After daughter hits dad, relations sour

[evanovitch]

Kimesha Walters, Gleaner Writer

<span style="font-weight: bold">POSITIVE Parenting</span>

She was supposed to wait for her father to pick her up from school. Instead, she decided to take a bus. When her father confronted her, it led to a heated exchange. Words darted from father to child, and a bitter relationship took a turn for the worse.

&quot;<span style="font-weight: bold">She fight me,&quot; said James Chambers, his voice trailing off. He hesitated. &quot;It's more than one or two times,&quot; he added, while explaining that his daughter was never wrong in her mother's eyes. This, he says, made the situation increasingly difficult.</span>

<span style="font-weight: bold">&quot;If her mother even blame her, it's behind my back and that gave her power,&quot; he said, anger apparent in his voice. &quot;I don't really care for her. ... I can't do it anymore.&quot;</span>

Attempts to get assistance from a counsellor failed, as he never went back. This was partly because the counsellor was trying to blame him for the developments, he said.

Chambers has found a way to resolve the issue. He has tried to forget the fights and arguments so that he can move on with his life. &quot;It's hard to explain how I manage but it's like I forget it,&quot; he said. <span style="font-weight: bold">Though his daughter still lives with him, they do not speak.</span>

Chambers has one bit of advice for parents struggling with unruly children: &quot;If the child is out of control, leave the child alone. Some day they (children) will find out their mistake but one thing, when you (the children) find it out, don't come back to me,&quot; he said unapologetically.

Name changed to protect identity.

<span style="font-weight: bold">Did this father handle the situation right? How would you have handled it?</span> Let us know. Send your email to [email protected] or fax at 922-622

[rufian]

Re: After daughter hits dad, relations sour

nonsense

[CeaBee]

Re: After daughter hits dad, relations sour

would love to hear the daughter's side of the argument.

she lift her hand to him cause him was violent to her on a regular basis and she tired a it....or it just come outta the blue suh?

[rufian]

Re: After daughter hits dad, relations sour

I dont know why the title says positive parenting, it is quite the opposite. Would have also loved to hear the exchange. He seems incapable of taking responsibilities and blames everybody for his shortcomings, it is the mother or it is the child and he is Father Superior.

[evanovitch]

Re: After daughter hits dad, relations sour

to me, it links wid di advice the father states in the closing paragraph an is followed thru wid di ?s asked by the writer, of the reading public....

was he, the father correct?...is this positive parenting?

[julie*mango]

Re: After daughter hits dad, relations sour

I think he did the right thing...in leaving her alone to time...however his dismissing her completely should she see the error of her ways is not right

[Yvonne N.]

Re: After daughter hits dad, relations sour

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: sukuna</div><div class="ubbcode-body">nonsense </div></div>

explain...

[Yvonne N.]

Re: After daughter hits dad, relations sour

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ceabee</div><div class="ubbcode-body">would love to hear the daughter's side of the argument.

she lift her hand to him cause him was violent to her on a regular basis and she tired a it....or it just come outta the blue suh? </div></div>

One trait of indiscipline in some children is that they do not see you as the adult; dem tink seh yu and dem deh pon di same level...so yes..she wi raise har han...

[evanovitch]

responses


Last Monday, we carried a story in our POSITIVE Parenting feature in which a bewildered father spoke of the bitter relationship between himself and his daughter.

&quot;She fights me,&quot; he said. &quot;It's more than one or two times.&quot; This father has now thrown in the towel. He is finished with his daughter, he said, although she still lives in his house.

We asked readers to state whether that was the best way of handling the situation and how they would have dealt with it. Scores of responses came in from parents, children and counsellors in Jamaica, the United States and elsewhere. Here are some of the responses.


Totally unacceptable!

This is totally unacceptable and mind-boggling, but the first problem to be dealt with is the relationship with the child's mother. Parents should, at all times, present a united front to their children. If they disagree on anything regarding the children, this should be discussed in private without the children hearing. It might be necessary to take a walk away from the children so as to facilitate the discussion. Children can really play on a situation when they feel they have the ear of one parent.

The father has some blame in this situation too. Where has he been that his daughter would have the nerve to fight him? Discipline should have been an ongoing strategy with this child. If this child can fight her father, what do you think she will do or is doing to other children?

Seeking counselling is good, but does he have a viable relationship with his family? He needs to be calm in starting to communicate with his family. In a family discussion, he must be in charge. Take hold of your family. Seeking counselling can be viewed as a failure to a rebellious child. But, if that is the last resort, he will have to avail the whole family of this service.

Everybody has a cellphone. Could either of them call to apprise the other of problems encountered? Why didn't she call her mother?

If this child does not get the help needed, her future is bleak. We cannot afford to lose another young child.

Charlene Ward

USA



My mother threw a chair at me

Reading the article, I assume that this girl is below the age of 18.

Parents often get carried away when situations occur and this is even more so in front of friends or in public places on a whole.

But respect begets respect. The father could have handled the situation better in his choice of words and how this is communicated.

I have a similar situation where my mother embarrassed me in front friends while talking to me. There was even a point where she threw a chair at me all because I disagreed with her.

Parents should be very careful how they respond in situations as children won't remain small forever. Seek help if you are unable to handle or deal with problems that may arise before you say or do something that is stupid and will regret.

Novalee Clarke



Deal with her as an adult

I strongly think that he has handled it well. Any child who feels he/she is too big to adhere to authority in the home or even at school must be dealt with as an adult.

Dem pickney ya fi know seh wi adult ramp ruff!

Denroy Johnson



Brute force does not work

I think that based on the story of the dad, the girl seem to be having some interpersonal problems.

The child seems to be rebelling for some reason. We first need to find the root of her problem beginning with counselling. The father, on the other hand, also needs counselling as he needs guidance. The father made a bad choice to give up on the child and allow the child to make her own decisions. The child needs to acknowledge who the parent is and the parent needs to have that child acknowledge who the adult is.

I believe that children make mistakes and adults make decisions. It was very wrong for the father to cease communication with the child. The child needs discipline and brute force does not work. Tough love does.

Jodiemoy Lewis


He needs counselling

Unfortunate to say, but Mr Chambers has not found a way to resolve the issue with his daughter. What he is doing in avoiding the issue.

Interestingly, is this his biological child? Mr and Mrs Chambers should be in counselling to address their relationship. Why would a mother side with her teenage child against the father? This usually happens when it is a stepfather (even though it is also wrong). I once had a client whose mother would speak negatively about her husband (client's stepfather) then get mad with the client when she was disrespectful to him. It is not easy to say what the father should do when the entire family dynamics is not known.

Father should go to counselling on his own (most men won't do this). When he has gained some confidence in himself and raised his self-esteem, he should confront his daughter in a lovely, caring manner. Apologise for anything he might have done (Mat 5:23).

You will be surprised at what might come out. In couples' counselling, he should have his wife define what she expects his role as the head of household/parent to be. Importantly, make sure he is beyond reproach - he is not involved in any extramarital affair that the daughter might be privy to and is acting out as a result of her knowledge of it. It is a very difficult thing for a child to find out that one parent is being unfaithful to the other.

Yvonne Rose-Green,

EdD, LMHC



Don't give up on her

Did the father in your article handle the situation right? It depends on how you see the situation. As a father of four girls, I would kill for my daughters if anybody was to abuse any of them. The thought that this man would give up on his daughter regardless of the situation is shocking, and I quote &quot;I don't really care for her. ... I can't do it anymore.&quot; As long as the child's mother is not preventing him from having a father relationship with is daughter, he must not give up on her!

As a father, the relationship you have with your daughter teaches her what value she has as a person. Her identity in life and self-worth develop from how you interact with her as a father. If you were to neglect her, she learns to neglect herself in later life. If you abuse her, she will learn to take abuse or become a victim of abusive relationships. If you respect her as a person and show her love and affection as a father, she will learn to respect herself and others. The way you relate with your daughter will definitely determine how she will relate with others, and what kind of family life she will create for herself in the future.

Girl children need the presence and the active involvement of their father in their everyday life. A daughter's first relationship with her father is usually her first male-female relationship. A mother cannot fill the role of a father in the same way that a father can in his girl child/children's life. Nor can a father be a mother for his children. Along with the serious responsibility of being a father, a girl child's first and most influential male role model in her life is her father.

Cottrell Hyatt


Don't fight fire with fire

This is truly a good one for a youth forum.

One of the difficult things that parents encounter is the ability to listen effectively to their children. Many parents do not understand the relationship between listening and silence; as a result, we (parents) fail to recognise the individual differences in our children. The most important common denominator is surrounding our children with real love.

Children 'live what they learn' and parents, in demonstrating 'real love', must remember that quite often the reaction we get from our child is a copy of our own behaviour or thought pattern when we were young.

Discipline is a critical variable in a child's development and it should move gradually from preventative to corrective and ultimately to punitive. The father's duty is to nurture his child. This is sometimes a rocky and difficult process but we have to stick to it and keep on trying. It is not always prudent to fight fire with fire, we must try water sometimes; more flies are caught with honey than with vinegar. The child might have strong views and there is nothing wrong with that; nevertheless, parents must learn how to harness the strengths demonstrated and convert them into positive output.

We should try not to walk away, as that will only suggest to them that this is how they should deal with these problems when they arise. However, if we are forced to walk in order to ensure a peaceful existence, we should not close the door of reconciliation, since in the final analysis, our children's development is our responsibility and while we can delegate the authority to a competent authority, the sad reality is that we ought not to abdicate that responsibility.

Life is not always fair, but God is always good.

One love

clive savage



Who is adult in the relationship?

With reference to your case of the dispute between daughter and father, I would like to ask: Who is the adult in that relationship?

Children from an early age have to be set guidelines, rules and boundaries. As adults, we have a responsibility to our children to teach by example.

If boundaries are set and these are not followed or respected by our children, it is our responsibility as parents to ensure that our children know that there are consequences for not following these rules.

If our children are disobedient, how can we just leave them alone? Who is supposed to correct them?

I don't think this father handled the situation correctly. By living in a house with a child, and both of them are not speaking to each other, what does that teach the child? My father doesn't care enough to correct me and love me just the same in spite of my mistakes?

Children will always make mistakes and need to know that our love for them is unconditional. However, we, as parents, will not stand aside and allow them to be disrespectful and disobedient without consequences.

I don't think I should have to beat a child, shout or swear at a child in order for me to get my point across.

After living in the United Kingdom for some years, I have seen the rapid decline in family life and values, and I have always prided myself in my Jamaican upbringing, (apart from the licks of course, lol).

I strongly believe in positive parenting. Nobody is born a parent and knows everything, but there is so much information and help around. We just need to find a way to get that help and information out there to parents without them feeling like we are trying to tell them how to raise their children.

Kyana