Giving Advice to Parents

[twiney]

Yesterday I got into an argument with someone who was telling the parents of my two new babies that they shouldnt be holding up the babies because they are going to spoil them. Now my response thinking back on it could have been a little gentler but this along with breastfeeding are 2 child rearing things I am passionate about. She basically was saying that the people them must allow the children to cry.

My personal view they wouldnt be crying if they could tell us what is wrong and I dont believe showing babies attention and bonding with them will spoil them. And I've been reading more and more articles supporting this. If someone chooses to go one route or the other I wont argue with them but I think they should leave other people who want to comfort and bond with their babies alone.

What unno think?

[CeaBee]

Re: Giving Advice to Parents

kuff dem yes

a joke...i think once them come wid dem line a thinking (doan hold up the baby)..u can also put forward yours.

[CeaBee]

Re: Giving Advice to Parents

u know that my modda who use fi follow that line (doan hold up baby) did a 180 with her grandchildren..when she used to come stay wid me if one a the children seh "eh" she hear them in har sleep and by the time me reach in there, she already a hold and rock them

but yes, i wish people would keep unsolicited <span style="text-decoration: line-through">advice</span> warnings to themselves.

[twiney]

Re: Giving Advice to Parents

SPOILING
Few parents make it through their offspring's babyhood without being told that all their efforts to nurture and respond to their baby will surely spoil her. And if it's not spoiling that they're warned against, they're told not to let themselves be &quot;manipulated&quot; by baby. Attachment parenting is not the same as indulgently giving your child everything she asks for. We stress that parents should respond appropriately to their baby's needs, which means knowing when to say &quot;yes&quot; and when to say &quot;no.&quot; Sometimes in their zeal to give children everything they need, it's easy for parents to give their children everything they want, and this is indeed harmful. Parents must learn to distinguish between a child's needs and a child's wants.

Yet, telling the difference between needs and wants is not a problem that parents have to wrestle with during their early months of parenting. In the beginning, wants and needs are the same. During the first several months of life, a baby's wants are a baby's needs. A consistent &quot;yes&quot; response teaches babies trust, which will make them more accepting of &quot;no&quot; later on, when they start wanting things they should not have. If you learn to know your baby by responding readily to his needs in the early months, you'll have a good sense of when it's appropriate to say no later on.

New parents often ask, &quot;Won't holding our baby a lot, responding to cries, nursing our baby on cue, and even sleeping with our baby spoil her?&quot; Or they ask if this kind of parenting will create an overly dependent, manipulative child? Our answer is an emphatic no. In fact, both experience and research have shown the opposite. Attachment fosters eventual interdependence. A child whose needs are met predictably and dependably does not have to whine and cry and worry about getting his parents to do what he needs.

Dr. Sears suggests: Attachment parenting implies responding appropriately to your baby; spoiling suggests responding inappropriately.

The spoiling theory seems scientific. At least it seemed logical to the childcare &quot;experts&quot; who popularized this idea, beginning in the early part of the 20th century. They thought that if you rewarded crying by picking the baby up, he would cry more, so that he would get picked up more. It turns out that human behavior is a little more complicated than this. It is true that if you carry a newborn baby in your arms much of the time, the baby will protest when put down in the crib. This baby has learned how to feel right, and she lets you know when she needs help getting that feeling back. However, in the long run, this rightness within her will make her less likely to cry for attention. She gets used to feeling right most of the time, and her parent's responsiveness shows her how to recognize her own needs. Spoiling happens when a child is put on the shelf, left alone, forgotten about--the way that food spoils. There was no scientific basis for this spoiling theory, just unwarranted fears and opinions. We would like to put the spoiling theory on the shelf – to spoil forever.

The attachment style of parenting is not the same as overindulging kids or creating inappropriate dependency. The possessive parent, or &quot;hover mother,&quot; is constantly in a flurry around her child, doing everything for him because of her own fears and insecurity. Her child may become overly dependent, because he has been kept from doing what he needs to do. An attached mother recognizes when it is appropriate to let her child struggle a bit, experience some frustration, so that he can grow. This is why we continually emphasize putting balance in your chosen parenting style. Attachment differs from dependency. Attachment enhances development; prolonged dependency will hinder development.

Science Says
Attachment studies have spoiled the spoiling theory. Researchers Drs. Bell and Ainsworth at John Hopkins University studied two sets of parents and their children. Group A were attachment-parented babies. These babies were securely attached, the products of responsive parenting. Group B babies were parented n a more restrained way, with a set schedule and given a less intuitive and nurturing response to their cues. All these babies were tracked for at least a year. Which group do you think eventually turned out to be the most independent? Group A, the securely attached babies. Researchers who have studied the affects of parenting styles on children's later outcome have concluded, to put it simply, that the spoiling theory is utter nonsense.

Pick them up quickly and they'll get down quickly. Or, as one sensitive mother of a well-attached child said proudly, &quot;He's not spoiled; he's perfectly fresh!&quot; Spoiling does become an issue a few years from now, when overindulgence or permissiveness signals a parent's inability to set limits and provide boundaries. This happens most often in children who are materially bonded or whose parents are still trapped in dysfunctional patterns from their own childhood.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T100200.asp

[julie*mango]

Re: Giving Advice to Parents

some babies need to be held more than others....

[goldilocks]

Re: Giving Advice to Parents

As a mother, you can tell the difference between crying cuz they need something and just being whiny. Infants haven't learned to whine yet - they usually need something (food, changing, comfort).

It's only when they get older that they figure out if whining gets a response or not, so I don't think you spoil an infant by responding to its needs.

As an aside, don't you just love it when people who don't have children give you advice?

[Xavier]

Re: Giving Advice to Parents

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: goldilocks</div><div class="ubbcode-body">As a mother, you can tell the difference between crying cuz they need something and just being whiny. </div></div>

That is the key. Know which cry to respond to. Also depending on if it is your first or third child you will respond differently. The first child is going to get all the attention. &quot;Ef dem just wiggle&quot; yuh run fe gi dem attention.

[goldilocks]

Re: Giving Advice to Parents

I always tell my daughter about toddlers &quot;It's when you hear nothing that you better get up and check!&quot; That's when the little preciousizz are painting your bedroom with lipstick and whatnot.

[CeaBee]

Re: Giving Advice to Parents

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Xavier</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: goldilocks</div><div class="ubbcode-body">As a mother, you can tell the difference between crying cuz they need something and just being whiny. </div></div>

That is the key. Know which cry to respond to. </div></div>

alla dem cry did sound the same to me ....loud

[julie*mango]

Re: Giving Advice to Parents

lol..but yes I agree...cries are different and if u r in tune u know which is which

[CeaBee]

Re: Giving Advice to Parents

me coulda use your help them nites when me did a change diaper, offer bokkle/breast and then walk round the place wid the baby in mi hand like me a idiot

[Kurlie]

Re: Giving Advice to Parents

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Twiny</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Yesterday I got into an argument with someone who was telling the parents of my two new babies that they shouldnt be holding up the babies because they are going to spoil them. Now my response thinking back on it could have been a little gentler but this along with breastfeeding are 2 child rearing things I am passionate about. She basically was saying that the people them must allow the children to cry.

My personal view they wouldnt be crying if they could tell us what is wrong and I dont believe showing babies attention and bonding with them will spoil them. And I've been reading more and more articles supporting this. If someone chooses to go one route or the other I wont argue with them but I think they should leave other people who want to comfort and bond with their babies alone.

What unno think? </div></div>

I totally agree with you...if a so mek mi spoil dem

[MarieK]

Re: Giving Advice to Parents

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: goldilocks</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I always tell my daughter about toddlers &quot;It's when you hear nothing that you better get up and check!&quot; That's when the little preciousizz are painting your bedroom with lipstick and whatnot. </div></div>

or di contents of dem diaper

[Shine_Eye_Girl]

Re: Giving Advice to Parents

Well mi nuh gi ppl advice heny more bout pikney an ting. Di lass time mi gi advice, dem tell mi seh ah mi opinion an ray ray ray....den dem remove mi fram dem FB page....

yu lucky

[f0rTyLeGz]

Re: Giving Advice to Parents

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Twiny</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
What unno think? </div></div>
I used to like giving advice and encouragement to questioning parents, since I raised mine without spanking, punishments, or shame. But here there is a near consensus that children need to be controlled, and must be taught obedience and respect, usually with a 'rod.' Everyone seems to believe that children must learn to obey their parents, and that is what their years before school are all about. I see parenting completely differently, and never even went there.

However, my way, the &quot;all-love-all-the-time&quot; technique, gets zero respect in the fora, and so I only reply nowadays when I just can't stop myself.