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In the Asian community they are sometimes called bananas.
Is it just innocent color-blind love, or Asian evasion?
What do you mean by ‘dated?’” asks my friend Claire,* a Korean American graduate student who is living with her boyfriend, who is white, when I ask her one night over drinks if she has ever dated an Asian guy.
“You know, something more than a couple of dates,” I explain. “It doesn’t have to have been a boyfriend, but someone you at least went out with for a while.”
Claire pauses and takes a thoughtful sip of her gin and tonic while I look at her expectantly.
“Well, there was this one guy,” she begins, launching into a story about a Korean American guy she had known at one time, who was good-looking, they were friends and hung out all the time.
“So did you ever go out with him?” I cut in.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know. It would’ve been weird,” she says, looking uncomfortable. When I press her for details, she squirms, looks away, takes another sip of her drink, sighs and finally takes a stab at an explanation.
“I grew up in a really WASP-y environment,” she explains. “My parents [who are Korean] sent me to boarding school in Connecticut, where everybody was white. I thought if I dated a Korean guy, I would have to marry him, that I just couldn’t mess around and have fun.”
“But with white guys, you felt like you could just hook up and have a good time and not let it be anything serious?” I asked. “Exactly,” she said, looking relieved that I seemed to understand.
But I didn’t really understand. There seemed to be something deeper going on, something to do with her having grown up in an all white environment, but I didn’t want to push it. We were getting into issues of race, sexuality, self-image, attraction, and it was touchy territory.
Poll Position
By now, I don’t need to state the obvious: we Asian women marry outside our race at far greater rates than any other racial group, the most frequent being the Asian female/white male combination. Maybe it was the potential of feeling like a mere statistic or walking cliché that prompted me a few years ago to take stock of my dating history. Bracing myself, I realized that I had pretty much dated the rainbow, with the glaring exception of Asian men (only a few dates over the years) and the notable over-representation of white men.
Admitting the above, I know, does not endear me to my Asian brothers. I still remember the expression on my Chinese American friend John’s face when I told him a few years ago that I had begun dating someone. “Is he Asian?” asked John, looking at me hopefully. I had to answer truthfully “no” as I watched John’s face fall.
Exactly how many other women are out there like me is unclear. None of the psychologists and sociologists I spoke with was aware of a study that measured the percentage of AA women, and men, who have never dated another Asian. “Let me know if you do come across any research on that,” each of the experts told me. If there is such a study, it’s probably buried in a graduate school thesis somewhere that has yet to see the light of day.
My own highly unscientific study — namely, empirical observations and talking to friends, acquaintances, colleagues and people at parties — indicates that I am not alone. Far from it. Besides my friend Claire, I know several other AA women who have never dated another Asian, and in the course of writing this article, I met more — including a surprising number of men. Almost everyone I talked to, Asian and non-Asian said, “Oh, I know someone like that” or “I know someone you should talk to” when I told them the subject of my article.
“I’m Just Not Attracted to Asians”
I hear lots of different reasons from AAs for why they haven’t dated other Asians. “I’m just not attracted to Asian guys,” says Reesa, a 32-year-old Filipino American who lives in Northern California. “I don’t know why. I just never have been. I’ve just always dated white or European guys.”
Tina, a 31-year-old Chinese American who grew up in an ethnically mixed community in Texas, dated Asians in high school, but stopped when she got to college. “The Asian guys are either too traditional and expect an Asian girl who is more obedient, subservient and domesticated. Or at the other extreme, they are too Americanized and have lost their cultural values and are superficial and materialistic.”
She laments that it’s hard to find an Asian guy who is “truly bicultural” like her, i.e., very Americanized, but still valuing her Chinese heritage. “Asian guys can’t deal with a woman who is independent,” she says. “They want a woman who will take care of them and cook and clean for them. I still see that in Asian couples, where the girl does the domestic chores.”
Lately, Tina has been dating Jewish men, a growing trend, at least in New York City. “I know of a lot of Jewish guy/Asian girl couples,” Tina says. “And it makes sense because our cultures share a lot of the same upbringing and family values.”
“I’ve never been attracted to Asian women,” says Tony, 33, a Japanese American who grew up in an all white environment near Philadelphia. “My type is a blonde-haired girl,” he says. “Blondes have caught my eye for some reason.”
Kelly, a Korean American in her mid-30s who grew up in Los Angeles, prefers dating non-Asian men because she feels less inhibited around them. “With Asian guys, I feel like I have to be super feminine and docile. I feel like I can’t be as sexually free as I can with non-Asian guys.”
“Asian guys don’t ask me out,” says Sara, a Korean American in her late 20s. “When I’m out [at night at a bar], I’ll see Asian guys looking at me, but they won’t come over. They’ll just stare from across the room. I always get hit on by white guys.”
Why Does it Matter?
On paper, Dave is every Asian mother’s dream for their daughter: a physician, educated at the most elite institutions in the country, Korean American, handsome, fit and still single at 34. Except for one thing. Dave doesn’t date Asian women. He has only dated white women. When I ask him about it, he’s genuinely perplexed. “I don’t get it,” he says, about finding it “inherently suspicious” that someone has not dated within his or her own race. “It seems overly critical and not really necessary. There is all this hand wringing that two-culture people have about their identity. They question, ‘Is there something wrong with me?’ ‘Are you a traitor to your race?’ Because there would be no question if you only dated Asians.”
True. Asians dating Asians does not draw the scrutiny, or even interest, that Asians exclusively dating whites does. It seems natural and expected that if you’re Asian, you’ll date another Asian. (I realize there are huge differences between the Asian ethnicities — including dating patterns and even stereotypes that we hold about each other — but that’s a whole other article.)
“What does it matter what race the person is that you’re with?” asks my best friend, Gina, an Italian American who subscribes to the “people are people” school of thought. “As long as you care about each other, that’s all that should matter.”
I couldn’t agree with her more. People should feel free to date whomever they want. It’s hard enough finding someone you’re compatible with, so it seems silly to artificially narrow your dating choices to a racial group or ethnicity.
But it still strikes me as odd that Dave has never gone out with an Asian woman, despite having grown up in Los Angeles and professing to being “open to dating whomever.” And what about AA women like Claire and me? Why did we feel a vague sense of embarrassment that we had never really dated an Asian man, as if it somehow communicated something, probably negative, about us? Maybe it doesn’t mean anything, but surely the situations merit some analysis.
Analyze This
“Why a relatively high proportion of many Asian Americans intermarry and with whom they intermarry are sociologically important and interesting questions,” Sara S. Lee, Ph.D., assistant professor of sociology at Kent State University, writes to me in a recent email. “However, I do not think it is odd for an Asian American in the United States to have never dated another Asian or to marry a non-Asian (i.e., white) person.”
Lee points to factors such as population size, socioeconomic status and proximity. Given that Asian Americans comprise a mere 4.3 percent of the total U.S. population, it’s not surprising we would intermarry. Studies also show that the higher the level of education and occupation, the more likely for an AA to intermarry. “If Asian Americans live, attend schools and/or work mostly among white Americans, chances are, they will most likely marry white Americans,” writes Lee.
Those are Dave’s reasons for never having dated an Asian woman, despite having lived in Los Angeles and currently living in San Francisco — both cities with large populations of Asians. “Being Asian American and professional, we move among whites and we’re able to navigate through those worlds. It’s socioeconomic. We’re always surrounded by whites.
More: https://web.archive.org/web/20070329...Features03.asp
Asian Inferiority Complex, Self Hate, and White worship
-Why are White models and actors frequently used for ads in Asia?
-Why do so many Asian women get eye enlarging surgery, dye their hair blonde, and wear blue contacts?
-How come some Asian youth are ‘not attracted to Asians’?
-How come if you are Caucasian or an English-speaking Asian in Asia, you are treated better everywhere you go?
-How come some Asians get ashamed from being around ‘too many Asians’?
-Why didn’t more Asian-Americans STAND UP after ‘Vincent Chin’
-Why are White models and actors frequently used for ads in Asia?
-Why do so many Asian women get eye enlarging surgery, dye their hair blonde, and wear blue contacts?
-How come some Asian youth are ‘not attracted to Asians’?
-How come if you are Caucasian or an English-speaking Asian in Asia, you are treated better everywhere you go?
-How come some Asians get ashamed from being around ‘too many Asians’?
-Why didn’t more Asian-Americans STAND UP after ‘Vincent Chin’
| Dating Outside the Color Lines |
What do you mean by ‘dated?’” asks my friend Claire,* a Korean American graduate student who is living with her boyfriend, who is white, when I ask her one night over drinks if she has ever dated an Asian guy.
“You know, something more than a couple of dates,” I explain. “It doesn’t have to have been a boyfriend, but someone you at least went out with for a while.”
Claire pauses and takes a thoughtful sip of her gin and tonic while I look at her expectantly.
“Well, there was this one guy,” she begins, launching into a story about a Korean American guy she had known at one time, who was good-looking, they were friends and hung out all the time.
“So did you ever go out with him?” I cut in.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know. It would’ve been weird,” she says, looking uncomfortable. When I press her for details, she squirms, looks away, takes another sip of her drink, sighs and finally takes a stab at an explanation.
“I grew up in a really WASP-y environment,” she explains. “My parents [who are Korean] sent me to boarding school in Connecticut, where everybody was white. I thought if I dated a Korean guy, I would have to marry him, that I just couldn’t mess around and have fun.”
“But with white guys, you felt like you could just hook up and have a good time and not let it be anything serious?” I asked. “Exactly,” she said, looking relieved that I seemed to understand.
But I didn’t really understand. There seemed to be something deeper going on, something to do with her having grown up in an all white environment, but I didn’t want to push it. We were getting into issues of race, sexuality, self-image, attraction, and it was touchy territory.
Poll Position
By now, I don’t need to state the obvious: we Asian women marry outside our race at far greater rates than any other racial group, the most frequent being the Asian female/white male combination. Maybe it was the potential of feeling like a mere statistic or walking cliché that prompted me a few years ago to take stock of my dating history. Bracing myself, I realized that I had pretty much dated the rainbow, with the glaring exception of Asian men (only a few dates over the years) and the notable over-representation of white men.
Admitting the above, I know, does not endear me to my Asian brothers. I still remember the expression on my Chinese American friend John’s face when I told him a few years ago that I had begun dating someone. “Is he Asian?” asked John, looking at me hopefully. I had to answer truthfully “no” as I watched John’s face fall.
Exactly how many other women are out there like me is unclear. None of the psychologists and sociologists I spoke with was aware of a study that measured the percentage of AA women, and men, who have never dated another Asian. “Let me know if you do come across any research on that,” each of the experts told me. If there is such a study, it’s probably buried in a graduate school thesis somewhere that has yet to see the light of day.
My own highly unscientific study — namely, empirical observations and talking to friends, acquaintances, colleagues and people at parties — indicates that I am not alone. Far from it. Besides my friend Claire, I know several other AA women who have never dated another Asian, and in the course of writing this article, I met more — including a surprising number of men. Almost everyone I talked to, Asian and non-Asian said, “Oh, I know someone like that” or “I know someone you should talk to” when I told them the subject of my article.
“I’m Just Not Attracted to Asians”
I hear lots of different reasons from AAs for why they haven’t dated other Asians. “I’m just not attracted to Asian guys,” says Reesa, a 32-year-old Filipino American who lives in Northern California. “I don’t know why. I just never have been. I’ve just always dated white or European guys.”
Tina, a 31-year-old Chinese American who grew up in an ethnically mixed community in Texas, dated Asians in high school, but stopped when she got to college. “The Asian guys are either too traditional and expect an Asian girl who is more obedient, subservient and domesticated. Or at the other extreme, they are too Americanized and have lost their cultural values and are superficial and materialistic.”
She laments that it’s hard to find an Asian guy who is “truly bicultural” like her, i.e., very Americanized, but still valuing her Chinese heritage. “Asian guys can’t deal with a woman who is independent,” she says. “They want a woman who will take care of them and cook and clean for them. I still see that in Asian couples, where the girl does the domestic chores.”
Lately, Tina has been dating Jewish men, a growing trend, at least in New York City. “I know of a lot of Jewish guy/Asian girl couples,” Tina says. “And it makes sense because our cultures share a lot of the same upbringing and family values.”
“I’ve never been attracted to Asian women,” says Tony, 33, a Japanese American who grew up in an all white environment near Philadelphia. “My type is a blonde-haired girl,” he says. “Blondes have caught my eye for some reason.”
Kelly, a Korean American in her mid-30s who grew up in Los Angeles, prefers dating non-Asian men because she feels less inhibited around them. “With Asian guys, I feel like I have to be super feminine and docile. I feel like I can’t be as sexually free as I can with non-Asian guys.”
“Asian guys don’t ask me out,” says Sara, a Korean American in her late 20s. “When I’m out [at night at a bar], I’ll see Asian guys looking at me, but they won’t come over. They’ll just stare from across the room. I always get hit on by white guys.”
Why Does it Matter?
On paper, Dave is every Asian mother’s dream for their daughter: a physician, educated at the most elite institutions in the country, Korean American, handsome, fit and still single at 34. Except for one thing. Dave doesn’t date Asian women. He has only dated white women. When I ask him about it, he’s genuinely perplexed. “I don’t get it,” he says, about finding it “inherently suspicious” that someone has not dated within his or her own race. “It seems overly critical and not really necessary. There is all this hand wringing that two-culture people have about their identity. They question, ‘Is there something wrong with me?’ ‘Are you a traitor to your race?’ Because there would be no question if you only dated Asians.”
True. Asians dating Asians does not draw the scrutiny, or even interest, that Asians exclusively dating whites does. It seems natural and expected that if you’re Asian, you’ll date another Asian. (I realize there are huge differences between the Asian ethnicities — including dating patterns and even stereotypes that we hold about each other — but that’s a whole other article.)
“What does it matter what race the person is that you’re with?” asks my best friend, Gina, an Italian American who subscribes to the “people are people” school of thought. “As long as you care about each other, that’s all that should matter.”
I couldn’t agree with her more. People should feel free to date whomever they want. It’s hard enough finding someone you’re compatible with, so it seems silly to artificially narrow your dating choices to a racial group or ethnicity.
But it still strikes me as odd that Dave has never gone out with an Asian woman, despite having grown up in Los Angeles and professing to being “open to dating whomever.” And what about AA women like Claire and me? Why did we feel a vague sense of embarrassment that we had never really dated an Asian man, as if it somehow communicated something, probably negative, about us? Maybe it doesn’t mean anything, but surely the situations merit some analysis.
Analyze This
“Why a relatively high proportion of many Asian Americans intermarry and with whom they intermarry are sociologically important and interesting questions,” Sara S. Lee, Ph.D., assistant professor of sociology at Kent State University, writes to me in a recent email. “However, I do not think it is odd for an Asian American in the United States to have never dated another Asian or to marry a non-Asian (i.e., white) person.”
Lee points to factors such as population size, socioeconomic status and proximity. Given that Asian Americans comprise a mere 4.3 percent of the total U.S. population, it’s not surprising we would intermarry. Studies also show that the higher the level of education and occupation, the more likely for an AA to intermarry. “If Asian Americans live, attend schools and/or work mostly among white Americans, chances are, they will most likely marry white Americans,” writes Lee.
Those are Dave’s reasons for never having dated an Asian woman, despite having lived in Los Angeles and currently living in San Francisco — both cities with large populations of Asians. “Being Asian American and professional, we move among whites and we’re able to navigate through those worlds. It’s socioeconomic. We’re always surrounded by whites.
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