Abusive?

[Fyah]

I visited a friend upstate last Saturday and have not been able to get the following events out of my mind:

She spent an abnormal amount of time on Facebook and on several occasions, her 7 year old son would approach her to ask a question or to simply get attention and she would literally scream at the top of her lungs at him. He would quickly scamper away and become pre-occupied with something else.

I decided to spend some time with him just to talk to him and was surprised at how open he was about his feelings for his mother.

He told me that he thinks that the way his mom speaks with him is very bad because she told him that he looks too much like his dad who does not love her. He said he does not want to make her mad at him when she is on the computer, and also said that he loves his mom because he does not want to be like his dad. He asked me not to tell his mom what he's told me.

I did speak with my friend and tried (without jeoardizing her son's trust in me) to get her to focus more and recognize the hurt she is causing, but don't believe that I was successful.

He will be spending a few days with me next week. I would appreciate any suggestions in how you think I could help them both?

Thanx

[Gen]

Re: Abusive?

[f0rTyLeGz]

Re: Abusive?

Spots. Your friend sounds like an abusive, and immature parent to me. Telling a child that their "looks" bother them is awful, and screaming at them is unforgivable. For the kid to get over these events the parent must APOLOGIZE and never do it again... what are the chances of that it this case? Not good.

I think maybe you should try saying something like, "I get the feeling that you are under a lot of stress... have you been getting any help through this? Have you talked to anyone?" Because I think if she talks to a marriage counselor or psychologist then they will quickly grasp what is going on in her family.

She needs to see herself, and I think it is great that you recognize the trouble she is in. Best if you can encourage her to get a touch of advice from a professional.

[Seveen]

Re: Abusive?

this is a slippery slope

you could lose friendship with the mom altogether and have no access to the son

have the best time ever with the son next week

show him a good time

maybe encourage <span style="font-style: italic">him</span> to talk with his mom about these things on his own

i hope dad is still involved in his life too - or some male mentor (granddad, uncles)

if mom is newly single she may still be getting adjusted to being a single mom - it can be overwhelming at first

i have a friend that regularly talks to my son - and reports back to me on the discussions - i maintain confidentially - somewhat - but i do ask him what did he and auntie talk about - and then have my own discussions with him on the same topics

[f0rTyLeGz]

Re: Abusive?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Seveen</div><div class="ubbcode-body">i have a friend that regularly talks to my son - and reports back to me on the discussions - i maintain confidentially - somewhat - but i do ask him what did he and auntie talk about - and then have my own discussions with him on the same topics</div></div>
I think that that is disloyal Seveen. It puts kids on the spot between grownups. I think that kid's relationships should be treated with all the respect that grownup relationships are.

I guess Im saying that I wouldn't want a friend to &quot;report back to me on the(ir) discussions.&quot; What <span style="font-style: italic">good</span> could come out of that knowledge? Won't your child learn to &quot;not disclose&quot; to adults?

[Seveen]

Re: Abusive?

even if i take my son to a psychologist - some information has to circle back to me - for adjustment, correction or what's the point?

[f0rTyLeGz]

Re: Abusive?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Seveen</div><div class="ubbcode-body">even if i take my son to a psychologist - some information has to circle back to me - for adjustment, correction or what's the point? </div></div>
Hmm a psychologist is different from a friend... I guess. But it would still bother me I feel.

But Im not sure what you mean by &quot;adjustment, correction.&quot;

[Seveen]

Re: Abusive?

the friend is a trained guidance counselor

by corrections/adjustments - i mean correcting things that may be bothering him or talking with him about things that we wants to talk about - that i may be overlooking

the friend is not a &quot;snitch&quot; - she's not telling me if there are condoms under his mattress - LOL

just areas i may want to think about

same as SPOT tried to do with her friend

[f0rTyLeGz]

Re: Abusive?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Seveen</div><div class="ubbcode-body">the friend is a trained guidance counselor

by corrections/adjustments - i mean correcting things that may be bothering him or talking with him about things that we wants to talk about - that i may be overlooking

the friend is not a &quot;snitch&quot; - she's not telling me if there are condoms under his mattress - LOL

just areas i may want to think about

same as SPOT tried to do with her friend</div></div>
Exactly. The seven year old was afraid that SPOTS would be disloyal.

Some relationships we know our behavior will be shared with our parents... like teachers and parents.

There is nothing more precious than a friend who we KNOW will not talk about us behind our back.

Perhaps guidance counselors and psychologists tell kids at the start that they will be sharing stuff with their parents?

Just my take Seveen, dont think nothing, but I wouldnt want a guidance counselor telling me subjects that might be troubling my child, or topics that might be on their minds that I might want to bring up. Maybe that's how things are done these days?

[Seveen]

Re: Abusive?

how old are your kids? just want to know . . .

[Kurlie]

Re: Abusive?

Spots, how old st the Mom and what is/was her upbringing like?

[mariane]

Re: Abusive?

yea this is a difficult one.. But!!! I really think his mom needs to take stock of what she's doing and how her son feels!
What I would do is casually mention... that her son is very good at stories ..he told you one the last time you visited.. About &quot;this little boy&quot; who was the same age as he was and!!!! blah blah ..just has you told us.

Explain how upset he got when he talking and ask if she knows who he could have been talking about? Could it be someone he is friends with at school? because it seemed so real!

And as its been said already just be sure to throw in a few extra treats whilst he's with you .. he sounds like he could use a break

tough one .. moms cant be perfect all the time especially if she's experiencing some sort of depression! .. but a friend needs to step in. GL I hope it all works out