Tweet
Welcome this week’s Suss report. This is a continuation form the last report where FH had been robbed of everything in her house. Sorry for the late report but hope you will enjoy.
Previously on our last episode :
FH: [/b] KISS MI MUMMA BATTY!!!… DEM RAMSACK MI HOUSE!! WEH MI COURTS FURNITRA DEM DEH?!!!…..Jesas Lawd, weh mi Fridge an Gas stove ??!!….Mi curtain dem!, mi dinett set, Mi Watnot!!..AAARRRRRHHHHH!!!!
FH had lost everything she had weaseled out of every man she ever met. She was left with nothing but bare carpet and empty kitchen cabinets. All that was visible was a size 10 shoes print on the kitchen floor confirming that some one had been in the house while she was away.
FH: (bawling) Lawd wooee..(sniff sniff ) nutten more dan big ears Dacresa come inyah come clean mi out seka jealusy and covitchdedness..wooo… Look wah mi come to…Mek a call dat pig nose bwaay cause it naah go so a backside….(she pauses) But kiss mi high class behine! ..dem gaan wid di phone to???!!!…. (she fell to the floor weeping and moaning) ..woooooo…a dead mi a go dead now..mi dead ..mi noh have a ting fi live fah.
There was a knock on the door ..she dragged herself over to the door and opened it half way.,
Ackee: FH whapen? Is what mek Tarzan a gallang soh.. Yow, yuh fi cantrol dah mongrel daag yuh noh ..si di r**s daag jus bite up mi cris linen pants......is time im know seh mi a regula visita an respec due..cho!.. Wait, FH a bawl yuh a bawl? Is whappen to yuh?
FH: come in Ackee..look pon mi place.. a dis mi come home to a while ago
Ackee: Kiss mi blousenawt.. a soso carpet inyah FH? A wha di rahtid yuh a tell mi seh ..a dat liva lip crebbareg yuh use to deal wid name Dacresa yuhnoh..A shoulda dehyah fi draw mi ole rusty ‘lass pon im r**s.
FH: Ackee mi love, calm down yaah sweets ..dats why mi glad seh mi have a man like yuh ina mi life fi tek care a mi in dese desparate times..Come baby mek wi goh ketch di furnitra shap before it close.
Ackee: aahhmmm ..eeehmm ..FH aahhmm..what mi cames ova to tell yuh yuh si ..is dat mi get one Carparate Job dung a New Kingston an mi affi move..mi nat tarrying here no langa honey bunch..Mi have to pack up an move to town.
FH: Yuh get Caparate jab??? (she slaps him in the head -*BLAP*) Fi wah? Noh yuh seh yuh did a go tan yah an mine mi fi eva ..is who gwine support me in dese time of need, eeh? Is who gwine buy Tarzan im Purina Chow daag food?!!!
Ackee: FH look yah noh misis..seka a yuh and dat r**s daag mi one platinum credit card max out to nutten ..mi all draw out every cent fram mi Texaco gas card fi mine unu to rahtid!..It done FH ..mi stone bruck ..Sarry bout yuh lasses but a time fi mi live mi life now. Disyah Ackee a go look fi a new Saltfish ..Mi an yuh mash up as of tideh!
FH: (BLAP! BLAP!!, she slaps im twice again)..yuh mek mi lef mi speego who use to gi mi im paycheck a week time fi yuh wutlis bwaay??! An now yuh come tell mi seh yuh a lef mi??!!.. Not a r**s a go so .. yuh a go tan yah an help mi set up back miself before mi tun laughing stock fi dem nassy neega pan Boardlane yah-awaoh!!
Ackee: Yuh know what, if yuh lick mi one more time a tek sinting a gi yuh a b*tch lick inyah tidey .. mi seh it OVA and mi noh response fi yuh an yuh crassis!
He angrily leaves through the door as FH calls out:
FH: Ackee come back!!! …is joke mi was a joke..Mi Butta Ackee come back noh …
But he continues on his way..
FH: Galang bout yuh ways sour bway!.. yuh mout did tink like miss Delsi hag pen anyway!
Exhausted and saddened from her day’s ordeal she folded and fell asleep on the living room floor
NEXT MORING
===============
FH was awaken by a loud barking Tarzan on her Varandah. She got up and stumbled to the front door. She snatched it open and yelled:
FH: Hey tumpa tail mongrel..tap di Blood Cleet nize a mi head ina di marning yaah! Yuh si like how yuh tan yah mek dem clean out mi house mi noh waan hear yuh r**s mout out yah again ..SHUT IT UUUUUP!!
One of the neighbors walking by heard the disgruntled FH and stopped to inquire.
Jazz: FH - mi run come dung yah when mi hear Tarzan a bark like im si duppy ..is everyting aright sista?
[b]FH: Jazz dem noh teef out mi sinting dem yesiday when mi deh a di picnic .. Mi seh dem people yah bareface noh rahtid! fram mi bawn mi neva know bout henybadi who can get pleasure outta teefing from smaddy else yard.
Jazz: A LIE!! … dem burgula yuh fi troots?
FH: come look if yuh tink mi a lie mi a tell ..
Jazz: Lawd - de house empty eeh an look how yuh did a plan fi have yaad sale next week ... Lawd FH yuh mash up bad..di bes advise mi can give yuh is fi put up di ole house fi Sale ar trow wan bashment an sell two juice so yuh can buy back likkle furniture.
FH: Dat is a good brown daag idea!!.. mi can trow wan house warming an Regista a ‘Courts’ an mek people tek time buy back mi furtnitra an appliances… wooiii mi excited! Yuh a goh help mi plan it mi fren?
Jazz:Mi was a malice yuh aff yuh lef di likkle dishwasha jab an lef mi one fi wash dutty plate but a guess mi can help yuh out wid dis one..come mikase mek wi go tell Dgeorge fi help wi advatise di bashment to di new people dem weh a move in ..Wi can ask Xavier fi mek some pretty pretty postas wid im fancy computa siting dem.. and Sista Beluved can mek di announcement ina Church Sunday marning…Come wi have plenty wok fi do and anyting wort doing is wort doing praperly!
The two worked tirelessly night and day to get the house warming together for the following Saturday. The community was excited to have another get together with plenty nyamings.
HOUSE WARMING DAY
====================
The day had finally arrived. FH was expecting several people at her house with no where for them to sit put the floor. Jazz donated food from the restaurant for Sale. The menu was packed with plenty of delights and delicacies for the guest. FH was excited and filled with anxiety as it was getting pass the schedule time:
FH: Is whe di people dem deh man? A nuff a dem pramise fi bring something yuh noh a only hope dem show up ..(Hand on head) Lowd a praying dat dem show up cause yuh can neva trus neega people..especially di one dem weh live bout yah..
Jazz:No worry yuself FH ..dem a come man .. yuh noh know how negga people always late..(Pointing in the distance) Si whole heapa people a come .. weh mi tell yuh?
The guests greeted FH and Jazz on the varandah:
PinkeyLou:FH whapen sista? What a way dem tun yuh place ina Hauntid house man .. Here is mi Cantribution to di wordy cause…
FH: A wha dis? .. It look like one Termos pat!
PinkeyLou: No man betta dan dat! Is a Perculata ..Yuh can mek all sorta tea ina it - chocolate tea, green tea, ginger tea, ice tea, Ganja tea.. Den si mi bring yuh couple Sherly biscuits as complimentary gift
FH: A wha di backside mi a do wid Permulata Pinkey? It betta yuh di bring one Toasta fi mi toast mi bread marning time.
Pinkey: Unu noh use to nutten eeh? ..FH di sinting name Perculata, not Permulata ..Well if yuh noh wan it ..gi mi back .. Mi mus can fine use fi it..Yuh galang like yuh did hav Toasta ina di house before dem rab yuh
Alpha: Yes Pinkey since FH noh want it, galang go set up di Tea pat Pon di varandah cause mi coulda use some ginger tea yah now.. One piece a gas tek up mi belly noh tap yah so… Gi mi one a dem Shirley biscuit to!
BLOZ: Mi self have likkle gas ina mi stomach fram marning ..Like how it look like it aggo start rain! Pinkey beg yuh mek a cup a hat tea fe mi to
FH: Is whe di whole a unu a go wid gas ina mi place?! Unu noh badda tink unu a go poop up di place yuhnoh cause nat even air freshana mi have and di window dem still bolt up since Gilbert paas... Anyway, People step up, step up! .. step up pon an go in!! Bax Juice, bakkle drinks an food buffet style fi sale…Come on in..
AT THE BUFFET TABLE
===================
Msbens: But FH yuh a gwaan wid tings..a nuff bikkle yuh have fi di bashment man..Mek mi tell yuh fram now.. mi noh nyam anyting uglier dan mi.... mi noh want none a dat cow buddy soup, no animal innards.. but mi wi buy a plate a Ackee and Saltfish
BLOZ: Msbens if a laugh a Pop… Yuh eva si di head of a Saltfish yet? .. Well if yuh noh eat nutten uglia dan yuh den mi advise yuh fi tap nyam Saltfish cause yuh teking on a very close resemblance to dat dam ugly fish!
Jooks: Mi si plenty tings inyah weh mi naah nyam a backside..Mi doan like heads or foots, I mean feets on animals..all dat jerk pork smell tink !.. All mi a look nat a BREADFRUIT inyah .. **kiss teet** a guess mi wi buy piece a negro yam an some Ackee
Lynn: Serious ting ..why FH have so much organ meat .. liva an chitlens!!Yuk!!! Dat sh*t smell like wet daag…It look like mi haffi get Pinkey bwail mi a cup a ganja tea fi sekkle mi stomach …I am about to Puke!
UndercovaGirl: (holding her plate) Lynn, beg yuh ask Pinkey fi mek two cup a di ganja tea while yuh at it..Mi ago need sinting strang fi wash dung disyah Okro and Salt Mackeral yah!
Islandmutt: Backside!! A Black Cake dat ova dehso? .. (pushing his way towards the cake) Move outta di way!! ..beg unu paas..mi coming troo
Lawx: Bway miseh Chivalry dead like mi ole granny .. yuh mean dat big grey tone man couldn seh excuse mi..im jus tep pon mi toe like im tink a FH carpet im a walk pon..**cut yeye**
--------------
After they got their food, the guest all huddled on the floor in FH’s living room. The room was unusually silent as the guests ate their meals.. The silence was broken there was knock on the door. When the door was opened, it was nothing more than a late comer:
Kingman: Sup peeps.. mi jus a come.. as unu know mi maada seh shi naah buy noh car fi mi till mi lef callege .. so di King did haffi peddle come pon mi bicycle lol
Mire: **YAWN** .. hey Kingman .. glad yuh reach
Jambrit: (shocked by Kingman’s appearance) Kingman a weh yuh a go wid dat brite green/yellow/orange/gold shut....an look how yuh pants a heng dung paas yuh waist a show yuh bad cola brief!
Kingman: lol yu funny noh rahtid lol .. hush up yuh mout cause yuh naah seh nutten wid dat brite red lipstick. A caan tan si black ooman ina red lipstick ..unu feva dem dam circus clown to raccus lol
QueenB: But si yah is who tell yuh seh yuh qualify fi judge anyting pan ooman. Yuh soun like some ooman jus diss yuh outta street.. sour grapes Kingman?
Kingman: lol queenb, are u a crack head? lol if I see a black ooman inna red lipstick, a pire laff mi a laff lol. As mi come inyah unu jump pon mi..lol…All who noh like di Kingman come faward lol. Mi ready fi unu lol
Msbens: Kingman come in a sit yuh *ss dung wid yuh big crusty lip dem ..yuh coudn rub up some chapstick pan yuh lip dem before yuh come a people place?!
Sugacane: (laughing) Den ketch him wid di bandanna roun im head wit de dutty rag an Kangal hat noh. Kingman yuh noh si how yuh look like poppy show ina di place?..wooi if a laugh a si Jesas!
ThirdEye: (DWL!) Unu leave Kingman alone ..Unu noh know already seh im is one picket short of a fence an 'bout 1 slice a bread short of a turkey sandwich.
Kingman: lol unu oomen are freakin funny. a guess de wul a unu man are GQ and well dress..Nutten tun mi aff more dan a gayl who chat too much an dont know what the hell she is talking about.
Alpha: Yuh si how yuh tan .. when yuh ready fi call wi ooman all sorta name whe come outta yuh mout yuh noh pet nar powda..but when wi a run likkle joke wid yuh, yuh ready fi start some ‘ish’ and a “lol” like ediat....
Kingman: Alpha, hush up yuh mout lol when mi bring some cantraversial tings to unu ,unu cuss mi out lol but when unu seh anyting bout di king evrybady a laugh afta mi lol. A lie mi a tell?
Willowdog2x: Kingman mek a gi yuh a piece of advice.. dem seh ”Words of Women can be annoying. But yet he who does noh lissen to dem is a dam fool!”....So stap playing a dam fool an go ina di kitchen goh hole a plate a food an come res yuh self.
Kingman: Whe FH have in deh fi nyam anyway . I man noh nyam steam fish and banana and dem tings deh yuh noh .. strickly manish wata mi waan
Guinepe: Kingman, yuh can get anyting youh waan but yuh fi try di icecream .. it taste good yu si (licking her her lips as she savored it’s flavor)
Islandmut: Dam Guinppe all that licking, slurping, and sucking a get mi tinking some devious tings.. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]
Guinipe: Why when mi a lick ice-cream and suck pon Banana man always a gi mi dem sleazy look an comments deh?!
SugaCane: Ain’t dat di gospel trut! When me a tongue dung a bakkle a Heineken di man dem always ah stare hafta me. Anytime yuh si mi start lick di bakkle head an dip me tongue inside it fe test if de sinting is good yu si sweat a run aff dem farrid an dem pants front a pint pan mi!
Gunippe: Wait! SugaCane - mi know yuh feh years and mi nevva know sey yuh duh bokkle likkin..gal show wi how fi do dat noh ...beg yuh PLEASE
Sugacane: Airight mek a school unu ..mi ago tek dis hennykin bakkle an show unu weh mi di do .,watch mi close!
She took the bottle and slowly stretched out her tongue and massaged the bottle from the head, encircling the tip and running her tongue along the side of the bottle.
Ja-kid: JESAS CHRIST!! Unnu ooman bad yu noh! Unnu need some big lick! Unu can tek dat deh any way unnu waan .. Please excuse mi ladies, mi a go ina FH batroom fi a bout a hour.. mi have some “hands on” work fi go do [img]/forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif[/img]
They all laughed as Ja-kid rushed to the bathroom squeezing his legs together.
IslandMutt: Unu ooman need help fi troot … unu a go tan yah gi all a wi blue balls before wi lef.. Look all pon yuh miss BLOZ wid yuh “high beams”a shine ina mi face and fram which part mi siddung, mi know seh Jazz noh gat on noh draws!
BLOZ: Yow Mutty lef mi alone..di brazier dem uncomfortable! All mi need a mi "wife beater" an mi irie .. mi love di likkle freedom! an is 1 less ting fe tek off when mi a go bade
Mire: All you people who noh wear bra mek mi ask unu sinting now - how unno stan di heap a jigglingness???.. an Jazz yuh noh fraid yuh ketch cole ina yuh behine!
Jazz: Mire if mi was eva invisible mi woulda walk round butt nekkid all de time ..Everyday now an den mi tek aff mi draws an air out likkle..mi jus neva ina di mood fi put on nung tidey.. Mutty please tap lok anda mi frack!!
Msbens: Not a ting noh wrang wid likkle breeze out yah Jazz !..likkle breeze nah go kill yu, sometime de thong dem so small might dat is like yuh naah wear nutten.. mi caan tan walk roun wid piece a ***** all up in mi derrire !
Fern: Dat is where di finga come in Msbens! .. Jus tek yuh big finga an dig it out till it come loose.. If unu eva know di use of a finga unu woulda marvel.. Mi tek all mi finga an flip bugga outta mi nose like a noh nutten.
Honeyface: Fern mi noh need mi finga fi do dat. when bugga ina mi nose mi man clear it out fi mi wid im mout when mi nose stap up..
Queen: EEEUU!! Lawd Jesas peeze .. unu noh si seh people a nyam dem food?!! Honeyface yuh man suck booga outta yuh nose ole? Whateva float yuh boat misis.. mi couldn do dat fi love nar money.. mi wi pick mi owna boogas.
Hottie Hott: Lowd Honeyface, dat is a likkle bit too comfortable..laawd why him haffi suck it out...ewwwwwww dat is nasty!!!..den again atleast yuh gat one man.. mi wouldn mine hav a man fi pick out a booger or 2 outta mi nose inna public fi mi ..
Mire: ) Unu excuse mi ...a meking a run to di batroom
KLH: Unu si unu mek Mire a vamit up di place?..Mek unu soh blasitd disgusting?! Cho!
GIFT OPENING:
It was clearly time to change the subject so Jazz announced that it was time for FH to open her gifts. FH sat in the center of the room with a big smile on her face as she saw the piles of boxes that awaited her. The first box was handed to her:
FH: wooy yoweee ! Dis is a heavy one .. a wanda a what in here .. Let’s see “from Brownsugga with Love”…Tanks mi fren (she rips the paper open ) WOOOO Mi very own Phillips TV!!!!
Brownsugga: FH mi know yuh did want a 27 inch but misis mi jus buy one tun load a Baby clothes fi mi God pickney an mi stone bruck. An dat likkle 13 inch TV is all mi could afford fi buy…Mi know it small but a di taught dat count.
FH: Afta dis noh look like any a di TV mi si dung a Courts BrownSugga!
BrownSugga: Courts?!! Misis a dung a Bandido Pawn shop mi pick dat up fi $12.50! All it need a one attena an yuh set..
Mire: .Smaddy string it up mek wi si fi it a wok..mi wouldn mine ketch likkle Oprah .. shi have a show pon ‘Confessions’ an mi noh waan miss it! **YAWN**
Islandmutt: If wi a watch anyting mek wi watch likkle sitcom .. Married wid Children even likkle cartoon.. Oprah tun mi aff when mi pictra har widout make-up an thongs pan har big *ss!
Wutlis: I say wi watch di Golden Girls! Yeah Man! Wendy remine mi a Blanche how shi feisty an manny- manny!
Wendy Bwaay noh mek mi tell yuh places fi come kiss out! GOH DEAD A BUSH!! If mi was yuh mi would wipe out di matta outta mi yeye carna..mi noh si how yuh a go watch Golden Girls wid yuh yeye dem full a mata!
FH: Lawd Help mi ! Unu tap it! Wi naah watch nutten inyah til mi open di laas bax ..anyway tanks Sugga ..Ok is what dat ting ina di foil paypa?!..paas it gi mi deh.. “from Magaman.. I made it miself..hope yuh like it”. Ok dis mi haffi si.. (frowned face as she unwraps the package) A wah dis Magaman??!!
Magaman: A some fry fish an bammy mi carry fi yuh babylove
FH: Kiss mi rat tail! Magabway a whe yuh a go wid bammy an fish?? Yuh neva hear seh mi regista a Courts an a furnitra an appliances mi waan ..
Magaman: FH cool noh man ..Noh fret yuh house soon pack up wid furnitra ma. Mi figa seh everybadyelse wi bring yuh furnitra so mi jus bring a likkle something fi yuh tast bud [img]/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]
FH: Cuite C, carry dis go trow gi di daag fi mi please..mi noh know a wha dat dis bwaay carry come a mi house warming.. next bax please!
Blessed: [/b Fi tell yuh di troot mineva have no money fi buy what yuh did waan but I know you can use this FH.. is jus a likle somting something..
FH: Ok .. let’s see ..scissors, pen, stapler, note pad.. a whe mi ago do wid dem foolishness yah Blessed?
Blessed: Cho man yuh mus can fine likkle use fi dem .. Yuh know di trubble mi go troo fi get dem? A teif mi teif dem fram di office cause dem owe it to me far all di hard work mi do..
FH: Mi can neva andastan why unu love teif wha noh belang to unu so? A more craasis yuh a try bring dung pon mi a carry teifing good ina mi place?
Blessed: Look FH mi tried of mi boss tinking im own mi soul..di likkle money dem a pay mi, mi caan afford fi buy yuh nat even plate ***** so yuh betta bi tankful!
Lawx: Ok FH, open mine yuh gwine love is.. is some lovely draperies fi yuh window dem
FH: Tanks yaah mi fren .. but lawks a di fus curtain dem mi so tick and heavy!
Lawx: If yuh neigbah dem is as faas as fi mi dem - di ticka di betta .. yuh noh wan nubady a look up ina yuh house a faas ina yuh bizniz… fi mi own dem so bad dat mi haffi scale mi back fence when mi ago anyweh.. mi caan even bake mi puddun in piece to rahtid ..
FH: A true yuh noh Lawx.. mi neighba fi eva a come ova yah a sell Avon products. One neda one shi come ya a sell Tupperware ..nutten more dan a faas dem a come yah fi faas.. yuh know nat one a dem did si a who teef out di whole a mi sinting dem?!! When dem fi faas to r**s yuh noh si dem a faas. Bway a tell yuh bout dem people here..
Finally, FH had opened all her gifts but wasn’t really pleased with all her gifts. There were no more boxes to open. One by one the guest expressed their desire to leave:
Sistagirl: **YAWN** a 9 aclack now an paas my bed time .. if mi noh ketch a mi bed soon mi caan wake up fi go work 5’aclack a marning.. mi wi si unu
Lynn: Like howmi suffa wid insomnia mi noh waan stay yah too late.. mek mi goh home goh ketch di 11:00 evening news cause a it alone can put mi to sleep.
FH: Tank unu fi coming out an supporting me troo dis rough time. I am tankful for the gifts – some a dem atleast **roll eyes**.. Bway oh Bway, if mi did know seh mi was gwine loose mi siting dem mi woulda neva buy dis blastid house an go tek mi money buy a boat and live a sea.
Jadine: No mine yaah FH come mi gi yuh a hug ..((FH)).. a one ting mi sarry bout dowe .. usually when mi go out anyweh mi is a ooman weh callect even a likkle Key ring but since yuh noh have nutten fi gi mi, mi can callect di res a food whe lef ina di ktchen an tek dem offa yuh hans ..whe yuh seh bout dat mi fren?
FH: Airight galang go tek wah lef..Jus noh tek up anyting else whe no belong to yuh cause unu can bi soh red yeye an finga fearing! **roll eyes**
The guest left wishing FH good luck. FH was relieved that the day had come an past.. she went into the kitchen to clean up. She stumbled on someone lying on the floor knocked out!
FH: But my heavens! ..(she walks over and shakes the person) Likkle girl!! ..likkle girl get up! .. time fi goh a yuh yaad!
UndercoverGirl: (floating down from the high from the ganja tea she was drinking)Eeh? Wha yuh seh?...a wha a gwaan in here...*yawn*. Whe di party deh? .. Oh a yuh FH..mi seh.a di wickedest sleep dat mi eva ketch inna long time...Di ganja tea did nice noh fawt.. yuh gat anymore?
FH: Party done ..yuh *ss noh need noh more ganja tea..come goh a yuh yaad!
UndecoverGirl: Airight FH mi a come go bout mi bizniz ..Nice birtday party ..Happy Birthday yuh hear.. Septemba people a di bes..
[img]/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]
Previously on our last episode :
FH: [/b] KISS MI MUMMA BATTY!!!… DEM RAMSACK MI HOUSE!! WEH MI COURTS FURNITRA DEM DEH?!!!…..Jesas Lawd, weh mi Fridge an Gas stove ??!!….Mi curtain dem!, mi dinett set, Mi Watnot!!..AAARRRRRHHHHH!!!!
FH had lost everything she had weaseled out of every man she ever met. She was left with nothing but bare carpet and empty kitchen cabinets. All that was visible was a size 10 shoes print on the kitchen floor confirming that some one had been in the house while she was away.
FH: (bawling) Lawd wooee..(sniff sniff ) nutten more dan big ears Dacresa come inyah come clean mi out seka jealusy and covitchdedness..wooo… Look wah mi come to…Mek a call dat pig nose bwaay cause it naah go so a backside….(she pauses) But kiss mi high class behine! ..dem gaan wid di phone to???!!!…. (she fell to the floor weeping and moaning) ..woooooo…a dead mi a go dead now..mi dead ..mi noh have a ting fi live fah.
There was a knock on the door ..she dragged herself over to the door and opened it half way.,
Ackee: FH whapen? Is what mek Tarzan a gallang soh.. Yow, yuh fi cantrol dah mongrel daag yuh noh ..si di r**s daag jus bite up mi cris linen pants......is time im know seh mi a regula visita an respec due..cho!.. Wait, FH a bawl yuh a bawl? Is whappen to yuh?
FH: come in Ackee..look pon mi place.. a dis mi come home to a while ago
Ackee: Kiss mi blousenawt.. a soso carpet inyah FH? A wha di rahtid yuh a tell mi seh ..a dat liva lip crebbareg yuh use to deal wid name Dacresa yuhnoh..A shoulda dehyah fi draw mi ole rusty ‘lass pon im r**s.
FH: Ackee mi love, calm down yaah sweets ..dats why mi glad seh mi have a man like yuh ina mi life fi tek care a mi in dese desparate times..Come baby mek wi goh ketch di furnitra shap before it close.
Ackee: aahhmmm ..eeehmm ..FH aahhmm..what mi cames ova to tell yuh yuh si ..is dat mi get one Carparate Job dung a New Kingston an mi affi move..mi nat tarrying here no langa honey bunch..Mi have to pack up an move to town.
FH: Yuh get Caparate jab??? (she slaps him in the head -*BLAP*) Fi wah? Noh yuh seh yuh did a go tan yah an mine mi fi eva ..is who gwine support me in dese time of need, eeh? Is who gwine buy Tarzan im Purina Chow daag food?!!!
Ackee: FH look yah noh misis..seka a yuh and dat r**s daag mi one platinum credit card max out to nutten ..mi all draw out every cent fram mi Texaco gas card fi mine unu to rahtid!..It done FH ..mi stone bruck ..Sarry bout yuh lasses but a time fi mi live mi life now. Disyah Ackee a go look fi a new Saltfish ..Mi an yuh mash up as of tideh!
FH: (BLAP! BLAP!!, she slaps im twice again)..yuh mek mi lef mi speego who use to gi mi im paycheck a week time fi yuh wutlis bwaay??! An now yuh come tell mi seh yuh a lef mi??!!.. Not a r**s a go so .. yuh a go tan yah an help mi set up back miself before mi tun laughing stock fi dem nassy neega pan Boardlane yah-awaoh!!
Ackee: Yuh know what, if yuh lick mi one more time a tek sinting a gi yuh a b*tch lick inyah tidey .. mi seh it OVA and mi noh response fi yuh an yuh crassis!
He angrily leaves through the door as FH calls out:
FH: Ackee come back!!! …is joke mi was a joke..Mi Butta Ackee come back noh …
But he continues on his way..
FH: Galang bout yuh ways sour bway!.. yuh mout did tink like miss Delsi hag pen anyway!
Exhausted and saddened from her day’s ordeal she folded and fell asleep on the living room floor
NEXT MORING
===============
FH was awaken by a loud barking Tarzan on her Varandah. She got up and stumbled to the front door. She snatched it open and yelled:
FH: Hey tumpa tail mongrel..tap di Blood Cleet nize a mi head ina di marning yaah! Yuh si like how yuh tan yah mek dem clean out mi house mi noh waan hear yuh r**s mout out yah again ..SHUT IT UUUUUP!!
One of the neighbors walking by heard the disgruntled FH and stopped to inquire.
Jazz: FH - mi run come dung yah when mi hear Tarzan a bark like im si duppy ..is everyting aright sista?
[b]FH: Jazz dem noh teef out mi sinting dem yesiday when mi deh a di picnic .. Mi seh dem people yah bareface noh rahtid! fram mi bawn mi neva know bout henybadi who can get pleasure outta teefing from smaddy else yard.
Jazz: A LIE!! … dem burgula yuh fi troots?
FH: come look if yuh tink mi a lie mi a tell ..
Jazz: Lawd - de house empty eeh an look how yuh did a plan fi have yaad sale next week ... Lawd FH yuh mash up bad..di bes advise mi can give yuh is fi put up di ole house fi Sale ar trow wan bashment an sell two juice so yuh can buy back likkle furniture.
FH: Dat is a good brown daag idea!!.. mi can trow wan house warming an Regista a ‘Courts’ an mek people tek time buy back mi furtnitra an appliances… wooiii mi excited! Yuh a goh help mi plan it mi fren?
Jazz:Mi was a malice yuh aff yuh lef di likkle dishwasha jab an lef mi one fi wash dutty plate but a guess mi can help yuh out wid dis one..come mikase mek wi go tell Dgeorge fi help wi advatise di bashment to di new people dem weh a move in ..Wi can ask Xavier fi mek some pretty pretty postas wid im fancy computa siting dem.. and Sista Beluved can mek di announcement ina Church Sunday marning…Come wi have plenty wok fi do and anyting wort doing is wort doing praperly!
The two worked tirelessly night and day to get the house warming together for the following Saturday. The community was excited to have another get together with plenty nyamings.
HOUSE WARMING DAY
====================
The day had finally arrived. FH was expecting several people at her house with no where for them to sit put the floor. Jazz donated food from the restaurant for Sale. The menu was packed with plenty of delights and delicacies for the guest. FH was excited and filled with anxiety as it was getting pass the schedule time:
FH: Is whe di people dem deh man? A nuff a dem pramise fi bring something yuh noh a only hope dem show up ..(Hand on head) Lowd a praying dat dem show up cause yuh can neva trus neega people..especially di one dem weh live bout yah..
Jazz:No worry yuself FH ..dem a come man .. yuh noh know how negga people always late..(Pointing in the distance) Si whole heapa people a come .. weh mi tell yuh?
The guests greeted FH and Jazz on the varandah:
PinkeyLou:FH whapen sista? What a way dem tun yuh place ina Hauntid house man .. Here is mi Cantribution to di wordy cause…
FH: A wha dis? .. It look like one Termos pat!
PinkeyLou: No man betta dan dat! Is a Perculata ..Yuh can mek all sorta tea ina it - chocolate tea, green tea, ginger tea, ice tea, Ganja tea.. Den si mi bring yuh couple Sherly biscuits as complimentary gift
FH: A wha di backside mi a do wid Permulata Pinkey? It betta yuh di bring one Toasta fi mi toast mi bread marning time.
Pinkey: Unu noh use to nutten eeh? ..FH di sinting name Perculata, not Permulata ..Well if yuh noh wan it ..gi mi back .. Mi mus can fine use fi it..Yuh galang like yuh did hav Toasta ina di house before dem rab yuh
Alpha: Yes Pinkey since FH noh want it, galang go set up di Tea pat Pon di varandah cause mi coulda use some ginger tea yah now.. One piece a gas tek up mi belly noh tap yah so… Gi mi one a dem Shirley biscuit to!
BLOZ: Mi self have likkle gas ina mi stomach fram marning ..Like how it look like it aggo start rain! Pinkey beg yuh mek a cup a hat tea fe mi to
FH: Is whe di whole a unu a go wid gas ina mi place?! Unu noh badda tink unu a go poop up di place yuhnoh cause nat even air freshana mi have and di window dem still bolt up since Gilbert paas... Anyway, People step up, step up! .. step up pon an go in!! Bax Juice, bakkle drinks an food buffet style fi sale…Come on in..
AT THE BUFFET TABLE
===================
Msbens: But FH yuh a gwaan wid tings..a nuff bikkle yuh have fi di bashment man..Mek mi tell yuh fram now.. mi noh nyam anyting uglier dan mi.... mi noh want none a dat cow buddy soup, no animal innards.. but mi wi buy a plate a Ackee and Saltfish
BLOZ: Msbens if a laugh a Pop… Yuh eva si di head of a Saltfish yet? .. Well if yuh noh eat nutten uglia dan yuh den mi advise yuh fi tap nyam Saltfish cause yuh teking on a very close resemblance to dat dam ugly fish!
Jooks: Mi si plenty tings inyah weh mi naah nyam a backside..Mi doan like heads or foots, I mean feets on animals..all dat jerk pork smell tink !.. All mi a look nat a BREADFRUIT inyah .. **kiss teet** a guess mi wi buy piece a negro yam an some Ackee
Lynn: Serious ting ..why FH have so much organ meat .. liva an chitlens!!Yuk!!! Dat sh*t smell like wet daag…It look like mi haffi get Pinkey bwail mi a cup a ganja tea fi sekkle mi stomach …I am about to Puke!
UndercovaGirl: (holding her plate) Lynn, beg yuh ask Pinkey fi mek two cup a di ganja tea while yuh at it..Mi ago need sinting strang fi wash dung disyah Okro and Salt Mackeral yah!
Islandmutt: Backside!! A Black Cake dat ova dehso? .. (pushing his way towards the cake) Move outta di way!! ..beg unu paas..mi coming troo
Lawx: Bway miseh Chivalry dead like mi ole granny .. yuh mean dat big grey tone man couldn seh excuse mi..im jus tep pon mi toe like im tink a FH carpet im a walk pon..**cut yeye**
--------------
After they got their food, the guest all huddled on the floor in FH’s living room. The room was unusually silent as the guests ate their meals.. The silence was broken there was knock on the door. When the door was opened, it was nothing more than a late comer:
Kingman: Sup peeps.. mi jus a come.. as unu know mi maada seh shi naah buy noh car fi mi till mi lef callege .. so di King did haffi peddle come pon mi bicycle lol
Mire: **YAWN** .. hey Kingman .. glad yuh reach
Jambrit: (shocked by Kingman’s appearance) Kingman a weh yuh a go wid dat brite green/yellow/orange/gold shut....an look how yuh pants a heng dung paas yuh waist a show yuh bad cola brief!
Kingman: lol yu funny noh rahtid lol .. hush up yuh mout cause yuh naah seh nutten wid dat brite red lipstick. A caan tan si black ooman ina red lipstick ..unu feva dem dam circus clown to raccus lol
QueenB: But si yah is who tell yuh seh yuh qualify fi judge anyting pan ooman. Yuh soun like some ooman jus diss yuh outta street.. sour grapes Kingman?
Kingman: lol queenb, are u a crack head? lol if I see a black ooman inna red lipstick, a pire laff mi a laff lol. As mi come inyah unu jump pon mi..lol…All who noh like di Kingman come faward lol. Mi ready fi unu lol
Msbens: Kingman come in a sit yuh *ss dung wid yuh big crusty lip dem ..yuh coudn rub up some chapstick pan yuh lip dem before yuh come a people place?!
Sugacane: (laughing) Den ketch him wid di bandanna roun im head wit de dutty rag an Kangal hat noh. Kingman yuh noh si how yuh look like poppy show ina di place?..wooi if a laugh a si Jesas!
ThirdEye: (DWL!) Unu leave Kingman alone ..Unu noh know already seh im is one picket short of a fence an 'bout 1 slice a bread short of a turkey sandwich.
Kingman: lol unu oomen are freakin funny. a guess de wul a unu man are GQ and well dress..Nutten tun mi aff more dan a gayl who chat too much an dont know what the hell she is talking about.
Alpha: Yuh si how yuh tan .. when yuh ready fi call wi ooman all sorta name whe come outta yuh mout yuh noh pet nar powda..but when wi a run likkle joke wid yuh, yuh ready fi start some ‘ish’ and a “lol” like ediat....
Kingman: Alpha, hush up yuh mout lol when mi bring some cantraversial tings to unu ,unu cuss mi out lol but when unu seh anyting bout di king evrybady a laugh afta mi lol. A lie mi a tell?
Willowdog2x: Kingman mek a gi yuh a piece of advice.. dem seh ”Words of Women can be annoying. But yet he who does noh lissen to dem is a dam fool!”....So stap playing a dam fool an go ina di kitchen goh hole a plate a food an come res yuh self.
Kingman: Whe FH have in deh fi nyam anyway . I man noh nyam steam fish and banana and dem tings deh yuh noh .. strickly manish wata mi waan
Guinepe: Kingman, yuh can get anyting youh waan but yuh fi try di icecream .. it taste good yu si (licking her her lips as she savored it’s flavor)
Islandmut: Dam Guinppe all that licking, slurping, and sucking a get mi tinking some devious tings.. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]
Guinipe: Why when mi a lick ice-cream and suck pon Banana man always a gi mi dem sleazy look an comments deh?!
SugaCane: Ain’t dat di gospel trut! When me a tongue dung a bakkle a Heineken di man dem always ah stare hafta me. Anytime yuh si mi start lick di bakkle head an dip me tongue inside it fe test if de sinting is good yu si sweat a run aff dem farrid an dem pants front a pint pan mi!
Gunippe: Wait! SugaCane - mi know yuh feh years and mi nevva know sey yuh duh bokkle likkin..gal show wi how fi do dat noh ...beg yuh PLEASE
Sugacane: Airight mek a school unu ..mi ago tek dis hennykin bakkle an show unu weh mi di do .,watch mi close!
She took the bottle and slowly stretched out her tongue and massaged the bottle from the head, encircling the tip and running her tongue along the side of the bottle.
Ja-kid: JESAS CHRIST!! Unnu ooman bad yu noh! Unnu need some big lick! Unu can tek dat deh any way unnu waan .. Please excuse mi ladies, mi a go ina FH batroom fi a bout a hour.. mi have some “hands on” work fi go do [img]/forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif[/img]
They all laughed as Ja-kid rushed to the bathroom squeezing his legs together.
IslandMutt: Unu ooman need help fi troot … unu a go tan yah gi all a wi blue balls before wi lef.. Look all pon yuh miss BLOZ wid yuh “high beams”a shine ina mi face and fram which part mi siddung, mi know seh Jazz noh gat on noh draws!
BLOZ: Yow Mutty lef mi alone..di brazier dem uncomfortable! All mi need a mi "wife beater" an mi irie .. mi love di likkle freedom! an is 1 less ting fe tek off when mi a go bade
Mire: All you people who noh wear bra mek mi ask unu sinting now - how unno stan di heap a jigglingness???.. an Jazz yuh noh fraid yuh ketch cole ina yuh behine!
Jazz: Mire if mi was eva invisible mi woulda walk round butt nekkid all de time ..Everyday now an den mi tek aff mi draws an air out likkle..mi jus neva ina di mood fi put on nung tidey.. Mutty please tap lok anda mi frack!!
Msbens: Not a ting noh wrang wid likkle breeze out yah Jazz !..likkle breeze nah go kill yu, sometime de thong dem so small might dat is like yuh naah wear nutten.. mi caan tan walk roun wid piece a ***** all up in mi derrire !
Fern: Dat is where di finga come in Msbens! .. Jus tek yuh big finga an dig it out till it come loose.. If unu eva know di use of a finga unu woulda marvel.. Mi tek all mi finga an flip bugga outta mi nose like a noh nutten.
Honeyface: Fern mi noh need mi finga fi do dat. when bugga ina mi nose mi man clear it out fi mi wid im mout when mi nose stap up..
Queen: EEEUU!! Lawd Jesas peeze .. unu noh si seh people a nyam dem food?!! Honeyface yuh man suck booga outta yuh nose ole? Whateva float yuh boat misis.. mi couldn do dat fi love nar money.. mi wi pick mi owna boogas.
Hottie Hott: Lowd Honeyface, dat is a likkle bit too comfortable..laawd why him haffi suck it out...ewwwwwww dat is nasty!!!..den again atleast yuh gat one man.. mi wouldn mine hav a man fi pick out a booger or 2 outta mi nose inna public fi mi ..
Mire: ) Unu excuse mi ...a meking a run to di batroom
KLH: Unu si unu mek Mire a vamit up di place?..Mek unu soh blasitd disgusting?! Cho!
GIFT OPENING:
It was clearly time to change the subject so Jazz announced that it was time for FH to open her gifts. FH sat in the center of the room with a big smile on her face as she saw the piles of boxes that awaited her. The first box was handed to her:
FH: wooy yoweee ! Dis is a heavy one .. a wanda a what in here .. Let’s see “from Brownsugga with Love”…Tanks mi fren (she rips the paper open ) WOOOO Mi very own Phillips TV!!!!
Brownsugga: FH mi know yuh did want a 27 inch but misis mi jus buy one tun load a Baby clothes fi mi God pickney an mi stone bruck. An dat likkle 13 inch TV is all mi could afford fi buy…Mi know it small but a di taught dat count.
FH: Afta dis noh look like any a di TV mi si dung a Courts BrownSugga!
BrownSugga: Courts?!! Misis a dung a Bandido Pawn shop mi pick dat up fi $12.50! All it need a one attena an yuh set..
Mire: .Smaddy string it up mek wi si fi it a wok..mi wouldn mine ketch likkle Oprah .. shi have a show pon ‘Confessions’ an mi noh waan miss it! **YAWN**
Islandmutt: If wi a watch anyting mek wi watch likkle sitcom .. Married wid Children even likkle cartoon.. Oprah tun mi aff when mi pictra har widout make-up an thongs pan har big *ss!
Wutlis: I say wi watch di Golden Girls! Yeah Man! Wendy remine mi a Blanche how shi feisty an manny- manny!
Wendy Bwaay noh mek mi tell yuh places fi come kiss out! GOH DEAD A BUSH!! If mi was yuh mi would wipe out di matta outta mi yeye carna..mi noh si how yuh a go watch Golden Girls wid yuh yeye dem full a mata!
FH: Lawd Help mi ! Unu tap it! Wi naah watch nutten inyah til mi open di laas bax ..anyway tanks Sugga ..Ok is what dat ting ina di foil paypa?!..paas it gi mi deh.. “from Magaman.. I made it miself..hope yuh like it”. Ok dis mi haffi si.. (frowned face as she unwraps the package) A wah dis Magaman??!!
Magaman: A some fry fish an bammy mi carry fi yuh babylove
FH: Kiss mi rat tail! Magabway a whe yuh a go wid bammy an fish?? Yuh neva hear seh mi regista a Courts an a furnitra an appliances mi waan ..
Magaman: FH cool noh man ..Noh fret yuh house soon pack up wid furnitra ma. Mi figa seh everybadyelse wi bring yuh furnitra so mi jus bring a likkle something fi yuh tast bud [img]/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]
FH: Cuite C, carry dis go trow gi di daag fi mi please..mi noh know a wha dat dis bwaay carry come a mi house warming.. next bax please!
Blessed: [/b Fi tell yuh di troot mineva have no money fi buy what yuh did waan but I know you can use this FH.. is jus a likle somting something..
FH: Ok .. let’s see ..scissors, pen, stapler, note pad.. a whe mi ago do wid dem foolishness yah Blessed?
Blessed: Cho man yuh mus can fine likkle use fi dem .. Yuh know di trubble mi go troo fi get dem? A teif mi teif dem fram di office cause dem owe it to me far all di hard work mi do..
FH: Mi can neva andastan why unu love teif wha noh belang to unu so? A more craasis yuh a try bring dung pon mi a carry teifing good ina mi place?
Blessed: Look FH mi tried of mi boss tinking im own mi soul..di likkle money dem a pay mi, mi caan afford fi buy yuh nat even plate ***** so yuh betta bi tankful!
Lawx: Ok FH, open mine yuh gwine love is.. is some lovely draperies fi yuh window dem
FH: Tanks yaah mi fren .. but lawks a di fus curtain dem mi so tick and heavy!
Lawx: If yuh neigbah dem is as faas as fi mi dem - di ticka di betta .. yuh noh wan nubady a look up ina yuh house a faas ina yuh bizniz… fi mi own dem so bad dat mi haffi scale mi back fence when mi ago anyweh.. mi caan even bake mi puddun in piece to rahtid ..
FH: A true yuh noh Lawx.. mi neighba fi eva a come ova yah a sell Avon products. One neda one shi come ya a sell Tupperware ..nutten more dan a faas dem a come yah fi faas.. yuh know nat one a dem did si a who teef out di whole a mi sinting dem?!! When dem fi faas to r**s yuh noh si dem a faas. Bway a tell yuh bout dem people here..
Finally, FH had opened all her gifts but wasn’t really pleased with all her gifts. There were no more boxes to open. One by one the guest expressed their desire to leave:
Sistagirl: **YAWN** a 9 aclack now an paas my bed time .. if mi noh ketch a mi bed soon mi caan wake up fi go work 5’aclack a marning.. mi wi si unu
Lynn: Like howmi suffa wid insomnia mi noh waan stay yah too late.. mek mi goh home goh ketch di 11:00 evening news cause a it alone can put mi to sleep.
FH: Tank unu fi coming out an supporting me troo dis rough time. I am tankful for the gifts – some a dem atleast **roll eyes**.. Bway oh Bway, if mi did know seh mi was gwine loose mi siting dem mi woulda neva buy dis blastid house an go tek mi money buy a boat and live a sea.
Jadine: No mine yaah FH come mi gi yuh a hug ..((FH)).. a one ting mi sarry bout dowe .. usually when mi go out anyweh mi is a ooman weh callect even a likkle Key ring but since yuh noh have nutten fi gi mi, mi can callect di res a food whe lef ina di ktchen an tek dem offa yuh hans ..whe yuh seh bout dat mi fren?
FH: Airight galang go tek wah lef..Jus noh tek up anyting else whe no belong to yuh cause unu can bi soh red yeye an finga fearing! **roll eyes**
The guest left wishing FH good luck. FH was relieved that the day had come an past.. she went into the kitchen to clean up. She stumbled on someone lying on the floor knocked out!
FH: But my heavens! ..(she walks over and shakes the person) Likkle girl!! ..likkle girl get up! .. time fi goh a yuh yaad!
UndercoverGirl: (floating down from the high from the ganja tea she was drinking)Eeh? Wha yuh seh?...a wha a gwaan in here...*yawn*. Whe di party deh? .. Oh a yuh FH..mi seh.a di wickedest sleep dat mi eva ketch inna long time...Di ganja tea did nice noh fawt.. yuh gat anymore?
FH: Party done ..yuh *ss noh need noh more ganja tea..come goh a yuh yaad!
UndecoverGirl: Airight FH mi a come go bout mi bizniz ..Nice birtday party ..Happy Birthday yuh hear.. Septemba people a di bes..
[img]/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]