Rethink our lives after serious disease?

[Nylah]

Re: Rethink our lives after serious disease?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: turtledude</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> </div></div>

tonks for the hug




<span style="font-style: italic">you know I was giving you props for being far more eloquent and succient than me</span>

[Peasie]

Re: Rethink our lives after serious disease?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Ja. Jewel</div><div class="ubbcode-body">What are your thoughts on a person who has gone through a major illness with an inevitable prognosis who has returned to his ways of dealing with people in the same way &amp; has not changed anything about his approach to life? </div></div>
Maybe this person's thoughts are: Rain falls on the just and the unjust, so why even bother? I guess some people choose to see a major illness or disaster as a way of exploring something different within themselves or within their world. Others just accept it as a bump in the road they were traveling on and just shrug it off.

[Dr.Dudd]

Re: Rethink our lives after serious disease?

Maybe they come to the point where they are convinced, of what they really value more.
And decide that it is not what they thought they did.
So they make a decision to change. and this change is an attempt to live in a way to achieve this new goal.
Though the new change may not be the right way either, but at lease they did not stick to the tried and failed way know will not achieve their goals.

[Dr.Dudd]

Re: Rethink our lives after serious disease?

They probably honestly believe that changes won't make their life be any better.
Or they find it more difficult to make the change than they can overcome.<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Ja. Jewel</div><div class="ubbcode-body">What are your thoughts on a person who has gone through a major illness with an inevitable prognosis who has returned to his ways of dealing with people in the same way &amp; has not changed anything about his approach to life? </div></div>

[DC]

Re: Rethink our lives after serious disease?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Peasie</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Not only with a serious disease but even with a crisis. I went through a minor crisis with my older son. No detail, suffice to say it went beyond typical teenage angst. After I weathered the crisis, I found I was more accepting (even forgiving ) of some flaws in others that would have really annoyed me before.

I guess some experiences can make us better persons.

But then again, these same experiences can make some of us even more bitter Do you agree? </div></div>

I agree

I think it boils down to choices. When we have come through our experiences, I guess we have the choice to use them as stepping stones and/or teachable moments, or we just stay 'stuck' in the self-pity, woe-is-me mode for a longer time than needed. The longer we stay in that mode, the intense painful feelings/emotions can be so strained that they eventually become bitter. So instead of humbly accepting that change in our selves, we allow the bitter stagnancy of our emotional state to rule our motives and our responses to others, thus making our lives-and other lives-miserable!

No wonder the Bible says 'in all things give thanks', because the Word is reminding us to still maintain that perspective even as we go through hardship, as it makes us a better-not bitter-person in the end. We may start out being bitter, but we do not end being bitter-just better. When we reach the point when we can truly say 'it could be worse', then we are able to give thanks for that perspective, because truly, it could have been worse!

I still think life is a matter of perspective.

Being thankful, being happy, being joyful, being free is a choice. Choose ye this day...

[Ja. Jewel]

Re: Rethink our lives after serious disease?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Dr.Dudd</div><div class="ubbcode-body">They probably honestly believe that changes won't make their life be any better.
Or they find it more difficult to make the change than they can overcome.<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Ja. Jewel</div><div class="ubbcode-body">What are your thoughts on a person who has gone through a major illness with an inevitable prognosis who has returned to his ways of dealing with people in the same way &amp; has not changed anything about his approach to life? </div></div> </div></div>

Think you hit the nail on the head here Dr. Dudd....it's late &amp; I need to go to my bed, but will return to comment. Thanks for the insight.

[Stormmey]

Re: Rethink our lives after serious disease?

Peasie, very good post and you will never know how much it struck a nerve within me. <span style="font-weight: bold">Lawd Nylah you so eloquent </span>

I hold grudges and I do not mean I sit around thinking of all the ills I can do to you but you do something or hurt me and I will detest you for an internity and when that door closes in my head (am good at doing that) you cease to exist for me.

I am almost 27 years old and as long as I can remember I had an angst with my Mom was always trying to get her approval and she just ignored me. A little history I grew with my granperes after my Dad died (he was jamaican)when my Mom returned to Canada I was almost 2 my Mom left home went on with her life and I was the granpers responsibility. Looking back I was not an easy kid to raise

Anyway, I never felt I had the Mom's love but just realized she was hurting too and I was a constant reminder of why she was hurting. No matter how hard I tried to get her affection the further and colder she acted towards me. Anyway when I was 10 likkle bro was born (she remarried) and lawd me did detest him so simply because he was her universe. So I pulled back started ignoring her too and we went on this way for years. She finally approached me and we ironed out some issues we still not where Mother and daughter should be but we getting there.

I adore my little bro but when he was growing I convinced myself up to age 15 that if he were not around Mom would love me, anyway got over that and he and I are so close now

He had cancer which is in remission but still have some health issues like no immune system and sometimes I ache for him so much it hurts. I can relate to the article Peasie because since my likkle bro got ill I have started rethinking my actions toward a KKK uncle that died, he hated my guts simply because I am bi-racial. when he was dying he tried to make his peace with me, I eventually went to see him in the hospital and told him if there was a hell I hope he suffers there for all the name calling he did to me and all the wicked things he did to people of colour. Now he was an outcast from the family because of who he was and I was warned as a kid not to be ever alone with him without an adult around. Damn I used to be scared of himas a kid.

Well when likkle bro got ill and I thought I was going to lose him, my KKK uncle kept popping into my thoughts, like dear lord I should have made my peace with him before he died I am getting better at not holding grudges if you do something to me but still not all there

anyway me dun and yes mi know mi type a sermon above but a so mi tan

[Peasie]

Re: Rethink our lives after serious disease?

Wow Stormney, that is a traumatic situation for anyone to go through. You've also had a heavier than most emotional load to bear during your young years. But you've grown from it, haven't you?

Addressing only the 'KKK uncle' situation: Part of growing up is accepting that we are never going to please some people, especially our relatives. It was VERY unfair for this uncle to try to dump his contriteness on you as he faced the end of his life. Sounds tough, but I think he really was self-serving in his desire to ask forgiveness.

Though you feel badly, please allow yourself to accept that you were just not able to handle that emotional unload at such as young age. You had no control over a dying relative trying to make amends at the end of his life. It really wasn't up to you to grant him forgiveness.

Forgive yourself, keep heart, and take care.

[Nylah]

Re: Rethink our lives after serious disease?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">. It really wasn't up to you to grant forgiveness </div></div>



I dont think u should compare what ur uncle asked of u to what ur were experiencing with your brother. Not even close

[Stormmey]

Re: Rethink our lives after serious disease?

Nylah maybe I didn't explain myself clearly enough.

I wasn't really comparing, the anguish I felt when I thought likkle bro would not recover, I suddenly felt empathy towards Mr. KKK. If I felt all this anguish for little bro,Mr. KKK must have been petrified knowing he was dying and not able to get a kind word from me. I remember when I told him basically that I did't give a rats a.z.z. that he was dying I actually felt sorry for him when the tears started flowing down his face.

I walked out and never looked back I didn't even go to the funeral because I felt that would be hypocritical.

[Nylah]

Re: Rethink our lives after serious disease?



stormmey I did actually understand that is what u meant. Even so, I agree with Peasie.

What was being asked was a lot from u at the time. And yes u may be able to look back and have a bit of sympathy for ur uncle being scared to face his mortality and not getting a kind word from u but I dont feel u need to beat urself up for it. you feel for your brother because u genuinely love him inspite of anything that may have happened in the past. For this uncle that was never the case.
So yes, u grew up a little and can now see how scared ur Uncle must have been but his fear isnt the same as ur brother's fear facing the same possible outcome...you get what I am saying now. There is no comparision. Your borther's fear wasnt due to him living a bad life and now wanting to repent in case he didnt make it.

I know many will disagree with me on this and that is fine but it was ur Uncle that needed to say what he said to YOU in order for him to rest in peace. It was not contingent upon your reaction forginving or unforgiving...

[Dr.Dudd]

Re: Rethink our lives after serious disease?


You Did the best you knew how at that stage of your life. You have now grown beyond that stage. It is enough that you have come to realize that it could be done in another way. but you cant blame yourself.
We all grow,in all spheres of life.
Just as you
wouldn't expect a kindergartner to function at the high school level, you cannot expect yourself to behave a ta level you had nor achieve. That is what growth is about.
You will always look back and recognize improvements that you can make if you should have similar experience today.
Give thanks that you have come this far.
There is noting to beat up yourself about.
We all have similar experience in our lives.
this probably will not the last time this happen to you.
But as I said it is evidence of growth. <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Stormmey1</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Nylah maybe I didn't explain myself clearly enough.

I wasn't really comparing, the anguish I felt when I thought likkle bro would not recover, I suddenly felt empathy towards Mr. KKK. If I felt all this anguish for little bro,Mr. KKK must have been petrified knowing he was dying and not able to get a kind word from me. I remember when I told him basically that I did't give a rats a.z.z. that he was dying I actually felt sorry for him when the tears started flowing down his face.

I walked out and never looked back I didn't even go to the funeral because I felt that would be hypocritical.





</div></div>

[Stormmey]

Re: Rethink our lives after serious disease?

Nylah, he did say he was sorry but I felt he was only sorry because he was dying. So, I didn't see it as genuine at the time. At the time I felt it is like a convicted killer he knows he is going down so all of a sudden killer is sorry.

Yes, I do understand what you are saying

[Stormmey]

Re: Rethink our lives after serious disease?

Doc. D, thanks

[Nylah]

Re: Rethink our lives after serious disease?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Stormmey1</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Nylah, he did say he was sorry but I felt he was only sorry because he was dying. So, I didn't see it as genuine at the time. At the time I felt it is like a convicted killer he knows he is going down so all of a sudden killer is sorry.

Yes, I do understand what you are saying </div></div>

Dudd is saying exactly what I mean. It isnt for you to think on what his reasons were. You could only respond from the place inside u where u were at at that age. He needed to say what he said regardless of whether it was genuine or not, to give himself peace. He did what he needed to do to continue his journey. It wasnt for u to give him peace. It was on him to act and give himself what he needed even if it was only because he was dying....that still has a lot of meaning by the way....and leads back to Peasie's original point of the article. Everyone hits their moment of rethinking at different times. And some may not be until they are near death.