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The walls in the Boardlane community were hidden with colorful flyers advertising the grand opening of a new Restaurant and Nightclub on Coodeh Lane. The excitement was in the air as the community had always wondered when they would get something better than the run down Jazz Johnson Peel head Jancrow eating Establichment
The flyers read:
GRAND OPENING OF ENSOM’S WAN STAP BICKLE SHAP &CLUB
Doors open at 7 pm sharp! Plenty food and entertainment and such delights. Bring yuh woman, yuh husban, yuh matie, nuff money but lef di pickney dem a yuh yaad! Coming out party start at 11 pm til 2 am. BE THERE OR DOAN CHAT TO MI AGAIN
The excited, but nervous entrepreneur received a phone call early one morning from her Aunt living out of State:
Ensom: Ello, Ensom speaking
Leonie: Wutlis gal Ensom.. mi hear seh yuh a open cook shop? Mi no care what it name tell me when it a open so mi can set mi reservation fi fly dung deh.
Ensom: Yes Auntie Leonie mi a try a ting ..Di 9 to 5 a Walmart wid people telling mi whe fi duh a noh fi mi. Dem people deh too dam fesity fi my liking…
Leonie: Mi glad fi yuh so til mi caan even talk… Mi hear sey a fire dem fire yuh mek yuh lef Walmart - a troo?
Ensom: A troo ting but afta mi noh care .. dem know weh fi go stuff dem dutty jab! Dats why I write up mi business plan fi get dis restaurant ting going
Leonie: Den Ensom a teif yuh teif dem mek dem fire yuh?
Ensom: Teif? A wah Walmart have fi mi tief fram dem?.. Di Maniga piss mi aff an spray di place wid bress milk. Mi jus hole up mi ti-ti dem like a Ak47 gun an start fiya! Breas milk all ova di place!
Leonie: Seh wah?? (laughing) Lawd what is dis .Well mi did have one Grace thrillers concert fi go dis weeken but dis opening caan miss mi. Mek mi go call di airline an goh tek some Solomon's herb wash out cause di way mi plan fi nyam mi mite all bus out mi pants kratches.
Ensom: Arite Auntie mi caan wait fi si yuh.. (she hangs up) if shi tink shi a come mi place come nyam fi free cause shi name fambily ..shi mek a sad mistake
A couple of patrons had come in for a sit down breakfast at Jazz’ restaurant that morning.
Chayil: Marning Mi ‘swoosh sista..how yuh do?
Jazz: Nat a ting misis..mi deh yah pan di hard wok as usual..Everyting arite.. tidey mi a mek a resolutian to be nice and courteous to everybady... even if dem provoke mi.
**They all sat themselves around a table.**
Ackeegirl: Dats good JJ.. BTW yuh hear bout Ensom gran opening af di New club and restaurant? Yuh naah fret sey shi ago run yuh outta business.. yuh know how dem peeple ina di community kin ketch fire when dem si new tings!
Jazz: Mi naah fret yuh noh.. Is one ting I know. Ensom is a good friend... very nice lady...but di ooman caan cook a baxide! Yuh eva go a yaad yet an taste har food!
Ackeegirl: Mi go a yaard one an two time fi seh hello but mi neva nyam har food yet... Den a soh har food tan bad Jazz?
Jazz: Misis as yuh tep ina har yaad is “try some of this juice... it's my very own coconut rind mixed with pureed potatoes with a splash of lime" - LAWD gi mi Strent! o/. Now mi si har a open up restaurant an Gad eeh knows shi ago tan yah an pizen aff every soul pan eart!
UnderCover: So mek yuh noh tell di ooman shi caan cook – yuh fraida har?
Jazz: MI? No sah! mi nuh waan hurt Ensom feelings ..unu know how shi ignorant an tan arredi
Chayil: Lawd mi nuh tink Ensom ah guh feel too good fi know yuh ah chat bout har.. Dis wan tough .. mi woulda tell yuh fi have a heart to heart talk wid har but she might tek it wrang an nuh waan chat tuh yuh agen.. yuh know how Ensom fi eva a malice aff people. One minute yuh an har a fren nex minute shi a look fight wid yuh. Mek har tan yaah
UnderCover: **kiss teet** Tell har! tell har mi seh!...if oonu a ital fren yuh nuh suppose to feel no way fi tell har di troot, if it hurt har, she naah dead...no time fi pet and powda when yu waan get di metchis acrass!
Ackeegirl: A soh mi sey to UG.. tell har di troot. Jus sey to har "Ensom...I know you love to cook, but I think your talents could be best utilized if you took up hairdressing instead. There are nuff Nappy head people in di community. Become a hairdressa an build up a clientele." .. If dat don't work, send har a ransom note like dis (she writes it down): EnSoM mE SArri Fe tElL YuH dIs, bUt U cYaNt cOoK A fAwT.
Susanna: AckeeGirl DWL ..girl yuh crazy! Jazzy, I feel for you. But mi caan beilieve yuh nyam a di ooman yaad an all now yuh noh tell har sey shi caan cook! If yuh tell har now dat shi plan fi open up big restaurant shi agao tink yuh jealous or badmine.
Granma2: True ting.. mi woulden tell har.Mek har fall dung flat pan har face! If yuh feel sarry fi har den yuh can lif har up! But a bet sey business ago good fi har! Dem yah people roun yah wi nyam anyting an call it good! DWL!
Jazz: Mi noh know yaah ..mek shi tan. Mi wi wish har well cause mi nuh waan si har pickney dem outta road ah starve...cause it noh look like Preshafut a mine dem.
Ackeegirl: Arite yuh have a pint bout di pickney dem..Dem nose always nassy and dem teet noh look like dem teet brush since dem barn. .. mek har stay. We will jus wish har di bes. So yuh going to di opening Jazz?
Jazz: Yuh noh hear mi sey mi caan tek how di ooman food taste! Mi nat going! An mi tink unu fi tan a unu yaad to! If unu want unu can come a mi place lata mek mi cook a good meal fi unu.
Chayil: YUH MAD! DIS NAAH MISS WI!! Fi mi boot well puddung fi tek in di scene tinite!
Jazz: Unu galang! A hope when running belly tek unu a marning unu noh come yah fi noh seressi!.. Mi nat sarrying fi unu! **cut yeye** **pout mout**
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Meanwhile in a house on DearK Lane:
Babydoll: I have to get out tonight to that club. Mi tired fi siddung inyah an nursing mi pain ova mi dream up man..mi have to get dis bad karma fram mi behine!
Mountaingal: I hear yuh Babydoll, mi tink mi going to but mi need some lessons in flirting cause a nuff man a go deh deh tinite mi can bet.
Grasshopper: Mountain ..it woulda suit yuh betta fi goh read up pan some current affairs so yuh can have sinting fi chat bout before yuh flirt wid nobaddy.
Mountaingal: Excuse you! Afta mi naah look fi noh relationship.. mi noh date cause mi have pickney fi raise...mi jus wan compliment di man dem dats all. Ascarding to mi madda, flirtin is fun. Wha kina compliment yu woulda gi a man?
Lacy: Depens pan what im look like
Grasshopper: Jus tell im sey im shoes look nice an dat im smell good , especially if im a rub up pan yuh ina di club. All yuh do is walk far fram di one name Smutty Mutty.. Im waan woman fi give up di treasure chest an have wile sex wid im wid no strings attached. **brite**
Brownie: Yuh can sey dat again Grass…Nowadays yuh cyan fine a man wid good morals. Nobaddy open up doors , pull out yuh chair , gi up dem seat pan di bus a marning time ..
Grasshopper: But a weh dis ooman a chat sey? .Brownie wah dat haffi do wid anyting?
Brownie: Nutten .. mi was jus saying people noh have morals an look how much church pan street carna.
Babydoll: Lawd Brownie tap yuh nize! When yuh fine a man den yuh can chat bout morals!
Mountaingal: So wi going ar nat? Mi can get mi bredda fi carry all a wi ina im big truck
Lacy: Weh yuh bredda look like! **kin teet**
Grasshopper: Lawd Lacy a di lickle ride wi want it noh matta.. yes wi going.. tell im fi pick wi up right a Spirituality BLVD.
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At the BASHMENT CENTRAL MALL a group of friends were shopping for their outfits. The friends were contemplating what to purchase to wear to the grand opening event.
Lawx: Pinkey anyting good pan dah clearance rack deh?
PinkeyLou: Yes man . mi si some nice catten sharts fi $9.99… an panty fi 3 fi 99 cents
Lawx: Me ah mek it clear from now yuh noh Pinkey.. Nylons and shorts is a fashion no-no
An noh buy noh red baggy if a white sharts yuh a wear!
Slimsexy: DWL an Pinkey please to GET PEDICURE IF YUH WEARING DEM SANDALS DEH .....PLEEEEEEASE!! an LOTION YUH ASHY FOOT DEM BEFORE YUH PUT ON DI SHORTS!!
Lawx: Slim yuh noh have noh place fi a criticize nobaddy enoh.. If you decide fi wear any shart skirt tinite, mek sure you siddung and cross you legs dem in a dainty manner. Nuh bodda liff up you foot like you a clear hurdle. Remember, blindness caan cure! An beg yuh mek sure yuh goh buy new makeup ..dat deh light shade mek yuh fava duppy inna daylight.
PinkelyLou: Hole on deh!! before mi wear mi slippas, yuh waan mi fi goh pen money a get petticure? Unu lucky! If yuh nuh interested ina mi bunions dem, jus hole yuh head straight!!! **cutyeye** Before mi go spen mi money pan pedicure mi drag an mi socks wid mi sandals an galang a di party same soh
BLOZ: Pinkey A ole time-ish dem ole time-ish! Dem nuh know style! Unu noh know seh Nike slippas an Reebok socks can wear??
Jackie: Pinkey and Bloz unu serious!!: Dat is de heights of tackiness!!!! Tackia dan dat yuh cannat find!!!! Oonuu should be crowned de reigning rulers of Tackiedom!!!!.. Beg yuh ol awn tight pon yuh man - caw nobady else nah go look pon yuh wid yuh dutty socks an ben up sandals ~lol~
Britisha: But Pinkey speaking of slippas, mek mi carry yuh dunga Payless fi buy yuh wan new pair a slippas, dem sitting deh wid di heel dem lean like di tower a Pizza fi dash weh now....
PinkeyLou: UNU GOH DEAD A BUSH!! Mi naah goh a di opening fi look nobaddy. Mi a go deh wid mi ben up boot an mi black toe dem same way. Unu galang!
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It took forever for the sun to go down but when it did the heat from the day was still lingering. The balloons and ribbons at the entrance of the new restaurant were colorful. Soon after 7 pm a long line of people was forming out side the restaurant. The sound of the hired disco could be heard echoing for miles. People packed into the restaurant in numbers fighting to get a table before they were all taken. One group found a big enough table for a large party table in a corner.
Esom: Welcome to Ensom ‘One stap Bickle Shap an Club’ ladies. Someone will be here to serve you shortly. Hole tite and tanks fi coming out to mi gran openening
EP: Oh Lord Ensom dis heat is unbearable! (wiping sweat) beg yuh likkle beverage nuh....no badda use nuh white suga.....an put enough lime an sible orange in hit...mikase mi is about to pass out..
Indira: What a place hot fi true! man, mi almost melt pan di sidewalk a try get ina di place. Nat wan drap a "cool breeze" unless a car flyin by pan di street…it soh hot an hazy! woyyeeee!! (fanning)
Ensom: Sarry about di heat ladies .. Mi wi tun up di fan fi unu .. di AC noh put in a di resturant yet. Afta mi pay di builda di fuss mont installemnt den mi wi get AC..so bear wid mi licke bit
Jambeauty: SACRISE! NO AC???! Indira an Ep unno do noh siddung so close tuh mi man…dress dung lickle bit mek likle breeze paas troo.
EP: Ensom I am waiting .. hurry up wid di lickle beverage noh!
Ensom: EP mi a big restaurant owna now an mi noh serve drinks. Hole an mek mi get di watress fi gi yuh something fi drink .. unu enjay unu food an ting. Mek mi go tend to adda mattas ina di kitchen.
(She left to get a waitress for the table)
Indira: Den tuffy a what dat yuh gat ina dat deh big ole bag unda yuh arm.
Tuffstuff: Mi cum wid mi own tubbaware. Mi nuh wan haffi mek Ensom food waste… so mi come prepare seh as mi a** done nyam mi crape up mi food an carry goh a mi yaad
Indira: So yu a wan a dem dat love nyam an leff? Yuh come in like mi cousin .. always walk wid har hungry belly self an full up ar backside an quick fi leff
Tuffstuff: Please to get it rite…is nyam an scram! Yuh can gwaan talk.. as di bickle done mi gaan a mi yaad go fowl uppa unda di covas
Indira: Yuh naah stay fi di coming out party?
Tuffstuff: Lawks! Den a mek dem a call it ‘coming out sessian’? Mek mi tink seh smaddy did a guh hexpoas wan gay smaddy outta di klasit. ... Mi naah stay dowe.. mi wi tan yah dance out di lickle food an quick time white squall a tear up mi mout carna again. Unu check out dem price weh deh pan di menu? Mi caan afford fi buy food all nite. Mi noh know a how Ensom get so teif!
Cntrygal: Well mi ready fi eat an mi ago dance til mi foot bruck aff tenite.. a weh di waita deh fi wait pan wi table.? Look fram when Ensom gaan get serva!! Service inyah slow eeh man ..cho!
Jambeauty: It look like a im dis a come ina wan shart up pants Cntry. Ensom coulden buy dessent unifarm fi di waita dem wear? Ketch di pants noh ..waiiiii DWL
Bimini: Hi dere ladies. Mi suppose dat unnu looks pan de menu an knows whats unu wants.
PinkeyLou: Mine yuh Speeky-Spokey and slip an cuss badwod yaah maasa .. tek time an tap mash up di Hinglish langwage soh!
TuffStuff: DWL ..woooeeee if a laugh a pap!.. (mocking the waiter) As a matter of foc I does not know what I wonts.Waita can yuh run down di specials fur me?
Bimini:
ANYWAY! Wi have Dumplins staat at 2 dollaz ah piece an so fort..It have weabel in deh but doan mine it..di cheapest ting wha deh pan di menu is dumplin. Den wi have fresh squeezed bax juice, Callaloo jus fresh outta di can... Hice Cream wah mek outta baby farmula.
Cntrygal: Di Sun hat mussi bun up unu brains...$2 fe a fry dumplin??? lard a massa unu teef inya bad!
Bimini: Di food price dem higher cause dis is a very ‘Uppity Scale’ restaurant mam .. Dis nat like di lickle ole Shap dat Jazz have a lean pan di side like it out fi pap dung.
Ep25:Wha kina payment dem tek in here waita
Bimini: Anyting but food stamp… wi doan accept food stamp an contafeit money an please to please mek yuh payment in 20 dolla denomalayshun.
Ackeegirl: Waita, oonu don't hexpeck mi fi eat dem deh breeda hard foood inna dis yah heat .. unu don't have any salads and any coconut watah?
Bimini Boy: (with a bad attitude)No wi doan have noh cocanat wata ..unless yuh waan mi climb pan di store tap an pick cocanat gi yuh...heveryting wi have in di restaurant is ready made mam! Yuh can get di salad but a so-so lettuce leaf yuh ago get.
Ackeegirl: You are having one of those "I hate my job" days huh? I would advise yuh to
Goh purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip" an clear out what is stuffing yuh up.
Simmy: (with mouth wide open) Oh NO shi didnt!!!!.. Lawd Ackeegirl tek time wid im.. waaiii mi ago DWL.. Hush Waita ah so dem tan..dem like di hexcitement an luv fi argue han create all kinda fawt. Jus serve mi up 2 a di dumplin an callalo an some irish mosh fi was dat dung
Bimini: (under his breat) what a lickle bugga craven like puss. Is dat all for you Mam?
Simmy: Yes waita … but mek a ask yuh somting, since mi orda nuff tings, mi wonda hiff mi caan get wan a dem cute ooman ganzy unu hav fi di gran opening trow een fi free.
Bimini: Di ganzi dem is fi sell.If yuh waan free ganzi yuh haffi enta talent contest….but seeing as yuh look like smaddy weh only good fi nyam …di chances a yuh winning di t-chirt is nill.
Simmy But si yah! No make mi tek aff dis table Klaat an heng yuh up pan di celing yuh noh feisty bway!
Ackeegirl (standing up between the two)Waita jus leave an go get di food fi mi noh.. wi doan want any more trouble here. Tank yuh.
As the waiter walks away he mumbles to himself:
Bimini: Dam set a columbo dem! All dat deh big Ackee seed yeye wan look like shi nat even know how fi iron clothes ..come inyah feva dem blastid crush callaloo
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Meanwhile…
A woman seated by hereself looked very impatient as she sipped on her Pina Colada drink. She appeared to be glancing at the clock with each sip.
Pepper: A weh dis Ultra Gasoline dead stock man mi have deh dowe eeh!! .. cho! Look how im mek people start stare pon me an all di sercurity guard a watch me. .**kiss teet** .. Oh ..si di big belly bugga a come yah
High Octane: Good eveling Peppa ..sarry mi late suga plum .. but mi noh know a wha kina directian dat yuh gi mi fine disyah resturant!
Peppa: How yuh mean? Mi gi yuh good good directian..an mi caan believe seh a di big ole tractor traila yuh tek come yah.. dis is so embarassing!
HO: Good directian which part?! **kiss teet** Yuh sen mi down a street wid low tree mek mi tear off tree branch an leff dem pon di road .. afta mi drive roun an roun ina circle-mi finaly ketch yah!
Pepper: *Kiss teet** unu man can neva tek good directian yet.. Yuh hungry cause mi ready fi arda.
HO: Yes man ..mi hungry like a lion! Call di waitress mek mi orda up some drinks an food.
Pepper: Spptt..Hi waitress.. over here please! Ready to order mam
Nisa: Yes Mistress an sar what can I serve you today.
Pepper: Mek I ask yuh somting waitress.. yuh sell Jacrow meat in here?
Nisa: Excuse mi miss! Yuh seh Jackrow meat?!
Pepper: Yes - an tap pap out yuh yeye dem soh! .. Isn't jancrow meat a delicacy? Just right for an elegant restaurant like dis
Nisa: Mam di place elegant an all but anless wan daag dead inyah wi noh have noh jancrow fi serve.
Pepper: **kiss teet** mi gwine have to talk to Ensom bout dis.. Yuh caan a go stylish restaurant an dem noh have Jancrow meat pan di menu. Well den, dis gimme one soda ina di can and one pack a shirley biscuit since as noh Jancrow meat noh deh yah. Mi noh feel fi nutten heavy fi nyam again..
Nisa: Wi doan have Shirley biscuit mam but yuh can have apple, banana, naseberrry, or a granola bar fram di snack shap if yuh waan something light fi eat.
Pepper: **kiss teet** No badda ..mi apetite change.. mi noh waan nutten again
HO: Lawd! Peppa if mi fi describe yuh ina one sentence it woulda bi cantankurus, nagging an itchy an full a labba mout ! Jus cool yuh foot an arda wan dinna..di lady seh dem noh cook Jancrow ina dem pat… yuh caan hear?!
Pepper: Mi doan want anyting mi seh! An if mi dat itchy yuh betta lef mi before yuh ketch flea ina yuh behine! It betta mi did tek miself goh Home Depot tinite go ketch wan desent man dan deh yah bout mi deh pan date.
HO: Cho! Yuh a waste a time .. Waitres jus serve mi a bakkle a Heinekin an a plate jerk pork an bring some hot pepper sauce pan di side.
After a few minutes the waitres came back to the table with food on a tray.
Nisa: Here you go sir (putting down the food and the sauce) .
HO: Lady a Tobasco sauce yuh carry gi mi fi hot sauce!! .. Yuh mussi a sniff coke! ..Unu noh si a pure tomatoe mek up disyah sinting..nat a drap a peppa ina di ingredients to baxide! Beg yuh carry dis back weh it a come fram fi mi.. No tanks.. mi wi go ina mi truck an get mi own hot pepper sauce!
With that he left the table to go back to his truck to get the hot sauce. When he returned to the table, his date was gone. She had left the restuarant and gone home furious and up in arms.
HO: Ain’t this some s****! ..a weh she gaan now?.. ahh sah..a tell yuh bout WOMAN!!
He sat an poured his hot sauce on his food and enjoyed his meal by himslef.
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A couple minutes later a tall, slender hippy looking man walks in the restaurant solo and wandering around the crowded restaurant digging his nose. He caught the eyes of some ladies seated around a small round table.
Lawx: Aah bway..look ova desyso pan dah deh mawga bway deh. Now is what compell im fi come dress up inna muscle t-shirt fe show off im ribcage!! Im coulden fine siting dessent fi wear di occassian? But what is dis ..
Afimi2: Den ketch di yellow holie, holie marina to noh.. an di evalasting Tammy Hillfigure shawts dem and di jesas slippas dem whe walk dung to nuuten!!!
C-brownin: Den im a wear di sleeveless sinting an nat even shave im arm pit! Dat is so gross!! A which back a bush im come fram!
Afimi2: Look all pan di black pawt a di toe nail dem.. Sinting dem loo like dem buck off!!! Now WHA MEK im insist on wearing slippas wid dem dey krusty toenail dey?
The man calmly walked over to the table as if he heard what the ladies were chit-chatting about:
Possum: What all this fuss bout me? Haint youins sweet. Fer youins information tho, I from East Tennessee. I want you to kno that ole Possum is foot loose an fancy FREE! Ole Possum don’t wash feet til moonrise. You folks may say I favor a mangoose but Youins don’t know how we roll ova the hills of East Tennessee! Jus so ya’ll know - Possum hollered . Peace!
(With that, he continued walking wondering around and picking his nose.)
Afimi2: : What the hell was that about!
Lawx: Doan ask .. sinting clearly wrang wid fi im head.. Ensom need fi have dress code ..shi caan have mad people a walk inyah looking like traila trash.
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At one of the tables a known married man and his sweetheart was getting ready to place their orders. The waitress was seemingly having a hard time with the two patrons:
Nisa: Would you like mi to repeat the entrees again sar?
Jahlive: Yes baby.. yuh did a talk too faas an mi neva get it down too good.
Nisa: Arite lissen up an lissen good! Fi dinna yuh can get Black yeye peas soup, ockro an fish fiesta, an stew goat and rice and peas
Jahlive: Ms Nisa.. is wha name stew goat baby???
Nisa: Stew goat ah goat widdout de curry!!!..(under her breath) cho! people can hignorant eeeeh
Jahlive: Cho mi neva know dat.. Well dat soun good deh babes. Sell mi 2 arda a stew goat fi mi an mi Sweetheart Nicky.
She submitted the order and came back a few minutes after with the dinners. The man did not like what he saw.
Jahlive: Is wha kina lickle bit a food dis unu a serve big man! Is why yuh so stingy wid di meat Ms Nisa? Is like unu tink unu a Jesas a tek di stew goat an a feed di multitudes.
Nisa: Lissen sar noh mek me taebo yuh baxide inyah tidey yuh noh, me is certified ina LA Fitness!
so if yuh know wah good fi yuh, yuh satisfy wid what yuh get!
Jahlive: But si yah ooman ..mi did tink yuh a chuch going ooman. An look how yuh a offa mi kick dung! Call Di Maniga!!.. A fram marning mi noh nyam nutten a wait pan gran opening an mi well raw .. MI SEH FI CALL DI MANIGA!
NickyTheTricky: Honey darling is OK.. never mind let’s just eat what we have. Mi noh dat ungry anyway..Jus arda mi a drink of Poonci Kunta
Jahlive: KUNTA KENTE WAH? Sweetheart dem sell D&G Soda here yuh noh …plus memba dacta sey di farrin liquor wi mash up yuh inside structa…
NickyTheTricky: Arite mam since mi darling seh mi caan have di liqua, pass mi a sky juice!
Jahlive: Yes waitress sell har a sky juice.. ..di cheapes one unu hav
Nisa: Wi doan have anyting name sky juice sar.. shi can have Pinapple juice or Mango juice. An dat is $2.50 each sar.
Jahlive: Kiss mi false teet!! $2.50?! .. (turning to Nicky) Baby doan dacta seh yuh muss drink more wata fi flush out yuh system?
NickyTheTricky: A shoulda know betta dan mek yuh cheap hehine carry mi out fi dinna tideh! Mi noh waan noh wata! Waitress bring mi siting fi drink puleeze. Mi out fi get heat stroke, if mi nuh jink sumpin soon!!
*******************
At around 10 pm two well dressed ladies entered the doors of the resturant. They seem to be looking around and admiring the ambiance.
Chayil: Jazz yuh noh glad yuh come .. look how di place nice an di food smell so good
Jazz: Di place kina look respectable still but mi naah nyam nuttten fram yah as lang as a Ensom cook.
Chayil: Well yuh noh haffi eat but try yuh bes enjoy yuh self. Ketch man ina di place man! If I knew what I know now I would wear dat body suit inna mi closet an drink a V8 before mi come.
Jazz: If mi did know what I know now seh nuff man was gwine deh bout mi woulda floss mi teet, wear control top an put a mi edible drawz.
Chayil: Sometimes yuh worrry mi yuhnoh Jazz. Yuh arite?
Jazz: Yeah man mi cool.. Mi going to keep mi resolutian to bi nice tidey.. jus waan dance to 2 rub-a-dub now
**Somthing caught the eyes of one of the ladies.**
Chayil: Hell no! oooh HELL NO!
Jazz What it is mi swoosh sista?! A wha?!
Chayil: Is dat mi man wid Nicky ova deh so a wine an dine?
Jazz: Dat liad skeezing wretch!! Go ova deh goh buss di dutty red bway baxide chayil!
[/b] Chayil:[/b] Ole an deh mek a ile dung mi fayce wid vaseline.. Hole mi aize ring fi mi deh Jazz
The two women angrily walk over to the table where the man and his date were seated:
Chayil: Yes Mista Jahlive! So yuh a kip Nicky wid mi pan di side eeh?!
Jahlive: (frightned and baffeld) Oh I dere mi baby Chayil .. what ..how.. errr.. No man is mi cousin -in law dis..what yuh doing here darling.. mi tink yuh was gwine stay home wid di pickney dem..
Chayil: Yuh tink a now mi a tell yuh everything done in the dark will come to light!! Yuh tink mi a bloody fool! How shi a yuh cousin-law an yuh a stare dung in har yeye like yuh mesmarize soh!
Jahlive: Dere is a reasanable explanaytian fi dis wifie.. eeehhm Nicky beg mi a ride to di restaurant cause har brakes a mek some kina funny soun ..mek di sooun fi har deh Nicky ..
Nicky: Yes di nize soun like dis crrkcrrkcrrkckkrcrrk
Jazz: A lie dem a tell!!! Lick di Red mash mout bway Chayil. Mi seh fi lick im dung!
Fustrated, Nicky rises form her chair and grabs Jazz by her blouse
Nicky: Weh yuh noh come out a wi business big mout gal .. yu waan mi slap yuh side yuh head!
Jahlive: Troo Nicky.. dam brite an eggs up .Shat har a bax deh Nicky a dat di big foot ooman fi get
Jazz: AH WAH DI RA!!...... no – mek mi stay strang cause mi seh mi was gwine bi courtesous tidey . (speaking through clenched teeth). My dear NICKY – I have once before asked that you cease an desist with the physical assualts on my person... please do not force me to repeat myself a third time...
Chayil: (Parting Jazz away from Nicky) Dress back Jazz.. easy ..a troo because mi noh waan noh blood ina Ensom new place yuhnoh. But yuh si when yuh ketch home Mista Jahlive.. is gwine bi DEAT do us part! Yuh watch!
Jazz: (Still taunting Jahlive) Gwey bway yuh dam ears dem cack offa yuh headside like sattalite dish ..Look how yuh teet dem ratten an fayva wen dawg bite bull cow bone an bruk out im teet...
Chayil: (whispering) Tek time Jazz ..yuh noh si people a look pan wi .. mi tink yuh did seh yuh ago cool yuh tempa tideh an bi nice.. is arite mi wi deal wid im
Jazz: Arite mi done now …but mek mi seh dis before mi lef .. Jahlive yuh tink an sumell lakka wen jahncrow jus done nyam dead puss... an yuh lip dem big an fyava chikin liva... nat to menshan de breed ah cak batty weh yuh have wid yuh pance farevva stick up inna yuh batty....gwey dutty bway!!
Chayil Come Jazz ..lef im to time .. come wi lef fram bout yah before wi commit sin. Lata fi yuh Jahlive ..an as fi yuh Nicky .. a buss *ss a wait fi yuh to.
As if to not want to be around the staring eyes, the two ladies left and headed towards the party room.
==========
As they arrived in the party room on the second floor, the DJ was already spinning old hits and chanting to the crowd already on the dance floor.
Panman: A pure vibes a go gwaan ina di place tideh. Tings an tings a gwaan an people a fight gainst dem wan aneda ..so hear wah a difrant movement wi deh pan… dis one reeching out to all crowd a peeple needing a secon chance. ... lissen to dah Dennis brown chune yah! BRAM BRAM!!
Granma2: Dis sounds like my kina partaa, weh Reggae+ deh fi gi mi a rub dung!
A lady strides in the room wid one likkle likkle frock and tall heeled boots.
Lacy: WOOOOIIIEEEEE.... wheel come again!!... mi first bashment inna laaang time. WWOOOIEEEE... (She climbs up on the table and wine her hips as I to give the men a show)
Lacy: Lawd mek mi wipe mi face and adjust dis likkle frock soh mi baggy nuh show
Jazz: LAwd De music NIIICE.. what a nice vibes inna de place - just mek mi heart happy... wan bag ah man an lickle bit a ooman - ah so mi love wen de place stay..
Lacy: Whapen Jazz! Mi did wonda weh yuh be Jazzy... come gyal wheel round mek mi look pon dem cris clothes... And fling di door shut nuh... mi wi waan kip dese man dem fi wi self eeh...
Jazz: Whapen Lacy girl - yuh done know seh mi haffe represent.. yuh ah shack out deh dowe dorling - de rasta mussi gree wid yuh...
The place was getting ram packed and the music had everyone rocking. Couples poured unto the dance floor and the mood was good.
Graashoper: Rope een Jazz ! nuff niceness!
Jazz: whapeen deh grass. Dance nice fi troo. Lawd look how Panni jus ah wine up im likkle batty... hmmm.. it look well firm ..
Grasshopper: ~lol~ Jazz ..Mek mi tun off de light fi yu an mek yu cop a feel ..**grinning**
All in fun, she sneakily walks her way to the light switch and dims the lights lower than it was until it was almost pitch black.
Babydoll: (holding her chest) Oh Lord is who tun aff di light. Lawd mi fraida di dark.. Lawd a fram mi a pickney mi nuh like di dark yuhnoh...
Suddenly there was a loud Scream! The DJ stopped the music and the lights were quickly turned back on.
Panman: A wha a gwan now.. a who dead?!!
Jackie: SMADDY GRAB MI TI-TI DEM.. Smaddy inyah grab it a squeeze squeeze it up !!
Everyone gathered around the terrified lady holding on to her breast. Some did not believe her.
Mire: What a gal LIE!!! A nevah si a oooman love tell untruth soh! If is true yuh telling how hard it is fi grab an pan di smaddy pinkey finga mek im bawl out!
Jackie: Mire, mi no swear pan all dat weave yuh hav on pan yuh head dat is de truth mi a tell!!!.. whoeva it is im finga dem did sink eena mi breas. So mi had to sink fi mi finga dem een deh to fi get roun fi im finga. An mi nails dem lang so mi en up jook jook up miself!
Lawx: Jackie yuh noh know seh yuh fi look before you jook!
Grasshopper: Sarry peeple a mi did tun aff di light fi Jazz feel up di DJ but if a mi like yuh Jackie mi woulda glad fi di free squeeze ~lol~
Leonie: DWL.. Mi would ask dem to tun off di light again an mek di smaddy touch mi some more But Jackie - how you sure a hand touch yuh up… a coulda teeth- yu know the long harse teeth dem. DWL
Blessed: Jackie ah suh di smaddy grab yuh dat all him finga dem ah digg inna you bressisis...if it was me I woulda try fi hole an to im han dem until the light turn on back..den yuh baptize him baxide wid some holy licks!
Britisha: A di debil grab yu Jackie, him mussi did a look fi di perlygates ..wooiiii DWL
ROANWOODBURN: No man dis is serious.. Unu tap di laughing. Jackie yuh shoulda claw im face and yuh shoulda jook out im yeye …den kick im inna im balls! Lawd wat a piece a catastrophe ina Ensom place. Mek mi goh call har fi yuh yuh hear Jackie ..No mine
Alpha: Serious doah Jackie, mi ooda prably tep pan im toe mek im halla out so yuh wudda know a who... Ar bruk im han.yes
Jackie: Fi de firs two secan mi did eena shack. De lights jus go out all af a sudden so, an since a did nuff people pan di dance floor mi jus tan up one place caah noh weh noh deh fi mi move goh…. when mi feel de firs touch, mi when tink say it was a accident caw memba say it did dawk. But when di smaddy staat kneed it like im a mek dumpling, mi staat get suspicious… When di light come back aan mi coulden si nobaddy ah ack funny or nuttn.
Alpha: den is ow yuh memba ebryting so clear? Mine yuh did like it enuh
The resturant owner then arrived inquiring about the matter.
Ensom: Jackie a whapen to yuh now? Who trubble yuh
Jackie: Smaddy inyah tek dem dutty han an fingle up mi bres dem ina di dark an mi waan know a who – awoh!
Ensom: * kiss teet* A dat yuh a complain bout? Mi tek any free feel mi can get. .. sinting like dis happen to mi ina broad daylite back when mi tit-ti dem di nice an purky an mi neva complain
Jackie: So whe yah say, mi shouldan glad say smaddy didda get more dan jus slightly acquainted wid mi titti dem???
Ensom: No mi nat saying dat but still a lickle feel up neva hurt anybady. Arite stay deh so mek I call di security guard weh deh a di door downstairs.
---------------
The security guard soon appeared with his flashlights piercing in the faces of the party crowd.
Bredapa: Nobaddy move ..nobaddy get hurt! Who is di lady dat jus get feel up..step farward!
Jackie: Si mi hear sah!
Bredapa: Ms Ensom dun tell mi yuh story arreddi so mek I ask yuh a few questian now. First ting, Afta yuh realize seh di man a knead yuh titti lika dumplin did yuh say anything out loud like ....”Leggo mi titti Wooiiiee!!! “
Jackie: No mi neva say nuttn caw mi did eena shack fi a minute ..eveyrting haapen so faas
Bredapa: Did di titti kneada make any sounds while mixin yuh flour such as..”wooiee deliva mi fada deliva mi yes yes yeeess” an breathin heavy?
Jackie: Yuh soun like yuh a re-live sumting eno... a wha kina ediat questian dat?
Bredapa: Well mi know why mi ask.. About a year ago dis likkle 82 yr quinge up quinge ole ooman grab mi thigh very close to the Family Goods. Mi did so shack dat mi si cole sweat start run dun mi face. Imagine dis ooman olda dan mi granny to rhatid an shi a try a ting wid mi ..dere is more but mi tink mi share enough
Jackie: Shi show yuh some skin an kill yuh widdie??? huh? DWL. Mek mi stap yaah
Bredapa: Yuh can tan deh tek tings fi joke .. all mi know is mi did afraid seh shi woudda kill har self widdie. Now back to you now.. Look around di place an pint out anybady yuh tink touch touch up yuh ti-ti dem. No care a who ..jus pint dem out!
Jackie: Well mi noh tink a Teoomn do it ..shi freakish but mi noh tink shi woulda so bole… Well mi tink a BIG HEAD do it! (pointing to a man standing away from the crowd) I doan particluarly like dat big bway
Bredpa: Who im? Im look guilty yes.. come here BIG HEAD! .. what is yuh real name anyway?
Bigbooie: Dem call mi Bigbooie sar ..nat to be confused wid BigDaddy78.
Bredapa: Shi seh shi tink a yuh do it.. yuh guilty as charged?
Bigbooie: Watch yah man.. Mi si di light lock off and tru mi frighten mi grab on pon di closest ting mi can reach sar! Mi grab on pon some ting whe feel like one little old flowwa bag wid rock stone inna it ...All off a sudden mi hand start squeeze mi like one big hawk bird pitch pon it and jah know it hurt mi bad....mi did a dead fi di light come back aan an mi did a try lego di bag but di big graaawwning claw dem a hold mi hand pon di old flowwa bag..I was so scared. When di light come on mi hand look like summaddi di cut mi up wid a raza blade
Jackie: A waan gi yuh two tump yuh si big head bwaay!
Bigbooie: Afta mi neva know seh a titit mi did a feel...Now dat mi know seh a fi yuh claw dem ina mi finga mi haffi goh tek antibiatics and couple horse pill and some ganja tea before hair start grow inna mi hand middle..
Bredapa: Nat so faas my yute.. yuh coming wid mi. Leave di dance now sar!
Bigbooie: Seh wah?? Mi pay my big money fi come inyah an yuh a tell mi fi lef?! Yuh mussi mad no blood fyah!
Bredapa: Oyyee Yute noh mek mi haffi plant mi size 22 ina yuh baxide!….di dance did free so mi noh know wha kina money yuh a talk bout. Yuh coulda a win any lyad cantest how yuh lie. (escorting him away) COME MAN – OUT!!
PinkeyLou: Yes Kick im out gaurdi! Dat fi teach dat OLE FART a lesson! Dats why dem call im “Charlie Matrass" roun yah .. love fingle up an lie dung wid people any which part im goh! Kick im out!!
The man was escorted out with the crowd looking on and giggling.
Ensom: Lawd mi caan tek no more canfusian fi di night.. Disyah Gran opening tun ina one Gigantic drama..di laas time mi have so much drama a when lizzad tek up residence ina mi truck. o/.. Jackie yuh aright?
Jackie: Mi lickle bit arite yuhnoh .. a jus dat mi ti-ti ina pain caw im whenna hangle it rough
Ensom: Arite love ..no mine. Anytime yuh feel like yuh waan come back to di resturant fi a free dinna jus fi yuh traumatization dat is fine ..but memba mi seh one meal! Yuh ave a way fi tek inch tun ina furlang an a half!
Jackie: Well atleast mi can laugh at it now… But aff all persons fi come touch mi up eeh? What a brite ole pin head bway bout im tink mi breas a flowwa bag..cho!
Britisha: A hope you resolve dis ina yu mine Jackie, mi glad seh a wassn nuttn wussa dan dis. Chalk it up to hexperience, and move along Bigbooie gaan bout im bisness now. Jus gwaan enjay yuhself fi di res a night yuh hear
Esnom:Arite mista DJ gwaan play di music again .. everyting sekkle now. (Turning to the crowd).. Tank yuh all again fi coming out to dis wanduful occasion an beg unu fi unu cantinued patronige. **blow kiss**
Panman: Arite people sarry fi di interruptian…mi ago play a Rick James dedicated to mi fren Jackie weh jus get feel up in a di dawk seen…sarry mi sistren.. Dis one is fi yuh straight fram di heart
She's a very kinky girl
The kind you don't take home to mother
She will never let your spirits down
Once you get her off the street..
That girl's all right with me,
yeah She's a super freak, super freak
She's super-freaky, yow Super freak,
super freak
Ohhhhh Super freak, super freak
That girl's a super freak Ohhhhh
She's a very kinky girl
The kind you don't take home to mother
She will never let your spirits down
Once you get her off the street
Everyone starting laughing at the DJ’s selection …
Jackie: Ah how one group a people can tan bad so man????
**They danced the rest of night til the early morn…**
THE END
[This message has been edited by Wendy (edited 08-10-2001).]
The flyers read:
GRAND OPENING OF ENSOM’S WAN STAP BICKLE SHAP &CLUB
Doors open at 7 pm sharp! Plenty food and entertainment and such delights. Bring yuh woman, yuh husban, yuh matie, nuff money but lef di pickney dem a yuh yaad! Coming out party start at 11 pm til 2 am. BE THERE OR DOAN CHAT TO MI AGAIN
The excited, but nervous entrepreneur received a phone call early one morning from her Aunt living out of State:
Ensom: Ello, Ensom speaking
Leonie: Wutlis gal Ensom.. mi hear seh yuh a open cook shop? Mi no care what it name tell me when it a open so mi can set mi reservation fi fly dung deh.
Ensom: Yes Auntie Leonie mi a try a ting ..Di 9 to 5 a Walmart wid people telling mi whe fi duh a noh fi mi. Dem people deh too dam fesity fi my liking…
Leonie: Mi glad fi yuh so til mi caan even talk… Mi hear sey a fire dem fire yuh mek yuh lef Walmart - a troo?
Ensom: A troo ting but afta mi noh care .. dem know weh fi go stuff dem dutty jab! Dats why I write up mi business plan fi get dis restaurant ting going
Leonie: Den Ensom a teif yuh teif dem mek dem fire yuh?
Ensom: Teif? A wah Walmart have fi mi tief fram dem?.. Di Maniga piss mi aff an spray di place wid bress milk. Mi jus hole up mi ti-ti dem like a Ak47 gun an start fiya! Breas milk all ova di place!
Leonie: Seh wah?? (laughing) Lawd what is dis .Well mi did have one Grace thrillers concert fi go dis weeken but dis opening caan miss mi. Mek mi go call di airline an goh tek some Solomon's herb wash out cause di way mi plan fi nyam mi mite all bus out mi pants kratches.
Ensom: Arite Auntie mi caan wait fi si yuh.. (she hangs up) if shi tink shi a come mi place come nyam fi free cause shi name fambily ..shi mek a sad mistake
A couple of patrons had come in for a sit down breakfast at Jazz’ restaurant that morning.
Chayil: Marning Mi ‘swoosh sista..how yuh do?
Jazz: Nat a ting misis..mi deh yah pan di hard wok as usual..Everyting arite.. tidey mi a mek a resolutian to be nice and courteous to everybady... even if dem provoke mi.
**They all sat themselves around a table.**
Ackeegirl: Dats good JJ.. BTW yuh hear bout Ensom gran opening af di New club and restaurant? Yuh naah fret sey shi ago run yuh outta business.. yuh know how dem peeple ina di community kin ketch fire when dem si new tings!
Jazz: Mi naah fret yuh noh.. Is one ting I know. Ensom is a good friend... very nice lady...but di ooman caan cook a baxide! Yuh eva go a yaad yet an taste har food!
Ackeegirl: Mi go a yaard one an two time fi seh hello but mi neva nyam har food yet... Den a soh har food tan bad Jazz?
Jazz: Misis as yuh tep ina har yaad is “try some of this juice... it's my very own coconut rind mixed with pureed potatoes with a splash of lime" - LAWD gi mi Strent! o/. Now mi si har a open up restaurant an Gad eeh knows shi ago tan yah an pizen aff every soul pan eart!
UnderCover: So mek yuh noh tell di ooman shi caan cook – yuh fraida har?
Jazz: MI? No sah! mi nuh waan hurt Ensom feelings ..unu know how shi ignorant an tan arredi
Chayil: Lawd mi nuh tink Ensom ah guh feel too good fi know yuh ah chat bout har.. Dis wan tough .. mi woulda tell yuh fi have a heart to heart talk wid har but she might tek it wrang an nuh waan chat tuh yuh agen.. yuh know how Ensom fi eva a malice aff people. One minute yuh an har a fren nex minute shi a look fight wid yuh. Mek har tan yaah
UnderCover: **kiss teet** Tell har! tell har mi seh!...if oonu a ital fren yuh nuh suppose to feel no way fi tell har di troot, if it hurt har, she naah dead...no time fi pet and powda when yu waan get di metchis acrass!
Ackeegirl: A soh mi sey to UG.. tell har di troot. Jus sey to har "Ensom...I know you love to cook, but I think your talents could be best utilized if you took up hairdressing instead. There are nuff Nappy head people in di community. Become a hairdressa an build up a clientele." .. If dat don't work, send har a ransom note like dis (she writes it down): EnSoM mE SArri Fe tElL YuH dIs, bUt U cYaNt cOoK A fAwT.
Susanna: AckeeGirl DWL ..girl yuh crazy! Jazzy, I feel for you. But mi caan beilieve yuh nyam a di ooman yaad an all now yuh noh tell har sey shi caan cook! If yuh tell har now dat shi plan fi open up big restaurant shi agao tink yuh jealous or badmine.
Granma2: True ting.. mi woulden tell har.Mek har fall dung flat pan har face! If yuh feel sarry fi har den yuh can lif har up! But a bet sey business ago good fi har! Dem yah people roun yah wi nyam anyting an call it good! DWL!
Jazz: Mi noh know yaah ..mek shi tan. Mi wi wish har well cause mi nuh waan si har pickney dem outta road ah starve...cause it noh look like Preshafut a mine dem.
Ackeegirl: Arite yuh have a pint bout di pickney dem..Dem nose always nassy and dem teet noh look like dem teet brush since dem barn. .. mek har stay. We will jus wish har di bes. So yuh going to di opening Jazz?
Jazz: Yuh noh hear mi sey mi caan tek how di ooman food taste! Mi nat going! An mi tink unu fi tan a unu yaad to! If unu want unu can come a mi place lata mek mi cook a good meal fi unu.
Chayil: YUH MAD! DIS NAAH MISS WI!! Fi mi boot well puddung fi tek in di scene tinite!
Jazz: Unu galang! A hope when running belly tek unu a marning unu noh come yah fi noh seressi!.. Mi nat sarrying fi unu! **cut yeye** **pout mout**
----------------------
Meanwhile in a house on DearK Lane:
Babydoll: I have to get out tonight to that club. Mi tired fi siddung inyah an nursing mi pain ova mi dream up man..mi have to get dis bad karma fram mi behine!
Mountaingal: I hear yuh Babydoll, mi tink mi going to but mi need some lessons in flirting cause a nuff man a go deh deh tinite mi can bet.
Grasshopper: Mountain ..it woulda suit yuh betta fi goh read up pan some current affairs so yuh can have sinting fi chat bout before yuh flirt wid nobaddy.
Mountaingal: Excuse you! Afta mi naah look fi noh relationship.. mi noh date cause mi have pickney fi raise...mi jus wan compliment di man dem dats all. Ascarding to mi madda, flirtin is fun. Wha kina compliment yu woulda gi a man?
Lacy: Depens pan what im look like
Grasshopper: Jus tell im sey im shoes look nice an dat im smell good , especially if im a rub up pan yuh ina di club. All yuh do is walk far fram di one name Smutty Mutty.. Im waan woman fi give up di treasure chest an have wile sex wid im wid no strings attached. **brite**
Brownie: Yuh can sey dat again Grass…Nowadays yuh cyan fine a man wid good morals. Nobaddy open up doors , pull out yuh chair , gi up dem seat pan di bus a marning time ..
Grasshopper: But a weh dis ooman a chat sey? .Brownie wah dat haffi do wid anyting?
Brownie: Nutten .. mi was jus saying people noh have morals an look how much church pan street carna.
Babydoll: Lawd Brownie tap yuh nize! When yuh fine a man den yuh can chat bout morals!
Mountaingal: So wi going ar nat? Mi can get mi bredda fi carry all a wi ina im big truck
Lacy: Weh yuh bredda look like! **kin teet**
Grasshopper: Lawd Lacy a di lickle ride wi want it noh matta.. yes wi going.. tell im fi pick wi up right a Spirituality BLVD.
-------------
At the BASHMENT CENTRAL MALL a group of friends were shopping for their outfits. The friends were contemplating what to purchase to wear to the grand opening event.
Lawx: Pinkey anyting good pan dah clearance rack deh?
PinkeyLou: Yes man . mi si some nice catten sharts fi $9.99… an panty fi 3 fi 99 cents
Lawx: Me ah mek it clear from now yuh noh Pinkey.. Nylons and shorts is a fashion no-no
An noh buy noh red baggy if a white sharts yuh a wear!
Slimsexy: DWL an Pinkey please to GET PEDICURE IF YUH WEARING DEM SANDALS DEH .....PLEEEEEEASE!! an LOTION YUH ASHY FOOT DEM BEFORE YUH PUT ON DI SHORTS!!
Lawx: Slim yuh noh have noh place fi a criticize nobaddy enoh.. If you decide fi wear any shart skirt tinite, mek sure you siddung and cross you legs dem in a dainty manner. Nuh bodda liff up you foot like you a clear hurdle. Remember, blindness caan cure! An beg yuh mek sure yuh goh buy new makeup ..dat deh light shade mek yuh fava duppy inna daylight.
PinkelyLou: Hole on deh!! before mi wear mi slippas, yuh waan mi fi goh pen money a get petticure? Unu lucky! If yuh nuh interested ina mi bunions dem, jus hole yuh head straight!!! **cutyeye** Before mi go spen mi money pan pedicure mi drag an mi socks wid mi sandals an galang a di party same soh
BLOZ: Pinkey A ole time-ish dem ole time-ish! Dem nuh know style! Unu noh know seh Nike slippas an Reebok socks can wear??
Jackie: Pinkey and Bloz unu serious!!: Dat is de heights of tackiness!!!! Tackia dan dat yuh cannat find!!!! Oonuu should be crowned de reigning rulers of Tackiedom!!!!.. Beg yuh ol awn tight pon yuh man - caw nobady else nah go look pon yuh wid yuh dutty socks an ben up sandals ~lol~
Britisha: But Pinkey speaking of slippas, mek mi carry yuh dunga Payless fi buy yuh wan new pair a slippas, dem sitting deh wid di heel dem lean like di tower a Pizza fi dash weh now....
PinkeyLou: UNU GOH DEAD A BUSH!! Mi naah goh a di opening fi look nobaddy. Mi a go deh wid mi ben up boot an mi black toe dem same way. Unu galang!
-----------
It took forever for the sun to go down but when it did the heat from the day was still lingering. The balloons and ribbons at the entrance of the new restaurant were colorful. Soon after 7 pm a long line of people was forming out side the restaurant. The sound of the hired disco could be heard echoing for miles. People packed into the restaurant in numbers fighting to get a table before they were all taken. One group found a big enough table for a large party table in a corner.
Esom: Welcome to Ensom ‘One stap Bickle Shap an Club’ ladies. Someone will be here to serve you shortly. Hole tite and tanks fi coming out to mi gran openening
EP: Oh Lord Ensom dis heat is unbearable! (wiping sweat) beg yuh likkle beverage nuh....no badda use nuh white suga.....an put enough lime an sible orange in hit...mikase mi is about to pass out..
Indira: What a place hot fi true! man, mi almost melt pan di sidewalk a try get ina di place. Nat wan drap a "cool breeze" unless a car flyin by pan di street…it soh hot an hazy! woyyeeee!! (fanning)
Ensom: Sarry about di heat ladies .. Mi wi tun up di fan fi unu .. di AC noh put in a di resturant yet. Afta mi pay di builda di fuss mont installemnt den mi wi get AC..so bear wid mi licke bit
Jambeauty: SACRISE! NO AC???! Indira an Ep unno do noh siddung so close tuh mi man…dress dung lickle bit mek likle breeze paas troo.
EP: Ensom I am waiting .. hurry up wid di lickle beverage noh!
Ensom: EP mi a big restaurant owna now an mi noh serve drinks. Hole an mek mi get di watress fi gi yuh something fi drink .. unu enjay unu food an ting. Mek mi go tend to adda mattas ina di kitchen.
(She left to get a waitress for the table)
Indira: Den tuffy a what dat yuh gat ina dat deh big ole bag unda yuh arm.
Tuffstuff: Mi cum wid mi own tubbaware. Mi nuh wan haffi mek Ensom food waste… so mi come prepare seh as mi a** done nyam mi crape up mi food an carry goh a mi yaad
Indira: So yu a wan a dem dat love nyam an leff? Yuh come in like mi cousin .. always walk wid har hungry belly self an full up ar backside an quick fi leff
Tuffstuff: Please to get it rite…is nyam an scram! Yuh can gwaan talk.. as di bickle done mi gaan a mi yaad go fowl uppa unda di covas
Indira: Yuh naah stay fi di coming out party?
Tuffstuff: Lawks! Den a mek dem a call it ‘coming out sessian’? Mek mi tink seh smaddy did a guh hexpoas wan gay smaddy outta di klasit. ... Mi naah stay dowe.. mi wi tan yah dance out di lickle food an quick time white squall a tear up mi mout carna again. Unu check out dem price weh deh pan di menu? Mi caan afford fi buy food all nite. Mi noh know a how Ensom get so teif!
Cntrygal: Well mi ready fi eat an mi ago dance til mi foot bruck aff tenite.. a weh di waita deh fi wait pan wi table.? Look fram when Ensom gaan get serva!! Service inyah slow eeh man ..cho!
Jambeauty: It look like a im dis a come ina wan shart up pants Cntry. Ensom coulden buy dessent unifarm fi di waita dem wear? Ketch di pants noh ..waiiiii DWL
Bimini: Hi dere ladies. Mi suppose dat unnu looks pan de menu an knows whats unu wants.
PinkeyLou: Mine yuh Speeky-Spokey and slip an cuss badwod yaah maasa .. tek time an tap mash up di Hinglish langwage soh!
TuffStuff: DWL ..woooeeee if a laugh a pap!.. (mocking the waiter) As a matter of foc I does not know what I wonts.Waita can yuh run down di specials fur me?
Bimini:
ANYWAY! Wi have Dumplins staat at 2 dollaz ah piece an so fort..It have weabel in deh but doan mine it..di cheapest ting wha deh pan di menu is dumplin. Den wi have fresh squeezed bax juice, Callaloo jus fresh outta di can... Hice Cream wah mek outta baby farmula.Cntrygal: Di Sun hat mussi bun up unu brains...$2 fe a fry dumplin??? lard a massa unu teef inya bad!
Bimini: Di food price dem higher cause dis is a very ‘Uppity Scale’ restaurant mam .. Dis nat like di lickle ole Shap dat Jazz have a lean pan di side like it out fi pap dung.
Ep25:Wha kina payment dem tek in here waita
Bimini: Anyting but food stamp… wi doan accept food stamp an contafeit money an please to please mek yuh payment in 20 dolla denomalayshun.
Ackeegirl: Waita, oonu don't hexpeck mi fi eat dem deh breeda hard foood inna dis yah heat .. unu don't have any salads and any coconut watah?
Bimini Boy: (with a bad attitude)No wi doan have noh cocanat wata ..unless yuh waan mi climb pan di store tap an pick cocanat gi yuh...heveryting wi have in di restaurant is ready made mam! Yuh can get di salad but a so-so lettuce leaf yuh ago get.
Ackeegirl: You are having one of those "I hate my job" days huh? I would advise yuh to
Goh purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip" an clear out what is stuffing yuh up.
Simmy: (with mouth wide open) Oh NO shi didnt!!!!.. Lawd Ackeegirl tek time wid im.. waaiii mi ago DWL.. Hush Waita ah so dem tan..dem like di hexcitement an luv fi argue han create all kinda fawt. Jus serve mi up 2 a di dumplin an callalo an some irish mosh fi was dat dung
Bimini: (under his breat) what a lickle bugga craven like puss. Is dat all for you Mam?
Simmy: Yes waita … but mek a ask yuh somting, since mi orda nuff tings, mi wonda hiff mi caan get wan a dem cute ooman ganzy unu hav fi di gran opening trow een fi free.
Bimini: Di ganzi dem is fi sell.If yuh waan free ganzi yuh haffi enta talent contest….but seeing as yuh look like smaddy weh only good fi nyam …di chances a yuh winning di t-chirt is nill.
Simmy But si yah! No make mi tek aff dis table Klaat an heng yuh up pan di celing yuh noh feisty bway!
Ackeegirl (standing up between the two)Waita jus leave an go get di food fi mi noh.. wi doan want any more trouble here. Tank yuh.
As the waiter walks away he mumbles to himself:
Bimini: Dam set a columbo dem! All dat deh big Ackee seed yeye wan look like shi nat even know how fi iron clothes ..come inyah feva dem blastid crush callaloo
---------
Meanwhile…
A woman seated by hereself looked very impatient as she sipped on her Pina Colada drink. She appeared to be glancing at the clock with each sip.
Pepper: A weh dis Ultra Gasoline dead stock man mi have deh dowe eeh!! .. cho! Look how im mek people start stare pon me an all di sercurity guard a watch me. .**kiss teet** .. Oh ..si di big belly bugga a come yah
High Octane: Good eveling Peppa ..sarry mi late suga plum .. but mi noh know a wha kina directian dat yuh gi mi fine disyah resturant!
Peppa: How yuh mean? Mi gi yuh good good directian..an mi caan believe seh a di big ole tractor traila yuh tek come yah.. dis is so embarassing!
HO: Good directian which part?! **kiss teet** Yuh sen mi down a street wid low tree mek mi tear off tree branch an leff dem pon di road .. afta mi drive roun an roun ina circle-mi finaly ketch yah!
Pepper: *Kiss teet** unu man can neva tek good directian yet.. Yuh hungry cause mi ready fi arda.
HO: Yes man ..mi hungry like a lion! Call di waitress mek mi orda up some drinks an food.
Pepper: Spptt..Hi waitress.. over here please! Ready to order mam
Nisa: Yes Mistress an sar what can I serve you today.
Pepper: Mek I ask yuh somting waitress.. yuh sell Jacrow meat in here?
Nisa: Excuse mi miss! Yuh seh Jackrow meat?!
Pepper: Yes - an tap pap out yuh yeye dem soh! .. Isn't jancrow meat a delicacy? Just right for an elegant restaurant like dis
Nisa: Mam di place elegant an all but anless wan daag dead inyah wi noh have noh jancrow fi serve.
Pepper: **kiss teet** mi gwine have to talk to Ensom bout dis.. Yuh caan a go stylish restaurant an dem noh have Jancrow meat pan di menu. Well den, dis gimme one soda ina di can and one pack a shirley biscuit since as noh Jancrow meat noh deh yah. Mi noh feel fi nutten heavy fi nyam again..
Nisa: Wi doan have Shirley biscuit mam but yuh can have apple, banana, naseberrry, or a granola bar fram di snack shap if yuh waan something light fi eat.
Pepper: **kiss teet** No badda ..mi apetite change.. mi noh waan nutten again
HO: Lawd! Peppa if mi fi describe yuh ina one sentence it woulda bi cantankurus, nagging an itchy an full a labba mout ! Jus cool yuh foot an arda wan dinna..di lady seh dem noh cook Jancrow ina dem pat… yuh caan hear?!
Pepper: Mi doan want anyting mi seh! An if mi dat itchy yuh betta lef mi before yuh ketch flea ina yuh behine! It betta mi did tek miself goh Home Depot tinite go ketch wan desent man dan deh yah bout mi deh pan date.
HO: Cho! Yuh a waste a time .. Waitres jus serve mi a bakkle a Heinekin an a plate jerk pork an bring some hot pepper sauce pan di side.
After a few minutes the waitres came back to the table with food on a tray.
Nisa: Here you go sir (putting down the food and the sauce) .
HO: Lady a Tobasco sauce yuh carry gi mi fi hot sauce!! .. Yuh mussi a sniff coke! ..Unu noh si a pure tomatoe mek up disyah sinting..nat a drap a peppa ina di ingredients to baxide! Beg yuh carry dis back weh it a come fram fi mi.. No tanks.. mi wi go ina mi truck an get mi own hot pepper sauce!
With that he left the table to go back to his truck to get the hot sauce. When he returned to the table, his date was gone. She had left the restuarant and gone home furious and up in arms.
HO: Ain’t this some s****! ..a weh she gaan now?.. ahh sah..a tell yuh bout WOMAN!!
He sat an poured his hot sauce on his food and enjoyed his meal by himslef.
-----------
A couple minutes later a tall, slender hippy looking man walks in the restaurant solo and wandering around the crowded restaurant digging his nose. He caught the eyes of some ladies seated around a small round table.
Lawx: Aah bway..look ova desyso pan dah deh mawga bway deh. Now is what compell im fi come dress up inna muscle t-shirt fe show off im ribcage!! Im coulden fine siting dessent fi wear di occassian? But what is dis ..
Afimi2: Den ketch di yellow holie, holie marina to noh.. an di evalasting Tammy Hillfigure shawts dem and di jesas slippas dem whe walk dung to nuuten!!!
C-brownin: Den im a wear di sleeveless sinting an nat even shave im arm pit! Dat is so gross!! A which back a bush im come fram!
Afimi2: Look all pan di black pawt a di toe nail dem.. Sinting dem loo like dem buck off!!! Now WHA MEK im insist on wearing slippas wid dem dey krusty toenail dey?
The man calmly walked over to the table as if he heard what the ladies were chit-chatting about:
Possum: What all this fuss bout me? Haint youins sweet. Fer youins information tho, I from East Tennessee. I want you to kno that ole Possum is foot loose an fancy FREE! Ole Possum don’t wash feet til moonrise. You folks may say I favor a mangoose but Youins don’t know how we roll ova the hills of East Tennessee! Jus so ya’ll know - Possum hollered . Peace!
(With that, he continued walking wondering around and picking his nose.)
Afimi2: : What the hell was that about!
Lawx: Doan ask .. sinting clearly wrang wid fi im head.. Ensom need fi have dress code ..shi caan have mad people a walk inyah looking like traila trash.
------------------
At one of the tables a known married man and his sweetheart was getting ready to place their orders. The waitress was seemingly having a hard time with the two patrons:
Nisa: Would you like mi to repeat the entrees again sar?
Jahlive: Yes baby.. yuh did a talk too faas an mi neva get it down too good.
Nisa: Arite lissen up an lissen good! Fi dinna yuh can get Black yeye peas soup, ockro an fish fiesta, an stew goat and rice and peas
Jahlive: Ms Nisa.. is wha name stew goat baby???
Nisa: Stew goat ah goat widdout de curry!!!..(under her breath) cho! people can hignorant eeeeh
Jahlive: Cho mi neva know dat.. Well dat soun good deh babes. Sell mi 2 arda a stew goat fi mi an mi Sweetheart Nicky.
She submitted the order and came back a few minutes after with the dinners. The man did not like what he saw.
Jahlive: Is wha kina lickle bit a food dis unu a serve big man! Is why yuh so stingy wid di meat Ms Nisa? Is like unu tink unu a Jesas a tek di stew goat an a feed di multitudes.
Nisa: Lissen sar noh mek me taebo yuh baxide inyah tidey yuh noh, me is certified ina LA Fitness!
so if yuh know wah good fi yuh, yuh satisfy wid what yuh get!
Jahlive: But si yah ooman ..mi did tink yuh a chuch going ooman. An look how yuh a offa mi kick dung! Call Di Maniga!!.. A fram marning mi noh nyam nutten a wait pan gran opening an mi well raw .. MI SEH FI CALL DI MANIGA!
NickyTheTricky: Honey darling is OK.. never mind let’s just eat what we have. Mi noh dat ungry anyway..Jus arda mi a drink of Poonci Kunta
Jahlive: KUNTA KENTE WAH? Sweetheart dem sell D&G Soda here yuh noh …plus memba dacta sey di farrin liquor wi mash up yuh inside structa…
NickyTheTricky: Arite mam since mi darling seh mi caan have di liqua, pass mi a sky juice!
Jahlive: Yes waitress sell har a sky juice.. ..di cheapes one unu hav
Nisa: Wi doan have anyting name sky juice sar.. shi can have Pinapple juice or Mango juice. An dat is $2.50 each sar.
Jahlive: Kiss mi false teet!! $2.50?! .. (turning to Nicky) Baby doan dacta seh yuh muss drink more wata fi flush out yuh system?
NickyTheTricky: A shoulda know betta dan mek yuh cheap hehine carry mi out fi dinna tideh! Mi noh waan noh wata! Waitress bring mi siting fi drink puleeze. Mi out fi get heat stroke, if mi nuh jink sumpin soon!!
*******************
At around 10 pm two well dressed ladies entered the doors of the resturant. They seem to be looking around and admiring the ambiance.
Chayil: Jazz yuh noh glad yuh come .. look how di place nice an di food smell so good
Jazz: Di place kina look respectable still but mi naah nyam nuttten fram yah as lang as a Ensom cook.
Chayil: Well yuh noh haffi eat but try yuh bes enjoy yuh self. Ketch man ina di place man! If I knew what I know now I would wear dat body suit inna mi closet an drink a V8 before mi come.
Jazz: If mi did know what I know now seh nuff man was gwine deh bout mi woulda floss mi teet, wear control top an put a mi edible drawz.
Chayil: Sometimes yuh worrry mi yuhnoh Jazz. Yuh arite?
Jazz: Yeah man mi cool.. Mi going to keep mi resolutian to bi nice tidey.. jus waan dance to 2 rub-a-dub now
**Somthing caught the eyes of one of the ladies.**
Chayil: Hell no! oooh HELL NO!
Jazz What it is mi swoosh sista?! A wha?!
Chayil: Is dat mi man wid Nicky ova deh so a wine an dine?
Jazz: Dat liad skeezing wretch!! Go ova deh goh buss di dutty red bway baxide chayil!
[/b] Chayil:[/b] Ole an deh mek a ile dung mi fayce wid vaseline.. Hole mi aize ring fi mi deh Jazz
The two women angrily walk over to the table where the man and his date were seated:
Chayil: Yes Mista Jahlive! So yuh a kip Nicky wid mi pan di side eeh?!
Jahlive: (frightned and baffeld) Oh I dere mi baby Chayil .. what ..how.. errr.. No man is mi cousin -in law dis..what yuh doing here darling.. mi tink yuh was gwine stay home wid di pickney dem..
Chayil: Yuh tink a now mi a tell yuh everything done in the dark will come to light!! Yuh tink mi a bloody fool! How shi a yuh cousin-law an yuh a stare dung in har yeye like yuh mesmarize soh!
Jahlive: Dere is a reasanable explanaytian fi dis wifie.. eeehhm Nicky beg mi a ride to di restaurant cause har brakes a mek some kina funny soun ..mek di sooun fi har deh Nicky ..
Nicky: Yes di nize soun like dis crrkcrrkcrrkckkrcrrk
Jazz: A lie dem a tell!!! Lick di Red mash mout bway Chayil. Mi seh fi lick im dung!
Fustrated, Nicky rises form her chair and grabs Jazz by her blouse
Nicky: Weh yuh noh come out a wi business big mout gal .. yu waan mi slap yuh side yuh head!
Jahlive: Troo Nicky.. dam brite an eggs up .Shat har a bax deh Nicky a dat di big foot ooman fi get
Jazz: AH WAH DI RA!!...... no – mek mi stay strang cause mi seh mi was gwine bi courtesous tidey . (speaking through clenched teeth). My dear NICKY – I have once before asked that you cease an desist with the physical assualts on my person... please do not force me to repeat myself a third time...
Chayil: (Parting Jazz away from Nicky) Dress back Jazz.. easy ..a troo because mi noh waan noh blood ina Ensom new place yuhnoh. But yuh si when yuh ketch home Mista Jahlive.. is gwine bi DEAT do us part! Yuh watch!
Jazz: (Still taunting Jahlive) Gwey bway yuh dam ears dem cack offa yuh headside like sattalite dish ..Look how yuh teet dem ratten an fayva wen dawg bite bull cow bone an bruk out im teet...
Chayil: (whispering) Tek time Jazz ..yuh noh si people a look pan wi .. mi tink yuh did seh yuh ago cool yuh tempa tideh an bi nice.. is arite mi wi deal wid im
Jazz: Arite mi done now …but mek mi seh dis before mi lef .. Jahlive yuh tink an sumell lakka wen jahncrow jus done nyam dead puss... an yuh lip dem big an fyava chikin liva... nat to menshan de breed ah cak batty weh yuh have wid yuh pance farevva stick up inna yuh batty....gwey dutty bway!!
Chayil Come Jazz ..lef im to time .. come wi lef fram bout yah before wi commit sin. Lata fi yuh Jahlive ..an as fi yuh Nicky .. a buss *ss a wait fi yuh to.
As if to not want to be around the staring eyes, the two ladies left and headed towards the party room.
==========
As they arrived in the party room on the second floor, the DJ was already spinning old hits and chanting to the crowd already on the dance floor.
Panman: A pure vibes a go gwaan ina di place tideh. Tings an tings a gwaan an people a fight gainst dem wan aneda ..so hear wah a difrant movement wi deh pan… dis one reeching out to all crowd a peeple needing a secon chance. ... lissen to dah Dennis brown chune yah! BRAM BRAM!!
Granma2: Dis sounds like my kina partaa, weh Reggae+ deh fi gi mi a rub dung!
A lady strides in the room wid one likkle likkle frock and tall heeled boots.
Lacy: WOOOOIIIEEEEE.... wheel come again!!... mi first bashment inna laaang time. WWOOOIEEEE... (She climbs up on the table and wine her hips as I to give the men a show)
Lacy: Lawd mek mi wipe mi face and adjust dis likkle frock soh mi baggy nuh show
Jazz: LAwd De music NIIICE.. what a nice vibes inna de place - just mek mi heart happy... wan bag ah man an lickle bit a ooman - ah so mi love wen de place stay..
Lacy: Whapen Jazz! Mi did wonda weh yuh be Jazzy... come gyal wheel round mek mi look pon dem cris clothes... And fling di door shut nuh... mi wi waan kip dese man dem fi wi self eeh...
Jazz: Whapen Lacy girl - yuh done know seh mi haffe represent.. yuh ah shack out deh dowe dorling - de rasta mussi gree wid yuh...
The place was getting ram packed and the music had everyone rocking. Couples poured unto the dance floor and the mood was good.
Graashoper: Rope een Jazz ! nuff niceness!
Jazz: whapeen deh grass. Dance nice fi troo. Lawd look how Panni jus ah wine up im likkle batty... hmmm.. it look well firm ..
Grasshopper: ~lol~ Jazz ..Mek mi tun off de light fi yu an mek yu cop a feel ..**grinning**
All in fun, she sneakily walks her way to the light switch and dims the lights lower than it was until it was almost pitch black.
Babydoll: (holding her chest) Oh Lord is who tun aff di light. Lawd mi fraida di dark.. Lawd a fram mi a pickney mi nuh like di dark yuhnoh...
Suddenly there was a loud Scream! The DJ stopped the music and the lights were quickly turned back on.
Panman: A wha a gwan now.. a who dead?!!
Jackie: SMADDY GRAB MI TI-TI DEM.. Smaddy inyah grab it a squeeze squeeze it up !!
Everyone gathered around the terrified lady holding on to her breast. Some did not believe her.
Mire: What a gal LIE!!! A nevah si a oooman love tell untruth soh! If is true yuh telling how hard it is fi grab an pan di smaddy pinkey finga mek im bawl out!
Jackie: Mire, mi no swear pan all dat weave yuh hav on pan yuh head dat is de truth mi a tell!!!.. whoeva it is im finga dem did sink eena mi breas. So mi had to sink fi mi finga dem een deh to fi get roun fi im finga. An mi nails dem lang so mi en up jook jook up miself!
Lawx: Jackie yuh noh know seh yuh fi look before you jook!
Grasshopper: Sarry peeple a mi did tun aff di light fi Jazz feel up di DJ but if a mi like yuh Jackie mi woulda glad fi di free squeeze ~lol~
Leonie: DWL.. Mi would ask dem to tun off di light again an mek di smaddy touch mi some more But Jackie - how you sure a hand touch yuh up… a coulda teeth- yu know the long harse teeth dem. DWL
Blessed: Jackie ah suh di smaddy grab yuh dat all him finga dem ah digg inna you bressisis...if it was me I woulda try fi hole an to im han dem until the light turn on back..den yuh baptize him baxide wid some holy licks!
Britisha: A di debil grab yu Jackie, him mussi did a look fi di perlygates ..wooiiii DWL
ROANWOODBURN: No man dis is serious.. Unu tap di laughing. Jackie yuh shoulda claw im face and yuh shoulda jook out im yeye …den kick im inna im balls! Lawd wat a piece a catastrophe ina Ensom place. Mek mi goh call har fi yuh yuh hear Jackie ..No mine
Alpha: Serious doah Jackie, mi ooda prably tep pan im toe mek im halla out so yuh wudda know a who... Ar bruk im han.yes
Jackie: Fi de firs two secan mi did eena shack. De lights jus go out all af a sudden so, an since a did nuff people pan di dance floor mi jus tan up one place caah noh weh noh deh fi mi move goh…. when mi feel de firs touch, mi when tink say it was a accident caw memba say it did dawk. But when di smaddy staat kneed it like im a mek dumpling, mi staat get suspicious… When di light come back aan mi coulden si nobaddy ah ack funny or nuttn.
Alpha: den is ow yuh memba ebryting so clear? Mine yuh did like it enuh
The resturant owner then arrived inquiring about the matter.
Ensom: Jackie a whapen to yuh now? Who trubble yuh
Jackie: Smaddy inyah tek dem dutty han an fingle up mi bres dem ina di dark an mi waan know a who – awoh!
Ensom: * kiss teet* A dat yuh a complain bout? Mi tek any free feel mi can get. .. sinting like dis happen to mi ina broad daylite back when mi tit-ti dem di nice an purky an mi neva complain
Jackie: So whe yah say, mi shouldan glad say smaddy didda get more dan jus slightly acquainted wid mi titti dem???
Ensom: No mi nat saying dat but still a lickle feel up neva hurt anybady. Arite stay deh so mek I call di security guard weh deh a di door downstairs.
---------------
The security guard soon appeared with his flashlights piercing in the faces of the party crowd.
Bredapa: Nobaddy move ..nobaddy get hurt! Who is di lady dat jus get feel up..step farward!
Jackie: Si mi hear sah!
Bredapa: Ms Ensom dun tell mi yuh story arreddi so mek I ask yuh a few questian now. First ting, Afta yuh realize seh di man a knead yuh titti lika dumplin did yuh say anything out loud like ....”Leggo mi titti Wooiiiee!!! “
Jackie: No mi neva say nuttn caw mi did eena shack fi a minute ..eveyrting haapen so faas
Bredapa: Did di titti kneada make any sounds while mixin yuh flour such as..”wooiee deliva mi fada deliva mi yes yes yeeess” an breathin heavy?
Jackie: Yuh soun like yuh a re-live sumting eno... a wha kina ediat questian dat?
Bredapa: Well mi know why mi ask.. About a year ago dis likkle 82 yr quinge up quinge ole ooman grab mi thigh very close to the Family Goods. Mi did so shack dat mi si cole sweat start run dun mi face. Imagine dis ooman olda dan mi granny to rhatid an shi a try a ting wid mi ..dere is more but mi tink mi share enough
Jackie: Shi show yuh some skin an kill yuh widdie??? huh? DWL. Mek mi stap yaah
Bredapa: Yuh can tan deh tek tings fi joke .. all mi know is mi did afraid seh shi woudda kill har self widdie. Now back to you now.. Look around di place an pint out anybady yuh tink touch touch up yuh ti-ti dem. No care a who ..jus pint dem out!
Jackie: Well mi noh tink a Teoomn do it ..shi freakish but mi noh tink shi woulda so bole… Well mi tink a BIG HEAD do it! (pointing to a man standing away from the crowd) I doan particluarly like dat big bway
Bredpa: Who im? Im look guilty yes.. come here BIG HEAD! .. what is yuh real name anyway?
Bigbooie: Dem call mi Bigbooie sar ..nat to be confused wid BigDaddy78.
Bredapa: Shi seh shi tink a yuh do it.. yuh guilty as charged?
Bigbooie: Watch yah man.. Mi si di light lock off and tru mi frighten mi grab on pon di closest ting mi can reach sar! Mi grab on pon some ting whe feel like one little old flowwa bag wid rock stone inna it ...All off a sudden mi hand start squeeze mi like one big hawk bird pitch pon it and jah know it hurt mi bad....mi did a dead fi di light come back aan an mi did a try lego di bag but di big graaawwning claw dem a hold mi hand pon di old flowwa bag..I was so scared. When di light come on mi hand look like summaddi di cut mi up wid a raza blade
Jackie: A waan gi yuh two tump yuh si big head bwaay!
Bigbooie: Afta mi neva know seh a titit mi did a feel...Now dat mi know seh a fi yuh claw dem ina mi finga mi haffi goh tek antibiatics and couple horse pill and some ganja tea before hair start grow inna mi hand middle..
Bredapa: Nat so faas my yute.. yuh coming wid mi. Leave di dance now sar!
Bigbooie: Seh wah?? Mi pay my big money fi come inyah an yuh a tell mi fi lef?! Yuh mussi mad no blood fyah!
Bredapa: Oyyee Yute noh mek mi haffi plant mi size 22 ina yuh baxide!….di dance did free so mi noh know wha kina money yuh a talk bout. Yuh coulda a win any lyad cantest how yuh lie. (escorting him away) COME MAN – OUT!!
PinkeyLou: Yes Kick im out gaurdi! Dat fi teach dat OLE FART a lesson! Dats why dem call im “Charlie Matrass" roun yah .. love fingle up an lie dung wid people any which part im goh! Kick im out!!
The man was escorted out with the crowd looking on and giggling.
Ensom: Lawd mi caan tek no more canfusian fi di night.. Disyah Gran opening tun ina one Gigantic drama..di laas time mi have so much drama a when lizzad tek up residence ina mi truck. o/.. Jackie yuh aright?
Jackie: Mi lickle bit arite yuhnoh .. a jus dat mi ti-ti ina pain caw im whenna hangle it rough
Ensom: Arite love ..no mine. Anytime yuh feel like yuh waan come back to di resturant fi a free dinna jus fi yuh traumatization dat is fine ..but memba mi seh one meal! Yuh ave a way fi tek inch tun ina furlang an a half!
Jackie: Well atleast mi can laugh at it now… But aff all persons fi come touch mi up eeh? What a brite ole pin head bway bout im tink mi breas a flowwa bag..cho!
Britisha: A hope you resolve dis ina yu mine Jackie, mi glad seh a wassn nuttn wussa dan dis. Chalk it up to hexperience, and move along Bigbooie gaan bout im bisness now. Jus gwaan enjay yuhself fi di res a night yuh hear
Esnom:Arite mista DJ gwaan play di music again .. everyting sekkle now. (Turning to the crowd).. Tank yuh all again fi coming out to dis wanduful occasion an beg unu fi unu cantinued patronige. **blow kiss**
Panman: Arite people sarry fi di interruptian…mi ago play a Rick James dedicated to mi fren Jackie weh jus get feel up in a di dawk seen…sarry mi sistren.. Dis one is fi yuh straight fram di heart
She's a very kinky girl
The kind you don't take home to mother
She will never let your spirits down
Once you get her off the street..
That girl's all right with me,
yeah She's a super freak, super freak
She's super-freaky, yow Super freak,
super freak
Ohhhhh Super freak, super freak
That girl's a super freak Ohhhhh
She's a very kinky girl
The kind you don't take home to mother
She will never let your spirits down
Once you get her off the street
Everyone starting laughing at the DJ’s selection …
Jackie: Ah how one group a people can tan bad so man????
**They danced the rest of night til the early morn…**
THE END
[This message has been edited by Wendy (edited 08-10-2001).]
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