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Hi all.. welcome to this week’s Suss report.. I must admit I kinda rushed this one but I hope it is good enough. As promised, because Alpha came up with the theme, she is the main character of the story. She is the Matriarch of the family that planned the reunion. Please enjoy and as usual,doan tek tings personal
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The sweet smelling aroma from the big zinc pots bubbling with food escaped into the clouds . This was the day planned for the Twisupdrawz family Re-union at 4567 Maddix Lane . The turn out was expected to be large- with family members and relatives coming from all over the United States, Jamaica and England. Outside the yard a few members of the Twisupdrawz family was busy cooking, preparing the outdoors, and talking amongst themselves:
Alpha: Woyee dis is going to be a big, big and joyous day. Mi caan wait fi si all a mi fambily dem.. Mi waan fi si who a breed, who get lef an whoofa pickney noh come aff to a dam ting…
Jadine: (stirring the Pot) Yes sah.. Auntie Alpha dis bashment ago sweet..4 more hours to go! Mi caan wait. Mi glad seh yuh decide fi have dis reunion Alpha ..But yuh sure yuh waan bring all di warbout dem tigeda unda one roof? Misis tek it fram mi , a some mad people dem yuhnoh
Alpha: Jadine mi know how dem love war but all day lang mi a siddung a yard an a read book soh til mi tun room colour. Lickle drama woulda do mi some good yah now. ..soh mek dem come..
Jadine: Mi seh di fambily get big to bloodcup.. when dem come yah mi naah goh know who is who cause everybady suppose to tun big man an ooman now
Alpha: If di family big! ..Woyyeee wi have all sarta nega ina di family now....brown-skin coolie, dark-skin coolie, red-kin nayga, half-white nayga an one bungle a chiney!
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It was 4:30 in the evening and the cars began to pull up infront of the big yard.
Alpha: (running excitedly towards the group) Woyeee look pan mi fambily dem! Look pan Mire! Misis cuh pan yuh belly! It look like some a yuh belly all a grow roun a yuh back– a how yuh behine so big?.. come gi mi a hug mi dawling
Mire: Ohhh Granny Alpha yuh noh easy, so glad fi si yuh.. Watch di belly ..no squeeze mi too tight. ((Alpha&Mire)))
Alpha: Oh Look pon mi daughta Rashieda. Baby how yuh fearing love ..yuh neva did get ova yuh faada deat eeh? Yuh nat even call mi
Rashieda: Hello Mama ..mi airght.. a neva daddy deat mek mi neva call yuh .. mi was kinda upset when yuh call mi pan mi jab an notify mi seh Daddy ovadose pan Viagra pill an drap dead. Yuh coulda wait til mi ketch a yaad fi notify mi! A noh every bady can hangle dem deh kina news a wok. Mi seh a was so upset! A whe im did a do a tek Viagra anyway – a ole shribble up 75 yr ole man lika dat
Reggae Ebony: Lawks Rashieda – yuh too dam pwial fi a big ooman man .. Mi shame fi call yuh mi sista .. Memba when big Sista KLH did tell wi seh har husban di drap dead two yrs afta di fac…Now dat was sheg up! Dam gal mek mi miss di wake an mi neva get fi nyam likkle manish wata and goat soup. ..Atleast Mama did tell wi when pappa dead so wi coulda get fi goh a im wake fi get likkle bickle, leave mama a lone..Good to see you again Mama..
Alpha: You too dawling.. Well Hello Wendy..whappen mi favorite niece? ..mi si seh yuh head still tough an yuh foot dem still maaga. Whe yuh Red husban deh?
Wendy: Mi head noh dat tough no more man ..yuh too tan bad Auntie Alpha.. Yuh no si seh it a tek di crème betta now.. Mi husban ina di car backa mi.. im soon come - but dis is mi bwayfren.. seh hello to mi Auntie noh honey bump..
[b]Capleton: [b] Greetings Madda.. Di name is Capleton, Redbutt Agustus,Vagisimon,Rectumatic,FullerShyttt III.. Rasta is humbled to bi amongst your presence. MORE FHAH!
Alpha: (holding here chest from the fright) Mista a hope yuh noh have noh intentian fi come bun dung mi place yuhnoh.. Nice to meet yuh anyway…dat is some interesting name mi son ..Well my name is jus Alpha IgataTwisupdrawz. ..yuh can jus call mi anyting yuh waan yuh hear dawling
Capleton: Mi seh mi love di laas name Twizupdrawz yuh si ..it soun like dem nice Eteopian name – Jah know.. Mi a dead fi Wendy lef har Husban so when wi married shi wi tek on mi name. Den shi will bi my Wendy Anhar FullerShytt-Twisupdrawz..
Alpha: Den who is dis lady dat resemble yuh soh Mista FullerShytt?
Thirdeye: Oh Me??..Well, mi is Capleton sista Ms Alpha..di name is TirdYeye One-eyena FullerShytt. Respect! Noh pay mi gold teet dem wid di King of Clubs, Diamonds an di Spades and Hearts noh mine…
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The family kept pouring in. All greeted each other with tears and hugs. They continue to catch up with each other.
Jadine: So Miss Hottie Hot, how yuh doing Ms ting? Mi hear seh yuha big time barrista upa District court.... Yuh mek mi heart proud so til
Hottie Hot: Well Auntie Jadine, mi nat up a di court house again yuh noh.. mi gi dem mi tirty days notice an lef di wok .. Mi get aneda offa weh pay likkle bit more dan di trupance dem dida pay mi fi defen di ole criminal dem.
Jadine: But stap ..yuh a gwaan wid tings.. Hearty congrats mi love ..so whe yuh tek dis new jab?
Hottie Hot: Well..well ..uuhmmm.. mi work kina private Auntie Jadine
Jadine: Oh bless yuh heart ..shi going into Private practice. Good fi yuh mi love!
Jazz: Hey heya! Woooo ..mi naah seh nutten ..woooo …aaah sah!!
BLOZ: A wha Jazz .. whe yuh a hole back fram wi? Talk man!
(Hottie Hot gave Jazz a hard and threatening stare)
Jazz: (continued looking away) Nutten sah .. is jus dat dey jab whe Cousin Hottie shi a do is far fram private! Hottie tell mi seh shi a de star attraction dung ah CLUB ROLEX club a show all har privates .. Shi claims di money fatta dats why shi resign fram di likkle lawyer wuk!
BLOZ: But kiss mi Blood cup! Suh Hottie Hott, a desso yuh deh a nite time...a club Rolex pon 79 St? *DWL*
Hottie Hott: Unu can gwaan run up unu mout an kin unu teet ..Auntie Jadine is a living mi a try mek yuh hear.. mi naah mek dem bad mine people pwail up mi mood cause mi happy as a lark!
Mire: A mek yuh soh happy misis.. yuh dis come fram di teilet?
Bandido1: LOL,, No Mire, it look like shi jus dun roll up ina some dry grass
Lawx: (spinning her husband towards her) Bandido explain dis to mi, why on Gad’s eart when people seh dem happy as a lark yuh mus always assume seh dem a roll ina grass?
Bandido: Wha yuh mean by assume? Yuh noh si di whole heap a grass blade weh hitch up pan har skirt an ina har head?
Churchgirl: Bandido!! Law mi gash. Wha wrang wid yuh? Lef di ooman alone! Come here yuh hear Hattie mek mi brush aff yuh head.. Bandido, yuh a mi bredda but yuh too tan bad..LOL
Alpha: Unu noh easy ..unu gwaan roun a back.. everyting set up roun deh fi unu fi nyam an chat..
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Soon after a sound from a car muffler loud enough to wake a dead man caused everyone to pause and look around. A thick black smoke followed the beat up vehicle. Everyone turned in the direction of the sound to see who had just arrived. A tall slender young man emerged from the car.
Wendy: Kiss mi nose bridge! A who dat? No ..noh tell mi seh a… A LIE! Jesas savior di prodigal son has returned..KINGMAN!- a yuh dat?
Alpha: Yes to reekus !! – a Kingman fi troot. Chile come gi yuh Granny a hug..mi miss yuh so til (((Kingy)) .lang fi si yuh bway So how yuh keeping mi granson? Yuh still a burlga people house?
Kingman: lol. No granny Alpha.. Mi doan do dem tings deh no more. lol man is big man now lol
Mire: So what yuh doing wid yuhself now Kingman? Come ova yah so come siddung beside yuh cousin in law an tell mi what a gwaan?
Kingman: lol Whazup cousin Mire, yuh waan si mi get a Assistant Managa jab a dung a di General Discustian community centa.
Mire: But stap! Yuh a tun big man ..den weh yuh do dung a di community centa Kingman?
Kingman: Part a di jab a some online doings yuhnoh.. Mi also manage di Centa an sen di sketel ooman dem fi get counsilling dung a di DearK branch affice cause nuff a dem waan come blabba dem man “ish” ina big man affice.
Mire: So yuh tun big shat pan mi..yuh like di jab ar yuh ago back goh tun criminal ?
Kingman: **kiss teet** Di jab rough noh blood kekkle cause di ooman dem stubban like dem ole mule. Di odda day mi did haffi race up one new employee name Crystal89. Afta mi tell di big mout gal fi carry har trash dung a di DearK affice shi come tell fi shut up mi clappas an mine mi bizniz.. A gi har one claaat ina lef yeye yuhsi, swell it up big so!..Mi sarry but di gayl did too renk man.
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They all laughed at Kingman’s recount of his fight. The laughter grew louder when someone heard a ringing..
KLH: Shhhh!! Unu hear di phone a ring? .. Yes a di phone ..Jazz tek yuh lazy no cooking *** an go ansa di phone noh.. an when yuh come back bring mi cambra whe mi lef ina di setee.
Jazz: But si yah KLH! Whe yuh noh lef mi alone?! **kiss teet** **cut yeye**. (Jazz ran inside and picks up the cordless) Halluee -Twizupdrawz residence
Wahalla: Jazz? Is dat yuh?!
Jazz: Yes mi sweet biscuit?! When yuh coming?
Wahalla: (sounding down) Something come up ..where is Mama Alpha?
Jazz: Mi sweet Cassava, is what do yuh? Mama Alpha outside wid di res a family.. what yuh mean somting come up?
Wahalla: Mi caan mek di reuinon mi electric bulb.. mi park mi car a one café right crass fram Jackie yaad an smaddy teif mi car tire! Mi caan move a inch fram yahso..Mi Engine a wok put nat a wheel fi carry mi ova deh!
Jazz: Jezam crimum ..what a Autoclasp! Wheh yuh a go do now Wahalla? Yuh know a who do it?
Wahalla: Between mi an yuh mi mine tell mi seh a smaddy a dat yaad fault why mi car tyre missin.. Teifing Red Ants ova deh?
Jazz: Yes im deyha wid plenty ada teifing smaddy.. yuh tink a im tek it?
Wahalla: A coulda any one a dem dutty nega deh..but mi car neva park too far fram which part Red Ants live… anyway, jus tell mama Alpha mi sarry mi caan mek it .. an mi seh mi did a look farward fi si yuh likkle Breadfruit batty yuh si…cho!
Jazz: Airight lata Wahalla..no mine yuh hear.. mi wi nyam a plate a food fi yuh.. By babes! (she hangs up)
Britisha: A who dat Jazz?
Jazz: A Wahalla..im seh im caan mek it cause smaddy teif im car tyre an lef im wid so-so hubcap. I tink is a conspiracy concocted by di FBI, CIA, JBC, ar ada people known as KLH an BLOZ .. It’s a dam shame.. FYAH BUN!
Jackie: (waving her hand) HESCUSE MI! Before unu start..di fac dat mi own a tyre shop does not mean I are incriminated in de leas!!! awoah... Personally, mi tink sey a coulda anybady weh siddung yah so cause a pure cris tire mi si pan unu car outta road deh
Red Ants: Mi kina suspec yuh enoh Jackie cuse a yuh fuss ansa! Yu gilty to rah. Unu si seh a shi fus reach yah .. How yuh get yah so quick?! Mi mine tell mi seh a di man new wheels yuh hav pan yuh car cause fi yuh tyah dem always bald like mi head tap!
Jackie: Maas Red Ants, GWEY!!! Mi noh waan Wahalla wuklis Firestone tyha pan mi car. .Chat bout! **cut yeye**
Britisha: Oh Oh.. People wicked an teif sah! Mi really sarry fi hear dem tief Wahalla tire. I personally tink seh a certain smaddy fram dung a Flarida teif it. Dem have di man tyre a hide up ina di bushes.
Islandmutt: Hey Mine how unu a talk bout certan smaddy fram Flaridah.. Ah nuh me! Mi noh know nutten bout teif car tyre ..mi nat even know how fi pick car lack to rahtid.. di only ting mi know fi pick a mi nose hole ..an a dat mi did a do all dam day tideh before mi come yah..
ThirdEye: An all now mi no si yuh wash yuh han dem an yuh have yuh finga all ova Ms Alpha food!!.. Nastiness!!! MORE FYAH!
Alpha: Ms Tirdy eye please leave mi nephew alone a stick to di tapic .. nobaddy naah talk bout di food now ..wi waan know a who teif di tyah..
Blessed: But wait a noh one Lada Wahalla drive? Den yuh mean dem still a sell car tyre fi Lada... If a mi like im mi glad seh dem teif mi car tyre cause mi noh know a wha di blood seed dat im a drive. **kiss teet**
Rasta_Minded: (hanging his head down) AIRIGHT! Airight.. Mi ave a canfeshan....A mi tek Wahalla tyre... Mi Sorry but ah Wendy tell mi fi do it, She claim seh shi buy one ‘Datsun’ an only tree nomo wheel pan it. Shi did pramise mi a piece if mi get har a new trye fi put pan di car… BTW Wendy, memba seh yuh owe mi a piece sed way – oh!
Wendy: eeh eeh! Tan deh wait fah..
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Suddenly there was an interruption from someone coming from the direction of the bushes:
Ja-kid: Hey hey! One minute deh! Hole di argument..mi jus a come fram di back an something smell fishy in di BUSHES !! A wha dead ova deh?
Hottie Hot: Yuh to Ja-kid.. somting indeh smell fishy fi troo. Smell like dead daag…Ms Alpha, yuh sure nutten noh dead ova deh?
Someone raised their hand and said something holding her hand over her face:
Honeyface: A mi jump ova di fence an leggo a load a do-do... di sinting sound like a gunshot mi did a fire outta mi behine.. Mi did have one piece a running belly an couldn't hole it noh langa .Mi neva expec seh nobaady woulda go ina di bush!
Islandmutt: Lawd Gad! Sweet Jesas Mi a dead wid laugh! Wha dis? Batty and tiliet carnah?
Alicia: Fah real Mutty!..Dis gal is a riot tuh hell. All mi waan fi ask is WHY?! Granma Alpha have 3 batroom ina di house an yuh choose fi go drap yuh dung a bush! – WHY?
Ja-Kid: Lawd have mercy pan unu inyah .. dah siting deh smell fishy bad,bad! …mi noh know what odda Adjective best describe dat deh load a do-do deh shi puddung ina di bush deh..
KLH: Watery perhaps?
Ensom: Pungent ?
Islandmutt: Moist?
Queen: How about STINK!
Everyone busted out into uncontrollable laughter.
FeddyB: (laughing) Woiiiii Honeyface, nex time yuh wi know seh NEVVA NEVVA NEVVA NYAM LIVER WID ONION! A it gi yuh running belly! ..wooeeee
Lacy: Noh pay dem noh mine honeyface ..tell dem yuh are one wid nature yuh hear love. Mi jus noh know how cowitch bush neva cratch up yuh batty..
UnderCoverGirl: Speaking of batty a wha yuh use wipe yuh batty Honeyface?
Honeyface: One piece a banana leaf affa di tree..
Preshafut: MI MUMMA BLOOD FYAH! aah bwaay! A betta yuh did come ask mi fi some a mi scented baby wipes fi clean yuh *** fi get dat “Fresh” feeling..
Ensomgirl: (slaps Preshafut in the head) **BLAP!** Now mi know why di baby wipes a dun suh fast..So a yuh a use out di baby dem good good wipes pon yuh ole crusty behine! No wanda mi affi buy baby wipes so aften a week time.. a soon crab out yuh two yeye dem!
Preshafut: Hensum....Why su HAGgresive suh!...Lawd hav mercy pan yuh...Mi a tell yu star, a jus chu di youte dem mek I jus cool yuhnoh
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Alpha: No , no Ensom.. no put noh scar pan mi son-inlaw hansome face.. Ensom yuh was always a volient likkle girl..yuh neva did get a lang wid yuh bredda an sista dem …
EnsomGirl: Mama a neva mi use to start nutten. Mi memba when mi did likkle an mi did a guh siddung pon one stool nex to di dresser wid a sharp edge/corna. Di gal Reggae Ebony push mi an drag whe di stool mek mii lick up di side a mi head pon di dressa. Fram dat day mi head noh tan too right again – nearly tun mi ina invalid. Mi did eventually figive har dowe.
Reggae Ebony: Lawd Sis man .. yuh naah goh tap talk bout dat deh one buss head yuh get? Whappen to when wi did a play one day an yuh push mi outta di swing-sang and mek bus me big forehead! Yuh tink mi figet? An tap tell people seh a mi tun yuh ina ediat cause everybady dun know seh yuh a ediat fram yuh ina Mama belly!
Presafut: (Rose from his seat) **kiss teet** A dem tings deh unu a fus ova. When mi was a school bway mi memba when mi an mi bredrin dem did go raid one tuck shap. Mi tap fi pee-pee an a man sey sumady a CUM. I gu su wid di zippa an Di bloodkleet zip pinch aff mi pinnie wallie to BLLLOOOODDDDCCUPPP!! Til dis day when I launch di phlag pole mi still si di big ole bump!
Mire: **YAWN** Preshafut siddung cause yuh naah seh nutten yet..Fi yuh likkle Penis pinch a noh nutten compare to di mount a bruise bruise mi get when mi likkle. Tree limb juk mi in di side a mi yeye one time an one day one cooly gal tek har Har tuff shoes lik mi inna mi knee..if yuh look yuh si di letter "H" mark out ina mi knee same way..
Queen: Jeeezam Auntie Mire' is how yuh lick up and bump up soh? Yuh mussi did look like one Egyptian mummi wrap up wid whole heap a bandiad… Mi did really si di “H” pan yuh knee an swear blue seh di “H” was fi di nickname Granma did give yuh when yuh did small..
IslandMutt: Is what wi use to nickname Mire again Mama?..Mi know it wasn’t Halle Berry!
Alpha: Dis bway Mutty obsess wid Halle yuh noh .. Mutty yuh noh memba wi use to call Mire “Hee-haw” cause when dat leggo some snore ina har sleep yuh tink a dankey ina di bed wid yuh… a pure “hee-haw” yuh a hear..
IslandMutt: DWL!Lawd Gad ..mi memba now..DWL!
Mire: (in sarcastic tone) ha ha ha ha ..very funny!
Kingman: lol. Auntie Mire mek dem a do yuh bad lol. Dat gi mi a idea ...come mek wi have some fun man!.. lol. gadda roun an mek wi play a intellijence game . Mek wi describe wiself using di fus letta of wi name. Who a go start fus?
Honeyface: Meee! Mi fus Kingy!… ahhmm.. “H” fi hintelligent, hambitious, heducated, and hincridible haudatious and hute
Jackie: Honeyface keep it real sista, keep it real .. Yuh betta yuh did seh “H” fi Ho..cause yuh is nutten but a skank Ho!
Honeyface: (screw face) Gwey fram mi! Ho like yuh ole shribble up Muma!
Keke1: Hey watch yuh Bloodcup mout Honeyface..mi is Jackie’s Mada an me no know too much “k” word... but mi know seh “K” stan fi di kick a gwine plant ina yuh behine if yuh call mi Ho again.
Jambrit: Jesas savior unu terrible sah!..Unu doan even have respec fi di elda people dem roun wi.. Wi is all family an wi fi live betta dan dat wid wi one aneda.. Ok mi wi goh next ..airight “J” for the Joy I feel being with my family.
Kingman: lol Mi tink a betta word woulda bi “J” fah jown
Jazz: Kingman, mi fraid fi ask but what di hell is a “jown?”
Guineppe: Jazz - mi tink him mean “drown.” **DWL!**
Mire: I see yuh spelling hasn’t improved Kingman..
PinkeyLou: An imagine im a Assistant Managa! Dats it! Mi fed up a dis! Mi cup a run ova to blood cup! Mi caan badda wid dis school foolishness to rastacup..look how hard mi havvi batta batta a school an dis Nincumpoo caan even spell an get Managa jab!
Kingman: lol Likkle girl hush up yuh mout an gwey!.. yuh smell like dem wet daag. lol
PinkeyLou: Shut di hell up! Dam feisty ediat! Yuh is a disgrace to di family .dunce like yuh yuh shoulda deh a hillside a plant banana, coco an plaitain.. an raise two hag an 2 dozen fowl... A dem unfair tings mek mi jus fed up to backside!
BLOZ: A true cous. ..a true. Mi know when mi graduate all mi naah goh fine nutten fi do ina mi field Mi hafi wanda what is di pint. If Mummy neva treaten fi lick mi dung mi woulda drop out lang time..
Undercovergirl: Pinkey mi noh have no time fi a kill up miself ova school. If Kingman can get Managa jab den mi can tun CEO to reetid. Misis do like mi do an smoke ganja an sleep all day…
Venn: A noh lie UndaCova.. a di sensi use to calm mi ina dem days cause a sed way mi did feel when mi did a go school gal.. all dat stress crap use to cause mi fi have road rage a come fram school.. mi all run ova 2 an tree teacha afta shcool couple times well ..yuh tink a joke?
PinkeyLou was overcome with emotions and began to cry and murmur. As the tears rolled down her face, so did the nose naught from her nose.
Churchgirl: Pinkey C'mere puttus. Come Hug yuh big cousin. ((((Pinkey)))) Noh stress yuhself ova material possession yaah. Yuh noh si di repo man tek weh mi Lexxus di oda day an mi naah worry bout it.. Yuh have one teifing ooman out deh dem call Sallie Mae weh a charge mi a arm an a leg fi di likkle educatian mi get.. mi call har one day an tell har 2 church badwod an shi treaten fi tek mi paycheck a mont time .. troo mi is a ooman love kip di peace mi mek har put mi pan a lay-away plan.. so yuh si ..dere is nutten to worry about dawling..yuh can always put yuh bills dem pan lay-away.. wipe aff yuh nose.
Kingman: All now mi noh si weh shi a bawl fah? Whe unu waan mi fi do – go get mi GED an lef mi pretivilous jab? Unu mussi freeking mad. All Onoo oomens freeking funny lol.
Alicia: Kingman mi loose affa yuh fi real.. How yuh so blinking crabbit! Mi feel seh yuh mus' aplagize to yuh cousin ..Fi once yuh caan seh somting passitive bout yuh family membas man..
Empreress: Mi agree Alicia, fram wi come yah wi jus a criticize an cuss wi one aneda.. Time wi seh up lif wi one aneda cause wi a fambily. I must say dat mi glad that mi twin bredda Slick stop wear 2 ears ring ina im earshole cause mi did tink im did a go tun sadomite..mi proud a yuh bad mi bredda!
BurmieGirl: Amen! I am so happy that my daughter BLOZ got counselling for her sexual addiction…
Sistergirl: Seh wah?, Burmiegirl break it dung fi mi gal!! Mi did si sinting pan sex addictian pan Oprah but neva did a ketch an.. how it goh?
BLOZ: MUMMY!..lawd Gad a mek yuh a talk mi bizniz out soh?
BurmieGirl: Don’t be asshamed suga. The important ting is dat yuh cure cause it did pain mi heart fi si yuh a get yuh “freak on”ina dem porn flick deh.. wid dat addiction yuh flesh couldn satisfy an it did a tun yuh ina one blastid freak! Mi coulden tek noh more a it.
Sistergirl: A true BLOZ?... dyam girl!!I coulda been ya pimp! …oops sarry! A joke mi a mek. ..LOL
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Joycie: Aaah shucks! Enough already! Mi noh like dah foo-fool letta game..a trupidness dat..an mi noh have nutten passitive fi seh to nobaddy riight yah now..Come wi play sinting more nicerera..
Mire: * YAWN* .. a true! Unu fine sinting else play arelse mi ago ina di house goh lie dung.
Joycie: Mek wi play Sag - you're it.Or wi can play “Pin the toupee pon di bald guy” ..whe unu seh?
IsalandMutt: What I have to seh to yuh Joycie is dat yuh getting blastid ole an senile.. a wha kina ole people game dat yuh a talk bout?
Joycie: Whe yuh seh Mutty .. talk likkle louda ina mi good ears .. it look like di blastid ear piece a run outta battery again ..cho! Whe yuh seh?
Alpha: (shouting into Joycie’s good ear)) Joycie ..IM SEH YUH A GET OLE an SENILE.. si all yuh hair stop grow pon yuh head an staat grow outa yuh nosehole and aisehole arredi
Joycie: Den a how Mutty know seh hair a grow outta mi behine hole?
Islandmutt: ***DWL***..shi seh EARS OLE Ms Joycie - nat a-hole! Aldowe mi did tink a dat shi seh to. Sweet Jesas help wi! ..**DWL**
Msbens: Noh laugh yaah ..si ole age a ketch up pon mi yah to.. mi have fi lif up ten pound a breast fi wash mi navel.. an seka di belly infront a mi, mi couldn tell laas mi si mi toe dem.
Star child: Lawd Msbens Yuh a mi one an ongle Sista, but I wish, I wish, I wish yuh coulda si dem toe deh ..cause dem need a miracle fi mek dem look like toe again...Mi noh know a wha dem deh sinting yuh a grow pan yuh foot… wos dan crow foot!
Msbens: Tap chat bout mi foot so man before mi lick yuh ina yuh “clath”!!
Alpha: Behave yuself Starchild.. yuh too outta arda..**LOL**.. Misis di ole age a ketch up pan mi to fi troot..If yuh eva hear one a my fart dem,yuh tink a trumpet a blow ina Labor day parade – dem loud yuh si!
Honeyface: Yes GranMa ..mi know di kina fart dem yuha talk. One day mi dead wid laugh a work an let up one big one deh.. Mi seh di sinting so powaful dat mi it friten mi to backside.
UnderCover Girl: Lawks honeyface.. yuh awful eeh? MOVE FRAM YAH SO MAN! eeeeeeeewwwwwwww...utterly disgusting!..*dwl*
BLOZ: Mi nuh know how yuh have fren yuh nuh honeyface! Wah mek is bare a dem tinking dutty tings yuh always waan share wid people.
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There was a loud knock at the gate. One of the men got up to see who it was. As he walked towards the gate he began to enquire:
Red Ants: Hey.what a gwaan solja ..yuh a look fi smaddy?
Skellion: Mi a look fi di twizupdrawz familly reunion.. is here so it deh?
Red Ants: Yes it is .. but who is you?
Skellion: Mi a unu lang laas cousin man.. mi is a part of di family by yuh Moda side.. yuh jus noh recognise mi cause mi change mi looks an mi change mi name to…
Red Ants: Hole on .. stay right dehso .. Mek a go fine out something
He went back to where the family was sitting..
Red Ants: Anybady know smaddy name Skellion?
Jackie: Who?
Red Ants: Im seh im name Skellion
Jackie: Di name soun familiar but no.. mi know wan bway name green onion dowe mi noh tink a im… a whe im waan Red Ants?
Red Ants: Im seh ima part a di family an waan come in…yuh know im Mama?
Alpha: No sah ..mi noh know a who name soh .. a wanda if a dat bway wi hear bout pan di news weh love stalk ooman any which part di bashment dem deh.. Mek ago look fi miself ..
She walks towards the gate.. The man standing at the gate was wearing a sweat top with a hood masking his face.
Alpha: Hi sar, yuh looking fi smaddy?
Skellion: Is dis where di bashment kiping? Is di people dem still here? Where are de fine oomens? Dem husban come wid dem? Any a dem frens here to?
Alpha: If yuh talking about di TwizupDrawz family reunion yes dis is di place but a mek yuh a ask so much questian? Mi caan mek yuh out yuh face. Whey yuhseh yuh name again?
Skellion: (hiding his face) Ahhamm..Ske-ske..skellion..Yes Skellion is mi name..Mi jus a paas troo fi si if mi could tek in di bashment
Alpha: A di fus mi hear bout nobaddy name Sellion... Yuh related to dat miserable ole ooman name Ms EM?
Skellion: EM? No…Is airight .. neva mine .. mi was hoping to come meet one a di ooman dem ..mi mean mi family dem but dis is a waste a time..
Alpha: (looking shocked) Kiss mi grass seed! Wait mi a mek out yuh face good now..Noh yuh a di bashment stalka mi si pan di TV news! Yuh a di same one weh dem seh falla back a every bashment an a try con people fi let yuh in so yuh can look people ooman!
Ms Alpha was seemingly angry and reached for some rockstones in the yard and started throwing them at the stranger.
Alpha: Bway move yuh baxide fram mi front gate! Doan dark yuh backfoot back a mi yaad..(She threw more and more rocks) - **Blap in the man’s head!!!**
Skellion: (running and ducking stones ) Daaaam! Dat ole ooman is one crazy rahtid ooman! Blastid plan neva wok to bleeze naught!.. Maybe nex time mi ago seh mi name “George Bush”maybe mi wi have betta luck... Man mi haffi fine a way to get invited to dese bashments! Loneliness a kill mi!
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The family members all ran to the front to see what was hapenning. They came just in time to see the man running down the road leaving his shoes behind. They all had a good laugh and praised Mother Alpha for chasing him away..
Ensom: Wooee Mama yuh han straight eeh? Him head mussi buss ina tree place deh now..DWL
Marcia: I think that should be di laas wi si of any Skellion aroun here .. good fi yuh Mama Alpha… Let’s get back an finish up this blessed day uninterrupted – shall we?
And so it went .. the yr 2000 Twizupdrawz family Union was a success – fille dwith laughter, fun and drama. See you at the next runion next yr!!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++
The sweet smelling aroma from the big zinc pots bubbling with food escaped into the clouds . This was the day planned for the Twisupdrawz family Re-union at 4567 Maddix Lane . The turn out was expected to be large- with family members and relatives coming from all over the United States, Jamaica and England. Outside the yard a few members of the Twisupdrawz family was busy cooking, preparing the outdoors, and talking amongst themselves:
Alpha: Woyee dis is going to be a big, big and joyous day. Mi caan wait fi si all a mi fambily dem.. Mi waan fi si who a breed, who get lef an whoofa pickney noh come aff to a dam ting…
Jadine: (stirring the Pot) Yes sah.. Auntie Alpha dis bashment ago sweet..4 more hours to go! Mi caan wait. Mi glad seh yuh decide fi have dis reunion Alpha ..But yuh sure yuh waan bring all di warbout dem tigeda unda one roof? Misis tek it fram mi , a some mad people dem yuhnoh
Alpha: Jadine mi know how dem love war but all day lang mi a siddung a yard an a read book soh til mi tun room colour. Lickle drama woulda do mi some good yah now. ..soh mek dem come..
Jadine: Mi seh di fambily get big to bloodcup.. when dem come yah mi naah goh know who is who cause everybady suppose to tun big man an ooman now
Alpha: If di family big! ..Woyyeee wi have all sarta nega ina di family now....brown-skin coolie, dark-skin coolie, red-kin nayga, half-white nayga an one bungle a chiney!
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It was 4:30 in the evening and the cars began to pull up infront of the big yard.
Alpha: (running excitedly towards the group) Woyeee look pan mi fambily dem! Look pan Mire! Misis cuh pan yuh belly! It look like some a yuh belly all a grow roun a yuh back– a how yuh behine so big?.. come gi mi a hug mi dawling
Mire: Ohhh Granny Alpha yuh noh easy, so glad fi si yuh.. Watch di belly ..no squeeze mi too tight. ((Alpha&Mire)))
Alpha: Oh Look pon mi daughta Rashieda. Baby how yuh fearing love ..yuh neva did get ova yuh faada deat eeh? Yuh nat even call mi
Rashieda: Hello Mama ..mi airght.. a neva daddy deat mek mi neva call yuh .. mi was kinda upset when yuh call mi pan mi jab an notify mi seh Daddy ovadose pan Viagra pill an drap dead. Yuh coulda wait til mi ketch a yaad fi notify mi! A noh every bady can hangle dem deh kina news a wok. Mi seh a was so upset! A whe im did a do a tek Viagra anyway – a ole shribble up 75 yr ole man lika dat
Reggae Ebony: Lawks Rashieda – yuh too dam pwial fi a big ooman man .. Mi shame fi call yuh mi sista .. Memba when big Sista KLH did tell wi seh har husban di drap dead two yrs afta di fac…Now dat was sheg up! Dam gal mek mi miss di wake an mi neva get fi nyam likkle manish wata and goat soup. ..Atleast Mama did tell wi when pappa dead so wi coulda get fi goh a im wake fi get likkle bickle, leave mama a lone..Good to see you again Mama..
Alpha: You too dawling.. Well Hello Wendy..whappen mi favorite niece? ..mi si seh yuh head still tough an yuh foot dem still maaga. Whe yuh Red husban deh?
Wendy: Mi head noh dat tough no more man ..yuh too tan bad Auntie Alpha.. Yuh no si seh it a tek di crème betta now.. Mi husban ina di car backa mi.. im soon come - but dis is mi bwayfren.. seh hello to mi Auntie noh honey bump..
[b]Capleton: [b] Greetings Madda.. Di name is Capleton, Redbutt Agustus,Vagisimon,Rectumatic,FullerShyttt III.. Rasta is humbled to bi amongst your presence. MORE FHAH!
Alpha: (holding here chest from the fright) Mista a hope yuh noh have noh intentian fi come bun dung mi place yuhnoh.. Nice to meet yuh anyway…dat is some interesting name mi son ..Well my name is jus Alpha IgataTwisupdrawz. ..yuh can jus call mi anyting yuh waan yuh hear dawling
Capleton: Mi seh mi love di laas name Twizupdrawz yuh si ..it soun like dem nice Eteopian name – Jah know.. Mi a dead fi Wendy lef har Husban so when wi married shi wi tek on mi name. Den shi will bi my Wendy Anhar FullerShytt-Twisupdrawz..
Alpha: Den who is dis lady dat resemble yuh soh Mista FullerShytt?
Thirdeye: Oh Me??..Well, mi is Capleton sista Ms Alpha..di name is TirdYeye One-eyena FullerShytt. Respect! Noh pay mi gold teet dem wid di King of Clubs, Diamonds an di Spades and Hearts noh mine…
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The family kept pouring in. All greeted each other with tears and hugs. They continue to catch up with each other.
Jadine: So Miss Hottie Hot, how yuh doing Ms ting? Mi hear seh yuha big time barrista upa District court.... Yuh mek mi heart proud so til
Hottie Hot: Well Auntie Jadine, mi nat up a di court house again yuh noh.. mi gi dem mi tirty days notice an lef di wok .. Mi get aneda offa weh pay likkle bit more dan di trupance dem dida pay mi fi defen di ole criminal dem.
Jadine: But stap ..yuh a gwaan wid tings.. Hearty congrats mi love ..so whe yuh tek dis new jab?
Hottie Hot: Well..well ..uuhmmm.. mi work kina private Auntie Jadine
Jadine: Oh bless yuh heart ..shi going into Private practice. Good fi yuh mi love!
Jazz: Hey heya! Woooo ..mi naah seh nutten ..woooo …aaah sah!!
BLOZ: A wha Jazz .. whe yuh a hole back fram wi? Talk man!
(Hottie Hot gave Jazz a hard and threatening stare)
Jazz: (continued looking away) Nutten sah .. is jus dat dey jab whe Cousin Hottie shi a do is far fram private! Hottie tell mi seh shi a de star attraction dung ah CLUB ROLEX club a show all har privates .. Shi claims di money fatta dats why shi resign fram di likkle lawyer wuk!
BLOZ: But kiss mi Blood cup! Suh Hottie Hott, a desso yuh deh a nite time...a club Rolex pon 79 St? *DWL*
Hottie Hott: Unu can gwaan run up unu mout an kin unu teet ..Auntie Jadine is a living mi a try mek yuh hear.. mi naah mek dem bad mine people pwail up mi mood cause mi happy as a lark!
Mire: A mek yuh soh happy misis.. yuh dis come fram di teilet?
Bandido1: LOL,, No Mire, it look like shi jus dun roll up ina some dry grass
Lawx: (spinning her husband towards her) Bandido explain dis to mi, why on Gad’s eart when people seh dem happy as a lark yuh mus always assume seh dem a roll ina grass?
Bandido: Wha yuh mean by assume? Yuh noh si di whole heap a grass blade weh hitch up pan har skirt an ina har head?
Churchgirl: Bandido!! Law mi gash. Wha wrang wid yuh? Lef di ooman alone! Come here yuh hear Hattie mek mi brush aff yuh head.. Bandido, yuh a mi bredda but yuh too tan bad..LOL
Alpha: Unu noh easy ..unu gwaan roun a back.. everyting set up roun deh fi unu fi nyam an chat..
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Soon after a sound from a car muffler loud enough to wake a dead man caused everyone to pause and look around. A thick black smoke followed the beat up vehicle. Everyone turned in the direction of the sound to see who had just arrived. A tall slender young man emerged from the car.
Wendy: Kiss mi nose bridge! A who dat? No ..noh tell mi seh a… A LIE! Jesas savior di prodigal son has returned..KINGMAN!- a yuh dat?
Alpha: Yes to reekus !! – a Kingman fi troot. Chile come gi yuh Granny a hug..mi miss yuh so til (((Kingy)) .lang fi si yuh bway So how yuh keeping mi granson? Yuh still a burlga people house?
Kingman: lol. No granny Alpha.. Mi doan do dem tings deh no more. lol man is big man now lol
Mire: So what yuh doing wid yuhself now Kingman? Come ova yah so come siddung beside yuh cousin in law an tell mi what a gwaan?
Kingman: lol Whazup cousin Mire, yuh waan si mi get a Assistant Managa jab a dung a di General Discustian community centa.
Mire: But stap! Yuh a tun big man ..den weh yuh do dung a di community centa Kingman?
Kingman: Part a di jab a some online doings yuhnoh.. Mi also manage di Centa an sen di sketel ooman dem fi get counsilling dung a di DearK branch affice cause nuff a dem waan come blabba dem man “ish” ina big man affice.
Mire: So yuh tun big shat pan mi..yuh like di jab ar yuh ago back goh tun criminal ?
Kingman: **kiss teet** Di jab rough noh blood kekkle cause di ooman dem stubban like dem ole mule. Di odda day mi did haffi race up one new employee name Crystal89. Afta mi tell di big mout gal fi carry har trash dung a di DearK affice shi come tell fi shut up mi clappas an mine mi bizniz.. A gi har one claaat ina lef yeye yuhsi, swell it up big so!..Mi sarry but di gayl did too renk man.
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They all laughed at Kingman’s recount of his fight. The laughter grew louder when someone heard a ringing..
KLH: Shhhh!! Unu hear di phone a ring? .. Yes a di phone ..Jazz tek yuh lazy no cooking *** an go ansa di phone noh.. an when yuh come back bring mi cambra whe mi lef ina di setee.
Jazz: But si yah KLH! Whe yuh noh lef mi alone?! **kiss teet** **cut yeye**. (Jazz ran inside and picks up the cordless) Halluee -Twizupdrawz residence
Wahalla: Jazz? Is dat yuh?!
Jazz: Yes mi sweet biscuit?! When yuh coming?
Wahalla: (sounding down) Something come up ..where is Mama Alpha?
Jazz: Mi sweet Cassava, is what do yuh? Mama Alpha outside wid di res a family.. what yuh mean somting come up?
Wahalla: Mi caan mek di reuinon mi electric bulb.. mi park mi car a one café right crass fram Jackie yaad an smaddy teif mi car tire! Mi caan move a inch fram yahso..Mi Engine a wok put nat a wheel fi carry mi ova deh!
Jazz: Jezam crimum ..what a Autoclasp! Wheh yuh a go do now Wahalla? Yuh know a who do it?
Wahalla: Between mi an yuh mi mine tell mi seh a smaddy a dat yaad fault why mi car tyre missin.. Teifing Red Ants ova deh?
Jazz: Yes im deyha wid plenty ada teifing smaddy.. yuh tink a im tek it?
Wahalla: A coulda any one a dem dutty nega deh..but mi car neva park too far fram which part Red Ants live… anyway, jus tell mama Alpha mi sarry mi caan mek it .. an mi seh mi did a look farward fi si yuh likkle Breadfruit batty yuh si…cho!
Jazz: Airight lata Wahalla..no mine yuh hear.. mi wi nyam a plate a food fi yuh.. By babes! (she hangs up)
Britisha: A who dat Jazz?
Jazz: A Wahalla..im seh im caan mek it cause smaddy teif im car tyre an lef im wid so-so hubcap. I tink is a conspiracy concocted by di FBI, CIA, JBC, ar ada people known as KLH an BLOZ .. It’s a dam shame.. FYAH BUN!
Jackie: (waving her hand) HESCUSE MI! Before unu start..di fac dat mi own a tyre shop does not mean I are incriminated in de leas!!! awoah... Personally, mi tink sey a coulda anybady weh siddung yah so cause a pure cris tire mi si pan unu car outta road deh
Red Ants: Mi kina suspec yuh enoh Jackie cuse a yuh fuss ansa! Yu gilty to rah. Unu si seh a shi fus reach yah .. How yuh get yah so quick?! Mi mine tell mi seh a di man new wheels yuh hav pan yuh car cause fi yuh tyah dem always bald like mi head tap!
Jackie: Maas Red Ants, GWEY!!! Mi noh waan Wahalla wuklis Firestone tyha pan mi car. .Chat bout! **cut yeye**
Britisha: Oh Oh.. People wicked an teif sah! Mi really sarry fi hear dem tief Wahalla tire. I personally tink seh a certain smaddy fram dung a Flarida teif it. Dem have di man tyre a hide up ina di bushes.
Islandmutt: Hey Mine how unu a talk bout certan smaddy fram Flaridah.. Ah nuh me! Mi noh know nutten bout teif car tyre ..mi nat even know how fi pick car lack to rahtid.. di only ting mi know fi pick a mi nose hole ..an a dat mi did a do all dam day tideh before mi come yah..
ThirdEye: An all now mi no si yuh wash yuh han dem an yuh have yuh finga all ova Ms Alpha food!!.. Nastiness!!! MORE FYAH!
Alpha: Ms Tirdy eye please leave mi nephew alone a stick to di tapic .. nobaddy naah talk bout di food now ..wi waan know a who teif di tyah..
Blessed: But wait a noh one Lada Wahalla drive? Den yuh mean dem still a sell car tyre fi Lada... If a mi like im mi glad seh dem teif mi car tyre cause mi noh know a wha di blood seed dat im a drive. **kiss teet**
Rasta_Minded: (hanging his head down) AIRIGHT! Airight.. Mi ave a canfeshan....A mi tek Wahalla tyre... Mi Sorry but ah Wendy tell mi fi do it, She claim seh shi buy one ‘Datsun’ an only tree nomo wheel pan it. Shi did pramise mi a piece if mi get har a new trye fi put pan di car… BTW Wendy, memba seh yuh owe mi a piece sed way – oh!
Wendy: eeh eeh! Tan deh wait fah..
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Suddenly there was an interruption from someone coming from the direction of the bushes:
Ja-kid: Hey hey! One minute deh! Hole di argument..mi jus a come fram di back an something smell fishy in di BUSHES !! A wha dead ova deh?
Hottie Hot: Yuh to Ja-kid.. somting indeh smell fishy fi troo. Smell like dead daag…Ms Alpha, yuh sure nutten noh dead ova deh?
Someone raised their hand and said something holding her hand over her face:
Honeyface: A mi jump ova di fence an leggo a load a do-do... di sinting sound like a gunshot mi did a fire outta mi behine.. Mi did have one piece a running belly an couldn't hole it noh langa .Mi neva expec seh nobaady woulda go ina di bush!
Islandmutt: Lawd Gad! Sweet Jesas Mi a dead wid laugh! Wha dis? Batty and tiliet carnah?
Alicia: Fah real Mutty!..Dis gal is a riot tuh hell. All mi waan fi ask is WHY?! Granma Alpha have 3 batroom ina di house an yuh choose fi go drap yuh dung a bush! – WHY?
Ja-Kid: Lawd have mercy pan unu inyah .. dah siting deh smell fishy bad,bad! …mi noh know what odda Adjective best describe dat deh load a do-do deh shi puddung ina di bush deh..
KLH: Watery perhaps?
Ensom: Pungent ?
Islandmutt: Moist?
Queen: How about STINK!
Everyone busted out into uncontrollable laughter.
FeddyB: (laughing) Woiiiii Honeyface, nex time yuh wi know seh NEVVA NEVVA NEVVA NYAM LIVER WID ONION! A it gi yuh running belly! ..wooeeee
Lacy: Noh pay dem noh mine honeyface ..tell dem yuh are one wid nature yuh hear love. Mi jus noh know how cowitch bush neva cratch up yuh batty..
UnderCoverGirl: Speaking of batty a wha yuh use wipe yuh batty Honeyface?
Honeyface: One piece a banana leaf affa di tree..
Preshafut: MI MUMMA BLOOD FYAH! aah bwaay! A betta yuh did come ask mi fi some a mi scented baby wipes fi clean yuh *** fi get dat “Fresh” feeling..
Ensomgirl: (slaps Preshafut in the head) **BLAP!** Now mi know why di baby wipes a dun suh fast..So a yuh a use out di baby dem good good wipes pon yuh ole crusty behine! No wanda mi affi buy baby wipes so aften a week time.. a soon crab out yuh two yeye dem!
Preshafut: Hensum....Why su HAGgresive suh!...Lawd hav mercy pan yuh...Mi a tell yu star, a jus chu di youte dem mek I jus cool yuhnoh
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Alpha: No , no Ensom.. no put noh scar pan mi son-inlaw hansome face.. Ensom yuh was always a volient likkle girl..yuh neva did get a lang wid yuh bredda an sista dem …
EnsomGirl: Mama a neva mi use to start nutten. Mi memba when mi did likkle an mi did a guh siddung pon one stool nex to di dresser wid a sharp edge/corna. Di gal Reggae Ebony push mi an drag whe di stool mek mii lick up di side a mi head pon di dressa. Fram dat day mi head noh tan too right again – nearly tun mi ina invalid. Mi did eventually figive har dowe.
Reggae Ebony: Lawd Sis man .. yuh naah goh tap talk bout dat deh one buss head yuh get? Whappen to when wi did a play one day an yuh push mi outta di swing-sang and mek bus me big forehead! Yuh tink mi figet? An tap tell people seh a mi tun yuh ina ediat cause everybady dun know seh yuh a ediat fram yuh ina Mama belly!
Presafut: (Rose from his seat) **kiss teet** A dem tings deh unu a fus ova. When mi was a school bway mi memba when mi an mi bredrin dem did go raid one tuck shap. Mi tap fi pee-pee an a man sey sumady a CUM. I gu su wid di zippa an Di bloodkleet zip pinch aff mi pinnie wallie to BLLLOOOODDDDCCUPPP!! Til dis day when I launch di phlag pole mi still si di big ole bump!
Mire: **YAWN** Preshafut siddung cause yuh naah seh nutten yet..Fi yuh likkle Penis pinch a noh nutten compare to di mount a bruise bruise mi get when mi likkle. Tree limb juk mi in di side a mi yeye one time an one day one cooly gal tek har Har tuff shoes lik mi inna mi knee..if yuh look yuh si di letter "H" mark out ina mi knee same way..
Queen: Jeeezam Auntie Mire' is how yuh lick up and bump up soh? Yuh mussi did look like one Egyptian mummi wrap up wid whole heap a bandiad… Mi did really si di “H” pan yuh knee an swear blue seh di “H” was fi di nickname Granma did give yuh when yuh did small..
IslandMutt: Is what wi use to nickname Mire again Mama?..Mi know it wasn’t Halle Berry!
Alpha: Dis bway Mutty obsess wid Halle yuh noh .. Mutty yuh noh memba wi use to call Mire “Hee-haw” cause when dat leggo some snore ina har sleep yuh tink a dankey ina di bed wid yuh… a pure “hee-haw” yuh a hear..
IslandMutt: DWL!Lawd Gad ..mi memba now..DWL!
Mire: (in sarcastic tone) ha ha ha ha ..very funny!
Kingman: lol. Auntie Mire mek dem a do yuh bad lol. Dat gi mi a idea ...come mek wi have some fun man!.. lol. gadda roun an mek wi play a intellijence game . Mek wi describe wiself using di fus letta of wi name. Who a go start fus?
Honeyface: Meee! Mi fus Kingy!… ahhmm.. “H” fi hintelligent, hambitious, heducated, and hincridible haudatious and hute
Jackie: Honeyface keep it real sista, keep it real .. Yuh betta yuh did seh “H” fi Ho..cause yuh is nutten but a skank Ho!
Honeyface: (screw face) Gwey fram mi! Ho like yuh ole shribble up Muma!
Keke1: Hey watch yuh Bloodcup mout Honeyface..mi is Jackie’s Mada an me no know too much “k” word... but mi know seh “K” stan fi di kick a gwine plant ina yuh behine if yuh call mi Ho again.
Jambrit: Jesas savior unu terrible sah!..Unu doan even have respec fi di elda people dem roun wi.. Wi is all family an wi fi live betta dan dat wid wi one aneda.. Ok mi wi goh next ..airight “J” for the Joy I feel being with my family.
Kingman: lol Mi tink a betta word woulda bi “J” fah jown
Jazz: Kingman, mi fraid fi ask but what di hell is a “jown?”
Guineppe: Jazz - mi tink him mean “drown.” **DWL!**
Mire: I see yuh spelling hasn’t improved Kingman..
PinkeyLou: An imagine im a Assistant Managa! Dats it! Mi fed up a dis! Mi cup a run ova to blood cup! Mi caan badda wid dis school foolishness to rastacup..look how hard mi havvi batta batta a school an dis Nincumpoo caan even spell an get Managa jab!
Kingman: lol Likkle girl hush up yuh mout an gwey!.. yuh smell like dem wet daag. lol
PinkeyLou: Shut di hell up! Dam feisty ediat! Yuh is a disgrace to di family .dunce like yuh yuh shoulda deh a hillside a plant banana, coco an plaitain.. an raise two hag an 2 dozen fowl... A dem unfair tings mek mi jus fed up to backside!
BLOZ: A true cous. ..a true. Mi know when mi graduate all mi naah goh fine nutten fi do ina mi field Mi hafi wanda what is di pint. If Mummy neva treaten fi lick mi dung mi woulda drop out lang time..
Undercovergirl: Pinkey mi noh have no time fi a kill up miself ova school. If Kingman can get Managa jab den mi can tun CEO to reetid. Misis do like mi do an smoke ganja an sleep all day…
Venn: A noh lie UndaCova.. a di sensi use to calm mi ina dem days cause a sed way mi did feel when mi did a go school gal.. all dat stress crap use to cause mi fi have road rage a come fram school.. mi all run ova 2 an tree teacha afta shcool couple times well ..yuh tink a joke?
PinkeyLou was overcome with emotions and began to cry and murmur. As the tears rolled down her face, so did the nose naught from her nose.
Churchgirl: Pinkey C'mere puttus. Come Hug yuh big cousin. ((((Pinkey)))) Noh stress yuhself ova material possession yaah. Yuh noh si di repo man tek weh mi Lexxus di oda day an mi naah worry bout it.. Yuh have one teifing ooman out deh dem call Sallie Mae weh a charge mi a arm an a leg fi di likkle educatian mi get.. mi call har one day an tell har 2 church badwod an shi treaten fi tek mi paycheck a mont time .. troo mi is a ooman love kip di peace mi mek har put mi pan a lay-away plan.. so yuh si ..dere is nutten to worry about dawling..yuh can always put yuh bills dem pan lay-away.. wipe aff yuh nose.
Kingman: All now mi noh si weh shi a bawl fah? Whe unu waan mi fi do – go get mi GED an lef mi pretivilous jab? Unu mussi freeking mad. All Onoo oomens freeking funny lol.
Alicia: Kingman mi loose affa yuh fi real.. How yuh so blinking crabbit! Mi feel seh yuh mus' aplagize to yuh cousin ..Fi once yuh caan seh somting passitive bout yuh family membas man..
Empreress: Mi agree Alicia, fram wi come yah wi jus a criticize an cuss wi one aneda.. Time wi seh up lif wi one aneda cause wi a fambily. I must say dat mi glad that mi twin bredda Slick stop wear 2 ears ring ina im earshole cause mi did tink im did a go tun sadomite..mi proud a yuh bad mi bredda!
BurmieGirl: Amen! I am so happy that my daughter BLOZ got counselling for her sexual addiction…
Sistergirl: Seh wah?, Burmiegirl break it dung fi mi gal!! Mi did si sinting pan sex addictian pan Oprah but neva did a ketch an.. how it goh?
BLOZ: MUMMY!..lawd Gad a mek yuh a talk mi bizniz out soh?
BurmieGirl: Don’t be asshamed suga. The important ting is dat yuh cure cause it did pain mi heart fi si yuh a get yuh “freak on”ina dem porn flick deh.. wid dat addiction yuh flesh couldn satisfy an it did a tun yuh ina one blastid freak! Mi coulden tek noh more a it.
Sistergirl: A true BLOZ?... dyam girl!!I coulda been ya pimp! …oops sarry! A joke mi a mek. ..LOL
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Joycie: Aaah shucks! Enough already! Mi noh like dah foo-fool letta game..a trupidness dat..an mi noh have nutten passitive fi seh to nobaddy riight yah now..Come wi play sinting more nicerera..
Mire: * YAWN* .. a true! Unu fine sinting else play arelse mi ago ina di house goh lie dung.
Joycie: Mek wi play Sag - you're it.Or wi can play “Pin the toupee pon di bald guy” ..whe unu seh?
IsalandMutt: What I have to seh to yuh Joycie is dat yuh getting blastid ole an senile.. a wha kina ole people game dat yuh a talk bout?
Joycie: Whe yuh seh Mutty .. talk likkle louda ina mi good ears .. it look like di blastid ear piece a run outta battery again ..cho! Whe yuh seh?
Alpha: (shouting into Joycie’s good ear)) Joycie ..IM SEH YUH A GET OLE an SENILE.. si all yuh hair stop grow pon yuh head an staat grow outa yuh nosehole and aisehole arredi
Joycie: Den a how Mutty know seh hair a grow outta mi behine hole?
Islandmutt: ***DWL***..shi seh EARS OLE Ms Joycie - nat a-hole! Aldowe mi did tink a dat shi seh to. Sweet Jesas help wi! ..**DWL**
Msbens: Noh laugh yaah ..si ole age a ketch up pon mi yah to.. mi have fi lif up ten pound a breast fi wash mi navel.. an seka di belly infront a mi, mi couldn tell laas mi si mi toe dem.
Star child: Lawd Msbens Yuh a mi one an ongle Sista, but I wish, I wish, I wish yuh coulda si dem toe deh ..cause dem need a miracle fi mek dem look like toe again...Mi noh know a wha dem deh sinting yuh a grow pan yuh foot… wos dan crow foot!
Msbens: Tap chat bout mi foot so man before mi lick yuh ina yuh “clath”!!
Alpha: Behave yuself Starchild.. yuh too outta arda..**LOL**.. Misis di ole age a ketch up pan mi to fi troot..If yuh eva hear one a my fart dem,yuh tink a trumpet a blow ina Labor day parade – dem loud yuh si!
Honeyface: Yes GranMa ..mi know di kina fart dem yuha talk. One day mi dead wid laugh a work an let up one big one deh.. Mi seh di sinting so powaful dat mi it friten mi to backside.
UnderCover Girl: Lawks honeyface.. yuh awful eeh? MOVE FRAM YAH SO MAN! eeeeeeeewwwwwwww...utterly disgusting!..*dwl*
BLOZ: Mi nuh know how yuh have fren yuh nuh honeyface! Wah mek is bare a dem tinking dutty tings yuh always waan share wid people.
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There was a loud knock at the gate. One of the men got up to see who it was. As he walked towards the gate he began to enquire:
Red Ants: Hey.what a gwaan solja ..yuh a look fi smaddy?
Skellion: Mi a look fi di twizupdrawz familly reunion.. is here so it deh?
Red Ants: Yes it is .. but who is you?
Skellion: Mi a unu lang laas cousin man.. mi is a part of di family by yuh Moda side.. yuh jus noh recognise mi cause mi change mi looks an mi change mi name to…
Red Ants: Hole on .. stay right dehso .. Mek a go fine out something
He went back to where the family was sitting..
Red Ants: Anybady know smaddy name Skellion?
Jackie: Who?
Red Ants: Im seh im name Skellion
Jackie: Di name soun familiar but no.. mi know wan bway name green onion dowe mi noh tink a im… a whe im waan Red Ants?
Red Ants: Im seh ima part a di family an waan come in…yuh know im Mama?
Alpha: No sah ..mi noh know a who name soh .. a wanda if a dat bway wi hear bout pan di news weh love stalk ooman any which part di bashment dem deh.. Mek ago look fi miself ..
She walks towards the gate.. The man standing at the gate was wearing a sweat top with a hood masking his face.
Alpha: Hi sar, yuh looking fi smaddy?
Skellion: Is dis where di bashment kiping? Is di people dem still here? Where are de fine oomens? Dem husban come wid dem? Any a dem frens here to?
Alpha: If yuh talking about di TwizupDrawz family reunion yes dis is di place but a mek yuh a ask so much questian? Mi caan mek yuh out yuh face. Whey yuhseh yuh name again?
Skellion: (hiding his face) Ahhamm..Ske-ske..skellion..Yes Skellion is mi name..Mi jus a paas troo fi si if mi could tek in di bashment
Alpha: A di fus mi hear bout nobaddy name Sellion... Yuh related to dat miserable ole ooman name Ms EM?
Skellion: EM? No…Is airight .. neva mine .. mi was hoping to come meet one a di ooman dem ..mi mean mi family dem but dis is a waste a time..
Alpha: (looking shocked) Kiss mi grass seed! Wait mi a mek out yuh face good now..Noh yuh a di bashment stalka mi si pan di TV news! Yuh a di same one weh dem seh falla back a every bashment an a try con people fi let yuh in so yuh can look people ooman!
Ms Alpha was seemingly angry and reached for some rockstones in the yard and started throwing them at the stranger.
Alpha: Bway move yuh baxide fram mi front gate! Doan dark yuh backfoot back a mi yaad..(She threw more and more rocks) - **Blap in the man’s head!!!**
Skellion: (running and ducking stones ) Daaaam! Dat ole ooman is one crazy rahtid ooman! Blastid plan neva wok to bleeze naught!.. Maybe nex time mi ago seh mi name “George Bush”maybe mi wi have betta luck... Man mi haffi fine a way to get invited to dese bashments! Loneliness a kill mi!
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The family members all ran to the front to see what was hapenning. They came just in time to see the man running down the road leaving his shoes behind. They all had a good laugh and praised Mother Alpha for chasing him away..
Ensom: Wooee Mama yuh han straight eeh? Him head mussi buss ina tree place deh now..DWL
Marcia: I think that should be di laas wi si of any Skellion aroun here .. good fi yuh Mama Alpha… Let’s get back an finish up this blessed day uninterrupted – shall we?
And so it went .. the yr 2000 Twizupdrawz family Union was a success – fille dwith laughter, fun and drama. See you at the next runion next yr!!