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This is from the Washingtonpost, you can check out Carolyn's advise yourself, but I'll also post after a few here, if you guys are game enough to answer. What do you think about the bride to be too?
Hi, Carolyn: I’ve got a problem with my fiance and partner of 4 1 / 2 years.
The good: He’s brilliant, creatively resourceful, outgoing, easy to talk to, wonderful at supporting me with my health issues, and aligns with me on so many of the big-picture goals that really matter. Kids, money, sex, family, etc. The bad: He’s stubborn, opinionated yet strongly influenced by the opinions of others, and sometimes unable to empathize. I’m no doctor, but we both believe he may have a touch of narcissism.
The problem we’re having is about my name. I’m just not sure I’m comfortable assuming his name, I don’t like hyphenation, and I don’t want to lose my middle name (which holds a ton of family history) by putting my maiden name there. I’m also a feminist and don’t think I like the tradition I would be supporting by doing this.
My understanding after several unsuccessful talks is that it matters to him because it matters to his family and society as a whole. I want to value what matters to him, but admittedly I struggle to not see that as a really stupid motivator. He is unwilling to change HIS name in any way, and refuses to even discuss alternate ways we could satisfy his needs here.
Last week we had our biggest fight yet about this. His demeanor was the embodiment of every unattractive quality within him, and none of the good. He told me that I WOULD take his name one way or another and that he wouldn’t discuss it further. This is not the way we speak to each other.
He had a real chance of talking me into it if he had come to me thoughtfully and lovingly and stated his case. But he went as far as to imply that he would not marry me unless I caved on this. (Note: Children are not in our future.)
His whole handling of this argument is making me think maybe this is a mistake. I mean, this is MARRIAGE we’re heading for. We’re planning a WEDDING. I’m feeling bullied and totally misunderstood and disrespected. We’ve been through some major trials, but we’ve never been so unable to communicate. This fight really scares me. Meanwhile, we have appointments with caterers and photographers coming up and I don’t know if we should cancel this whole thing or what. What are your thoughts?
http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifest...6a0_story.html
Hi, Carolyn: I’ve got a problem with my fiance and partner of 4 1 / 2 years.
The good: He’s brilliant, creatively resourceful, outgoing, easy to talk to, wonderful at supporting me with my health issues, and aligns with me on so many of the big-picture goals that really matter. Kids, money, sex, family, etc. The bad: He’s stubborn, opinionated yet strongly influenced by the opinions of others, and sometimes unable to empathize. I’m no doctor, but we both believe he may have a touch of narcissism.
The problem we’re having is about my name. I’m just not sure I’m comfortable assuming his name, I don’t like hyphenation, and I don’t want to lose my middle name (which holds a ton of family history) by putting my maiden name there. I’m also a feminist and don’t think I like the tradition I would be supporting by doing this.
My understanding after several unsuccessful talks is that it matters to him because it matters to his family and society as a whole. I want to value what matters to him, but admittedly I struggle to not see that as a really stupid motivator. He is unwilling to change HIS name in any way, and refuses to even discuss alternate ways we could satisfy his needs here.
Last week we had our biggest fight yet about this. His demeanor was the embodiment of every unattractive quality within him, and none of the good. He told me that I WOULD take his name one way or another and that he wouldn’t discuss it further. This is not the way we speak to each other.
He had a real chance of talking me into it if he had come to me thoughtfully and lovingly and stated his case. But he went as far as to imply that he would not marry me unless I caved on this. (Note: Children are not in our future.)
His whole handling of this argument is making me think maybe this is a mistake. I mean, this is MARRIAGE we’re heading for. We’re planning a WEDDING. I’m feeling bullied and totally misunderstood and disrespected. We’ve been through some major trials, but we’ve never been so unable to communicate. This fight really scares me. Meanwhile, we have appointments with caterers and photographers coming up and I don’t know if we should cancel this whole thing or what. What are your thoughts?
http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifest...6a0_story.html
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