The cost

[Nunya]

This guy is very negative and pessimistic. His woman on the other hand, while not being overly positive and optimistic herself, is always encouraging him, telling him it will be 'alright' etc...

<span style="font-style: italic">Because</span> of her, in my opinion, he's progressed in his field, he's traveled and 'broadend his horizons' made some purchases he's now very proud of, cultivated relationships that he wouldn't have done on his own...

However, she's tired. She's tired of telling him 'it will be alright' 'take a chance' 'you can do it' and all the rest.

So she's said that she wanted some time apart.

He of course, is devastated. He's done <span style="text-decoration: underline">nothing</span> to try and woo her back. Instead, he's <span style="font-style: italic">accused</span> her of being responsible for everything that's now going wrong in his life.

He's missed out on two promotions because, I guess, she wasn't there to 'encourage him to apply' and 'reassure' him that he's suitable.

His golf buddies were going to Ja (or was it Fla? ) to play and wanted him to come along, but according to him he didn't think he could just go leaving things the way they were between him and her and further, he's sure that he's lost his 'swing' or supm like that cause she's broken his concentration and blah blah...

Now.

He's a successful guy. But I believe he owes 85% of his success to her. She believes this too (though she's never said as much to him) but she's now thinking that the cost is too great.

She said she finds him draining. Why only now? Why wasn't he 'draining' a few years back? She admits that he prolly was, but she was always so excited for and by him that she'd not noticed how much it was costing her.

Other friends think that she's being an idiot, leaving a successful man who 'worships' her because she feels 'drained'. She gets nuff from them and is now questioning whether she's being too selfish.

From this synopsis, what do you guys think?

[applepie]

Re: The cost

If she is not happy why should she stay? it sound like he suck the life out of her. She probable just want sometime for herself now and not him for a change.

[Shine_Eye_Girl]

Re: The cost

There seems to be something missing from this.....

She has been praising and pushing him along all this time, and now she is tired? Something doesn't sound right.....Are you sure she is telling you the whole story?

[mountaingal]

Re: The cost

sounds like she was hoping he'd change over the years to become more proactive about his own progress. meanwhile all was happening was that she was solidifying his dependence on her. guy doesn't seem to be a naturally ambitious man.

[Shine_Eye_Girl]

Re: The cost

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: applepie</div><div class="ubbcode-body">If she is not happy why should she stay? it sound like he suck the life out of her. She probable just want sometime for herself now and not him for a change. </div></div>


I agree, but why now all of a sudden....:think. As women we have the tendency to put our plans aside and tend to everyone else. But normally there is something that happens to push us to the &quot;no more of this&quot; state of mind.

This is why I asked Nunya if there is something more....

[BoundBrook]

Re: The cost

I guess the challenge for her was in the change she could make in his life, but after awhile it wasn't a challenge anymore, it was just exhausting.

[Nunya]

Re: The cost

Yeah I think maybe she was hoping he would change... she would say from time to time that he grew up in a very cold unfeeling household... dem kina ting deh... I don't know if she was justifying his behaviour or what...

Did something just now happen to force her hand? Nothing other than what's been happening from the start. I don't think this was a sudden decision on her part... it's just become too much to bear or maybe she's finally realized that he's always going to be like this and never really come into his own...

So I guess then that you guys don't think she's being selfish? Other people think she's being...

He gives her everything materially she gives everything emotionally. One friend's summation is that it's a 'give and take' relationship and that the woman in question knew this from back when. So her now crying 'wearidom' is selfish business. This other friend wonders how we (who thinks the woman is not being selfish) would feel if he'd suddenly stopped providing for her materially saying that she was 'draining' his pocket...?

[mountaingal]

Re: The cost

part of her time away from him should probably be spent identifying what needs she was trying to fulfill by being his &quot;mommy&quot;. it's not really all him, and she needs to find out the truth about her own motives in the marriage before she can figure out what to do from now on. i don't agree she's being selfish in the sense her friends accuse her of, but there is an element of emotional selfishness on her part in the story.

[Nylah]

Re: The cost


comparing finacial support to emotional support is like comparing apples to oranges in my book.

emotional support is more work because it takes inner resources to re-directed from yourself to someone else. money can be replaced and if push comes to shove, she can still manage financially if need be. Food will still be on her table - maybe not lobster but food nonetheless.

what ppl dont value about emotional support is that when someone gives it to you, in order for them to continue doing so, it needs to be replenished. If she gets no &quot;me&quot; time, or this man never reciprocates and is emotionally available for her, why is anyone surprised that she is feeling burnout?

naah man, tell her I dont think she is being selfish at all. But she needs to re-evaluate her motivation for being the only one emotionally involved in the relationship. There was something she was getting out of being this man's superwoman that she isnt getting now.

those qualities that we think are cute in someone - like the fact that he is so dependent on her - are endearing at the beginning of a relationship but can get real tired quick.

sounds like there is an underlying self-esteem issue with her to allow herself to be in that emotional position....

[Pepper]

Re: The cost

He sounds like a wuss. Meeda a get tired of him too. That is a lot of baggage to carry around. I can only imagine how taxing he was. From the way it reads, not only did she have to encourage him, she had to follow-up with daily/hourly reminders that he really could do it.

As MG said, that is a full time baby tending job...and we all know babies grow up. After a few years they can go to the bathroom all by themselves.

Were they married? Children? Approx ages, how long were they together?

[KgnJa69]

Re: The cost

**** Lang ole kissteeth **** When the grass green ppl ride di gravy train Now tings a tek a slight turn an unno suddenly feeling &quot;burntout&quot;. A nansense dat, in every marriage one or the other partner gets &quot;burntout&quot; many times during the marriage... but dem noh bailout. A wonder how ofter him feel &quot;burntout&quot; trying to keep up wid fihar financial demand If yu compliment di man wid your so-call emotional strength in the begining, so what? Dats probly why him marry yu in the first place.

It would be interesting to hear HIS version!!

[dearjohn]

Re: The cost

What was her financial status like in the beginning of the relationship when they first met?

I am getting the feeling that she has needed him to give her financial support from day one, which would explain why she hung in there so long? Do they have any kids?

[Nunya]

Re: The cost

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: MGee</div><div class="ubbcode-body">part of her time away from him should probably be spent identifying what needs she was trying to fulfill by being his &quot;mommy&quot;. it's not really all him, and she needs to find out the truth about her own motives in the marriage before she can figure out what to do from now on. i don't agree she's being selfish in the sense her friends accuse her of, but there is an element of emotional selfishness on her part in the story. </div></div>



I just copied that and sent it to her in an email The whole 'mommy' thing actually made me go cause I'd never thought of it like that before...

[Nunya]

Re: The cost

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Nylah</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
There was something she was getting out of being this man's superwoman that she isnt getting now.

those qualities that we think are cute in someone - like the fact that he is so dependent on her - are endearing at the beginning of a relationship but can get real tired quick.
</div></div>



I think she thought it was her duty to be supportive and encouraging and 'raising him up' especially when he was 'down' on himself (which was often )

[Nunya]

Re: The cost

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Pepper</div><div class="ubbcode-body">He sounds like a wuss. Meeda a get tired of him too. That is a lot of baggage to carry around. I can only imagine how taxing he was. From the way it reads, not only did she have to encourage him, she had to follow-up with daily/hourly reminders that he really could do it.

As MG said, that is a full time baby tending job...and we all know babies grow up. After a few years they can go to the bathroom all by themselves.

Were they married? Children? Approx ages, how long were they together? </div></div>

I know this guy and though I'm sure he doesn't 'whine' and 'complain' and 'balk' when he's around us much, I <span style="font-style: italic">know</span> I wouldn't be able to put up with it for the 7 or so years that she's done it.

They have no children. They are not married but co-habit. She's about 45 (some have suggested it's a midlife thing with her) He's a few years older.