what words.....

[neutral]

do you use to comfort someone who has an incurable disease and the inevitable outcome is death..?

what words can you say to someone who desperately wants to live but know that their situation looks bleak and is scared,...what can a person like myself who doesnt believe in a god say to someone like this,....are there any words of a spiritual nature that I can use to reassure the person.

I would like to hear from believers and non believers,......how does a non believer like myself give a believer words of assurance without relying on the tried and tested "god knows best" and all the other cliched stuff...?

[Compry]

Re: what words.....

Newtral, I would recommend you just being there for your friend. Talk about things that you did in the past that brought joy. Let your friend know that you are there if he or she needs you.

I gather your friend is a believer. You can encourage your friend to remember that what seems impossible to man is possible with God. Just keeping hope will do a world of good.

I know of a case where a young man was given one week to live. Believers prayed and 3 years later he is still alive. Miracles do happen.

[Diplomat]

Re: what words.....

First of all I feel your pain as I know someone in a similar situation, except in this case, she's a believer. It really is a difficult spot for any friend to be in, and as you're finding out, it is not always easy to know what to say. You ask for words of a "spiritual nature", but as an unbeliever, you really wouldn't be saying those words with any conviction so I wouldn't suggest going down that path at all. I would imagine that if your friend is a believer, s/he has support in place that can encourage/reassure in that area.

So what can the unbeliever do/say? The thing to remember is that without your friend saying what's on his/her mind, you have no way of knowing for sure. Your best best is to talk about whatever s/he wants to talk about the times you're talking together. If s/he is scared, you may want to talk about those fears to the extent you are comfortable doing so. Does the person know you're not a believer? If so, they are not expecting you to provide spiritual reaffirmations but it doesn't mean you cannot encourage him/her to draw strength and faith from the beliefs they embrace.

Don't lose sight of the fact that this isn't about you (and I don't mean that in a negative way). It's about you being there for someone you obviously care about, and a part of that is trying to see things through their eyes. You won't be able to relate to everything, but you're not expected to. Let them lead the discussions, and if there are times you really don't know what to say, a hug or an arm around the shoulder works too.

Thoughts and prayers for you and your friend.

[neutral]

Re: what words.....

Thanks both of you for your words,...Cew,he does say whats on his mind,he has said to me that there`s no one to talk to the way he can talk to me,he hasnt got a network of family or friends to lean on,...(long story)...its not a friend its my brother,unfortunately our conversations are conducted on the phone as he`s in Jamaica.

Sometimes I really dont know what to say to comfort him,as I get the impression he`s very very scared,he`s only a year older than me,I do wish I could be there to put my arm around his shoulders,his condition is getting worse and even though I do plan on going out shortly I am afraid it will probably be our last time together,......even though you are right about it not being about me I cant tell you how much I`m hurting as well.

[nattydreadgirl]

Re: what words.....

(((Newt and Brother)))

I pray that you get to spend some quality time with your brother. Your arm around his shoulder will offer great comfort I am positive of that, and it is such a wonderful support system to have you to talk to and share his feelings.

[Compry]

Re: what words.....

((((Newtral)))), I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I can only imagine what you are feeling right now.

I know you're not a believer but do know this, I will be praying for you, your brother and your family.

[neutral]

Re: what words.....

Thanks nattydreadgirl,....compray,I dont mind telling you I hope those prayers really do work,....thanks for your compassion.

[Shine_Eye_Girl]

Re: what words.....

Newtral I am so sorry to hear about your brother

I hope you can get out there soon to go and see him....I can't imagine the pain you're feeling right now. I will say a prayer for you and your family...

[Yvonne N.]

Re: what words.....

Try to help him enjoy each moment he has via your phone calls and when you make your visit.
Whenever you talk, reminisce about your childhood days...and share thoughts about the present time.
His death will not matter to him ...only to those he will be leaving...so encourage him to enjoy every moment he has.
Share jokes.
Share serious thoughts.
Share secrets.
Let him know how much you care about him; that's what he wants to hear..that he will be missed.
The journey is inevitable so just reassure him of your love for him.

[neutral]

Re: what words.....

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Shandra</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Try to help him enjoy each moment he has via your phone calls and when you make your visit.
Whenever you talk, reminisce about your childhood days...and share thoughts about the present time.
His death will not matter to him ...only to those he will be leaving...so encourage him to enjoy every moment he has.
Share jokes.
Share serious thoughts.
Share secrets.
Let him know how much you care about him; that's what he wants to hear..that he will be missed.
The journey is inevitable so just reassure him of your love for him.


</div></div>

this really helps,..thanks shandra.

[neutral]

Re: what words.....

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: TLC_Is_Sick</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Newtral I am so sorry to hear about your brother

I hope you can get out there soon to go and see him....I can't imagine the pain you're feeling right now. I will say a prayer for you and your family... </div></div>


You know,I hope those prayers do work after all,but being an unbeliever as I am I really dont hold out much hope but as CEw said its not about me,..thanks TLC.

[churchgirl]

Re: what words.....

((((Newt and bro))). I think CEW and Shandra said it best. I can't imagine the pain, frustration and anger you both must be feeling. I, too, will be praying.

[mountaingal]

Re: what words.....

it may help to listen and not say much, and let the person talk about their fears. if your brother knows that you're an unbeliever, then he may not expect you to be saying things believers would say.

at some point the person accepts the fact of dying, and it becomes a matter of living as best one can until death. happened with both my cousin and my aunt, both close to me. comfort became a matter of talking with them about their treatment, of supporting them financially or by going with them to appointments, little excursions that can take their mind off their illness. my cousin was in jamaica, my mother and i made a point of taking a trip down to visit her, keep her company, take her to the beach, listen as she talked of things that all of knew without saying would not happen because of the time involved. she died a few months after our visit.

if your brother has cancer, or a disease that will involve a lot of pain near the end, then the most meaningful comfort will come before they reach that point.

my thoughts are with you, newtral.

[Compry]

Re: what words.....

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: MGee</div><div class="ubbcode-body">it may help to listen and not say much, and let the person talk about their fears. if your brother knows that you're an unbeliever, then he may not expect you to be saying things believers would say.

at some point the person accepts the fact of dying, and it becomes a matter of living as best one can until death. happened with both my cousin and my aunt, both close to me. comfort became a matter of talking with them about their treatment, of supporting them financially or by going with them to appointments, little excursions that can take their mind off their illness. my cousin was in jamaica, my mother and i made a point of taking a trip down to visit her, keep her company, take her to the beach, listen as she talked of things that all of knew without saying would not happen because of the time involved. she died a few months after our visit.

if your brother has cancer, or a disease that will involve a lot of pain near the end, then the most meaningful comfort will come before they reach that point.

my thoughts are with you, newtral.

</div></div>

[Diplomat]

Re: what words.....

Ah, that it is your brother - and the closeness of the relationship you both seem to share - make the situation a lot more emotional. It is great that you are there for him in the ways that you already have, and I'm sure, will continue to be.

I echo MGee sentiments; beautifully put and reflective of the ways support can be provided regardless of religious beliefs (or lack thereof).

As for the prayers we're sending up, it is not so much about hope as it is about comfort and God's will being done in the situation. Whether or not you believe they are effective isn't the issue. Your brother does, and at a time when he is facing understandable fears, they probably mean a lot more to him that you could ever imagine.

Stay strong, and be encouraged by the fact that you and your family are wrapped in lots of positive thoughts, good vibes, and our prayers.