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Early one Saturday morning, an old Ford pick up Van rolled into Board lane with boxes and barrels weighing down it’s back. In it was a lady wearing a dark purple lipstick and a broad straw hat and sunglasses. A group of ladies who were already conversing in the street saw the van stroll by. Their eyes wandering in a gaze, they began to snoop:
Jamdown3: Look like smaddy new a come ina di District. A wanda a who shi and an wha breeze blow har dis way sah…
Lawx: Whoever she bi ...a ongly hope she hav a passitive attitude an har mout smell right fi real!..
The lady walks over to the group of women to introduce herself, swishing her hips from side to side: “ello mi name is Benita Roach. Dem call mi Bashey cause ..well, look pon mi , mi well Bashey caan done. Mi notice sey unu noh stap stare mi dung fram mi fren drive mi up ina di lane. Mi noh come fi look war wid unu still, mi jus hope in due time mi wi get di full hundred pon di people dem weh live bout yah ..especially di genkleman dem.”
No one responded. One of the ladies came forward to break the ice…
Alpha:Welcome to di neighbahood Bashey. I am di one dem helected to hofficially wish all di new people dem hall di cordiality and generasity wi hov to affa..I ope you will love an tek care a di community like yuh own. Wi hope dat yuh will also mix well wid di people dem when yuh meet wid dem. …walk good Love..
Bashey: Tanks and nice to meet unu. I gone to unpack mi luggage. Si unu around..
**as she walked away**
Nuffness: Unu eva si duppy yet fram unu barn?? Well mi know bout duppy an if she noh feva one mi change mi name!Hey, Hey ..den unu si how har foot dem dutty and she ina slippas? Smaddy need fi tell har put lickle lotion pan har ankle and cut dem ingrown toenail deh
Jadine: No man she tink she tink it hard fo go a docta go get sintin fi dem heep a fungus nails ..she tink she too nice and bashey .. a walk an galang like she a runway moggle
Jooks:She look like smaddy weh wi mix well fi true.. Si she ready fi goh mix up an blend up wid di man dem arredi ..a come talk bout she waan di full hundred.. she waan I gi har a Full Hundred lick ina har head wid som roasing breadfruit! ---- ***laughter from all the women****
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Two Gates down on the street corner were a bunch of rowdy men playing Dominoes:
CeeW: SIX LOVE MI A GI ANYBODY WHO WAAN TES TIDEY – who want it?? .. who hole di bouble six – pose it blurt naught!
Bandido1: Six Love wah? No mek mi laugh yah boss. A school mi come fi school unu likkle bway pon big man Dominoe game..
Kalikan: Your rope soon come to a en Bway. Double Six Pose an tap di small talk!
One of the gentleman was distracted from the game.. ** touching CeeW on the shoulder**
Kingman: Bleeze Fire!! Yuh si dah bashment ting whe jus come outta di Jeep Rasta?
CeeW:**Slapped Kingman across the head!** Yuh a ediat? Dat look like Jeep to yuh betren? Yuh noh si a one ole Jelapi Open back Hog van dat.. but di gal Bashey fi real.. watch di Bumpa Cart back a dat blurt naught!!! ..wooooiiii ..Massi! A want a lick an run offa dat.
KingMan: **Kiss teet** Lick offa wah? Yuh noh si mi name mark all ova dem batty jaw deh. Mi a di King of all Batty exercise and mi can spot a behine weh well work out any day. A mi a get fus lick off a dat – sey bet!
CeeW: Rasta move fram beside mi wid di Batty exercise argument yuh hear sah!
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A DAY LATER..
**Ring Ring**
Bashey: haaaaalo..who dis? ..chat to mi!
KingMan: Hey is dis di nice freash lady dat move in yestiday?
Bashey: True dat, true dat.. fresh an green like money machine ..a who dis ?
KingMan: Well dem call mi King …cause yuh done know sey every Kingdom mus have a rula ..an a mi run dis yuh si mi- whe dem call yuh?
Bashey: Well mi moda gi mi name Benita but call mi Bashey .. Spelt B-A-S-H-E-Y. A ongle hope yuh can spell cause nutten mi hate like when people caan spell mi name right.
KingMan: Fi real dowe .. mi a one top knoch Spella from primary school days yuhnoh. But a noh school bizniz mi cawl yuh bout still..
Bashey: Oh! Is dat soh?
Kingman: Yeahman ..si now true yuh caan talk certain tings roun dis Lane too tough mongst certain babylon who call demself Moderators mi haffi call yuh in private fi tawk bout how mi an yuh can link up fi do di ting people do ina di dawk….ketch mi drift?
Bashey: But yuh bold an bumptious!!.. but a soh mi like when a man live an direct.. wi can do dis.. how about afta dawk roun 2 midnight a.m.?
KingMan: Fi real???? A soh yuh CHEAP?? … mi mean .. a soh yuh SWEET???
That wee hours of the morning the two met as planned. The night got a little steamy:
Kingman: sweetie-pie---- woooooooooooooooo, das my spot. yeahhhh babyyyy ..mi a di king ..ummmmmmm woooooooo yeah ..(he continued to moan and praise himself during the act) ... ummmmmmm mi body so hard..uuumm mi soh goood…uuuummmmm ..I am really the man ..look howe mi a hangle di ting right…
Bashey: Hey! Easy idoit!!! …a weh yuh a do??.. If yuh a goh talk bout yuself all dam night , slow down an anounciate your words praperly.. When yuh done mek mi know.. .** she fell sleep immediately **
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ONE MONTH LATER:
Bashey woke up feeling slightly faint and nauseated. She didn’t know what to think. She went to the Mid-wife that lived couple blocks up the street:
Bashey called out as she knocked on her door: Nurse Tird yeye!!!! Open Up!! Mi sick, mi sick, mi sick like a daag!! …Help mi – Do!
Third Eye: (as she opened the door) Wha wrang wid yuh Young Ms?
Bashey: Mi a trow up fram marning Ms Tird Eye..mi yeye dem at un ova ina mi head ..mi nose look like it all a get bigga! Every ting a swell up pon mi!
Third Eye: Gal Pickney!! Mi have news fi yuh gal.. YUH A BREED!!!
Bashey:Look MS Tird Yeye …mine mi haffi fling two bakkle inyah..No tell mi soh!!
ThirdEye: Well likkle bit fram dis di only bakkle yuh a goh fling is baby nipple bakkle ..Mi dear get ready fi Canstipation, di gas pain, Excess Wata!, Swell up Nipple, Stretch Mark!, Mood Swing!..gal yuh goh feel it to behine!!.. when time come fi Dacta cut yuh open yuh a goh waan bawl out : “JAH WHY ME?!!" .. By di way a who yuh a breed fah? Noh tell mi seh a di carelis bwaay Kingman!!
Bashey: Lawd Ms Tird Yeye I doan even know.. Mi an im do it pon a regula ..but CeeW lick an run off now again…. But mi feel seh a fi Kingman.
ThirdEye: So what yuh gwine do now misis cause dem church people roun here very, very strict pon di abortion issue yuhnoh!! Dem wi walk an crucify yuh if dem hear sey yuh a walking cemetery!
Bashey: No mi naah dash it weh ..mi agoh tell Kingman seh a fi im an im haffi married mi arlese mi a goh mek puppa chap up im BongoCart!
Bashey thanked Ms ThirdEye for her advice and began her journey up di road to Kingman’s Yaad. She spotted him kicking football wid im gang a fren dem.
Bashey: Hey Kingman ..come yah mek a tell yuh something .. a want to tell yuh a small likkle ting dat jus come up.
Kingman: A wha now? How yuh jus a falla back a big man soh dutty foot gal?
Bashey: MI A CARRY BELLY FI YUH DUTTY BWAY!!!
Kingman’s friends looked in their direction amused at what they just over heard. They busted into heavy laughter at KingMan.
Prince: Yow Betren, it look like yuh a goh need a lawya, insurance man, undataka, minista an marrige counsla, financial advisor an parole affica ..hole one mi busniess cyard cause yuh a goh need it…. Jus memba seh mi noh deal wid personal check ..cause everybady done know seh yuh have bad credit
CeeW: (laughing hard) wooiii Fi REAL!! .. Racko Ricos a wha di blood cleet mi a hear sah.? ..Yow Kingman, do like mi do an carry dat wanga-gut sketel dung a Missa Chin mek im gi har some of rusty nail water, Coca-Cola and baking soda fi drink..shi naah goh know di difference between it an coolaid how she craven..
KingMan: Unu can gwan laugh.. Mi agoh tek care a my responsibility an gi har di wedding ring. Mi naah mek my yout suffa like fi unu half starve one dem a country…
CeeW: Yow betren, yuh sure seh a fi yuh yout yuh a run up yuh mout?..how yuh know seh noh badyelse noh lick dat an run like teif ina di night?
Kingman: **kiss teet** yuh noh know wha di hell yuh a talk bout. A my yout dat an mi an Bashey a goh do di wedding ting. .. A true yuh noh sey mi well educated bout parent hood… mi all know how fi cut aff di baby ”umbiblical“ card!
Bandido1 (muttered as KingMan walked away leaving the game..): Dat country bway foo-fool an chat pure fart jus like “Big Bway” .. **laughter **
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One Week later: THE WEDDING
FH did her very best to avoid having the wedding on her Verandah but none of the local Churches would agree to hold the ceremony. Pastor Petiman also declined to marry the couple because he saw nutten but di devil in dem.. Their last alternative was Jamdown3. Tables were set out on the Verandah with empty bottles holding sticks of sweet smelling incense. FH brought out what was left of her peppered lights and did the best she could to accessorize with wild bush and red ribbons.
As the guest poured in one by one she greeted them with arms waving and shouting : “ Fresh patties, ice cold drinks, box dinner, peanut and peppered swimps for sale. Step up and get dem while dem last..everyting fah $5. .. (wispering to herself) Wah ah whole heap ah ppl out yah todeh, mi sure to mek some good money before di day done... Brownsugga was making herself useful by taking Instant Polaroid Pictures of the event. As the guests stood (no seating was available) waiting for the happy couple to appear, some grew very wary. Conversations were spewing among the guests all over the place about every and anything as they waited:
Sharee: (fanning herself ) Mi stress out bad .. a di fus wedding mi eva stress ova soh
Islandmutt: Girl relax yuself .. Like Bob marley seh: when likkle music lick yuh, yuh wi feel no pain ..wait til dem start play some Beres and Luciano yu wi airight..Mi noh know what yuh a stress yuh self ova!
Sharee: How yuh mean? ..yuh noh si a who married tidey..dat tyrant whe name Bashey boun fi fling some kina bakkle or buss some kine a gun tidey if anybady look pon an har too tough.. I jus doan know whey fe do fi calm mi nerves. How unno relieve unu stress?
Q3210: Like how mi dehso close to yuh Sharee ..come here mek mi rub dung …mi mean - massage yuh back and shouldas noh!Likkle lata wi can goh watch di squirrels run up and dung di tree an den wi fallow up wid some “stretching exercise”..
Sharee: But Q – yuh noh easy, “stretching exercise”??? ..yuh tink mi noh know sey a one-night stan yuh a look noh….. Fus of all, dat is not di fus step you should take in a relationship. A dem same “stretching exercise” cause dat crassis gal dat a get a married tideh en up a breed as she lan ina di lane. Noh badda come stress mi out more dan mi stress yah now – yuh hear mi sah! (still fanning)
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Mire’: Is wha kina program dis dem people yah print up wid all dem wrang spelling every weh. Mi caan mek head ar tails wha di program a sey to cow back foot.. Look pon dis:
[ Rezeption keduled to be in the yaad back Honda the Zink tent]
Is a crying shame how dem grown people soh backwod and dunce!!
Susanna: An mek mattas worse di program five pages lang!!.. Good Grief di sinting is like a 5 pound steak as much as mi love steak, mi naah read troo disyah lang program ..mi waan fi know if a soh disyah wedding a goh lang!
Pinkeylou:Bwoy Mire’..I did some hextensive research on di topic of intelligence and genetics ..an mi get fi fine out seh a so wi black folks dunce Misis!!.. Di white people dem and di Chiney dem a gi wi dankey lenghts by 85% ..all mi noh know why mi a badda kill up miself a school fah and studies show sey mi a goh dunce anyway!
Dr. Dudd: Child tap chat fart!! Fimi IQ ova 140 and I am a proud memba of MENSA ( Men who Expose Non-Spellers Association).. an mi know mi a noh ULTRA JEW!!
PinkeyLou: Lowks Doctor Dudd a sinting mi read up ina one book By well known African Studies author name: Aimé N.L.L.L. Olenga .. mi tink im did know wha im a talk bout ..but im look like ima full mi head wid foolishness… Neva mine den
To the corner a man stood in disbelieve as he overheard PinkeyLou’s conversation. He leaned to over his right shoulder to converse with Jooks.
Kalikan: Bway some people fool fool eeh man!!
Witchy woman: How dare you call mi a fool Kalikan!! I think I'll just consider the source... Bless you too!"
Kalikan: But a wha di R**? ..Did I call anybody name MAM?? Yuh hear mi seh Witchy ooman yuh is a dam fool ?!! .. well if di cap fits...put on di beret!!
Witchy woman: Do you know I have multiple distress disorder and shouldn’t even be at this wedding? Do you know I suffer from dyslexia and sickle cell anemia ?? Your comments could have well sent me into shock and possible cause me to get a second stroke… Jesas while yuh up dere listening in ..... Couldja please do one of two things: Either take me now, or quit the heart pains today, coz I CAN'T STAND THIS PAIN ANYMORE right now... PLEASE!!!
Kalikan: Ooman if yuh a goh drop dead, jus dead an done ar tap di R** nize a mi head !! Peace be onto to you. Goh thy way cause Duppy know who fi fritten!!
Witchy Woman: Well Kalikan, I don’t have to stay here and lissen to your nonsense.. DAMN!!! I'm getting pains again (holding her chest). I have to leave and find my damn nitro pills…BYE!!
Jooks: Bway Kalikan Witchy Trow mi off bad .. mi tink a joke di ooman did a mek ..mi all did tink di pain in har chest was a joke matta ..it look like Witchy tun di two a wi ina fool
Kalikan: **sigh** Jooks, All now mi caan explain why dis ooman tink mi a talk to she ..mi neva even si har tan up deh soh.. mek har gwaan, cause mi noh able she goh collapse an tell Dacta lie sey a mi do lick har dung!!
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On the other side of the yard:
Chance: Queen, Yuh si dat cute likkle ting wid di frekkles an di bug yeye dem whe tek up tree quarta har face a siddung sida Phanzo?.. Hook mi up wid har noh! How mi can meet har? Something about dem bulging yeye an cute face and di 60s hairdo that gets to me every time mi si har in the district. Plus it look like di one Phanzo a tun deodorant unda har arm an she in need fi smaddy rescue har.
Queen: Chancey dearie... di big bulb yeye girl is Wendy…and dat 60s hairdo yuh talkiing bout is a nutten but a stale wig. Dearest, a she a di neighbahood Suss Pot yuh noh! Yuh sure yuh waan tek a chance wid dat deh Lizzard mout gal?
Chance: Look Queen dem doan call mi “Chance” fi nutten .. Mi tek any Chance mi can get fi jump pon anyting dat have curvey hip.. Aldowe one time mi goh jump pon one ooman dat did have a breeda Coco- bakkle shape deh an when mi tek a stock a di one ova dehso name Panman did a walk di street ina ooman sinting. A nearly dead wid shack!! Misis it hard fi mi fi tell if dem a bwoy or is dem a gyal!
Queen:Hush yuh mout Chance! an mine yuh mek people hear dem deh sinting deh carry back goh tell people! Mi wi introduce yuh to har a di cookout next week. Hole tite.. But when yuh business en up outta road no badda come blame mi cause a yuh sey yuh waan mix up yuself wid har an har flippa mout - awoh!
Suddenly, there was a lady shouting from the top of the Verandah steps to get everyone’s attention:
Alabaster: SILENCE PEOPLE - I JUST GOT A NEW BABY!!!! ..a joke me a mek (giggling) .. on a serious note unu tap di nize .. DI BRIDE AN GROOM A COME!!
They could all see Kingman walking hastily towards the Verandah dragging Bashey readily behind. The crowd looked at the couple in disgust - some staring in the sky as if to pray, some giggling, some shaking head in disbelief. They finally placed themselves before Jamdown3. The crowd was silent:
Jamdown3: Dearly Beloved we are gathered here on dis blessed Tuesday to join togedda Bashey and Kingman in holy misery …mi mean MATRIMONY. KingMan Do you promise to accept Bashey shart and long comings?.. do yu promise to cook, rake up di yaad an fix up di front door?
Bashey Interrupted: ”mek im pramise fi goh back a JAMAL fi goh learn fi spell to cause reading is fundamental!!”
KingMan:Shut up yuh mout noh Gal!! True yuh jus learn fi spell yuh wan come exercise it ina public! … No Your Honor I Do not!
Jamdown3: KingMan, dis is not a courtroom ..a who yuh a call “Your Honor”.. (giggling) OK, Bashey do you Promise….
Bashey: No badda ask mi fi promise nutten enoh Ms, cause di ansa is plain NO. Jus mek wi put on di ring an cantinue on wid di service please..
Jamdown3: Well aright den, Can anyone ere give reason why these two shouldn’t be joined in holy matrimony? Speak now....
Brownsugga: YES! Di dutty gal a breed fi CeeW!! .. This startled the guest and the commotion started.
KingMan: SEY WHA?? SHE A BREED FI WHO?.. Well since a yuh fuss cheat, Yuh owe mi one tuff foot gal! …but mi naah sey nutten! I jus gwine get some skins and gwaan cool – watch!!
Bashey was vexed and grabbed one of the bottles from the table, throwing the incense on the floor. She threatened KingMan: “Get Skins which part!!, yuh waan mi bruck dah bakkle ina yuh head punk?!!
FH: (stepping between them) cho! Dis sound like foolishniss to mi ..Bashey, yuh is a virago and ah teggareg and ah real never-see-come-see. Mek yuh a gwaan soh.? ...mi wouldn go as far fi suggess oonu kiss an mek up, but just cease and seckle, nuh? Mi noh waan noh bakkkle fight pon mi Varandah!!
Bashey turned to FH and pushed the bottle in her face planting it on her nose, she said: “Hey gal me wi tump you dung yuhnoh, yuh know mi?. Whe di whole a un noh mine unu bizniz an tap worry bout mi an mi belly an who mi deh wid!”
FH backed away slowly and walked towards her front door.. she opened it went inside calmly. Within 2 minutes came back out brandishing an the biggest OOZIE any one had ever seen.
“Look here nuh Bashey-Quaashie don't ramp wid me seen? Di nex time u try push bockle inna mi face, u will haffi ansa to dis, seen? “
Blessed: (seemingly excited by the FH’s gun threat) Yes G.I. FH! Mi noh know weh yuh get dat fram ..but what a gyal bright a push up bokkle inna big ooman face … if it was mi, mi wouldn tek dat from she..... Yes duty gyal Bashey…mine yu get shat from FH! Yuh tink mi noh know sey yuh grudge mi jus tru seh mi fresh an clean!! Blaze har up FH!!
Jazz: Merciful heavenly faada - keep me safe fram dese warring people.... but Bashey - yuh nuh easy ah backside, yuh waan tek on FH - yuh nuh know seh ah de wrang ooman dat fe yuh ramp wid -she wi mash yu up! - FH... do puddung de gun - yuh nuh si how it big - mine yuh hab baddy cum dung!
Dacresa: Mek mi dis pull up mi stool an open up mi foot pon di verandah fi ketch dis war yah!!.. Lawd mi did jealous sey dem two was di fus fi get married pon di Lane but di way mi si dis a wedding a gwaan mi still have a chance fi fuss smaddy.. Tenk yuh Jesas!
JamBrit: Bwaay, dis is betta dan JERRY SPRINGER to rahtid!!! Wooooo..it sweet mi! Is a pity noh chair noh dehyah fi dem fling ina one aneda head like dem do pon Jerry!
Meanwhile Bashey was out for more war, bottles continue to fly as she aimed carelessly at Kingman’s head not caring for the crowd. Guest scattered and ducked flying bottles:
Alpha: Dis exciting man! Action/romance/adventure. FH trus mi one bag a popcorn deh!!. Yes, please wid butta and salt. Awrite chrow een one coca-cola tu. Seh what? People a use dat fi clean cyar injin an tielit bowl?!?! Gimme a cream soda den. Tanks ..( eat, drink) belch!
BlessedLadyOfZion: Wooii FH Yuh have any “Sex pon di Beach”?.. pass one gi mi deh!! Di hole-a mi baddy ago bun mi tomorrow, espeshally mi back but mi noh caah! Gi mi di strang version cause if mi noh knack mi self out, dat dam Bashey gal a goh tek bakkle an lick mi out harself!! ... what a prekke woulda inyah tidey!!
Cho*****: ( lying flat on the ground) Laad Jesas mi head skull buss now.. . one bokkle just lick mi inna di back a mi head.. Laad Oyyee mi nuh ave nuh medical hinsurance. ..Laad a weh mi agoh get money fi sew back up mi head.... Cuh pon Blood a drip pon mi white shirt.. Jesas it look like mi head buss bad fi true .. Mi have fi goh set up fund fi build back mi head now…Lawd wooo mi a goh tan yah bleed to deat now!!
The scene was frightening! Scores of people flocked through the front gate in fear of being hit by flying bottles. FH fired two shots in the air – BRAP BRAP!!! “Unu come outta mi yaad!! Wedding dun and Reception cancel fi di night..UNU CUM OUT - unu set a sh*t House!!
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NEXT DAY AFTER THE WEDDING:
Bashey woke up early the next morning not feeling too pleased with the events that took place at the wedding. She stepped over KingMan who was sleeping on the floor with a knife in his hand. She left the house and walked to the letterbox to see what mail came in. She was hoping a love letter arrived from CeeW to ease her already discontented mind. She saw only one letter addressed to the Bride and Groom from Brownsugga. She took the package inside and woke her husband:
Bashey: HEY HANGMAN.. mi mean Kingwhateva! Package come fi di two a wi from di gal name Brownsugga..
KingMan: Open it noh gal.. Yuh need big man fi tell yuh dat ..an address mi as King when yuh a talk to mi to.
Bashey: King mi backside! Yuh lip dem lang like fi KingFish bout King.. anyway .. mek mi open it an si a wha… Oh a di wedding pictra dem.. she write one small note ..mek a read it fi yuh cause seeing as yuh caan spell mi noh tink yuh caan read eida!!… IT SEY:
Dear Kingman and Bashey, yuh wedding was di wos wedding mi eva goh but mi was glad to be a part a di drama (She stops reading) …but yuh si libatty teking Kingy?? . ..(she continues).. Enclosed are one dozen and 12 photograph mi tek a unu wedding. PS: Kingman Sarry yuh pictra dem neva come out good. Fi some reason di negative dem come out blank wid “Unable to Display” write pon dem ..Love, Brownsugga
Bashey: Hey heya! If a laugh inyah tidey a dead!.. yuh soh blasted ugly dat di ooman camara reject yuh face ..yuh noh shame? Look how mi come out pretty? … Ketch big smile an sexy bady pose … wooii ketch mi a fling di whole heap a bakkle dem...Mi look nice eeh?
Kingman: Yuh noh si how yuh feva any likkle quaashie? ..all yuh pickny dem a counry is now 4 years old an yuh nat even now a who a dem puppa!..gwey gyal and guh look fi u pickny daddy dem. .. yuh likkle sketel bamma!
Bashey: Hey dutty batty half starvin bwoy.. mi si yuh skettel mumma a beg man fe wuk har off and she we pay dem… just leggo aff a my pickney dem seen… and go help you likkle fishy madda sell har self. ..me dun talk!!!!!!!!!!!
Kingman: (reached under the bed and grabbed his Bee-bee gun) pow pow pow!! one inna de ediot gyal foot. pow one inna har back, pow pow.! one inna har head. *Pow Pow!!*. mi did a tell doan mess around wid mi an mi mumma!!
Bashey ran out of the house and headed for the rubbish heap an picked up some empty bottles: “ Mi an im Grass Cawt tidey ..im noh know a who mi.. (running back into the house ) **fling bakkle** .. **fling tree more bakkle** .. Tek yuh R** outta mi place orelse a gwine kill yuh an bury yuh *** roun a back!! .**fling 2 Bokkle BOOM** …**curtain ketch a fire**
The commotion could be heard around the Lane. Neighbors started to protrude head first to take in the drama. The restaurant owner was crawling out of the restaurant on all fours:
Jazz: Genkle Jesas meek an mile ..a feel like a hav less dan 24 hours lef fi live ina disyah war zone yah. Wid di whole heap a gun shot an bakkle boom whe a fly wound di place I cayn tink bout nutten else but mortality…Jesas Lowd reddeem wi!
Dumplin: (following Jazz) Ms Jazz as yuh talk bout dat mek a goh make sure that I purchase some life insurance right dis minute.. an goh mek up a will cause mi noh tink wi have 24 hours lef on disyah eart . IS JUDGEMENT DAY DIS!!
Couple houses down the block:
Dacresa: Yuh know what?..Mek wi go inna di house an pull di curtain fi ketch di war for mi no able fi no bakkle or gunshot fi come ruin mi good looks. Lawd what a calamity Jane inyah tidey!
Mire: (looking out from her window) What A bunch a uncircumcised Philistines, who liganistic, leggo leggo carrying ann a gwaan precious Lord!!! Lawd dem a quarrel an noh si dem house a bun dung!!
The lady in the big White House was visible angry and started yelling:
Blessed: Smaddy call di Police mek dem tek dat crebe an hawl har out a dis yah lane cause she a bring dung di propaty value!!!
Bashey fired back: “Blessed,you try dont badda put your mouth inna dis. Cause me know even do you gawn like you a name brand you wear me see you come out Costco wid a bag of verscratche not versache and you mossilimo. So dont make me buss fe you secret!”
Kalikan: Doan worry Ms Blessed I teking care a dat right now cause big man wuk a nite an can't even get a good days sleep seka a rusty chimmey a fly troo dem window !..
“Hello Police...yes mam sen a patrol cyar ova by di mad Lane fi mi nuh...an sen some So-ja too...an yuh know wha, yuh betta call Madden as well. ...No nobady nuh ded yet I don't tink, but if dem nuh kill dem wan annada...or di police an so-ja nuh kill nun a dem...dem I most certainly will. No mam me an nubabby nuh inna nuh fite but a don't tek litely fi have rusty chimmy a fly inna mi bed...unu mekase cause a mi cutlass mi a get ready fi draw yah now! **click**
Soon the police siren was sounding in the near distance. When the lead police car pulled up infront of Bashey’s burning house. Out came an officer –gun in hands:
Prince: YOW!!!! DE OUSE IS SURROUNDED NOBODY MOVE, NOBODY GET URT ..wait unu neva know sey mi a police to! A juss troo it cyan hold pon mi business cayrd mek unu noh know dat .. but anyway - Kyan anybaddy tell mi whe demya two likkle bun up backyawd bowleg pigeon foot knock knee people yah a quarrel bout.
Slick: I doan know wah di Bongo Cart a gwaan.. mi jus come on yah an all mi ask - not a soul naah ansa mi
Lisa: If a nat mistaken, Mi tink a becaw Kingman caan spell mek Bashey a stone him.
Prince: Airight neva mine -it noh matta – lookyah Bashey, yu betta go tek care a de likkle piece a man whe wi gi yu an tank de lawd sey yu get a man…Right now unu have bigga prablems pon unu han .. ..si unu bun dung di house wid every striking ting in deh an unu neva buy noh insurance fram mi fi cova it… soh unu goose cook!
Bashey: A true yuhnoh Kingy.. wi noh have a ting lef ..di whole place bun dung lef so-so dry wood.. a whe wi a goh do now??
Kingman: Yuh wan wi jus goh some weh far fi cool aff a likkle bit?
Bashey: Yuh mean like a honeymoon vacation field trip?
Kingman Yah Man ..one honeymoon vacation.. come wi goh a Italy noh!
Bashey: Which part dey baby?
Kaingman: Some place ina France, right side a China.. yuh waan goh?
Bashey: Yes mi honey bun .snookums, Cherri pie .. (put dung bakkle) **kiss, kiss**
Sharee: oooooh now if dem two is nat a ideal mate I doan know who is ..
Beluved: Oh Glory to God in Heaven !! I feel like singing a chorus: Every body Join mi in singing praises!!
It's over now
It's over now
I feel like I can make it
the storm is over now.
No more cloudy days
they are gone away
I feel like I can make it
The storm is over now.
And so it was. Kingman and Bashey went to Italy, France for their honeymoon. The thick black smoke began to clear. The community came together to rebuild. Broken bottles were swept away from the streets. As they labored hard to get the community back together the sentiments seemed to signal the end of chaos and better days to come:
Alpha: Jezzas Sayvia ! I neva did tink wi hooda get likkle peace inna di lane agen. Fram dem two hanimal move een, wi haffi deh worry seh curfew deggo paas! Solja, police, one likkle conman wah call eeself insurance/minista/undataka an a hole heepa adda tings!
Secret Lover: Yuh neva seh a betta ting Alpha .mi tink a mi one did tired a al di warring. It neva look good in a di yard wid alldi pickney dem a run roun .. Tank Gad it done wid! Unu tink dem a goh come back alive???
Jamdown3: Look like smaddy new a come ina di District. A wanda a who shi and an wha breeze blow har dis way sah…
Lawx: Whoever she bi ...a ongly hope she hav a passitive attitude an har mout smell right fi real!..
The lady walks over to the group of women to introduce herself, swishing her hips from side to side: “ello mi name is Benita Roach. Dem call mi Bashey cause ..well, look pon mi , mi well Bashey caan done. Mi notice sey unu noh stap stare mi dung fram mi fren drive mi up ina di lane. Mi noh come fi look war wid unu still, mi jus hope in due time mi wi get di full hundred pon di people dem weh live bout yah ..especially di genkleman dem.”
No one responded. One of the ladies came forward to break the ice…
Alpha:Welcome to di neighbahood Bashey. I am di one dem helected to hofficially wish all di new people dem hall di cordiality and generasity wi hov to affa..I ope you will love an tek care a di community like yuh own. Wi hope dat yuh will also mix well wid di people dem when yuh meet wid dem. …walk good Love..
Bashey: Tanks and nice to meet unu. I gone to unpack mi luggage. Si unu around..
**as she walked away**
Nuffness: Unu eva si duppy yet fram unu barn?? Well mi know bout duppy an if she noh feva one mi change mi name!Hey, Hey ..den unu si how har foot dem dutty and she ina slippas? Smaddy need fi tell har put lickle lotion pan har ankle and cut dem ingrown toenail deh
Jadine: No man she tink she tink it hard fo go a docta go get sintin fi dem heep a fungus nails ..she tink she too nice and bashey .. a walk an galang like she a runway moggle
Jooks:She look like smaddy weh wi mix well fi true.. Si she ready fi goh mix up an blend up wid di man dem arredi ..a come talk bout she waan di full hundred.. she waan I gi har a Full Hundred lick ina har head wid som roasing breadfruit! ---- ***laughter from all the women****
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Two Gates down on the street corner were a bunch of rowdy men playing Dominoes:
CeeW: SIX LOVE MI A GI ANYBODY WHO WAAN TES TIDEY – who want it?? .. who hole di bouble six – pose it blurt naught!
Bandido1: Six Love wah? No mek mi laugh yah boss. A school mi come fi school unu likkle bway pon big man Dominoe game..
Kalikan: Your rope soon come to a en Bway. Double Six Pose an tap di small talk!
One of the gentleman was distracted from the game.. ** touching CeeW on the shoulder**
Kingman: Bleeze Fire!! Yuh si dah bashment ting whe jus come outta di Jeep Rasta?
CeeW:**Slapped Kingman across the head!** Yuh a ediat? Dat look like Jeep to yuh betren? Yuh noh si a one ole Jelapi Open back Hog van dat.. but di gal Bashey fi real.. watch di Bumpa Cart back a dat blurt naught!!! ..wooooiiii ..Massi! A want a lick an run offa dat.
KingMan: **Kiss teet** Lick offa wah? Yuh noh si mi name mark all ova dem batty jaw deh. Mi a di King of all Batty exercise and mi can spot a behine weh well work out any day. A mi a get fus lick off a dat – sey bet!
CeeW: Rasta move fram beside mi wid di Batty exercise argument yuh hear sah!
--------------------------------------------
A DAY LATER..
**Ring Ring**
Bashey: haaaaalo..who dis? ..chat to mi!
KingMan: Hey is dis di nice freash lady dat move in yestiday?
Bashey: True dat, true dat.. fresh an green like money machine ..a who dis ?
KingMan: Well dem call mi King …cause yuh done know sey every Kingdom mus have a rula ..an a mi run dis yuh si mi- whe dem call yuh?
Bashey: Well mi moda gi mi name Benita but call mi Bashey .. Spelt B-A-S-H-E-Y. A ongle hope yuh can spell cause nutten mi hate like when people caan spell mi name right.
KingMan: Fi real dowe .. mi a one top knoch Spella from primary school days yuhnoh. But a noh school bizniz mi cawl yuh bout still..
Bashey: Oh! Is dat soh?
Kingman: Yeahman ..si now true yuh caan talk certain tings roun dis Lane too tough mongst certain babylon who call demself Moderators mi haffi call yuh in private fi tawk bout how mi an yuh can link up fi do di ting people do ina di dawk….ketch mi drift?
Bashey: But yuh bold an bumptious!!.. but a soh mi like when a man live an direct.. wi can do dis.. how about afta dawk roun 2 midnight a.m.?
KingMan: Fi real???? A soh yuh CHEAP?? … mi mean .. a soh yuh SWEET???
That wee hours of the morning the two met as planned. The night got a little steamy:
Kingman: sweetie-pie---- woooooooooooooooo, das my spot. yeahhhh babyyyy ..mi a di king ..ummmmmmm woooooooo yeah ..(he continued to moan and praise himself during the act) ... ummmmmmm mi body so hard..uuumm mi soh goood…uuuummmmm ..I am really the man ..look howe mi a hangle di ting right…
Bashey: Hey! Easy idoit!!! …a weh yuh a do??.. If yuh a goh talk bout yuself all dam night , slow down an anounciate your words praperly.. When yuh done mek mi know.. .** she fell sleep immediately **
---------------------------------------------
ONE MONTH LATER:
Bashey woke up feeling slightly faint and nauseated. She didn’t know what to think. She went to the Mid-wife that lived couple blocks up the street:
Bashey called out as she knocked on her door: Nurse Tird yeye!!!! Open Up!! Mi sick, mi sick, mi sick like a daag!! …Help mi – Do!
Third Eye: (as she opened the door) Wha wrang wid yuh Young Ms?
Bashey: Mi a trow up fram marning Ms Tird Eye..mi yeye dem at un ova ina mi head ..mi nose look like it all a get bigga! Every ting a swell up pon mi!
Third Eye: Gal Pickney!! Mi have news fi yuh gal.. YUH A BREED!!!
Bashey:Look MS Tird Yeye …mine mi haffi fling two bakkle inyah..No tell mi soh!!
ThirdEye: Well likkle bit fram dis di only bakkle yuh a goh fling is baby nipple bakkle ..Mi dear get ready fi Canstipation, di gas pain, Excess Wata!, Swell up Nipple, Stretch Mark!, Mood Swing!..gal yuh goh feel it to behine!!.. when time come fi Dacta cut yuh open yuh a goh waan bawl out : “JAH WHY ME?!!" .. By di way a who yuh a breed fah? Noh tell mi seh a di carelis bwaay Kingman!!
Bashey: Lawd Ms Tird Yeye I doan even know.. Mi an im do it pon a regula ..but CeeW lick an run off now again…. But mi feel seh a fi Kingman.
ThirdEye: So what yuh gwine do now misis cause dem church people roun here very, very strict pon di abortion issue yuhnoh!! Dem wi walk an crucify yuh if dem hear sey yuh a walking cemetery!
Bashey: No mi naah dash it weh ..mi agoh tell Kingman seh a fi im an im haffi married mi arlese mi a goh mek puppa chap up im BongoCart!
Bashey thanked Ms ThirdEye for her advice and began her journey up di road to Kingman’s Yaad. She spotted him kicking football wid im gang a fren dem.
Bashey: Hey Kingman ..come yah mek a tell yuh something .. a want to tell yuh a small likkle ting dat jus come up.
Kingman: A wha now? How yuh jus a falla back a big man soh dutty foot gal?
Bashey: MI A CARRY BELLY FI YUH DUTTY BWAY!!!
Kingman’s friends looked in their direction amused at what they just over heard. They busted into heavy laughter at KingMan.
Prince: Yow Betren, it look like yuh a goh need a lawya, insurance man, undataka, minista an marrige counsla, financial advisor an parole affica ..hole one mi busniess cyard cause yuh a goh need it…. Jus memba seh mi noh deal wid personal check ..cause everybady done know seh yuh have bad credit
CeeW: (laughing hard) wooiii Fi REAL!! .. Racko Ricos a wha di blood cleet mi a hear sah.? ..Yow Kingman, do like mi do an carry dat wanga-gut sketel dung a Missa Chin mek im gi har some of rusty nail water, Coca-Cola and baking soda fi drink..shi naah goh know di difference between it an coolaid how she craven..
KingMan: Unu can gwan laugh.. Mi agoh tek care a my responsibility an gi har di wedding ring. Mi naah mek my yout suffa like fi unu half starve one dem a country…
CeeW: Yow betren, yuh sure seh a fi yuh yout yuh a run up yuh mout?..how yuh know seh noh badyelse noh lick dat an run like teif ina di night?
Kingman: **kiss teet** yuh noh know wha di hell yuh a talk bout. A my yout dat an mi an Bashey a goh do di wedding ting. .. A true yuh noh sey mi well educated bout parent hood… mi all know how fi cut aff di baby ”umbiblical“ card!
Bandido1 (muttered as KingMan walked away leaving the game..): Dat country bway foo-fool an chat pure fart jus like “Big Bway” .. **laughter **
---------------------------
One Week later: THE WEDDING
FH did her very best to avoid having the wedding on her Verandah but none of the local Churches would agree to hold the ceremony. Pastor Petiman also declined to marry the couple because he saw nutten but di devil in dem.. Their last alternative was Jamdown3. Tables were set out on the Verandah with empty bottles holding sticks of sweet smelling incense. FH brought out what was left of her peppered lights and did the best she could to accessorize with wild bush and red ribbons.
As the guest poured in one by one she greeted them with arms waving and shouting : “ Fresh patties, ice cold drinks, box dinner, peanut and peppered swimps for sale. Step up and get dem while dem last..everyting fah $5. .. (wispering to herself) Wah ah whole heap ah ppl out yah todeh, mi sure to mek some good money before di day done... Brownsugga was making herself useful by taking Instant Polaroid Pictures of the event. As the guests stood (no seating was available) waiting for the happy couple to appear, some grew very wary. Conversations were spewing among the guests all over the place about every and anything as they waited:
Sharee: (fanning herself ) Mi stress out bad .. a di fus wedding mi eva stress ova soh
Islandmutt: Girl relax yuself .. Like Bob marley seh: when likkle music lick yuh, yuh wi feel no pain ..wait til dem start play some Beres and Luciano yu wi airight..Mi noh know what yuh a stress yuh self ova!
Sharee: How yuh mean? ..yuh noh si a who married tidey..dat tyrant whe name Bashey boun fi fling some kina bakkle or buss some kine a gun tidey if anybady look pon an har too tough.. I jus doan know whey fe do fi calm mi nerves. How unno relieve unu stress?
Q3210: Like how mi dehso close to yuh Sharee ..come here mek mi rub dung …mi mean - massage yuh back and shouldas noh!Likkle lata wi can goh watch di squirrels run up and dung di tree an den wi fallow up wid some “stretching exercise”..
Sharee: But Q – yuh noh easy, “stretching exercise”??? ..yuh tink mi noh know sey a one-night stan yuh a look noh….. Fus of all, dat is not di fus step you should take in a relationship. A dem same “stretching exercise” cause dat crassis gal dat a get a married tideh en up a breed as she lan ina di lane. Noh badda come stress mi out more dan mi stress yah now – yuh hear mi sah! (still fanning)
-----------------------------
Mire’: Is wha kina program dis dem people yah print up wid all dem wrang spelling every weh. Mi caan mek head ar tails wha di program a sey to cow back foot.. Look pon dis:
[ Rezeption keduled to be in the yaad back Honda the Zink tent]
Is a crying shame how dem grown people soh backwod and dunce!!
Susanna: An mek mattas worse di program five pages lang!!.. Good Grief di sinting is like a 5 pound steak as much as mi love steak, mi naah read troo disyah lang program ..mi waan fi know if a soh disyah wedding a goh lang!
Pinkeylou:Bwoy Mire’..I did some hextensive research on di topic of intelligence and genetics ..an mi get fi fine out seh a so wi black folks dunce Misis!!.. Di white people dem and di Chiney dem a gi wi dankey lenghts by 85% ..all mi noh know why mi a badda kill up miself a school fah and studies show sey mi a goh dunce anyway!
Dr. Dudd: Child tap chat fart!! Fimi IQ ova 140 and I am a proud memba of MENSA ( Men who Expose Non-Spellers Association).. an mi know mi a noh ULTRA JEW!!
PinkeyLou: Lowks Doctor Dudd a sinting mi read up ina one book By well known African Studies author name: Aimé N.L.L.L. Olenga .. mi tink im did know wha im a talk bout ..but im look like ima full mi head wid foolishness… Neva mine den
To the corner a man stood in disbelieve as he overheard PinkeyLou’s conversation. He leaned to over his right shoulder to converse with Jooks.
Kalikan: Bway some people fool fool eeh man!!
Witchy woman: How dare you call mi a fool Kalikan!! I think I'll just consider the source... Bless you too!"
Kalikan: But a wha di R**? ..Did I call anybody name MAM?? Yuh hear mi seh Witchy ooman yuh is a dam fool ?!! .. well if di cap fits...put on di beret!!
Witchy woman: Do you know I have multiple distress disorder and shouldn’t even be at this wedding? Do you know I suffer from dyslexia and sickle cell anemia ?? Your comments could have well sent me into shock and possible cause me to get a second stroke… Jesas while yuh up dere listening in ..... Couldja please do one of two things: Either take me now, or quit the heart pains today, coz I CAN'T STAND THIS PAIN ANYMORE right now... PLEASE!!!
Kalikan: Ooman if yuh a goh drop dead, jus dead an done ar tap di R** nize a mi head !! Peace be onto to you. Goh thy way cause Duppy know who fi fritten!!
Witchy Woman: Well Kalikan, I don’t have to stay here and lissen to your nonsense.. DAMN!!! I'm getting pains again (holding her chest). I have to leave and find my damn nitro pills…BYE!!
Jooks: Bway Kalikan Witchy Trow mi off bad .. mi tink a joke di ooman did a mek ..mi all did tink di pain in har chest was a joke matta ..it look like Witchy tun di two a wi ina fool
Kalikan: **sigh** Jooks, All now mi caan explain why dis ooman tink mi a talk to she ..mi neva even si har tan up deh soh.. mek har gwaan, cause mi noh able she goh collapse an tell Dacta lie sey a mi do lick har dung!!
---------------------------
On the other side of the yard:
Chance: Queen, Yuh si dat cute likkle ting wid di frekkles an di bug yeye dem whe tek up tree quarta har face a siddung sida Phanzo?.. Hook mi up wid har noh! How mi can meet har? Something about dem bulging yeye an cute face and di 60s hairdo that gets to me every time mi si har in the district. Plus it look like di one Phanzo a tun deodorant unda har arm an she in need fi smaddy rescue har.
Queen: Chancey dearie... di big bulb yeye girl is Wendy…and dat 60s hairdo yuh talkiing bout is a nutten but a stale wig. Dearest, a she a di neighbahood Suss Pot yuh noh! Yuh sure yuh waan tek a chance wid dat deh Lizzard mout gal?
Chance: Look Queen dem doan call mi “Chance” fi nutten .. Mi tek any Chance mi can get fi jump pon anyting dat have curvey hip.. Aldowe one time mi goh jump pon one ooman dat did have a breeda Coco- bakkle shape deh an when mi tek a stock a di one ova dehso name Panman did a walk di street ina ooman sinting. A nearly dead wid shack!! Misis it hard fi mi fi tell if dem a bwoy or is dem a gyal!
Queen:Hush yuh mout Chance! an mine yuh mek people hear dem deh sinting deh carry back goh tell people! Mi wi introduce yuh to har a di cookout next week. Hole tite.. But when yuh business en up outta road no badda come blame mi cause a yuh sey yuh waan mix up yuself wid har an har flippa mout - awoh!
Suddenly, there was a lady shouting from the top of the Verandah steps to get everyone’s attention:
Alabaster: SILENCE PEOPLE - I JUST GOT A NEW BABY!!!! ..a joke me a mek (giggling) .. on a serious note unu tap di nize .. DI BRIDE AN GROOM A COME!!
They could all see Kingman walking hastily towards the Verandah dragging Bashey readily behind. The crowd looked at the couple in disgust - some staring in the sky as if to pray, some giggling, some shaking head in disbelief. They finally placed themselves before Jamdown3. The crowd was silent:
Jamdown3: Dearly Beloved we are gathered here on dis blessed Tuesday to join togedda Bashey and Kingman in holy misery …mi mean MATRIMONY. KingMan Do you promise to accept Bashey shart and long comings?.. do yu promise to cook, rake up di yaad an fix up di front door?
Bashey Interrupted: ”mek im pramise fi goh back a JAMAL fi goh learn fi spell to cause reading is fundamental!!”
KingMan:Shut up yuh mout noh Gal!! True yuh jus learn fi spell yuh wan come exercise it ina public! … No Your Honor I Do not!
Jamdown3: KingMan, dis is not a courtroom ..a who yuh a call “Your Honor”.. (giggling) OK, Bashey do you Promise….
Bashey: No badda ask mi fi promise nutten enoh Ms, cause di ansa is plain NO. Jus mek wi put on di ring an cantinue on wid di service please..
Jamdown3: Well aright den, Can anyone ere give reason why these two shouldn’t be joined in holy matrimony? Speak now....
Brownsugga: YES! Di dutty gal a breed fi CeeW!! .. This startled the guest and the commotion started.
KingMan: SEY WHA?? SHE A BREED FI WHO?.. Well since a yuh fuss cheat, Yuh owe mi one tuff foot gal! …but mi naah sey nutten! I jus gwine get some skins and gwaan cool – watch!!
Bashey was vexed and grabbed one of the bottles from the table, throwing the incense on the floor. She threatened KingMan: “Get Skins which part!!, yuh waan mi bruck dah bakkle ina yuh head punk?!!
FH: (stepping between them) cho! Dis sound like foolishniss to mi ..Bashey, yuh is a virago and ah teggareg and ah real never-see-come-see. Mek yuh a gwaan soh.? ...mi wouldn go as far fi suggess oonu kiss an mek up, but just cease and seckle, nuh? Mi noh waan noh bakkkle fight pon mi Varandah!!
Bashey turned to FH and pushed the bottle in her face planting it on her nose, she said: “Hey gal me wi tump you dung yuhnoh, yuh know mi?. Whe di whole a un noh mine unu bizniz an tap worry bout mi an mi belly an who mi deh wid!”
FH backed away slowly and walked towards her front door.. she opened it went inside calmly. Within 2 minutes came back out brandishing an the biggest OOZIE any one had ever seen.
“Look here nuh Bashey-Quaashie don't ramp wid me seen? Di nex time u try push bockle inna mi face, u will haffi ansa to dis, seen? “
Blessed: (seemingly excited by the FH’s gun threat) Yes G.I. FH! Mi noh know weh yuh get dat fram ..but what a gyal bright a push up bokkle inna big ooman face … if it was mi, mi wouldn tek dat from she..... Yes duty gyal Bashey…mine yu get shat from FH! Yuh tink mi noh know sey yuh grudge mi jus tru seh mi fresh an clean!! Blaze har up FH!!
Jazz: Merciful heavenly faada - keep me safe fram dese warring people.... but Bashey - yuh nuh easy ah backside, yuh waan tek on FH - yuh nuh know seh ah de wrang ooman dat fe yuh ramp wid -she wi mash yu up! - FH... do puddung de gun - yuh nuh si how it big - mine yuh hab baddy cum dung!
Dacresa: Mek mi dis pull up mi stool an open up mi foot pon di verandah fi ketch dis war yah!!.. Lawd mi did jealous sey dem two was di fus fi get married pon di Lane but di way mi si dis a wedding a gwaan mi still have a chance fi fuss smaddy.. Tenk yuh Jesas!
JamBrit: Bwaay, dis is betta dan JERRY SPRINGER to rahtid!!! Wooooo..it sweet mi! Is a pity noh chair noh dehyah fi dem fling ina one aneda head like dem do pon Jerry!
Meanwhile Bashey was out for more war, bottles continue to fly as she aimed carelessly at Kingman’s head not caring for the crowd. Guest scattered and ducked flying bottles:
Alpha: Dis exciting man! Action/romance/adventure. FH trus mi one bag a popcorn deh!!. Yes, please wid butta and salt. Awrite chrow een one coca-cola tu. Seh what? People a use dat fi clean cyar injin an tielit bowl?!?! Gimme a cream soda den. Tanks ..( eat, drink) belch!
BlessedLadyOfZion: Wooii FH Yuh have any “Sex pon di Beach”?.. pass one gi mi deh!! Di hole-a mi baddy ago bun mi tomorrow, espeshally mi back but mi noh caah! Gi mi di strang version cause if mi noh knack mi self out, dat dam Bashey gal a goh tek bakkle an lick mi out harself!! ... what a prekke woulda inyah tidey!!
Cho*****: ( lying flat on the ground) Laad Jesas mi head skull buss now.. . one bokkle just lick mi inna di back a mi head.. Laad Oyyee mi nuh ave nuh medical hinsurance. ..Laad a weh mi agoh get money fi sew back up mi head.... Cuh pon Blood a drip pon mi white shirt.. Jesas it look like mi head buss bad fi true .. Mi have fi goh set up fund fi build back mi head now…Lawd wooo mi a goh tan yah bleed to deat now!!
The scene was frightening! Scores of people flocked through the front gate in fear of being hit by flying bottles. FH fired two shots in the air – BRAP BRAP!!! “Unu come outta mi yaad!! Wedding dun and Reception cancel fi di night..UNU CUM OUT - unu set a sh*t House!!
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NEXT DAY AFTER THE WEDDING:
Bashey woke up early the next morning not feeling too pleased with the events that took place at the wedding. She stepped over KingMan who was sleeping on the floor with a knife in his hand. She left the house and walked to the letterbox to see what mail came in. She was hoping a love letter arrived from CeeW to ease her already discontented mind. She saw only one letter addressed to the Bride and Groom from Brownsugga. She took the package inside and woke her husband:
Bashey: HEY HANGMAN.. mi mean Kingwhateva! Package come fi di two a wi from di gal name Brownsugga..
KingMan: Open it noh gal.. Yuh need big man fi tell yuh dat ..an address mi as King when yuh a talk to mi to.
Bashey: King mi backside! Yuh lip dem lang like fi KingFish bout King.. anyway .. mek mi open it an si a wha… Oh a di wedding pictra dem.. she write one small note ..mek a read it fi yuh cause seeing as yuh caan spell mi noh tink yuh caan read eida!!… IT SEY:
Dear Kingman and Bashey, yuh wedding was di wos wedding mi eva goh but mi was glad to be a part a di drama (She stops reading) …but yuh si libatty teking Kingy?? . ..(she continues).. Enclosed are one dozen and 12 photograph mi tek a unu wedding. PS: Kingman Sarry yuh pictra dem neva come out good. Fi some reason di negative dem come out blank wid “Unable to Display” write pon dem ..Love, Brownsugga
Bashey: Hey heya! If a laugh inyah tidey a dead!.. yuh soh blasted ugly dat di ooman camara reject yuh face ..yuh noh shame? Look how mi come out pretty? … Ketch big smile an sexy bady pose … wooii ketch mi a fling di whole heap a bakkle dem...Mi look nice eeh?
Kingman: Yuh noh si how yuh feva any likkle quaashie? ..all yuh pickny dem a counry is now 4 years old an yuh nat even now a who a dem puppa!..gwey gyal and guh look fi u pickny daddy dem. .. yuh likkle sketel bamma!
Bashey: Hey dutty batty half starvin bwoy.. mi si yuh skettel mumma a beg man fe wuk har off and she we pay dem… just leggo aff a my pickney dem seen… and go help you likkle fishy madda sell har self. ..me dun talk!!!!!!!!!!!
Kingman: (reached under the bed and grabbed his Bee-bee gun) pow pow pow!! one inna de ediot gyal foot. pow one inna har back, pow pow.! one inna har head. *Pow Pow!!*. mi did a tell doan mess around wid mi an mi mumma!!
Bashey ran out of the house and headed for the rubbish heap an picked up some empty bottles: “ Mi an im Grass Cawt tidey ..im noh know a who mi.. (running back into the house ) **fling bakkle** .. **fling tree more bakkle** .. Tek yuh R** outta mi place orelse a gwine kill yuh an bury yuh *** roun a back!! .**fling 2 Bokkle BOOM** …**curtain ketch a fire**
The commotion could be heard around the Lane. Neighbors started to protrude head first to take in the drama. The restaurant owner was crawling out of the restaurant on all fours:
Jazz: Genkle Jesas meek an mile ..a feel like a hav less dan 24 hours lef fi live ina disyah war zone yah. Wid di whole heap a gun shot an bakkle boom whe a fly wound di place I cayn tink bout nutten else but mortality…Jesas Lowd reddeem wi!
Dumplin: (following Jazz) Ms Jazz as yuh talk bout dat mek a goh make sure that I purchase some life insurance right dis minute.. an goh mek up a will cause mi noh tink wi have 24 hours lef on disyah eart . IS JUDGEMENT DAY DIS!!
Couple houses down the block:
Dacresa: Yuh know what?..Mek wi go inna di house an pull di curtain fi ketch di war for mi no able fi no bakkle or gunshot fi come ruin mi good looks. Lawd what a calamity Jane inyah tidey!
Mire: (looking out from her window) What A bunch a uncircumcised Philistines, who liganistic, leggo leggo carrying ann a gwaan precious Lord!!! Lawd dem a quarrel an noh si dem house a bun dung!!
The lady in the big White House was visible angry and started yelling:
Blessed: Smaddy call di Police mek dem tek dat crebe an hawl har out a dis yah lane cause she a bring dung di propaty value!!!
Bashey fired back: “Blessed,you try dont badda put your mouth inna dis. Cause me know even do you gawn like you a name brand you wear me see you come out Costco wid a bag of verscratche not versache and you mossilimo. So dont make me buss fe you secret!”
Kalikan: Doan worry Ms Blessed I teking care a dat right now cause big man wuk a nite an can't even get a good days sleep seka a rusty chimmey a fly troo dem window !..
“Hello Police...yes mam sen a patrol cyar ova by di mad Lane fi mi nuh...an sen some So-ja too...an yuh know wha, yuh betta call Madden as well. ...No nobady nuh ded yet I don't tink, but if dem nuh kill dem wan annada...or di police an so-ja nuh kill nun a dem...dem I most certainly will. No mam me an nubabby nuh inna nuh fite but a don't tek litely fi have rusty chimmy a fly inna mi bed...unu mekase cause a mi cutlass mi a get ready fi draw yah now! **click**
Soon the police siren was sounding in the near distance. When the lead police car pulled up infront of Bashey’s burning house. Out came an officer –gun in hands:
Prince: YOW!!!! DE OUSE IS SURROUNDED NOBODY MOVE, NOBODY GET URT ..wait unu neva know sey mi a police to! A juss troo it cyan hold pon mi business cayrd mek unu noh know dat .. but anyway - Kyan anybaddy tell mi whe demya two likkle bun up backyawd bowleg pigeon foot knock knee people yah a quarrel bout.
Slick: I doan know wah di Bongo Cart a gwaan.. mi jus come on yah an all mi ask - not a soul naah ansa mi
Lisa: If a nat mistaken, Mi tink a becaw Kingman caan spell mek Bashey a stone him.
Prince: Airight neva mine -it noh matta – lookyah Bashey, yu betta go tek care a de likkle piece a man whe wi gi yu an tank de lawd sey yu get a man…Right now unu have bigga prablems pon unu han .. ..si unu bun dung di house wid every striking ting in deh an unu neva buy noh insurance fram mi fi cova it… soh unu goose cook!
Bashey: A true yuhnoh Kingy.. wi noh have a ting lef ..di whole place bun dung lef so-so dry wood.. a whe wi a goh do now??
Kingman: Yuh wan wi jus goh some weh far fi cool aff a likkle bit?
Bashey: Yuh mean like a honeymoon vacation field trip?
Kingman Yah Man ..one honeymoon vacation.. come wi goh a Italy noh!
Bashey: Which part dey baby?
Kaingman: Some place ina France, right side a China.. yuh waan goh?
Bashey: Yes mi honey bun .snookums, Cherri pie .. (put dung bakkle) **kiss, kiss**
Sharee: oooooh now if dem two is nat a ideal mate I doan know who is ..
Beluved: Oh Glory to God in Heaven !! I feel like singing a chorus: Every body Join mi in singing praises!!
It's over now
It's over now
I feel like I can make it
the storm is over now.
No more cloudy days
they are gone away
I feel like I can make it
The storm is over now.
And so it was. Kingman and Bashey went to Italy, France for their honeymoon. The thick black smoke began to clear. The community came together to rebuild. Broken bottles were swept away from the streets. As they labored hard to get the community back together the sentiments seemed to signal the end of chaos and better days to come:
Alpha: Jezzas Sayvia ! I neva did tink wi hooda get likkle peace inna di lane agen. Fram dem two hanimal move een, wi haffi deh worry seh curfew deggo paas! Solja, police, one likkle conman wah call eeself insurance/minista/undataka an a hole heepa adda tings!
Secret Lover: Yuh neva seh a betta ting Alpha .mi tink a mi one did tired a al di warring. It neva look good in a di yard wid alldi pickney dem a run roun .. Tank Gad it done wid! Unu tink dem a goh come back alive???