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by TONY BEST
<span style="font-style: italic">Nation News, Barbados</span>
HOW MANY MISTAKES do couples make in the bedroom?
The experts, be they Bajan, Canadian or American, respond with a four-letter word: many.
"The mechanics of sex haven't changed since creation, but it is the attitude to it and how you go about achieving maximum satisfaction that has undergone constant change," said Dr Myrna Lashley, a Bajan clinical psychologist and a counsellor to couples with marital problems in Montreal, Canada.
"Look, the bolt goes into slot A. That has been so from the beginning," she added. "It is the tendency to adhere to myths instead of dealing with reality or failing to come to grips with it in order to enjoy good sex can be problematic. Inevitable, it leads to mistakes and a failure to enjoy it."
Tracey Cox, an American author of almost a dozen books on sex, and Kim Droze, a writer for LifeScript, an online health service for women, speak of "bedroom blues" – a situation which leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to satisfaction in the bed. It can also sow the seeds for an affair.
The crucial factor, they contend, is separating fact from fiction.
Keep it clean
At the top of the list of myths – mistakes if you will – is the idea that the bed is the place to keep it clean. Yes, says Cox, whose latest book, More Hot Sex – published last year by Bantam Books has struck a responsive cord among both sexes – women are right to insist on a clean and tidy bedroom. That's one thing, quite desirable.
But "clean sex" is something else. That's taking it much too far.
Lashley certainly agrees.
"Women should and do enjoy down and 'dirty' sex with their partners. Absolutely. For too long women have been restricted by notions that sex is simply for procreation and not for enjoyment. Women are just beginning to break out of that by realising that it's okay for them to enjoy sex, just like men," she said.
"Women in Barbados of yesteryear weren't brought up that way. They were told that sex was something you did because it was a part of the duty of a married woman's life or a relationship. They weren't into enjoying it [or] making their wishes known.
Time was when men were not only supposed to do it regularly but brag with their friends about their prowess in the bedroom and how many women they 'conquered'. The problem with many men was that while they knew about the mechanics of sex, they didn't know enough about romancing the woman.
"They simply didn't know how to make love," said Lashley. "They treat breast like radios, you turn the dial once and that's supposed to satisfy the woman. What went wrong was there wasn't anybody to teach them. Certainly, the pleasure principle was not employed."
Sex alone
Second is a long-held belief that in the end men are only interested in having sex – no ifs, ands or buts. Because of this some women often feel that their men's badgering is for only one thing but what they really want is affection, especially after a hard day on the job.
They are really craving nurturing, suggests Cox.
Many men find it extremely difficult to express themselves in words, so they use sex to show or get affection, she insists.
"Men aren't simply interested in sex, sex, sex," said Lashley. "Quite often they see sex as a way to tell a woman he cares. They may have trouble expressing themselves verbally and turn to sex to send a message."
Unfortunately, the advice of a grandmother or aunt sticks into the wife's ear, and that is 'men simply want to do it', and that can be a major turn-off which prevents women from enjoying or from accepting their partner's overtures.
Always ready
That leads to mistake No. 3 in bed – the feeling that men are always ready.
"He's not a vibrator," was the way Cox put it. "You can't just plug him [in] and expect him to perform on cue."
Vibrators, the sex toy of choice of a growing number of Bajan women, spring in to action with the flick of a switch, but human beings don't function that way. When they aren't in the mood, women may cite a headache but men who just don't feel like it, have difficulty saying so, fearing that his partner may conclude "he doesn't desire me any more". Not true.
"Men have sensitivities but far too many women have been encouraged to believe that they don't," said Lashley. "There is the old joke that women have a reason to make love but a man needs a place to do it. Like women, men need to be romanced.
"They have said repeatedly during therapy sessions they don't always want to be the one to make the first move. They want the woman to reach out and say 'I want what you want.' Women are just starting to realise that men don't simply want them for sex; that they are vulnerable and can't perform in bed, that is, any minute of the day."
Orgasm not destination
On the other side of the bed, and the fourth mistake made, is that men have to avoid the trap of thinking that their organsm means it's over.
Cox urges women to let their partner know in no uncertain terms "you are not done yet." Just as important are the other ways to satisfy a woman, the hands or oral intercourse are two of them.
"Women should teach their men to ensure that their needs are met as well," said Lashley. Failure to provide guidance in bed is a common mistake.
"Don't be too afraid, embarrassed to provide the man with guidance," the clinical psychologist advised.
Cox believes explicit directions are in order – where, how fast, how hard and when.
The fifth mistake is the over-reaction to trying something new.
"You have been doing it one way for years and he or she suggests a new approach and immediately you say no. "That's not going to cut it," the Bajan psychologist points out. "People like variety and you should be willing to try something new. Don't over-react."
Both Lashley and Cox suggested people must find exciting ways to keep the fires burning.
"Remember how you first romanced each other, what brought you to . . . seeing each other as lifelong partners. Go back to that time and employ some of the same approaches that lit the fire in the first place."
Cox contends a major mistake is the belief that being in love guarantees a great sex life. Nothing could be further from the truth.
"People aren't prepared for how much work it takes to keep good sex long term," the author insists. "We have high expectations of our sex lives these days. When sex settles down a bit we get bored. Then we go out and get someone else."
And that can be the biggest mistake of all.
<span style="font-style: italic">NEXT WEEK: Is our religious upbringing preventing us from having a healthy sex life?</span>
<span style="font-style: italic">Nation News, Barbados</span>
HOW MANY MISTAKES do couples make in the bedroom?
The experts, be they Bajan, Canadian or American, respond with a four-letter word: many.
"The mechanics of sex haven't changed since creation, but it is the attitude to it and how you go about achieving maximum satisfaction that has undergone constant change," said Dr Myrna Lashley, a Bajan clinical psychologist and a counsellor to couples with marital problems in Montreal, Canada.
"Look, the bolt goes into slot A. That has been so from the beginning," she added. "It is the tendency to adhere to myths instead of dealing with reality or failing to come to grips with it in order to enjoy good sex can be problematic. Inevitable, it leads to mistakes and a failure to enjoy it."
Tracey Cox, an American author of almost a dozen books on sex, and Kim Droze, a writer for LifeScript, an online health service for women, speak of "bedroom blues" – a situation which leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to satisfaction in the bed. It can also sow the seeds for an affair.
The crucial factor, they contend, is separating fact from fiction.
Keep it clean
At the top of the list of myths – mistakes if you will – is the idea that the bed is the place to keep it clean. Yes, says Cox, whose latest book, More Hot Sex – published last year by Bantam Books has struck a responsive cord among both sexes – women are right to insist on a clean and tidy bedroom. That's one thing, quite desirable.
But "clean sex" is something else. That's taking it much too far.
Lashley certainly agrees.
"Women should and do enjoy down and 'dirty' sex with their partners. Absolutely. For too long women have been restricted by notions that sex is simply for procreation and not for enjoyment. Women are just beginning to break out of that by realising that it's okay for them to enjoy sex, just like men," she said.
"Women in Barbados of yesteryear weren't brought up that way. They were told that sex was something you did because it was a part of the duty of a married woman's life or a relationship. They weren't into enjoying it [or] making their wishes known.
Time was when men were not only supposed to do it regularly but brag with their friends about their prowess in the bedroom and how many women they 'conquered'. The problem with many men was that while they knew about the mechanics of sex, they didn't know enough about romancing the woman.
"They simply didn't know how to make love," said Lashley. "They treat breast like radios, you turn the dial once and that's supposed to satisfy the woman. What went wrong was there wasn't anybody to teach them. Certainly, the pleasure principle was not employed."
Sex alone
Second is a long-held belief that in the end men are only interested in having sex – no ifs, ands or buts. Because of this some women often feel that their men's badgering is for only one thing but what they really want is affection, especially after a hard day on the job.
They are really craving nurturing, suggests Cox.
Many men find it extremely difficult to express themselves in words, so they use sex to show or get affection, she insists.
"Men aren't simply interested in sex, sex, sex," said Lashley. "Quite often they see sex as a way to tell a woman he cares. They may have trouble expressing themselves verbally and turn to sex to send a message."
Unfortunately, the advice of a grandmother or aunt sticks into the wife's ear, and that is 'men simply want to do it', and that can be a major turn-off which prevents women from enjoying or from accepting their partner's overtures.
Always ready
That leads to mistake No. 3 in bed – the feeling that men are always ready.
"He's not a vibrator," was the way Cox put it. "You can't just plug him [in] and expect him to perform on cue."
Vibrators, the sex toy of choice of a growing number of Bajan women, spring in to action with the flick of a switch, but human beings don't function that way. When they aren't in the mood, women may cite a headache but men who just don't feel like it, have difficulty saying so, fearing that his partner may conclude "he doesn't desire me any more". Not true.
"Men have sensitivities but far too many women have been encouraged to believe that they don't," said Lashley. "There is the old joke that women have a reason to make love but a man needs a place to do it. Like women, men need to be romanced.
"They have said repeatedly during therapy sessions they don't always want to be the one to make the first move. They want the woman to reach out and say 'I want what you want.' Women are just starting to realise that men don't simply want them for sex; that they are vulnerable and can't perform in bed, that is, any minute of the day."
Orgasm not destination
On the other side of the bed, and the fourth mistake made, is that men have to avoid the trap of thinking that their organsm means it's over.
Cox urges women to let their partner know in no uncertain terms "you are not done yet." Just as important are the other ways to satisfy a woman, the hands or oral intercourse are two of them.
"Women should teach their men to ensure that their needs are met as well," said Lashley. Failure to provide guidance in bed is a common mistake.
"Don't be too afraid, embarrassed to provide the man with guidance," the clinical psychologist advised.
Cox believes explicit directions are in order – where, how fast, how hard and when.
The fifth mistake is the over-reaction to trying something new.
"You have been doing it one way for years and he or she suggests a new approach and immediately you say no. "That's not going to cut it," the Bajan psychologist points out. "People like variety and you should be willing to try something new. Don't over-react."
Both Lashley and Cox suggested people must find exciting ways to keep the fires burning.
"Remember how you first romanced each other, what brought you to . . . seeing each other as lifelong partners. Go back to that time and employ some of the same approaches that lit the fire in the first place."
Cox contends a major mistake is the belief that being in love guarantees a great sex life. Nothing could be further from the truth.
"People aren't prepared for how much work it takes to keep good sex long term," the author insists. "We have high expectations of our sex lives these days. When sex settles down a bit we get bored. Then we go out and get someone else."
And that can be the biggest mistake of all.
<span style="font-style: italic">NEXT WEEK: Is our religious upbringing preventing us from having a healthy sex life?</span>
bwoy, im noh mince words at all...
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