Family MATTERS

[nattydreadgirl]

Mother and Daughter not so good relationship for years. Little background info on relationship....

Mother had daughter when she was 16. Mother became strung out on drugs and managed to keep it hidden from her family for a couple of years. CLOSET ADDICT. When she finally was out of the closet her addiction was off the chain, luckily for her she had a sister living in the same city with her and the sister stepped in the mother role for her neice. The daughter spent more time with the Aunt and her family then she did with her mother.

The daughter went to the same daycare as her aunts daughter (cousin same age) and it was automatic for the aunt to pick up the neice from daycare and not see the mother for days.

At about the age 7-8 the daughter went to liive with her paternal grandmother in a different state. Mother addiction still raging spent about 6 months in jail.

Mother finally gets herself free of drugs, about this time the daughter was 15-16 years old. Mother and daughter reunite as in the daughter starts living with the mother.

[nattydreadgirl]

Re: Family MATTERS

trying not to make this tooooo long!

Mother and daughter relationship strained as would be expected, daughter has alot of issues with her mother.

Fast Forward to Daughters Adulthood.

Mother has stolen money from daughter, wrecked daughters car and did not pay for it, just two things that daughter always throws in mother face when they have a argument.

Mother finds herself down on her luck, not drugs, financial problems lost her job.
Daughter lets her mother and her brother (mother now has a son after getting herself clean) move in with her temporarily. That was a fiasco within itself. Daughter really wanted to say no to the move-in, but she feels that this is her mother and she cannot turn her back on her and her little brother (14yrs old).

Daughter is a single parent of 2 boys one the same age as her little brother. Daughter has a decent job as in she able to pay her bills and provide decently for her sons. However, went the mother and bro moving in her expenses has increased so now she finds herself in a bit of a financial struggle.

Mother finds job however she does not feel as if she should give the daughter anything financial other than help with the groceries...

Mother promises the daughter that when she receives her tax return that she will be able to move out and that she will give the daughter $500. She has been living with the daughter for about 4 months when she receives her tax return.

[nattydreadgirl]

Re: Family MATTERS

Taxes comes in and the Mother gets her living situation together (moves out) and hands the daughter a crisp $100 bill and tells her daughter that this is all that she can afford to give her....Daughter know this is not true because the mother gives the 14yr old brother $500 to spend as he chooses.

Big confrontation goes down, the daughter goes OFF on the mother verbally, tells mother that she is done with her! Tells mother that if she falls on hard times again DoNot think that the she will be there to help. Says that the mother or the brother is not welcome in her home ever again. Mother slaps the daughter and tell her she is being DISRESPECTFUL to talk to her that way!

Daughter says she is really done now but not before she starts cussing the mother and calling her every nasty name in the book and the mother is giving it back to her as good as she is receiving it.

As I understand it this is not the first time that the two of them have had a confrontation of this sort. I was told that the daughter once went to where the mother was living and cussed her under the table for all the neigbors to hear, daughter was outside of her mothers door. It is obivious that neither one has any respect for the Mother/Daughter relationship at all at all!

Daughter stance is that the mother uses her and she does not feel that she owes her mother anything least of all respect.

The mother stance is that she is the Mother and that no matter WHAT the daughter should not disrespect her and that the daughter is selfish and mean to even think about charging her mother anything when she is down and out, also she said that if the situation was reversed that she would not expect anything from the daughter if she needed to live with her. The thing is the daughter one point at at time needed a place to stay, she chose to go sleep on a friends couch for a month rather than to stay at her Mothers place.

[nattydreadgirl]

Re: Family MATTERS

My question is Where do they go from here?

[twiney]

Re: Family MATTERS

Sometimes love and respect for a person means you stay far from them. And the 2 of them need 2 rahtid lick, them need to get over themself.

[Gen]

Re: Family MATTERS

the Mother is an addict, so I sort of expect irrational behaviour from her.

what is the daughter's excuse to sink to the Mother's depth ? especially since she herself is now a Mother ? and especially since she was raised by her Aunt ? and to be carrying on like that in front of her little brother (I assume he heard all of the nonsense) and her 2 small children ?

daughter should take the 100.00 and keep it moving, return to her daily life with her 2 small children, however, she needs to rethink the part about "her little brother not being welcome in her home". the child is 14 and not responsible for their Mother's mouth

I understand daughter is resentful for not having the mother around, but it is what it is. nothing can turn back time and she needs to continue to focus on making a life and being a positive role model for her children. (and that what she exhibited up above is not it). her mother will NEVER be what daughter wants her to be, sooner she can grasp that, the sooner she can live in peace.

they both need a cooling off period-a very long one at that.

[nattydreadgirl]

Re: Family MATTERS

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Twiney</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><span style="font-weight: bold">Sometimes love and respect for a person means you stay far from them.</span> And the 2 of them need 2 rahtid lick, them need to get over themself.

</div></div>
This has been suggested to the daughter before but for some reasons (hers) she keeps trying to have a relationship that isnt with her mother. I agree that they both need for their individual roles that they played in the confrontation.

[kia027]

Re: Family MATTERS

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Gen</div><div class="ubbcode-body">the Mother is an addict, so I sort of expect irrational behaviour from her.

what is the daughter's excuse to sink to the Mother's depth ? especially since she herself is now a Mother ? and especially since she was raised by her Aunt ? and to be carrying on like that in front of her little brother (I assume he heard all of the nonsense) and her 2 small children ?

daughter should take the 100.00 and keep it moving, return to her daily life with her 2 small children, however, she needs to rethink the part about &quot;her little brother not being welcome in her home&quot;. the child is 14 and not responsible for their Mother's mouth

I understand daughter is resentful for not having the mother around, but it is what it is. nothing can turn back time and she needs to continue to focus on making a life and being a positive role model for her children. (and that what she exhibited up above is not it). her mother will NEVER be what daughter wants her to be, sooner she can grasp that, the sooner she can live in peace.

they both need a cooling off period-a very long one at that.

</div></div>

what gen said
and the daughter need to think of the mother as a person she knows as opposed to a mom. That relationship never happened and if she need a mother figure then I would say go find the aunt

They both need a break from each other.

[nattydreadgirl]

Re: Family MATTERS

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Gen</div><div class="ubbcode-body">the Mother is an addict, so I sort of expect irrational behaviour from her. <span style="font-weight: bold">Me too, I just keep praying that she will take responsibility for the way that she treats daughter some day</span>

what is the daughter's excuse to sink to the Mother's depth ?<span style="font-weight: bold"> I am certainly not making any excuses for daughters behavior, I think that she gets caught up in her issuses and emotions and lose all sense of reason</span>. especially since she herself is now a Mother ? and especially since she was raised by her Aunt ? <span style="font-weight: bold">she was raised by her grandomther from about 8-16yrs old she was taken in by the grandmother while the Mom was in a different state...spent quite a bit of time with the Aunt from about 4-8 yrs old </span>

and to be carrying on like that in front of her little brother (I assume he heard all of the nonsense) and her 2 small children ? <span style="font-weight: bold">Her 14 yr old brother was there and daughters 10yr old son. I was appalled to learn that they were carrying on like that it front of the kids</span>

daughter should take the 100.00 and keep it moving, return to her daily life with her 2 small children, however, she needs to rethink the part about &quot;her little brother not being welcome in her home&quot;. the child is 14 and not responsible for their Mother's mouth <span style="font-weight: bold">True</span>


I understand daughter is resentful for not having the mother around, but it is what it is. nothing can turn back time and she needs to continue to focus on making a life and being a positive role model for her children. (and that what she exhibited up above is not it). her mother will NEVER be what daughter wants her to be, sooner she can grasp that, the sooner she can live in peace. <span style="font-weight: bold">

[b]Gen, the sad part is that she is not a good role mother for her children at all because she let her brother and her 10yr old son be privy to all of the nasty attacks, the Aunt was there begging them to STOP IT and reminded them that the kids were listening to this but she said neither one pause for a breath.</span>]

they both need a cooling off period-a very long one at that. <span style="font-weight: bold">The problem is they will have the cooling off period, but they will start dealing with eah other again without sitting down and hashing their feelings out then something else will set it off and BOOM the cycle continues.</span> </div></div>

<span style="font-weight: bold">I feel that they really need to go to counseling or cut off the relationship! They failed to realize that their children are watching them and will think that this is the way to handle their issues and treat your mother/child...Again the cyle continues with the next generation </span>

[nattydreadgirl]

Re: Family MATTERS

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Kia</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Gen</div><div class="ubbcode-body">the Mother is an addict, so I sort of expect irrational behaviour from her.

what is the daughter's excuse to sink to the Mother's depth ? especially since she herself is now a Mother ? and especially since she was raised by her Aunt ? and to be carrying on like that in front of her little brother (I assume he heard all of the nonsense) and her 2 small children ?

daughter should take the 100.00 and keep it moving, return to her daily life with her 2 small children, however, she needs to rethink the part about &quot;her little brother not being welcome in her home&quot;. the child is 14 and not responsible for their Mother's mouth

I understand daughter is resentful for not having the mother around, but it is what it is. nothing can turn back time and she needs to continue to focus on making a life and being a positive role model for her children. (and that what she exhibited up above is not it). her mother will NEVER be what daughter wants her to be, sooner she can grasp that, the sooner she can live in peace.

they both need a cooling off period-a very long one at that.

</div></div>

what gen said
and the daughter need to think of the mother as a person she knows as opposed to a mom. That relationship never happened and if she need a mother figure then I would say go find the aunt
<span style="font-weight: bold"> Kia, she has the mother/daughter relationship with her Aunt and treats her with the upmost respect, would never ever have this type of confrontation with the Aunt, I think she is just longing for HER mother and she needs to let that go, doesnt seem like it will ever be what dtr wants or needs. Of course the Mother is jealous of the relationship with the daughter and Aunt and lets it be known</span>!

They both need a break from each other. </div></div>

<span style="font-weight: bold">I really feel bad for the both of them and their children. We always hear to LET GO but I guess for some it is easier said then done. </span>