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<span style="font-weight: bold">She has a male friend that is crossing the platonic line, even though she's already set boundaries. Is it time to end the friendship?</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold">Dear Margot,</span>
I am an Indian girl who comes from a very traditional family.
I have a friend, also from India, who is very nice and caring towards me. He professed his love to me earlier.
I cut him off for some time because I thought he wouldn’t be able to have a platonic relationship with me. But we’ve reconciled and since then, we share a great friendship.
The only problem is that he often tries to hold and hug me, and tries to touch my hands and face. He hasn’t done anything exactly inappropriate, but I am not sure about his intentions and it makes me uncomfortable.
When I mentioned to him that my concern is because I am expected to marry the man who is arranged for me by my parents, he took great offense, got very hurt and assured me that he will not touch me again and begged my forgiveness. But after a few days, he gets back to the same routine.
Should I just end the friendship with him?
Is it unrealistic to expect to have male friends?
Also, how do I express anything to him without hurting him badly?
Please help me out of this situation. I feel really guilty and distressed all the time.
–Traditional Tara
<span style="font-weight: bold">Dear TT,</span>
I’m sorry you’re in such an uncomfortable situation. Unwanted advances of any kind are always hard to deal with, especially when we value the relationship with the person who is doing the advancing. In this particular situation, you’ve been very clear about your boundaries and he has repeatedly disrespected them. You’ve established a pattern here: You tell him what your limits are, he exceeds those limits, you object, he pledges to respect you, your forgive him, and at some point in the future, he disrespects you again. From where I sit, sugar, there is no reason to think this pattern will change.
As you point out, this guy has fallen in love with you but because of your cultural traditions, there’s just no way you can return his feelings and pursue a romantic relationship. So is there any way he can respect your situation and keep things strictly platonic? I hate to say so, TT, but my hunch is no. Why? Because when you explained it to him the first time, he responded by taking offense. Now, I’m not criticizing the guy for being hurt. After all, he loves you. But the fact that he got ticked off tells me that he blames you (or your family) for the situation and will therefore be less likely to take responsibility for his actions in the future.
You ask in your letter to “please help me out of this situation.” But the fact is, you’re going have to help yourself by telling him you just can’t see him anymore. That’ll be a difficult conversation for sure, but I think it’s really the best way at this point. Taking the direct approach is usually best and, in this case, it may be the only way to get things the way you want them.
The hard part, of course, will be saying the words when you know how hurt he’ll be. Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do to control his feelings except to be as brief, clear and honest as possible. Whatever you do, don’t drag things out. That’s what hurts the most for everyone. And don’t give him time to “rebut”. You’ve done this before and you can’t take stock in his reassurances that he won’t make further advances — so don’t even allow him to go down that path again.
Remember that you’ll hurt a little, too, because you’re losing a friend. So there’s some hurt in store for both of you. And that’s why making the telling as short and sweet as possible is really the way to go. It won’t be easy, but it’s not as hard as keeping things the way they are.
If you don’t think you’ve got the chutzpah to have the conversation, reread the letter you sent me. It screams “Get me out of here!” to me. So distill what you’ve written into a few key points you want to make to him, find a neutral spot (like a quiet café or park bench) and tell him the way it is. Stand firm in your decision and don’t let him try to talk you out of it. You’re pledged to another man and you intend to honor that. Part of doing so means that your friend has to honor your commitment.
Margot Carmichael Lester is a freelance writer based in North Carolina. Send your faith-based dating questions [email protected].
<span style="font-weight: bold">Dear Margot,</span>
I am an Indian girl who comes from a very traditional family.
I have a friend, also from India, who is very nice and caring towards me. He professed his love to me earlier.
I cut him off for some time because I thought he wouldn’t be able to have a platonic relationship with me. But we’ve reconciled and since then, we share a great friendship.
The only problem is that he often tries to hold and hug me, and tries to touch my hands and face. He hasn’t done anything exactly inappropriate, but I am not sure about his intentions and it makes me uncomfortable.
When I mentioned to him that my concern is because I am expected to marry the man who is arranged for me by my parents, he took great offense, got very hurt and assured me that he will not touch me again and begged my forgiveness. But after a few days, he gets back to the same routine.
Should I just end the friendship with him?
Is it unrealistic to expect to have male friends?
Also, how do I express anything to him without hurting him badly?
Please help me out of this situation. I feel really guilty and distressed all the time.
–Traditional Tara
<span style="font-weight: bold">Dear TT,</span>
I’m sorry you’re in such an uncomfortable situation. Unwanted advances of any kind are always hard to deal with, especially when we value the relationship with the person who is doing the advancing. In this particular situation, you’ve been very clear about your boundaries and he has repeatedly disrespected them. You’ve established a pattern here: You tell him what your limits are, he exceeds those limits, you object, he pledges to respect you, your forgive him, and at some point in the future, he disrespects you again. From where I sit, sugar, there is no reason to think this pattern will change.
As you point out, this guy has fallen in love with you but because of your cultural traditions, there’s just no way you can return his feelings and pursue a romantic relationship. So is there any way he can respect your situation and keep things strictly platonic? I hate to say so, TT, but my hunch is no. Why? Because when you explained it to him the first time, he responded by taking offense. Now, I’m not criticizing the guy for being hurt. After all, he loves you. But the fact that he got ticked off tells me that he blames you (or your family) for the situation and will therefore be less likely to take responsibility for his actions in the future.
You ask in your letter to “please help me out of this situation.” But the fact is, you’re going have to help yourself by telling him you just can’t see him anymore. That’ll be a difficult conversation for sure, but I think it’s really the best way at this point. Taking the direct approach is usually best and, in this case, it may be the only way to get things the way you want them.
The hard part, of course, will be saying the words when you know how hurt he’ll be. Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do to control his feelings except to be as brief, clear and honest as possible. Whatever you do, don’t drag things out. That’s what hurts the most for everyone. And don’t give him time to “rebut”. You’ve done this before and you can’t take stock in his reassurances that he won’t make further advances — so don’t even allow him to go down that path again.
Remember that you’ll hurt a little, too, because you’re losing a friend. So there’s some hurt in store for both of you. And that’s why making the telling as short and sweet as possible is really the way to go. It won’t be easy, but it’s not as hard as keeping things the way they are.
If you don’t think you’ve got the chutzpah to have the conversation, reread the letter you sent me. It screams “Get me out of here!” to me. So distill what you’ve written into a few key points you want to make to him, find a neutral spot (like a quiet café or park bench) and tell him the way it is. Stand firm in your decision and don’t let him try to talk you out of it. You’re pledged to another man and you intend to honor that. Part of doing so means that your friend has to honor your commitment.
Margot Carmichael Lester is a freelance writer based in North Carolina. Send your faith-based dating questions [email protected].