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Rules For Cats
Human Guests
Quickly determine which guest hates (or is allergic to) Cats. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange for particularly bad "tuna breath" (or extra dander), so much the better.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For example: White-furred Cats go to black wool clothing. NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.
For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!", be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.
When walking around the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare. If you do feel active, try turning off the light switch if it is within reach; this is usually good for some laughs. Some Cats with a more prankish disposition like to hide behind the White Drinking Bowl and reach around to pat the human on the behind as s/he is sitting down. This will result in expulsion, but it is worth it!
Rules for Dogs
Chewed up underwear/feminine hygiene products/poop from the backyard is NOT a "toy" to be offered to guests.
Daddy gets embarrassed when I stare at his peeper when he is getting ready for a shower.
I can walk faster than one inch an hour.
I do not need to dribble my last drink of toilet water on Mommy's bedspread.
I will not bury my Gooey Chewy in Mommy and Daddy's bed.
I will not do the "dog sled" (drag my bottom) when guests are present.
I will not hump the feather duster whilst making ungodly noises in front of my humans friends.
I will not lick lotion off my Mom's legs; she doesn't need my help.
Rolling in unmentionable things does not make me more attractive.
Human Guests
Quickly determine which guest hates (or is allergic to) Cats. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange for particularly bad "tuna breath" (or extra dander), so much the better.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For example: White-furred Cats go to black wool clothing. NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.
For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!", be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.
When walking around the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare. If you do feel active, try turning off the light switch if it is within reach; this is usually good for some laughs. Some Cats with a more prankish disposition like to hide behind the White Drinking Bowl and reach around to pat the human on the behind as s/he is sitting down. This will result in expulsion, but it is worth it!
Rules for Dogs
Chewed up underwear/feminine hygiene products/poop from the backyard is NOT a "toy" to be offered to guests.
Daddy gets embarrassed when I stare at his peeper when he is getting ready for a shower.
I can walk faster than one inch an hour.
I do not need to dribble my last drink of toilet water on Mommy's bedspread.
I will not bury my Gooey Chewy in Mommy and Daddy's bed.
I will not do the "dog sled" (drag my bottom) when guests are present.
I will not hump the feather duster whilst making ungodly noises in front of my humans friends.
I will not lick lotion off my Mom's legs; she doesn't need my help.
Rolling in unmentionable things does not make me more attractive.
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