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SERMON:
Church suppose to start at 10 am and Pastor NYAH showed up late sey im jus a come fram di haspital. The congregation was shocked to hear this and you could hear them gasping eager to find out why. Pastor Nyah preached: Good morning church. I have a revelation from di Almighty to preach about the air dat wi tek in everyday. People! dat air wi breed outta door is not good! Di devil a wok wid di government fi pollute di air wid all sarta germsie sinting fi poisen God’s people. A it glog up mi lungs an sen mi straight ina di haspital. Is the Mercy of our Lord and Saviour mek mi neva choke to death (cough,cough).
Brother Q3210 yelled from the back: Passon Nyah ..would you associate this with past uses of the chalice?
Pastor Nyah was clearly embarrassed: Negative Q. God spirit touch mi soul and mi decide to give it up last week Friday when di Doctor tell mi seh di ganja not helping mi prablem wid Suga ..Anyway, unu please join me as mi read every chapta in di book of Psalms.. wi mus buck somting wha talk bout di air wi breed. Mi neva too prepare dis marning. Halleluya! Praise Him!
The sermon was interrupted by Sista FH who caught the spirit and threw herself on the floor, got up an did 4 cartwheels and start talk in “Tongues”. SISTA LACY had to calm her down an stuff har chess wid newspaper and gi har one nutmeg fi suck pon.... When she was subdued she said she thought she heard the Lord asked, “Do you want to be a millionaire?”.. an dats why mi was a kin pupa lick soh!
LACY held her and said: Hush FH, mek mi chant and sing an bring up the sprit of the good “séance”. Everybody looked on very frightened. FH bawled: Lacy, leggo haffa mi..mi nuh able u cawl up no dead duppy pon me. Lawd mi haffi go rub up wid some kalangah wata and tie mi head. Mi cant believe seh u plan fi turn Woopie pon mi and cawl up dead duppy.
NYAH: Sista Lacy in the name of Jesus I rebuke you! Please tap disturb di church service wid di obeah bizniz! Di obeah session will be held in our midnight service. For now keep that out of here. Now we shall have our inspirational Song by our very leggy ..I mean - lovely soloist:
SOLO
The church soloist QUEEN came forth to the podium and spoke: I believe that some people in this church do not feel loved and that some of the members of the church showing favoritism. Some a oono even kiss up too much to pastor NYAH. I was going to sing “To God be the Glory” but I will sing a more inspirational song for you. Queen took a deep breath and began to sing to the tune of “We are the World” by Michael Jackson et. al…
We are di Best Church .. We are di people..
We are di ones who make pastor richer .... So let’s stop giving..”
NYAH: But unu si mi dying trial? Sista Queen I will say a special prayer fi yuh grudgeful soul! People please continue to drop $10 or more in di callection basket an doan pay Sista Queen any mine. Is di devil get up in har dis marning. Are dere any announcements?
ANNOUNCEMENTS
Deacon DGEORGE stood up: Yes, I have a quick one. People please remember to support the church Music Trivia contest. Di winna of the contest will be sent on an all-expensive trip. Right now mi a do some research on which place unu can tek di trip outside of Jamaica. I need to mek it clear dat as God fearing church going people di contest was meant for Gospel music only. So far wi doan have any winners cause all di songs submitted to di contest is Rub-a-dub - duggu-duggu dancehall music and song unu hear pan commercials. Unu mean to tell mi seh not one a unu know any church music?
Sista SUSSANA stood up next: Just want the church to know that I have called in the Hexterminata Man to come an kill di cockroaches, 40 legs, gingy-gingy flies, mosquitoes, and ticks from out of the church. Breda PANMAN suspect that the problem started from the kitchen and spread into the church an him volunteer to tek out di trash fram di kitchen an clean di gutters to keep away di mosquitoes. He claims that he noticed chicken bones on the shop counta wid biting ants running all ova it. I also Tink Breda Q3210 sey im notice a Anocodo bug dat bite like di devil an look like a Jew. Dis remine of when strike Jerusulem wid locust and magots. May the Lord have mercy on us.
Deacon LAWX stood up next: “Brothers and Sisters last week as I was driving to di supamarket an mi “observed” that there is new Restaurant at the bottom of the hill. Mi actually went an “faas” in dere to si what dem sell. All I will sey is dat our Church Kitchen run by MS JAZZ may sell stale food but people!- di new restaurant sell somtings dat will mek yuh canstipate fi 40 days and 40 nights an sen yuh ina hospital wid trakie-otamy (a so it go?) ..Dem claim sey dem sell tings West Indian style. Pon di menu dere was jerk COW NAVEL. Forgive mi Lord for what I am about to say unda house of God but di sinting look like jerk jackass meat. Di church ask that yuh bear wid di church cook MS PEACHES for we know har food have not been tasting too good dese days, but she going through some things with the deputy and need our understanding. Just no buy nutten fram dat place.
NYAH: Praise the Lord Sista LAWX – cow navel is satan food an a warming unu church membas – no mek mi ketch none a unu dung a dat shap. Dis church need di money fi buy mi new respirator machine. Now, are dere any new visitors to Board Lane Pentecostal? Unu please stand and introduce unuself to the church.
NEW VISITORS
The first lady spoke: Hi my name is SENSAY and I am visiting unu church fi di fuss time from Mt Zion Poco Church. Dere are some tings I notice different about this church. Mi friten fi si so much ooman ina yah a breed an noh have on wedding ring. Mi was quite shack when mi come in dis marning an si di Deacon roun a back a smoke a cigarette. As yuh all know, wi Poco jumpas wrap wi self up ina sheet fram head to toel.. Excuse mi lang Maxi frack and tiehead pastor, but mi neva know dat batty rida was unu dress code. Dis is quite a culture shack fi mi!
Next Lady spoke: Good morning church brothers and sistas I am BRANDI an it took me a long time to find dis church an yuh not getting rid of me that easily. Jus want you all to know that I own a spa that you all are welcome to. I notice how the older folks like SISTA ROSE have alligata skin. Mi couldn’t help noticing how scaly everybody elbow is. All yuh need is some a Ms Brandi’s coconut oil and mineral bath remedy. I invite you all to a good scrub wid a loofa pad and some rub dung wid some Vaseline. All I ask in return is a quick Membaship to di church where I don’t have to fill out any forms an tek no Bible entrance exam. Without warning she caught the spirit and shouted: EXFOLIATE THOSE SCALES! Halleluya, GLORY BE!
Another lady spoke: Ello I am ONE FAITH and I have to confess as of dis marning mi loose di one degge degge faith mi had lef... Unu can help mi get back di faith if somebody can tell mi whe mi can fine a decent car hire place …cause imagine sey some a unu si mi a walk up di hill ina di pouring rain dis marning an not one a unu stap fi pick mi up. So by di mercy of the father I hope somebody can help mi get a car orelse mi naah cum back a unu church!.
Hi I am SHARON and all I have to say is I was hoping dat di pastor would preach a sermon explaining why black people havi go tru so much sufferation. Mi come yah fi lay down mi burden Cause God know sey mi caan bear it no more. Look how hard a black ooman like mi slave fi put food pon mi dinna table and come to fine out Satiday seh mi loose di hairdressa wok mi did have. Di white ooman mi work wid who caan even cream or press black people hair good, she still have har job. In closing let me jus say I have lost faith in the institution of Church, and I would love to find my way back to Church and GOD. Unu pray fi mi..cause Gad know mi tired a di sufferation
A lady in the back spoke: Blessed be to all Saints. I have been faasing in dis church fram outside an mi finally decide to join today. I truly feel BLESSED this morning and want to shout it out to the hills of ZION. Before I came to church this morning to get this blessing I was just plain Bev Brown.. But as of today the Lord has anointeth me BLESSEDLADYOFZIONFORMERLYKNOWNASBEVBROWN…
One of the church sisters turned and looked at the woman and raised her hand: “Hi Lady, my name is JAMDOWN3 an as a true church sista mek mi jus tell yuh sey mi naah bite up mi tongue fi call dat deh name dey. Pastor, I move di motion that we re-baptize har an re-name har “Sista B” and charge har $19.95 fi di headache caused by di name change. We can use dat money fi dis yr Church bar-b-que. Can I get a Amen?”
NYAH: Amen Sista Jamdown3. Caan wait fi di church Barb-que. I hope Sista LAXW will show up with har twin peaks dis year. MS PEACHES if you don’t mind, please wear underwear to the barb-que this yr. I am a man of God who need not to see all that flesh... Hehem! Anyone to be baptized today?
BAPTISM
Bredda Dacresa came forward. “Passon I waan to be baptized as a new Creature. For the past few months, the Lord has helped me come to terms with my feminine side. I even find my self baking Californian Tomali Pie, eating icecream late at nights with my girlfriends and cooking tun carnmeal with peas. I need to shed my old masculine self and be baptized and called ANDRESA. I want to feel as free as woman in the name of the father, son and the Holy Ghost!
NYAH: Dacresa before I can baptize yuh, I think you need therapy cause God caan help yuh ina di state yuh in right now... Well, my work here is done people. So may Gad Bless unu and si unu brite an early next Sunday wid unu purse full a money. Sista Lacy, si yuh at di Obeah session tonight – yuh hear? Unu walk Good.
Church suppose to start at 10 am and Pastor NYAH showed up late sey im jus a come fram di haspital. The congregation was shocked to hear this and you could hear them gasping eager to find out why. Pastor Nyah preached: Good morning church. I have a revelation from di Almighty to preach about the air dat wi tek in everyday. People! dat air wi breed outta door is not good! Di devil a wok wid di government fi pollute di air wid all sarta germsie sinting fi poisen God’s people. A it glog up mi lungs an sen mi straight ina di haspital. Is the Mercy of our Lord and Saviour mek mi neva choke to death (cough,cough).
Brother Q3210 yelled from the back: Passon Nyah ..would you associate this with past uses of the chalice?
Pastor Nyah was clearly embarrassed: Negative Q. God spirit touch mi soul and mi decide to give it up last week Friday when di Doctor tell mi seh di ganja not helping mi prablem wid Suga ..Anyway, unu please join me as mi read every chapta in di book of Psalms.. wi mus buck somting wha talk bout di air wi breed. Mi neva too prepare dis marning. Halleluya! Praise Him!
The sermon was interrupted by Sista FH who caught the spirit and threw herself on the floor, got up an did 4 cartwheels and start talk in “Tongues”. SISTA LACY had to calm her down an stuff har chess wid newspaper and gi har one nutmeg fi suck pon.... When she was subdued she said she thought she heard the Lord asked, “Do you want to be a millionaire?”.. an dats why mi was a kin pupa lick soh!
LACY held her and said: Hush FH, mek mi chant and sing an bring up the sprit of the good “séance”. Everybody looked on very frightened. FH bawled: Lacy, leggo haffa mi..mi nuh able u cawl up no dead duppy pon me. Lawd mi haffi go rub up wid some kalangah wata and tie mi head. Mi cant believe seh u plan fi turn Woopie pon mi and cawl up dead duppy.
NYAH: Sista Lacy in the name of Jesus I rebuke you! Please tap disturb di church service wid di obeah bizniz! Di obeah session will be held in our midnight service. For now keep that out of here. Now we shall have our inspirational Song by our very leggy ..I mean - lovely soloist:
SOLO
The church soloist QUEEN came forth to the podium and spoke: I believe that some people in this church do not feel loved and that some of the members of the church showing favoritism. Some a oono even kiss up too much to pastor NYAH. I was going to sing “To God be the Glory” but I will sing a more inspirational song for you. Queen took a deep breath and began to sing to the tune of “We are the World” by Michael Jackson et. al…
We are di Best Church .. We are di people..
We are di ones who make pastor richer .... So let’s stop giving..”
NYAH: But unu si mi dying trial? Sista Queen I will say a special prayer fi yuh grudgeful soul! People please continue to drop $10 or more in di callection basket an doan pay Sista Queen any mine. Is di devil get up in har dis marning. Are dere any announcements?
ANNOUNCEMENTS
Deacon DGEORGE stood up: Yes, I have a quick one. People please remember to support the church Music Trivia contest. Di winna of the contest will be sent on an all-expensive trip. Right now mi a do some research on which place unu can tek di trip outside of Jamaica. I need to mek it clear dat as God fearing church going people di contest was meant for Gospel music only. So far wi doan have any winners cause all di songs submitted to di contest is Rub-a-dub - duggu-duggu dancehall music and song unu hear pan commercials. Unu mean to tell mi seh not one a unu know any church music?
Sista SUSSANA stood up next: Just want the church to know that I have called in the Hexterminata Man to come an kill di cockroaches, 40 legs, gingy-gingy flies, mosquitoes, and ticks from out of the church. Breda PANMAN suspect that the problem started from the kitchen and spread into the church an him volunteer to tek out di trash fram di kitchen an clean di gutters to keep away di mosquitoes. He claims that he noticed chicken bones on the shop counta wid biting ants running all ova it. I also Tink Breda Q3210 sey im notice a Anocodo bug dat bite like di devil an look like a Jew. Dis remine of when strike Jerusulem wid locust and magots. May the Lord have mercy on us.
Deacon LAWX stood up next: “Brothers and Sisters last week as I was driving to di supamarket an mi “observed” that there is new Restaurant at the bottom of the hill. Mi actually went an “faas” in dere to si what dem sell. All I will sey is dat our Church Kitchen run by MS JAZZ may sell stale food but people!- di new restaurant sell somtings dat will mek yuh canstipate fi 40 days and 40 nights an sen yuh ina hospital wid trakie-otamy (a so it go?) ..Dem claim sey dem sell tings West Indian style. Pon di menu dere was jerk COW NAVEL. Forgive mi Lord for what I am about to say unda house of God but di sinting look like jerk jackass meat. Di church ask that yuh bear wid di church cook MS PEACHES for we know har food have not been tasting too good dese days, but she going through some things with the deputy and need our understanding. Just no buy nutten fram dat place.
NYAH: Praise the Lord Sista LAWX – cow navel is satan food an a warming unu church membas – no mek mi ketch none a unu dung a dat shap. Dis church need di money fi buy mi new respirator machine. Now, are dere any new visitors to Board Lane Pentecostal? Unu please stand and introduce unuself to the church.
NEW VISITORS
The first lady spoke: Hi my name is SENSAY and I am visiting unu church fi di fuss time from Mt Zion Poco Church. Dere are some tings I notice different about this church. Mi friten fi si so much ooman ina yah a breed an noh have on wedding ring. Mi was quite shack when mi come in dis marning an si di Deacon roun a back a smoke a cigarette. As yuh all know, wi Poco jumpas wrap wi self up ina sheet fram head to toel.. Excuse mi lang Maxi frack and tiehead pastor, but mi neva know dat batty rida was unu dress code. Dis is quite a culture shack fi mi!
Next Lady spoke: Good morning church brothers and sistas I am BRANDI an it took me a long time to find dis church an yuh not getting rid of me that easily. Jus want you all to know that I own a spa that you all are welcome to. I notice how the older folks like SISTA ROSE have alligata skin. Mi couldn’t help noticing how scaly everybody elbow is. All yuh need is some a Ms Brandi’s coconut oil and mineral bath remedy. I invite you all to a good scrub wid a loofa pad and some rub dung wid some Vaseline. All I ask in return is a quick Membaship to di church where I don’t have to fill out any forms an tek no Bible entrance exam. Without warning she caught the spirit and shouted: EXFOLIATE THOSE SCALES! Halleluya, GLORY BE!
Another lady spoke: Ello I am ONE FAITH and I have to confess as of dis marning mi loose di one degge degge faith mi had lef... Unu can help mi get back di faith if somebody can tell mi whe mi can fine a decent car hire place …cause imagine sey some a unu si mi a walk up di hill ina di pouring rain dis marning an not one a unu stap fi pick mi up. So by di mercy of the father I hope somebody can help mi get a car orelse mi naah cum back a unu church!.
Hi I am SHARON and all I have to say is I was hoping dat di pastor would preach a sermon explaining why black people havi go tru so much sufferation. Mi come yah fi lay down mi burden Cause God know sey mi caan bear it no more. Look how hard a black ooman like mi slave fi put food pon mi dinna table and come to fine out Satiday seh mi loose di hairdressa wok mi did have. Di white ooman mi work wid who caan even cream or press black people hair good, she still have har job. In closing let me jus say I have lost faith in the institution of Church, and I would love to find my way back to Church and GOD. Unu pray fi mi..cause Gad know mi tired a di sufferation
A lady in the back spoke: Blessed be to all Saints. I have been faasing in dis church fram outside an mi finally decide to join today. I truly feel BLESSED this morning and want to shout it out to the hills of ZION. Before I came to church this morning to get this blessing I was just plain Bev Brown.. But as of today the Lord has anointeth me BLESSEDLADYOFZIONFORMERLYKNOWNASBEVBROWN…
One of the church sisters turned and looked at the woman and raised her hand: “Hi Lady, my name is JAMDOWN3 an as a true church sista mek mi jus tell yuh sey mi naah bite up mi tongue fi call dat deh name dey. Pastor, I move di motion that we re-baptize har an re-name har “Sista B” and charge har $19.95 fi di headache caused by di name change. We can use dat money fi dis yr Church bar-b-que. Can I get a Amen?”
NYAH: Amen Sista Jamdown3. Caan wait fi di church Barb-que. I hope Sista LAXW will show up with har twin peaks dis year. MS PEACHES if you don’t mind, please wear underwear to the barb-que this yr. I am a man of God who need not to see all that flesh... Hehem! Anyone to be baptized today?
BAPTISM
Bredda Dacresa came forward. “Passon I waan to be baptized as a new Creature. For the past few months, the Lord has helped me come to terms with my feminine side. I even find my self baking Californian Tomali Pie, eating icecream late at nights with my girlfriends and cooking tun carnmeal with peas. I need to shed my old masculine self and be baptized and called ANDRESA. I want to feel as free as woman in the name of the father, son and the Holy Ghost!
NYAH: Dacresa before I can baptize yuh, I think you need therapy cause God caan help yuh ina di state yuh in right now... Well, my work here is done people. So may Gad Bless unu and si unu brite an early next Sunday wid unu purse full a money. Sista Lacy, si yuh at di Obeah session tonight – yuh hear? Unu walk Good.