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Re: Marriage
True, true, true ...
But as someone said earlier, we are now living in different times.
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Twins' Parents More Likely to Go Two Ways?</span></span>
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Parents of twins and other multiples are more likely to end up divorced, broke and unemployed, according to a recent study. Multiple births have soared due to IVF and delayed parenthood, and Montclair and the neighboring towns are rife with families with twins or triplets.
Of 18,500 families tracked, married couples were 17 percent more likely to divorce if they had twins or triplets, rather than single kids spaced out. Two in three multiple-birth families were worse off financially after their infants were born, compared with two in ten other parents. And nine months after giving birth, the cost of childcare was so prohibitive that mothers of twins or triplets were 20 percent less likely to return to work than those of single babies.
The study, conducted by the University of Birmingham in the UK, was commissioned by Tamba, the Twins and Multiple Births Association.
We asked for feedback from some local parents of multiples. Most were both surprised, yet not surprised, by the study, and almost all said they put aside date time with their spouses or alone time to recharge their marriages and to keep their sanity intact. Keeping the communication lines open, and therapy, also helped.
Here's what they said:
<span style="font-style: italic">Brian, dad of 3 in Glen Ridge:
"Best advice I ever got was, "Do not divorce in the first year. No matter what happens, just do not divorce in the first year." We've actually extended that each year afterward. At our twins' birthdays, my wife and I look at each other and agree to not divorce for another year. Or sometimes we have an intermediary draw up the agreement for us, if we're not speaking to each other at the time. Our twins are 5 now."
Jennifer, mom of 4-year-old twin girls:
"If your marriage (and you) can survive the first few years of your twins' lives, it can survive just about anything!"
Eva, mom of 20-month-old twins and a 4 year old:
"We laugh because when our oldest was a baby, we would say things like, "I just had him for two hours - I need a break!" or "I am sooo tired" at the end of the day, and we just had no idea. So it can be harder with twins, but I have to say - the idea of being a single mom with 3 kids is beyond exhausting.
We still make time to talk to each other and support one another, despite often being exhausted. And honestly, the fact that we both work outside the home and get a break from the kids on a daily basis makes us appreciate each other and the kids more, and helps relieve some of the financial stress."
Mom of twins who didn't want to be named:
"I can tell you that I am not at all surprised at the findings of the UK study. Becoming parents to twins threw my husband and I for the biggest loop of our lives. We took the stress and lack of sleep out on each other and it nearly broke us. Therapy helps a lot. So does spending money on date nights, even when you're broke and too exhausted to go out!"
Sheila, mom of 3 including twins:
"We had 3 kids in 20 months so we definitely were thrown in the deep end with parenting! Our relationship has been challenged by having all these kids at once but instead of leading to divorce it has had the opposite affect. We fight, no doubt about it. But we are also big communicators and the arguments that surely came up through the last 6 years we handled by talking in really straightforward ways about what we both were feeling and needed. And we went to couples therapy if we felt stuck."
Jennifer, mom of twins and an older child:
"While my husband and I have a solid marriage, are equally hands-on with the children and are both very lucky to have parents with great marriages, the stresses of balancing two full-time working parents with three young children as well as the finances, can be overwhelming on a good day, to say the least."
Parents of multiples, weigh in with your views! Tell us in comments how you're coping with stress and financial burdens, whether you've thought of throwing in that marital towel, or simply how you make sure your marriage, and family, stay intact.
(Thanks to Jennifer Hondru-Celestin for the photo of her 4-year-old daughters)
Posted by Bernadette Baum on March 25, 2010 11:00 AM
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Comments (3)
They should have these comments posted at IVF clinics. Maybe more people would consider adoption.
Author Profile Page jerseygurl | March 25, 2010 3:23 PM | Reply Vote up Vote down Rating: -2 (14 votes cast)
When my daughter was a year old I decided to have just one more, but had 2 at a time instead: proof that even when you plan there are surprises in life. While I truly loved every minute of parenting, my previous husband did not. I have since remarried, added one more child to the bunch. This life is not for everyone, but a good relationship makes moments all that much sweeter, even the sleepless nights and seasonal colds.
I would not say that (healthy) twins are harder or even more expensive than 2 singletons, just different. Through my children I have learned how to slow down, stretch a dollar, and creatively enjoy everyday. One small key to my happiness has been 8pm bedtime and a lovely bear of a husband=)
(And ask me this question again in 5 years)
A mom of a 4, ages 6, 10, 10, and 12
Author Profile Page eniron1051 | March 25, 2010 3:48 PM | Reply Vote up Vote down Rating: 6 (6 votes cast)
gosh you are harsh JG. I hope when your time comes, you will have no need for an IVF clinic and/or the cheap, *****y comments of other's who would judge you for it.</span>
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Jazz</div><div class="ubbcode-body">It is heartwarming and beautiful... LOve dat!
We celebrated my parents 60th Anniversary last year and that really brought tears to my eyes...
There is so much we can learn from the older generation about compromise and friendship. </div></div>
True, true, true ...
But as someone said earlier, we are now living in different times.
<span style="font-size: 17pt">
<span style="font-weight: bold">
Twins' Parents More Likely to Go Two Ways?</span></span>
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Parents of twins and other multiples are more likely to end up divorced, broke and unemployed, according to a recent study. Multiple births have soared due to IVF and delayed parenthood, and Montclair and the neighboring towns are rife with families with twins or triplets.
Of 18,500 families tracked, married couples were 17 percent more likely to divorce if they had twins or triplets, rather than single kids spaced out. Two in three multiple-birth families were worse off financially after their infants were born, compared with two in ten other parents. And nine months after giving birth, the cost of childcare was so prohibitive that mothers of twins or triplets were 20 percent less likely to return to work than those of single babies.
The study, conducted by the University of Birmingham in the UK, was commissioned by Tamba, the Twins and Multiple Births Association.
We asked for feedback from some local parents of multiples. Most were both surprised, yet not surprised, by the study, and almost all said they put aside date time with their spouses or alone time to recharge their marriages and to keep their sanity intact. Keeping the communication lines open, and therapy, also helped.
Here's what they said:
<span style="font-style: italic">Brian, dad of 3 in Glen Ridge:
"Best advice I ever got was, "Do not divorce in the first year. No matter what happens, just do not divorce in the first year." We've actually extended that each year afterward. At our twins' birthdays, my wife and I look at each other and agree to not divorce for another year. Or sometimes we have an intermediary draw up the agreement for us, if we're not speaking to each other at the time. Our twins are 5 now."
Jennifer, mom of 4-year-old twin girls:
"If your marriage (and you) can survive the first few years of your twins' lives, it can survive just about anything!"
Eva, mom of 20-month-old twins and a 4 year old:
"We laugh because when our oldest was a baby, we would say things like, "I just had him for two hours - I need a break!" or "I am sooo tired" at the end of the day, and we just had no idea. So it can be harder with twins, but I have to say - the idea of being a single mom with 3 kids is beyond exhausting.
We still make time to talk to each other and support one another, despite often being exhausted. And honestly, the fact that we both work outside the home and get a break from the kids on a daily basis makes us appreciate each other and the kids more, and helps relieve some of the financial stress."
Mom of twins who didn't want to be named:
"I can tell you that I am not at all surprised at the findings of the UK study. Becoming parents to twins threw my husband and I for the biggest loop of our lives. We took the stress and lack of sleep out on each other and it nearly broke us. Therapy helps a lot. So does spending money on date nights, even when you're broke and too exhausted to go out!"
Sheila, mom of 3 including twins:
"We had 3 kids in 20 months so we definitely were thrown in the deep end with parenting! Our relationship has been challenged by having all these kids at once but instead of leading to divorce it has had the opposite affect. We fight, no doubt about it. But we are also big communicators and the arguments that surely came up through the last 6 years we handled by talking in really straightforward ways about what we both were feeling and needed. And we went to couples therapy if we felt stuck."
Jennifer, mom of twins and an older child:
"While my husband and I have a solid marriage, are equally hands-on with the children and are both very lucky to have parents with great marriages, the stresses of balancing two full-time working parents with three young children as well as the finances, can be overwhelming on a good day, to say the least."
Parents of multiples, weigh in with your views! Tell us in comments how you're coping with stress and financial burdens, whether you've thought of throwing in that marital towel, or simply how you make sure your marriage, and family, stay intact.
(Thanks to Jennifer Hondru-Celestin for the photo of her 4-year-old daughters)
Posted by Bernadette Baum on March 25, 2010 11:00 AM
Share: Digg this!Digg Add to delicious!Delicious Add to Stumble Upon!StumbleUpon Add to Facebook!Facebook Tweet this!Twitter ShareThis Email this entryEmail
Comments (3)
They should have these comments posted at IVF clinics. Maybe more people would consider adoption.
Author Profile Page jerseygurl | March 25, 2010 3:23 PM | Reply Vote up Vote down Rating: -2 (14 votes cast)
When my daughter was a year old I decided to have just one more, but had 2 at a time instead: proof that even when you plan there are surprises in life. While I truly loved every minute of parenting, my previous husband did not. I have since remarried, added one more child to the bunch. This life is not for everyone, but a good relationship makes moments all that much sweeter, even the sleepless nights and seasonal colds.
I would not say that (healthy) twins are harder or even more expensive than 2 singletons, just different. Through my children I have learned how to slow down, stretch a dollar, and creatively enjoy everyday. One small key to my happiness has been 8pm bedtime and a lovely bear of a husband=)
(And ask me this question again in 5 years)
A mom of a 4, ages 6, 10, 10, and 12
Author Profile Page eniron1051 | March 25, 2010 3:48 PM | Reply Vote up Vote down Rating: 6 (6 votes cast)
gosh you are harsh JG. I hope when your time comes, you will have no need for an IVF clinic and/or the cheap, *****y comments of other's who would judge you for it.</span>
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Jazz</div><div class="ubbcode-body">It is heartwarming and beautiful... LOve dat!
We celebrated my parents 60th Anniversary last year and that really brought tears to my eyes...
There is so much we can learn from the older generation about compromise and friendship. </div></div>
Comment