Advice Needed

[Ephratahe]

How do you deal with a recalcitrant male teen (about 13/14) who (I think) is experiencing some harsh bouts of puberty, acting out like a little juvenile delinquent , and being plain disrespectful?

Background: The parents are there but not there, if you know what I mean, thus the young man has transferred his needs to those authority figures whom he feels cares about him. When said authority figures are not supportive, however, (and this can stem entirely from reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with the young man; just that such individuals may have a lot on their plate and can't devote as much time or energy to the young man as they did in the past) he becomes belligerent, rude and disrespectful. Now, he has <span style="font-weight: bold"><span style="font-style: italic">never</span></span> done this in the past, and <span style="font-weight: bold"><span style="font-style: italic">only</span></span> does this with certain individuals, thus I can't fully conclude if it's a bout of puberty, or him testing his mettle, so to speak. The parents are already aware of their delin.. er, son's behavior but are unable (not unwilling, just unable) to deal with him. How does one approach this dilemma?

Thanks much!

[f0rTyLeGz]

Re: Advice Needed

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ephra</div><div class="ubbcode-body">How do you deal with a recalcitrant male teen (about 13/14) who (I think) is experiencing some harsh bouts of puberty, acting out like a little juvenile delinquent , and being plain disrespectful?

Background: The parents are there but not there, if you know what I mean, thus the young man has transferred his needs to those authority figures whom he feels cares about him. When said authority figures are not supportive, however, (and this can stem entirely from reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with the young man; just that such individuals may have a lot on their plate and can't devote as much time or energy to the young man as they did in the past) he becomes belligerent, rude and disrespectful. Now, he has <span style="font-weight: bold"><span style="font-style: italic">never</span></span> done this in the past, and <span style="font-weight: bold"><span style="font-style: italic">only</span></span> does this with certain individuals, thus I can't fully conclude if it's a bout of puberty, or him testing his mettle, so to speak. The parents are already aware of their delin.. er, son's behavior but are unable (not unwilling, just unable) to deal with him. How does one approach this dilemma?

Thanks much! </div></div>
Here's my two cents, I hope it is helpful.

I don't think making excuses for rudeness is helpful... that is, when you say, &quot;...it's puberty,&quot; or he is &quot;testing his mettle,&quot; then you are giving him an out. Nor can blaming his missing parents be an excuse.

Your role (and I presume he respects you, and even looks to you for guidance/) DEMANDS that he NEVER disrespect you. And if he does, then you must catch it instantly. You call for his attention looking him straight in the eye, and ask him to repeat what he has said. If the boy repeats the rudeness, then you must let him go on with out you... and tell him just that. &quot;Well, I guess this is where you and I part ways. Don't come here anymore, unless you come with an apology.&quot;

Hopefully he won't repeat the rude comment or gesture, and it will get really quiet... let that moment drag out, and then say... &quot;Okay then, I forgive you.&quot; And don't mention it again.

Once disrespect, tardiness, not keeping agreements start slipping into a relationship, it must be dealt with instantly. It IS &quot;divorce talk,&quot; and must be acknowledged and dealt with right then and there. It's not going to just happen that one time unless you react. Your reaction shows the youngster what a big [censored] deal that bad behavior is in the real world, and how one misplaced remark can change everything in his world in a heartbeat.

[diabolical_Tanya]

Re: Advice Needed

[julie*mango]

Re: Advice Needed

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Diabolical_Tanya</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> </div></div>

ditto that


40

[kia027]

Re: Advice Needed

well said 40

and also remember your tag line also applies to people

Exercise, discipline, affection. ~Cesar Millan~

[Ephratahe]

Re: Advice Needed

Thanks, Forty. My mind ran along similar lines regarding a solution, but I guess I kind of paused at the whole walking away altogether thing... unfortunately, even after a situation has died, I'm one of those people who will still try to breathe life into it... I'm slowly learning, however, that walking away and letting some things <span style="font-style: italic">really</span> die is sometimes absolutely necessary. Thanks soooo much Forty and others

Well I sat down and had a talk with the young man. I told him that I did not appreciate his behavior and that I wouldn't put up with it. I made it explicitly clear that if he had a problem with that, or with conforming to my authority, then he need not be where I am. He sat there and digested the information, all the while mumbling stuff under his breath. I made it clear that though I sympathized with his current family issues (immediate, extended and otherwise), that such issues in no wise required him to be disrespectful. I left the conversation by stating that since he has such an obvious problem with respect and authority, that I would no longer allow him to participate in the program, and that my association with him would be drastically reduced to an 'as needed' basis. He didn't seem to like that response very much since, as previously alluded to, so few individuals are actively involved in his life.

Well, the following week he showed up with his behavior in check, and even acquiesced to doing things I requested of him. I'm holding out hope that his behavior will remain amenable, for if it doesn't and his disrespect is transferred to and mirrored by others, I may think of walking away from them altogether *sigh*. Thanks again all!