Drawing the line and walking away - inspired by life & SistahD

[Guest]

Originally posted by SistahD:
... granted sometimes, through time or circumstances/situations some friendships can prove to be one-sided or unworthy, and one must learn where to draw the line or when to walk away from the unhealthy ones.

In a thread up the lane the lovely SistahD made this comment and she got me thinking.

When our friendships become one-sided, what is the best way of handling it? Do we simple cut our loses and walk away or should we try and figure with the next person why the friendship has become one-sided?

I'm really interested in reading your thoughts on this.

[SistahD]

Re: Drawing the line and walking away - inspired by life & SistahD

(((((Compry))))) great thread my friend!


I believe there is no real easy answer as each person + history + situation are different, therefore different responses/actions are required based on those relative factors.

That being said... example... when one 'friend' considers you to be of lesser value (ie self-importance)... cut them loose

When one friend does not respect your space, nor your right to privacy etc... cut them loose.

should we try and figure with the next person why the friendship has become one-sided?

No amount of reasoning with the other party will lead to resolution, or a worthwhile relationship.

If one has to continually 'explain' why the actions of words of another has affected or hurt them, then you must either draw the line (as to how much you allow them to continue within your life); if drawing the line isn't enough, then you definitely must cut them loose, as the offending party likely does not have the capability to understand nor respect what it means to sustain a quality relationship.


If the persons actions / comments have to be continually 'scrutinized' or justified by other factors, the problem will not go away, just because it should, and will most assuredly re-occur.


One Example - if I know you cannot control the urge to talk people's business and have chosen to cause problems as a result of that urge in the recent past... why would I, or in some cases -should I give you ammunition to broadcast? Furthermore... what gives you the right to feel I would or should be obliged to give you that information? And further to that... what gives you the right to feel people WANT you to broadcast their pain or joy or any other personal type information?


That is NOT friendship. Just one person living off the gladness or sadness of others.


Disclaimer... my usage of the term 'you' does NOT reflect any negative interaction with ((((Compry)))) who has proven to be a loving and respectful friend, whom will continue to be loved and respected and treated in kind)

[dahjah]

Re: Drawing the line and walking away - inspired by life & SistahD

The answer is simple, ppl love mekee too complicated.
Is this friend there for you?
Are you there for them?
Are you the one holding up the friendship and in you our of need yuh di deh wid yuh too long hann?
Does your friend treat you the way you treat them?

If it is one sided are they really a friend?
Do you find yourself going the extra mile while they go the extra inch?

The thing to do is to bring it up?
Maybe thing are going on in their life that could make them stray. But if a did yuh choo choo fren yuh wouldan kno ahreddy.

In the end it is better wid out dis so-called friend; dash dem tuh de wayside. When dem call yuh bizzy.

[yardy]

Re: Drawing the line and walking away - inspired by life & SistahD

Very interesting
When our friendships become one-sided, what is the best way of handling it?
It is an in-depth relationship combining trust, support, communication, loyalty, understanding, empathy, and intimacy. Aspects of life that all of us crave.
Being able to trust and relax with your friend is a big part of friendship.Those people whose friendship hurts you eventually, they are TOXIC cut them off.Nothing hurts more than a friend who betrays you.

Instead of different words, however, we're stuck with simple adjectives. Close friend. Best friend. Trusted friend. Beloved friend. But whether you use adjectives or different words, few could deny the nearly infinite meaning in such a simple word

[Nanook]

Re: Drawing the line and walking away - inspired by life & SistahD

One Example - if I know you cannot control the urge to talk people's business and have chosen to cause problems as a result of that urge in the recent past... why would I, or in some cases -should I give you ammunition to broadcast? Furthermore... what gives you the right to feel I would or should be obliged to give you that information? And further to that... what gives you the right to feel people WANT you to broadcast their pain or joy or any other personal type information?

I've had a very rough year both physically and finding out WHO my true friends are. In one case, I had a "so called friend" calling regularly on the basis that they truely cared. In short, all they really wanted was to take each and every word I said and repeat it to the very person in my life I wished to have no contact with and therefore did not want him knowing every move I made. I knew all along this person couldn't be trusted, as she did the same to my offending party, often mentioning things that my ex said/did/was doing, like I cared to hear it all, so I knew she was doing the same with regards to me.Oh bwoy, the day i cut off communications with her was interesting to say the least. I saved the words she spoke to me, to remind myself once again, what a friend is, and isn't////

Needless to say, I eventually cut off all communication with her, which se seemed not to understand, either that or she was upset that i would no longer FEED her need to blab everything I said. Thankfully, I had known all along what she was up to, so what I did tell her was not anything I wouldnt want known around the www.

[SistahD]

Re: Drawing the line and walking away - inspired by life & SistahD

(((((IM))))) seems like an epidemic to me!

[Diplomat]

Re: Drawing the line and walking away - inspired by life & SistahD

Interesting thread. I do not believe that we often understand friendship, and we bring to the table our own ideas and expectations. Those ideas and expectations may be unreasonable, and therefore one's perception of the state of the friendship could be very subjective.

I once read that "just because someone does not love you the way you think they should, does not mean they don't love you the best way they know how." I think the same goes for friendships as well, and therefore before we can even conclude that a friendship is one-sided, we need to examine our own expectations, and whether or not the person in question agreed to meet, or can live up to, those expectations.

If a friendship appears to be one-sided, in addition to the above, there is no harm in finding out from the other party is something is wrong. There are seasons in relationships, and I also believe that there are times when a friend may be dealing with their own issues and cannot be there the way we think they should. At this point we can selfishly decide that such a friendship is one-sided, but is it really? Chances are good we simply want and expect a friendship on our terms.

As for cutting loses and moving on, that is a very major decision that when made, is just about irreversible as far as trust and effectiveness goes. IMHO, friendships bring with it certain commitments, and because a friendship may be in the Winter season, so to speak, and we are not getting what we want, it is easy to head for the nearest exit. Unless the friendship is unhealthy or meaningless, it may be worth just taking one step back in order to move two steps forward. Like I said, unless one takes the time to find out from the other friend what is going on, one may be bailing out at a time when the other person may simply be suffering in silence with their own issues.

[msgoody2shoes]

Re: Drawing the line and walking away - inspired by life & SistahD

Originally posted by SistahD:
... granted sometimes, through time or circumstances/situations some friendships can prove to be one-sided or unworthy, and one must learn where to draw the line or when to walk away from the unhealthy ones.


I have such a friendship that I am having a hard time walking away from.

I met a considerably younger female when we were in Medical School some 2 years ago. I saw her more as a daughter and that's what our peers called her because of her propensity to do what I did. Even so much that when I withdrew from school, she did as well, and on the same day.

I try to be a role model and a mother figure for her. Her Mom is "happy", so I relate to her on a different level than she does. I try to talk to her about her very loose lifestyle and the consequences that will befall her in life. Wereas, her Mom tells her the opposite. If I tell her she should not sleep with every male she meets because they will dip and leave, her Mom asks her, "Who's stuff it is, yours or hers?" She follows her Mom and the guys leave after she puts out the goods.

I do my best to help her, be there for her when she's heartbroken, answer when she calls me 20 times a day, advise her, listen to her, laugh with her, etc. When I get weary and want her to just go away, my spiritual adviser tell me that God put her in my life for a reason and I cannot abandon it. Sigh...Why me?

Well, we recently started working together. She was there first. I noticed that although she is joined hip to thigh to me outside of the workplace, she was rather standoffish at work. Acting as though we were not close at all. I mentioned this to me sister and she clued me in. She said this child has talked about me there and never thought I would work with her, so now she does not know how to act with me around whoever she has spread my business too. I do share some things with her during our talks, to give her some heads up.

After a while, when people got used to me and knew me, she relaxed. Of course, I have no idea what info was shared and do not care, but I did not appreciate the distance. Especially when I am dying to cut the strings. But she is so needy.

Today, I told her that I do not want to hear about the every other day boy that she meets and sleeps with. Even though she has a fiance of less than a month, overseas on a Navy boat. She was offended and got off the phone. 8 hours later, she was back. I feel stuck in a relationship that I cannot get out of without hurting her. I am very sensitive of other people's feelings and would rather protect that than fulfil what I want, sometimes.

I don't know what to do.

[Englan Girl]

Re: Drawing the line and walking away - inspired by life & SistahD

Cut her loose.

[msgoody2shoes]

Re: Drawing the line and walking away - inspired by life & SistahD

Originally posted by Englan Girl:
[qb] Cut her loose. [/qb]

How??? I have tried and she always seem to come back. Mind you, she is still in the tender stage of life. She's 20 and not yet at the mature level she should be. Still in the "I am invincible" stage.

I constantly have to empty out my called ID box because her number(s) are all over it. She calls from her cell, home, work, friend's cell/home phones, store phones. I heard last night, from her younger sister, that she does the same thing to her mother.

She's needy and requires a lot of attention. I don't want to hurt her, but, geez. I have a life and things going on too. I can't take the constant calls. If she calls and I'm on the phone, she'll call back in 10 or 15 minutes and ask am I still talking. I sometimes plug in my laptop just so she can get a busy signal, then I ignore her on my cell.

I don't know what to do. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

Have a good day. Off to work!
MG2S

[Englan Girl]

Re: Drawing the line and walking away - inspired by life & SistahD

MG2S if you want her off your back you will have to find a way. You trying to help and it ain't working, so get a sharp knife (strong words) and cut the chord.

There are plenty of other young women out there who would love the help and support she getting from you without needing to hitch up under you fracktail like that.

You could try using Boundie's phrase "you baxide" the next time she calls [img]/forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] . Sorry to make light of your situation, but strong action is called for and it must come from you in language she will understand. If it means you and she don't talk again, so be it. She ain't your burden so why you carrying her?

Anyway, I hope it works out. Short-term pain is better than long term anguish.

[SistahD]

Re: Drawing the line and walking away - inspired by life & SistahD

How??? I have tried and she always seem to come back. Mind you, she is still in the tender stage of life. She's 20 and not yet at the mature level she should be. Still in the "I am invincible" stage.

((MissG2)) The level of maturity (immaturity) and the difference between yours and hers will be a problem. You have to use the 'tough love' approach with her, and be tougher on yourself to follow through.


I had a very close, long-time friend. We partied very hard together for years, and as we matured together, and became more settled, our friendship also evolved (became stronger and better) but the people we partied with changed, as did the type of social activity.

Her daughter was about 6 months older than my son. They attended the same daycare. We used to share babysitting time (she would take Cody for overnights / evenings and I would take her daughter) as well when my time to get out and about came up.

Keeping in mind, she smoked weed (I didn't), she drank heavily (I didn't), she indulged in her child's presence (I didn't and still don't really)


At a certain point I would arrive at daycare, to be asked by the staff to take the daughter home as well, as my friend had called, and she would pick her up by 7-8 pm. OR my friend would reach me at work just prior to leaving. I never minded... I loved having the two kids together, and they were so close, they always had a blast.


7-8 pm always turned into 11pm to 2 am

The kids would always be bathed and sleeping long before her arrival.

Her daughter was real cranky when waking to go home so late.

My son would be upset in the morning when he woke to discover his friend wasn't there.

My friend... got to the point (with her drinking) that sometimes she couldn't stand upright - she'd be bombed. Her daughter's birthday was even celebrated in a bar type atmosphere, to include her adult friends (and to allow her to drink)


I took a stance and on those nights, when she would call to say she was on her way, I would tell her to go home, sleep it off and I would either take her daughter to day care, or she could pick her up later in the day (when she'd sober up). (by then the kids were in Kindergarten / After4 programs, and the After4 staff was noticing her behaviour and at one point approached me). My friend would take her child home in the evening, open a beer for herself, and a tin of noodles for the daughter. Poor child only got real food at my house.

Shortly after, I invited her and her daughter for dinner... after which I put the kids to play in another room, and had a heart to heart with her, listing all the reasons why I could no longer stand by and allow her to raise her child in such a manner. Re-inforced my feelings for her and her daughter, and the value of our friendships (children included), but also advised her that her behaviour was affecting After4 and they were on the verge of withdrawing her (subsidized) spot because of the continual lates.

She admitted being an alcoholic. ('but if you ever say I said that I'll deny it' ). I told her I would support her IF she went for counselling and took any other steps to change her lifestyle.


Her response to my stance... she enrolled her daughter at a different school, different After4 program... finally quit her good government job, moved to a small town in rural Quebec (where she was raised), and stopped communicating with us totally.

That was at least eleven years ago. Today she still lives in that small town, hasn't really worked since. And she is still 'a party girl' (sic drunk). The child's father... is a whole 'nother awful story.


I'm no better than any other person, and I can certainly party hard and hang out... but IF my son sees me take a drink-at home... he wants to know what I'm celebrating, because her rarely sees me take a drink, and he most certainly has never seen me falling-down drunk.


The loss of that friendship, for both the adults and the children sakes, was a great loss, and took a long time to heal, but I could not sit back and watch nor let my son watch, such negative behaviour.

[Guest]

Re: Drawing the line and walking away - inspired by life & SistahD

Originally posted by SistahD:
[qb]Disclaimer... my usage of the term 'you' does NOT reflect any negative interaction with ((((Compry)))) who has proven to be a loving and respectful friend, whom will continue to be loved and respected and treated in kind) [/qb]

You know you didn't need this diclaimer and the feelings are mutual. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

I agree with you that every situation is different and as such we will be faced with different ways of handling these situations.

A few years ago I was very close friends with a Mary (not the correct name), who I thought was trustworthy. I had met someone who showed a lot of interests and I got all giddyheaded about it. I shared with Mary most of the things that this fella and I talked about and she betrayed my trust by talking to Bob (not correct name). Here's the kicker, Bob was seeing Janice (not correct name) who I worked out at the gym with. Bob told his Janice everything that my friend Mary told him about my relationship and Janice filled me in on everything with all the details.

Now, in this situation, I did not see the need to discuss anything with Mary. I simply walked away from the friendship. She later found out that Janice was seeing Bob, that Janice and I knew each other and did try to explain her way out of what she did.

In such a small world we need to be careful who we are sharing information with because you just never know.

[Guest]

Re: Drawing the line and walking away - inspired by life & SistahD

Originally posted by King dahjah:
[qb] The answer is simple, ppl love mekee too complicated.
Is this friend there for you?
Are you there for them?
Are you the one holding up the friendship and in you our of need yuh di deh wid yuh too long hann?
Does your friend treat you the way you treat them?

If it is one sided are they really a friend?
Do you find yourself going the extra mile while they go the extra inch?

The thing to do is to bring it up?
Maybe thing are going on in their life that could make them stray. But if a did yuh choo choo fren yuh wouldan kno ahreddy.

In the end it is better wid out dis so-called friend; dash dem tuh de wayside. When dem call yuh bizzy. [/qb]

You have such a way with words [img]/forums/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

[dahjah]

Re: Drawing the line and walking away - inspired by life & SistahD

[img]/forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]