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Scent of a woman: Why great men risk everything for sex
BY PETULA CLARKE All Woman editor [email protected]
Monday, January 04, 2010
LONG before Tiger Woods – the world's greatest golfer – fell from grace for partaking in pleasures forbidden to married men, countless numbers of great men lost power and prestige to the seemingly irresistible lure of the vagina.
An endless list of some of the biggest names includes Bill Clinton, the former US president, whose infidelity with White House intern Monica Lewinsky in 1998 led to his impeachment; the Rev Jimmy Swaggart, one of the US' most popular televangelists; Gary Hart and John Edwards, US presidential candidates; basketballer Michael Jordon, boxer Mike Tyson, and before them, of course, probably the most famous abdication in recent memory, that of King Edward VIII of England who gave up the throne in 1936 to marry American divorcée, Wallis Simpson.
As far back as Bible times, great men like Samson, whom God charged with delivering the Israelites from the Philistines, fell for the affections of the alluring Delilah and lost his strength and sight in the process.
King Solomon, famous for his hundreds of wives and concubines, paid homage to the female body in song, likening thighs to jewels and lips to scarlet. Meanwhile, Adam caused the fate of the world to change forever, all because he couldn't resist temptation by the captivating Eve.
Since then, business empires have been wasted, numerous marriages destroyed and families torn apart, all because, as a confessed Jamaican adulterer said, "of that mysterious organ found between a woman's legs".
"Men, you have to beware of the vagina," said the man, who asked not to be named to prevent embarrassment to his family. "It's like a trap that sucks you in, then spits you back out to deal with the world's snark and scrutiny."
Can men resist the vagina or must they remain slaves to its allure? The Observer put the question to a male and female gynaecologist, a sex therapist and a marriage counsellor.
"You have to be mindful of the whole male/female dynamic, the fact of our humanity and the fact of our sexuality," Reverend Karl Johnson, former president of the Jamaica Council of Churches and counsellor, explained.
"Once you put those three things on the table you realise that at no point in time are we not human and vulnerable and susceptible to all kinds of things just by the mere fact of our humanity. Not everybody would be faced with the same challenges. But we all have our shortcomings, our vulnerabilities."
It's a vulnerability that some experts have sought to explain, linking male behaviour to that of other animals in the animal kingdom that have pheromones -- chemicals which indicate the availability of the female for breeding and that can attract the opposite sex.
But, said gynaecologist Dr Charles Rockhead, humans don't possess pheromones, so there's nothing chemical, nothing in medical science about the vagina's special ability to lure a man.
"From a medical perspective, the vagina is not lined with some special pheromones that say 'here I am, come in'," he said. He prefers instead to link the tendency of men, especially powerful men, to stray to one word – power.
"When a man has power he sees himself as king, as having a domain and women are his subjects," Dr Rockhead said. "Women, too, love to be associated with this power in the sense of money, politics, industry. Women are attracted to it."
He added: "As regards to Tiger, he was always a nerd, then he became the king of his world, and all of a sudden, he's now the big attraction. Women who'd not have found him attractive before now throw themselves at him and it's very hard to say no."
Another temptation, he said, was the variety – different women have different body parts, feel different and it's incredibly difficult for a man to say no.
"It's difficult or impossible to say no to this attention. It's the same with doctors. All your life you're a nerd, then you get a medical degree and suddenly women are attracted to the stethoscope. It's all about power. But, as they say absolute power corrupts absolutely."
Rockhead aruged also that sex was much sought after because it gave an extremely intense high, where during the act you release the feel-good hormones, endorphins and serotonin. And he said, it doesn't matter whether the other woman looks worse or is less smart than the man's wife, as, "when you're looking vagina you don't want to go into the nitty gritty of what's going on in the New York Times".
Gynaecologist Dr Keisha Buchannan pointed to a more obvious pull for men -- it's all in the appearance.
"The vagina is physically attractive to men and psychologically the physical look is associated with pleasure," she says. "But it's not just the vagina; it's the whole woman. It's not just the physical vagina; it's the breasts, her shape, the whole thing denotes pleasure."
It's the thought of pleasure that gets men hooked, the experts agree, and the tensions of life that make them unable to resist.
"A man always has to balance the tension caused by the need to be committed to one woman because of religious and social status reasons and the innate desire to be free from that commitment, if only for a one-night stand," Sidney McGill, marriage and family therapist and sex disorder therapist said.
"He tends to stay faithful to his committed relationship when he feels his sexual, emotional, social and spiritual needs are being met most of the time. On the other hand, if one or more of his love needs are unmet he may develop a compulsion to fulfil his sexual fantasies elsewhere. Sexual risk-taking becomes an exhilarating experience and so he lives for the next sexual encounter."
And great men, McGill said, carry the stress of meeting the public's expectations and many are burdened by a sense of loneliness.
"If their emotional and sexual needs are not fully met, many can be easily seduced by a woman or man who can give sexual service. They also may go in hot pursuit of adventurous sex themselves," he said. "Men say they have better sex with their mistresses and are more likely to share more intimate moments with them than with their wives or common-law partners."
He said that in his practice, and when dealing with couples, he takes into account the sexual vulnerabilities of men and women in a committed relationship and puts in place a prevention plan specific to the needs of the couple.
"I, however, do not condone unfaithfulness... Premarital counselling therefore is important to educate the couple about their responsibilities and provide the opportunity for greater understanding about his/her partner."
He said, for example, a man with unmet emotional and sexual needs was more likely to spend more time at the sports bar drinking alcohol and smoking more marijuana. He may have a greater desire to gamble, get greater public recognition and even work harder and longer.
"If he developed the habit of having multiple sexual partners during adolescence and early adulthood and links this sexual lifestyle to his masculine outlook, then committing to one woman becomes a serious challenge. Partners must intentionally make time for deep communication perhaps after sex, during devotion, regular getaways from the daily routine or simply sharing chores such as cooking. The benefits of increased transparency and intimacy from a free and open communication action plan is a wise investment against infidelity," McGill advised.
Another problem men face, added Rev Johnson, may be that they have no accountability and no support system to prevent them from bowing to desires that are only human.
"It's always important to have accountability," Johnson said. "Each of us needs to have a kind of framework of accountability, of people with whom we can share our struggles and receive the kind of support that can help us. There is a general rule that you have to exercise restraint and self control."
He said that sometimes when men make mistakes, yield to temptation and then fall, it was all a test, an experience.
<span style="font-weight: bold">"Sometimes you don't know (the value of resisting temptation) until you go through certain things.</span> The key is acknowledgement that if they had nipped something in the bud, they would have been able to navigate through temptation. All of us sharing a common humanity are all vulnerable. We're all human, all flawed, all battle and struggle with all sorts... and we have to be aware, remain conscious and stay focused."
BY PETULA CLARKE All Woman editor [email protected]
Monday, January 04, 2010
LONG before Tiger Woods – the world's greatest golfer – fell from grace for partaking in pleasures forbidden to married men, countless numbers of great men lost power and prestige to the seemingly irresistible lure of the vagina.
An endless list of some of the biggest names includes Bill Clinton, the former US president, whose infidelity with White House intern Monica Lewinsky in 1998 led to his impeachment; the Rev Jimmy Swaggart, one of the US' most popular televangelists; Gary Hart and John Edwards, US presidential candidates; basketballer Michael Jordon, boxer Mike Tyson, and before them, of course, probably the most famous abdication in recent memory, that of King Edward VIII of England who gave up the throne in 1936 to marry American divorcée, Wallis Simpson.
As far back as Bible times, great men like Samson, whom God charged with delivering the Israelites from the Philistines, fell for the affections of the alluring Delilah and lost his strength and sight in the process.
King Solomon, famous for his hundreds of wives and concubines, paid homage to the female body in song, likening thighs to jewels and lips to scarlet. Meanwhile, Adam caused the fate of the world to change forever, all because he couldn't resist temptation by the captivating Eve.
Since then, business empires have been wasted, numerous marriages destroyed and families torn apart, all because, as a confessed Jamaican adulterer said, "of that mysterious organ found between a woman's legs".
"Men, you have to beware of the vagina," said the man, who asked not to be named to prevent embarrassment to his family. "It's like a trap that sucks you in, then spits you back out to deal with the world's snark and scrutiny."
Can men resist the vagina or must they remain slaves to its allure? The Observer put the question to a male and female gynaecologist, a sex therapist and a marriage counsellor.
"You have to be mindful of the whole male/female dynamic, the fact of our humanity and the fact of our sexuality," Reverend Karl Johnson, former president of the Jamaica Council of Churches and counsellor, explained.
"Once you put those three things on the table you realise that at no point in time are we not human and vulnerable and susceptible to all kinds of things just by the mere fact of our humanity. Not everybody would be faced with the same challenges. But we all have our shortcomings, our vulnerabilities."
It's a vulnerability that some experts have sought to explain, linking male behaviour to that of other animals in the animal kingdom that have pheromones -- chemicals which indicate the availability of the female for breeding and that can attract the opposite sex.
But, said gynaecologist Dr Charles Rockhead, humans don't possess pheromones, so there's nothing chemical, nothing in medical science about the vagina's special ability to lure a man.
"From a medical perspective, the vagina is not lined with some special pheromones that say 'here I am, come in'," he said. He prefers instead to link the tendency of men, especially powerful men, to stray to one word – power.
"When a man has power he sees himself as king, as having a domain and women are his subjects," Dr Rockhead said. "Women, too, love to be associated with this power in the sense of money, politics, industry. Women are attracted to it."
He added: "As regards to Tiger, he was always a nerd, then he became the king of his world, and all of a sudden, he's now the big attraction. Women who'd not have found him attractive before now throw themselves at him and it's very hard to say no."
Another temptation, he said, was the variety – different women have different body parts, feel different and it's incredibly difficult for a man to say no.
"It's difficult or impossible to say no to this attention. It's the same with doctors. All your life you're a nerd, then you get a medical degree and suddenly women are attracted to the stethoscope. It's all about power. But, as they say absolute power corrupts absolutely."
Rockhead aruged also that sex was much sought after because it gave an extremely intense high, where during the act you release the feel-good hormones, endorphins and serotonin. And he said, it doesn't matter whether the other woman looks worse or is less smart than the man's wife, as, "when you're looking vagina you don't want to go into the nitty gritty of what's going on in the New York Times".
Gynaecologist Dr Keisha Buchannan pointed to a more obvious pull for men -- it's all in the appearance.
"The vagina is physically attractive to men and psychologically the physical look is associated with pleasure," she says. "But it's not just the vagina; it's the whole woman. It's not just the physical vagina; it's the breasts, her shape, the whole thing denotes pleasure."
It's the thought of pleasure that gets men hooked, the experts agree, and the tensions of life that make them unable to resist.
"A man always has to balance the tension caused by the need to be committed to one woman because of religious and social status reasons and the innate desire to be free from that commitment, if only for a one-night stand," Sidney McGill, marriage and family therapist and sex disorder therapist said.
"He tends to stay faithful to his committed relationship when he feels his sexual, emotional, social and spiritual needs are being met most of the time. On the other hand, if one or more of his love needs are unmet he may develop a compulsion to fulfil his sexual fantasies elsewhere. Sexual risk-taking becomes an exhilarating experience and so he lives for the next sexual encounter."
And great men, McGill said, carry the stress of meeting the public's expectations and many are burdened by a sense of loneliness.
"If their emotional and sexual needs are not fully met, many can be easily seduced by a woman or man who can give sexual service. They also may go in hot pursuit of adventurous sex themselves," he said. "Men say they have better sex with their mistresses and are more likely to share more intimate moments with them than with their wives or common-law partners."
He said that in his practice, and when dealing with couples, he takes into account the sexual vulnerabilities of men and women in a committed relationship and puts in place a prevention plan specific to the needs of the couple.
"I, however, do not condone unfaithfulness... Premarital counselling therefore is important to educate the couple about their responsibilities and provide the opportunity for greater understanding about his/her partner."
He said, for example, a man with unmet emotional and sexual needs was more likely to spend more time at the sports bar drinking alcohol and smoking more marijuana. He may have a greater desire to gamble, get greater public recognition and even work harder and longer.
"If he developed the habit of having multiple sexual partners during adolescence and early adulthood and links this sexual lifestyle to his masculine outlook, then committing to one woman becomes a serious challenge. Partners must intentionally make time for deep communication perhaps after sex, during devotion, regular getaways from the daily routine or simply sharing chores such as cooking. The benefits of increased transparency and intimacy from a free and open communication action plan is a wise investment against infidelity," McGill advised.
Another problem men face, added Rev Johnson, may be that they have no accountability and no support system to prevent them from bowing to desires that are only human.
"It's always important to have accountability," Johnson said. "Each of us needs to have a kind of framework of accountability, of people with whom we can share our struggles and receive the kind of support that can help us. There is a general rule that you have to exercise restraint and self control."
He said that sometimes when men make mistakes, yield to temptation and then fall, it was all a test, an experience.
<span style="font-weight: bold">"Sometimes you don't know (the value of resisting temptation) until you go through certain things.</span> The key is acknowledgement that if they had nipped something in the bud, they would have been able to navigate through temptation. All of us sharing a common humanity are all vulnerable. We're all human, all flawed, all battle and struggle with all sorts... and we have to be aware, remain conscious and stay focused."
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