Question for the sisterhood

[skins]

Ladies have you ever been in a controlling relationship ? if you have
when you finally break free how much of the dynamics of that
relationship do you (inadvertently) take into the next relationship ?

Here is why I am asking. My friend has found what he think is
the woman of his dreams, she is in a very controlling relationship,
and is trying to get out of it. My friend posed this question to me yesterday.

Since abused people quite often become abusers how much of what she is being
subjected to do I think that she will bring their relationship.

[Suesumba]

Re: Question for the sisterhood

well it's a mindset that leads one to stay in a controlling relationship. it's hard to come to terms with another who has a less intense style of relating.

[Hush Darlin]

Re: Question for the sisterhood

its not everyone who has been in an abusive relationship will bring the abuse to another relationship

[skins]

Re: Question for the sisterhood

Are you saying that you cant relate to her ?
Or that she will have a hard time relating to
a new less intense guy ?

[Suesumba]

Re: Question for the sisterhood

i've always dealt with controlling men (not necessarily abusive) but men who tell me what to do. in fact i just made a post that seems to have disappeared.

now the controlling ones were always passionate relationships, this new guy i'm seeing, he's nice to the point where he'll do a u turn in traffic to help some guy with car problems, i feel nada, zilch for him. in fact i find myself trying to drive him away.

i feel absolutely zero for him. nothing. he's good looking, always looking out for me, will buy me anything, all dem ting deh woman always a look. but i find my heart aching for the old ballbuster mi did deh wid. we understood each other.

mr. nice guy will say "i love you" and i'm like ~~~ yawn ~~~ i know. see what i'm saying is we learn those behaviours and they're hard to break.

[ReggaeGirl2000]

Re: Question for the sisterhood

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: 'skine</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Ladies have you ever been in a controlling relationship ? if you have
when you finally break free how much of the dynamics of that
relationship do you (inadvertently) take into the next relationship ? No, and mi VERY grateful for dat [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/smile.gif[/img]

Here is why I am asking. My friend has found what he think is
the woman of his dreams, she is in a very controlling relationship,
and is trying to get out of it. My friend posed this question to me yesterday.

Since abused people quite often become abusers how much of what she is being
subjected to do I think that she will bring their relationship.
</div></div>

[skins]

Re: Question for the sisterhood

Just for the sake of discussion I am going to assume that you are serious. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/704555_dwl.gif[/img]
What if Mr controlling was also Mr dull.
And Mas. Nice was Mr. passionate.

[Suesumba]

Re: Question for the sisterhood

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: 'skine</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> Just for the sake of discussion I am going to assume that you are serious. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/704555_dwl.gif[/img]
What if Mr controlling was also Mr dull.
And Mas. Nice was Mr. passionate. </div></div>

i am serious skine. if mr. controlling was dull i'd probably have the same attitude i'm having for mr. nice right now. mr. nice is like "honey, i'm coming over, i almost had an accident turning into the flower shop. when i reach we'll cook together, and then go for a walk"

[img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/tired.gif[/img] mr. nice just like to kuddle, hug, hold hands [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/rolleyes.gif[/img] mr. controlling would be like "get up outta di baid and make me some lamb chops" [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70377-loveeyes.gif[/img]

old habits are hard to break so your friend might have a hard time dealing with someone opposite to what she's used to.

[skins]

Re: Question for the sisterhood

Ok! Food for thought.
He could get messed up even though
it may not be her intent

[Suesumba]

Re: Question for the sisterhood

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: 'skine</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Ok! Food for thought.
He could get messed up even though
it may not be her intent </div></div>

she needs to re-learn her relationship skills sez me who really needs a keener examination of my own as well.

[Boopie2]

Re: Question for the sisterhood

Sue does have a point, one of my girlfriend"s boyfriend was very controlling as well as abusive she ended up marrying him . After years and years of an abusive marriage she got out of it. You would have thought she would try and pick someone quiet if she wanted to be in a relationship period.

She ended up marrying a guy that was worst than the first husband. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/eek2.gif[/img] She was used to drama and didn't think she deserved better I guess. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/dizzy.gif[/img]

[Nunya]

Re: Question for the sisterhood

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: 'skine</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> Since abused people quite often become abusers how much of what she is being
subjected to do I think that she will bring their relationship.
</div></div>

I have never been in a controlling relationship (I am way to strong willed and stubborn for that that [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/blush.gif[/img])- but I was friends with someone who was in...several, actually... [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70402-thinking.gif[/img]

She would bleet to me about his latest antics and there'd be times when she'd actually try to stand up to him, but, like the writing on the wall, we both knew she'd go back eventually...

These relationships would end when the man chose to end it... Never her... and afterward she'd flip flop between 'a de bes ting whe eva happen' (the ending, that is) and 'lawd, im woah ansa mi call dem, mi email dem, or de rock whe mi fling chroo im winda wid de messidge wrap roun ie'...

And she never really got over these relationships until she was in another of its kind...

She would tell me something similar to what sue said, that other men 'bored' her. She liked a man to 'act like a man' [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/smirk.gif[/img] ... her definition was skewered yes, but yuh si whe mi a say...

If your friend is not a controlling man, he will have a difficult time, relating to a woman who is coming out of a long-term controlling relationship. It's what she's been used to for so long, it will be difficult for her to just flip the switch and be entranced by a man who treats her as an equal...

Eventually she will start to push his buttons, just to get the reactions she'd been used to getting from the other man..., yuh si whe mi a say???

In my opinion, a woman (or man) who wants to break free from this cycle, should spend time, at the end of such a relationship, on their own... they need to re-discover who they are, or they need to re-invent themself. This will take time.

Only after they've been 'cleansed' so to speak, should they be looking to enter another relationship. During this period of 'aloneness' they will hopefully, have gotten rid of the baggage that one carries from that kinda controlling situation.

So I'd advise your friend to not go there right now. He'd be doing them both a favour.

[skins]

Re: Question for the sisterhood

Well said.
Since he is the one that posed the question to me,
he is at least thinking of the possibility. will
see how it plays out.

[swedishrasta]

Re: Question for the sisterhood

[img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70409-waytogo.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70409-waytogo.gif[/img]