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Welcome to this week’s Suss report. The characters in the story all live in Florida and are taking a weekend social trip to NY. The Board member that made the suggestion for the theme was Qk13. She is the main character of the story. Please read and enjoy and as always, no offence is to be taken.
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The Jamaican Organization Of Keiglers(JOOK) is a female only social club located in South Florida. The group meets weekly for group keigler sessions to alleviate the stress from lack of sex.. The Public relations officer in charge, QK13, decided to take the group on a well-deserved road trip to NY for site seeing and splendour. She told the women in the club to invite their friends, boyfriends, husbands etc along for the ride. Despite the events of September 11th, the gropu was looking forward to a funfilled weekend in the big apple. Early Friday morning the day of the trip, the group of people eagerly awaits the arrival of their transportation to NY.
Undercover What's cracka lacking y'all?..Y’all look like you from straight outta jizail....what up!
Ctrygal: whats cooking, good looking.??? Ready fi di marning ride!
Undercover: high as long as I ride....slide slippity slide
Ackee: Hey UG, yuh and Pootie Tang deh? A mek yuh a drap it like Lil’ Kim soh..LOL
Undercover: fo' shizzle yow! I am straight ....Like PDiddy says yow tha’ saga continues .yaa naah a mean?
Jazz: Nat fi hell dis gal wi tap smoke weed... o/ Lawd gi mi strent!
Undercover: Don't hate....participate –aiyite!
In the background a Rasta was playing loud dancehall music on his portable radio, loud enough to cause protest.
Mutty: I doan know which wan wos! Lissen to UG a cackle like a yankee fowl or lissen to di Bounti Killa foolishness di Rasta a play ina mi ears ole.. Yow Rasta..tun aff di grasscyat foolishnes star.. Mi caan bare hear Bount Killa open im mout fi chat to blow wow ..
Rastaminded: Goh scratch yuself ediat bway! How di man jus a lick out genst warlawd Bounty Killa soh.. Lef di man iyah! Yuh eva hear Major Makrel yet..a who cyan chat wusserah dan him! **kiss teet** jus res yuh hear iyah!
Babydoll: **Kiss teet** Play di chune dready... Jus noh badda play noh sang fram dem ugly farrin gal name Destiny Childs ..I doan know what dem know bout surviving .. Dem mussi tink seh shaking dem nakid behine pan BET a survival!
Mutty: Alteast Destiny’s Chile know how fi survive playa haters like yuself .… a jealous yuh jealous cause fi yuh jelly baxide caan go pan TV
Babydoll: Mi nena talk to yuh noh lang lip bway. Yuh tink mi noh know seh yuh waan piece a dis jelly behine .. eeh?
Granma2: DWL. Unu noh baada wid di fussing so early man…All unu a talk mi caan tek di lilly half naked wan name Maraih Curry ar Cherry .. whateva di ooman name ..unno know a who mi a talk. How dat deh ooman can scream an galang like smaddy a hole ar dung an rape ar soh!DWL
Moni_Q: DWL ..waaiii Granma, Mariah shi noh too bad yuh noh.. is di Keith Sweat bway mi caan tan hear.. Im have dat anaying nasal vize like ima strain fi go tilet ..major constipatian im a gwaan wid bout im a sing.
As if the scene couldn’t get any louder one member of the Keigel group pulled up in a parking space driving a Black yr 2000 model Benz blasting away at a Buju Banton song. She removed her sunglasses and started to play with her hair in the rare view mirror while others looked on.
Capitall: But coo papy show! Why neaga always a buy dem big car cyar deh an still a pay rent?
Zeko: All dat is a Half-a-million dallah wut ah accident waiting fi happen...One drap ina wan pathole outta street an di axle bruck aff ina 2.
Jackie: An BENZ can get flat tire just like mi Hyundai. An it a go need tune up jus like mi Hyundai. An it a go need parts jus like mi Hyundai. Bloody hell! Di Sinting even fava mi Hyundai! So what's the bleedin point??
Ackeegril: Mi can neva undastan why Jamaican ppl so hung up on cars..as soon as you drive it off the lot it noh gat noh value lef ina it. Betta shi did go buy wan use Chevy an tek di res a money crème har head.
R+: Same ting mi seh ackeegirl..jus gi mi sinting that actually works. Yuh noh si a wan Chevy van mi a drive. Plenty room in deh fi carry nuff people wid space fi 2 dozen case a rum. If mi di waan gwaan like mi a dis BIG macho man mi woulda jus shoob dung some roll-up socks ina mi draws...Cheaper!
Jazz: Gwey unu tap grudge di gal fi har car. Ah wan a dat mi ah ago buy when mi trade in mi truck... fi mi own ago have wan computa inna de backseat dowe.. A big tings!
Ackee: Dere is nutten like BMW 7-series 2002…. Oh man dat deh car deh gi me di org..gg..g.gg ..oooohh …ooohhh ..aaahhh
Tuffstuff: Hey bway..when yuh done wid yuh organism, hole a cigarette an blow aff some steam. Mi noh know a what dat yuh galang wid out inna public
Ackeegirl: My Ackee does not smoke thank you very much .. (wrapping her arms around his waist) So Ackee darling.. when yuh going to purchase us a new BMW..Yuh know I like the smell of new leather.
Granma2: Ackee dis buy har wan $10 pair a boot if a new leada shi waan smell.. she too cheap,nah buy expensive caar but waan ride inna it DWL.
Ackeegirl: stay outta dis grandma2, for when u wake up dem ungodly hours of di mawning me and Ackee just starting our morning ride......uuhmmm to work that is
R+:LOL Get yuh groove on girl (wink, wink) …As Yellowman used to sing..."Gimme di Mawnin Ride." Big up Ackee! ..hhhehehhe
Ackeegirl: Hardie har har!! Yuh face fava sinting weh Gad refuse an di devil rejeck!
The driver of the car finally emerged dressed in her mini with 3 inch red heels flaunted her stuff to the crowd:
Mountaingal: Hi Ms lady .. a your car dat ar yu a profile ina man car?
Slimsexy: Yes dat is my Benz ..chat bout!.. .an fi your informatian it come wid TV, VCR, computa, fax machine, juke bax and di di back recline like inna airplane tuh so don’t sweat it cause yuh caan buy it.
Moutaingal: (laughing mockingly)Hey heya!! FART! It look like everyting in deh excep tylet...
Swinishmaid: Mi tink it coulda look lickle betta wid gole detailing, five star rim, hydrolic soh yu can mek it low rider, donkey balls, tint pan di winda dem an Tiger print pan seat ..
Slimsexy: I seh Bad mine is a ugly ting pan some a unu .. Unu too red yeye an grudgeful ..
R+: Hole it dear sista..I neva hole a grudge to nobaddy! …well only if yuh show aff...
The chatter was interrupted by the sound of the Van pulling up. At the controls was Qk13.
She pulled the Van directly infront of the group and opened the automatic door.
QK13: Wait ..is how so much a unu out here? Mi tell unu fi invite unu frens an fambily an it look like unu invite unu whole neighbahood plus di whola Jerusalem!
Granma2: Hello .. special hello to de mawning peep.. mi ready fi di mawning ride now!
Qk13: Good marning Granma .. mi only hope di lickle Van yah can hole all unu…arelse wi haffi lef some people.. Come on everybaddy start file ina di van an watch yuh step!
R+: OK Mam.. NO PROBLEM… everyting irie mon.
Teaoomn: Lawx man! Dat language stereotype irritates the Flinstones out of mi! Why unu bush people love fi mash up di patwa soh..cho!
QK13: Arite! unu tap hole up progress an tep up ina di Van man. wi late and di road trip is going to be wan lang eva trip. Watch unu head.
MityTone: A onle hope di Van have tielet yuh noh Miss..Mi is a man always in an out a di tielet an like how NY far fram yahso mi ago waan use di teliet nuff!
Qk13: Di Van no have space fi noh teilet.. if yuh waan go tielet wi wi stap an yuh do weh yuh haffi do pan di road side!
Bimini: Dam! Unu keigel people coulden get wan bigga Van fi carry people ina.. dis yah look like it mek fi carry school pickney pan fiel trip.
Qk13: But si yah .. Mista man whoeva yuh bi beg yuh hole dung yuh head an go fine a seat an tap ie nize fi mi yaah. Di Keigel membas use to di squeeze an di release an di tighten up business. Nat a ting noh wrang wid di size a di Van.
Bimini: Lady a slackniss dis man .. look pan di size a mi.. mi a bout 6'2" even dowe yuh cyaan tell pass mi belly ..how di birdcage mi ago fit ina dis?
Qk13: Yuh have a chice fi go back a yuh yaad. Mi is nat respansible fi yuh an yuh gut infront a yuh. Jus step up ina di Van ar step back mek di res a people dem come troo.
Ensom: Beg yuh lickle way dey Bimini .. Mi a ongly 5' 5" an bout 5' 7' wen mi hole een mi gut so mi can hole in deh ..beg yuh lickle paas. (pushing her way in)
Qk13: By the way mi did stap an get unu some small items fi unu breakfast cause mi know none a unu noh nyam a unu yaad. Di tray a food deh ina di Van ..help unu self an fine a seat.
As they filed in the Van, they took up breakfast and tried to find a comfortable seat.
Nisa: Hhmnn..Hnnmm … what a nice treat dis marning ms Qk13 gi wi . Look pan di amount a Krispy Crème dougnut shi have yah a tempt mi.
Swinshmaid: No Nisa. Yield not to Krispy Creme, cauz yielding is sin. Di Kripsy crème dem too sweet. Qk13 noh know seh shi fi buy di French Cruillers cause di Americans dem doan know how fi mek dougnuts.. **kissteet**
QK13: Hi Ms Swine dahling! Begars are nat choosas ..what if mi prefa fi buy Krispy Kreme an Dunkin' Donuts come gi unu !! If yuh noh waan none ..doan nyam none!
NickytheTricky: Well QK13 mi no waan soun like mi ungrateful but mi is quite overwhelmed by di sugar & fat ina dem doughnut yah. Yuh neva paas noh shap weh sell "Hot & Now" fresh outta di oven?
Teaoomn: Amen Nicky! Shi nat even pick up none a di low-fat, low calorie version! As mi walk paas di box a Krispy Kreme soh mi put aan 5 pound! Cho!
Soobahk: Mi mout wata as mi si Krispy Cremes!! But personally mi woulda prefa if shi did have some chocalate ones.. Di chocolate ones are the best!…a chocolate Crispy Creme donut and a hot cup of tea with lemon and honey will perk me right up yah now....
Jahlive: So it look like a pure dougnut unu Keigler ooman feed pan.. Unu neva hear bout bammy an fry fish.?!
R+: Jus what I was thinking Jahlive .. Man oh man am I hungry...Mi a come yah a expec bammy, ackee, some calaloo, mable orange and grapefruit FRESH off di tree. All dem have a so-so dougnut!
QK13: Fram I barn I neva si dis ina mi life! Nex time mi wi know betta dan feel sarry fi unu ..I doan know why mi neva jus buy wan loaf a tough bread an call it a day!!
Breeze: No worry Qk13 .. it’s quite OK. Next time just look fi wan flashing Neon sign outta di doughnut shap dat seh “Hot'n'Ready”. Is dat same sign di police bway dem falla fi get good doughnut a marning time.
Seated in the middle row, someone had her mouth stuffed with one of the sugary sweet doughnuts. She opened her purse and began to shuffle around the contents of her purse.
Granma2: Ensom a weh yuh a dig up ina yuh purse so fah misisDWL. Yuh waan peica paypa towel fi wipe aff yuh mout carna. Look how di whole a di suga deh all ova yuh face.. Yuh fi tek time nyam yuh know.DWL
Ensom: Granama a mi pill dem mi a look fah. Dear Gad a hope mi noh lef dem pan di dressa.
Mutty: What aileth you Ms Ensom. Soun like yuh travel wid truck load a pill di way how dat deh purse big like suitcase.
Ensom: Unu tink a joke Business.. Mi ave high blood pressha medicine ..mi tink is becawz a di dam lizzad dem ina di yard.. mi a look fi mi wata pill, mi allergy prescripshan an di whole heap pill dem di dermatologist tell mi fi buy. *kiss teet*. A weh dem deh man?!!
Gramna: Hush MS Ensom.. all dem pill sinting deh come wid age DWL, A same soh mi walk wid fi mi bag all de time. Mi have sinting fi mek mi sidung,..an den one fi help mi git up back..DWL,and dat a ongle 2! Wooeeee!
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Soon all were aboard and QK13 revved the Vans engine, put it in gear and was headed in the direction of the highway when the Van shut off. She turned the keys in the ignition again and revved the engine some more and drove off. The Van stuttered and shut off once again.
Sistagirl: A caan believe dis!! A bruck dung di Van a bruck down areddi?!
JohnCrowBlowNose: Mi noh tink nutten wrang wid di Van …it look like disyah woman caan hangle di stick shif. Lady yuh know weh yuh a do?!
Qk13: Ole an deh man .. it look like someting wrang wid di transmissian.
Afer: Wha yu a talk bout transmission fah, call it what it are, it name gearbax!
Qk13: Look, I have been driving a stick shift for about 20 years now! My last 2 car dem was stick shifts an dem have di newer transmissions dat easier dan disyah ole sinting.. Gi mi a lickle chance no man! Cho!
As soon as she started the engine the Van stalled again.
JohnCrowBlowNose: But Jesas heaven! If wi falla disyah ooman wi naah reach Boo Yark a baxide. Lady yuh have to get used to using the clutch for shifting gear, sink dung di clutch, change gear, mek a smooth release off the clutch an pull dung di hand brake.
Sistagirl: It betta yuh get wan automatic sinting fi drive Qk13.. yuh a go need yuh hands to fi lik some people ina dem head back yah when dem start gi yuh hell. LOL
Qk13: Unu lowe mi! Mi know weh mi a do.. if mi can ride motacycle mi can drive stick! Gi mi a minute mek a get dis ting right.
She made another attempt and this time the Van cooperated and off they went.
Afer: Is about dam time man! Lickle moas wi Bin stuck here an caan move.
Sistagirl: I woulda Bin P*ssed!
QK13: Unu gwaan run unu Bin Laden Jokes dem yuh hear ..wah sweet unu soon sour unu
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The Van was moderately cruising at 60 miles an hour down the highway, headed North for what was to be a long and weary road trip.
QK13: So yuh all excited bout di trip to di Big city despite all weh a gwaan?
Indira: Hell No! Mi fraid like puss seh sinting ago happen. Mi tink wi shoulda did plan fi go someweh else like Idaho go shap a di cute little store that sells apple pies and jams. This terrorist thing is NOT my cup of tea!
Ackeegirl: Den Indira who tell u dat terrorists doan have sweet tooth to! Plus dem have too much handmigglecolouredpeople ina Idaho..LOL
Roan: Look to me like dem heading somewhere else odda dan NY cause dem no fool, security tite deh so. ..so dem moving somewhere dung a Atlanta right yah now
Britisha: Oono know sumting, me deyah a try fi figure hout how a whole plane load, or half a plane load a peeple mek them dutty vultures hijak di plane dem.
Ackee: If a did yaad man dat woulda neva happen ! Dem woulda get some blurtnaught kick dung yu si!
Qk13: NY is safe now ….like Roan seh security tite and nutten naah do wi. Unu chat bout siting else man!
Ackee: True! Mi tired a di whole heapa Terroris argument. TV a Clyde mi wid it an now mi come pan trip an unu start up again ..unu chat bout tings like why di fowl crass di road an gi mi some joke.
Ackeegirl: Darling you are right. Let us be on the lighter side of things. How about I interview each of you an wi get fi know a little bit more about wi wan aneda.
Breeze: No sah! No, no, yuh a ginal. Mek wi intaview yuh!
Ackeegirl: Well go ahead ..mi noh care.. ask but memba mi doan have to ansa if mi noh waan
Breeze: Arite .. hear is yuh questian. Do you wear thongs, Flour baggy or parachute?! DWL
Ackeegirl: Hey Hurrican Gilbert ..Move fram here wid yuh outtarda self! But yuh si mi dying trial!
Granma2: DWL.what a bway brite and outta arda.DWL
With no warning, seeping through the air in the Van was a foul smell that was suffocating:
Tuffstuff: B*tty! Smaddy jus fawt! A who do dat man!!
Mutty: Dem Krispy Crème sinting deh noh gree wid mi a tall. Sarry ladies..
Jazz: Sacrise! Open di window before mi faint weh inyah . do!
Jahlive: Yuh a real ole edait yuh noh ..yuh noh si di window dem wide open arredie ..wah more winda fi open up?!
Mutty: Is weh unu a galang so bout? A United States wi deh yunoh …where wi have di Freedom to fart .. unu waan go dung a Afghanistan weh nat wan a unu caan fart arelse unu get unu haed lick aff! Unu calm dun man.. All Ms Qk13 haffi do a drive lickle faasta mek cool breeze come in!
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During the commotion and fanning someone’s cell phone rang with a fancy tone. The passengers turned around to see where the funny soundeing ring was coming from
Boogiedown: Oh it’s my phone.,Excuse me a minute...(She answers the phone and holds a private conversation). Yes ..hi babes.. yes we are on our way….Yes I am will be careful..don’t worry.. I miss you too. ..**MUAH***
Pepper: A who dat yuh a kiss up pan di phone now Boogie? Yes mi faas
Boogiedown: Dis hot white chick I am dating on the side!
Pepper: But ketch Pappy Show..Yuh fayva frighten friday come a satdeh market!
TuffStuff: What a gal love attentian. All har phone gat sing sang ring... Sinting soun like dem nursery ryme wi use to sing a school.
Boogiedown: Yuh neva know seh when yuh have di Nokia 8260 cell phone yuh can download ringtones off the internet...all di Jamaican National Anthem on yuh can download ina it.
Cntrygal: Den a how unu hook dat up .. lard technology is a hell of a ting....a whey yuh a tell mi seh!
Tuffstuff: Misis oonu jus too teknalagical fi mi… di only ting mi know bout cell phone a how fi tun it an an how fi tun it aff.. So tell mi dis..it play di drum part to? (she starts to sing)"grant tru wisdom fro-om above-- pampampam pam. Jamaica *BOOM*, Jamaica *BOOM* Jamaica land we low-o-o-ove....
Ensom: LOL Tuffy yuh to much... A wanda ef Sprint ave dat to?
Cntrygal: Ensom Sprint a ole teef ..mi can bet seh even if dem have dat yuh a go pay troo yuh nose ole fi it.
Queen: Ensome mi have Sprint..an all dem have is di "view & Pay bill" optian pan di intanet.. DWL
Ensom: A who want dat deh apshan? .. Dem can kip ie! Like mi pay bills..
Swinishmaid: Massi a fassi!Yu mean fi seh mi a di lass johncrow weh noh hav cell phone bout yah!
Indira: No, No swinish.. a noh yuh wan .. mi live pan budget and cell phone a luxury fi mi. Mi caan even afford fi pay regula phone bill much less
Ensom: DWL..wooiie.. Mi deh ya a pickcha Swinish and Indira a walk dung di street wid two tin can pan wan tring a heng outta har packit an di two a dem a mek lang distance call to wan aneda..
Boogiedown: DWL Ensom ..dem deh a weh yuh call budget phone. DWL
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EP: DWLTMPUMS! Unu noh have nutten betta fi do! Mi jus glad Mutty poop smell gaan.. Aaahhhh! Fresh air. Mi a smell some nice perfume scent inyah..Qk13 ..what kina perfume dat? ..it smell nice man!
Qk13: Tanks Ms EP ..is Amarige by Givenchy.. it expensive yuh si! Backfoot! Mi use to all wear 3 fragrance wan time an mi fine seh di smell was too strang. Now mi jus dash aan some spritz pan mi ches!
Miaman: Try wan bran dem call eau di iggler ..it wi run yuh bout $1 a di dalla store. DWL!
Qk13: Mi really starting fi regret dat wi ask di man dem fi come pan dis trip wid wi yuhnoh ladies..Dem is a feisty set – nat a drap a mannas! Bout buy perfume a di Dalla store..
Miaman: A lickle joke mi a run man .. ease up noh. Mi jus a seh if yuh Amarige expensive try someting cheapa.
Esnom: Unu luckiea dan mi.. fi mi regula fragrance a Ivory soap and pipe water.
Mutty: Well if unu tap shap a Liz an Taylor an buy a Walmart unu woulden have to spen so much money pan sweet scent.
Qk13: Is what name “Liz and Taylor”? ..Lawd a gwine dead wid laugh inyah..waaii Yuh mean “Lord an Taylor” ..yuh ediat!
Mutty: Well mi live A Flaridah weh America’s most finest idiats deh ..so mi have excuse. Yes Lord and Taylor ar whateva yuh waan fi call di shap. Unu betta aff if unu shap Walmart.. yuh all get fi si di latest in horse hair pan display roun di store ..DWL
The conversation led to a question:
rebelgirl: Talking bout Walmart. Unu know if di dem sell wan ting name Oxi-clean. Mi si wan infommerical weh seh "it'll whiten your whites and brighten your brights widout noh chlorine." Mi waan know weh mi can get it fi buy an if it really do weh it seh it ago do
HalfwayTree: Yes mi know it! Di sinting good so til! . Mi drop some Grace Hot Pepper Sauce pan mi carpet and not for heck could I get it out. Mi try di Oxi-clean pan it an SHAZAM! Di stain gaan!
Queen: Lawx mi shame so til…good ting mi neva open up mi mout seh nutten.. mi tink a di “Oxi” sinting aneda face cream unu a talk bout. Yuh know di siting weh clean aff dirt affa yuh face an mek yuh complexian clear.. A noh dat unu a talk bout?
Slimsexy: A which country yuh come fram Mavis? Is nat bleaching cream fi yuh face wi talking bout.. is bleach fi clothes an ting … Mi use oxi-clean pan everything. One scoop in the laundry, an to clean di bath tub an di carpet. It a seh one mi tell yuh!
Tuffstuff: Weh yuh seh ..yuh use it fi bade wid? Weh yu a try do, bleach out yu kin gal. Whappn to ambi an nadinola?
Slimsexy: A wahppen to yuh tough head gal. Mi use if fi clean mi bath tub, tiles, sink, and toilet mi seh! Mi noh need fi bleach mi skin. Yuh noh hear mi seh mi naturally brown.. **kiss teet**.
Bluebusta: So tell mi something dat ting Oxi-clean..it can cure Ticks to? Mi always have ticks a drap affa mi. An mi noh know what is di best way to get rid a it.
Jazz: SASCRISE! mi tink ah ongle cow wan have ticks? **scratching all ova**
Tuffgong: Di ooman mussi mean Crablouse .. a crablouse yuh have misis!
Leonie: Bluebusta a weh yuh a do in di woods fi ketch ticks? Mine yuhnoh!
DC: Blue..jus go bade ina wan big wash pan a Jaze! A dat yuh fi do.
NickytheTricky: Unu tap tell di ooman fart..Blue bes ting fi do Yu haffi burn dem awf!!
But a ow yu manij fi get ticks doah?? An which part pan yuh dem deh...a dat mi really waan knoa.
Tuffgong: Yu nuh done hear seh a Wood-Ticks wah more yu waan learn
Zeko: **kiss teet** Unu a get too technical fi mi. Di bes way fi tek awf di tick is wid likle kerosene ile..lickle alcohal wi do to... Doan pick it aff cause mi hear seh wen yuh pick ticks... yuh mout full up a spit...DWL
Leonie: Yes kersonie ail good ..when yuh rub it pan yuh kin ..den mek sure yuh light it, tun di ticks ina one roasted frank ..DWL waaiiii ..if a laugh tideh a fly go moon.
Bluebuster: Oonu just lef mi. Mi go camping an sleep ina di Vanh a look pan di stars… nobody neva did tell mi fi look out fi ticks..
Witchy: EXCUSE ME! *I* want to say something please.
Ackeegirl: Keep it short Witchy .. keep it down to less dan one hour please.
(The Van erupted in laughter.)
Ensome: DWL..Ackegirl yuh too terrible ..LOL Go ahead Witchy wi listening
Witchy: Anyway.. *I* know another good product that isn’t so costly that you all can afford. It is intended for laundry but maybe you can use it remove ticks too. You never know. You guys ever heard of Amway’s Tri-Zyme? Tri-Zyme removes ANYthing! You should try it guys! I don’t think it works on fleas.. eerrr I mean ticks though
Tigrr: But disyah woman soun like shi deh pan har own infomercial to rahtid. Fess up Witchy! Yuh sell Amway don't?! Yuh caan even laas one day widout a push Amway dear sinting dem up ina people face. ..cho!
Witchy: Not true! Why would *I* want to sell Amway to make money when Mother gave me ALL the Family heirlooms . She gave me TWO sets of GOOD China... Dozens of Delftware, circa-1900 Blue Willow-ware, novelty pieces ..a dozen dinner plates and white bone china with the Presidential seal painted in gold on them. I do not need to sell Amway. I was only making a suggestions because *I* thought it would help. **shrug shoulders**
Grasshopper: Bway Witchy yuh inventory soun good deh dowe Yuh have any kina wine glass yu waan gimme?
Jackie: Grass a tell yuh say yuh too dyam licky licky enoh. Yuh waa a good lick!!! Yuh no knoa say people wi gi yuh tings an tek e tell yuh??? Yuh tan deh...
Ackeegirl: I doan know bout unu but *I* sure ain’t gullible.
Queen: *Me* either.
Ackeegirl: *I* don't have fine China. Every flatware *I* have is microwavable.
Britisha: Well I’ll be damned. *I* nyam ooffa banana leaff, and *I* drink out a bamboo jug and dat is ongle when *I* can fine sinting fi nyam and jrink. and mi no gullible a rackstone.
Ackeegirl: WitchyWitch, neva mine..is so wi stay yaah.. I hope you are forgiving of yuh friends when wi let you down.. OK?
Witchy: Well my priest, Father Shearer, says that it is prudent, in some cases, to forgive... but NOT to forget! GGrrhhh!!! An By di wey, ackeegirl, yu let me dung nuff, an mi nuh know if mi to figive jess yet.....
Jackie: But Fawt!
All: **BOAL***
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Teaomn: (grinning) Poor Witchy.. No mine yuh hear. As unu a talk bout sell Amway mi mine jus flash back to when mi was a teenager. Mi and mi girlfrien dem use fi mek prank phone call a try fi sell Brillo Soap Pad. It was wan big joke fi si di people dem a ardar di soap pad dem cause mi tell dem it fi a church fundraiser
EP: ** Dwltmpums**. Teaoom yuh mus repent in di name of di Lord.. Dat was very mean! Mi tink mi did bad ..di meanest ting mi eva do a tell lie seh mi have belly cramp fi skip test!
Ontibile: Dat a noh nutten yet .. Mi use to nyam aff mi bredda left ovas an tell im seh a God eat it. Now mi waan get rid a di excess fat an caan tek it aff a baxide!...
Bimini: A same soh wan day mii did put een some green alcohol ina mi uncle grits...mi did waan pizen im baxside yuh si...but mi too dumb doah...mi shoulda did use di clear alcohol..im spat di green sinting tree mile away!
BoogieDown: How yuh can bi so cruel, insensitive, heartless, cold, evil.. How could you be so much of a b*tch????
Bimini: Heh Boogie a hope anoh mi yuh chat tuh yuhnoh. A who yuh a call “B**tch!”
BoogieDown: No Bim.. never you... I am not that mean Okay? (She kisses him on the cheek) *muah*
Jackie: What a ooman love kiss up kiss up pan people.. One a dese days yuh lip dem ago fassen pan some part a smaddy an caan come aff.
Kingman: Ladies, mi hear seh nuff people noh like di kissing ting .. mi noh mine it. Soh oogs, come ova here so come gi mi some suga noh..
Cntrygal: Kingman you are nat har type Ok ..get a grip!
Sistagirl: Well mi self noh mine kissing. One time dis man lay dung wan powaful kiss pan mi dat mi had to pull miself fram him … A di fus mi eva do dat. MI LAWD! It was so perfectdat mi marrid im.
Grasshopper: Dat good an all but mi rada no kiss smaddy who noh know how fi kiss. Some people jus betta aff kiss yuh pan di cheek instead a walla dem toungue ina yuh mout a galang like dem know weh dem a do.
Kingman: How can one not know how to kiss? Mi larn fi kiss fram watching TV.. yuh si kissing pan TV everyday.. But if a ooman a go jus drop in har tongue cause shi waan mi anocando..mi noh ina dat..shi muss have feeling fi mi ..
Schweinishmaid: Ofcourse yuh have people weh caan kiss Kingman. Yuh have some man weh jus a suck aff yuh mout tap..dem shub dung dem tongue way dung inna ooman belli battam ..bite up yuh lip..yuh all hear teet a clash like dem deh a war, ar wos ..dem put dem mout pan fiyuh an naah do a dam ting!
Grashopper: DWL ..waaiii .. a yuh dat Kingman?..Some a unu need practice fi real!
Kingman: A weh unu a chat bout ..Half di time a woman noh know how fi hangle dem bisness..
Babydoll: Yeah Whateva!! Mi did know dis guy who was a bad kisser. Mi did havi show im how tings goh - plain and simple. Good kissing need good kardinashun..yuh cyaan have one a suck an de odda wan a play toncil hockey..it noh go soh!
Kingman: lol yu talk like yuh know nuff bout man. About how much man yu date so babydoll..
Babydoll: Now yuh waan get into how much partnas mi have eeh? .. Why man always a ask ooman how much man dem sleep wid dowe eeh?..weh dat havi do wid anyting
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Qk13: Heh hey! Sarry fi intrrupt unu man an ooman argument, but mi hungry bad... Mi ready fi pull aff fi get some food. Any suggestians fi where mi fi stap?
Mitytone: Pull up anywhich part yuh si wan KFC sign deh … afta dat deh suck tongue canvasatian mi coulda do well wid a nice breas now.. chicken breas dat is **kin teet**
Ensom: No man.. mi noh nyam chicken. Mi get tiyad a nyam chicken fram mi deh a Jamaica. A mussi bout 20 odd years now mi nuh nyam ie...Qk13 stap a Burga King mek mi get a Burga
Mitytone: How yuh mean yuh noh nyam Chicken? ..chicken meat sweet noh rahtid.. Di only part mi noh nyam pan di chicken a di aile bag.. dat is di rear end fi who noh know bout
Roan: Wah! Gimmi di fowl back and di fowl batty any day!
Indira: (looking over at Roan) Well, that explains it all . No wanda yuh can run up yuh mout soh!
Qk13: Personally , mi wi eat any part that's got dark meat! That is my favorite..
Ackee: (with a smooth , sexy voice) Well mi is a breast and thigh man **grin**
Tufstuff: (Talking in her head) What a lickle bugga pervertish man… im woman mussi naah gi im none a night time.. coo im to bout im breas an hip man .. maaga an fava dem likkle half starve masquita
Queen: (shaking head in disagreement) Hmnn Hmnn!.. di back too boney an di thigh too greasy. Di yeye, batty, or teet noh too appetizing eida .. Mi like fowl weh grow a yaad ..farrin fowl noh taste rite. Betta wi stap a Burga King like Ensom seh Q..
Mitytone: Fram mi a nyam chicken a di fuss mi hear seh chikkin have teet.. DWL
EP: Qk13, mi is quite arite.. mi have mi dinna well pack arredi ..so it noh matta to mi whe unu tap.
Ensom: Weh yuh have ina di bag fi eat deh EP cause it look like everybady a head fi di fowl house..
EP: A jus some Curry Goat, Oxtail, Jerk Pork and Chicken, Roast Pork, Escoveitch Fish, White Rice, Rice and Peas, Goat Head Soup, Garden Salad, Potato Salad, Crab Legs, Lobster, Shrimps, Carrot Juice with Beat root and Fruit cake....
Qk13: BUT JESAS MI LORD .. but mi noh need fi tap .. di whole a wi can nyam outta EP bag …Jesas gal a soh yuh craben!
Mitytone: A same soh mi have wan bredda name GOAT TRIPE nyam nuff like food a get weh fram im!
Cntrygal: Dwl ..wooeee.. EP darling mine yuh tun out like wan a mi cousin wi call TubbeybattyBeverly….gal nyam so til har batty wide like any train tunnel. DWL
Qk13: Airte since Ensom noh eat chicken ..mi wi fine wan burga place weh wi all can eat an bi merry. As a matta of fact mi tink wi fi vote out Ensom outta di Keigel group cause chicken meat is good fi kweefing .**BOAL**
Ensome:
-----------------------
After lunch, the Van was re-loaded and the journey began once more.
Qk13: Arite folks a far wi haffi goh befoe wi ketch a NY. Unu keep up di canvasatian cause afta dat deh pile a food mi jus nyam mi feel like mi ago drap asleep behine di wheel
SlimSexy: Mi miss NY so til..caan wait fi reach deh
Qk13: Yuh use to live a NY slimsexy?
Slimsexy: No sah! Back in di day mi use to travel from North Carolina to New York fi do mi hair. Since mi caan mek it to NY again mi jus palla palla it mi self.
Brownsugga: Dats why yuh head always tan soh! Fava when puss batty jerri curl!!!
Slimsexy: Stink aff gal!..mi noh trus no adda hair dressa wid mi head cause dem always quick fi cut aff mi tall hair.
Makafat: Yuh soun jus like mi wife. Wi move from one city to another forty miles away an di blastid woman won't change har hair dresser.Den what mek it so bad, shi noh drive..so a mi haffi a batta batta wid har go to har 1 acklack appintment and shi noh get call til 6 aclack ina di eveling. Wha kina sense dat mek.
Qk13: Mi undastan weh yuh wife a go troo .. If yuh lucky enough fi fine a hair dressa yuh love dat do yuh hair right an skilled den DAMMIT!! You will drive 100 miles for a decent do!! She is not crazy. I have been there and done that!
Indira: Mi learn wan hard lessin ..neva get too attached to yuh hairstylist because when dem decide fi pack up an lef yuh .. you are royally screwed!
Kingman:l lol some a oono womens some real white foul! Unu too high mentainance.. unu want dis an unu want dat an unu spoil noh raccus lol.
QK13: Excuse mi .. mi is Zero Maintenance. I take very good care of myself, thank you very much!
Kingman: Unu doan like when people tel unu di troot noh true..how many a unu like fi hear di troot?
Qk13: Telling the truth is one thing... but being mean or ignorant is aneda ting…
Jazz: Well - I've been called High Maintenance an mi noh care weh nobaddy seh.. Is wan time me beg a man help mi out wid a money .. and dat was when mi was a go in fi mi batty surgey..odda dan dat no man naah come pay my bills an buy my shoes or anyting else. I just want what I want, when I want it...afta all!!
Tiggr: I guess I muss bi the oddball. When I go out with a man I expect him to fark out di dallas whether we're in a committed relationship or not. If im noh let aff him know seh im naah get none a dis .. Doan get mi wrang dowe ..mi wi show up wid mi hair, nails, and clothes pay fah arredi - LOL.
Indira: Well, mi definatley high menaintaince cause mi waan a man buy mi big house an buy mi wan expensive engagement ring pan tap a dat.
Jahlive: Any ooman waan marid to mi betta get use to craka jack ring
Breeze: DWL. Women are something else yuhsi ..wan a dem tell mi “Rock or Walk” .so I man jus tek a walk. ..but bway is a lang eva walk cause all now mi caan fine a nex woman!
Queen: Dat serve yuh right! Well mi mus bi High maintinace cause mi wi tell him di shape ah di diamond, di width of di band, total carat weight, design and even draw it fi im.. den mi wi mek him pick it out. I jus love surprises! LOL
Qk13: Well if mi had a choice between di big ring and big house ..mi a tek di house. A wan ting me know ..mi noh waan wok like how mi use to wok hard back ina di day. Mi use to do some jab weh mi coulden stan! An rite now mi try life live comfatable!
Teaoomn: True gal! Lawd mi rememba back in di days mi use to pick peas fi a living. Dose days yuh get pay by di the Bushel. .. I hated those jobs.. Dem deh days wi work some hard labor!
Swinishemaid: Girl don’t I know it ..When mi was bout 16 mi was working nights dis place call di “Humpty Dumpty potato chip factory”. Up to dis day, I can't eat potato chips! The smell, the grease, the ungodly hours, one lillie 15 minute break an di evalasting loud horn a tell yuh fi goh back to work.
Ensom: Gal tap talk.. yuh fi try work a wan place dat infested wid cackroach. Isis suppose yuh eva si roach! When mi use change di empty wata bakkle yuh si di roach dem inna di sinting. An wen yuh put wan new bakkle pon di ting an tun ie upside dung, di roach dem get sucked up inna di wata bakkle! Mek it wos di big boss waan di whole staff fi grab a can an spray di roach dem..
Qk13: Lawd Ensom mi can jus imagine ..fimi fus full time was a rat infested factory. Dem mek cheap stereos. Mi work 8 hrs a put an knobs. THAT WAS IT!! Mi know well seh dem sell wan ar two stereo wid some rat in deh ..I will never forget it and to this day I cringe when I tink about it..
Kingman: (being silly) well I signed a contract with this not so attractive girl one time for 6 months. Dat was di worse job inna mi life. lol
(All the men in the Van laughed along with Kingman )
------
The journey continued. Night was about to fall but they were just a few hours away from NY. Some grew impatient and some were gleaming with excitement.
Teaoomn: How far wi deh now? Dese bus seat dem a gi mi hell pon mi battam ..especially wid dis helluva big bwoil mi get fram siddung so lang!
Afer: Yuh have bwail pan yuh behine Tea? Come come back here come introduce di evidence to mi ..mi waan examin di exhibit!
Teaomn: I am nat in di habit of pulling dung mi pance an rubbing mi batty ina any bady face ..brite! **groan** Is mi wan have bwoil pan mi batty??
Qk13: Hush Tea..mi sarry bout yuh batty bwail ..wi soon reach. Maybe when yuh reach a di hotel yuh soak ina di bath tub an buss di bwail. . NY jus roun di carna yuh hear..
Mutty: (Thinking out loud)Bway a years mi noh come a NY yuh man.. Mi a wanda if people still a p*ss pan dem car door ina winta time fi unfreeze di lock.!
Ensom: DWL Mutty..why dat sound like sinting yuh woulda do
Mutty: Ensom I doan want to tell yuh how painful frostbites pan yuh pengeleng is… dat a weh mi use to go troo a p*ss pan mi car lack fi get di key ina di lack! Qk13, yuh might haffi drive ina circle when yuh reach Brooklyn before you can get a parking space. Dem Nykers noh buil space fi put car
Soobahk: Yoo gotta problim wid dat? I wasborn & raised in NYC?.. New York may have some bad qualities but it is still an amazin city! So leave it alone!
Pepper: Yous be quiet Soo! … Qk13, mek sure yuh nNoh tun dung dwonn pon Nostrand fi ketch a Brooklyn. Dat deh higway gi mi instant headache! Come mek we go dung pon Flatbush
The group finally got to their destination and followed signs to the Mariott hotel where they planned to stay for the weekend. Th van pulled up in the first parking lot they saw open. They embarked from the van one by one taking their belongings with them. Qk13 asked the group to gather outside before heading in the hotel to check in.
Qk13: OK fellow keiglers and gentlemen we are here finally! Now when wi check in di clerk is going to want to know who is going couple up in rooms. It cheap fi 2 people stay to a room. So unu to decide rite now who unu gwine to pair up wid so wi can look arganize!
Jazz: Well let me make it clear once and for all - just so oonu don’t have to guess an trow wud - mek mi tell oonu rite now... mi an boogiedungdiva sharing di same bed!
Yes is true -all oonu man can tek oonu yeye offa har now...
Mutty: Lord oooo mi dead now! But before mi ded good, mek mi juss let off two piece a badwud pon Jazz. !@#$%^&* plus &^%$# is euqal to the square root of !@#$*&^! Yuh dam ooman tief!
Jazz: Oh please Mutty!.. shi same wan tell mi seh yuh was trowing yuhself pan har - but she nat interested! I mus ask yuh to stap..it is very unbecoming!
Breeze: Mi jus a wanda weh mi do wrang ..dis is a blow to mi manhood. Mi come all di way a NY tink yuh ago sleep wid mi as yuh did pramise before wi lef Flarida!!
Jazz: Breezy darling... yuh know dat our likkle ting is on a different level right? Memba mi tell yuh seh mi a lesbian pan Tuesdays an pan weekens..OK darling?
Ackee: Hear mi now.. Boogiedown noh waan noh steel, noh anoconda, noh pengaleng ..no cho-cho ..shi want a good Rockweilla!
Cntrygal: wooii den dat mean say all Kingman nuh have a chance! Hush Kingman every dawg have him day, and every puss have him 4 o'clock...dis jus ain’t your time dwl wooeee
Kingman: What di hell..I am really COMFUSE!..
EP: Yuh really COMFUSE afta yuh can chat fawt suh.. Well I too detest men!! I am a lesbian too .di man dem mek mi sick, sick, sick, sick.....Mi an Ensome decide fi stay tigeda ina wan room, providing Pressa give me im blessings.
Jazz: Welcome to the fold EP.... as lang as yuh nuh touch mi Boogsylicious den everyting awrite,... gwann do yuh ting..
Teaoomn: EP mi know Ensom like Jewelry so pin aan dis Gay Pride broach pan har blouse fi har wear roun NY mek evrybady know seh shi come hout of di closet wid yu!
Preshafut: (in disgust) MMMMMM.......is dis wa keagiling do to unu!!.. Mi realize since Ensum start keagil wid unu mi notice mi naw get nun pan di regular . Well if unu want har unu can tek har ..when wi ketch back a Flarida unu can tek di lizzad broom to..
Ensom: Well, ahm, Pressa darling. Mi neva waa seh dis to yuh. But since as EP done come outta di closet mi figga seh mi mite as well seh mi piece. Lately, mi been curious bout dis lesbian ting an wi did plan fi try it out jus fi di weeken!
Preshafut: Doan seh nutten to mi yuh noh Ensom .. Hey mutty, Kingman Jahlive, Bim and Breeze and all di adda man ina di "nuff oaman" camp...wi ago splurt ina NY an fine some babes and paint di town red! Fram here aan unu can call mi LONG JOHN COPPER !
Konshus: Dis is some sheg up! All di wan EP disappoint mi big time! Mi tink mi did a mek a likkle "head way" wid yuh an now yuh crawl outta di calset at a time like dis!
Jazz: Lef de ooman mek she prasspa nuh - is wah do yuh... yuh nuh si Pressa gi har weh an ah try jine de boys club... Gwan go jain di little boys club an low wi mek wi do wi ting.
Slimsexxy: What deh hell is going on doe, a lass me lass ar wah?
Moni_q: sometime me no sure wen unu a joke enuh! Unu stap di ramping noh!
Queen: Lowd dis is too funny .. Dis remine mi a Diane Ross (Singing aloud and dancing) I'm Coming Out..I want the world to know Got to let it show I'm Coming!
Bimini: Queen! Lowa yuh vaice! Yuh sound like when hag know sey im aguh dead! Tap ie nize man… (**clear throat**) Well if di whole a unu a lesbian den I henceforth admit that I am a lesbian to an mi a look a woman fi come sleep ina mi hotel room to be with me!! Men disgust me .. soh which wan a unu lesbian waan deh wid mi...mi ah lesbian tuh yuhnnoh!
Mutty: DWL Bimini ..bwaay mi deh yah well waan come outta di clasit to but mi caan fit troo di door. LOL.. Mek mi tell yuh ladies .. all unu want is a strong glass a “Dickens cider!”
BoogieDown: Oh no thank you .. I like tequila. That is my drink of choice!
QK13: Lawd Jesas heavens ..where is mi Gynocologist, Dr. Dick when yuh need har! o/.. LOOK PEOPLE! Mi noh know when an how unu get ina clasit an how unu manage come out but I need a living breathing man ina mi hotel room tinite!! I am nat skacking up wid noh wanna be lesbian!!
Bimini: **raised pengeleng**. Si mi yah Qk13. Mi a di rite man fi di jab..Mi naah goh mek mistake an put ie ina di wrang place …**kin teet**
Qk13: Well Bimini you are it fi di weeken! Good ting mi pack mi thigh high fishnet stockings an mi garter belt! Saddle up! wi gwine have a very looong nightnight!!
Bimini: (turning to the guys standing around and laughing) Yes! mi in deh mi bredrins...mi in deh! YES!
Jazz: Whadeva! Lesbos Rule!
Qk13: (talking to herself).. Aaah bwaay.. JOOK meetings will neva bi di same again..di whole a di woman dem tun upside dung to falleetee!
They walked across the dusty streets and headed to the hotel to check in. Once at the front desk, they were greeted by a chirpy homsexual male attending the desk.
EdisonShi: (In a high pitched voice, with hands on hip)HI y’all welcome to BEAUTIFUL NY!! **Batting yeye** (swishing shoulders side to side) How can I help you?
Preshafut: Kiss mi puppa unda pants!
Mutty: Only in NY ** shaking head**
Qk13: Lowd have Mercy!
[This message has been edited by Wendy (edited 10-26-2001).]
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++
The Jamaican Organization Of Keiglers(JOOK) is a female only social club located in South Florida. The group meets weekly for group keigler sessions to alleviate the stress from lack of sex.. The Public relations officer in charge, QK13, decided to take the group on a well-deserved road trip to NY for site seeing and splendour. She told the women in the club to invite their friends, boyfriends, husbands etc along for the ride. Despite the events of September 11th, the gropu was looking forward to a funfilled weekend in the big apple. Early Friday morning the day of the trip, the group of people eagerly awaits the arrival of their transportation to NY.
Undercover What's cracka lacking y'all?..Y’all look like you from straight outta jizail....what up!
Ctrygal: whats cooking, good looking.??? Ready fi di marning ride!
Undercover: high as long as I ride....slide slippity slide
Ackee: Hey UG, yuh and Pootie Tang deh? A mek yuh a drap it like Lil’ Kim soh..LOL
Undercover: fo' shizzle yow! I am straight ....Like PDiddy says yow tha’ saga continues .yaa naah a mean?
Jazz: Nat fi hell dis gal wi tap smoke weed... o/ Lawd gi mi strent!
Undercover: Don't hate....participate –aiyite!
In the background a Rasta was playing loud dancehall music on his portable radio, loud enough to cause protest.
Mutty: I doan know which wan wos! Lissen to UG a cackle like a yankee fowl or lissen to di Bounti Killa foolishness di Rasta a play ina mi ears ole.. Yow Rasta..tun aff di grasscyat foolishnes star.. Mi caan bare hear Bount Killa open im mout fi chat to blow wow ..
Rastaminded: Goh scratch yuself ediat bway! How di man jus a lick out genst warlawd Bounty Killa soh.. Lef di man iyah! Yuh eva hear Major Makrel yet..a who cyan chat wusserah dan him! **kiss teet** jus res yuh hear iyah!
Babydoll: **Kiss teet** Play di chune dready... Jus noh badda play noh sang fram dem ugly farrin gal name Destiny Childs ..I doan know what dem know bout surviving .. Dem mussi tink seh shaking dem nakid behine pan BET a survival!
Mutty: Alteast Destiny’s Chile know how fi survive playa haters like yuself .… a jealous yuh jealous cause fi yuh jelly baxide caan go pan TV
Babydoll: Mi nena talk to yuh noh lang lip bway. Yuh tink mi noh know seh yuh waan piece a dis jelly behine .. eeh?
Granma2: DWL. Unu noh baada wid di fussing so early man…All unu a talk mi caan tek di lilly half naked wan name Maraih Curry ar Cherry .. whateva di ooman name ..unno know a who mi a talk. How dat deh ooman can scream an galang like smaddy a hole ar dung an rape ar soh!DWL
Moni_Q: DWL ..waaiii Granma, Mariah shi noh too bad yuh noh.. is di Keith Sweat bway mi caan tan hear.. Im have dat anaying nasal vize like ima strain fi go tilet ..major constipatian im a gwaan wid bout im a sing.
As if the scene couldn’t get any louder one member of the Keigel group pulled up in a parking space driving a Black yr 2000 model Benz blasting away at a Buju Banton song. She removed her sunglasses and started to play with her hair in the rare view mirror while others looked on.
Capitall: But coo papy show! Why neaga always a buy dem big car cyar deh an still a pay rent?
Zeko: All dat is a Half-a-million dallah wut ah accident waiting fi happen...One drap ina wan pathole outta street an di axle bruck aff ina 2.
Jackie: An BENZ can get flat tire just like mi Hyundai. An it a go need tune up jus like mi Hyundai. An it a go need parts jus like mi Hyundai. Bloody hell! Di Sinting even fava mi Hyundai! So what's the bleedin point??
Ackeegril: Mi can neva undastan why Jamaican ppl so hung up on cars..as soon as you drive it off the lot it noh gat noh value lef ina it. Betta shi did go buy wan use Chevy an tek di res a money crème har head.
R+: Same ting mi seh ackeegirl..jus gi mi sinting that actually works. Yuh noh si a wan Chevy van mi a drive. Plenty room in deh fi carry nuff people wid space fi 2 dozen case a rum. If mi di waan gwaan like mi a dis BIG macho man mi woulda jus shoob dung some roll-up socks ina mi draws...Cheaper!
Jazz: Gwey unu tap grudge di gal fi har car. Ah wan a dat mi ah ago buy when mi trade in mi truck... fi mi own ago have wan computa inna de backseat dowe.. A big tings!
Ackee: Dere is nutten like BMW 7-series 2002…. Oh man dat deh car deh gi me di org..gg..g.gg ..oooohh …ooohhh ..aaahhh
Tuffstuff: Hey bway..when yuh done wid yuh organism, hole a cigarette an blow aff some steam. Mi noh know a what dat yuh galang wid out inna public
Ackeegirl: My Ackee does not smoke thank you very much .. (wrapping her arms around his waist) So Ackee darling.. when yuh going to purchase us a new BMW..Yuh know I like the smell of new leather.
Granma2: Ackee dis buy har wan $10 pair a boot if a new leada shi waan smell.. she too cheap,nah buy expensive caar but waan ride inna it DWL.
Ackeegirl: stay outta dis grandma2, for when u wake up dem ungodly hours of di mawning me and Ackee just starting our morning ride......uuhmmm to work that is
R+:LOL Get yuh groove on girl (wink, wink) …As Yellowman used to sing..."Gimme di Mawnin Ride." Big up Ackee! ..hhhehehhe
Ackeegirl: Hardie har har!! Yuh face fava sinting weh Gad refuse an di devil rejeck!
The driver of the car finally emerged dressed in her mini with 3 inch red heels flaunted her stuff to the crowd:
Mountaingal: Hi Ms lady .. a your car dat ar yu a profile ina man car?
Slimsexy: Yes dat is my Benz ..chat bout!.. .an fi your informatian it come wid TV, VCR, computa, fax machine, juke bax and di di back recline like inna airplane tuh so don’t sweat it cause yuh caan buy it.
Moutaingal: (laughing mockingly)Hey heya!! FART! It look like everyting in deh excep tylet...
Swinishmaid: Mi tink it coulda look lickle betta wid gole detailing, five star rim, hydrolic soh yu can mek it low rider, donkey balls, tint pan di winda dem an Tiger print pan seat ..
Slimsexy: I seh Bad mine is a ugly ting pan some a unu .. Unu too red yeye an grudgeful ..
R+: Hole it dear sista..I neva hole a grudge to nobaddy! …well only if yuh show aff...
The chatter was interrupted by the sound of the Van pulling up. At the controls was Qk13.
She pulled the Van directly infront of the group and opened the automatic door.
QK13: Wait ..is how so much a unu out here? Mi tell unu fi invite unu frens an fambily an it look like unu invite unu whole neighbahood plus di whola Jerusalem!
Granma2: Hello .. special hello to de mawning peep.. mi ready fi di mawning ride now!
Qk13: Good marning Granma .. mi only hope di lickle Van yah can hole all unu…arelse wi haffi lef some people.. Come on everybaddy start file ina di van an watch yuh step!
R+: OK Mam.. NO PROBLEM… everyting irie mon.
Teaoomn: Lawx man! Dat language stereotype irritates the Flinstones out of mi! Why unu bush people love fi mash up di patwa soh..cho!
QK13: Arite! unu tap hole up progress an tep up ina di Van man. wi late and di road trip is going to be wan lang eva trip. Watch unu head.
MityTone: A onle hope di Van have tielet yuh noh Miss..Mi is a man always in an out a di tielet an like how NY far fram yahso mi ago waan use di teliet nuff!
Qk13: Di Van no have space fi noh teilet.. if yuh waan go tielet wi wi stap an yuh do weh yuh haffi do pan di road side!
Bimini: Dam! Unu keigel people coulden get wan bigga Van fi carry people ina.. dis yah look like it mek fi carry school pickney pan fiel trip.
Qk13: But si yah .. Mista man whoeva yuh bi beg yuh hole dung yuh head an go fine a seat an tap ie nize fi mi yaah. Di Keigel membas use to di squeeze an di release an di tighten up business. Nat a ting noh wrang wid di size a di Van.
Bimini: Lady a slackniss dis man .. look pan di size a mi.. mi a bout 6'2" even dowe yuh cyaan tell pass mi belly ..how di birdcage mi ago fit ina dis?
Qk13: Yuh have a chice fi go back a yuh yaad. Mi is nat respansible fi yuh an yuh gut infront a yuh. Jus step up ina di Van ar step back mek di res a people dem come troo.
Ensom: Beg yuh lickle way dey Bimini .. Mi a ongly 5' 5" an bout 5' 7' wen mi hole een mi gut so mi can hole in deh ..beg yuh lickle paas. (pushing her way in)
Qk13: By the way mi did stap an get unu some small items fi unu breakfast cause mi know none a unu noh nyam a unu yaad. Di tray a food deh ina di Van ..help unu self an fine a seat.
As they filed in the Van, they took up breakfast and tried to find a comfortable seat.
Nisa: Hhmnn..Hnnmm … what a nice treat dis marning ms Qk13 gi wi . Look pan di amount a Krispy Crème dougnut shi have yah a tempt mi.
Swinshmaid: No Nisa. Yield not to Krispy Creme, cauz yielding is sin. Di Kripsy crème dem too sweet. Qk13 noh know seh shi fi buy di French Cruillers cause di Americans dem doan know how fi mek dougnuts.. **kissteet**
QK13: Hi Ms Swine dahling! Begars are nat choosas ..what if mi prefa fi buy Krispy Kreme an Dunkin' Donuts come gi unu !! If yuh noh waan none ..doan nyam none!
NickytheTricky: Well QK13 mi no waan soun like mi ungrateful but mi is quite overwhelmed by di sugar & fat ina dem doughnut yah. Yuh neva paas noh shap weh sell "Hot & Now" fresh outta di oven?
Teaoomn: Amen Nicky! Shi nat even pick up none a di low-fat, low calorie version! As mi walk paas di box a Krispy Kreme soh mi put aan 5 pound! Cho!
Soobahk: Mi mout wata as mi si Krispy Cremes!! But personally mi woulda prefa if shi did have some chocalate ones.. Di chocolate ones are the best!…a chocolate Crispy Creme donut and a hot cup of tea with lemon and honey will perk me right up yah now....
Jahlive: So it look like a pure dougnut unu Keigler ooman feed pan.. Unu neva hear bout bammy an fry fish.?!
R+: Jus what I was thinking Jahlive .. Man oh man am I hungry...Mi a come yah a expec bammy, ackee, some calaloo, mable orange and grapefruit FRESH off di tree. All dem have a so-so dougnut!
QK13: Fram I barn I neva si dis ina mi life! Nex time mi wi know betta dan feel sarry fi unu ..I doan know why mi neva jus buy wan loaf a tough bread an call it a day!!
Breeze: No worry Qk13 .. it’s quite OK. Next time just look fi wan flashing Neon sign outta di doughnut shap dat seh “Hot'n'Ready”. Is dat same sign di police bway dem falla fi get good doughnut a marning time.
Seated in the middle row, someone had her mouth stuffed with one of the sugary sweet doughnuts. She opened her purse and began to shuffle around the contents of her purse.
Granma2: Ensom a weh yuh a dig up ina yuh purse so fah misisDWL. Yuh waan peica paypa towel fi wipe aff yuh mout carna. Look how di whole a di suga deh all ova yuh face.. Yuh fi tek time nyam yuh know.DWL
Ensom: Granama a mi pill dem mi a look fah. Dear Gad a hope mi noh lef dem pan di dressa.
Mutty: What aileth you Ms Ensom. Soun like yuh travel wid truck load a pill di way how dat deh purse big like suitcase.
Ensom: Unu tink a joke Business.. Mi ave high blood pressha medicine ..mi tink is becawz a di dam lizzad dem ina di yard.. mi a look fi mi wata pill, mi allergy prescripshan an di whole heap pill dem di dermatologist tell mi fi buy. *kiss teet*. A weh dem deh man?!!
Gramna: Hush MS Ensom.. all dem pill sinting deh come wid age DWL, A same soh mi walk wid fi mi bag all de time. Mi have sinting fi mek mi sidung,..an den one fi help mi git up back..DWL,and dat a ongle 2! Wooeeee!
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Soon all were aboard and QK13 revved the Vans engine, put it in gear and was headed in the direction of the highway when the Van shut off. She turned the keys in the ignition again and revved the engine some more and drove off. The Van stuttered and shut off once again.
Sistagirl: A caan believe dis!! A bruck dung di Van a bruck down areddi?!
JohnCrowBlowNose: Mi noh tink nutten wrang wid di Van …it look like disyah woman caan hangle di stick shif. Lady yuh know weh yuh a do?!
Qk13: Ole an deh man .. it look like someting wrang wid di transmissian.
Afer: Wha yu a talk bout transmission fah, call it what it are, it name gearbax!
Qk13: Look, I have been driving a stick shift for about 20 years now! My last 2 car dem was stick shifts an dem have di newer transmissions dat easier dan disyah ole sinting.. Gi mi a lickle chance no man! Cho!
As soon as she started the engine the Van stalled again.
JohnCrowBlowNose: But Jesas heaven! If wi falla disyah ooman wi naah reach Boo Yark a baxide. Lady yuh have to get used to using the clutch for shifting gear, sink dung di clutch, change gear, mek a smooth release off the clutch an pull dung di hand brake.
Sistagirl: It betta yuh get wan automatic sinting fi drive Qk13.. yuh a go need yuh hands to fi lik some people ina dem head back yah when dem start gi yuh hell. LOL
Qk13: Unu lowe mi! Mi know weh mi a do.. if mi can ride motacycle mi can drive stick! Gi mi a minute mek a get dis ting right.
She made another attempt and this time the Van cooperated and off they went.
Afer: Is about dam time man! Lickle moas wi Bin stuck here an caan move.
Sistagirl: I woulda Bin P*ssed!
QK13: Unu gwaan run unu Bin Laden Jokes dem yuh hear ..wah sweet unu soon sour unu
-------
The Van was moderately cruising at 60 miles an hour down the highway, headed North for what was to be a long and weary road trip.
QK13: So yuh all excited bout di trip to di Big city despite all weh a gwaan?
Indira: Hell No! Mi fraid like puss seh sinting ago happen. Mi tink wi shoulda did plan fi go someweh else like Idaho go shap a di cute little store that sells apple pies and jams. This terrorist thing is NOT my cup of tea!
Ackeegirl: Den Indira who tell u dat terrorists doan have sweet tooth to! Plus dem have too much handmigglecolouredpeople ina Idaho..LOL
Roan: Look to me like dem heading somewhere else odda dan NY cause dem no fool, security tite deh so. ..so dem moving somewhere dung a Atlanta right yah now
Britisha: Oono know sumting, me deyah a try fi figure hout how a whole plane load, or half a plane load a peeple mek them dutty vultures hijak di plane dem.
Ackee: If a did yaad man dat woulda neva happen ! Dem woulda get some blurtnaught kick dung yu si!
Qk13: NY is safe now ….like Roan seh security tite and nutten naah do wi. Unu chat bout siting else man!
Ackee: True! Mi tired a di whole heapa Terroris argument. TV a Clyde mi wid it an now mi come pan trip an unu start up again ..unu chat bout tings like why di fowl crass di road an gi mi some joke.
Ackeegirl: Darling you are right. Let us be on the lighter side of things. How about I interview each of you an wi get fi know a little bit more about wi wan aneda.
Breeze: No sah! No, no, yuh a ginal. Mek wi intaview yuh!
Ackeegirl: Well go ahead ..mi noh care.. ask but memba mi doan have to ansa if mi noh waan
Breeze: Arite .. hear is yuh questian. Do you wear thongs, Flour baggy or parachute?! DWL
Ackeegirl: Hey Hurrican Gilbert ..Move fram here wid yuh outtarda self! But yuh si mi dying trial!
Granma2: DWL.what a bway brite and outta arda.DWL
With no warning, seeping through the air in the Van was a foul smell that was suffocating:
Tuffstuff: B*tty! Smaddy jus fawt! A who do dat man!!
Mutty: Dem Krispy Crème sinting deh noh gree wid mi a tall. Sarry ladies..
Jazz: Sacrise! Open di window before mi faint weh inyah . do!
Jahlive: Yuh a real ole edait yuh noh ..yuh noh si di window dem wide open arredie ..wah more winda fi open up?!
Mutty: Is weh unu a galang so bout? A United States wi deh yunoh …where wi have di Freedom to fart .. unu waan go dung a Afghanistan weh nat wan a unu caan fart arelse unu get unu haed lick aff! Unu calm dun man.. All Ms Qk13 haffi do a drive lickle faasta mek cool breeze come in!
------------
During the commotion and fanning someone’s cell phone rang with a fancy tone. The passengers turned around to see where the funny soundeing ring was coming from
Boogiedown: Oh it’s my phone.,Excuse me a minute...(She answers the phone and holds a private conversation). Yes ..hi babes.. yes we are on our way….Yes I am will be careful..don’t worry.. I miss you too. ..**MUAH***
Pepper: A who dat yuh a kiss up pan di phone now Boogie? Yes mi faas
Boogiedown: Dis hot white chick I am dating on the side!
Pepper: But ketch Pappy Show..Yuh fayva frighten friday come a satdeh market!
TuffStuff: What a gal love attentian. All har phone gat sing sang ring... Sinting soun like dem nursery ryme wi use to sing a school.
Boogiedown: Yuh neva know seh when yuh have di Nokia 8260 cell phone yuh can download ringtones off the internet...all di Jamaican National Anthem on yuh can download ina it.
Cntrygal: Den a how unu hook dat up .. lard technology is a hell of a ting....a whey yuh a tell mi seh!
Tuffstuff: Misis oonu jus too teknalagical fi mi… di only ting mi know bout cell phone a how fi tun it an an how fi tun it aff.. So tell mi dis..it play di drum part to? (she starts to sing)"grant tru wisdom fro-om above-- pampampam pam. Jamaica *BOOM*, Jamaica *BOOM* Jamaica land we low-o-o-ove....
Ensom: LOL Tuffy yuh to much... A wanda ef Sprint ave dat to?
Cntrygal: Ensom Sprint a ole teef ..mi can bet seh even if dem have dat yuh a go pay troo yuh nose ole fi it.
Queen: Ensome mi have Sprint..an all dem have is di "view & Pay bill" optian pan di intanet.. DWL
Ensom: A who want dat deh apshan? .. Dem can kip ie! Like mi pay bills..
Swinishmaid: Massi a fassi!Yu mean fi seh mi a di lass johncrow weh noh hav cell phone bout yah!
Indira: No, No swinish.. a noh yuh wan .. mi live pan budget and cell phone a luxury fi mi. Mi caan even afford fi pay regula phone bill much less
Ensom: DWL..wooiie.. Mi deh ya a pickcha Swinish and Indira a walk dung di street wid two tin can pan wan tring a heng outta har packit an di two a dem a mek lang distance call to wan aneda..
Boogiedown: DWL Ensom ..dem deh a weh yuh call budget phone. DWL
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EP: DWLTMPUMS! Unu noh have nutten betta fi do! Mi jus glad Mutty poop smell gaan.. Aaahhhh! Fresh air. Mi a smell some nice perfume scent inyah..Qk13 ..what kina perfume dat? ..it smell nice man!
Qk13: Tanks Ms EP ..is Amarige by Givenchy.. it expensive yuh si! Backfoot! Mi use to all wear 3 fragrance wan time an mi fine seh di smell was too strang. Now mi jus dash aan some spritz pan mi ches!
Miaman: Try wan bran dem call eau di iggler ..it wi run yuh bout $1 a di dalla store. DWL!
Qk13: Mi really starting fi regret dat wi ask di man dem fi come pan dis trip wid wi yuhnoh ladies..Dem is a feisty set – nat a drap a mannas! Bout buy perfume a di Dalla store..
Miaman: A lickle joke mi a run man .. ease up noh. Mi jus a seh if yuh Amarige expensive try someting cheapa.
Esnom: Unu luckiea dan mi.. fi mi regula fragrance a Ivory soap and pipe water.
Mutty: Well if unu tap shap a Liz an Taylor an buy a Walmart unu woulden have to spen so much money pan sweet scent.
Qk13: Is what name “Liz and Taylor”? ..Lawd a gwine dead wid laugh inyah..waaii Yuh mean “Lord an Taylor” ..yuh ediat!
Mutty: Well mi live A Flaridah weh America’s most finest idiats deh ..so mi have excuse. Yes Lord and Taylor ar whateva yuh waan fi call di shap. Unu betta aff if unu shap Walmart.. yuh all get fi si di latest in horse hair pan display roun di store ..DWL
The conversation led to a question:
rebelgirl: Talking bout Walmart. Unu know if di dem sell wan ting name Oxi-clean. Mi si wan infommerical weh seh "it'll whiten your whites and brighten your brights widout noh chlorine." Mi waan know weh mi can get it fi buy an if it really do weh it seh it ago do
HalfwayTree: Yes mi know it! Di sinting good so til! . Mi drop some Grace Hot Pepper Sauce pan mi carpet and not for heck could I get it out. Mi try di Oxi-clean pan it an SHAZAM! Di stain gaan!
Queen: Lawx mi shame so til…good ting mi neva open up mi mout seh nutten.. mi tink a di “Oxi” sinting aneda face cream unu a talk bout. Yuh know di siting weh clean aff dirt affa yuh face an mek yuh complexian clear.. A noh dat unu a talk bout?
Slimsexy: A which country yuh come fram Mavis? Is nat bleaching cream fi yuh face wi talking bout.. is bleach fi clothes an ting … Mi use oxi-clean pan everything. One scoop in the laundry, an to clean di bath tub an di carpet. It a seh one mi tell yuh!
Tuffstuff: Weh yuh seh ..yuh use it fi bade wid? Weh yu a try do, bleach out yu kin gal. Whappn to ambi an nadinola?
Slimsexy: A wahppen to yuh tough head gal. Mi use if fi clean mi bath tub, tiles, sink, and toilet mi seh! Mi noh need fi bleach mi skin. Yuh noh hear mi seh mi naturally brown.. **kiss teet**.
Bluebusta: So tell mi something dat ting Oxi-clean..it can cure Ticks to? Mi always have ticks a drap affa mi. An mi noh know what is di best way to get rid a it.
Jazz: SASCRISE! mi tink ah ongle cow wan have ticks? **scratching all ova**
Tuffgong: Di ooman mussi mean Crablouse .. a crablouse yuh have misis!
Leonie: Bluebusta a weh yuh a do in di woods fi ketch ticks? Mine yuhnoh!
DC: Blue..jus go bade ina wan big wash pan a Jaze! A dat yuh fi do.
NickytheTricky: Unu tap tell di ooman fart..Blue bes ting fi do Yu haffi burn dem awf!!
But a ow yu manij fi get ticks doah?? An which part pan yuh dem deh...a dat mi really waan knoa.
Tuffgong: Yu nuh done hear seh a Wood-Ticks wah more yu waan learn
Zeko: **kiss teet** Unu a get too technical fi mi. Di bes way fi tek awf di tick is wid likle kerosene ile..lickle alcohal wi do to... Doan pick it aff cause mi hear seh wen yuh pick ticks... yuh mout full up a spit...DWL
Leonie: Yes kersonie ail good ..when yuh rub it pan yuh kin ..den mek sure yuh light it, tun di ticks ina one roasted frank ..DWL waaiiii ..if a laugh tideh a fly go moon.
Bluebuster: Oonu just lef mi. Mi go camping an sleep ina di Vanh a look pan di stars… nobody neva did tell mi fi look out fi ticks..
Witchy: EXCUSE ME! *I* want to say something please.
Ackeegirl: Keep it short Witchy .. keep it down to less dan one hour please.
(The Van erupted in laughter.)
Ensome: DWL..Ackegirl yuh too terrible ..LOL Go ahead Witchy wi listening
Witchy: Anyway.. *I* know another good product that isn’t so costly that you all can afford. It is intended for laundry but maybe you can use it remove ticks too. You never know. You guys ever heard of Amway’s Tri-Zyme? Tri-Zyme removes ANYthing! You should try it guys! I don’t think it works on fleas.. eerrr I mean ticks though
Tigrr: But disyah woman soun like shi deh pan har own infomercial to rahtid. Fess up Witchy! Yuh sell Amway don't?! Yuh caan even laas one day widout a push Amway dear sinting dem up ina people face. ..cho!
Witchy: Not true! Why would *I* want to sell Amway to make money when Mother gave me ALL the Family heirlooms . She gave me TWO sets of GOOD China... Dozens of Delftware, circa-1900 Blue Willow-ware, novelty pieces ..a dozen dinner plates and white bone china with the Presidential seal painted in gold on them. I do not need to sell Amway. I was only making a suggestions because *I* thought it would help. **shrug shoulders**
Grasshopper: Bway Witchy yuh inventory soun good deh dowe Yuh have any kina wine glass yu waan gimme?
Jackie: Grass a tell yuh say yuh too dyam licky licky enoh. Yuh waa a good lick!!! Yuh no knoa say people wi gi yuh tings an tek e tell yuh??? Yuh tan deh...
Ackeegirl: I doan know bout unu but *I* sure ain’t gullible.
Queen: *Me* either.
Ackeegirl: *I* don't have fine China. Every flatware *I* have is microwavable.
Britisha: Well I’ll be damned. *I* nyam ooffa banana leaff, and *I* drink out a bamboo jug and dat is ongle when *I* can fine sinting fi nyam and jrink. and mi no gullible a rackstone.
Ackeegirl: WitchyWitch, neva mine..is so wi stay yaah.. I hope you are forgiving of yuh friends when wi let you down.. OK?
Witchy: Well my priest, Father Shearer, says that it is prudent, in some cases, to forgive... but NOT to forget! GGrrhhh!!! An By di wey, ackeegirl, yu let me dung nuff, an mi nuh know if mi to figive jess yet.....
Jackie: But Fawt!
All: **BOAL***
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Teaomn: (grinning) Poor Witchy.. No mine yuh hear. As unu a talk bout sell Amway mi mine jus flash back to when mi was a teenager. Mi and mi girlfrien dem use fi mek prank phone call a try fi sell Brillo Soap Pad. It was wan big joke fi si di people dem a ardar di soap pad dem cause mi tell dem it fi a church fundraiser
EP: ** Dwltmpums**. Teaoom yuh mus repent in di name of di Lord.. Dat was very mean! Mi tink mi did bad ..di meanest ting mi eva do a tell lie seh mi have belly cramp fi skip test!
Ontibile: Dat a noh nutten yet .. Mi use to nyam aff mi bredda left ovas an tell im seh a God eat it. Now mi waan get rid a di excess fat an caan tek it aff a baxide!...
Bimini: A same soh wan day mii did put een some green alcohol ina mi uncle grits...mi did waan pizen im baxside yuh si...but mi too dumb doah...mi shoulda did use di clear alcohol..im spat di green sinting tree mile away!
BoogieDown: How yuh can bi so cruel, insensitive, heartless, cold, evil.. How could you be so much of a b*tch????
Bimini: Heh Boogie a hope anoh mi yuh chat tuh yuhnoh. A who yuh a call “B**tch!”
BoogieDown: No Bim.. never you... I am not that mean Okay? (She kisses him on the cheek) *muah*
Jackie: What a ooman love kiss up kiss up pan people.. One a dese days yuh lip dem ago fassen pan some part a smaddy an caan come aff.
Kingman: Ladies, mi hear seh nuff people noh like di kissing ting .. mi noh mine it. Soh oogs, come ova here so come gi mi some suga noh..
Cntrygal: Kingman you are nat har type Ok ..get a grip!
Sistagirl: Well mi self noh mine kissing. One time dis man lay dung wan powaful kiss pan mi dat mi had to pull miself fram him … A di fus mi eva do dat. MI LAWD! It was so perfectdat mi marrid im.
Grasshopper: Dat good an all but mi rada no kiss smaddy who noh know how fi kiss. Some people jus betta aff kiss yuh pan di cheek instead a walla dem toungue ina yuh mout a galang like dem know weh dem a do.
Kingman: How can one not know how to kiss? Mi larn fi kiss fram watching TV.. yuh si kissing pan TV everyday.. But if a ooman a go jus drop in har tongue cause shi waan mi anocando..mi noh ina dat..shi muss have feeling fi mi ..
Schweinishmaid: Ofcourse yuh have people weh caan kiss Kingman. Yuh have some man weh jus a suck aff yuh mout tap..dem shub dung dem tongue way dung inna ooman belli battam ..bite up yuh lip..yuh all hear teet a clash like dem deh a war, ar wos ..dem put dem mout pan fiyuh an naah do a dam ting!
Grashopper: DWL ..waaiii .. a yuh dat Kingman?..Some a unu need practice fi real!
Kingman: A weh unu a chat bout ..Half di time a woman noh know how fi hangle dem bisness..
Babydoll: Yeah Whateva!! Mi did know dis guy who was a bad kisser. Mi did havi show im how tings goh - plain and simple. Good kissing need good kardinashun..yuh cyaan have one a suck an de odda wan a play toncil hockey..it noh go soh!
Kingman: lol yu talk like yuh know nuff bout man. About how much man yu date so babydoll..
Babydoll: Now yuh waan get into how much partnas mi have eeh? .. Why man always a ask ooman how much man dem sleep wid dowe eeh?..weh dat havi do wid anyting
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Qk13: Heh hey! Sarry fi intrrupt unu man an ooman argument, but mi hungry bad... Mi ready fi pull aff fi get some food. Any suggestians fi where mi fi stap?
Mitytone: Pull up anywhich part yuh si wan KFC sign deh … afta dat deh suck tongue canvasatian mi coulda do well wid a nice breas now.. chicken breas dat is **kin teet**
Ensom: No man.. mi noh nyam chicken. Mi get tiyad a nyam chicken fram mi deh a Jamaica. A mussi bout 20 odd years now mi nuh nyam ie...Qk13 stap a Burga King mek mi get a Burga
Mitytone: How yuh mean yuh noh nyam Chicken? ..chicken meat sweet noh rahtid.. Di only part mi noh nyam pan di chicken a di aile bag.. dat is di rear end fi who noh know bout
Roan: Wah! Gimmi di fowl back and di fowl batty any day!
Indira: (looking over at Roan) Well, that explains it all . No wanda yuh can run up yuh mout soh!
Qk13: Personally , mi wi eat any part that's got dark meat! That is my favorite..
Ackee: (with a smooth , sexy voice) Well mi is a breast and thigh man **grin**
Tufstuff: (Talking in her head) What a lickle bugga pervertish man… im woman mussi naah gi im none a night time.. coo im to bout im breas an hip man .. maaga an fava dem likkle half starve masquita
Queen: (shaking head in disagreement) Hmnn Hmnn!.. di back too boney an di thigh too greasy. Di yeye, batty, or teet noh too appetizing eida .. Mi like fowl weh grow a yaad ..farrin fowl noh taste rite. Betta wi stap a Burga King like Ensom seh Q..
Mitytone: Fram mi a nyam chicken a di fuss mi hear seh chikkin have teet.. DWL
EP: Qk13, mi is quite arite.. mi have mi dinna well pack arredi ..so it noh matta to mi whe unu tap.
Ensom: Weh yuh have ina di bag fi eat deh EP cause it look like everybady a head fi di fowl house..
EP: A jus some Curry Goat, Oxtail, Jerk Pork and Chicken, Roast Pork, Escoveitch Fish, White Rice, Rice and Peas, Goat Head Soup, Garden Salad, Potato Salad, Crab Legs, Lobster, Shrimps, Carrot Juice with Beat root and Fruit cake....
Qk13: BUT JESAS MI LORD .. but mi noh need fi tap .. di whole a wi can nyam outta EP bag …Jesas gal a soh yuh craben!
Mitytone: A same soh mi have wan bredda name GOAT TRIPE nyam nuff like food a get weh fram im!
Cntrygal: Dwl ..wooeee.. EP darling mine yuh tun out like wan a mi cousin wi call TubbeybattyBeverly….gal nyam so til har batty wide like any train tunnel. DWL
Qk13: Airte since Ensom noh eat chicken ..mi wi fine wan burga place weh wi all can eat an bi merry. As a matta of fact mi tink wi fi vote out Ensom outta di Keigel group cause chicken meat is good fi kweefing .**BOAL**
Ensome:
-----------------------
After lunch, the Van was re-loaded and the journey began once more.
Qk13: Arite folks a far wi haffi goh befoe wi ketch a NY. Unu keep up di canvasatian cause afta dat deh pile a food mi jus nyam mi feel like mi ago drap asleep behine di wheel
SlimSexy: Mi miss NY so til..caan wait fi reach deh
Qk13: Yuh use to live a NY slimsexy?
Slimsexy: No sah! Back in di day mi use to travel from North Carolina to New York fi do mi hair. Since mi caan mek it to NY again mi jus palla palla it mi self.
Brownsugga: Dats why yuh head always tan soh! Fava when puss batty jerri curl!!!
Slimsexy: Stink aff gal!..mi noh trus no adda hair dressa wid mi head cause dem always quick fi cut aff mi tall hair.
Makafat: Yuh soun jus like mi wife. Wi move from one city to another forty miles away an di blastid woman won't change har hair dresser.Den what mek it so bad, shi noh drive..so a mi haffi a batta batta wid har go to har 1 acklack appintment and shi noh get call til 6 aclack ina di eveling. Wha kina sense dat mek.
Qk13: Mi undastan weh yuh wife a go troo .. If yuh lucky enough fi fine a hair dressa yuh love dat do yuh hair right an skilled den DAMMIT!! You will drive 100 miles for a decent do!! She is not crazy. I have been there and done that!
Indira: Mi learn wan hard lessin ..neva get too attached to yuh hairstylist because when dem decide fi pack up an lef yuh .. you are royally screwed!
Kingman:l lol some a oono womens some real white foul! Unu too high mentainance.. unu want dis an unu want dat an unu spoil noh raccus lol.
QK13: Excuse mi .. mi is Zero Maintenance. I take very good care of myself, thank you very much!
Kingman: Unu doan like when people tel unu di troot noh true..how many a unu like fi hear di troot?
Qk13: Telling the truth is one thing... but being mean or ignorant is aneda ting…
Jazz: Well - I've been called High Maintenance an mi noh care weh nobaddy seh.. Is wan time me beg a man help mi out wid a money .. and dat was when mi was a go in fi mi batty surgey..odda dan dat no man naah come pay my bills an buy my shoes or anyting else. I just want what I want, when I want it...afta all!!
Tiggr: I guess I muss bi the oddball. When I go out with a man I expect him to fark out di dallas whether we're in a committed relationship or not. If im noh let aff him know seh im naah get none a dis .. Doan get mi wrang dowe ..mi wi show up wid mi hair, nails, and clothes pay fah arredi - LOL.
Indira: Well, mi definatley high menaintaince cause mi waan a man buy mi big house an buy mi wan expensive engagement ring pan tap a dat.
Jahlive: Any ooman waan marid to mi betta get use to craka jack ring
Breeze: DWL. Women are something else yuhsi ..wan a dem tell mi “Rock or Walk” .so I man jus tek a walk. ..but bway is a lang eva walk cause all now mi caan fine a nex woman!
Queen: Dat serve yuh right! Well mi mus bi High maintinace cause mi wi tell him di shape ah di diamond, di width of di band, total carat weight, design and even draw it fi im.. den mi wi mek him pick it out. I jus love surprises! LOL
Qk13: Well if mi had a choice between di big ring and big house ..mi a tek di house. A wan ting me know ..mi noh waan wok like how mi use to wok hard back ina di day. Mi use to do some jab weh mi coulden stan! An rite now mi try life live comfatable!
Teaoomn: True gal! Lawd mi rememba back in di days mi use to pick peas fi a living. Dose days yuh get pay by di the Bushel. .. I hated those jobs.. Dem deh days wi work some hard labor!
Swinishemaid: Girl don’t I know it ..When mi was bout 16 mi was working nights dis place call di “Humpty Dumpty potato chip factory”. Up to dis day, I can't eat potato chips! The smell, the grease, the ungodly hours, one lillie 15 minute break an di evalasting loud horn a tell yuh fi goh back to work.
Ensom: Gal tap talk.. yuh fi try work a wan place dat infested wid cackroach. Isis suppose yuh eva si roach! When mi use change di empty wata bakkle yuh si di roach dem inna di sinting. An wen yuh put wan new bakkle pon di ting an tun ie upside dung, di roach dem get sucked up inna di wata bakkle! Mek it wos di big boss waan di whole staff fi grab a can an spray di roach dem..
Qk13: Lawd Ensom mi can jus imagine ..fimi fus full time was a rat infested factory. Dem mek cheap stereos. Mi work 8 hrs a put an knobs. THAT WAS IT!! Mi know well seh dem sell wan ar two stereo wid some rat in deh ..I will never forget it and to this day I cringe when I tink about it..
Kingman: (being silly) well I signed a contract with this not so attractive girl one time for 6 months. Dat was di worse job inna mi life. lol
(All the men in the Van laughed along with Kingman )
------
The journey continued. Night was about to fall but they were just a few hours away from NY. Some grew impatient and some were gleaming with excitement.
Teaoomn: How far wi deh now? Dese bus seat dem a gi mi hell pon mi battam ..especially wid dis helluva big bwoil mi get fram siddung so lang!
Afer: Yuh have bwail pan yuh behine Tea? Come come back here come introduce di evidence to mi ..mi waan examin di exhibit!
Teaomn: I am nat in di habit of pulling dung mi pance an rubbing mi batty ina any bady face ..brite! **groan** Is mi wan have bwoil pan mi batty??
Qk13: Hush Tea..mi sarry bout yuh batty bwail ..wi soon reach. Maybe when yuh reach a di hotel yuh soak ina di bath tub an buss di bwail. . NY jus roun di carna yuh hear..
Mutty: (Thinking out loud)Bway a years mi noh come a NY yuh man.. Mi a wanda if people still a p*ss pan dem car door ina winta time fi unfreeze di lock.!
Ensom: DWL Mutty..why dat sound like sinting yuh woulda do
Mutty: Ensom I doan want to tell yuh how painful frostbites pan yuh pengeleng is… dat a weh mi use to go troo a p*ss pan mi car lack fi get di key ina di lack! Qk13, yuh might haffi drive ina circle when yuh reach Brooklyn before you can get a parking space. Dem Nykers noh buil space fi put car
Soobahk: Yoo gotta problim wid dat? I wasborn & raised in NYC?.. New York may have some bad qualities but it is still an amazin city! So leave it alone!
Pepper: Yous be quiet Soo! … Qk13, mek sure yuh nNoh tun dung dwonn pon Nostrand fi ketch a Brooklyn. Dat deh higway gi mi instant headache! Come mek we go dung pon Flatbush
The group finally got to their destination and followed signs to the Mariott hotel where they planned to stay for the weekend. Th van pulled up in the first parking lot they saw open. They embarked from the van one by one taking their belongings with them. Qk13 asked the group to gather outside before heading in the hotel to check in.
Qk13: OK fellow keiglers and gentlemen we are here finally! Now when wi check in di clerk is going to want to know who is going couple up in rooms. It cheap fi 2 people stay to a room. So unu to decide rite now who unu gwine to pair up wid so wi can look arganize!
Jazz: Well let me make it clear once and for all - just so oonu don’t have to guess an trow wud - mek mi tell oonu rite now... mi an boogiedungdiva sharing di same bed!
Yes is true -all oonu man can tek oonu yeye offa har now...
Mutty: Lord oooo mi dead now! But before mi ded good, mek mi juss let off two piece a badwud pon Jazz. !@#$%^&* plus &^%$# is euqal to the square root of !@#$*&^! Yuh dam ooman tief!
Jazz: Oh please Mutty!.. shi same wan tell mi seh yuh was trowing yuhself pan har - but she nat interested! I mus ask yuh to stap..it is very unbecoming!
Breeze: Mi jus a wanda weh mi do wrang ..dis is a blow to mi manhood. Mi come all di way a NY tink yuh ago sleep wid mi as yuh did pramise before wi lef Flarida!!
Jazz: Breezy darling... yuh know dat our likkle ting is on a different level right? Memba mi tell yuh seh mi a lesbian pan Tuesdays an pan weekens..OK darling?
Ackee: Hear mi now.. Boogiedown noh waan noh steel, noh anoconda, noh pengaleng ..no cho-cho ..shi want a good Rockweilla!
Cntrygal: wooii den dat mean say all Kingman nuh have a chance! Hush Kingman every dawg have him day, and every puss have him 4 o'clock...dis jus ain’t your time dwl wooeee
Kingman: What di hell..I am really COMFUSE!..
EP: Yuh really COMFUSE afta yuh can chat fawt suh.. Well I too detest men!! I am a lesbian too .di man dem mek mi sick, sick, sick, sick.....Mi an Ensome decide fi stay tigeda ina wan room, providing Pressa give me im blessings.
Jazz: Welcome to the fold EP.... as lang as yuh nuh touch mi Boogsylicious den everyting awrite,... gwann do yuh ting..
Teaoomn: EP mi know Ensom like Jewelry so pin aan dis Gay Pride broach pan har blouse fi har wear roun NY mek evrybady know seh shi come hout of di closet wid yu!
Preshafut: (in disgust) MMMMMM.......is dis wa keagiling do to unu!!.. Mi realize since Ensum start keagil wid unu mi notice mi naw get nun pan di regular . Well if unu want har unu can tek har ..when wi ketch back a Flarida unu can tek di lizzad broom to..
Ensom: Well, ahm, Pressa darling. Mi neva waa seh dis to yuh. But since as EP done come outta di closet mi figga seh mi mite as well seh mi piece. Lately, mi been curious bout dis lesbian ting an wi did plan fi try it out jus fi di weeken!
Preshafut: Doan seh nutten to mi yuh noh Ensom .. Hey mutty, Kingman Jahlive, Bim and Breeze and all di adda man ina di "nuff oaman" camp...wi ago splurt ina NY an fine some babes and paint di town red! Fram here aan unu can call mi LONG JOHN COPPER !
Konshus: Dis is some sheg up! All di wan EP disappoint mi big time! Mi tink mi did a mek a likkle "head way" wid yuh an now yuh crawl outta di calset at a time like dis!
Jazz: Lef de ooman mek she prasspa nuh - is wah do yuh... yuh nuh si Pressa gi har weh an ah try jine de boys club... Gwan go jain di little boys club an low wi mek wi do wi ting.
Slimsexxy: What deh hell is going on doe, a lass me lass ar wah?
Moni_q: sometime me no sure wen unu a joke enuh! Unu stap di ramping noh!
Queen: Lowd dis is too funny .. Dis remine mi a Diane Ross (Singing aloud and dancing) I'm Coming Out..I want the world to know Got to let it show I'm Coming!
Bimini: Queen! Lowa yuh vaice! Yuh sound like when hag know sey im aguh dead! Tap ie nize man… (**clear throat**) Well if di whole a unu a lesbian den I henceforth admit that I am a lesbian to an mi a look a woman fi come sleep ina mi hotel room to be with me!! Men disgust me .. soh which wan a unu lesbian waan deh wid mi...mi ah lesbian tuh yuhnnoh!
Mutty: DWL Bimini ..bwaay mi deh yah well waan come outta di clasit to but mi caan fit troo di door. LOL.. Mek mi tell yuh ladies .. all unu want is a strong glass a “Dickens cider!”
BoogieDown: Oh no thank you .. I like tequila. That is my drink of choice!
QK13: Lawd Jesas heavens ..where is mi Gynocologist, Dr. Dick when yuh need har! o/.. LOOK PEOPLE! Mi noh know when an how unu get ina clasit an how unu manage come out but I need a living breathing man ina mi hotel room tinite!! I am nat skacking up wid noh wanna be lesbian!!
Bimini: **raised pengeleng**. Si mi yah Qk13. Mi a di rite man fi di jab..Mi naah goh mek mistake an put ie ina di wrang place …**kin teet**
Qk13: Well Bimini you are it fi di weeken! Good ting mi pack mi thigh high fishnet stockings an mi garter belt! Saddle up! wi gwine have a very looong nightnight!!
Bimini: (turning to the guys standing around and laughing) Yes! mi in deh mi bredrins...mi in deh! YES!
Jazz: Whadeva! Lesbos Rule!
Qk13: (talking to herself).. Aaah bwaay.. JOOK meetings will neva bi di same again..di whole a di woman dem tun upside dung to falleetee!
They walked across the dusty streets and headed to the hotel to check in. Once at the front desk, they were greeted by a chirpy homsexual male attending the desk.
EdisonShi: (In a high pitched voice, with hands on hip)HI y’all welcome to BEAUTIFUL NY!! **Batting yeye** (swishing shoulders side to side) How can I help you?
Preshafut: Kiss mi puppa unda pants!
Mutty: Only in NY ** shaking head**
Qk13: Lowd have Mercy!
[This message has been edited by Wendy (edited 10-26-2001).]
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