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Welcome to this week’s Suss report. This report details all that happened in Wedding for Wendy and Red Ants last week. The story is set in rural Jamaica. Please if yuh name is not in the Suss you was probably in the back keeping quite [img]/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img] One more thing..THESE ARE JUST JOKES PEOPLE!! Warning: Please close the office doors for this one..I almost died laughing at this one. Laugh along and enjoy. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]
WEDDING DAY
==============
It was a sunny Saturday afternoon at 2:40 pm and the Boardlane Baptist church was packed filled with guest for the wedding of the Millennium. The bride’s maids (Jazz, Alpha, Guineppe, PinkeyLou )and grooms men (Bandido, RichD, Mr Mention, Jim Screech ) were standing outside the church door waiting for any sign of the couple who were running late.
Alpha: How comes Mr Ants an Ms Wendy doan reach here yet? Wi nuh waan no poppy show weddin enuh! AWOAH
The photographer Willdog2x was wiping sweat from his brow as the sun was percing through his bush jacket, making him hot and sweaty. The video operator Queen circled the church as it echoed with chatter as some grew agitated by the lateness of the couple:
Brownsugga: But what kind a wedding dis weh di bride and groom nuh show up all now fi di ceremony.. a bet seh dem ketch manny manny Wendy jooksing smaddy else... A have a bad feeling in di pit of mi stomach seh someting bad a go happen tideh yuh know
Indira: CHO! A onlge hope dem noh call off di wedding cause mi ina di mood fi some black cake…a bet seh a Red Ants fault .Dat bway chase frack tail like dem fowl yuh si a chase cockroach.
Jooks: Mi self only dehyah fi some black cake to misis .. RedAnts mussi get ketch wid im lang-time sweethart Chantel .. a wanda a what a gwaan sah?
DianP: A how much time Wendy shi a married now anyway?..mi marrid 23 yrs now an if fi mi husban eva lef mi mi naah marrid again a backside. Dis marrige ting a to much wok an di man dem too blastid hard fi train.
Jadine: Mi seh misis di loneliness can canfuse mi yuh si .. mi divorce fi 100 yrs now an one minute mi waan a marrid an di nex minute mi chage mi mine. Now mi tink if dat deh bush gal Wendy an can marrid, den dere is hope fi mi.
Joycie: Girl get yuhself a Rastaman..Mi meet a rasta an im tek one good look pon mi and mi tek one good look pon im buddy and di res is history.
Jooks: Yes Jadine dis is di season fi di JA buddy… get it while supplies last girl!
Sistagirl: True gal! Mi have fimi JA buddy puddung safe.. but unu noh tink Wendy shoulda sign a pre-nup before shi marrid dat bway?..When dem man lef yuh dem gi yuh hell yuhnoh..dem tek every striking ting fram yuh an lef yuh fi mine di pickney dem
Nyks: No sah! Fus to begin none a dem noh have a dam ting to dem name. Wendy nat even live noh weh good. People mek money run dem life to much ..all dem need love ina dem heart.
Brownsugga: (changing the subject) All unu a chat ..look ova dehsoh pon di one Annie Palmer mi waan fi know a weh shi a goh wid di whole bungle a weave weh wrap round har head wid di tracks dem showing, den look how har batty cock up noh ..what a ugly site dat man.
A man sitting behind the ladies was irritated by the chit chatter from the women:
Islandmutt: Hey, unu caan tek time? ..how unu ooman so malicious wid di gassiping soh…All unu a do is siddung yah a rejoice ina di people dem misery..cho! and by di way, Wendy a breed fi smaddyelse ..but unu neva hear dat fram mi.
Jadine: Wait!.. a soh mi hear to yuh noh Mutty .. Shi a marrid man whe shi nat even know.. Bway it look like ANTS a get JACKET!
Ivory: Lissen noh ..unu tap it!! A dem gassip gassip ting yah wreck marriages, ruin people reputatian, causes heartache, nightmare and indegestian…unu too r** wicked an bad.. If unu know seh dem sinting deh noh true unu SHUT UP!
Marcia: Shhhh!!! Please tone down the language and obey the Church rules. Show some reverence or I may have to end this discussion this minute.
Ivory: Sarry yuh hear Marcia.. yuh know how it goh arredi when dem people yah piss yuh off.
Meanwhile Sista Beluved stood by the church door greeting and ushering the other guests in. A tall gentleman looking confused walked over to her and said:
Wahalla :Aftanoon Mada…. Mi deh pon di VIP lis an mi tink mi betren Red Ants seh mi fi siddung a di front seat so mi can get a full size view.
Beluved: There is no such seating arrangement sar .,. if yuh is here fi di groom den yuh fi siddung pon di lef side an katch anyway yuh can fine a space.
Wahalla: Lady a how yuh a gwaan so man ..yuh mean dere is no perturbation an perks fi mi since mi is a yaadi?.. big big VIP like mi noh siddung ina back row..
Beluved: Well yu a di bigges VIP ediat mi eva buck up pon ..Masa almost everybady inya is Jamaican incase yuh neva know .. how yuh fi so brite an waan special treatment cause yuh a yaadi..tek di program fram mi an galang goh katch yuh batty pon wan empty seat roun a back….bout VIP!
Wahalla hissed and walked away looking around for a seat. He spotted an empty space beside and made his way in the direction.
Wahalla: Anybady a siddung yahso betren?
Capleton: Yes baas… King Selasi-i seatet by my side 24 x 7 yuh noh seeit…but Selasi-i naah goh mek di wedden so yuh can hole di seat mi betren
Wahalla: (looking confused as he stuttered) Se-se-lassie?? No offense dread but dem bury Emperor Haile Selassie fram 1975! Yuh waan tell mi seh duppy faalla yuh 24x7?!!
Capleton: (Seemingly angry he snapped at Wahalla) YOW YOW YOW... UNNU CUT OUT DI CONSPIRACY....JAH LIVETH!...I FEEL HIM IN MI SOUL. RASTAFARI Bun FIYA fI all who say JAH dead an tun duppy...bunnn fiyyyaaa fi all bald head who no love rasta.. bun out sodoma an dem evil conception.. Some a unnu feel say since a man believe a certain ting im a eeeediaaat....who? RED HOOOOOOTT FYHA pon yuh bald head bway!
A man seated beside them dressed in African robes wearing a ring in his nose and a dog leash around his neck turned to the Rasta and said:
Aimee: My brother your master of who you uplift exhibited menace to the Ebonite tribe of Amani in the day of Zenith.. I conclude with the words of Rheziku "Selassi his imperial Majesty was a son off b*tch for raping my people on Mount Mayita.
Capleton: A whe di bum-bum ***** yuh a come fram wid yuh tribes of Ebonites??!...I man is a rasta from di tribe of Ruben! Yuh know bout Ruben?! Well im wasn’t a r**s Ebonite! Your evilous chat a disrespec man like Ras Pinkey, Bobo Skanky and Ras Pampidoo fram di 12 Tribe of Israel… No mek mi get ignorant ina di people dem church yuh hear rasta ..,Bun fyan pon yuh yuh an yu Amani babylonians!
The people sitting in the area were all alarmed by the noise and the uproar that the rasta was stirring.
Lawx: Bwoy, me nuh know how me so bad luckied. Fuss it was a 'tinking mout gal and now me have one chatterbox a siddung beside mi. What a Rastaman can chat like im feed pon fowl batty!! It would be bad and not so bad if weh im a seh mek any blastid sense! Cho Rahtid man!
Slick: Some people chat too much fi true…dem betta noh mek mi muscle up di strent fi tell dem shut dem trap an have mannas! (frowning his nose) Some a dem people yah nat even smell so good.. A mussi one dege dege basin a wata dem bade ina dis marning.
Ja-kid: (smelling his under arm) Sorry boss a mus mi smell soh..usually mi bade dung a riva side but di sun neva come out dis marning fi warm up di wata…dat deh riva wata soh cole dat yuh tan all 2 mile an hear mi a scream like smaddy a commit murda! Nat evan mi foot battam mi coulda wash before mi come a di weddin.
Suddenly the groom came running into the church tore up from the floor up. He appeared to have been in a dogfight. His pant crotch was torn and hanging. His hair uncombed and filled with sand. His shoes were barely on his feet as he limped his way to the front.
RedAnts: Mi aplalagize fi come soh late people..but unu noh waan know what happen to mi ..smaddy try fi kill mi an dem kill mi daag an puss an den bun dung mi house..one lang story..but mi is here now an Wendy soon come.
Shortly after the bride showed up in a JUTA Taxi and her give a way escorted her out of the taxi:
Rasta_Mined one: Wendy yuh late noh backside..Antise im jus reach yah to..yuh sure seh yuh waan marrid dat likle Ants bway.. Mi si im dis marning wid di ol dutty gyal Chantel yuh noh.
Wendy: RastaMinded, mi noh waan hear nutten bout noh Chantel. Mi marriding tideh cause dis is di laas an final time mi a goh troo dis ting. Im is di one ..dem oda 14 husban neva wot nutten.
When all was set, the bridal party marched through the aisle waving and winking at the admiring guests.. Alpha tried hard to control her knees from knocking but to no avail. You could hear the cracking of her knees sounding over the march song. When the bridal party was in place the Pastor signaled the bride was ready to march in. The piano sounded and the guests rose to their feet.
Rasta_Minded: Airight Wendy yuh ready?..Lef foot fus..NOH DAT LEF ..di oda one!
Wendy: tek time wid mi noh man! Cho!..airght mi ready
As the bride and the give away marched down the isle the guest were in whispers as they look on:
Jeanie1: What a gal head tan bad…A dat PinkeyLou do wid Wendy head?..Bugga! If dem di mek mi do har hair as a hexperience butishan and barbaz shi woulda look more beautifishious fi har wedding . Har dam head feva like seh fowl did a scratch out di front fi fine place fi lay egg!
Nuffness: Shhh!! Tap yuh nize noh gal! Neva mine har head ..Pinkey neva do a bad job. Pinkey have a Bachelas in hair creming.. ..is jus dat Wendy head tough an it noh tek crème good
Jeanie1: Well di special tanic mi use ina my crème coulda tendarize dat tough head betta dan dat..
Ensomgirl: A tru Jeanie, it did betta shi did come a my hairdressa..dat ooman do hair good an all yuh havi do is tip har wid a 3pc from Popeye's. Shi woulda all touch up har roots dem an sprinkle likkle bit a silva glitta ina har head mek shi look like smaddy.
Nuffness: Lissen to mi Ensom .. shet yuh mout an noh baady come spoil up mi bizniz..atleast mi private haridressa neva bun up Wendy farrid like how dem bun up fi yuh!
EnsomGirl: Den a who sew dat deh frack deh….afta it noh tan good.
Nuffness: How yuh mean?? Dat come straight from my Bootique line.. dat a di latest Lick name Eggsup An Brite.. All Rasta_Minded a wear some "Lego Mi Balls" pants..Yuh noh si how dem look trash an ready!!
Blessed: Dem look like trash fi true ..mi noh know bout di ready part! Mi caan believe a dat yuh a pay PiunkyeLou $67,000 a yr fah..mite as well yuh did gi mi di likkle wok cause mi atleast mi can hem straight.
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As soon as the bride was given away, Red Ants took the hands of his bride to be and the faced the pastor. The Pastor spoke out to the congregation:
Cwee: Massive and Crew wi a run late so mi naah goh talk to much so right about now please put you hands together for our Soloist who shall sing an inspirational sang fi open up di ceremony..CLAP HAR!! (**audience clapped**)
Msbens: Thank you. **clear throat** Dis one reaching out di mi sistren Wendy..watch dis!
shi shi, shi have di Ants ina har baggie-gigie
Shi shi, mine im bite yuh wid it
shi shi, si shi have di Ants ina har baggie-gigie
Shi shi, mine im bite yuh wid it
Shi use to gi it to rude bway Bankie
But im ketch sinting an Dacta caan cure ee
While singing, the Maid of honor Jazz was boggling and the guest were on their feet bubbling and some had their lighters in theair. The pastor was in the background shouting: “A BIG CHUNE!! MORE FYAH!”.. When Msbens was done, she received a resounding applause as she made her way back to her seat.
]Cwee: Dat was a wicked selction..fi real! Anyway, Breddas, Sisters, rollin calfs, gingy flies, ants, dogs and pusses. Ti-day is a very special day (hallelujah). Praises be to di Loooooord because on this day (hallelujah), mi say on this day, we will be preparing to witness the holy matrimony of two a wi own. (Tenk yuh Puppa Jeesas). Tidey dis Tyrant gal gwine get married to di Insect bwoy. (Can I get a Amen!) Nothing, mi say nothing in dis world of iniquity can stand in the way of dese two love birds as dem prepare fi lizard lap dem one aneda (Tenk yuh Jeesas, mi say, "mo’ fyah"...uhhm I mean "praise di Lord"). If anybody in here know anything that can prevent dese two from copulating...please sey it now an tek all di time in di worl cause dem a pay mi by di hour!(hallelujah)
Jeanie1: Yes pastor mi have something to seh.. (the crowd gasped in surpise) ..Onnu jus betta tap disyah pappy show right now caws henny baddi ago marrid to Antsie a mi!!!! IMAGINE mi tun mi back fi 2 minutes an Miss Wendy a come marrid off mi man. Naw sah NUTTEN NAH GOH SOH!!!
Bandido1: YES JEANIE! Dem mussi tek wi fi eediat! All de pramises weh dis dry foot gyal mek, nung she ah tawk bout marrid to Red Ants! Well mek mi tell oonu sinting NAT A WARRA-WARRA WEDD'N MAW GWAAN AS LANG AS MI LIVIN!!!
Cwee: Hey wait a minute now Miss Lady have a seat, yuh broad hat blocking di view of di people in di back ..objection ova ruled!!.. an Mista Bess Man, how yuh a behave like a likkle fassey soh? (Lord figiveth me) True di girl gi yuh a one slap an shi neva like it yuh tun sour puss? Well di wedding a gwan tidey yuh noh baas.. yuh si like how I man gamble out every penny to mi name mi a get my money wort outta dis..BTW, yours truly is asking di cangregation to please mek out yuh church building fund donation checks to Cee dash Wee Incorporated Unlimited
Alpha: But si yah ..a wedding dis or church a convention? Disyah a church dun buil fram 1967.. nat a ting lef fi buil pon it..yuh tink wi a ediat noh
Cwee: Sista please spoke when you are speaken to.. Yuh andastan standard patwa? ..Good! Now hush yuh mout an hole di bouquet an mne yuh mek di flowas dem drop out a grung
Jazz: (Whispers in Wendy’s ears) Lawd Wendy – disyah pastor a mad man to fart… yuh couldn fine sumbaddy else fe marrid yuh. All im good fah ah fe look up unda de sista dem fracks..an look how im a stare dung ina dem ti-ti!
Wendy:(whispers back) A di bes mi coulda do.. di res a pastor dem deh a jail fi children molestatian
Out of nowhere a foul odor seeped into the air from where the bridal party stood.
Guineppe: (covering her nose)A who poop man ?!
PinkeyLou: Sarry! .. di pill dem weh Dacta gi mi have some side-effect.. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif[/img]
Cwee: Good Lowd! ..(talking to the guests) For those who don’t know what going on up here..Pinkylou jus poop! Unu bless di Lowd seh unu dung deh so …MASSI JESAS!
RedAnts: Lawd a mercy can wi get back to wi wedding PLEASE!.. mi ready fi seh mi vows before dem people yah tek jealousy an mash up mi weddin!
Cwee: Rasta noh bawl offa a man of God like dat again before a bax yuh wid mi 2 by 4 ..,have paychence!.. As I was saying.. Lord you are our Rock (can di congregation say amen!), Lord tenk yuh fi di pretty girl dem yuh have siddung in a di front row! I wanna give a shout out to my dog Pastor Willie of di 3rd Circuit and my home-Rev Deacon Charlie from di 2nd Baptist. Hol' tight deacon cause yuh know yuh is di choir girl dem sugar (tenk yuh Jeesas). Please to exchange yuh vows dem..an talk loud soh di harda earring people a back can hear yuh.
RedAnts: (turning to Wendy) Darling, I promise to love an honor you all the days of my live. I promise to full up yuh belly wid plenty Ants. I promise to bi yuh Quincie cah mi nah dun di wok till mi do autapsie pan yuh baxside fe mi hevidence.I promise fe tek care a yuh hargasum as lang as yuh tek care a fi mi... I promise not to snore like a fog horn an kip yuh up all night lang. Dese tings I promise to you mi suga plumps. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]
Wendy: (Turning to Red Ants): Puttus, I promise to love an obey yuh an not to fake Orgasm. If mi not in di mood I will pramise dat if yuh noh know weh yuh a do mi go tell yuh to yuh face weda yuh like it ar nat. I promise to tell daddy fi stap fyha shat afta yuh. I promise dat if yuh neva eva want to watch ‘Soul Food’, wi will go si ‘Big Mamas House’ instead. Dese tings I promise to you mi stamina daddy. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]
Cwee: Aright..lovely,lovely vows ..RedAnts yuh can tongue dung di bride now
The bride and groom kissed as the guest cheered and clapped.
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Jooks: (holding back the tears) Love, Love, aaahhh Love..I memba dat good ole feeling.. Yuh heart beating madly, your stomach's filled with butterflies, your hands are clammy, your mouth is dry, and yuh tink yuh gwine faint.. oh it is so good to see love praspa.
Honeyface: Love praspa mi back foot..Jooks what yuh doan know is dat deh marrige naah laas paas tomorrow.
Alicia: How yuh fi seh dat Honeyface.. dem is di 2 most lovilishious couple mi eva si
Honeyface: (giggling) Hey heya! Yuh jus wait til shi fine out seh im a garbageman.. shi gwine dump im like stale meat! Dat deh gal tell mi seh shi naah pick up noh baddy whe pick up garbage a roadside ..RedAnts mussi tell har seh im a Managa up a Freezone factory..Nat a ting noh go soh.
Emperess Marsha: Seh wah?!! A Wendy a do man!..a how shi fi soh carless fi noh know seh Red Ants a garbage man..Not me a backside ..mi woulda radda marrid smaddy well sell Gleana dung a Down town Parade dan pick up garbage man.
QueenB: Yuh galang! A true yuh young..mi soon shrible up soh mi noh have not time a watch title.. anyday shi dump Red Ants mi a crape im up causse di laas 18 man dem mi did deh wid treat mi like rubbish an mi wouldn mine get a garbageman fi a change. Gal a woulda grab im an chain im ina di basement an lef im deh fi marinate til mi ketch a yaad
Alicia: Shhhhh di couple a come dis way …hush unu mout!
The bride and groom walked by waving at the cheering onlookers.. Red Ants dapping fist , Wendy High fiving as they made their way to the exit.
The couple entered an awaiting taxi and headed to the reception site with scores of people also leaving for the site.
THE RECEPTION:
===============
The reception was held on Bandido’s verandah. The verandah was bare.. No effort was made to decorate for the matrimonial occasion. The guest filed in the yard and the bride and groom were already seated on the verandah chairs covered with crucus bags. Renaissance Sound system was playing the latest cuts in the background. The Master of ceremonies took a mike from the DJ and spoke to the guests:
IslandMutt: Good evening people.. (he turned around to the DJ) ..Hey boss tun down di r**s music noh.. yuh noh si mi a talk..cho!..Yes Good evening people.. I know I am not alone when I say congratulations to Mista and Mistress Ants.. The ceremony was the funniest ting I ever si since mi si di Virgin Mary pan di back a mi granny bingo baggy. Well fus ting on di program is di toast, den di Couple fus dance, cutting of di cake, den unu can nyam ..den when unu done unu can shake unu foot an goh a unu yaad when unu feel like..Unu can memba all a dat? Good! ..cause mi naah come back up yah an seh nutten more fi di night…unu betta dan mi.
THE TOASTS
=============
Dulcimina: It gives me great pride an jay to witness dis marrige. Wendy a fambily, distant, distant, distant cousin an a warning Bredda Ants fi kip im feelers to imself cause fe we fambily no fraid fe mash ants, especially de red one dem- awoh. Caan seh mi neav warn yuh!
JudgeB: Ladies an gentlemans as di only Judge presiding ova dis wedding let me say a hearty congratulations to di newlyweds. It so good fi si 2 people in love but iteven sadda when mi really know seh dem soon come a mi courthouse fi get divorce. So Wendy when yuh ready fi a divorce call mi…I’ll be standing by. I res my case!
Mire: Wendy –mi have to give it to you…Yuh wedding was fantastic aldowe mi hav a heart gense yuh! Afta mi trow Bridal showa fi yuh, yuh noh neva have di desency fi mek mi bi one a yuh bridesmaid jus true yuh si mi belly fat up soh ..I neva know seh yuh heart soh evil..It noh matta mi dowe cause di bridesmaid frack dem feva siting outta circus. But anyway mi is a Christian ooman an mi doan carry feelings fi people so Gad Bless yuh an Red Ants *roll yeye*
Later that evening the guest lined up to get their food from the table laden with food. The lady serving the food was beckoning people to try her specialty:
Rashieda:Come and get you jerk Chicken! I made it myself ..It taste good yuh si!! Come people step up ..Jerk Chicken here!
Lawx: Ms Rashieda it look good fi true but . mi drink hat tea dis morning an scald aff di roof a mi mouth..mi caan even enjay likkle bikkle to rahtid
Rashieda: (licking her fingers) Yuh missing out pan a good ting misis ..step aside an mek odas come troo..**Jerk Chicken over here!!**
RoseD: But look how dat nassy ooman a use har finga tek up di chicken an a lick it off har finga..YUCK! Dis a good time fi mi goh pon diet ..shi goodly all jus done dig out har nose wid di same finga. Some people really have bad manas ..shi waan two b*tch lick!
Queen: If I tell yuh some stories a whe gwaan up a Jazz restaurant, yuh woulda neva nyam deh again... Mi glad Wendy neva mek har cook fi har wedding cause everytime mi nyam fram har mi have running belly.
Honeyface: Well nutten naah tap mi fram nyam tidey yuhnoh .. dis marning mi tek wash out jus fi mek space fi siyah food .. Wha no kill mi, wi fatten mi..Unu betta dan mi but mi well hungry..Lady give mi a plate a dat jerk chicken please.. wid some rice an peas, potato salad, one cornbread, some a di steam cabbage, pieca powk, one a dem carn deh, two slice a bread, an a bakkle a earated wata.
After dinner the crowd was live for some partying. The host had an announcement:
Bandido1: Airight people wi a go clear di Varandah di bashment fi start. Unu Membah fi look bakka de door fi de bashment rules. Mi nuh waan noh carousin an tearin up af de place; mi jus get a new paint jab an mi jus put in new tile.
Glamour E: woooooooie summady sey party?! Mi ready! Mi unda mi liqua an mi have mi bakkle a jancrow batty an 2 bokkle a rum cream .. Hey selecta run di ‘Lexxus’ fi me, mek mi show dem people in yah how fi do di Jerry springa an di LOY ….
Undercover Girl: (**dancing**) see mi yaaaaaaaahh.....mi hav two bokkle a aerated water an mi big spliff!!... BRAP BRAP!!! big chuuuuunnnnne Selecta!
Rasta_minded _One: Hole an deh ..smaddy show mi how di dance name di iceberg guh an di nex one name di cyclone, how yuh do dah one deh?? Unu show mi noh ..
BLOZ: (demonstrating the dance) .. all yuh do is gwaan like you a one iceberg and gwaan like one cyclone ..ben up yuh back an twis an tun ..wheel an spin again an rack 2 side.
Rasta_Minded: Yuh know what BLOZ? Mi wi gwaan do di Electric slide..Rasta noh mek outta elastic.
Soon after a roots guy started bubbling in the middle of the floor. A few women gathered around him cheering:
**GO PANNIE ..it’s your birthday..go Pannie..go Pannie**!!
Panman: (**tek off stud belt, draw dung pants, tun roun, draw dung baxa, whining whining**)
Jazz: (holding a $1 bill): TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!! Wooiiiiii ..ketch di likke batty!!
Panman.. go stan up on di table an work fi yuh money bway!! GO PANNIE – IT’S BIRTDAY!! Panman: Airight airght NO MORE!.. . unu ooman mussi tek mi fi freak! An who di R** tek sinting an lick mi? ..A hope a noh dat piss pat bway Red Ants yuhnoh.
RedAnts: Panman, a wha yu a really deal wid? Come again propa when yu a address mi an I beg yu lef out dat " likkle piss pat bway " bizness, cah mi nat even did deh 2 foot fram yuh ..yuh noh si di whole heapa ooman dem roun yuh..mek a mi yuh come step to?
Wendy: Come baby .. mine yuh loose yuh tempa an lick im dung …mi tired now mek wi goh home (*Yawn*)
With that said, the bride and groom were ready to leave and made their good-byes:
Wendy: Thank you all for coming to dis manumentrous occasion to celebrate di union of mi an Reddie .. wi gwine put up fi di night..Tanks to Bandi fi di loan of di Varandah.. all dowe di place noh tan good wi will sen yuh di deposit nex mont..Tanks to Ms Nuffness di bes dressmeka in di bizniz..tanks fi meking mi bridesmaid dem look fantabulous… To all di bad mine ooman dem weh did a chat mi, unu goh dead a bush!! Also want to sen a bi shot out to Pastor Cwee who neva tek im yeye affa mi breast fi one minute. Lawd RastaMinded when yuh a march mi dung di aisle yuh neva tap tep up pon mmi toe but tank yuh anyway. and to all of yuh lovely people..nuff love and goodnight.
All the Guest: BYEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
Queen: A whe yuh tink dem a goh fi dem honeymoon Lawx?
Lawx: Mi noh know but all mi know is it look like dem ina hurry fi goh someweh fi canstipate marriage tinite!
WEDDING DAY
==============
It was a sunny Saturday afternoon at 2:40 pm and the Boardlane Baptist church was packed filled with guest for the wedding of the Millennium. The bride’s maids (Jazz, Alpha, Guineppe, PinkeyLou )and grooms men (Bandido, RichD, Mr Mention, Jim Screech ) were standing outside the church door waiting for any sign of the couple who were running late.
Alpha: How comes Mr Ants an Ms Wendy doan reach here yet? Wi nuh waan no poppy show weddin enuh! AWOAH
The photographer Willdog2x was wiping sweat from his brow as the sun was percing through his bush jacket, making him hot and sweaty. The video operator Queen circled the church as it echoed with chatter as some grew agitated by the lateness of the couple:
Brownsugga: But what kind a wedding dis weh di bride and groom nuh show up all now fi di ceremony.. a bet seh dem ketch manny manny Wendy jooksing smaddy else... A have a bad feeling in di pit of mi stomach seh someting bad a go happen tideh yuh know
Indira: CHO! A onlge hope dem noh call off di wedding cause mi ina di mood fi some black cake…a bet seh a Red Ants fault .Dat bway chase frack tail like dem fowl yuh si a chase cockroach.
Jooks: Mi self only dehyah fi some black cake to misis .. RedAnts mussi get ketch wid im lang-time sweethart Chantel .. a wanda a what a gwaan sah?
DianP: A how much time Wendy shi a married now anyway?..mi marrid 23 yrs now an if fi mi husban eva lef mi mi naah marrid again a backside. Dis marrige ting a to much wok an di man dem too blastid hard fi train.
Jadine: Mi seh misis di loneliness can canfuse mi yuh si .. mi divorce fi 100 yrs now an one minute mi waan a marrid an di nex minute mi chage mi mine. Now mi tink if dat deh bush gal Wendy an can marrid, den dere is hope fi mi.
Joycie: Girl get yuhself a Rastaman..Mi meet a rasta an im tek one good look pon mi and mi tek one good look pon im buddy and di res is history.
Jooks: Yes Jadine dis is di season fi di JA buddy… get it while supplies last girl!
Sistagirl: True gal! Mi have fimi JA buddy puddung safe.. but unu noh tink Wendy shoulda sign a pre-nup before shi marrid dat bway?..When dem man lef yuh dem gi yuh hell yuhnoh..dem tek every striking ting fram yuh an lef yuh fi mine di pickney dem
Nyks: No sah! Fus to begin none a dem noh have a dam ting to dem name. Wendy nat even live noh weh good. People mek money run dem life to much ..all dem need love ina dem heart.
Brownsugga: (changing the subject) All unu a chat ..look ova dehsoh pon di one Annie Palmer mi waan fi know a weh shi a goh wid di whole bungle a weave weh wrap round har head wid di tracks dem showing, den look how har batty cock up noh ..what a ugly site dat man.
A man sitting behind the ladies was irritated by the chit chatter from the women:
Islandmutt: Hey, unu caan tek time? ..how unu ooman so malicious wid di gassiping soh…All unu a do is siddung yah a rejoice ina di people dem misery..cho! and by di way, Wendy a breed fi smaddyelse ..but unu neva hear dat fram mi.
Jadine: Wait!.. a soh mi hear to yuh noh Mutty .. Shi a marrid man whe shi nat even know.. Bway it look like ANTS a get JACKET!
Ivory: Lissen noh ..unu tap it!! A dem gassip gassip ting yah wreck marriages, ruin people reputatian, causes heartache, nightmare and indegestian…unu too r** wicked an bad.. If unu know seh dem sinting deh noh true unu SHUT UP!
Marcia: Shhhh!!! Please tone down the language and obey the Church rules. Show some reverence or I may have to end this discussion this minute.
Ivory: Sarry yuh hear Marcia.. yuh know how it goh arredi when dem people yah piss yuh off.
Meanwhile Sista Beluved stood by the church door greeting and ushering the other guests in. A tall gentleman looking confused walked over to her and said:
Wahalla :Aftanoon Mada…. Mi deh pon di VIP lis an mi tink mi betren Red Ants seh mi fi siddung a di front seat so mi can get a full size view.
Beluved: There is no such seating arrangement sar .,. if yuh is here fi di groom den yuh fi siddung pon di lef side an katch anyway yuh can fine a space.
Wahalla: Lady a how yuh a gwaan so man ..yuh mean dere is no perturbation an perks fi mi since mi is a yaadi?.. big big VIP like mi noh siddung ina back row..
Beluved: Well yu a di bigges VIP ediat mi eva buck up pon ..Masa almost everybady inya is Jamaican incase yuh neva know .. how yuh fi so brite an waan special treatment cause yuh a yaadi..tek di program fram mi an galang goh katch yuh batty pon wan empty seat roun a back….bout VIP!
Wahalla hissed and walked away looking around for a seat. He spotted an empty space beside and made his way in the direction.
Wahalla: Anybady a siddung yahso betren?
Capleton: Yes baas… King Selasi-i seatet by my side 24 x 7 yuh noh seeit…but Selasi-i naah goh mek di wedden so yuh can hole di seat mi betren
Wahalla: (looking confused as he stuttered) Se-se-lassie?? No offense dread but dem bury Emperor Haile Selassie fram 1975! Yuh waan tell mi seh duppy faalla yuh 24x7?!!
Capleton: (Seemingly angry he snapped at Wahalla) YOW YOW YOW... UNNU CUT OUT DI CONSPIRACY....JAH LIVETH!...I FEEL HIM IN MI SOUL. RASTAFARI Bun FIYA fI all who say JAH dead an tun duppy...bunnn fiyyyaaa fi all bald head who no love rasta.. bun out sodoma an dem evil conception.. Some a unnu feel say since a man believe a certain ting im a eeeediaaat....who? RED HOOOOOOTT FYHA pon yuh bald head bway!
A man seated beside them dressed in African robes wearing a ring in his nose and a dog leash around his neck turned to the Rasta and said:
Aimee: My brother your master of who you uplift exhibited menace to the Ebonite tribe of Amani in the day of Zenith.. I conclude with the words of Rheziku "Selassi his imperial Majesty was a son off b*tch for raping my people on Mount Mayita.
Capleton: A whe di bum-bum ***** yuh a come fram wid yuh tribes of Ebonites??!...I man is a rasta from di tribe of Ruben! Yuh know bout Ruben?! Well im wasn’t a r**s Ebonite! Your evilous chat a disrespec man like Ras Pinkey, Bobo Skanky and Ras Pampidoo fram di 12 Tribe of Israel… No mek mi get ignorant ina di people dem church yuh hear rasta ..,Bun fyan pon yuh yuh an yu Amani babylonians!
The people sitting in the area were all alarmed by the noise and the uproar that the rasta was stirring.
Lawx: Bwoy, me nuh know how me so bad luckied. Fuss it was a 'tinking mout gal and now me have one chatterbox a siddung beside mi. What a Rastaman can chat like im feed pon fowl batty!! It would be bad and not so bad if weh im a seh mek any blastid sense! Cho Rahtid man!
Slick: Some people chat too much fi true…dem betta noh mek mi muscle up di strent fi tell dem shut dem trap an have mannas! (frowning his nose) Some a dem people yah nat even smell so good.. A mussi one dege dege basin a wata dem bade ina dis marning.
Ja-kid: (smelling his under arm) Sorry boss a mus mi smell soh..usually mi bade dung a riva side but di sun neva come out dis marning fi warm up di wata…dat deh riva wata soh cole dat yuh tan all 2 mile an hear mi a scream like smaddy a commit murda! Nat evan mi foot battam mi coulda wash before mi come a di weddin.
Suddenly the groom came running into the church tore up from the floor up. He appeared to have been in a dogfight. His pant crotch was torn and hanging. His hair uncombed and filled with sand. His shoes were barely on his feet as he limped his way to the front.
RedAnts: Mi aplalagize fi come soh late people..but unu noh waan know what happen to mi ..smaddy try fi kill mi an dem kill mi daag an puss an den bun dung mi house..one lang story..but mi is here now an Wendy soon come.
Shortly after the bride showed up in a JUTA Taxi and her give a way escorted her out of the taxi:
Rasta_Mined one: Wendy yuh late noh backside..Antise im jus reach yah to..yuh sure seh yuh waan marrid dat likle Ants bway.. Mi si im dis marning wid di ol dutty gyal Chantel yuh noh.
Wendy: RastaMinded, mi noh waan hear nutten bout noh Chantel. Mi marriding tideh cause dis is di laas an final time mi a goh troo dis ting. Im is di one ..dem oda 14 husban neva wot nutten.
When all was set, the bridal party marched through the aisle waving and winking at the admiring guests.. Alpha tried hard to control her knees from knocking but to no avail. You could hear the cracking of her knees sounding over the march song. When the bridal party was in place the Pastor signaled the bride was ready to march in. The piano sounded and the guests rose to their feet.
Rasta_Minded: Airight Wendy yuh ready?..Lef foot fus..NOH DAT LEF ..di oda one!
Wendy: tek time wid mi noh man! Cho!..airght mi ready
As the bride and the give away marched down the isle the guest were in whispers as they look on:
Jeanie1: What a gal head tan bad…A dat PinkeyLou do wid Wendy head?..Bugga! If dem di mek mi do har hair as a hexperience butishan and barbaz shi woulda look more beautifishious fi har wedding . Har dam head feva like seh fowl did a scratch out di front fi fine place fi lay egg!
Nuffness: Shhh!! Tap yuh nize noh gal! Neva mine har head ..Pinkey neva do a bad job. Pinkey have a Bachelas in hair creming.. ..is jus dat Wendy head tough an it noh tek crème good
Jeanie1: Well di special tanic mi use ina my crème coulda tendarize dat tough head betta dan dat..
Ensomgirl: A tru Jeanie, it did betta shi did come a my hairdressa..dat ooman do hair good an all yuh havi do is tip har wid a 3pc from Popeye's. Shi woulda all touch up har roots dem an sprinkle likkle bit a silva glitta ina har head mek shi look like smaddy.
Nuffness: Lissen to mi Ensom .. shet yuh mout an noh baady come spoil up mi bizniz..atleast mi private haridressa neva bun up Wendy farrid like how dem bun up fi yuh!
EnsomGirl: Den a who sew dat deh frack deh….afta it noh tan good.
Nuffness: How yuh mean?? Dat come straight from my Bootique line.. dat a di latest Lick name Eggsup An Brite.. All Rasta_Minded a wear some "Lego Mi Balls" pants..Yuh noh si how dem look trash an ready!!
Blessed: Dem look like trash fi true ..mi noh know bout di ready part! Mi caan believe a dat yuh a pay PiunkyeLou $67,000 a yr fah..mite as well yuh did gi mi di likkle wok cause mi atleast mi can hem straight.
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As soon as the bride was given away, Red Ants took the hands of his bride to be and the faced the pastor. The Pastor spoke out to the congregation:
Cwee: Massive and Crew wi a run late so mi naah goh talk to much so right about now please put you hands together for our Soloist who shall sing an inspirational sang fi open up di ceremony..CLAP HAR!! (**audience clapped**)
Msbens: Thank you. **clear throat** Dis one reaching out di mi sistren Wendy..watch dis!
shi shi, shi have di Ants ina har baggie-gigie
Shi shi, mine im bite yuh wid it
shi shi, si shi have di Ants ina har baggie-gigie
Shi shi, mine im bite yuh wid it
Shi use to gi it to rude bway Bankie
But im ketch sinting an Dacta caan cure ee
While singing, the Maid of honor Jazz was boggling and the guest were on their feet bubbling and some had their lighters in theair. The pastor was in the background shouting: “A BIG CHUNE!! MORE FYAH!”.. When Msbens was done, she received a resounding applause as she made her way back to her seat.
]Cwee: Dat was a wicked selction..fi real! Anyway, Breddas, Sisters, rollin calfs, gingy flies, ants, dogs and pusses. Ti-day is a very special day (hallelujah). Praises be to di Loooooord because on this day (hallelujah), mi say on this day, we will be preparing to witness the holy matrimony of two a wi own. (Tenk yuh Puppa Jeesas). Tidey dis Tyrant gal gwine get married to di Insect bwoy. (Can I get a Amen!) Nothing, mi say nothing in dis world of iniquity can stand in the way of dese two love birds as dem prepare fi lizard lap dem one aneda (Tenk yuh Jeesas, mi say, "mo’ fyah"...uhhm I mean "praise di Lord"). If anybody in here know anything that can prevent dese two from copulating...please sey it now an tek all di time in di worl cause dem a pay mi by di hour!(hallelujah)
Jeanie1: Yes pastor mi have something to seh.. (the crowd gasped in surpise) ..Onnu jus betta tap disyah pappy show right now caws henny baddi ago marrid to Antsie a mi!!!! IMAGINE mi tun mi back fi 2 minutes an Miss Wendy a come marrid off mi man. Naw sah NUTTEN NAH GOH SOH!!!
Bandido1: YES JEANIE! Dem mussi tek wi fi eediat! All de pramises weh dis dry foot gyal mek, nung she ah tawk bout marrid to Red Ants! Well mek mi tell oonu sinting NAT A WARRA-WARRA WEDD'N MAW GWAAN AS LANG AS MI LIVIN!!!
Cwee: Hey wait a minute now Miss Lady have a seat, yuh broad hat blocking di view of di people in di back ..objection ova ruled!!.. an Mista Bess Man, how yuh a behave like a likkle fassey soh? (Lord figiveth me) True di girl gi yuh a one slap an shi neva like it yuh tun sour puss? Well di wedding a gwan tidey yuh noh baas.. yuh si like how I man gamble out every penny to mi name mi a get my money wort outta dis..BTW, yours truly is asking di cangregation to please mek out yuh church building fund donation checks to Cee dash Wee Incorporated Unlimited
Alpha: But si yah ..a wedding dis or church a convention? Disyah a church dun buil fram 1967.. nat a ting lef fi buil pon it..yuh tink wi a ediat noh
Cwee: Sista please spoke when you are speaken to.. Yuh andastan standard patwa? ..Good! Now hush yuh mout an hole di bouquet an mne yuh mek di flowas dem drop out a grung
Jazz: (Whispers in Wendy’s ears) Lawd Wendy – disyah pastor a mad man to fart… yuh couldn fine sumbaddy else fe marrid yuh. All im good fah ah fe look up unda de sista dem fracks..an look how im a stare dung ina dem ti-ti!
Wendy:(whispers back) A di bes mi coulda do.. di res a pastor dem deh a jail fi children molestatian
Out of nowhere a foul odor seeped into the air from where the bridal party stood.
Guineppe: (covering her nose)A who poop man ?!
PinkeyLou: Sarry! .. di pill dem weh Dacta gi mi have some side-effect.. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif[/img]
Cwee: Good Lowd! ..(talking to the guests) For those who don’t know what going on up here..Pinkylou jus poop! Unu bless di Lowd seh unu dung deh so …MASSI JESAS!
RedAnts: Lawd a mercy can wi get back to wi wedding PLEASE!.. mi ready fi seh mi vows before dem people yah tek jealousy an mash up mi weddin!
Cwee: Rasta noh bawl offa a man of God like dat again before a bax yuh wid mi 2 by 4 ..,have paychence!.. As I was saying.. Lord you are our Rock (can di congregation say amen!), Lord tenk yuh fi di pretty girl dem yuh have siddung in a di front row! I wanna give a shout out to my dog Pastor Willie of di 3rd Circuit and my home-Rev Deacon Charlie from di 2nd Baptist. Hol' tight deacon cause yuh know yuh is di choir girl dem sugar (tenk yuh Jeesas). Please to exchange yuh vows dem..an talk loud soh di harda earring people a back can hear yuh.
RedAnts: (turning to Wendy) Darling, I promise to love an honor you all the days of my live. I promise to full up yuh belly wid plenty Ants. I promise to bi yuh Quincie cah mi nah dun di wok till mi do autapsie pan yuh baxside fe mi hevidence.I promise fe tek care a yuh hargasum as lang as yuh tek care a fi mi... I promise not to snore like a fog horn an kip yuh up all night lang. Dese tings I promise to you mi suga plumps. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]
Wendy: (Turning to Red Ants): Puttus, I promise to love an obey yuh an not to fake Orgasm. If mi not in di mood I will pramise dat if yuh noh know weh yuh a do mi go tell yuh to yuh face weda yuh like it ar nat. I promise to tell daddy fi stap fyha shat afta yuh. I promise dat if yuh neva eva want to watch ‘Soul Food’, wi will go si ‘Big Mamas House’ instead. Dese tings I promise to you mi stamina daddy. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]
Cwee: Aright..lovely,lovely vows ..RedAnts yuh can tongue dung di bride now
The bride and groom kissed as the guest cheered and clapped.
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Jooks: (holding back the tears) Love, Love, aaahhh Love..I memba dat good ole feeling.. Yuh heart beating madly, your stomach's filled with butterflies, your hands are clammy, your mouth is dry, and yuh tink yuh gwine faint.. oh it is so good to see love praspa.
Honeyface: Love praspa mi back foot..Jooks what yuh doan know is dat deh marrige naah laas paas tomorrow.
Alicia: How yuh fi seh dat Honeyface.. dem is di 2 most lovilishious couple mi eva si
Honeyface: (giggling) Hey heya! Yuh jus wait til shi fine out seh im a garbageman.. shi gwine dump im like stale meat! Dat deh gal tell mi seh shi naah pick up noh baddy whe pick up garbage a roadside ..RedAnts mussi tell har seh im a Managa up a Freezone factory..Nat a ting noh go soh.
Emperess Marsha: Seh wah?!! A Wendy a do man!..a how shi fi soh carless fi noh know seh Red Ants a garbage man..Not me a backside ..mi woulda radda marrid smaddy well sell Gleana dung a Down town Parade dan pick up garbage man.
QueenB: Yuh galang! A true yuh young..mi soon shrible up soh mi noh have not time a watch title.. anyday shi dump Red Ants mi a crape im up causse di laas 18 man dem mi did deh wid treat mi like rubbish an mi wouldn mine get a garbageman fi a change. Gal a woulda grab im an chain im ina di basement an lef im deh fi marinate til mi ketch a yaad
Alicia: Shhhhh di couple a come dis way …hush unu mout!
The bride and groom walked by waving at the cheering onlookers.. Red Ants dapping fist , Wendy High fiving as they made their way to the exit.
The couple entered an awaiting taxi and headed to the reception site with scores of people also leaving for the site.
THE RECEPTION:
===============
The reception was held on Bandido’s verandah. The verandah was bare.. No effort was made to decorate for the matrimonial occasion. The guest filed in the yard and the bride and groom were already seated on the verandah chairs covered with crucus bags. Renaissance Sound system was playing the latest cuts in the background. The Master of ceremonies took a mike from the DJ and spoke to the guests:
IslandMutt: Good evening people.. (he turned around to the DJ) ..Hey boss tun down di r**s music noh.. yuh noh si mi a talk..cho!..Yes Good evening people.. I know I am not alone when I say congratulations to Mista and Mistress Ants.. The ceremony was the funniest ting I ever si since mi si di Virgin Mary pan di back a mi granny bingo baggy. Well fus ting on di program is di toast, den di Couple fus dance, cutting of di cake, den unu can nyam ..den when unu done unu can shake unu foot an goh a unu yaad when unu feel like..Unu can memba all a dat? Good! ..cause mi naah come back up yah an seh nutten more fi di night…unu betta dan mi.
THE TOASTS
=============
Dulcimina: It gives me great pride an jay to witness dis marrige. Wendy a fambily, distant, distant, distant cousin an a warning Bredda Ants fi kip im feelers to imself cause fe we fambily no fraid fe mash ants, especially de red one dem- awoh. Caan seh mi neav warn yuh!
JudgeB: Ladies an gentlemans as di only Judge presiding ova dis wedding let me say a hearty congratulations to di newlyweds. It so good fi si 2 people in love but iteven sadda when mi really know seh dem soon come a mi courthouse fi get divorce. So Wendy when yuh ready fi a divorce call mi…I’ll be standing by. I res my case!
Mire: Wendy –mi have to give it to you…Yuh wedding was fantastic aldowe mi hav a heart gense yuh! Afta mi trow Bridal showa fi yuh, yuh noh neva have di desency fi mek mi bi one a yuh bridesmaid jus true yuh si mi belly fat up soh ..I neva know seh yuh heart soh evil..It noh matta mi dowe cause di bridesmaid frack dem feva siting outta circus. But anyway mi is a Christian ooman an mi doan carry feelings fi people so Gad Bless yuh an Red Ants *roll yeye*
Later that evening the guest lined up to get their food from the table laden with food. The lady serving the food was beckoning people to try her specialty:
Rashieda:Come and get you jerk Chicken! I made it myself ..It taste good yuh si!! Come people step up ..Jerk Chicken here!
Lawx: Ms Rashieda it look good fi true but . mi drink hat tea dis morning an scald aff di roof a mi mouth..mi caan even enjay likkle bikkle to rahtid
Rashieda: (licking her fingers) Yuh missing out pan a good ting misis ..step aside an mek odas come troo..**Jerk Chicken over here!!**
RoseD: But look how dat nassy ooman a use har finga tek up di chicken an a lick it off har finga..YUCK! Dis a good time fi mi goh pon diet ..shi goodly all jus done dig out har nose wid di same finga. Some people really have bad manas ..shi waan two b*tch lick!
Queen: If I tell yuh some stories a whe gwaan up a Jazz restaurant, yuh woulda neva nyam deh again... Mi glad Wendy neva mek har cook fi har wedding cause everytime mi nyam fram har mi have running belly.
Honeyface: Well nutten naah tap mi fram nyam tidey yuhnoh .. dis marning mi tek wash out jus fi mek space fi siyah food .. Wha no kill mi, wi fatten mi..Unu betta dan mi but mi well hungry..Lady give mi a plate a dat jerk chicken please.. wid some rice an peas, potato salad, one cornbread, some a di steam cabbage, pieca powk, one a dem carn deh, two slice a bread, an a bakkle a earated wata.
After dinner the crowd was live for some partying. The host had an announcement:
Bandido1: Airight people wi a go clear di Varandah di bashment fi start. Unu Membah fi look bakka de door fi de bashment rules. Mi nuh waan noh carousin an tearin up af de place; mi jus get a new paint jab an mi jus put in new tile.
Glamour E: woooooooie summady sey party?! Mi ready! Mi unda mi liqua an mi have mi bakkle a jancrow batty an 2 bokkle a rum cream .. Hey selecta run di ‘Lexxus’ fi me, mek mi show dem people in yah how fi do di Jerry springa an di LOY ….
Undercover Girl: (**dancing**) see mi yaaaaaaaahh.....mi hav two bokkle a aerated water an mi big spliff!!... BRAP BRAP!!! big chuuuuunnnnne Selecta!
Rasta_minded _One: Hole an deh ..smaddy show mi how di dance name di iceberg guh an di nex one name di cyclone, how yuh do dah one deh?? Unu show mi noh ..
BLOZ: (demonstrating the dance) .. all yuh do is gwaan like you a one iceberg and gwaan like one cyclone ..ben up yuh back an twis an tun ..wheel an spin again an rack 2 side.
Rasta_Minded: Yuh know what BLOZ? Mi wi gwaan do di Electric slide..Rasta noh mek outta elastic.
Soon after a roots guy started bubbling in the middle of the floor. A few women gathered around him cheering:
**GO PANNIE ..it’s your birthday..go Pannie..go Pannie**!!
Panman: (**tek off stud belt, draw dung pants, tun roun, draw dung baxa, whining whining**)
Jazz: (holding a $1 bill): TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!! Wooiiiiii ..ketch di likke batty!!
Panman.. go stan up on di table an work fi yuh money bway!! GO PANNIE – IT’S BIRTDAY!! Panman: Airight airght NO MORE!.. . unu ooman mussi tek mi fi freak! An who di R** tek sinting an lick mi? ..A hope a noh dat piss pat bway Red Ants yuhnoh.
RedAnts: Panman, a wha yu a really deal wid? Come again propa when yu a address mi an I beg yu lef out dat " likkle piss pat bway " bizness, cah mi nat even did deh 2 foot fram yuh ..yuh noh si di whole heapa ooman dem roun yuh..mek a mi yuh come step to?
Wendy: Come baby .. mine yuh loose yuh tempa an lick im dung …mi tired now mek wi goh home (*Yawn*)
With that said, the bride and groom were ready to leave and made their good-byes:
Wendy: Thank you all for coming to dis manumentrous occasion to celebrate di union of mi an Reddie .. wi gwine put up fi di night..Tanks to Bandi fi di loan of di Varandah.. all dowe di place noh tan good wi will sen yuh di deposit nex mont..Tanks to Ms Nuffness di bes dressmeka in di bizniz..tanks fi meking mi bridesmaid dem look fantabulous… To all di bad mine ooman dem weh did a chat mi, unu goh dead a bush!! Also want to sen a bi shot out to Pastor Cwee who neva tek im yeye affa mi breast fi one minute. Lawd RastaMinded when yuh a march mi dung di aisle yuh neva tap tep up pon mmi toe but tank yuh anyway. and to all of yuh lovely people..nuff love and goodnight.
All the Guest: BYEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
Queen: A whe yuh tink dem a goh fi dem honeymoon Lawx?
Lawx: Mi noh know but all mi know is it look like dem ina hurry fi goh someweh fi canstipate marriage tinite!