The story of the fatherless ... How do they cope?

[twiney]

She hasn't seen him in forever, he never calls, he never sends a dollar... He's just a sperm donor. I've always wondered how she copes because she never talks about him but sometimes you see her sitting and staring into space. Her journey has been long and hard and her mother works hard but with minimal qualification earns barely enough to get by. Her grandmother is the key point in her life not even her mother is as dear.

Yet she successfully got a place in a traditional high school when she did her GSAT exam... has done pretty good over the 5 years and has decided she wants to get into banking. What motivates her, her mother isn't always there for her because of work etc but her grandmother is. Her support from her aunts and uncles is phenomenal ... She is never absent from school all assignments are handed in on time what is really going on in her head. She goes on to do 8 CXC CSEC exams with almost perfect scores on the SBAs.

On her graduation day she tells her mother I have a point to prove to somebody. She receives an award and will patiently await the results of her sleepless nights and efforts. When the ceremony is all over this is what she has to say..."yes XXX(father's full name), I made it without you. With the help of God and all the others who helped me I did it."

[Yvonne N.]

Re: The story of the fatherless ... How do they cope?

It all depends on how the child is told about the Dad. If anything, she should question her Mom about the choice she made

and then

try to understand the picture from her mother's point of view and forgive her...not rant and rave about a Dad who may have been entrapped...one way or another.



'If you can't feed them, don't breed then...'

[twiney]

Re: The story of the fatherless ... How do they cope?

The father has proven himself to the child and has been given every opportunity to be involved in her life...I will not even go into the mother's story because yes it was a foolish decision but this wasnt an accidental pregnancy this was a planned child. The involvement dried up when the mother decided she wasnt willing to be the sweet heart anymore and the front wasnt available anymore.

[jah_yout]

Re: The story of the fatherless ... How do they cope?

she did well in life... so hopefully she will accept god's blessings and eventually let go of the anger...
anger and hate poisons the soul if allowed to fester...

it is the person who did the wrong who will end up being consumed with guilt & bad-feelings...
you burn them up even more when you forgive them...

[Bandana]

Re: The story of the fatherless ... How do they cope?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Mrs_Ahmidis</div><div class="ubbcode-body">It all depends on how the child is told about the Dad. If anything, she should question her Mom about the choice she made

and then

try to understand the picture from her mother's point of view and forgive her...not rant and rave about a Dad who may have been entrapped...one way or another.



'If you can't feed them, don't breed then...'

</div></div>

wow...


How is it the &quot;mothers choice&quot; that need forgiveness??

If the father wanted to be a part of the child's life, nothing the mother <span style="font-style: italic">chose</span> could stop him.

bout she need to forgive her mother...??

wow!

[ILP]

Re: The story of the fatherless ... How do they cope?

i would argue that her father helped her indeed.
her anger/hatred/disappointment of him has been the perfect motivator.

unfortunately that type of motivation only lasts so long, as it eventually consumes.

i suggest counseling.

[Bandana]

Re: The story of the fatherless ... How do they cope?

Twiney


The story brings a tear to my eye for real.

Having been a single parent for almost 5 years now, I have seen first hand the toll a father's absence can have on a child

A person could have all the money and time for a child and still would never be able to fill the shoes of the missing parent.
(an mi noh say mother or father cause both sexes abandon their children)


I agree, forgiveness for whomever <span style="font-weight: bold">she</span> feel need forgiving is the only way she can heal.

[twiney]

Re: The story of the fatherless ... How do they cope?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ILP_ULOOK_GR8</div><div class="ubbcode-body">i would argue that her father helped her indeed.
her anger/hatred/disappointment of him has been the perfect motivator.

unfortunately that type of motivation only lasts so long, as it eventually consumes.

i suggest counseling. </div></div>

ILP you know every time she looks in the mirror it is as if he is staring back at here since she is a splitting image of him... Now I never thought of conselling but I know she need help to get over it... Now to figure out how do to suggest this to the mother.

Bandy ... imagine for the first 6/7 years of your life your Daddy is there both financially (even though limited) and emotionally ... and then he disappears ... aye sah

[Yvonne N.]

Re: The story of the fatherless ... How do they cope?

Bandy...please do not try to score any brownie points of WOW..ing me...

I deal with issues not personalities...

You fully well understand that too many women are using false reasoning in having children with men whom they know will be absent...eventually...and that they will be left with unexplainables to their kids...let's deal with that kind of reasoning... rather than WOW ..ing me

Yu fayva...bout WOW...

Okay then Bandy...so here you are yourself... <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I agree, forgiveness for whomever she feel need forgiving is the only way she can heal.


</div></div>
<span style="font-size: 14pt"> </span>

SMT/KMT...choose...

[Bandana]

Re: The story of the fatherless ... How do they cope?





Really Shandra, I don't know what brownie points you think I am trying to score.

I was simply shocked that your gut response is to blame the mother.

There is no way for anyone to know exactly what another person will do in the future.
People change, each person makes their own decision to be involved in their childs life when a parental relationship disolves.
And I'm not saying that family division is not a problem.
I believe each parent should still make an effort to be there for their children if the parents split.

If the father in the post above spent time making that child know he was there for her she would not be feeling such extreem absence in her life.

[evanovitch]

Re: The story of the fatherless ... How do they cope?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Mrs_Ahmidis</div><div class="ubbcode-body">It all depends on how the child is told about the Dad. If anything, she should question her Mom about the choice she made

and then

try to understand the picture from her mother's point of view and forgive her...not rant and rave about a Dad who may have been entrapped...one way or another.



'If you can't feed them, don't breed then...'

</div></div>

sweetheart indicates an outside relationship so all precautions should have been made to not get pregnant...and if u do, be prepared to not have the man willing to acknowledge any offspring...the father can be made to financially support the child but if the relationship was one of we deh wen we deh deh togedda, n the mother breaks it off because nutten more was forthcoming, well den, she made choices dat her innocent child muss live wid...a disinterested male parent is as bad as a forced male parent ...the child has nothing to prove to the father as it would seem that he does not intend for her to be a child he will rely on in his ole age..true tings an time mite change fi him n karma is a b, but wen u stawt from a position dat di modda stawt from, well , tenk gawd fi di long legacy of involved grandparents....the child could be a worse statistic dan being a successful child wid a noninvolved daddy...tink bout dat...n smaddy should pint dat out to har too...she cannot live har life if she mek dis man har focus...she is to be successful inspite of him in tribute to the granny n of course fi harself n mek sure she no mek di said mistake as har madda in har search fi a fada figga...tink bout dat too

[Yvonne N.]

Re: The story of the fatherless ... How do they cope?

Outside of the traditional way of rearing a family, someone who chooses to be a parent by way of adopting a child tends to be the next best choice, I think, in having a viable family unit.

The parent who has adopted a child is trying to give another human being a chance in life...a most noble, honourable and admirable deed.

So, if you have made a decision that you so badly want a child, adopt one...rather than...have a child with full knowledge of the possible sad consequences of the quality of that child's life later on.

In many cases, what has happened is that one has simply chosen 21 seconds over 21 years... completely ignoring the possibility of a baby and when the baby arrives, all kinds of rationalisations surface.

Parents to whom this happens should always find a way to serve penance and make up to the child...rather than finding ways to subtly (or not so subtly) fill that child with hate for a situation way out of his or her control.

Let's take responsibility for our own actions and then...do our best...to help our children place a higher expectation on the quality and value of the family unit in their life.

[Gen]

Re: The story of the fatherless ... How do they cope?

mi know a girl like that long story short (if mi start from her childhood this would be a book)

she come a farrin, work as nanny put herself choo a top college, get good jobs (the most recent being wid di fed)

she has never been able to keep her jobs, suffers from severe depression, attempted suicide at one of her jobs, and is just consumed with the reality dat needah
maddah nor faddah wanted her.


everytime mi talk to her she drain mi wid di depression and di self loathing and all kinda sitten

[twiney]

Re: The story of the fatherless ... How do they cope?

I just love the feedback this thread has produced.

but gotta say ... it is interesting that the mother is blamed for the father's decision not to be involved in his child's life.

Hmmm so what about the case of the person who has a child, is married to the father of the child and from him set foot pon plane and ketch merica them on them own?

[evanovitch]

Re: The story of the fatherless ... How do they cope?

of course di modda is to be blamed for the most pawt...if u deh wid a man whe married, u r guaranteed nutten...for u to bring child into dat equation is chupid...is eida u decide seh u juss waan a chile n di man be damned r u a try di ole story of maybe a chile wi mek him commit to me...too many women fall into the category of doing di said ting dat been done before an hope an pray dem is di exception...said way i dont have sympathy fi people who decide fi tek hard drugs...

now if di daddy come farrin an juss drop di yaad fambily well den, go afta him fi di money him owe him children...but u cannot forve a man r a woman fi dat matter to be a reluctant parent...it screw up children more dan necessary...n if u dont bring up children pining fi wat dem dont have, dem wi grow to appreciate wat dem have...but too many times, mothers keep reminding children dat dem fada no wan dem, especially wen di modda tawking in di heat of di moment

a juss so di runnings weh gwane from jackass was a bwoy n it naw change now dat having a child out of wedlock seem to be a rite of passage