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Welcome to this week’s Suss Report. The characters are set in Bellvue’s psychiatric ward 21, Jamaica. As promised, Juicess has the leading role from winning a contest. She is the head nurse in charge of all the patients of Ward 21. Please enjoy the deranged sounding characters they under psychiatric care in the story. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]
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Ward 21 of the Bellvue Hospital has housed quite a lot of patients over the years but none quite like the band of patients that were admitted in recent years. Many nurses had quit the, as the demands were too much and the patients to much to handle. A new head nurse, Juicess, was hired to take over Ward21. On her first day on the job, she thought she would get to know here patients a little better. She greeted them into the white wall room with clipboard in hand:
Juicess: Ello everyone… My name is Ms. Juicess and I will be your new nurse. I undastan fram di Haspital Management dat unu drive all di adda nurse up dem wall an run weh every striking one a dem outta yah.. but mi waan unu know seh Ms Juicess is a strang ooman an mi nat going nowhere. Unu naah tan yah mek mi loose mi likkle wok! A hope unu andastan whe mi a seh.
They all sat in their positions and stared at the nurse as if they had seen a ghost. The silence was deafening.
Juicess: (talking to herself) Lawd Jesas a wha dis mi get miself inna..dem people look like duppy set pan dem to reetid ..OK people let’s get down to business. Wi gwine play dis game ..it call, ‘What’s your name’ ..when mi seh “what’s your name . one by one, unu tell mi weh dem call yuh soh mi can get fi put a name to di faces. ..airight?
They continued to stare in space silent and numb.
[/b] Juicess: [/b] (talking to herself) But a wah dis dowe puppa Gad..dem yah peeple a stare pan mi like dem yeye caas ina dem head. **clear throat** OK,you over dere wid di dark glasses on.. let mi start wid yuh. “What’s your name?”
Venn: (In a cool and deadly voice) Dem call mi Loopy Cootchie Brain ...Mi a di brains a dis family- yuh si mi..
Chayil No, no, no..nat a dam! Mi is di fabulous.. Ms Loopy Diaper Brain... di orginal brains in here. Mi gat more sense dan di whole a dem yuh hear nurse (she picked up her shoe and start chewing on it)
IslandMutt: (Talking with a fake Austrian accent) Ms nurse mi is non adda dan Dr. Crusty Gorilla Hiney di Tird and Fifth ...
Juicess: Dacta??!! Den how yuh en up ina mad house Doc.. wah kina dacta yuh bi?
Ismadmutt: Well I can remove portions of large bressesses an put dem pan hips, bumpa an all pan lips. Yuh look like a smaddy good fi di procedra yuh noh.. But before mi can help yuh mi need fi perfarm a gynecological exam pan yuh .
Juicesss: But yuh bright eeh? Bout "gynecological exam". Den dacta Crusty Hiney, Wha dat haffi duh wid breast an batty?
Islandmutt: Den Ms Juicess as a nurse yuh shoulda know sey di procedra noh come out good if mi noh get fi analyze an fingle up certain delicate parts to make sure dem stable and can witstan shack!
Ep25: oooohh dat fingle up part soun good deh Dacta Crusty.. Like how fimi mout lip swell like a 10 LB a liba ..tek some a di swelling put ina mi batty noh .. Mi batty coulda use likkle fingle up to.
Jackie: Yuh mout lip?. Den a mek yuh affi specify "mout" misis???
Ep25: Cawse mi nuh waan nobaddy inyah tink a di odda fat lip mi a talk bout
Bimini: Den a Wha odda lip unu a talk bout? ..Since when dem mek adda lip?
Islandmutt: Young man yuh noh know sey dem have lip a de intersexshan of Pelvis and Legs, Crass by de anal area, 2 inch dung fram di nable tring an battam side di batty crack.
Bimini: (wiping his lips and spitting on himself) SEY WAH?? Den a dat deh lip Ep25 mek mi Kiss di odda day?! ..EP! Mi tink yuh did sey yuh did tun upside dung.. Dam sinting taste bad like a Neosporin to browndaag!!!
Ep25: IT WASN'T ME!! IT WAZ DI PARROT MOUT INYAH NAME JACKIE!! .. MI HAB DI PICTRA DEM AS PROOF!!
Jackie: MI?!! Mi nat even knoa a wha nyame Neosporin!!! .. Noh tell noh lie pan mi yaah .. yuh wicked lyad, likkle maaga skeeza!!!
Juicess: OK,ok ..calm dung before unu go kill aff unu one aneda ova who fah lip taste a Neosporin! ..Lowks mi can si weh dem odda nurse go true now.. come unu come finish tell mi unu name .. who nex?!
[/b] Alpha: [/b] Me nurse!! .. Mi marrid name is Chicken-Butt , fus name Stinky. Mi tink mi a breed to. Mi a cansida fi call mi fus barn ‘Hairy Chicken-Butty’.. Yuh like it Nurse Juicy?
Juicess: Yes it sound good Ms Chicken-butt.. soun real nice fi troot
.. (She struggles to write down the strange names on her note pad) Keep going ..so what’s your name?
Queen: Mi is cousin Stinky Chicken Fanny ..an mi related to one a mi granny fowl.
Churchgirl: (rocking in her chair, fanning furiously) Mi is Zippy Cootieshorts an di Lard is my Satan - PRAISE JESAS!! Mi seh praise Jesas!
Jazz: (with attitude) Zsa-Zsa Burgerchunks! An a neva mi bax di police bway! Dat was dat ole heffa name Zsa-Zsa Gabor! Mi tired fi hear dem a ruma mi seh mi lick dung police outta craasroads. MI SEH A NEVA MI!!
Juicess: Airight misis ..how yuh so crass?! Yuh a galang like yuh fhay set unda fi yuh tail.. Anyway .. mi wi try mi bes fi memba dem yah breed a name weh unu have…fi di res a unu, mi wi learn unu name as mi goh alang.. (praying under her breath) Jesas please watch ova mi wid dem yah mad breed!
She walks over to grab a chair so she could sit closer to the patients.
Juicess: Ok let’s try something else for our second exercise. I want volunteers to tell me one thing you like about yourself. Doan hole back.. Jus tink deeeep an tell mi what unu love bout unu madself.. Who want to go fus?
Ebonyeyes: Uuhhmm Nurse Juice! Dat questian hard mam..It a rack wi brain. But mi hav plenty tings fi tell yuh weh mi noh like bout miself
Juicess: Really now? So dere is tings wos dan di fac dat yuh ina madhouse? Airight den go ahead an tell mi what yuh noh like bout yuhself an kip it shart…
Teaoom: No do nat say anyting..I noh trus nurse . look at how har batty feva like Dolly Parton ti-ti...lawd it disgustin!
Juicess: Excuse mi!! lissen to mi mi lang neck ooman, yuh mite mentally challenged but mi noh fraid fi tell yuh fi goh dead some weh a bush ..doan renk yuhself!
PinkeyLou: Mi noh fraid fi talk weh mi noh like - dat easy!! Mi noh like batty! Mi wan dem cut it ina half ar tek aff di whole a it!! it too big man! Look pan ie! (showing the nurse her rear end) Nurse yuh noh tink mi batty big an feva powk barrel?
Juicess: No mi noh si nutten wrang wid it.. Pinkey, yuh jus need fi wear pants weh fit yuh.. yuh noh si how di pants cratches itch up ina yuh batty? Likkle more mi get good pants put an pan yuh mek yuh feva smaddy. Airight Ebony yuh ready?
Ebonyeyes: OK mek mi tell yuh weh mi noh like Ms Juicey ..Mi nuh like mi toe dem, dem mek mi look like mi have duck foot. Look pan dem….
Ctrygal: Lard look pan fi mi dem –dem wosara. Troo mi walk barefoot all bout, mi foot battam dem tough like turkle back! Racstone jook up mi foot battam so til di whole a it bump up.. (raising her feet to show the nurse the gross looking bumps) yuh ago squeeze out di bump dem fi mi nurse?
Juicess: HELL NAH! ..mi nice but nat dat nice..So why don’t yuh wear shoes pan yuh foot den if yuh have a prablem walking barefoot?
Ctrygal: Mi?? Lady is yuh mad? .. di laas time mi put mi foot ina one crep, mi big toe quarell wid mi all night seh it a sufficate. Di dam toe neva tap so til it bore out one big dutty hole ina di crep front fi ketch cool breeze. Mi naah get mi self ina noh more canfrantatian wid dat blastid toe. Mek mi foot tan.
NickytheTricky: Yuh to? Sinting like dat happen to mi yuhnoh .. One day mi toe dem ketch inna fowl fight an get mash up. A mek di toe dem haffi galang so miserable man? Jesas! Dem nat even like when mi pedicure dem ina di tielet wata.. Try as mi may mi caan do nat a dam ting fi please dem to Rastageorge!
Britisha: Unu too angrateful! It betta fi have ugly foot dan no foot and a walk wid krutches like One foot Witchyooman. Yuh noh si how shi feva wan bamboo tick weh katch up clothes line. Unu count unu blessings seh unu have two big hoof pan unu bady.
Ep25: Well like mi sey before, fimi battty too flat like mi come fram di Chim-Chim Burger-tush fambily…all mi waan is a batty dat mek mi look like Eddie Murphy batty ina Nutty Professor ..
Q3210: Well if yuh waan back bumpa, ask di nurse fi some fowl pill. But memba seh Portlander48 did grow feada pan har back an noh tap 'cooka-doodle doo' all night.
Portlander48: Yuh tink dat funny maas Q… a waan yuh fi know seh dat dem pigeon pill deh mek mi lay enough egg and peas fi di whole a wi nyam dinna an breakfast.. mi neva hear yuh mout when yuh did a lick yuh chops dem dowe..
Q3210: Ooman please noh remine mi..a cause mi noh know betta mek mi nyam egg weh come outta yuh behine.. Nurse all mi need is a new left fenda fi mi Toyota…nutten more
Juicess: So yuh have car Mista Q? I Neva know dem mek di patients here drive!
Q3210: Who seh nutten bout cyar ..Mi talking bout di Trolley mi push fram garbage can to garbage can.. dat is mi likkle Toyota.. Di adda day one mini-bus run ova mi poor likkle Tayota Tralley an tear aff di back fenda. An wah bun mi is dat mi neva insure di dam sinting..
After having a good laugh, the nurse’s attention then turned to a man in the back shaking hysterically and beating his head with his knuckles.
Juicess: Are you allright sir? Yuh waan mi call di docta fi yuh?
Rastaminded: No! NO! noh call noh dacta ..(still beatinghis head) Lawd Nurse do.. fix mi brain!...sumtime mi hear people ah bawl affa mi fi goh put aan mi girgle an stackings fi goh a beach. Den di blinking doctor dem halways come ah lock mi up inna wan white jacket .. a dis laas week dem let mi hout. Mi brain noh tan good,.. it feel like one a di nail missing ina mi head..
In his green three piece suit, orange bow tie with a picture frame hanging around his head, his close pal stood up and placed his hand on the RastaMinded’s shoulders to console him.
IslandMutt: Meh son, ah waan blista yuh gat ina yuh head. Calm dung an stap acting like dem blastid momoo! (turning around with his fly open) Nurse I would like to make a ‘pubic’ apology for dis mad man behavior ..si wid im..is nutten im medicatian caan cure.
NickyThetricky: (looking at his bulging Pengaleng) So yuh apologizing far yuh likkle pubic or is yuh pubic doing a private apology? Please explain dat to mi Mutty.
Islandmutt: (still exposing his bulge)Lawd of matches! .. Ooman mek yuh soh faas? Nat only is yuh is unu too fass but yuh too dam speculativatin… Mi talking to di nurse so tap poke yuh nose ina mi bizniz!
NickyThetricky: But wait!..noh yuh a POKE yuh ding-a-ling ina peeple face!! Yuh noh si all a yu private pubic outta door? Dam ediat!
Juicess: Lowd Unu caan behave unuself man!! ..Look unu tap di name-calling an apologize before I remove you from the Ward and place unu ina confinement!
Completely dazed and not following the train of conversation, one of the patients protested:
TeaOom: No fair!! Why yuh gonna ban me? Ok, Ok .. dah Tea Ooman offers a sincere apology to any and all of yuh dat I offended during mi time in Ward21 ...Alicia, mi neva mi neva mean fi call yuh Sea Whale an a Trialor Trackta..
Juicess: Tea, It look like duppy deh pon yuh. You haven't offended anyone.. I am talking about the people who was jus arguing .. siddung an relax yuself.
Jazz: Well den mi waan apologize for de heap a bad name weh mi call Jahlive laas week afta im boom up mi chimmey and bun up mi hairpiece .. Jahlive - ah doan really tink dat yuh is ah pissing pat bway an Bimmi – mi neva mean fi tell yuh badwod an tell yuh yuh lip dem fayva goat liva... mi tek everyting mi seh back
Jahlive: Ooman Clear aff!! Mi naa haccept dem deh apalagy deh ..di way how yuh gwaan ova di likkle renking chimmey an di dutty hairpiece weh feva dish ***** . Mi noh waan hear nutten fram yuh!
Jazz: Well den, You likkle stinking, chink head, sour arm, no batty pants wearing, grape ape face bwaay - GOH NYAM COW DUNG AH BUSH!!
Juicess: Hole an.. hole an!! (Throwing her hands in the air) Lowks unu a di mos cantakarus set a mad people mi eva come acrass.. mek mi apologize to cause when I done lick every one a unu inna unu head and teach unu some sense, mi naw go have time fi sey sarry!
Ivory: [img]/forums/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img] Ok mi laas an confuse.Why wi apalagzing? A mi nex? Whe mi fi sey?
Juicesss: **sigh** Ivory darling ..goh back to picking yuh nose. Yuh soun laas fi true. OK I have ceartainly learnt a lot about all a unu… an mi come to di canclusion dat unu eida need Jesas or unu need some trang medicine. Well it’s almost time for lunch. I will see you all in the lunchroom in about 10 minutes.
All: ~~Yeaaaahhhhh!!! FOOD!! FOOD!!! FOOD!!!! ~~
LUNCH ROOM
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The patients dragged their lazy feet to the lunchroom where the nurse and the cafeteria staff were waiting for them to be seated. For lunch the patients had a choice between chicken fingers or beef patties and box juice.
Juicess: What can I get you to eat likkle miss? Patty or Chicken fingas?
Jackie: (talking in her head) dem musi breed di chicken dem dunga Arizona to fallee tee..mi neva even did knoa say chicken coulda have finga and dem noh gat noh han.. Gi mi di patty nurse Juice ..dem chicken finga deh look kina deadly an dangarous!
Jamericangirl: Jackie yuh noh know seh chicken finga a sinting good fi defen yuhself when yuh a walk a street…Yuh nuh need noh gun a tall when yuh have a chicken finga. One time mi use one whole chicken an knack out one puss flat a grung.. An yuh can all use drumstick fi batta batta smaddy wi ie…
Jackie: Eeh eeh? Den yuh mean sey mi can shawpen di chicken finga wid raaza an jook EP ina har yeye?...
EP25: Jook who dutty gal? Mi noh eena di chicken eida ..mi memba one day mi a nyam outta di garbage pan a Micky Dees an bite ina one Hyperdermical neegle ina di chicken nugget. When di neegle jook mi, mi lip dem swell up BIG soh!
Jackie: ~~chrpppttttcchhhh~~~ yuh gaan back pan di big lip argument again?
Kingman: A wah kinda sinting unu a do wid unu mout mek it can swell up suh. De only time fimi mout swell up is when di Dacta dem did tek out mi laas ratten teet, das all.
Jackie: Hey Kingman yuh noh si sey di piece a spinach yuh nyam laas week still cack-up inna im teet!! Go wash yuh mout an come outta peeple canvasatian.
Precious1: Unu can tan deh mek fuss ova di lickle chicken finga dem, all mi know is, ie wi goh good wid dis green banana mi fine ina di gutta roun a back.. who beg nah get, han who no beg no want none.
Juicess: (slapping the patient wrist) Precious dash weh di dutty piece a green banana!.. Noh care how people a try clean up unu dutty nassy ways, unu til a act like dem dam invalid ..cho! (turning to another patient) Now weh yuh waan to eat mam?
Ensom: (sucking finger and playing w/t ears) Same ting mi have yesideh nurse Juice.
Juicess: Ms I wasn’t hear yessiday so yuh gwine havvi tell mi what yuh waan fi eat
Ensom: Mi nuh nyam fowl meat. Di Fowl dem too dam nassy- dem walk all bout a nyam drumma roach.. jus gi mi a nice juicy peica daag meat fi nyam.
Juicess: (with disgusted tone) Daag Meat! Is Daag meat yuh nyam yessiday?!! Ensom: Weh di pussjook duh yuh?! Yuh deaf? Mi hear when di adda nurse did seh dem serving hat daag an chips! So mi know fi a fac dat a daag mi nyam yessiday!
Juicess: Lawd Jesas yuh friten mi .. if mi falla unu inyah mi goh mad to reetid.. well no hotdog tideh ..hole dis patty. What yuh waan to eat Jazz?
Jazz: Mi waan tirteen patty nurse Juice
Juicess: Only one patty yuh can get .. yuh belly too blastid lang.
missgoody_69:: Mi waan patty to please, tanks, you’re welcome..
They all began to eat their lunch when suddenly there was a loud scream.
missgoody_69: NURSE JUICE – RUN COME YAH ..yuh hear dat?
Juicess: Hear what now Msgoody?!
missgoody_69: Yuh noh hear di pieca beef a talk to imself an a laugh? Shhhh!! Lissen good!
Juicess: **sigh** di patty nat meking a sound - a yuh head a tek yuh ..eat up Msgoody..eat up an stap di trupidness!
She took another bite off the patty and threw it violently on the floor ..
missgoody_69: NURSE IT STILL A TALK!! It wispa sinting to mi.. lowd woyyeee di patty beef hav Mad Cow decease! A bet yuh a Texas dem get di cow fram ..di cow dem dung deh mad, mad, mad.. a troo mi a tell unu .. mi hear di soun dem!
The other lady who had eaten the patty started to tremble with fright. Without warning she leapt from her chair and started screaming hysterically:
Jazz: SACRISE!! HELP, HELP!!!!! (running around an ripping off her clothes) It ketch mi wwoooyyyyiiieee – Everybady Run fe oonu life..RUN TO DI HILLS!! - it cantagious BAD! (pulling at her hair) It inna mi head ..lawd it ina mi head..tek ie out –DO mek it stap
A few other nurses helped tackling the lady to the floor before she could go further. They held her to the floor while the nurse pulled out her needle with the sedative.
Juicess: (talking to another nurse) Brownsugga, yuh si if a neva sin fi tek advantage a mad people .. a woulda gi dah ooman yah one rahtid bax yuh si.. Jesas savior, mi noh know how much more mi can tek demyah breed a madness inyah.
Brownsugga: Ms Juicess, keep the faith .. A true yuh noh know sometime a waan peepa spray dem baxide! Dem gi to much trubble man! Come wi seh a small praya fi all a dem mad people yaah. (Praying while still containing Jazz) [i]hour fadda which art in heaven, please look opon dese mad souls today lord and touch dem, pull dem to yuor bosom lord and annoint dem wid some sense, heal dem lord before dem mad aff Nurse
Juicess... take them into yur hands lord and give dem two beesnaught lick inna dem head ... in jesus name I pray amen..
Alicia: A wah mek dem nurse yah a disadvantaged wi an a call dung Jesas pan wi soh? ..Dem noh know sey fi wi motto is 'out of many, many mad peeple wi is one a di same'. Dem betta mine wi gaada up an tun out pan di whole a dem inyah eenoh
Bandido1:Tell dem yaah 'Licia..Wi demans more respec cause wi legally an offycially certifyable.. an if wi cyaan stan' up fi sump'm inyah.. wi ago lie dung wid anybady!
Jackie: YES SAR!! an If yuh lie dung fi hennyting an anybady, yuh naahgo able fi tan up!
Bimini: Amen Sista! An If dem pee-pee into di breeze, dem might get splash wid dem owna piss!
Bandido1: DATS RITE! Farwud NEVA.. Backwud FI -EVA!! If a war dem waan mek ie Start!!.. How much a wi ago fight dis war now?!
RastaMinded: (Thinking to himself) 2 times 6 plus 8 uh....carry di 20 aahhm...plus 19 minus 4..dat mek Eleven-fifty Bandi - Eleven-fifty a wi a go fight dis blouse n skirt war mi betren! All dem waan a one good bax fi save dem fram damnation!!
The nurses had heard enough had felt it was time to clear the lunchroom before things got out hand.
Juicess: AIRIGHT ENOUGH!! Di whole a unu line up an falla nurse Browsugga back to the di Ward! Bandido, yuh come wid mi sar .. yuh going to solitary confinement cause yuh is one french fry an 2 burga shart of a happy meal.
Bandido: (groaning) Uuuhmm.. Lawd nurse Juice, A feel bad yuh si.. A di flu a tek head .. all mi waan is a cup a sum chicken soup mam..
Juciess: Come, come ..mi noh waan hear aneda word outta yuh mout.
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As the nurse escorted Bandido out of the lunchroom, the other patients followed the other nurse back to the Ward. Once in the room, a restless patient soon broke the silence in the room, kicking and rolling on the floor.
Ocheeheart: AARRGGGHH!!! The wall dem a cave in pan mi!! Why oh Why???!!! Hab mercy on mi!!! SSAAAAVVVEEE MEEEE ..LLLLAAAWWDDDDD!!! Take mi to de riva Nile!!!
Frightened and shocked one of the patients rushed to her and started pounding her head on the hard ground shouting:
PinkeyLou: LUCIFA - GET OUT AF HAR!!! In di Name Of Jesas, Mathew, Luke and Paul Bogle, I command You To Leave Her Baddy!!!! (still beating her head on the floor) CUM OUT MI SEY!!… Yuh tinking dutty Devil! LEF HAR ALONE an go to Hell!!!!
Sistagiirl: Woyyeee Misis yuh ago kill di ooman .. tap lick up har head soh! (pushing Pinky to the side, she opened her palm and slapped Ochee) **BLAP**! SNAP out of it!!! Yuh gwine mek dis lacka sex mad yuh wosara.. Noh mek mi call nurse Juice fi come jook yuh wid di lang neegle ..yuh betta kip yuhself quite!
Qtits: ***sigh** ..Mi know how shi feel..Mi waan dem fi jus kill mi an bury mi an dun..
ctrygal: Wah do yuh mek yuh a sey dat now .. yuh have lacka sex prablem to?
Qtits: It ruff when Valentine day soon come an mi no hab nobaddy ..if a even fi have one man fi cuss out im baxide..all day mi siddung inya a cuss aff miself an mi tired a mi mout now.
Ep25: (sad face)Mi nuh hab nobaddy eida ..Qtits Yuh waan mi an yuh go shop goh buy tree dozen good man?
Bigbooie: Kiss mi jawbone!! A wah dis mi hear ina Bellvue yah..Unu a gwan like mon a Renta yam inna market! Buy good mon? Lawd mi tiad a unu now man!
Goldilocks84: Man a Renta Yam? Den if a soh, yuh can tell wi weh fi fine di good yam dem sar?
Jahlive: Spptttt.. unu hav no fear, plenty good Renta yam is here! Since as Nurse Juice no deyah mi ago auctian aff di man dem fi unu baletine. . An dere will bi no CHUSSING ..a money mi a look fi escape an ketch a minibus fi look fi mi galfren Chayil dung a Clarendon bush...weh unu sey bout dat?
Qtits: Yuh really mad to BirdCage! A weh di blood fyah wi fi get money fram .. yuh noh si sey di whole a wi ina madhouse stone daag bruck - nat even sense wi noh hab!
Jahlive: Lawd ooman! a try mi a try help yuh out yuhnoh .. unu muss have peeple a farrin can Westan Union unu some money afta di auctian ..come noh Jadine - weh yuh a seh? Yuh a go put some dallas ina di pat?
Jadine MI?!! Mi fi put mi money pan dem yah breeda cowad man?! Yuh mussi til deh pan di crackpipe!.. Wah day mi beg all a unu fi come help mi run out di green lizzad fram unda mi bed an di whole a unu galang like a crocodile did unda deh how unu gi mi all sarta excuse nuffi come help mi. Seka unu di dam lizzad tan deh til ie crawl up ina mi baggy inna mi sleep..
Bimni:Mi still believe seh dat was no Lizzad unda yuh bed... mi mine tell mi seh it was Cappy a hide unda di bed an neva cova up all di way...
Jadine: Look yah noh Bimni - jus troo mi ina madhouse noh mean mi a eediat! Bimini Mi seh it was a big fat green lizad… None a unu neva help mi an di Oven Cleana mi tek spray im outta mi draws…right yah now di whole a mi private parts scarch aff to bloodcup. Mi neva know seh a soh di blastid Oven cleaana trang!!
Queenb:Jadine mi neva tell yuh fi mek di dam lizzad tan which part it did deh?! Look how much masquita ina di place an di lizzad deh yah good good an nyam di masquita dem an yuh tek yuh friten foo-fool self goh kill ie aff!
Jahlive Airight Jadine since yuh bun up yuh privates wid oven cleana den yuh noh gat noh use fi noh man yah now .. yuh dis fi tan one side an watch.. Come people who a bid pan di man dem step up ..let di bidding start!
Ep25: Airight si yah Jahlive .. mi a put $500 dalla pon Cappy....all like how mi a dead fi hungry an im can cook..
Jahlive: Wait pan mi fi put dem pan di black noh mad ooman! Di fuss man mi a put out is Bimini. (pushing Bimini) Gwane out deh mek di gyal dem si yu before a gi yu 2 rhatid lik! .**He hem**! Ok Ladies..Dis man can mek a wicked peicea Peas Strew soup..
Bimini: (whispering in Jahlive's ear) Doan figit fi tell dem sey mi jus get di call mi a wait pan.....memba mi get di cantract fi star ina porn movie to.
Jahlive: Oh Yes mi figet mi pardi .. Yes ladies , im a star inna blue movie and im is a scrippa. A nuff tings unnu a get so what mi can get fi im?
BLOZ: Baxide! If a laugh mi sprain mi nose.. Bimini a go tun porno-graphty star?? 'teva! Tell mi di ticle suh mi noh baddy waste mi trupance buy it... Mi a puddung $20 pon Mutty an $50 pon Kingie cause dats all dem wuklis ole fart wot!
Chazproduction: Mek di bway tan if im waan tun scrippa ..yuh noh si sey im pants batty always tear out anyway.. im is a natural!! Bimini if ah dat float yuh boat, gwaan yuh hear.. Mi wish yuh smooth sailing... But mine when yuh a float yuh boat, yuh goh sink smaddy else ship.
Msgoody_69: **DWL** Fall dung!!!!den Bimini,yu sure u a go able rise to de occashaun when dem a flim yuh?....Mi a dead fi si dat deh movie when ie come out to rahtid. Betta yet, mi goh ask nurse Juice if shi can let mi out fi goh watch di taping..
Jazz: Well mek im show wi im skills right yah so! Ah lang time now mi waan si Bimmi scrip so mi a put $200 dallas pan im tea pat. An hey sour bway Jahlive - ah hope yuh know seh every dalla yuh calleck gwine straight back fi buy back mi chimmey yuh boom up di adda day!
CC1: Mi a put $250 pon Bimini ova Jazz head! Please to tek off yu pants to! yu eva si no bady a gi table dance inna pants (singing) shake yu ***, show mi what yu working with, shake it fast .....Woyyeyeee ketch im lilly batty up in the air. heeeeeheeee.
Bimini tripped shaking his butt in front of the women. The female patients stood on tables to get a full view.
Bimini: (mumbling to himself) bway ah ongle hope dis yah pance hole up an noh get rip off cause a a mi likkle bredda pance mi barra fram 1979!!
Dreadilocks: Bimini...mi ope yuh did put on fresh drawz dis mawnin.. A ongle ope a noh di same drawz dat yuh a wear fram di yr yuh lan a Bellvue.
Jahlive: YOW BIG HEAD BWAY - please fi kip on yu pants! nobaddi no waa fi si yu batty! Rasta beg yuh juss gi dem likkle shoulda move an some dela skank yaah!
Jazz: Shut up yuh mout Jahlive! Tek it aff Bimini, tek it aff... $299.99 pan BImmi Bwoy – (singing) shake dat boodie dat jesas gave yuh .. shake dat boodie in di name of di Lard!!
Alpha: (not pleased with the show) So whappen? No odda man nah sell? Ah disya man unu have alone? **kiss teet** Dis yah rif-raf lookin sinting yah nah mek it atall tall.
Jahlive: Hole on man! Draw out yuh straw purse deh Alpha ..mi hab a man fi yuh coming up. Mi have Q3210 Im no wata dung lika di ress a dem an im full a lyrics. Even if a palitrics ima talk ina yuh ears ole - a still lyrics.. Com Alpha com spen som money ya so..Si Kingman yah to..
TaeOom: (stepping up with a pair of Red panties drooped over her head) $100.00 For dat King man Dude!
Alpha: **kiss teet** Time unoo diddeh a dash weh money pon Kingman, unno tek ie sen him go a Jamal… Si $200 fi Q ova yah soh. Mi waan im fi mi come stimulate mi mine an any odda working parts pan mi bady...Pass mi goods ova yahso PU-LEEZE!
Jahlive: Airight good bizniz! Q3210, wipe aff di mout wata fram yuh lip an gwan wid Alpha.. Airight Dis a di gyal dem sugga up b]Capy[/b] up nex... Capy a one baas chefis an when im ketch unnu baxside unda di mango tree a pier wuk unnu ago get. Mek mi hear whe unnu a gi mi fi im.
Gyalpondefront: Mi puddung $800.00 dolla pan Capy.. Mi a look fi some good wuk unda di mango tree
Ep25: Wait a darn minute.....$1500 pon Cappy teelie ...Mi caan mek no ooman outbid mi pan dis one yah
Gyalpondefront: So a mi yuh waah ramp wid ms EP? ..airight 9 million pan Capy.
Jahlive: But Cakafart! ..it look mi can buy wan minubus afta dis! Capy show dem likkle sitten a nuff money yu bring mi tidey…show dem how yuh can tek out yuh teet an put een ie back. Gwane my yute.
Capitall: Yuh dis mek sure a ungly US dolla a bid pan mi yaah sah .. mi hab a sneaky suspician seh a Jamdumg money an LIRA dem a bid an dat noh wot quatty!
The bids got higher and higher and so did the noise and chaos grew as well.
Jahlive: Airight mi ago share out di man dem nung.. Alpha come fi Q, TeaOom si yuh Kingy yah, CC1 tek Bimini. **kin teet** wooyyeee mi ina money, woyyowee mi ina money!!
BLOZ
is noh fair Jahlive mi mus can win wan man pan default! Lawd a would do anyting fi get even pieca Mutty an likkle bit a Cappy ..
Jazz: NO SAH!!! A war dis!! mi want ah recount!!! (she chanted) RECOUNT, RECOUNT, RECOUNT!!!!
The women who lost out were ina frenzy and started to chant “Recount’, throwing chairs at Jahlive and his crew of men. A passing hosptial worker saw what was happening and sounded the alarm signalling the security staff and nurses to attend to the scene. The head nurse came rushing in.
[ b] Juicess:[/b] What in Gad's name unu a gwaan wid as mi tun mi back!! Who START DIS? WHA HAPPEN IN YAH? Smaddy betta talk faas!!
Dreadilocks: A di fullmoon mek dem goh haywire nurse..mi neva ina it. Is Bimini an di one Jahlive an try samfi wi outta wi money!
Islandmutt: Nurse Juicy, all mi did si is Bimini batty crack an im a trow sinting weh resemble old dish cloth weh heng up inna kitchen since noah bill de ark!
Bimni: Ah Jahlive did inyah a tun mi ina blue movie star nurse…Im up inyah a tun pimp daddy an a sell wi aff fi nuff money .. Si im deh a hide anda di table..
Juicess: Soh as mi back tunu, yuh gaan from TIEF, to scripper an now Porno eediat?!! Yuh whoring behine caan even breed ants much less. Jahlive get fram unda di table an come here to MI!
Jahlive: (still hiding, he yelled) Absent teacha!
Juicess: Bway noh mek mi get di stunt gun and shack out yuh rahtid yuhnoh!
Jahlive: (still hiding)Eeemm..uuhhmmm.. but ..but… yuh ago beat mi..
Juciess: (turning to the securtiy gaurds standing behind her) Security, beg yuh goh drag im out fram unda di table mek a push dah neegle ina im put im outta a im misery ..mi noh hav noh time fi dis.
As commaned, security hauled Jahlive from under the table leg first as he was kicking and screaming. The other patients looked on giggling and taunting Jahlive. He was thrown into solitary confinement as punishment for causing disturbance.
Later that evening, a very frustrated Nurse Juicess prepared to turn in her medical forms and punch out for the day. As she mumbled and griped to herself, her co-worker walked up to her to congratulate her on her first day.
Brownsugga: A si yuh getting ready fi leave fi di day nurse Juicess. Well it was a pleasa having yuh wid us today an yuh really did a good jab. Mi know di day neva goh soh good wid bunch a heathens an lunatics inyah but mi hoping yuh day wi go betta tomorrow – yuh hear?
Juicess: **kiss teet* Tomorrow? A soh yuh tink! Well Bronwsugga darling..tanks but when me walk troo dat door mi nat setting aneda foot ina dis haspital again. Mi noh cut out fi dem yah madniss yah a tall a tall..
Brownsugga: NO man! Yuh caan quit soh! ..Den who a go run di place tomorraw when yuh noh deh yah?
[/b]Juicess: [/b] Yuh si mi look like mi care?.. Yuh can run di ward if yuh waan but mi
nat tanning inyah mek dem satan people yah mad mi… Unu betta dan mi, mi have betta tings fi do wid mi life.
With that, the very wary and beat up nurse walked through the hospital doors and never looked back.
Brownsugga: (Shaking head) Kiss mi rahtid bwaay! Aneda dam head nurse bite di duss!! How di hell wi ago manage inyah tomorrow ?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++
Ward 21 of the Bellvue Hospital has housed quite a lot of patients over the years but none quite like the band of patients that were admitted in recent years. Many nurses had quit the, as the demands were too much and the patients to much to handle. A new head nurse, Juicess, was hired to take over Ward21. On her first day on the job, she thought she would get to know here patients a little better. She greeted them into the white wall room with clipboard in hand:
Juicess: Ello everyone… My name is Ms. Juicess and I will be your new nurse. I undastan fram di Haspital Management dat unu drive all di adda nurse up dem wall an run weh every striking one a dem outta yah.. but mi waan unu know seh Ms Juicess is a strang ooman an mi nat going nowhere. Unu naah tan yah mek mi loose mi likkle wok! A hope unu andastan whe mi a seh.
They all sat in their positions and stared at the nurse as if they had seen a ghost. The silence was deafening.
Juicess: (talking to herself) Lawd Jesas a wha dis mi get miself inna..dem people look like duppy set pan dem to reetid ..OK people let’s get down to business. Wi gwine play dis game ..it call, ‘What’s your name’ ..when mi seh “what’s your name . one by one, unu tell mi weh dem call yuh soh mi can get fi put a name to di faces. ..airight?
They continued to stare in space silent and numb.
[/b] Juicess: [/b] (talking to herself) But a wah dis dowe puppa Gad..dem yah peeple a stare pan mi like dem yeye caas ina dem head. **clear throat** OK,you over dere wid di dark glasses on.. let mi start wid yuh. “What’s your name?”
Venn: (In a cool and deadly voice) Dem call mi Loopy Cootchie Brain ...Mi a di brains a dis family- yuh si mi..
Chayil No, no, no..nat a dam! Mi is di fabulous.. Ms Loopy Diaper Brain... di orginal brains in here. Mi gat more sense dan di whole a dem yuh hear nurse (she picked up her shoe and start chewing on it)
IslandMutt: (Talking with a fake Austrian accent) Ms nurse mi is non adda dan Dr. Crusty Gorilla Hiney di Tird and Fifth ...
Juicess: Dacta??!! Den how yuh en up ina mad house Doc.. wah kina dacta yuh bi?
Ismadmutt: Well I can remove portions of large bressesses an put dem pan hips, bumpa an all pan lips. Yuh look like a smaddy good fi di procedra yuh noh.. But before mi can help yuh mi need fi perfarm a gynecological exam pan yuh .
Juicesss: But yuh bright eeh? Bout "gynecological exam". Den dacta Crusty Hiney, Wha dat haffi duh wid breast an batty?
Islandmutt: Den Ms Juicess as a nurse yuh shoulda know sey di procedra noh come out good if mi noh get fi analyze an fingle up certain delicate parts to make sure dem stable and can witstan shack!
Ep25: oooohh dat fingle up part soun good deh Dacta Crusty.. Like how fimi mout lip swell like a 10 LB a liba ..tek some a di swelling put ina mi batty noh .. Mi batty coulda use likkle fingle up to.
Jackie: Yuh mout lip?. Den a mek yuh affi specify "mout" misis???
Ep25: Cawse mi nuh waan nobaddy inyah tink a di odda fat lip mi a talk bout
Bimini: Den a Wha odda lip unu a talk bout? ..Since when dem mek adda lip?
Islandmutt: Young man yuh noh know sey dem have lip a de intersexshan of Pelvis and Legs, Crass by de anal area, 2 inch dung fram di nable tring an battam side di batty crack.
Bimini: (wiping his lips and spitting on himself) SEY WAH?? Den a dat deh lip Ep25 mek mi Kiss di odda day?! ..EP! Mi tink yuh did sey yuh did tun upside dung.. Dam sinting taste bad like a Neosporin to browndaag!!!
Ep25: IT WASN'T ME!! IT WAZ DI PARROT MOUT INYAH NAME JACKIE!! .. MI HAB DI PICTRA DEM AS PROOF!!
Jackie: MI?!! Mi nat even knoa a wha nyame Neosporin!!! .. Noh tell noh lie pan mi yaah .. yuh wicked lyad, likkle maaga skeeza!!!
Juicess: OK,ok ..calm dung before unu go kill aff unu one aneda ova who fah lip taste a Neosporin! ..Lowks mi can si weh dem odda nurse go true now.. come unu come finish tell mi unu name .. who nex?!
[/b] Alpha: [/b] Me nurse!! .. Mi marrid name is Chicken-Butt , fus name Stinky. Mi tink mi a breed to. Mi a cansida fi call mi fus barn ‘Hairy Chicken-Butty’.. Yuh like it Nurse Juicy?
Juicess: Yes it sound good Ms Chicken-butt.. soun real nice fi troot
.. (She struggles to write down the strange names on her note pad) Keep going ..so what’s your name?Queen: Mi is cousin Stinky Chicken Fanny ..an mi related to one a mi granny fowl.
Churchgirl: (rocking in her chair, fanning furiously) Mi is Zippy Cootieshorts an di Lard is my Satan - PRAISE JESAS!! Mi seh praise Jesas!
Jazz: (with attitude) Zsa-Zsa Burgerchunks! An a neva mi bax di police bway! Dat was dat ole heffa name Zsa-Zsa Gabor! Mi tired fi hear dem a ruma mi seh mi lick dung police outta craasroads. MI SEH A NEVA MI!!
Juicess: Airight misis ..how yuh so crass?! Yuh a galang like yuh fhay set unda fi yuh tail.. Anyway .. mi wi try mi bes fi memba dem yah breed a name weh unu have…fi di res a unu, mi wi learn unu name as mi goh alang.. (praying under her breath) Jesas please watch ova mi wid dem yah mad breed!
She walks over to grab a chair so she could sit closer to the patients.
Juicess: Ok let’s try something else for our second exercise. I want volunteers to tell me one thing you like about yourself. Doan hole back.. Jus tink deeeep an tell mi what unu love bout unu madself.. Who want to go fus?
Ebonyeyes: Uuhhmm Nurse Juice! Dat questian hard mam..It a rack wi brain. But mi hav plenty tings fi tell yuh weh mi noh like bout miself
Juicess: Really now? So dere is tings wos dan di fac dat yuh ina madhouse? Airight den go ahead an tell mi what yuh noh like bout yuhself an kip it shart…
Teaoom: No do nat say anyting..I noh trus nurse . look at how har batty feva like Dolly Parton ti-ti...lawd it disgustin!
Juicess: Excuse mi!! lissen to mi mi lang neck ooman, yuh mite mentally challenged but mi noh fraid fi tell yuh fi goh dead some weh a bush ..doan renk yuhself!
PinkeyLou: Mi noh fraid fi talk weh mi noh like - dat easy!! Mi noh like batty! Mi wan dem cut it ina half ar tek aff di whole a it!! it too big man! Look pan ie! (showing the nurse her rear end) Nurse yuh noh tink mi batty big an feva powk barrel?
Juicess: No mi noh si nutten wrang wid it.. Pinkey, yuh jus need fi wear pants weh fit yuh.. yuh noh si how di pants cratches itch up ina yuh batty? Likkle more mi get good pants put an pan yuh mek yuh feva smaddy. Airight Ebony yuh ready?
Ebonyeyes: OK mek mi tell yuh weh mi noh like Ms Juicey ..Mi nuh like mi toe dem, dem mek mi look like mi have duck foot. Look pan dem….
Ctrygal: Lard look pan fi mi dem –dem wosara. Troo mi walk barefoot all bout, mi foot battam dem tough like turkle back! Racstone jook up mi foot battam so til di whole a it bump up.. (raising her feet to show the nurse the gross looking bumps) yuh ago squeeze out di bump dem fi mi nurse?
Juicess: HELL NAH! ..mi nice but nat dat nice..So why don’t yuh wear shoes pan yuh foot den if yuh have a prablem walking barefoot?
Ctrygal: Mi?? Lady is yuh mad? .. di laas time mi put mi foot ina one crep, mi big toe quarell wid mi all night seh it a sufficate. Di dam toe neva tap so til it bore out one big dutty hole ina di crep front fi ketch cool breeze. Mi naah get mi self ina noh more canfrantatian wid dat blastid toe. Mek mi foot tan.
NickytheTricky: Yuh to? Sinting like dat happen to mi yuhnoh .. One day mi toe dem ketch inna fowl fight an get mash up. A mek di toe dem haffi galang so miserable man? Jesas! Dem nat even like when mi pedicure dem ina di tielet wata.. Try as mi may mi caan do nat a dam ting fi please dem to Rastageorge!
Britisha: Unu too angrateful! It betta fi have ugly foot dan no foot and a walk wid krutches like One foot Witchyooman. Yuh noh si how shi feva wan bamboo tick weh katch up clothes line. Unu count unu blessings seh unu have two big hoof pan unu bady.
Ep25: Well like mi sey before, fimi battty too flat like mi come fram di Chim-Chim Burger-tush fambily…all mi waan is a batty dat mek mi look like Eddie Murphy batty ina Nutty Professor ..
Q3210: Well if yuh waan back bumpa, ask di nurse fi some fowl pill. But memba seh Portlander48 did grow feada pan har back an noh tap 'cooka-doodle doo' all night.
Portlander48: Yuh tink dat funny maas Q… a waan yuh fi know seh dat dem pigeon pill deh mek mi lay enough egg and peas fi di whole a wi nyam dinna an breakfast.. mi neva hear yuh mout when yuh did a lick yuh chops dem dowe..
Q3210: Ooman please noh remine mi..a cause mi noh know betta mek mi nyam egg weh come outta yuh behine.. Nurse all mi need is a new left fenda fi mi Toyota…nutten more
Juicess: So yuh have car Mista Q? I Neva know dem mek di patients here drive!
Q3210: Who seh nutten bout cyar ..Mi talking bout di Trolley mi push fram garbage can to garbage can.. dat is mi likkle Toyota.. Di adda day one mini-bus run ova mi poor likkle Tayota Tralley an tear aff di back fenda. An wah bun mi is dat mi neva insure di dam sinting..
After having a good laugh, the nurse’s attention then turned to a man in the back shaking hysterically and beating his head with his knuckles.
Juicess: Are you allright sir? Yuh waan mi call di docta fi yuh?
Rastaminded: No! NO! noh call noh dacta ..(still beatinghis head) Lawd Nurse do.. fix mi brain!...sumtime mi hear people ah bawl affa mi fi goh put aan mi girgle an stackings fi goh a beach. Den di blinking doctor dem halways come ah lock mi up inna wan white jacket .. a dis laas week dem let mi hout. Mi brain noh tan good,.. it feel like one a di nail missing ina mi head..
In his green three piece suit, orange bow tie with a picture frame hanging around his head, his close pal stood up and placed his hand on the RastaMinded’s shoulders to console him.
IslandMutt: Meh son, ah waan blista yuh gat ina yuh head. Calm dung an stap acting like dem blastid momoo! (turning around with his fly open) Nurse I would like to make a ‘pubic’ apology for dis mad man behavior ..si wid im..is nutten im medicatian caan cure.
NickyThetricky: (looking at his bulging Pengaleng) So yuh apologizing far yuh likkle pubic or is yuh pubic doing a private apology? Please explain dat to mi Mutty.
Islandmutt: (still exposing his bulge)Lawd of matches! .. Ooman mek yuh soh faas? Nat only is yuh is unu too fass but yuh too dam speculativatin… Mi talking to di nurse so tap poke yuh nose ina mi bizniz!
NickyThetricky: But wait!..noh yuh a POKE yuh ding-a-ling ina peeple face!! Yuh noh si all a yu private pubic outta door? Dam ediat!
Juicess: Lowd Unu caan behave unuself man!! ..Look unu tap di name-calling an apologize before I remove you from the Ward and place unu ina confinement!
Completely dazed and not following the train of conversation, one of the patients protested:
TeaOom: No fair!! Why yuh gonna ban me? Ok, Ok .. dah Tea Ooman offers a sincere apology to any and all of yuh dat I offended during mi time in Ward21 ...Alicia, mi neva mi neva mean fi call yuh Sea Whale an a Trialor Trackta..
Juicess: Tea, It look like duppy deh pon yuh. You haven't offended anyone.. I am talking about the people who was jus arguing .. siddung an relax yuself.
Jazz: Well den mi waan apologize for de heap a bad name weh mi call Jahlive laas week afta im boom up mi chimmey and bun up mi hairpiece .. Jahlive - ah doan really tink dat yuh is ah pissing pat bway an Bimmi – mi neva mean fi tell yuh badwod an tell yuh yuh lip dem fayva goat liva... mi tek everyting mi seh back
Jahlive: Ooman Clear aff!! Mi naa haccept dem deh apalagy deh ..di way how yuh gwaan ova di likkle renking chimmey an di dutty hairpiece weh feva dish ***** . Mi noh waan hear nutten fram yuh!
Jazz: Well den, You likkle stinking, chink head, sour arm, no batty pants wearing, grape ape face bwaay - GOH NYAM COW DUNG AH BUSH!!
Juicess: Hole an.. hole an!! (Throwing her hands in the air) Lowks unu a di mos cantakarus set a mad people mi eva come acrass.. mek mi apologize to cause when I done lick every one a unu inna unu head and teach unu some sense, mi naw go have time fi sey sarry!
Ivory: [img]/forums/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img] Ok mi laas an confuse.Why wi apalagzing? A mi nex? Whe mi fi sey?
Juicesss: **sigh** Ivory darling ..goh back to picking yuh nose. Yuh soun laas fi true. OK I have ceartainly learnt a lot about all a unu… an mi come to di canclusion dat unu eida need Jesas or unu need some trang medicine. Well it’s almost time for lunch. I will see you all in the lunchroom in about 10 minutes.
All: ~~Yeaaaahhhhh!!! FOOD!! FOOD!!! FOOD!!!! ~~
LUNCH ROOM
============
The patients dragged their lazy feet to the lunchroom where the nurse and the cafeteria staff were waiting for them to be seated. For lunch the patients had a choice between chicken fingers or beef patties and box juice.
Juicess: What can I get you to eat likkle miss? Patty or Chicken fingas?
Jackie: (talking in her head) dem musi breed di chicken dem dunga Arizona to fallee tee..mi neva even did knoa say chicken coulda have finga and dem noh gat noh han.. Gi mi di patty nurse Juice ..dem chicken finga deh look kina deadly an dangarous!
Jamericangirl: Jackie yuh noh know seh chicken finga a sinting good fi defen yuhself when yuh a walk a street…Yuh nuh need noh gun a tall when yuh have a chicken finga. One time mi use one whole chicken an knack out one puss flat a grung.. An yuh can all use drumstick fi batta batta smaddy wi ie…
Jackie: Eeh eeh? Den yuh mean sey mi can shawpen di chicken finga wid raaza an jook EP ina har yeye?...
EP25: Jook who dutty gal? Mi noh eena di chicken eida ..mi memba one day mi a nyam outta di garbage pan a Micky Dees an bite ina one Hyperdermical neegle ina di chicken nugget. When di neegle jook mi, mi lip dem swell up BIG soh!
Jackie: ~~chrpppttttcchhhh~~~ yuh gaan back pan di big lip argument again?
Kingman: A wah kinda sinting unu a do wid unu mout mek it can swell up suh. De only time fimi mout swell up is when di Dacta dem did tek out mi laas ratten teet, das all.
Jackie: Hey Kingman yuh noh si sey di piece a spinach yuh nyam laas week still cack-up inna im teet!! Go wash yuh mout an come outta peeple canvasatian.
Precious1: Unu can tan deh mek fuss ova di lickle chicken finga dem, all mi know is, ie wi goh good wid dis green banana mi fine ina di gutta roun a back.. who beg nah get, han who no beg no want none.
Juicess: (slapping the patient wrist) Precious dash weh di dutty piece a green banana!.. Noh care how people a try clean up unu dutty nassy ways, unu til a act like dem dam invalid ..cho! (turning to another patient) Now weh yuh waan to eat mam?
Ensom: (sucking finger and playing w/t ears) Same ting mi have yesideh nurse Juice.
Juicess: Ms I wasn’t hear yessiday so yuh gwine havvi tell mi what yuh waan fi eat
Ensom: Mi nuh nyam fowl meat. Di Fowl dem too dam nassy- dem walk all bout a nyam drumma roach.. jus gi mi a nice juicy peica daag meat fi nyam.
Juicess: (with disgusted tone) Daag Meat! Is Daag meat yuh nyam yessiday?!! Ensom: Weh di pussjook duh yuh?! Yuh deaf? Mi hear when di adda nurse did seh dem serving hat daag an chips! So mi know fi a fac dat a daag mi nyam yessiday!
Juicess: Lawd Jesas yuh friten mi .. if mi falla unu inyah mi goh mad to reetid.. well no hotdog tideh ..hole dis patty. What yuh waan to eat Jazz?
Jazz: Mi waan tirteen patty nurse Juice
Juicess: Only one patty yuh can get .. yuh belly too blastid lang.
missgoody_69:: Mi waan patty to please, tanks, you’re welcome..
They all began to eat their lunch when suddenly there was a loud scream.
missgoody_69: NURSE JUICE – RUN COME YAH ..yuh hear dat?
Juicess: Hear what now Msgoody?!
missgoody_69: Yuh noh hear di pieca beef a talk to imself an a laugh? Shhhh!! Lissen good!
Juicess: **sigh** di patty nat meking a sound - a yuh head a tek yuh ..eat up Msgoody..eat up an stap di trupidness!
She took another bite off the patty and threw it violently on the floor ..
missgoody_69: NURSE IT STILL A TALK!! It wispa sinting to mi.. lowd woyyeee di patty beef hav Mad Cow decease! A bet yuh a Texas dem get di cow fram ..di cow dem dung deh mad, mad, mad.. a troo mi a tell unu .. mi hear di soun dem!
The other lady who had eaten the patty started to tremble with fright. Without warning she leapt from her chair and started screaming hysterically:
Jazz: SACRISE!! HELP, HELP!!!!! (running around an ripping off her clothes) It ketch mi wwoooyyyyiiieee – Everybady Run fe oonu life..RUN TO DI HILLS!! - it cantagious BAD! (pulling at her hair) It inna mi head ..lawd it ina mi head..tek ie out –DO mek it stap
A few other nurses helped tackling the lady to the floor before she could go further. They held her to the floor while the nurse pulled out her needle with the sedative.
Juicess: (talking to another nurse) Brownsugga, yuh si if a neva sin fi tek advantage a mad people .. a woulda gi dah ooman yah one rahtid bax yuh si.. Jesas savior, mi noh know how much more mi can tek demyah breed a madness inyah.
Brownsugga: Ms Juicess, keep the faith .. A true yuh noh know sometime a waan peepa spray dem baxide! Dem gi to much trubble man! Come wi seh a small praya fi all a dem mad people yaah. (Praying while still containing Jazz) [i]hour fadda which art in heaven, please look opon dese mad souls today lord and touch dem, pull dem to yuor bosom lord and annoint dem wid some sense, heal dem lord before dem mad aff Nurse
Juicess... take them into yur hands lord and give dem two beesnaught lick inna dem head ... in jesus name I pray amen..
Alicia: A wah mek dem nurse yah a disadvantaged wi an a call dung Jesas pan wi soh? ..Dem noh know sey fi wi motto is 'out of many, many mad peeple wi is one a di same'. Dem betta mine wi gaada up an tun out pan di whole a dem inyah eenoh
Bandido1:Tell dem yaah 'Licia..Wi demans more respec cause wi legally an offycially certifyable.. an if wi cyaan stan' up fi sump'm inyah.. wi ago lie dung wid anybady!
Jackie: YES SAR!! an If yuh lie dung fi hennyting an anybady, yuh naahgo able fi tan up!
Bimini: Amen Sista! An If dem pee-pee into di breeze, dem might get splash wid dem owna piss!
Bandido1: DATS RITE! Farwud NEVA.. Backwud FI -EVA!! If a war dem waan mek ie Start!!.. How much a wi ago fight dis war now?!
RastaMinded: (Thinking to himself) 2 times 6 plus 8 uh....carry di 20 aahhm...plus 19 minus 4..dat mek Eleven-fifty Bandi - Eleven-fifty a wi a go fight dis blouse n skirt war mi betren! All dem waan a one good bax fi save dem fram damnation!!
The nurses had heard enough had felt it was time to clear the lunchroom before things got out hand.
Juicess: AIRIGHT ENOUGH!! Di whole a unu line up an falla nurse Browsugga back to the di Ward! Bandido, yuh come wid mi sar .. yuh going to solitary confinement cause yuh is one french fry an 2 burga shart of a happy meal.
Bandido: (groaning) Uuuhmm.. Lawd nurse Juice, A feel bad yuh si.. A di flu a tek head .. all mi waan is a cup a sum chicken soup mam..
Juciess: Come, come ..mi noh waan hear aneda word outta yuh mout.
---------------
As the nurse escorted Bandido out of the lunchroom, the other patients followed the other nurse back to the Ward. Once in the room, a restless patient soon broke the silence in the room, kicking and rolling on the floor.
Ocheeheart: AARRGGGHH!!! The wall dem a cave in pan mi!! Why oh Why???!!! Hab mercy on mi!!! SSAAAAVVVEEE MEEEE ..LLLLAAAWWDDDDD!!! Take mi to de riva Nile!!!
Frightened and shocked one of the patients rushed to her and started pounding her head on the hard ground shouting:
PinkeyLou: LUCIFA - GET OUT AF HAR!!! In di Name Of Jesas, Mathew, Luke and Paul Bogle, I command You To Leave Her Baddy!!!! (still beating her head on the floor) CUM OUT MI SEY!!… Yuh tinking dutty Devil! LEF HAR ALONE an go to Hell!!!!
Sistagiirl: Woyyeee Misis yuh ago kill di ooman .. tap lick up har head soh! (pushing Pinky to the side, she opened her palm and slapped Ochee) **BLAP**! SNAP out of it!!! Yuh gwine mek dis lacka sex mad yuh wosara.. Noh mek mi call nurse Juice fi come jook yuh wid di lang neegle ..yuh betta kip yuhself quite!
Qtits: ***sigh** ..Mi know how shi feel..Mi waan dem fi jus kill mi an bury mi an dun..
ctrygal: Wah do yuh mek yuh a sey dat now .. yuh have lacka sex prablem to?
Qtits: It ruff when Valentine day soon come an mi no hab nobaddy ..if a even fi have one man fi cuss out im baxide..all day mi siddung inya a cuss aff miself an mi tired a mi mout now.
Ep25: (sad face)Mi nuh hab nobaddy eida ..Qtits Yuh waan mi an yuh go shop goh buy tree dozen good man?
Bigbooie: Kiss mi jawbone!! A wah dis mi hear ina Bellvue yah..Unu a gwan like mon a Renta yam inna market! Buy good mon? Lawd mi tiad a unu now man!
Goldilocks84: Man a Renta Yam? Den if a soh, yuh can tell wi weh fi fine di good yam dem sar?
Jahlive: Spptttt.. unu hav no fear, plenty good Renta yam is here! Since as Nurse Juice no deyah mi ago auctian aff di man dem fi unu baletine. . An dere will bi no CHUSSING ..a money mi a look fi escape an ketch a minibus fi look fi mi galfren Chayil dung a Clarendon bush...weh unu sey bout dat?
Qtits: Yuh really mad to BirdCage! A weh di blood fyah wi fi get money fram .. yuh noh si sey di whole a wi ina madhouse stone daag bruck - nat even sense wi noh hab!
Jahlive: Lawd ooman! a try mi a try help yuh out yuhnoh .. unu muss have peeple a farrin can Westan Union unu some money afta di auctian ..come noh Jadine - weh yuh a seh? Yuh a go put some dallas ina di pat?
Jadine MI?!! Mi fi put mi money pan dem yah breeda cowad man?! Yuh mussi til deh pan di crackpipe!.. Wah day mi beg all a unu fi come help mi run out di green lizzad fram unda mi bed an di whole a unu galang like a crocodile did unda deh how unu gi mi all sarta excuse nuffi come help mi. Seka unu di dam lizzad tan deh til ie crawl up ina mi baggy inna mi sleep..
Bimni:Mi still believe seh dat was no Lizzad unda yuh bed... mi mine tell mi seh it was Cappy a hide unda di bed an neva cova up all di way...
Jadine: Look yah noh Bimni - jus troo mi ina madhouse noh mean mi a eediat! Bimini Mi seh it was a big fat green lizad… None a unu neva help mi an di Oven Cleana mi tek spray im outta mi draws…right yah now di whole a mi private parts scarch aff to bloodcup. Mi neva know seh a soh di blastid Oven cleaana trang!!
Queenb:Jadine mi neva tell yuh fi mek di dam lizzad tan which part it did deh?! Look how much masquita ina di place an di lizzad deh yah good good an nyam di masquita dem an yuh tek yuh friten foo-fool self goh kill ie aff!
Jahlive Airight Jadine since yuh bun up yuh privates wid oven cleana den yuh noh gat noh use fi noh man yah now .. yuh dis fi tan one side an watch.. Come people who a bid pan di man dem step up ..let di bidding start!
Ep25: Airight si yah Jahlive .. mi a put $500 dalla pon Cappy....all like how mi a dead fi hungry an im can cook..
Jahlive: Wait pan mi fi put dem pan di black noh mad ooman! Di fuss man mi a put out is Bimini. (pushing Bimini) Gwane out deh mek di gyal dem si yu before a gi yu 2 rhatid lik! .**He hem**! Ok Ladies..Dis man can mek a wicked peicea Peas Strew soup..
Bimini: (whispering in Jahlive's ear) Doan figit fi tell dem sey mi jus get di call mi a wait pan.....memba mi get di cantract fi star ina porn movie to.
Jahlive: Oh Yes mi figet mi pardi .. Yes ladies , im a star inna blue movie and im is a scrippa. A nuff tings unnu a get so what mi can get fi im?
BLOZ: Baxide! If a laugh mi sprain mi nose.. Bimini a go tun porno-graphty star?? 'teva! Tell mi di ticle suh mi noh baddy waste mi trupance buy it... Mi a puddung $20 pon Mutty an $50 pon Kingie cause dats all dem wuklis ole fart wot!
Chazproduction: Mek di bway tan if im waan tun scrippa ..yuh noh si sey im pants batty always tear out anyway.. im is a natural!! Bimini if ah dat float yuh boat, gwaan yuh hear.. Mi wish yuh smooth sailing... But mine when yuh a float yuh boat, yuh goh sink smaddy else ship.
Msgoody_69: **DWL** Fall dung!!!!den Bimini,yu sure u a go able rise to de occashaun when dem a flim yuh?....Mi a dead fi si dat deh movie when ie come out to rahtid. Betta yet, mi goh ask nurse Juice if shi can let mi out fi goh watch di taping..
Jazz: Well mek im show wi im skills right yah so! Ah lang time now mi waan si Bimmi scrip so mi a put $200 dallas pan im tea pat. An hey sour bway Jahlive - ah hope yuh know seh every dalla yuh calleck gwine straight back fi buy back mi chimmey yuh boom up di adda day!
CC1: Mi a put $250 pon Bimini ova Jazz head! Please to tek off yu pants to! yu eva si no bady a gi table dance inna pants (singing) shake yu ***, show mi what yu working with, shake it fast .....Woyyeyeee ketch im lilly batty up in the air. heeeeeheeee.
Bimini tripped shaking his butt in front of the women. The female patients stood on tables to get a full view.
Bimini: (mumbling to himself) bway ah ongle hope dis yah pance hole up an noh get rip off cause a a mi likkle bredda pance mi barra fram 1979!!
Dreadilocks: Bimini...mi ope yuh did put on fresh drawz dis mawnin.. A ongle ope a noh di same drawz dat yuh a wear fram di yr yuh lan a Bellvue.
Jahlive: YOW BIG HEAD BWAY - please fi kip on yu pants! nobaddi no waa fi si yu batty! Rasta beg yuh juss gi dem likkle shoulda move an some dela skank yaah!
Jazz: Shut up yuh mout Jahlive! Tek it aff Bimini, tek it aff... $299.99 pan BImmi Bwoy – (singing) shake dat boodie dat jesas gave yuh .. shake dat boodie in di name of di Lard!!
Alpha: (not pleased with the show) So whappen? No odda man nah sell? Ah disya man unu have alone? **kiss teet** Dis yah rif-raf lookin sinting yah nah mek it atall tall.
Jahlive: Hole on man! Draw out yuh straw purse deh Alpha ..mi hab a man fi yuh coming up. Mi have Q3210 Im no wata dung lika di ress a dem an im full a lyrics. Even if a palitrics ima talk ina yuh ears ole - a still lyrics.. Com Alpha com spen som money ya so..Si Kingman yah to..
TaeOom: (stepping up with a pair of Red panties drooped over her head) $100.00 For dat King man Dude!
Alpha: **kiss teet** Time unoo diddeh a dash weh money pon Kingman, unno tek ie sen him go a Jamal… Si $200 fi Q ova yah soh. Mi waan im fi mi come stimulate mi mine an any odda working parts pan mi bady...Pass mi goods ova yahso PU-LEEZE!
Jahlive: Airight good bizniz! Q3210, wipe aff di mout wata fram yuh lip an gwan wid Alpha.. Airight Dis a di gyal dem sugga up b]Capy[/b] up nex... Capy a one baas chefis an when im ketch unnu baxside unda di mango tree a pier wuk unnu ago get. Mek mi hear whe unnu a gi mi fi im.
Gyalpondefront: Mi puddung $800.00 dolla pan Capy.. Mi a look fi some good wuk unda di mango tree
Ep25: Wait a darn minute.....$1500 pon Cappy teelie ...Mi caan mek no ooman outbid mi pan dis one yah
Gyalpondefront: So a mi yuh waah ramp wid ms EP? ..airight 9 million pan Capy.
Jahlive: But Cakafart! ..it look mi can buy wan minubus afta dis! Capy show dem likkle sitten a nuff money yu bring mi tidey…show dem how yuh can tek out yuh teet an put een ie back. Gwane my yute.
Capitall: Yuh dis mek sure a ungly US dolla a bid pan mi yaah sah .. mi hab a sneaky suspician seh a Jamdumg money an LIRA dem a bid an dat noh wot quatty!
The bids got higher and higher and so did the noise and chaos grew as well.
Jahlive: Airight mi ago share out di man dem nung.. Alpha come fi Q, TeaOom si yuh Kingy yah, CC1 tek Bimini. **kin teet** wooyyeee mi ina money, woyyowee mi ina money!!
BLOZ
is noh fair Jahlive mi mus can win wan man pan default! Lawd a would do anyting fi get even pieca Mutty an likkle bit a Cappy ..Jazz: NO SAH!!! A war dis!! mi want ah recount!!! (she chanted) RECOUNT, RECOUNT, RECOUNT!!!!
The women who lost out were ina frenzy and started to chant “Recount’, throwing chairs at Jahlive and his crew of men. A passing hosptial worker saw what was happening and sounded the alarm signalling the security staff and nurses to attend to the scene. The head nurse came rushing in.
[ b] Juicess:[/b] What in Gad's name unu a gwaan wid as mi tun mi back!! Who START DIS? WHA HAPPEN IN YAH? Smaddy betta talk faas!!
Dreadilocks: A di fullmoon mek dem goh haywire nurse..mi neva ina it. Is Bimini an di one Jahlive an try samfi wi outta wi money!
Islandmutt: Nurse Juicy, all mi did si is Bimini batty crack an im a trow sinting weh resemble old dish cloth weh heng up inna kitchen since noah bill de ark!
Bimni: Ah Jahlive did inyah a tun mi ina blue movie star nurse…Im up inyah a tun pimp daddy an a sell wi aff fi nuff money .. Si im deh a hide anda di table..
Juicess: Soh as mi back tunu, yuh gaan from TIEF, to scripper an now Porno eediat?!! Yuh whoring behine caan even breed ants much less. Jahlive get fram unda di table an come here to MI!
Jahlive: (still hiding, he yelled) Absent teacha!
Juicess: Bway noh mek mi get di stunt gun and shack out yuh rahtid yuhnoh!
Jahlive: (still hiding)Eeemm..uuhhmmm.. but ..but… yuh ago beat mi..
Juciess: (turning to the securtiy gaurds standing behind her) Security, beg yuh goh drag im out fram unda di table mek a push dah neegle ina im put im outta a im misery ..mi noh hav noh time fi dis.
As commaned, security hauled Jahlive from under the table leg first as he was kicking and screaming. The other patients looked on giggling and taunting Jahlive. He was thrown into solitary confinement as punishment for causing disturbance.
Later that evening, a very frustrated Nurse Juicess prepared to turn in her medical forms and punch out for the day. As she mumbled and griped to herself, her co-worker walked up to her to congratulate her on her first day.
Brownsugga: A si yuh getting ready fi leave fi di day nurse Juicess. Well it was a pleasa having yuh wid us today an yuh really did a good jab. Mi know di day neva goh soh good wid bunch a heathens an lunatics inyah but mi hoping yuh day wi go betta tomorrow – yuh hear?
Juicess: **kiss teet* Tomorrow? A soh yuh tink! Well Bronwsugga darling..tanks but when me walk troo dat door mi nat setting aneda foot ina dis haspital again. Mi noh cut out fi dem yah madniss yah a tall a tall..
Brownsugga: NO man! Yuh caan quit soh! ..Den who a go run di place tomorraw when yuh noh deh yah?
[/b]Juicess: [/b] Yuh si mi look like mi care?.. Yuh can run di ward if yuh waan but mi
nat tanning inyah mek dem satan people yah mad mi… Unu betta dan mi, mi have betta tings fi do wid mi life.
With that, the very wary and beat up nurse walked through the hospital doors and never looked back.
Brownsugga: (Shaking head) Kiss mi rahtid bwaay! Aneda dam head nurse bite di duss!! How di hell wi ago manage inyah tomorrow ?