dam head feva dem Home sweet Home lamp shade!
RichD: Yuh know is days like dis I wish I was one a dem big cactus tree ting dem down a alligator pond fi jus stan up ina di sun all day far fram people like unu..if unu come near mi, mi jus gi unu one r**s juk !…misis tek di likkle soup ar galang some weh! Yuh noh hear di man seh NO CRAB NOH DEH YAH!! .. (pushing Winnie to the side) ..Hey MissaD gi mi a large cup a dat Cock soup yuh hear.
Dgeorge: Mi neva seh a ‘Cock soup’ ..mi seh a chicken foot soup mi have..
RichD: Lissen to mi noh boss, jus gi mi anyting weh a bwail ina di blastid pat mek mi goh bout mi &%$@! bizniz!
Two ladies also standing in line had a look of disgust on their faces as they stood there listening to the conversation. One of them became so angry that she started to protest:
Rashieda: Tell mi something ..is all dis R*** cussing necessary?! Why di %@#! unu haffi use some much dutty &%$@! badwod fi get unu pint across!
Dumplin: Im wid yuh 100%Rasheida. Have mercy..look at all the young children running around and these grown folks carrying on like that. This is the same thing I have been talking about ova an ova again and not fi hell people wi learn fi andastan dat chidren mussn hear dis sh*t!
Winnie: (mumbles as he walks away) a caan tek ole negga. Any which part yuh goh dem up ina yuh bizniz… mi noh know why mi neva tan a mi yaad an watch TV or rent mi favorite movie dan come yah a tek dem kina libatty from people....
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The music from the high powered system was blasting in the background. You could see people all over the park dancing and rocking to the sounds of the sweet reggae ballads playing. A woman sang along with the ‘Terror Fabulous’ cut as she reminisces:
ThridEye: (singing) Have you ever seen a 45 before .. Does a man ever get murdered front of your door..You woulda bawl, say no murder me..Hey You woulda bawl, like a likkle baby".. (turning to ruthlois with spliff in mouth ) A one wiked chune dat! .. Jah Rastafari know, dat chune dey remine mi back ina dem days when mi use date one top notch shotta. Dat man use to tek mi troo all carnas a di ghetto ina im likle Lada cyar an wi jus pull ova an get busy back ina di bush. When wi done im jus put in im Terror Fabulous cassette an pull out im machine an bus two gunshat troo di cyar window – BLAP BLAP!! Mi seh dah rude bwaay deh use to gi mi some sweet romancing yuh noh (**puffs on her spliff**)
Fern: Cho! If yuh waan talk bout romantic chune yuh haffi check out di Marvin Gaye chune -Let's Get It On … dem dere is some sweeeet sweeeet memories .. Yuh tink dem noh call mi ‘Fern’ fi nutten .. Dem deh days mi speego use to gi some Sexual healing pon di rackstone dem ina Fern Gully bush ..front way, sideway, backway, cock up style ..all now yuh can still si di pebble mark dem pan mi chin..
The DJ spins another hit record by Cobra:
Flex time to have sex…Look how long yuh have di rude a sweat..Gal Flex time to have sex…Look how long yuh have di rude a sweat
ruthlois (with Red srtipe beer in hand) Now dat is di lick!! PLOW PLOW!! Si mi sang yah man ..WOOYEE ..mi memba when dah sang deh did jus come out.. one a mi Jamaican fren introduce mi to one rastamon dem use to call KnottyLocks..dat man coulda write some romantic poem fi mi yuh si sah..an im coulda Flex prapa ina di bedroom.. Yuh noh memba bout dem time deh Hottie hott?
Hottie Hott: (daydreaming away).. eeh eeh? Weh yuh seh?
Ruthlois: Wake up man! Mi seh, yuh memba dem time deh when ‘Flex’ did a lick?
Hottie Hott: **kiss teet** Mi noh have no time fi a a reminisce pan noh dam Flex .. mi deh yah a look one man hard,hard.. plus fi mi story too sad fi share wid nuh body...it betta mi write one book an mek dem tun it ina one Horror movie – dat is how frightening dat sh*t is… ThirdEye: Well when it comes to me Hottie, my strent is in my rootical connection wid my creator ..seen? Man a man, an di sistren fi jus show likkle more will power an patience ..seen? (**pufs on her spliff**)
[/b]Hottie Hott: [/b] Well, mi admit seh one a my weakness is impatience..mi waan get wha mi waan when mi waan it….di only ting mi really love more dan man is cheese cake .. man so dam scarce dat all mi a pictra now is mi ina one wedding frack a walk dung di aisle wid RollingCalf a nyam piece a chessecake.
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Seated on a park bench other folks were rocking along to the heavy base sounds as well. One lady suddenly realized that her best buddy has not arrived and decided to call her on the cell phone to check up on her.
Alpha: (dials a number and waits for a response) ..Woe is me! What a gwaan sista? How yuh noh reach a di picnic yet misis?..talk loud mi caan hear ova di music..
Mire: Hey Alpha, mi noh tink mi a reach again yuhnoh .. mi ina some serius pain..mi naah badda come..
Alpha: Wha kina pain yuh ina now Mire? Di pickney ready fi drap outta yuh belly arredi?
Mire: No sah, Alpha mi noh tek carelisness and bun up mi yeye wid di Curling iron dis marning. Mi seh evreytime mi blink, mi tink mi a go dead! All mi yeye lash bun off clean clean!
Alpha: Airght sistren hush ..drink some bush tea an den...
Jadine: (grabbed the phone from Alpha). Hey Mire whappen to yuh? … Eeh eeh poor ting.. sarry yuh a go miss di bashment. .. airight Mire, as soon as mi get more pics of mi likkle Angel mi wi sen yuh dem yuh hear? (hangs up)..Alpha yuh eva hear anyting so carliss fram yuh barn? Mi do some stupid tings ina mi life like ovadose pon calcium pillbut neva in mi life mi eva hear smaddy a bun up dem yeye wid curling iron!
Alpha: Yuh too wicked an bad… (laughing)..mek mi goh get one bwail carn an a plate a goat an feed mi maaga self yaah .. mi soon come back
AT THE FOOD TENT
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Back under the big tent where a few groups were seated eating or relaxing, Lawx seemed very fixated on one of her male co-workers, giving him a very stern stare.
Jazz: (snapping her fingers to get her attention) Hey Lawx what on eart yuh a stare pon Bandido1 soh fah?! Yuh like im aff or something?!
Lawx: Noh Sah! Nutten like dat ..im do mi a ting laas night weh mek mi waan march ova deh an tump im straight ina im rahtid mout!
Jazz: (excited voice) wooeee .. a wah im do yuh now Lawx? Tell mi noh!
Lawx: Di man im ask mi fi goh out wid im.. mi neva too ina im much but mi oblige anyway ..so laa night wi goh pon a likkle date an aftawords wi tek a likkle stroll unda di moonlight.... so misis all of a sudden im turn to mi an kiss pon mi lip. Mi tan up deh a savour di likkle moment, waiting fi Jesas drop outta di sky an a lissen out fi fireworks.. dat stinka tun to mi an seh: “Lawx, is how yuh kiss cole like ice bax soh?!..kiss mi neck! mi have one puppy name Rex weh kiss betta dan yuh to behine! ..” Yuh eva si smadddy soh brite?!
Jazz: Woiii if a laugh a deliva! ..Yuh tink a yuh wan get sheg by dem man yah.. check dis out.. Yuh si panman ova dehso.. im always a walk an a show im likkle batty roun di place so mi get im fi goh pon a small move a dis hotel fi sample di ting..
Lawx: Seh wah! … Gal tap yuh nize!
Jazz: Shhhh!!! Mek mi done talk noh ma! .. anyway, troo mi love si di likkle roun batty an yuh know im always full a nuff chat like dah one deh name SeeWeed.. mi did a anticipate di agony bad bad!!.. when di man tek off im pants mi had to seh some harsh tings to him Lawx.. mi look pon di sinting weh drop outta im boxa sharts and nearly dead wid laugh! Mi had to ask im if im cole, or if im need one bicycle pump fi pump dat ting up!
Lawx: (laughing hard) wooii mi a dead to cakafart.. an panman foot big soh?!
Jazz: Cakafurt, misis mi smoke faata joint dan dat.. mi did fraid fi squeeze it, next ting it goh squeak ina mi ears all night. No sah ..gal mi couldn work round dat a tall – not even if mi did stiff stone drunk to rahtid ..panman need surgery fi fix dat ting. Wooiiiii. Mi belly battam!! (*wiping yeyes*)
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The men folk gathered on the other side of the tent over heard the women laughter and began to have their little “man talk”:
Bandido1: A wanda weh dem ooman ova deh so a labba lababa bout now? A bet seh a pure su-su su-su dem a gwaan wid ovah dehso
Islandmutt: Must be some explicit sexual canvasation dem a have .. a soh when dem ooman a talk bout sex dem giggle giggle an caan tap kin blastid teet dem. Mi bet any money seh a bare dutty argument dem a chat..
Bandido1: Fi real yuh noh Mutty. Wen de dawtahz dem let dem hair down, nutten noh lef fi dem seh. Dem probably ova deh a talk bout some positian, ar smaddy measurement ..
Bankerboyz: Mutty, a true nuh baxside di ooman dem terrible wid di details dem. A same soh mi did have one gal a deal wid an everyone a har freaky fren dem come tell mi seh dem know seh mi Birtmark right ova mi batty crack…an none a dem neva si mi naked yet. Dem ooman tan bad yuh si..
Panman (turning red): Now dat unu a talk.. a wanda if Jazz ova deh a gi dat maaga gal Lawx description a mi loghood sah? ..
Cwee (choking on a powk bone): **cough cough*** Wait!Faada Pannie.. yuh tear dung dah gal deh?!!..weh mi seh? Mi rate yuh mi betern ..a gal bed fi bruck dung to B***Cleeet!
Panman: Ah big tings mi idren ..it goh soh!.. if wi tell a gal seh a 12 inches wi have, dat mean seh is 12 inches an more wi a pack. if wi seh wi laas all nite it mean seh all when cack a crow wi still deh pon di wok. wi noh have nuttin fi hide.. a lie mi berten?
Kingman: panman, tell dem yah… wi noh need fi lie bout nutten ..when a gal buck up pan dis a worries!. wi hafi have gal ina bungle! Mi ina di sharing ting so man can get a share off one a my gal dem ..More Fyah!
Cwee: Tap yuh R**s nize bout yuh hav gal ina bungle .. di ting name Msbens did a gi yu a one talk an yuh likkle black *** run like yuh a some punk! Likkle bway tap di nice before mi kuff yuh ina R**s head !
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The music was still blasting to compliment the festive spirit. The DJ changed the mood and switched to some sweet sounding oldies but goodies:
…September morn
Do you remember how we danced that night away
Two lovers playing scenes from some romantic play
September morning still can make me feel that way
UderCoverGirl: (placed her food on the table and jumped up cheering loudly) Brap braaaapppppppppppppp!!!! Woyyyee fiyaaahhh ! fyaahhhh- Dat one reaching out to all my septemba massive!!!!…Wi a di bes!!
Bajemama: (giggling) UndaCova.. yuh a mi a sistren but dat deh sang deh naah lick ..mi shame fi yuh so til..If a mi like yuh mi noh talk so loud seh mi barn pon Septemba..cause every bady done know seh Septemnba a di wos mont a di yr cause ono noh have noh big haliday like Toccumah, BreddaNancy an Kadooment Day!
Nyks:A wah kina eediat song dat?!!! …Smaddy can select dem elevata chune deh fi a picnic? Man I waan here some good rub-a-dub..Afta nobody een ere doan listen to Neil Diamond... All yuh Ms UndaCova, move fam yahso wid dat blasted nonsense!
FH:Nyks, is wich sang u ah cawl eediat sang?A big time calssic dat (holding herself tightly and rocking to the song) ..Is only because Sanchez nuh tief it yet why u neva hear bout it..A bet seh if im did do dah cut deh yuh woulda seh it ah one wicked chune!
Nyks: Pluuullleeaazzee!! Sanchez woulda never sing dat chune unless im did a tek coke....
Undacova mi wouldnt big up Septemba if a dat deh song deh a represent it!!- all yuh a do is a embarr-*** yuh self ..Smaddy tell dat DJ fi faas faas tun off dat "chune". It a gi mi on hell offa migraine to fallee tee..
UderCoverGirl: Unu eggs up eeh ..Mi jus a big up mi mont an it a bun di whole a unu....*kissteet*....mi nuh care wha nobody waan sey bout noh dam Sanchez and Kooodament day..mi sey SEPTEMBER is di bestest bestest month outta di year..mi dun chat....Slew dem!!
Nyks:**kiss teet** mek mi move fram yah so an go get one Ginger Ale cause di whole a unu sick mi stomach…
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A few ladies were sitting under a big tree eating fry chicken and chips fanning away Gingy Fly from their food.. They seemed to be commenting on everybody as they walked by:
Rose: Check out Ms Jazz noh..I like that snake skin shoes and dat Amani dress she is wearing.. dem look nice fi di fall fashion… I wish I knew where shi got dat dress .. I jus so into e fashion this year..
Guineppe: Rose dat look like a dress from Vogue or Cosmopolitan. Shi look well fashionable fi true …
Bashey: Did I hear you say Vogue or Cosmopolitan?! Hello! **kiss teet** .. Rose- honey dear noh lissen to Guineppe cause yuh noh si a jeans an t-shirt shi wear come a di picnic..shi noh have no sense of style. If yuh waan talk bout fashion den mi have all day.. I am what yuh call Ms Fashion Queen. My sexy top is from Gucci, my Batty ridda is by Guess, my knee high boots is by Jill Sander, my draws is by Versachi, nails by Sally Hansen, and lastly my hair by Yakasaki….
Guineppe: Is who dead an tell yuh seh yuh a fashion expert an edita fi Vogue?! Fashion Queen mi ***.. yuh dam so call fashian clothes dem mek yuh look like dem blastid derange Peacock wid di whole heap a brite color dem! Is who yuh tink yuh is.. big big summa an yuh ina knee high boot like yuh a expect di picnic fi flood out! (getting up with fist clenched ) Gal noh mek …
Bird of Paradise: (parted the two) Guineppe step aside fi a minute deh cause mi dehyah a lissen to di argument an mi hafii seh my piece. Lisen yuh 1983 fashion wearing trick! All yuh a do is try use dem deh ‘made in China’ clothes yuh a wear fi mek up fi di ooman yuh not pon di inside. A bet yuh a million dalla seh yuh buy dem siting deh pon di clearance rack dung a TjMaxx!
Bashey:comfortable exposing her bosom) Lissen to mi JANCROW, I can afford to shop at the drop of dime who dont like it bite it. I love my designer wear dem .. A $190 mi pay fi dis sh*t! dung a Lord and Taylor…as for being less than a woman you need to check yourself before yuh get a dah bakkle yah crass yuh head tap!
The uproar stopped everyone in their tracks. A lady was standing with her best friend who had invited her to the company picnic began to whisper:
TinyP: I know that girl yuh know Churchgirl …shi come into mi store all the time. She is one hell of a shopper. What shi an dem ova deh a argue bout now?
Churchgirl: Bashey? Yuh know har fi real?
Tiny P: Yes Churchie.. dat ooman is a superficial baragin hunta …always waan di bes tings wi have in di store an always a complain when wi noh have a Sale dat suit har.. Let’s go over there and si what di fuss is about..
As TinyP and Churchgirl got closer they signaled to get Bashey’s attention..
TinyP: Ms Bashey! Hi is me.. di lady from K-mart that you always help yuh out when yuh come to di store..
Bashey : (with a surprised look on her face) Meeee? Yuh sure is nat somebodyelse dat look like me? Mi have a twin yuhnoh… She is di bad one, nat me.
TinyP: Nah aah, it’s you for sure .. I recognize those hanging boobs anywhere… A si the shirt fit yuh nicely to.. maybe you should get some of you friends here to come down to Kmart when wi have our close-out Sale next week.
Guinippe: (leaping in di air) Mi noh tell unu man!!! Dat gal deh caan fool mi yuhnoh. Mi si right troo har blouse an skirt! Di gal a one good actress yuh noh! Mi tink yuh did sey yuh buy yuh clothes dem a Lord and Taylor.
SugarCane: Mi neva buy har story eida Guineppe!Unu si di gal a big time fraud! Lord an Taylor mi back foot…yuh need both di Lord an a new Taylor!
Bashey: Who di hell a talk you gingy fly .. well since yuh haffi put in your 2 cents ..mek a gi yuh yuh change b*tch!....dat Polyester pants yuh wearing lef di building wid Elvis yrs ago ..there is your change ..thanks for shopping with us again.. **cute yeye**
The ladies had enough of the insults and without warning Bird of Paradise snatched Bashey’s hair an began to lay some thick slaps across her face.. By this time the crowd was larger to catch a glimpse of the fight. Rose hollered and screamed..
Rose: GOOD LORD WHAT IS THIS?? This from me asking about a simple dress?? Stop it right now!! Stop it!.. MI SEH UNU TAP IT !!!
Bird Of Paradise: (being pulled off Bashey by Guineppe) That will teach yuh trick! Check yuhself before yuh step up to big ooman face!
Guineppe: Sekkle yuhself Birdie, shi noh wort it .. gwaan go cool off ova dehso.. Yuh si yuh Bashey yuh need help fi yuh canditian.. mi neva si yuh a run up yuh mout when Panman light up yuh *** laas week when yuh goh faas wid im .. yuh galang! Yuh days soon numba..
The crowd was stunned at what just took place.. No one cared to find out what the fight was about.,
Islandmutt: (shaking head) Bway it look dem ooman put on some tite drawz dis marning.. di whole a dem need fi reach up an pull or tek dem aff if it a squeeze dem.. **kiss teet**
Q3210: (hands in the air and preaching) Smaddy call di Shrink fi dem people yah.. It look like di blastid sun too hat out yah or unu have some ego chemical imbalance. Unu get so dam riled up ova foolishness like when prentice ah tun into jackass jockey…Unu mean seh unu caan disagree in an honourable and respectful manna instead a beat di sh*t outta unu one aneda? ..cho man..unu do betta dan dat!
FH True Q, seka a dem same foolishness wah ah tek place, some people stap support di company picnic.. but I swear to Gad ah nat gwine sit by idle and mek dem low-life-nahave-nuttin-fi-do ppl tun mi mine gainst free food a yr time. ...mark mi word!
The sun had clearly seen and heard enough from the picnic and decided to set for the day. By this time most had already left the park. FH dropped off Pinkeylou at her house and headed home after the long day out.. When she pulled up to her house, she heard Tarzan barking on the verandah furiously … she had never seen him this upset, she thought.
FH: Tarzan ..whappen to yuh? .. dem bad mine people set pizen fi yuh again?.. a wah do dis ole mongrel daag sah.. Im mus hungry, but mi neva did feed im before mi lef.. Ok, Ok, mek a go inside an fix yuh up some tun carnmeal…
She turns the key in her front door and entered the house…
FH: KISS MI MUMMA BATTY!!!… DEM RAMSACK MI HOUSE!! WEH MI COURTS FURNITRA DEM DEH?!!!…..Jesas Lawd, weh mi Fridge an Gas stove ??!!….Mi curtain dem!, mi dinett set, Mi Watnot!!..AAARRRRRHHHHH!!!!
[To be continued…]
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A sunny afternoon in August employees turned out in numbers for their annual big bashment Company picnic at BoardLane park. They came anticipating a day of festivities and plenty nyamings. The atmosphere was lively - music playing, children running about, smoke filled the skies and the smell of good fun and drama to come was looming.
AT THE FOOD STAND
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Winnie: Oyeee missa D, yuh have any Bwoil Crab ina dah big pat deh side a yuh
Dgeorge: No Ms Winnie..di company noh supply noh crab dis yr.. If yuh waan bwail crab, yuh havi goh dung a King street or Orange street an look fi de lady dem a boil crab in a keresine tin...
Winnie: Seh wah? Big big company picnic an not even likkle bwail crab?! Why mi affi go all di way a King Street fi find crab???? Cho! Mi naah goh all di way dung deh cause mi owe certain people pan King Street drap han money an mi noh have it tideh.. Den mek a ask sinting now.. a wha dat ina di pat a bwail up soh den MissaD?
Dgeorge: A some chicken foot soup mi have...it smell good eeh.. yuh want a cup?
Winnie: Smaddy can nyam chicken foot soup ina disyah bwailing sun hat?!
The man standing behind her in line seemed very irritated with the quarrelsome lady.
RichD: Hi lady if yuh waan crab so bad mek yuh noh galang a crab bush?!! Galang goh siddung a riva side afta rain fall man .. yuh wi get all kina crab yuh waan.. Den fine smaddy fi len yuh one big ole dutchie pat an yuh siddung nyam to yuh heart content.. jus move out a big man way cause hungry out fi kill mi.
Winnie: Hey! Shut up yuh mout backa mi before mi lif mi foot an gi yuh one R** kick! No come tell mi fi goh a noh dam riva side wid noh dam dutchie pot ..all mi a waan is fi purchase di crab dem already boiled and well season up and wid likkle peppa. Yuh si how yuh dam head feva dem Home sweet Home lamp shade!
RichD: Yuh know is days like dis I wish I was one a dem big cactus tree ting dem down a alligator pond fi jus stan up ina di sun all day far fram people like unu..if unu come near mi, mi jus gi unu one r**s juk !…misis tek di likkle soup ar galang some weh! Yuh noh hear di man seh NO CRAB NOH DEH YAH!! .. (pushing Winnie to the side) ..Hey MissaD gi mi a large cup a dat Cock soup yuh hear.
Dgeorge: Mi neva seh a ‘Cock soup’ ..mi seh a chicken foot soup mi have..
RichD: Lissen to mi noh boss, jus gi mi anyting weh a bwail ina di blastid pat mek mi goh bout mi &%$@! bizniz!
Two ladies also standing in line had a look of disgust on their faces as they stood there listening to the conversation. One of them became so angry that she started to protest:
Rashieda: Tell mi something ..is all dis R*** cussing necessary?! Why di %@#! unu haffi use some much dutty &%$@! badwod fi get unu pint across!
Dumplin: Im wid yuh 100%Rasheida. Have mercy..look at all the young children running around and these grown folks carrying on like that. This is the same thing I have been talking about ova an ova again and not fi hell people wi learn fi andastan dat chidren mussn hear dis sh*t!
Winnie: (mumbles as he walks away) a caan tek ole negga. Any which part yuh goh dem up ina yuh bizniz… mi noh know why mi neva tan a mi yaad an watch TV or rent mi favorite movie dan come yah a tek dem kina libatty from people....
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The music from the high powered system was blasting in the background. You could see people all over the park dancing and rocking to the sounds of the sweet reggae ballads playing. A woman sang along with the ‘Terror Fabulous’ cut as she reminisces:
ThridEye: (singing) Have you ever seen a 45 before .. Does a man ever get murdered front of your door..You woulda bawl, say no murder me..Hey You woulda bawl, like a likkle baby".. (turning to ruthlois with spliff in mouth ) A one wiked chune dat! .. Jah Rastafari know, dat chune dey remine mi back ina dem days when mi use date one top notch shotta. Dat man use to tek mi troo all carnas a di ghetto ina im likle Lada cyar an wi jus pull ova an get busy back ina di bush. When wi done im jus put in im Terror Fabulous cassette an pull out im machine an bus two gunshat troo di cyar window – BLAP BLAP!! Mi seh dah rude bwaay deh use to gi mi some sweet romancing yuh noh (**puffs on her spliff**)
Fern: Cho! If yuh waan talk bout romantic chune yuh haffi check out di Marvin Gaye chune -Let's Get It On … dem dere is some sweeeet sweeeet memories .. Yuh tink dem noh call mi ‘Fern’ fi nutten .. Dem deh days mi speego use to gi some Sexual healing pon di rackstone dem ina Fern Gully bush ..front way, sideway, backway, cock up style ..all now yuh can still si di pebble mark dem pan mi chin..
The DJ spins another hit record by Cobra:
Flex time to have sex…Look how long yuh have di rude a sweat..Gal Flex time to have sex…Look how long yuh have di rude a sweat
ruthlois (with Red srtipe beer in hand) Now dat is di lick!! PLOW PLOW!! Si mi sang yah man ..WOOYEE ..mi memba when dah sang deh did jus come out.. one a mi Jamaican fren introduce mi to one rastamon dem use to call KnottyLocks..dat man coulda write some romantic poem fi mi yuh si sah..an im coulda Flex prapa ina di bedroom.. Yuh noh memba bout dem time deh Hottie hott?
Hottie Hott: (daydreaming away).. eeh eeh? Weh yuh seh?
Ruthlois: Wake up man! Mi seh, yuh memba dem time deh when ‘Flex’ did a lick?
Hottie Hott: **kiss teet** Mi noh have no time fi a a reminisce pan noh dam Flex .. mi deh yah a look one man hard,hard.. plus fi mi story too sad fi share wid nuh body...it betta mi write one book an mek dem tun it ina one Horror movie – dat is how frightening dat sh*t is… ThirdEye: Well when it comes to me Hottie, my strent is in my rootical connection wid my creator ..seen? Man a man, an di sistren fi jus show likkle more will power an patience ..seen? (**pufs on her spliff**)
[/b]Hottie Hott: [/b] Well, mi admit seh one a my weakness is impatience..mi waan get wha mi waan when mi waan it….di only ting mi really love more dan man is cheese cake .. man so dam scarce dat all mi a pictra now is mi ina one wedding frack a walk dung di aisle wid RollingCalf a nyam piece a chessecake.
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Seated on a park bench other folks were rocking along to the heavy base sounds as well. One lady suddenly realized that her best buddy has not arrived and decided to call her on the cell phone to check up on her.
Alpha: (dials a number and waits for a response) ..Woe is me! What a gwaan sista? How yuh noh reach a di picnic yet misis?..talk loud mi caan hear ova di music..
Mire: Hey Alpha, mi noh tink mi a reach again yuhnoh .. mi ina some serius pain..mi naah badda come..
Alpha: Wha kina pain yuh ina now Mire? Di pickney ready fi drap outta yuh belly arredi?
Mire: No sah, Alpha mi noh tek carelisness and bun up mi yeye wid di Curling iron dis marning. Mi seh evreytime mi blink, mi tink mi a go dead! All mi yeye lash bun off clean clean!
Alpha: Airght sistren hush ..drink some bush tea an den...
Jadine: (grabbed the phone from Alpha). Hey Mire whappen to yuh? … Eeh eeh poor ting.. sarry yuh a go miss di bashment. .. airight Mire, as soon as mi get more pics of mi likkle Angel mi wi sen yuh dem yuh hear? (hangs up)..Alpha yuh eva hear anyting so carliss fram yuh barn? Mi do some stupid tings ina mi life like ovadose pon calcium pillbut neva in mi life mi eva hear smaddy a bun up dem yeye wid curling iron!
Alpha: Yuh too wicked an bad… (laughing)..mek mi goh get one bwail carn an a plate a goat an feed mi maaga self yaah .. mi soon come back
AT THE FOOD TENT
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Back under the big tent where a few groups were seated eating or relaxing, Lawx seemed very fixated on one of her male co-workers, giving him a very stern stare.
Jazz: (snapping her fingers to get her attention) Hey Lawx what on eart yuh a stare pon Bandido1 soh fah?! Yuh like im aff or something?!
Lawx: Noh Sah! Nutten like dat ..im do mi a ting laas night weh mek mi waan march ova deh an tump im straight ina im rahtid mout!
Jazz: (excited voice) wooeee .. a wah im do yuh now Lawx? Tell mi noh!
Lawx: Di man im ask mi fi goh out wid im.. mi neva too ina im much but mi oblige anyway ..so laa night wi goh pon a likkle date an aftawords wi tek a likkle stroll unda di moonlight.... so misis all of a sudden im turn to mi an kiss pon mi lip. Mi tan up deh a savour di likkle moment, waiting fi Jesas drop outta di sky an a lissen out fi fireworks.. dat stinka tun to mi an seh: “Lawx, is how yuh kiss cole like ice bax soh?!..kiss mi neck! mi have one puppy name Rex weh kiss betta dan yuh to behine! ..” Yuh eva si smadddy soh brite?!
Jazz: Woiii if a laugh a deliva! ..Yuh tink a yuh wan get sheg by dem man yah.. check dis out.. Yuh si panman ova dehso.. im always a walk an a show im likkle batty roun di place so mi get im fi goh pon a small move a dis hotel fi sample di ting..
Lawx: Seh wah! … Gal tap yuh nize!
Jazz: Shhhh!!! Mek mi done talk noh ma! .. anyway, troo mi love si di likkle roun batty an yuh know im always full a nuff chat like dah one deh name SeeWeed.. mi did a anticipate di agony bad bad!!.. when di man tek off im pants mi had to seh some harsh tings to him Lawx.. mi look pon di sinting weh drop outta im boxa sharts and nearly dead wid laugh! Mi had to ask im if im cole, or if im need one bicycle pump fi pump dat ting up!
Lawx: (laughing hard) wooii mi a dead to cakafart.. an panman foot big soh?!
Jazz: Cakafurt, misis mi smoke faata joint dan dat.. mi did fraid fi squeeze it, next ting it goh squeak ina mi ears all night. No sah ..gal mi couldn work round dat a tall – not even if mi did stiff stone drunk to rahtid ..panman need surgery fi fix dat ting. Wooiiiii. Mi belly battam!! (*wiping yeyes*)
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The men folk gathered on the other side of the tent over heard the women laughter and began to have their little “man talk”:
Bandido1: A wanda weh dem ooman ova deh so a labba lababa bout now? A bet seh a pure su-su su-su dem a gwaan wid ovah dehso
Islandmutt: Must be some explicit sexual canvasation dem a have .. a soh when dem ooman a talk bout sex dem giggle giggle an caan tap kin blastid teet dem. Mi bet any money seh a bare dutty argument dem a chat..
Bandido1: Fi real yuh noh Mutty. Wen de dawtahz dem let dem hair down, nutten noh lef fi dem seh. Dem probably ova deh a talk bout some positian, ar smaddy measurement ..
Bankerboyz: Mutty, a true nuh baxside di ooman dem terrible wid di details dem. A same soh mi did have one gal a deal wid an everyone a har freaky fren dem come tell mi seh dem know seh mi Birtmark right ova mi batty crack…an none a dem neva si mi naked yet. Dem ooman tan bad yuh si..
Panman (turning red): Now dat unu a talk.. a wanda if Jazz ova deh a gi dat maaga gal Lawx description a mi loghood sah? ..
Cwee (choking on a powk bone): **cough cough*** Wait!Faada Pannie.. yuh tear dung dah gal deh?!!..weh mi seh? Mi rate yuh mi betern ..a gal bed fi bruck dung to B***Cleeet!
Panman: Ah big tings mi idren ..it goh soh!.. if wi tell a gal seh a 12 inches wi have, dat mean seh is 12 inches an more wi a pack. if wi seh wi laas all nite it mean seh all when cack a crow wi still deh pon di wok. wi noh have nuttin fi hide.. a lie mi berten?
Kingman: panman, tell dem yah… wi noh need fi lie bout nutten ..when a gal buck up pan dis a worries!. wi hafi have gal ina bungle! Mi ina di sharing ting so man can get a share off one a my gal dem ..More Fyah!
Cwee: Tap yuh R**s nize bout yuh hav gal ina bungle .. di ting name Msbens did a gi yu a one talk an yuh likkle black *** run like yuh a some punk! Likkle bway tap di nice before mi kuff yuh ina R**s head !
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The music was still blasting to compliment the festive spirit. The DJ changed the mood and switched to some sweet sounding oldies but goodies:
…September morn
Do you remember how we danced that night away
Two lovers playing scenes from some romantic play
September morning still can make me feel that way
UderCoverGirl: (placed her food on the table and jumped up cheering loudly) Brap braaaapppppppppppppp!!!! Woyyyee fiyaaahhh ! fyaahhhh- Dat one reaching out to all my septemba massive!!!!…Wi a di bes!!
Bajemama: (giggling) UndaCova.. yuh a mi a sistren but dat deh sang deh naah lick ..mi shame fi yuh so til..If a mi like yuh mi noh talk so loud seh mi barn pon Septemba..cause every bady done know seh Septemnba a di wos mont a di yr cause ono noh have noh big haliday like Toccumah, BreddaNancy an Kadooment Day!
Nyks:A wah kina eediat song dat?!!! …Smaddy can select dem elevata chune deh fi a picnic? Man I waan here some good rub-a-dub..Afta nobody een ere doan listen to Neil Diamond... All yuh Ms UndaCova, move fam yahso wid dat blasted nonsense!
FH:Nyks, is wich sang u ah cawl eediat sang?A big time calssic dat (holding herself tightly and rocking to the song) ..Is only because Sanchez nuh tief it yet why u neva hear bout it..A bet seh if im did do dah cut deh yuh woulda seh it ah one wicked chune!
Nyks: Pluuullleeaazzee!! Sanchez woulda never sing dat chune unless im did a tek coke....
Undacova mi wouldnt big up Septemba if a dat deh song deh a represent it!!- all yuh a do is a embarr-*** yuh self ..Smaddy tell dat DJ fi faas faas tun off dat "chune". It a gi mi on hell offa migraine to fallee tee..
UderCoverGirl: Unu eggs up eeh ..Mi jus a big up mi mont an it a bun di whole a unu....*kissteet*....mi nuh care wha nobody waan sey bout noh dam Sanchez and Kooodament day..mi sey SEPTEMBER is di bestest bestest month outta di year..mi dun chat....Slew dem!!
Nyks:**kiss teet** mek mi move fram yah so an go get one Ginger Ale cause di whole a unu sick mi stomach…
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A few ladies were sitting under a big tree eating fry chicken and chips fanning away Gingy Fly from their food.. They seemed to be commenting on everybody as they walked by:
Rose: Check out Ms Jazz noh..I like that snake skin shoes and dat Amani dress she is wearing.. dem look nice fi di fall fashion… I wish I knew where shi got dat dress .. I jus so into e fashion this year..
Guineppe: Rose dat look like a dress from Vogue or Cosmopolitan. Shi look well fashionable fi true …
Bashey: Did I hear you say Vogue or Cosmopolitan?! Hello! **kiss teet** .. Rose- honey dear noh lissen to Guineppe cause yuh noh si a jeans an t-shirt shi wear come a di picnic..shi noh have no sense of style. If yuh waan talk bout fashion den mi have all day.. I am what yuh call Ms Fashion Queen. My sexy top is from Gucci, my Batty ridda is by Guess, my knee high boots is by Jill Sander, my draws is by Versachi, nails by Sally Hansen, and lastly my hair by Yakasaki….
Guineppe: Is who dead an tell yuh seh yuh a fashion expert an edita fi Vogue?! Fashion Queen mi ***.. yuh dam so call fashian clothes dem mek yuh look like dem blastid derange Peacock wid di whole heap a brite color dem! Is who yuh tink yuh is.. big big summa an yuh ina knee high boot like yuh a expect di picnic fi flood out! (getting up with fist clenched ) Gal noh mek …
Bird of Paradise: (parted the two) Guineppe step aside fi a minute deh cause mi dehyah a lissen to di argument an mi hafii seh my piece. Lisen yuh 1983 fashion wearing trick! All yuh a do is try use dem deh ‘made in China’ clothes yuh a wear fi mek up fi di ooman yuh not pon di inside. A bet yuh a million dalla seh yuh buy dem siting deh pon di clearance rack dung a TjMaxx!
Bashey:comfortable exposing her bosom) Lissen to mi JANCROW, I can afford to shop at the drop of dime who dont like it bite it. I love my designer wear dem .. A $190 mi pay fi dis sh*t! dung a Lord and Taylor…as for being less than a woman you need to check yourself before yuh get a dah bakkle yah crass yuh head tap!
The uproar stopped everyone in their tracks. A lady was standing with her best friend who had invited her to the company picnic began to whisper:
TinyP: I know that girl yuh know Churchgirl …shi come into mi store all the time. She is one hell of a shopper. What shi an dem ova deh a argue bout now?
Churchgirl: Bashey? Yuh know har fi real?
Tiny P: Yes Churchie.. dat ooman is a superficial baragin hunta …always waan di bes tings wi have in di store an always a complain when wi noh have a Sale dat suit har.. Let’s go over there and si what di fuss is about..
As TinyP and Churchgirl got closer they signaled to get Bashey’s attention..
TinyP: Ms Bashey! Hi is me.. di lady from K-mart that you always help yuh out when yuh come to di store..
Bashey : (with a surprised look on her face) Meeee? Yuh sure is nat somebodyelse dat look like me? Mi have a twin yuhnoh… She is di bad one, nat me.
TinyP: Nah aah, it’s you for sure .. I recognize those hanging boobs anywhere… A si the shirt fit yuh nicely to.. maybe you should get some of you friends here to come down to Kmart when wi have our close-out Sale next week.
Guinippe: (leaping in di air) Mi noh tell unu man!!! Dat gal deh caan fool mi yuhnoh. Mi si right troo har blouse an skirt! Di gal a one good actress yuh noh! Mi tink yuh did sey yuh buy yuh clothes dem a Lord and Taylor.
SugarCane: Mi neva buy har story eida Guineppe!Unu si di gal a big time fraud! Lord an Taylor mi back foot…yuh need both di Lord an a new Taylor!
Bashey: Who di hell a talk you gingy fly .. well since yuh haffi put in your 2 cents ..mek a gi yuh yuh change b*tch!....dat Polyester pants yuh wearing lef di building wid Elvis yrs ago ..there is your change ..thanks for shopping with us again.. **cute yeye**
The ladies had enough of the insults and without warning Bird of Paradise snatched Bashey’s hair an began to lay some thick slaps across her face.. By this time the crowd was larger to catch a glimpse of the fight. Rose hollered and screamed..
Rose: GOOD LORD WHAT IS THIS?? This from me asking about a simple dress?? Stop it right now!! Stop it!.. MI SEH UNU TAP IT !!!
Bird Of Paradise: (being pulled off Bashey by Guineppe) That will teach yuh trick! Check yuhself before yuh step up to big ooman face!
Guineppe: Sekkle yuhself Birdie, shi noh wort it .. gwaan go cool off ova dehso.. Yuh si yuh Bashey yuh need help fi yuh canditian.. mi neva si yuh a run up yuh mout when Panman light up yuh *** laas week when yuh goh faas wid im .. yuh galang! Yuh days soon numba..
The crowd was stunned at what just took place.. No one cared to find out what the fight was about.,
Islandmutt: (shaking head) Bway it look dem ooman put on some tite drawz dis marning.. di whole a dem need fi reach up an pull or tek dem aff if it a squeeze dem.. **kiss teet**
Q3210: (hands in the air and preaching) Smaddy call di Shrink fi dem people yah.. It look like di blastid sun too hat out yah or unu have some ego chemical imbalance. Unu get so dam riled up ova foolishness like when prentice ah tun into jackass jockey…Unu mean seh unu caan disagree in an honourable and respectful manna instead a beat di sh*t outta unu one aneda? ..cho man..unu do betta dan dat!
FH True Q, seka a dem same foolishness wah ah tek place, some people stap support di company picnic.. but I swear to Gad ah nat gwine sit by idle and mek dem low-life-nahave-nuttin-fi-do ppl tun mi mine gainst free food a yr time. ...mark mi word!
The sun had clearly seen and heard enough from the picnic and decided to set for the day. By this time most had already left the park. FH dropped off Pinkeylou at her house and headed home after the long day out.. When she pulled up to her house, she heard Tarzan barking on the verandah furiously … she had never seen him this upset, she thought.
FH: Tarzan ..whappen to yuh? .. dem bad mine people set pizen fi yuh again?.. a wah do dis ole mongrel daag sah.. Im mus hungry, but mi neva did feed im before mi lef.. Ok, Ok, mek a go inside an fix yuh up some tun carnmeal…
She turns the key in her front door and entered the house…
FH: KISS MI MUMMA BATTY!!!… DEM RAMSACK MI HOUSE!! WEH MI COURTS FURNITRA DEM DEH?!!!…..Jesas Lawd, weh mi Fridge an Gas stove ??!!….Mi curtain dem!, mi dinett set, Mi Watnot!!..AAARRRRRHHHHH!!!!
[To be continued…]