Short Story Competition 2008

[Derob]

Re: Short Story Competition 2008

Wait a minute [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70365-flirt.gif[/img] Where ya goin? [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70394-bawlout.gif[/img]

[Calvin]

Re: Short Story Competition 2008

Just read jahlove7 "Beverly My Sweet", and I loved it. Nice, simple, authentic. I really felt for Beverly. The rhymes were seriously good, and I didn't get bored once. Only one problem. It's a poem, not a short story. And a poem can't win a short story competition, anymore than a short story can win a poetry competition.

[ILP]

Re: Short Story Competition 2008

Calvin you hard, eei? [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/704555_dwl.gif[/img]
that is what is so beautiful about jahlove's piece.
it tells a story in a creative way.
I like "authentic" as a discription.... [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70409-waytogo.gif[/img]

[Calvin]

Re: Short Story Competition 2008

Me hard? Just wait till I review your story! [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/wink.gif[/img]

[Nylah]

Re: Short Story Competition 2008

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Calvin</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Me hard? Just wait till I review your story! [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/wink.gif[/img] </div></div>

[img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/704555_dwl.gif[/img]

[ILP]

Re: Short Story Competition 2008

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Calvin</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Me hard? Just wait till I review your story! [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/wink.gif[/img] </div></div>

[img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/eek.gif[/img]

[Calvin]

Re: Short Story Competition 2008

RE: ILP_Again's "Street Festival"

This story has a strong narrative and a main character (MC) with whom the reader can identify. I also liked the way that the story unfolded; the sense of impending disaster kept my interest throughout. The naivity of the MC rang true, as did her relationship with her mother.

There are some nice lines, for example: "He spent the five minutes I was in line waiting for my cheese and green pepper omelet blowing me kisses and winking his tiger colored eyes." The MC's instant attraction to Yale's "tiger coloured eyes" was a nice touch, and by focussing on his eyes (rather than say, his body) showed that her attraction was romantic as well as sexual. This fitted with her character.

The best line was this: "Of all my friends, Terri was the best at telling you in five words what your mother couldn’t tell you in eighteen years."

The story could be improved by tighter editing and some work on the ending, which was a bit flat. I would recommend more use of original language and less use of cliches. "Night came quickly to the Catonsville Street Festival. Smells of cut grass, beer, and trash hovered in the air", doesn't really do it for me. And the characters would be more three dimensional if there was more "show" and less "tell", e.g. show the readers that Yale is a bad man, don't tell them. More background and history on the MC would help to explain why she was so desperate for love and so easilly misled by Yale. It didn't fit with her strong family background and sensible advice and support for her mother.

Overall, I thought this is a well crafted story which accurately portrayed a young woman's disillusionment and growing up. Well done!

[ILP]

Re: Short Story Competition 2008

[img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/crybaby.gif[/img]

[Shine_Eye_Girl]

Re: Short Story Competition 2008

You sound like my old professor at L.I.U [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/scareyuh.gif[/img]

[Calvin]

Re: Short Story Competition 2008

Me sound like a prof? Now, that is funny. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/smile.gif[/img]

I used to belong to a short story writing workshop called 'east of the web'. Sadly, it closed down a couple of years ago, but I learned a lot before it did. The way it worked was that you had to review and comment on other people's stories as well as post your own. Sometimes the reviews would be almost as long as the stories!

The first time one of my stories was reviewed, I felt a bit hurt. The reviewer had pointed out many flaws, when all I wanted to hear was praise. But I swallowed my pride in the end, 'cos I'm not an arrogant person and I really wanted to improve my skills. After a while I started to want to hear the criticism. The praise was nice, but did I learn as much from it?

The workshop taught us to be honest. Boy, that was hard, especially when you had to review a story written by someone who had just slated or praised yours. The thing is, it really worked. Anyway, I'm going to shut up now, 'cos TLC's eye keeps looking at me in a funny way and I'm getting scared. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/grin.gif[/img]

[Nunya]

Re: Short Story Competition 2008

So why haven't you reviewed the other entries then?

[Shine_Eye_Girl]

Re: Short Story Competition 2008

Don't shut up.....I like the critique.......

[Magician]

Re: Short Story Competition 2008

TLC tap leggo di heye pon ya caw it scare off participants! [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70388-shameonyou.gif[/img]


Awrite. Mi know seh a whole heapa unu can write torey! [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/notworthy.gif[/img] Caw mi read nuff torey dung a DearK [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/blush.gif[/img], and mi read nuff trip report, [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/agood.gif[/img] an mi read nuff bout di calamities dat meet unu de a road. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/704555_dwl.gif[/img]

So it why jus a deggeh-deggeh 7 story get submit? [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70402-thinking.gif[/img]

<span style='font-size: 14pt'>Beg unu start write or mi going resort to going down di attendence liss an <u>stawt call ppl name</u>! </span> [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/nahtalktoyuh.gif[/img]

[Bizzy]

Re: Short Story Competition 2008

[img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/popcorn.gif[/img]brown stew turkey neck wid baked sweet potato, steamed veggies and mango carrot juice [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/popcorn.gif[/img]

[Calvin]

Re: Short Story Competition 2008

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Nunya</div><div class="ubbcode-body">So why haven't you reviewed the other entries then? </div></div>

I'm in the middle of a family crisis. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/tired.gif[/img] I'll try and review the rest over the next few days.

TLC: Your big eye had me really shaking with fear - I had to stick a post-it note over it!!! [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/wink.gif[/img]