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10 years together, no ring
By WAYNE A POWELL
Monday, November 23, 2009
<span style="font-weight: bold">HOLD up your hand if any of the following scenarios best describe your situation.</span>
<span style="font-style: italic">. Scenario 1:</span> You have been with a man for 10 years or more and you have a child or children with him but he has never indicated to you that he intends to marry you, and when you bring up the topic he gets upset and is quite evasive.
<span style="font-style: italic">
. Scenario 2</span>: You are in a relationship but you and your partner have very little in common and you both engage more in trivial exchanges rather than loving discourse.
. <span style="font-style: italic">Scenario 3:</span> You are in a marital relationship but you or your partner are romantically involved with someone else.
If you can identify with any of the above, then there is cause for concern.
<span style="font-style: italic">Let's examine Scenario 1.</span>
The usual response from the man is that when the woman gets the ring she behaves differently and sometimes takes her new role of wife for granted. There is also the argument that the common-law/shack-up/ "live wid" arrangement is less rigourous than the marriage contractual arrangement, and so the feeling is that either party can briskly walk away from the common -law/shack-up/ "live wid" arrangement than they can in the marital arrangement.
The woman feels insecure in this relationship, and is even embarrassed when her friends speak of their husbands while she refers to her perennial boyfriend as her gentleman or the children's father or more crudely put, "Mi man" or "dem pickney puppa".
Mr Gentleman prefers the freedom that the common-law arrangement brings as he feels he is under no obligation to give up the other woman or women. He will declare himself as free, single and disengaged especially to the women who say, "Mi nah deh wid nuh married man".
<span style="font-style: italic">Suggestion for Scenario 1:</span>
Pose this question to your gentleman: "If I am good enough to be your child's mother, why am I not good enough to be your wife?"
The man who refuses to formalise the relationship is probably fearful of commitment and may have witnessed his married parents go through hell.
The woman may have to use gentle persuasion to urge him up the aisle. Nagging him will not help your cause.
After attending a number of weddings, the matrimonial bug may bite. The well-thinking man, who claims he loves his woman and wants to make her happy, will see the folly of his ways and do the honourable thing.
<span style="font-style: italic">Scenario 2</span>
Sometimes people get together for the wrong reasons - money, popularity, status, sympathy. Although these are important, they can't be the sole reason for initiating a man/woman relationship. There must be some compatibility between the parties that transcends the material and temporal things.
One such area of compatibility which is most times overlooked is educational background. If both parties are miles apart in terms of their academic attainment, this can create conflict in the relationship.
The woman who obtained a university education can pose a threat to her husband who only achieved primary school-level education. He may be a wealthy businessman but he may be unable to initiate and hold an intelligent discussion with his spouse, and to show her who wears the trousers he resorts to aggressive means to stamp his authority in the relationship.
<span style="font-style: italic">Suggestion for Scenario 2:</span> Don't use your superior educational standing to intimidate your man. He may retaliate with force to preserve his fragile ego. Instead help him to meet you halfway by encouraging him to enrol in a class that will assist in improving his academic qualification. Work with him and support him all the way.
If his aggression is out of control, then encourage him to seek anger management therapy.
<span style="font-style: italic">
Scenario 3</span>
If one party is cheating on the other, it is time to do a reality check and make a decision about the future of the relationship. One critical question that must be posed is, "What are the precipitating factors that led to the unfaithfulness?"
It is true that the behaviour of some women and men drive their spouses into the arms of others. In other instances, however, there are no apparent reasons other than the woman is just plain "bad" or the man is just plain "craven".
<span style="font-style: italic">Suggestion for Scenario 3:</span> Make a decision about whether you will continue in the dysfunctional relationship. You can either live in a state of denial and move on with your cheating partner or you confront the situation and move on with your life. Get professional help if necessary.
Wayne A Powell is a relationship counsellor. He may be contacted at [email protected] or www.crisscounselloronline.com
By WAYNE A POWELL
Monday, November 23, 2009
<span style="font-weight: bold">HOLD up your hand if any of the following scenarios best describe your situation.</span>
<span style="font-style: italic">. Scenario 1:</span> You have been with a man for 10 years or more and you have a child or children with him but he has never indicated to you that he intends to marry you, and when you bring up the topic he gets upset and is quite evasive.
<span style="font-style: italic">
. Scenario 2</span>: You are in a relationship but you and your partner have very little in common and you both engage more in trivial exchanges rather than loving discourse.
. <span style="font-style: italic">Scenario 3:</span> You are in a marital relationship but you or your partner are romantically involved with someone else.
If you can identify with any of the above, then there is cause for concern.
<span style="font-style: italic">Let's examine Scenario 1.</span>
The usual response from the man is that when the woman gets the ring she behaves differently and sometimes takes her new role of wife for granted. There is also the argument that the common-law/shack-up/ "live wid" arrangement is less rigourous than the marriage contractual arrangement, and so the feeling is that either party can briskly walk away from the common -law/shack-up/ "live wid" arrangement than they can in the marital arrangement.
The woman feels insecure in this relationship, and is even embarrassed when her friends speak of their husbands while she refers to her perennial boyfriend as her gentleman or the children's father or more crudely put, "Mi man" or "dem pickney puppa".
Mr Gentleman prefers the freedom that the common-law arrangement brings as he feels he is under no obligation to give up the other woman or women. He will declare himself as free, single and disengaged especially to the women who say, "Mi nah deh wid nuh married man".
<span style="font-style: italic">Suggestion for Scenario 1:</span>
Pose this question to your gentleman: "If I am good enough to be your child's mother, why am I not good enough to be your wife?"
The man who refuses to formalise the relationship is probably fearful of commitment and may have witnessed his married parents go through hell.
The woman may have to use gentle persuasion to urge him up the aisle. Nagging him will not help your cause.
After attending a number of weddings, the matrimonial bug may bite. The well-thinking man, who claims he loves his woman and wants to make her happy, will see the folly of his ways and do the honourable thing.
<span style="font-style: italic">Scenario 2</span>
Sometimes people get together for the wrong reasons - money, popularity, status, sympathy. Although these are important, they can't be the sole reason for initiating a man/woman relationship. There must be some compatibility between the parties that transcends the material and temporal things.
One such area of compatibility which is most times overlooked is educational background. If both parties are miles apart in terms of their academic attainment, this can create conflict in the relationship.
The woman who obtained a university education can pose a threat to her husband who only achieved primary school-level education. He may be a wealthy businessman but he may be unable to initiate and hold an intelligent discussion with his spouse, and to show her who wears the trousers he resorts to aggressive means to stamp his authority in the relationship.
<span style="font-style: italic">Suggestion for Scenario 2:</span> Don't use your superior educational standing to intimidate your man. He may retaliate with force to preserve his fragile ego. Instead help him to meet you halfway by encouraging him to enrol in a class that will assist in improving his academic qualification. Work with him and support him all the way.
If his aggression is out of control, then encourage him to seek anger management therapy.
<span style="font-style: italic">
Scenario 3</span>
If one party is cheating on the other, it is time to do a reality check and make a decision about the future of the relationship. One critical question that must be posed is, "What are the precipitating factors that led to the unfaithfulness?"
It is true that the behaviour of some women and men drive their spouses into the arms of others. In other instances, however, there are no apparent reasons other than the woman is just plain "bad" or the man is just plain "craven".
<span style="font-style: italic">Suggestion for Scenario 3:</span> Make a decision about whether you will continue in the dysfunctional relationship. You can either live in a state of denial and move on with your cheating partner or you confront the situation and move on with your life. Get professional help if necessary.
Wayne A Powell is a relationship counsellor. He may be contacted at [email protected] or www.crisscounselloronline.com
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