Young Christians and marriage

[Mutty]

When I was 18, a common problem in the church and other like churches was that many young people still in High School or college we into deep relationships. Considering the church frowned heavily on "fornication" and that it was "better to marry than to burn," many young people were subtly forced into marriages at very young ages. If you were dating for more than a year, suspicions arose that you were "getting some" on the down low and it was not uncommon to hear "when are you all getting married?" Even worse was if you had a younger sibling who was already married.

On top of this, you had outbreaks of marriages as young people tried to imitate one another, trying to keep up with their friends and not realizing how serious the matter was they were getting into.

There were "saints" who, because of painful experience, sometimes encouraged the younger folks not to rush into marriage, but then there was the problem of raging hormones. It was not easy telling 18, 20, 23 year olds to "wait on the Lord" while also suggesting masturbation was a sin.

Many of these folks are now 30 and older, some already 10 years into marriage and they are either at a point where they are finally relaxed in their marriages OR only now realizing they made a horrible mistake as they realize they are NOW gorwn up and were not as grown and mature as they thought they were at 20, however, said church believe that divorce for any other reason than infidelity is a sin so these people suffer in silence, caught up in extramarital affairs while still very much a part of church life.

Another issue which was similar is that there are generally more women in church than men. With each generation there is a flock of young people with age discrepancies. In the days before I began attending, many of the girls were older than the guys by 10, 15 years. At 30, many of the women did not look a day past 20 and they were marrying 20 year old men (boys in some respects) who were walking erections. Fast forward 15 years, things change as the 35 year old man is now looking at 20 year old girls and his 45 year old wife is killing herself trying to keep up looking like she is still 30 while mother nature is slapping her around. This is not exclusive to church of course, but more troubling I think.

Anyone grew up in or attend churches experiencing these kinds of problems?

[Pepper]

Re: Young Christians and marriage

At my home church, we had a different phenomenon.

At the time I didn't fully realize what was happening, but now that I am older, and wiser(?) [img]/forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] I can see it clearly. We had several people that had arranged marriages.

Women in their late 30's would get set up with a member's relative or friend. The male relative was either in Jamaica or a new arrival. The relative was always billed as a good solid christian man.

Now how many years later, most of those marriages have dissolved. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img] Prior to obtaining the green card, most of the men were solid church members. Once the precious card was received, the relationships changed. Some became abusive, some stopped coming to church, and some were no longer attentive to their wives.

But now that I am typing this post, I cannot recall one of these men running off after they got their cards. They all stayed with their wives in misearable relationships or at least stayed around until the wife filed for divorce. Maybe that had something to do with respect for their relative.

But otherwise, in my church they never rushed the young adults into marriage. We were watched closely, and always in counseling sessions. But they always told us not to rush into anything. Maybe they wanted all the young ladies to reach late 30's so they could set them up with their nephew back home. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/704555_dwl.gif[/img]

[Tropicana]

Re: Young Christians and marriage

Anyone grew up in or attend churches experiencing these kinds of problems?

Unfortunatley, I never had that problem. Trust me, if I had it to do all over again, I would have gone home after my first degree and headed for the nearest church.

One of my White friends did marry at about 18. Apparently the guy put her through hell. She ended up splitting up with her husband around the same time I split up with mine. Go figure.

Her "wait on the Lord" older sister who spent years on the mission field and didn't marry until she was in her late 30s/ early 40s, is blissfully married. She and her husband (who is also White) adopted two children of mixed race (Black/White). I attended the 50th wedding anniversary of the parents who have since relocated to Stratford, Ontario. They gave me the low down and I met the older sister and her family. My friend is financially strapped and could not afford to travel from BC to Ontario for the anniversay celebrations. Sad but true [img]/forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

Fast forward 15 years, things change as the 35 year old man is now looking at 20 year old girls and his 45 year old wife is killing herself trying to keep up looking like she is still 30 while mother nature is slapping her around. This is not exclusive to church of course, but more troubling I think.

Same thing happens to divorcees.

[Tropicana]

Re: Young Christians and marriage

BTW, the movie Mona Lisa Smile explores some of these issues, although not from a church perspective.

[chazproductions]

Re: Young Christians and marriage

I totally understand Mutty. They did do that in the church I went to. Tis, Sad, but true. I know some girls who got married early only to have abusive husbands or husbands who abused drugs on the DL or husbands they fell out of love with because they have come to realize they never knew each other. We need to learn we don't need a man or woman to make us whole. We have to be whole/complete on our own and then that person will enrich our lives and we theirs.

[Tropicana]

Re: Young Christians and marriage

We need to learn we don't need a man or woman to make us whole. We have to be whole/complete on our own and then that person will enrich our lives and we theirs.

I think that this is flawed thinking. People weren't meant to be alone.

[Diplomat]

Re: Young Christians and marriage

Originally posted by Tropicana:

We need to learn we don't need a man or woman to make us whole. We have to be whole/complete on our own and then that person will enrich our lives and we theirs.

I think that this is flawed thinking. People weren't meant to be alone.

That wasn't what she was saying. As a matter of fact, I totally agree with her in that we have to be whole within ourselves first, and when that special someone comes into our lives, they are not completing us, but complementing us instead.

[sistagirl]

Re: Young Christians and marriage

I agree CEW...and learned this through experience.

[Ephratahe]

Re: Young Christians and marriage

I agree with you CEW. Sometimes most of us, male or female, spend so much time looking for Mr./Ms. Right and neglect our spiritual duties as a child of God. You do need to be whole prior to establishing a permanent relationship. If not, then you risk becoming codependent in a relationship, and ultimately that spouse will become a demi-god in your life. Human beings can become idols too you know.

If you consider yourself to be a child of God and you are currently telling yourself that you know all you need to know re: relationships, then you might want to check yourself, because you just might not be ready to enter that permanent relationship as you think, or if you do enter the relationship, it might be heading to absolute ruin.

In my church I've seen a few older members who are currently miserable because they got married at a very young age. In fact, I've witnessed a church member at a church I used to attend divorce his wife of how many years just so he could marry someone else whom he was seeing prior to the divorce. The pastor okayed the marriage by arguing that nothing was wrong with the situation. Needless to say that I was more than a bit concerned. My position is, however, that age does not necessarily affect wisdom (i.e. the older one gets does not necessarily mean that they are also becoming wiser). I think that any individual that is leading a life that is wholly and completely consecrated unto the Lord, and who is able to discern what is that good and perfect will of the Lord, will know when they have met the right person. If the Lord is in the midst of the union, I don't believe that it will feel forced or uncomfortable - it should feel somewhat natural.

One other thing I've noticed is that many individuals who have been married in the past and who are now divorced tend to hold grudges where their exes are concerned. I don't believe you can enter a new relationship (no matter what that previous individual has done to you, or how bad you think it is) with so much emotional baggage from a previous relationship and think that you will be fine. In fact, a situation where previous issues remain unresolved and one party is constantly putting down the other because of that so-called party's 'malicious ways', can mean a recipe for disaster. As Christians we should be able to look at our past, take whatever lessons we've learned from it, forgive the 'offending' party, and move on.

On another note, I believe Paul was single. Does this mean that he was incomplete or not whole? How about Stephen the martyr, or any of the other saints in the Bible? We must be careful that we don't make human companionship and relationships the real religions in our lives. Be blessed.

This is the Lord's doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.

[sistagirl]

Re: Young Christians and marriage

Wow, very insightful Ephra

[Mutty]

Re: Young Christians and marriage

In addition to all I have said before, I hinted at the fact the church (like others) prohibited divorce. Using their Bible as authority, married "saints" were basically told they are stuck with each other for life, regardless. Well there were a few interesting victims of this kind of thinking. One I remember well was a girl who had to run out of New York to Texas to escape her abusive husband who was once a deacon in the church (the abuse went on while he was still in the church). Some years later she returned to New York with a new man. She was well aware, as per church teaching, she could not have sex with this man, divorce her husband though no one knew where the man was and of course she could not marry this new man. This of course does not mean she and the man were not having relations, but this is what the church expected of her. They expected her to either pray about it and return to her husband or remain separated and of course have no sex with anyone else while she was separated.

One woman, believing God wanted her to return to her husband after many years went looking for him only to find out he was living with another woman and had kids with her.

In short, that church had some very miserable people.

[Guest]

Re: Young Christians and marriage

Awesome ephra.

We must be careful that we don't make human companionship and relationships the real religions in our lives.

Food for thought.

[Diplomat]

Re: Young Christians and marriage

Originally posted by Mutty - The return:
In addition to all I have said before, I hinted at the fact the church (like others) prohibited divorce. Using their Bible as authority, married "saints" were basically told they are stuck with each other for life, regardless. Well there were a few interesting victims of this kind of thinking. One I remember well was a girl who had to run out of New York to Texas to escape her abusive husband who was once a deacon in the church (the abuse went on while he was still in the church). Some years later she returned to New York with a new man. She was well aware, as per church teaching, she could not have sex with this man, divorce her husband though no one knew where the man was and of course she could not marry this new man. This of course does not mean she and the man were not having relations, but this is what the church expected of her. They expected her to either pray about it and return to her husband or remain separated and of course have no sex with anyone else while she was separated.

One woman, believing God wanted her to return to her husband after many years went looking for him only to find out he was living with another woman and had kids with her.

In short, that church had some very miserable people.

I hear you, but bear in mind that in Christian theology (and maybe other faiths), marriage [is a lifelong commitment. That is one of the reasons I totally agree with ephra's comments above. There are situations however in which it is wrong to counsel someone to remain in an absolutely bad marriage, and it is true that the Church - generally speaking - has not always acted wisely in some of these situations.

On the other hand, the Church cannot simply counsel people to leave their marriage because someone made a bad choice. The caution has always been that marriage is not something to be entered into lightly. Some people have had some very self-serving reasons for getting married, some had unrealistic expectations, some were too messed up, and others had no business getting married in the first place.

[Mutty]

Re: Young Christians and marriage

Originally posted by CEW:
[qb]

Originally posted by Mutty - The return:
In addition to all I have said before, I hinted at the fact the church (like others) prohibited divorce. Using their Bible as authority, married "saints" were basically told they are stuck with each other for life, regardless. Well there were a few interesting victims of this kind of thinking. One I remember well was a girl who had to run out of New York to Texas to escape her abusive husband who was once a deacon in the church (the abuse went on while he was still in the church). Some years later she returned to New York with a new man. She was well aware, as per church teaching, she could not have sex with this man, divorce her husband though no one knew where the man was and of course she could not marry this new man. This of course does not mean she and the man were not having relations, but this is what the church expected of her. They expected her to either pray about it and return to her husband or remain separated and of course have no sex with anyone else while she was separated.
One woman, believing God wanted her to return to her husband after many years went looking for him only to find out he was living with another woman and had kids with her.
In short, that church had some very miserable people.

I hear you, but bear in mind that in Christian theology (and maybe other faiths), marriage [is a lifelong commitment. That is one of the reasons I totally agree with ephra's comments above. There are situations however in which it is wrong to counsel someone to remain in an absolutely bad marriage, and it is true that the Church - generally speaking - has not always acted wisely in some of these situations.
On the other hand, the Church cannot simply counsel people to leave their marriage because someone made a bad choice. The caution has always been that marriage is not something to be entered into lightly. Some people have had some very self-serving reasons for getting married, some had unrealistic expectations, some were too messed up, and others had no business getting married in the first place. [/qb]

And I hear you CEW and agree with Ephra also, however, maybe I'm being picky, but was this a contradiction in what you said:

"There are situations however in which it is wrong to counsel someone to remain in an absolutely bad marriage, and it is true that the Church - generally speaking - has not always acted wisely in some of these situations.
On the other hand, the Church cannot simply counsel people to leave their marriage because someone made a bad choice.


What if the bad choice places the parties involved in a bad marriage?

[Guest]

Re: Young Christians and marriage

Originally posted by Mutty - The return:
[qb]What if the bad choice places the parties involved in a bad marriage? [/qb]

The church should then ensure that the couple exhaust everything possible to fix the bad marriage. If it is beyond reconciliation then the couple should not be forced to stay in a situation that is negatively affecting their lives and possibly (if applicable) their children's lives.