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<span style="font-weight: bold">a long read but solid advice</span>
Golden Rules For Finding Your Life
Partner
by Dov Heller, M.A
When it comes to
making the decision about choosing a life partner, no
one wants to make a
mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it
appears that many
are making serious mistakes in their approach to
finding Mr./Miss.
Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're
getting
married, they'll say: 'We're in
love.' I believe this is the #1 mistake
people make when they date. Choosing a life partner
should never be based
on love. Though this may sound 'not politically
correct', there's a
profound truth here.
Love is not the basis
for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a
good marriage. When
the other ingredients are right, then the love will
come. Let me say it
again: 'You can't build a lifetime
relationship on love alone'. You need a
lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're
serious about finding and keeping a life partner.
QUESTION 1:
Do we share a common life purpose? Why is
this so important? Let me put it this way: If
you're married for 20 or 30
years, that's a longtime to live with someone.
What do you plan to do with
each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog
together? You need to share
something deeper and more meaningful. You need a
common life
purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow
together, or (2) You can grow apart. Fifty percent
(50%) of the people out
there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you
need to know what
you want out of life! The BOTTOM LINE -- MARRY
SOMEONE WHO WANTS THE SAME
THING!!!!!
QUESTION 2:
Do I feel safe expressing my
feelings and thoughts with this person? This
question goes to the
core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling
safe means you can
communicate openly with this person. The basis of
having good
communication is trust ( i.e., trust that I won't
get 'punished' or hurt
for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.)
A colleague of mine
defines an abusive person as someone with whom you
feel afraid to express
your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself
on this one. Make sure
you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to
marry.
QUESTION 3:
Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is someone
who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you
test? Here are some
suggestions: Do they work on personal growth on a
regular basis? Are they
serious about improving themselves?
A teacher of mine defines a good
person as 'someone who is always striving to be
good and do the right
thing'. So ask about your Significant
Other...What do they do with their
time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a
materialistic person is not
some one whose top priority is character refinement.
There are
essentially two types of people in the world: (1)
People who are dedicated
to personal growth and (2) People who are dedicated
to seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will
put personal comfort
ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that
before walking down
the aisle.
QUESTION 4:
How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any
relationship work is the
ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to
give another person
pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others
or
are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?
To measure this,
think about the following: How do they treat people
whom they do not have
to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi
drivers, etc. How do they
treat their parents and siblings? Do they have
gratitude and appreciation?
If they don't have gratitude for the people who
have given them
everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You
can be sure that
someone who treats others poorly, will eventually
treat you poorly as
well.
QUESTION 5 :
Is there anything I'm
hoping to change about this person after we're
married? Too many people
make the mistake of marrying someone with the
intention of trying to
'improve' them after they're married. As
a colleague of mine puts it: 'You
can probably expect someone to change after marriage
for the worse' If you
cannot fully accept this person the way they are now,
then you are not
ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult
and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little
more with your head
and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective
as possible when you
are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will
help you get to the key
issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up
with a
ring on your finger, you don't want to find
yourself in trouble because
you didn't do your homework.
Another Perspective....
There are some
people in your life that need to be loved from a
distance. It's amazing
what you can accomplish when you let go of or at
least minimize your time
with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going
anywhere relationships.
Observe the relationships around you.
Pay attention. Which ones lift
and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which
ones discourage? Which
ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones
are going downhill?
When you leave certain people do you feel better or
feel worse? Which ones
always have drama or don't really understand,
know, or appreciate you? The
more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of
mind, love and truth
around you, the easier it will become for you to
decide who gets to sit in
the front row and who should be moved to the balcony
of your life.
An
African proverb states, 'Before you get married,
keep both eyes open, and
after you marry, close one eye'. Before you get
involved and make a
commitment to someone, don't let lust, pity,
desperation, immaturity,
ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem
make you blind to
warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't
fool yourself that you can
change someone or that what you see as faults
aren't really that
important.
Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment
and compromise with each other, or do you compete,
compareand control?
What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring
past relationships,
past hurt, past mistrust, pastpain? You can't
take someone to the altar to
alter them. You can't make someone love you or
make someone stay. If you
develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and
'a life,' you won't
find yourself making someone else responsible for
your happiness or be
responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and
security are the wrong
reasons to be in a relationship.
WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG ARE:
1.
TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5.
SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7.
DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call,
touch,
notes,etc.)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH
OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A
SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
If
these qualities are missing, the relationship will
erode as resentment,
withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain
replace it.
Remember:
Happiness brings Peace of
Mind,
Trials & Tests give Us Strength,
Tears bring Relief,
followed by Joy,
Adversity teaches Us 'priceless' Lessons and
Humility,
Success is the ONLY option!!
Reach for it and keep Glowing!!
Golden Rules For Finding Your Life
Partner
by Dov Heller, M.A
When it comes to
making the decision about choosing a life partner, no
one wants to make a
mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it
appears that many
are making serious mistakes in their approach to
finding Mr./Miss.
Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're
getting
married, they'll say: 'We're in
love.' I believe this is the #1 mistake
people make when they date. Choosing a life partner
should never be based
on love. Though this may sound 'not politically
correct', there's a
profound truth here.
Love is not the basis
for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a
good marriage. When
the other ingredients are right, then the love will
come. Let me say it
again: 'You can't build a lifetime
relationship on love alone'. You need a
lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're
serious about finding and keeping a life partner.
QUESTION 1:
Do we share a common life purpose? Why is
this so important? Let me put it this way: If
you're married for 20 or 30
years, that's a longtime to live with someone.
What do you plan to do with
each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog
together? You need to share
something deeper and more meaningful. You need a
common life
purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow
together, or (2) You can grow apart. Fifty percent
(50%) of the people out
there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you
need to know what
you want out of life! The BOTTOM LINE -- MARRY
SOMEONE WHO WANTS THE SAME
THING!!!!!
QUESTION 2:
Do I feel safe expressing my
feelings and thoughts with this person? This
question goes to the
core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling
safe means you can
communicate openly with this person. The basis of
having good
communication is trust ( i.e., trust that I won't
get 'punished' or hurt
for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.)
A colleague of mine
defines an abusive person as someone with whom you
feel afraid to express
your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself
on this one. Make sure
you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to
marry.
QUESTION 3:
Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is someone
who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you
test? Here are some
suggestions: Do they work on personal growth on a
regular basis? Are they
serious about improving themselves?
A teacher of mine defines a good
person as 'someone who is always striving to be
good and do the right
thing'. So ask about your Significant
Other...What do they do with their
time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a
materialistic person is not
some one whose top priority is character refinement.
There are
essentially two types of people in the world: (1)
People who are dedicated
to personal growth and (2) People who are dedicated
to seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will
put personal comfort
ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that
before walking down
the aisle.
QUESTION 4:
How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any
relationship work is the
ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to
give another person
pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others
or
are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?
To measure this,
think about the following: How do they treat people
whom they do not have
to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi
drivers, etc. How do they
treat their parents and siblings? Do they have
gratitude and appreciation?
If they don't have gratitude for the people who
have given them
everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You
can be sure that
someone who treats others poorly, will eventually
treat you poorly as
well.
QUESTION 5 :
Is there anything I'm
hoping to change about this person after we're
married? Too many people
make the mistake of marrying someone with the
intention of trying to
'improve' them after they're married. As
a colleague of mine puts it: 'You
can probably expect someone to change after marriage
for the worse' If you
cannot fully accept this person the way they are now,
then you are not
ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult
and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little
more with your head
and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective
as possible when you
are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will
help you get to the key
issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up
with a
ring on your finger, you don't want to find
yourself in trouble because
you didn't do your homework.
Another Perspective....
There are some
people in your life that need to be loved from a
distance. It's amazing
what you can accomplish when you let go of or at
least minimize your time
with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going
anywhere relationships.
Observe the relationships around you.
Pay attention. Which ones lift
and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which
ones discourage? Which
ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones
are going downhill?
When you leave certain people do you feel better or
feel worse? Which ones
always have drama or don't really understand,
know, or appreciate you? The
more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of
mind, love and truth
around you, the easier it will become for you to
decide who gets to sit in
the front row and who should be moved to the balcony
of your life.
An
African proverb states, 'Before you get married,
keep both eyes open, and
after you marry, close one eye'. Before you get
involved and make a
commitment to someone, don't let lust, pity,
desperation, immaturity,
ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem
make you blind to
warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't
fool yourself that you can
change someone or that what you see as faults
aren't really that
important.
Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment
and compromise with each other, or do you compete,
compareand control?
What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring
past relationships,
past hurt, past mistrust, pastpain? You can't
take someone to the altar to
alter them. You can't make someone love you or
make someone stay. If you
develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and
'a life,' you won't
find yourself making someone else responsible for
your happiness or be
responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and
security are the wrong
reasons to be in a relationship.
WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG ARE:
1.
TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5.
SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7.
DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call,
touch,
notes,etc.)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH
OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A
SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
If
these qualities are missing, the relationship will
erode as resentment,
withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain
replace it.
Remember:
Happiness brings Peace of
Mind,
Trials & Tests give Us Strength,
Tears bring Relief,
followed by Joy,
Adversity teaches Us 'priceless' Lessons and
Humility,
Success is the ONLY option!!
Reach for it and keep Glowing!!
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