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Open marriage
Daddy Oh
With Tony Robinson
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Constant you are,
But yet a woman: and for secrecy,
No lady closer; for I well believe
Thou wilt not utter what thou dost not know.
- Shakespeare, 1 Henry IV, 11
Shhh, keep your trap shut, do not utter a word, keep a closed mouth and an open marriage and all will be well. At least that's one theory. So many people yearn for an open marriage, yet they are afraid to try it.
A few weeks ago, I read this letter to Dear Pastor where this man and his wife decided to venture into the world of wife-swapping. There was a time when this practice was most prevalent, especially in the USA and Europe, where societies are a bit more liberal.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Anyway, this guy in Jamaica decided to try it in order to spice up his waning marriage. His wife wasn't too keen at first, but reluctantly agreed, so they had the foursome. As soon as they started, the man regretted it, especially when he saw that the other husband was a bigger man than he was, and seemed to pleasure his wife better than he ever did.
"Me wife was screaming and carrying on like I never heard her before, I couldn't believe me ears." Wracked with sudden jealousy, inferiority and remorse, he couldn't even get it on with the other guy's wife and flopped his show. That's one attempt at open marriage that went bust.</span>
But there are many instances where couples have experimented with open marriages to much success.
But there are open marriages and there are open marriages, it's all a matter of degree. Another reader also wrote me, saying that his marriage is open and honest, and that he and his wife have one joint account, share everything that they have, answer each other's phones and have no secrets from each other. Well, that's great if you can swing it, but it's a big chance that you're taking with your life, I think. Hey, even old-time mothers used to tell their daughters to walk with 'vex money' just in case the man forms the fool and she has to find her way home. It's called insurance.
The same applies to marriage too, to have and to hold, yes; for better or worse, yes; but always have a little nest egg tucked away, for people will always be people, and human beings do strange things. Did you know that over 80 per cent of gun-related murders in the USA are committed by spouses, and that in most cases of murder, police always suspect the spouse first? I told you that just to put things in perspective, as these were once happily married people who never knew that their situation would turn that way.
But that's extreme, let's focus on the less violent scenarios. How many cases have you heard of wives cleaning out joint accounts and fleeing, or of husbands doing the same thing, drawing out all the cash and leaving the wife with nothing? If she had followed the old-time advice and had a little something stashed away, a parachute, a life jacket, then she'd not be up the creek without a paddle. But no, she believed in openness, and total honesty, and what's mine is thine, and all that.
Remember, old-time marriages were built around the man, whatever he said or did was law. But now that women have come into their own and have their own earning power, the status quo has changed somewhat. Even though marriage has come a long way, there is still an unnaturalness to the institution, resulting in most ending in divorce, the rest living in misery or just going through the motions of happiness as they endure and tolerate each other.
Now don't cuss me for saying so, but I base my findings on people who confess to me, even though they would never tell their spouses the truth. So I know that some of you are going to write and tell me how wonderful your marriage is, as so it may be, to you, but bear in mind that your spouses will never divulge what's deep in their hearts.
So as a result, many people yearn for openness in their marriage, even though most can't really handle real openness. So the men do the next best thing and either buy prostitutes, visit massage parlours or frequent go-go clubs, just to satisfy what is missing from the humdrum existence of their marriage. They yearn to be free, but will settle for the next best thing of a faux freedom.
But can marriages really survive genuine openness, or is it the lack of freedom of expression and honesty that really keeps marriages together? Could your marriage survive the revelation that your wife has taken unto herself a lover, or that she harbours secret desires to do so? Sure, she'll say that it's merely a passing fancy and that it's nothing but casual sex, but could you handle that openness and honesty?
Men have been telling women this for years, and the wives put up with it. On the other hand, can you, a wife, accept the fact that your husband is a street stud with women everywhere? The fact that these things occur under the cloud of secrecy with all parties not admitting to the acts is exactly the point that I'm trying to drive home.
There are couples who have open marriages and admit to all of their exploits, living an honest existence, while others lie, cheat and skulk around like alley cats. Which is better? Because of this, there are couples whom I can't even visit anymore, as I cannot endure the crap and hypocrisy that they exude. I know for a fact that the wife is having an affair, yet I have to sit there and listen to her talk about the sanctity of marriage and how long they have been married, as if number of years is an indication of goodness.
And I know husbands too, and also know their women, yet I have to sit and listen to them spout platitudes about honesty and openness in their marriage. So as a result, I don't visit them anymore, as I simply cannot stomach it.
Even your past can be a cause of problems if you're too open with it. Sure, you're now married for 10 years and love each other, but can you really deal with the openness of having the past revealed? You talk of honesty, trust and undying love for each other, and how honest and open you both are. But how would you react to the revelation that your wife once had a fling with Teerob, or that your husband was once a village ram?
Suddenly the openness doesn't seem so appealing anymore. That's why it's best to leave certain doors unopened, closets closed, as the bones that rattle within may chorus a symphony that you'd rather not hear. What's past is past. What I find interesting is that there are so many men who talk about openness, trust and blind faith in their spouses and some e-mail me all the time with their stories.
Yet the wives I speak to did so with a little reservation.
Even though they believed in the sanctity of marriage, and also openness to some degree, I found that more women thought practically and held back just a little, just in case. "Listen, I know that he means well and he's a good man, but I have to look out for me and de pickney dem, that's why I have a little something stashed away."
Meanwhile, most of the husbands to whom I spoke had no such precautionary nest egg, as they believe in honesty and openness. Can you believe my astonishment when husbands tell me, "Everything is in my wife's name, she handles all the finances, I leave everything up to her." I have lost count of the men who have been cleaned out, and they never saw it coming, but were blindsided by a sucker punch.
Just the other day I heard of this guy who went home and pushed his key in the door to no avail, as his wife had changed the locks on the door. She kicked him out and kept everything - the house, car and the kids. All were in her name, of course. Years ago, he too spoke of openness and blind trust in his marriage, but he never saw this coming. Now he's open, yes, to suggestions as to what to do.
Still, some couples take this openness to a different level and believe in the rights and freedom of the individual. They ask no questions of each other. The husband can come and go as he pleases, and the wife can do the same. Their theory is that this eliminates the hypocrisy, lies and mistrust that other couples have to put up with. "I ask no questions, so I get no lies, ours is an open marriage with none of the guilt of other marriages." Maybe they have a point.
I remember way back in my youth I had a girlfriend who came to me and honestly told me that she sensed that our love had died and that she saw someone else she liked. She could have sneaked around and carried on with him behind my back, but she came to me and expressed herself openly. I gave her my blessing and even after all these years I still remember her for her openness and honesty.
Now I see many of my friends existing in marriages, enduring the passage of time as they go through the routine of the institution like they are serving time, boasting of the years served, but not the quality. But maybe that's the only way they know. Who am I to foist this experiment of openness on them? Next thing, with the first sign of honesty and openness the marriage mash up. What really is the answer: to live the illusion of a happy marriage, even as one or both parties live lives of quiet desperation, or have an open honest, no-holds-barred marriage where freedom of expression reigns supreme?
Hey, I throw myself before the court of public opinion, so fire your salvos my way and tell me what you think. To love, to lie and endure, or to be open and damn the consequences?
More time.
- [email protected]
Daddy Oh
With Tony Robinson
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Constant you are,
But yet a woman: and for secrecy,
No lady closer; for I well believe
Thou wilt not utter what thou dost not know.
- Shakespeare, 1 Henry IV, 11
Shhh, keep your trap shut, do not utter a word, keep a closed mouth and an open marriage and all will be well. At least that's one theory. So many people yearn for an open marriage, yet they are afraid to try it.
A few weeks ago, I read this letter to Dear Pastor where this man and his wife decided to venture into the world of wife-swapping. There was a time when this practice was most prevalent, especially in the USA and Europe, where societies are a bit more liberal.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Anyway, this guy in Jamaica decided to try it in order to spice up his waning marriage. His wife wasn't too keen at first, but reluctantly agreed, so they had the foursome. As soon as they started, the man regretted it, especially when he saw that the other husband was a bigger man than he was, and seemed to pleasure his wife better than he ever did.
"Me wife was screaming and carrying on like I never heard her before, I couldn't believe me ears." Wracked with sudden jealousy, inferiority and remorse, he couldn't even get it on with the other guy's wife and flopped his show. That's one attempt at open marriage that went bust.</span>
But there are many instances where couples have experimented with open marriages to much success.But there are open marriages and there are open marriages, it's all a matter of degree. Another reader also wrote me, saying that his marriage is open and honest, and that he and his wife have one joint account, share everything that they have, answer each other's phones and have no secrets from each other. Well, that's great if you can swing it, but it's a big chance that you're taking with your life, I think. Hey, even old-time mothers used to tell their daughters to walk with 'vex money' just in case the man forms the fool and she has to find her way home. It's called insurance.
The same applies to marriage too, to have and to hold, yes; for better or worse, yes; but always have a little nest egg tucked away, for people will always be people, and human beings do strange things. Did you know that over 80 per cent of gun-related murders in the USA are committed by spouses, and that in most cases of murder, police always suspect the spouse first? I told you that just to put things in perspective, as these were once happily married people who never knew that their situation would turn that way.
But that's extreme, let's focus on the less violent scenarios. How many cases have you heard of wives cleaning out joint accounts and fleeing, or of husbands doing the same thing, drawing out all the cash and leaving the wife with nothing? If she had followed the old-time advice and had a little something stashed away, a parachute, a life jacket, then she'd not be up the creek without a paddle. But no, she believed in openness, and total honesty, and what's mine is thine, and all that.
Remember, old-time marriages were built around the man, whatever he said or did was law. But now that women have come into their own and have their own earning power, the status quo has changed somewhat. Even though marriage has come a long way, there is still an unnaturalness to the institution, resulting in most ending in divorce, the rest living in misery or just going through the motions of happiness as they endure and tolerate each other.
Now don't cuss me for saying so, but I base my findings on people who confess to me, even though they would never tell their spouses the truth. So I know that some of you are going to write and tell me how wonderful your marriage is, as so it may be, to you, but bear in mind that your spouses will never divulge what's deep in their hearts.
So as a result, many people yearn for openness in their marriage, even though most can't really handle real openness. So the men do the next best thing and either buy prostitutes, visit massage parlours or frequent go-go clubs, just to satisfy what is missing from the humdrum existence of their marriage. They yearn to be free, but will settle for the next best thing of a faux freedom.
But can marriages really survive genuine openness, or is it the lack of freedom of expression and honesty that really keeps marriages together? Could your marriage survive the revelation that your wife has taken unto herself a lover, or that she harbours secret desires to do so? Sure, she'll say that it's merely a passing fancy and that it's nothing but casual sex, but could you handle that openness and honesty?
Men have been telling women this for years, and the wives put up with it. On the other hand, can you, a wife, accept the fact that your husband is a street stud with women everywhere? The fact that these things occur under the cloud of secrecy with all parties not admitting to the acts is exactly the point that I'm trying to drive home.
There are couples who have open marriages and admit to all of their exploits, living an honest existence, while others lie, cheat and skulk around like alley cats. Which is better? Because of this, there are couples whom I can't even visit anymore, as I cannot endure the crap and hypocrisy that they exude. I know for a fact that the wife is having an affair, yet I have to sit there and listen to her talk about the sanctity of marriage and how long they have been married, as if number of years is an indication of goodness.
And I know husbands too, and also know their women, yet I have to sit and listen to them spout platitudes about honesty and openness in their marriage. So as a result, I don't visit them anymore, as I simply cannot stomach it.
Even your past can be a cause of problems if you're too open with it. Sure, you're now married for 10 years and love each other, but can you really deal with the openness of having the past revealed? You talk of honesty, trust and undying love for each other, and how honest and open you both are. But how would you react to the revelation that your wife once had a fling with Teerob, or that your husband was once a village ram?
Suddenly the openness doesn't seem so appealing anymore. That's why it's best to leave certain doors unopened, closets closed, as the bones that rattle within may chorus a symphony that you'd rather not hear. What's past is past. What I find interesting is that there are so many men who talk about openness, trust and blind faith in their spouses and some e-mail me all the time with their stories.
Yet the wives I speak to did so with a little reservation.
Even though they believed in the sanctity of marriage, and also openness to some degree, I found that more women thought practically and held back just a little, just in case. "Listen, I know that he means well and he's a good man, but I have to look out for me and de pickney dem, that's why I have a little something stashed away."
Meanwhile, most of the husbands to whom I spoke had no such precautionary nest egg, as they believe in honesty and openness. Can you believe my astonishment when husbands tell me, "Everything is in my wife's name, she handles all the finances, I leave everything up to her." I have lost count of the men who have been cleaned out, and they never saw it coming, but were blindsided by a sucker punch.
Just the other day I heard of this guy who went home and pushed his key in the door to no avail, as his wife had changed the locks on the door. She kicked him out and kept everything - the house, car and the kids. All were in her name, of course. Years ago, he too spoke of openness and blind trust in his marriage, but he never saw this coming. Now he's open, yes, to suggestions as to what to do.
Still, some couples take this openness to a different level and believe in the rights and freedom of the individual. They ask no questions of each other. The husband can come and go as he pleases, and the wife can do the same. Their theory is that this eliminates the hypocrisy, lies and mistrust that other couples have to put up with. "I ask no questions, so I get no lies, ours is an open marriage with none of the guilt of other marriages." Maybe they have a point.
I remember way back in my youth I had a girlfriend who came to me and honestly told me that she sensed that our love had died and that she saw someone else she liked. She could have sneaked around and carried on with him behind my back, but she came to me and expressed herself openly. I gave her my blessing and even after all these years I still remember her for her openness and honesty.
Now I see many of my friends existing in marriages, enduring the passage of time as they go through the routine of the institution like they are serving time, boasting of the years served, but not the quality. But maybe that's the only way they know. Who am I to foist this experiment of openness on them? Next thing, with the first sign of honesty and openness the marriage mash up. What really is the answer: to live the illusion of a happy marriage, even as one or both parties live lives of quiet desperation, or have an open honest, no-holds-barred marriage where freedom of expression reigns supreme?
Hey, I throw myself before the court of public opinion, so fire your salvos my way and tell me what you think. To love, to lie and endure, or to be open and damn the consequences?
More time.
- [email protected]
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