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Welcome to this week’s Suss Report. This week’s story is set in an office environment. Thanks for all your patience…aldowe unu buss mi yeye wid hub cap an tyah rim and dem tings mi still batta batta wid mi one yeye an finish it. I must admit I was a bit distracted while writing this one so I did the best I could. Please enjoy.
The first order of Monday morning, the employees of the <span style="font-style: italic"> DOSL</span> (Department of Sky-Larkas) were introduced to a new employee by their Manager.
<span style="font-weight: bold">IslandMutt: </span> Good Morning folks, As you all know wi had a Potenshal Hemplaiment Hoppichunity here at DOSL an am happy to announce dat I found di right smaddy fi di jab. It is with great pleasa dat I intraduce yuh to a lovely new hemployee who will be joining our staff today. Please give a warm welcome to Ms <span style="font-weight: bold">EP25</span>!!
The employees applauded. She stepped forward and spoke with gratitude.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ep25:</span> Tank yuh, Tank yuh Well it feel good to bi right here where whole heaps a man deh ..I tink I will like dis jab betta dan di one mi quit laas Tuesday..It is such a pleasa to be here an when I seh &#8220;pleasa&#8221; a mean <span style="font-style: italic"> pleasa!</span> I am a very skillful worka an mi plan fi use all mi special skills pan all heads in yah&#8230;and pan tap a dat..
The Manger got a little nervous and interrupted
<span style="font-weight: bold">IslandMutt: </span> Hahaha Haha .Ho ho ho .. funny Ms Ep. Yuh too funny. (wispering) <span style="font-style: italic"> shut up yuh mout before yuh seh sinting yuh live fi regret.</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold">NickyTricky: </span> (whispering) Den Tird Yeye a mek she decide fi wear di shawtest mini skirt come a wok. Nutten more dan shi a try entice di man dem roun yah
<span style="font-weight: bold">ThirdEye: </span> (whispering.)..Somting noh soun right bout dis gal. A weh shi mean by one special skill shi ago use pan all heads. I wonder how long it ago tek dem fi fine out seh dis gal a one skeeza.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jamericangirl: </span> Dat deh mini skirt noh bad like dem foot shi have inna di open back shoes. How har heel look like shi a dig yam soh? What is up with that? Shi noh know bout moisturizin lotion an some basaline?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Bimini Bwoy: </span> Dat noh bad yet .. ketch di pieca track inna di front har dam head!! Di gal noh si seh shi noh have enuf hair fi cover di dyam track...luk like centypede a run all ova har ead. A which man bout yah shi tink ago waan deal wid har wid dat deh ***** head?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> Kingman! .. mi know fi a fact im wi do dat wid noh prablem
Shortly one of the employees came stumbling in late.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ensom: </span> Hottie she late again to rahtid .Den shi nat even hav any mannas fi a big ooman. Everyday dis gal walk pass yuh all day an caan even seh mawnin, evenin, or howdy do.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> A soh when dem can afford likkle Bershache dem galang like dem betta dan people misis&#8230;
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ensom: </span> Yuh si weh mi a seh Jackie.. imagine wi all wuk a di same place .. shi can at least nad an smile. Mi Gad. Shi galang lakka seh it a guh kill har fi seh hello to people.
<span style="font-weight: bold"> Queen</span> Ensom everyday shi come late shi have di audacity fi deh pan di intanet a surf di porn site site all day&#8230;she want a good beating!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jazz</span> An nutten noh pure like snow like shi di way how shi can gwaan&#8230; at least mi can admit seh mi freaky.
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An older lady came forward and took the new employee to the side and gave her some tips in private
<span style="font-weight: bold">QueenB: </span> Welcome Ms Ep.. it&#8217;s really great to have yuh working here wid us. I am di company secretary an I am di one dat callect all di money towards di Birtday fund aroun here. Yuh mus pay $250 per pay check towards di Birtday fund and yuh mus give it to me an only me.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ep25:</span>Mi neva sign up fi noh birtday fund when mi apply.. Mi sure seh everybady noh haffi pay fi dat .. mi a Jehovah witness an mi noh celibrate birtday..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Queenb: </span> (draping her by her blouse collar) Lissen to mi likkle gal.. yuh gwine pay dese dues wid no argument! Doan mek mi haffi grab yuh by yuh weave an slam yuh bloodbaught head pan di counta!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ep25</span>: Daaaaamm lady! Why yuh a truck it soh? .. well den, mi can altleast get one JVC or a Toshiba componian set when mi birtday come?
<span style="font-weight: bold">QueenB:</span> (in a threatning voice) Jus pay di dues .. dats all yuh need fi know right now.. jus pay di blinking dues .. (she walks away)
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At their respective work areas the employes began their daily computer data entry among small talk:
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jadine: </span>So how was unu weekend? Mi waa know all weh unnu do.wah happen, weh unnu go?
<span style="font-weight: bold">PinkeyLou: </span> Lawd all mi do is Sleep, Sleep,Sleep, Sleep,Sleep ..mi get up nyam some icecream an go back go sleep. Mi get up one time fi use di teilet cause di icecream neva gree wid mi belly... an a right pan di teilet seat mi drap asleep again fi di res a day.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Dreadilocks: </span> Pinkey yuh weeken soun like fi mi .. Pan Sunday mi cuss badwod all day..mi cuss aff mi ex, mi cuss aff mi granson, mi cuss, cuss, cook food, cuss cuss an cuss again. When mi run outta people fi cuss out mi go nex door an cuss aff di ole lady weh live deh.. Dis marning as di alarm go aff all mi git up an cuss more bad wod and cuss, cuss, cuss til mi ketch yah. All an all I had a peaceful quiet weekend.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Bimini Bwoy: </span> Yuh can cuss eeh ooman? If mi did eva live wid yuh mi carry pan a lang road trip an lef yuh a road side mek yuh dead a bush
<span style="font-weight: bold">Dreadilocks: </span> STINK aff bway!!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jadine:</span> Lawd no badda wid yuh cussing so early ina mi marnig man. Behave unuself ina bakra wokplace!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Rastaminded_One: </span> **slurring words** Well Mi nuh memba what happen to mi dis weeken, all mi know is dat Friday night one girl hoffer mi a drink...and den...den...dis marnin Smaddy tell mi seh "hey, natty head bwoy, git up outta mi bed!".
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ep25: </span> WASN&#8217;T ME!!!!
Everybody chuckled at Ep&#8217;s comment.
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<span style="font-weight: bold">Starchile: </span> Yeah yeah .all a unu weeken soun airight but mi have some venting fi mek inyah tidey. Dis weekend I was driving down di street and dis old fart cut mi off an come infront a mi a drive 35mph .. den when mi blow mi harn fi signal im fi drive up ar move outta mi way ..di likkle big ears granpa gi mi im miggle finga. Seka dat di hole a mi front en mash up!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">TeaOOm: </span>How yuh front en fi mash up an yuh di a drive behine im?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Starchile: </span> Tea, di devil tek set ina mi an a press dat rahtid gas an ram dat moda-trucka straight ina im rahtid back! All now mi noh know if di lick noh kill im cause mi tek aff like lightening lef im deh. Dam brite!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Sistagirl: </span> No mine Starchile. All yuh do is galang a dacta an bawl fi yuh back an mek dem write a pescriptian fi yuh an den write aff all a dat expense pan yuh taxes
<span style="font-weight: bold">Starchile: </span> Yuh sure yuh can do dat Sistagirl? Dat soun like bandooloo bizniz to mi..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Sistagirl: </span> **kiss teeet** den noh muss .. Mi deh yah await pan disyah jab fi sen out di W2 farm cause as tax time come soh mi ago write aff mi house, mi pickney dem, claim mi fiance dunga Jamdung, an mi church tithes &#8230;
<span style="font-weight: bold">Empress Marsha: </span> Sistagirl Mi naah try fi bi rude but how yuh fi rite aff money weh due to Gad .. How yuh ago gi Gad money an tek ie back?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Sistagirl: </span> Excuse mi? My relationship wid Gad is tight an mi noh tink Gad a go mine if mi ask IRS fi likkle bit a di money back. Gad si seh mi heart is in im an nat di tax money. Chat bout!
<span style="font-weight: bold">EmpressMarsha: </span> A big bloodcup Coco-coco a goh grow pan yuh farhead &#8211; yuh watch! Mi tink claiming your tithe mean seh yuh neva waan gi di man noh money. Yuh jus gi money pan Sunday jus fi claim it back tax time. Unu too dam cheap an misery man!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Churhgirl: </span> A true Empress.. mi neva tink is good morals fi a claim yuh church dues cause it due to Gad. ..Sistagirl yuh cheap an teif fi true yuhnoh.. Yuh all a rab di phone company..Dam gyal nat even waan pay fi har callect call dem!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Sunshinegirl: </span> Lawd unu tap comdemn di ooman! Mi seh claim it blurtnaught. Yuh noh si di gyal have wedding a come up an every likkle change shi can get wi help har. Misis callect yuh refun yaah an when yuh get di money memba yuh owe mi $50!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Precioush1: </span> *DWL* Well mi noh know nutten bout church tithes cause a since mi granny dead ina 1978 mi goh church but mi agree bout di callect call scam! Scam dem blouse an skirt yes!!! Di fone compani dem dam teif an always a rab people so if si can cut cana- why not? Mi scam everyting fram cell phone to cable an mi noh shame..
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The conversation was interrupted by a loud slam coming from the office in the right corner:
<span style="font-weight: bold">Britisha: </span> Alicia a mek yuh tek out yuh fustratian pan di file cabinet soh? Yuh neva get nun laas night again? LOL
<span style="font-weight: bold">Alicia: </span> Mi noh ina noh mood tideh yuh hear mi.. Mi tired a di Backbiters and Suss monga dem ina dis place!! Mi jus ovahear di dutty gal <span style="font-weight: bold"> Blessed</span> A tell smaddy else seh mi tink mi [censored] can mek lemonade jus cause mi noh mingle an smiley smiley wid har.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Britisha: </span> Talk bout dutty, chatty, chatty bad-minded people. Yuh dah crew ova dehso ..di one Ensom, MsDollie, CC1 and Ivory.. dem always a
talk bout who sleep wid who, who have green card and who illegal an a run fram govament..Dem chat who noh bade, who fah toenail waan clip an who fah mout smell. Nat a wok dem a do inyah.. But as yuh paas dem, dem a smile up ina yuh face&#8230; Mi noh trus none a dem inyah mi tell yuh!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Alicia: </span> A soh mi seh to Britisha.. a some chatty chatty bad mine carry guh bring come,back stabbing,belly carring WICKED,sassafrass people wok yah!! If mi neva drap outta school mi would a lef dis blouse an skirt lang time! ..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Juicess: </span> Girl mi know exactly weh yuh a talk bout.. dat dry yeye secretary <span style="font-weight: bold"> QueenB</span> always a complain bout how mi moody an mi have bad attitude. What di hell shi know bout me.. Call mi miserable, mean an lazy but &#8211; moody &#8211; HELL NO!!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Chazproduction: </span> Girl doan talk bout dat fungus foot ooman <span style="font-weight: bold">QueenB</span> .. di ooman complain to Boss seh mi ah use di printah fi personal business. All mi tell har seh a one time mi ago use di printa fi a secan shi still goh farm complain pan mi. Look yah noh, mi jus decide fi kip to miself caah mi nuh able fi dem dutty peeple yah. dem laff up laff up wid yuh an as yuh tun yuh back dem push di knife inna it. But yuh know wah? Har day soom cum. Watch an si. DUTTY STINKING JANCROW dem!!!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Britisha: </span> Chaz calm dung an mine yuh mek di miserable ooman come ova yah yuh hear..But as yuh a talk bout Jancrow.. anybady did watch <span style="font-weight: bold"> Judge Jancrow</span> laas night? Dat ooman irk di daag crap outta mi. Shi noh have nutten name tact..Shi too dam awful a bawl aff di defendant dem an a galang like hag pan di TV.. a neva si nutten bun mi soh..
<span style="font-weight: bold">missgoodygoody_69:</span> Oh Please! Shi caan wos dan dat dam fake @$$ Ms Cleo.. Mi neva see sinting weh annoy mi so ina mi life.....Now just what di fart shi suppose to be?.. Dam ooman always a dig har skin and a pick out dirt outta har finganail dem!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Chazproduction: </span>When mi see all Miss Cleo a mek money an mi dehyah a mek likkle trupance mi feel like daag mi a tell yuh! Mi naah knack har cause mi wish mi was meking half a wey shi mek suh mi can tek care ah miself an mi fambily dem.. Mi tiyad ah wuk wid mi Typing degree an still nah get nuh rahtid pay fi it. Everyday mi come ina dis place mi wanda whey mi guh school fi four blastid years fi study typing fah! Miite as well mi tun pyhscic to bloodbaat!!
As the uproar over MsCleo continued, one of the employees interrputed with his own gripe:
<span style="font-weight: bold">Kingman: </span> lol Unu lef di ooman alone an do unu wuk.. right now a feel like a woulda jus punch smaddy inna dem mout an mash up dem jawbone to blood kekkle! cho
<span style="font-weight: bold">Capitall: </span> Easy bredda ,jus tek a deep bret memba seh yuh have 13 police recard a trail yuh.. yuh noh waan a neda one so jus chill. A mek yuh so tense idren?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Kingman: </span> Yow Capitall, one gal weh wok pan di secon floor name <span style="font-weight: bold"> BLOZ</span> noh tap falla mi all bout di place iyah! Shi a mess mi head up betren..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Capitall: </span> **DWL** ..bredren yow mi know dah chick deh.. di likkle cackbatty one weh always a roll har yeye ina har head... so a weh shi waan fram yuh star?.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Kingman: </span>It look like di gal waan gi mi di plum.... Shi waan gi mi a slice a di cake an mi well waan tek a slice to rawcus lol. Weh mi fi do?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Bandido1: </span>Noh tek di plum my yout &#8230;jus tek di cherry.**DWL* Ennyway mi nuh like di affice romance ting..dat a Nutten but trubble..tek it fram mi .. mi have one ina di affice yah a terrorize mi..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Allister: </span>Kingman tek har out fi appy hour an watch har runnings&#8230; Memba whateva yuh do, strap up an noh breed di gal .. yuh si weh happen to Jesse Jackson? Well, a true im lef all im icing ina di oomanl cake mek shi tun roun breed.
The ladies could not believe what they were hearing..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Lynn: </span> Kingman tek my word of advise Do NOT DIP YUH PEN IN DI COMPANY INK!!!! Mi naah seh nutten more!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Hottie Hot</span>: But jeezas Kingy lawd no! No do it.. shi go bawl rape layta and say yuh rape har... ..try nuh have nutten fi di wid nobody wha yuh wuk wid..But if yuh get troo tell di whole a wi mek wi scandal har blouseKut.. noh tru Jazz?!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jazz: </span>: Mi naah say a ting Hottie ..all mi know if it was mi ..mi a tek di free rooksing. When mi use to wok up a di courthouse a noh likkle Judge mi rooks aff ina di chambas&#8230;(pause) What? A weh unu a look pan mi soh fah?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Capitall</span> Jesas Jazz yuh good! A how yuh manage tan up when yuh day dun? What a woulda gi fi yuh tek mi ina yuh chambas one day <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
<span style="font-weight: bold">Kingman: </span>lol Cappy di ting have a roun phat [censored] .. a weh yuh a run fram?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Kingman: </span> Mi ago paas cause shi waan big man climb pan light post an tun mi out.. Di highest mi climb a pan di Pepsi Machine..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Capitall: </span> Mi mumma!!! mi wudda like si dah lite post winery deh - jah know.. **DWL*
<span style="font-weight: bold">NickyTheTricky:</span> Baxide,di gal a acrobat..if a laugh a dead! Some people strange sah! Kingman carry har roun a di back a di church up di street .. yuh goodly hear di church people dem a sing <span style="font-style: italic"> Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer Lord to thee</span> Woooiiie DWL!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Brownsugga </span> Carry di gal goh rooks har aff ina yuh cyar one lunch time man&#8230;.mi noh know nutten bout dem tings ..a jus soh mi hear
<span style="font-weight: bold">Kingman: </span>lol unu oomens freeking funny lol.. mi nah dweet inna mi cyar, mi nuh want nuh stain pon mi cyar seet
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ensom:</span> Suh Kingy, a nuh ledda car seat yuh ave? Eeda way all yuh affi duh is wipe up yuh people dem wen yuh done *DWL*
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jazz: </span> DWL! Genkle Jesas Meek an mile dis is di day mi ago loose di likkle wok to rahtid ..woeeee **wiping yeyes**
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In the midst of the laughter, the employees heard the boss coming and hurridly shuffled papers pretending to do work. The boss stood outside his office looking very stern as his eyes circled the room. His eyes became peirced on one of the employees and he used his fingers to call her.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Islandmutt: </span> Aye Miss Jackie &#8211; come here! Step ina mi affice please
<span style="font-weight: bold">TeaOom: </span> woooooh Jackie, yah sure in trouble now. Boss man look very crazy in he face.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> Shush Tea.. nutten more dan im ago warn mi fi bi nice to di new girl..Yuh know dem always a blame mi fi run wey di new people dem weh come yah..Mi soon come back
She walked in the office and closed the door.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span>Yes sar .. what is di prablem why mi ina yuh affice?
<span style="font-weight: bold">IslandMutt: </span> You is wan mysterious smaddy and mi nuh like dat. Fram di day yuh start wok yah nobaddy noh know much bout yu, nat even yuh bra an baggy size .Now pan tap of yuh many mysteries, one new smaddy jus file assault against yuh.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span>MI SAR??!!..WHY EVERYBADY ALWAYS A BLAME MI FI ASSUALT DI NEW EMPLOYEES DEM.. a noh fi mi fault if dem soofas caan tek rooksing ..ahhmmm mi mean RAMPING!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">IslandMutt: </span> Lowa yuh vize ooman!!, yuh tink yuh deh dung a MayPen Market. Well dis is no ramping matta.. dis is a serious offense yuh been charge fah. Now, I need some hinformayshan fram yuh an yuh betta ansa mi straight. I need to know weh yuh come fram, how lang yuh dehyah an what is yuh relationship to <span style="font-weight: bold"> Bandido1 </span>
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> Mi deh yah jus ova chree years now an mi come fram Kingston - battam a Red Hills.. an mi an Bandido1 noh have nutten .. Sar if yuh a accuse mi a sinting talk an dun, cause mi have mi wok fi do.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Islandmutt: </span> Well Ms Jackie be very afraid ..Be veeerrryyy afraid. Cuase dis Man Mister<span style="font-weight: bold"> Bandido1</span> file a complaint dat yuh hole im dung an rape im inna di back a di cafeteria..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> Kis mi Rahtid! SEH WAH??? How di baxide it possible fi a oooman fi rape a man? Mek mi tell yuh somting Mista Mutty, evrytime dat dam bwaay si mi im teelie tan up ina di air stiff, stiff an im always a seh im wan do it to mi.. Finally mi agree fi go do a ting ina di cafateria an di Blood Cleet ediat bway flop!! A it mek im a come beesmerch mi Charactah <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
<span style="font-weight: bold">IslandMutt: </span> A noh dat mi hear happen!..mek a ring in Mista Bandido to come in here and explain imself. (he picks up the phone and dials Bandido&#8217;s number).. Yes Bandi..If yuh doan mine please step ina mi affice fi a minute&#8230; Have some questians fi yuh sar..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Bandido1: </span> Yes sar ..coming right up. (he hangs up)
As he passed down the all way towards the office, everyone got a little suspicious.
Bandido opened the office door and walked in while clasping his hands infront of him in an angelic pose. He was careful not to look at Jackie.
<span style="font-weight: bold">IslandMutt: </span> Well bandido, it appears that Ms Jackie here is saying yuh were a willing participant in dis ting unu do roun a di Kitchen back.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Bandido: </span> No No No !! Is a dam LIE!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> HOW YUH MEAN SEH&#8230;
<span style="font-weight: bold">IslandMutt: </span> Mek im finish talking Jackie .. siddung an shet yuh mout an noh seh nutten til mi tell yuh fi chat ..Cantinue Bandi
<span style="font-weight: bold">Bandido1:</span> Yes sar ..as mi was saying ..is lie shi telling. One day mi jus ask har if shi wan play domino afta wok but it look like all weh did deh pan har mine is fi play ping pong wid mi ding dong&#8230;.Next ting I know shi laywait mi afta wok and drag mi ina di back a di kitchen. Is a dam disgrace how shi tear aff mi unda pants an rooks mi aff all when mi a bawl out &#8220;Rape an Murda&#8221;!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> (with her hands in the air) Now how di baxide yuh manage get stiff gainst yuh will an mi neva have a gun to yuh ead??? (pleading her case) Mista Mutt, how on Gad&#8217;s eart mi gwine tell im seh mi a go rooks him awf an im tan up deh wid a tent hice up inna im pants an a say no??? How dat fi goh?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Bandido1: </span> Mista Mutt doan lissen to har mi seh!! &#8211;A doan know which one a dem wos &#8211; a lyad ar a teif .. it woulda betta if dis gal yah did teif sinting fram mi dan a tell so much dam lie ina mi face .. A feel so used an dash weh!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie : </span>But Missa Mutt &#8211; a im jook mi wid im pengaleng! How im fi cry rape?!!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">IslandMutt: </span> Well I have heard enough.. dis is what gwine happen. If yuh was Halle Berry mi woulda let yuh goh and ask yuh fi rape mi to but since yuh a nuten close to Halle..mi gwine have to fyah yuh baxide for raping a half ediat. Tek yuh tings and leave Ms Jackie .. yuh is threat to all di man dem in dis wokplace!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie:</span> Aint dis some Sheeeeet! Jus so an yuh fyah mi an call mi a treat to di man dem ??!! ..is airight mi cool.. a noh nutten
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Jackie furiously head to her desk , slamed a box on her desk and began to throw her belonging in it. Her co-workers looked on with wondering stares:
<span style="font-weight: bold">TeaOom:</span> Jackie yuh aright mah love? A wah Boss man seh to yuh?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> (panting hard)Yuh si dah marble yeye, mash mout bway Bandido!!.. Yuh watch an an si if a noh buss im ***** when a ketch im.
By this time everybody pause to hear what had happened between her and Bandido.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> Well dem fyah mi!! Dem fhah mi cause di dutty bway tell dem seh mi rape im! (shaking head) Bwoy oh Bowy mi get di peica wok fi buy one new cyar an now mi behine screwed! Mi can kiss dat deh cyar deh good bye an gwaan ride mi skoota all bout..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Juicess: </span> **kiss teet* How dem fi fyah yuh fi rape. .. mi rape mi husband nuff time. Bandido a ediat! Weh im go report dat fah? **kiss tet* Yuh know how much man would a love fi get rape?
The men in the corner mumbled and giggled among themselves:
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jahlive:</span> Woyooyeee!! Tory come to bump! But look how lang mi a beg Jackie fi piece an shi goh gi it to Bandi before mi?! Bugga! If shi did come a mi,.mi woulden bawl fi rape ..mi woulda jus lie dung deh an tek it!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Allister: </span> Mi was always fraida a dat gal Jackie yuh noh Jahlive.. cause shi always look like shi wi jus ole yuh dung an tek it.. Shi noh know seh man fi chase ooman an nat di odda way roun!! Dam Gal noh noh have no control man! Si deh now shi loose har wok..
<span style="font-weight: bold">BiminiBwoy: </span> Well mi ago Miss Jackie an har big ti-tit dem weh shi carry unda har arm-pit&#8230;
(walking over to console Jackie)
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jazz girl:</span> Jackie mi love, you have strength, an yuh wi mek it troo yuh hear. Yuh neva di nutten wrang..ooman have di right fi pursue a man if she so desire an rooks im! Somtime when mi feel freaky mi wi gi mi man di trill a him life so mi muss know.. But Jackie, mi keep telling yuh, yuh muss know when fi back off dowe..Yuh hangle di man dem too rough.. a grab up dem teelie ina public an dem tings deh
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ep25: </span> **kiss teet** A weh yuh a tell di girl seh? Back aff a wah?? Naah man.. Ooman fi tun an di agany nun-stap! Shi shoulda come to mi mek a school har pan di seductian rules an regulatian .. Like di one weh yuh tie up Mista Mutty an seduce im into giving yuh a jab yuh noh qualify fah an&#8230;
All eyes turned to Ep in shock hearing what she had just said.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ep25: </span> (covering mouth)Uuuuhhhmmm .. ooops! <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Figet weh mi jus seh
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> No no, no, no.. figet wah? Weh yuh jus seh?! Yuh do wha fi get wah?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ep25: </span> Who know wha JABBY mean?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> Likkle gal doan ramp wid mi&#8230;.tap change di subject an ansa mi!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ep25:</span> Well uuhmm.. yuh si wha happen was ..uuhhmm Mista Mutt tell mi seh im wife well ole pas 80 an im did well waan release.. so im pramise mi di jab if mi do it wid im ina canference room.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ensomgirl:</span> Lawd gad! Den a di same canference room dem announce seh ham sandwich did ina ?! Di same one weh di whole a unu go crape up di food like vulcha?!! Yuh si a dem nastyness deh mek mi noh nyam nutten weh lef ova yah .. All wen white squall a tek mi rawcha chawcha mi nuh wan none a dem food!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jazz: </span> Jeesam Crimos!! Awah dis mi a hear !! Mi an yuh Ensom - mi neva waan dem lefovas neida&#8230; Mi know smaddy weh neva badda buy lunch troo dem ah wait pon de freeniss...
<span style="font-weight: bold">Chayil:</span> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Jazz tap chat bout mi! Mi neva nyam di food ..mi pack it up ina mi van fi goh gi mi man!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jazz: </span> Mi trow mi carn .. mi noh cawl noh fowl
<span style="font-weight: bold">Lynn: </span> Mi dun tell unu arred seh Do NOT DIP YUH PEN IN DI COMPANY INK!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> Misis mine mi tek di company pen an jook yuh ina yuh big yeye dem..anybady ask yuh anyting?? Unu realize seh dis man a fhay mi fi di same ting im do? Well dis noh done! So help mi Gad mi a carry di whole lat a dem a court fi dis&#8230;
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jazzgirl:</span> Jackie me ago put in a special prayer fi you mi fren. Widout yuh dis affice gwine bi dead fi troot <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ((Jackie) Di tings dem seh bout yuh is pure lie! Well atleast mi hope soh cause di laas time mi swear fi yuh mi en up shame..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jamericangirl: </span> No mine yaah Jackie.. mi will stan by yuh til di very en. Memba mi a di President fi yuh fan club. Mi ago miss yuh bad but one questian - mi can get yuh lunch cyard since yuh noh have noh use fi it no more?..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie:</span> Yuh coulden wait til mi lef fi tink bout yuh gut eeh? Anyway mi gaan people.. Tanks fi di love an fi fun. Mi ago miss unu but a so it goh.. Res assured mi ago bi aright&#8230; Britisha mi fren, watch fi mi pan di <span style="font-weight: bold">Judge Jancrow </span> show cause mi an Mista Mutty baxide a court!! Unu tek care&#8230;
The employees stood somberly and watched Jackie leaving with her packed box and her cheap fabric handbag under her arm.
----------------
END OF THE WORK DAY
The mood was never the same for the rest of the day. It was approaching 5 o&#8217;clcok and the employees were hustling about getting ready to grab their belongings to leave. One by one they waved goodbye as they bolted through the door.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ensomgirl: </span> (stretching at her desk) Wooii sah what a day! .mi so glad di day dun to backfoot...mi a dead fi ketch a mi yad fi fix up some Powk ribs..dis yah diet a kill mi to baxide, nat a ting noh ina mi belly.. all mi ado is pee-pee an pass gas all day..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jambrit: </span> (shutting off her PC to leave) Lawd Esnsom (DWL) yuh noh easy. Come wid mi a mi regula spot tinite noh... Wi can ketch some real food dung a <span style="font-style: italic"> Lang&#8211;Hood Tavern </span>!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ensom: </span> Fart! .. a which restaurant name soh? Dem have Powk Ribs dung deh?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jambrit: </span> Mi noh know bout Powk Ribs but dem serve a healthy supply a pengaleng.. a one strip Joint pan Utica street man..yuh a come?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ensom: </span> Ooooh Mi memba dah place deh.. a deyhso mi husban meet mi ..yuh know sliding dung di lang pole an all.. a joke yaah <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> .. yeah man ..dat soun very apitizing . Mi wi goh fatten mi yeye yes!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Hottie Hott: </span> Unu really a go a strip club?? .. A noh man ting dat ?Mi woulda come wid unu but mi man ago kill mi if im eva hear seh mi goh a strip club.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jahlive: </span> Hotttie Baby, go home to yuh man yaah . Mi neva coulda undatsan dem place deh to baxide. Dem place deh a shreggreis an armshouse cause yuh deh deh a pay yuh money an dem noh mek yuh feel up feel up di ooman dem Mi no inna di look but no touch policy! Mek dem gwey!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jambrit: </span> Jahlive tap yuh nize! A big man like yuh caan goh a strip club an cantrol yuself...If a eva mi yuh come feel up feel up ina club yuh si - a woulda pit right ina yuh crusty face!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jahlive: </span> Pit ina whofah face! Gal afta yuh noh renk! Mi nat saying mi caan cantrol miself. Mi jus a seh mi noh flex dem way deh .. until dem mek wi feel up di ooman dem mi naah go deh . Mi wi wait til mi go a Jamdung cause dem mek wi feel up di ooman dem dung deh.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jambrit: </span> **kiss teet** All wah wrang wid yuh is dat yuh nasty an waan put yuh han ina di ooman dem drawz. Anyway a Ensome mi did a chat to, mi noh know how yuh get ina mii argument**cut yeye** Ensom, yuh still a come &#8211; right?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ensom:</span> Yeah but come wi go now so mi can ketch di happy hour special..hungry a kill mi man. Si yuh tomorraw Jahlive
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jahlive: </span> (still bitter) Unu galang whe unu a go .. a hope unu man buss unu Skull when unu ketch a unu yaad.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jambrit: </span> **kiss teet** Ensom, come yaah. Jahlive a look smaddy fi kip up argument wid an mi noh have noh time yah now ..<span style="font-style: italic"> Lang-Hood Tavern</span> here we come!! Wooohooo!!!!!!
The ladies exited the office wiggling their butts in excitement and jeering Jahlive. Shortly after the office was left empty and dark .. waiting for the group to disturb it&#8217;s peace the next work day..
The END
The first order of Monday morning, the employees of the <span style="font-style: italic"> DOSL</span> (Department of Sky-Larkas) were introduced to a new employee by their Manager.
<span style="font-weight: bold">IslandMutt: </span> Good Morning folks, As you all know wi had a Potenshal Hemplaiment Hoppichunity here at DOSL an am happy to announce dat I found di right smaddy fi di jab. It is with great pleasa dat I intraduce yuh to a lovely new hemployee who will be joining our staff today. Please give a warm welcome to Ms <span style="font-weight: bold">EP25</span>!!
The employees applauded. She stepped forward and spoke with gratitude.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ep25:</span> Tank yuh, Tank yuh Well it feel good to bi right here where whole heaps a man deh ..I tink I will like dis jab betta dan di one mi quit laas Tuesday..It is such a pleasa to be here an when I seh &#8220;pleasa&#8221; a mean <span style="font-style: italic"> pleasa!</span> I am a very skillful worka an mi plan fi use all mi special skills pan all heads in yah&#8230;and pan tap a dat..
The Manger got a little nervous and interrupted
<span style="font-weight: bold">IslandMutt: </span> Hahaha Haha .Ho ho ho .. funny Ms Ep. Yuh too funny. (wispering) <span style="font-style: italic"> shut up yuh mout before yuh seh sinting yuh live fi regret.</span>
<span style="font-weight: bold">NickyTricky: </span> (whispering) Den Tird Yeye a mek she decide fi wear di shawtest mini skirt come a wok. Nutten more dan shi a try entice di man dem roun yah
<span style="font-weight: bold">ThirdEye: </span> (whispering.)..Somting noh soun right bout dis gal. A weh shi mean by one special skill shi ago use pan all heads. I wonder how long it ago tek dem fi fine out seh dis gal a one skeeza.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jamericangirl: </span> Dat deh mini skirt noh bad like dem foot shi have inna di open back shoes. How har heel look like shi a dig yam soh? What is up with that? Shi noh know bout moisturizin lotion an some basaline?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Bimini Bwoy: </span> Dat noh bad yet .. ketch di pieca track inna di front har dam head!! Di gal noh si seh shi noh have enuf hair fi cover di dyam track...luk like centypede a run all ova har ead. A which man bout yah shi tink ago waan deal wid har wid dat deh ***** head?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> Kingman! .. mi know fi a fact im wi do dat wid noh prablem
Shortly one of the employees came stumbling in late.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ensom: </span> Hottie she late again to rahtid .Den shi nat even hav any mannas fi a big ooman. Everyday dis gal walk pass yuh all day an caan even seh mawnin, evenin, or howdy do.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> A soh when dem can afford likkle Bershache dem galang like dem betta dan people misis&#8230;
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ensom: </span> Yuh si weh mi a seh Jackie.. imagine wi all wuk a di same place .. shi can at least nad an smile. Mi Gad. Shi galang lakka seh it a guh kill har fi seh hello to people.
<span style="font-weight: bold"> Queen</span> Ensom everyday shi come late shi have di audacity fi deh pan di intanet a surf di porn site site all day&#8230;she want a good beating!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jazz</span> An nutten noh pure like snow like shi di way how shi can gwaan&#8230; at least mi can admit seh mi freaky.
----------------------
An older lady came forward and took the new employee to the side and gave her some tips in private
<span style="font-weight: bold">QueenB: </span> Welcome Ms Ep.. it&#8217;s really great to have yuh working here wid us. I am di company secretary an I am di one dat callect all di money towards di Birtday fund aroun here. Yuh mus pay $250 per pay check towards di Birtday fund and yuh mus give it to me an only me.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ep25:</span>Mi neva sign up fi noh birtday fund when mi apply.. Mi sure seh everybady noh haffi pay fi dat .. mi a Jehovah witness an mi noh celibrate birtday..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Queenb: </span> (draping her by her blouse collar) Lissen to mi likkle gal.. yuh gwine pay dese dues wid no argument! Doan mek mi haffi grab yuh by yuh weave an slam yuh bloodbaught head pan di counta!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ep25</span>: Daaaaamm lady! Why yuh a truck it soh? .. well den, mi can altleast get one JVC or a Toshiba componian set when mi birtday come?
<span style="font-weight: bold">QueenB:</span> (in a threatning voice) Jus pay di dues .. dats all yuh need fi know right now.. jus pay di blinking dues .. (she walks away)
-------------------
At their respective work areas the employes began their daily computer data entry among small talk:
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jadine: </span>So how was unu weekend? Mi waa know all weh unnu do.wah happen, weh unnu go?
<span style="font-weight: bold">PinkeyLou: </span> Lawd all mi do is Sleep, Sleep,Sleep, Sleep,Sleep ..mi get up nyam some icecream an go back go sleep. Mi get up one time fi use di teilet cause di icecream neva gree wid mi belly... an a right pan di teilet seat mi drap asleep again fi di res a day.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Dreadilocks: </span> Pinkey yuh weeken soun like fi mi .. Pan Sunday mi cuss badwod all day..mi cuss aff mi ex, mi cuss aff mi granson, mi cuss, cuss, cook food, cuss cuss an cuss again. When mi run outta people fi cuss out mi go nex door an cuss aff di ole lady weh live deh.. Dis marning as di alarm go aff all mi git up an cuss more bad wod and cuss, cuss, cuss til mi ketch yah. All an all I had a peaceful quiet weekend.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Bimini Bwoy: </span> Yuh can cuss eeh ooman? If mi did eva live wid yuh mi carry pan a lang road trip an lef yuh a road side mek yuh dead a bush
<span style="font-weight: bold">Dreadilocks: </span> STINK aff bway!!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jadine:</span> Lawd no badda wid yuh cussing so early ina mi marnig man. Behave unuself ina bakra wokplace!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Rastaminded_One: </span> **slurring words** Well Mi nuh memba what happen to mi dis weeken, all mi know is dat Friday night one girl hoffer mi a drink...and den...den...dis marnin Smaddy tell mi seh "hey, natty head bwoy, git up outta mi bed!".
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ep25: </span> WASN&#8217;T ME!!!!
Everybody chuckled at Ep&#8217;s comment.
-------------------
<span style="font-weight: bold">Starchile: </span> Yeah yeah .all a unu weeken soun airight but mi have some venting fi mek inyah tidey. Dis weekend I was driving down di street and dis old fart cut mi off an come infront a mi a drive 35mph .. den when mi blow mi harn fi signal im fi drive up ar move outta mi way ..di likkle big ears granpa gi mi im miggle finga. Seka dat di hole a mi front en mash up!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">TeaOOm: </span>How yuh front en fi mash up an yuh di a drive behine im?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Starchile: </span> Tea, di devil tek set ina mi an a press dat rahtid gas an ram dat moda-trucka straight ina im rahtid back! All now mi noh know if di lick noh kill im cause mi tek aff like lightening lef im deh. Dam brite!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Sistagirl: </span> No mine Starchile. All yuh do is galang a dacta an bawl fi yuh back an mek dem write a pescriptian fi yuh an den write aff all a dat expense pan yuh taxes
<span style="font-weight: bold">Starchile: </span> Yuh sure yuh can do dat Sistagirl? Dat soun like bandooloo bizniz to mi..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Sistagirl: </span> **kiss teeet** den noh muss .. Mi deh yah await pan disyah jab fi sen out di W2 farm cause as tax time come soh mi ago write aff mi house, mi pickney dem, claim mi fiance dunga Jamdung, an mi church tithes &#8230;
<span style="font-weight: bold">Empress Marsha: </span> Sistagirl Mi naah try fi bi rude but how yuh fi rite aff money weh due to Gad .. How yuh ago gi Gad money an tek ie back?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Sistagirl: </span> Excuse mi? My relationship wid Gad is tight an mi noh tink Gad a go mine if mi ask IRS fi likkle bit a di money back. Gad si seh mi heart is in im an nat di tax money. Chat bout!
<span style="font-weight: bold">EmpressMarsha: </span> A big bloodcup Coco-coco a goh grow pan yuh farhead &#8211; yuh watch! Mi tink claiming your tithe mean seh yuh neva waan gi di man noh money. Yuh jus gi money pan Sunday jus fi claim it back tax time. Unu too dam cheap an misery man!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Churhgirl: </span> A true Empress.. mi neva tink is good morals fi a claim yuh church dues cause it due to Gad. ..Sistagirl yuh cheap an teif fi true yuhnoh.. Yuh all a rab di phone company..Dam gyal nat even waan pay fi har callect call dem!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Sunshinegirl: </span> Lawd unu tap comdemn di ooman! Mi seh claim it blurtnaught. Yuh noh si di gyal have wedding a come up an every likkle change shi can get wi help har. Misis callect yuh refun yaah an when yuh get di money memba yuh owe mi $50!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Precioush1: </span> *DWL* Well mi noh know nutten bout church tithes cause a since mi granny dead ina 1978 mi goh church but mi agree bout di callect call scam! Scam dem blouse an skirt yes!!! Di fone compani dem dam teif an always a rab people so if si can cut cana- why not? Mi scam everyting fram cell phone to cable an mi noh shame..
-----------------
The conversation was interrupted by a loud slam coming from the office in the right corner:
<span style="font-weight: bold">Britisha: </span> Alicia a mek yuh tek out yuh fustratian pan di file cabinet soh? Yuh neva get nun laas night again? LOL
<span style="font-weight: bold">Alicia: </span> Mi noh ina noh mood tideh yuh hear mi.. Mi tired a di Backbiters and Suss monga dem ina dis place!! Mi jus ovahear di dutty gal <span style="font-weight: bold"> Blessed</span> A tell smaddy else seh mi tink mi [censored] can mek lemonade jus cause mi noh mingle an smiley smiley wid har.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Britisha: </span> Talk bout dutty, chatty, chatty bad-minded people. Yuh dah crew ova dehso ..di one Ensom, MsDollie, CC1 and Ivory.. dem always a
talk bout who sleep wid who, who have green card and who illegal an a run fram govament..Dem chat who noh bade, who fah toenail waan clip an who fah mout smell. Nat a wok dem a do inyah.. But as yuh paas dem, dem a smile up ina yuh face&#8230; Mi noh trus none a dem inyah mi tell yuh!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Alicia: </span> A soh mi seh to Britisha.. a some chatty chatty bad mine carry guh bring come,back stabbing,belly carring WICKED,sassafrass people wok yah!! If mi neva drap outta school mi would a lef dis blouse an skirt lang time! ..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Juicess: </span> Girl mi know exactly weh yuh a talk bout.. dat dry yeye secretary <span style="font-weight: bold"> QueenB</span> always a complain bout how mi moody an mi have bad attitude. What di hell shi know bout me.. Call mi miserable, mean an lazy but &#8211; moody &#8211; HELL NO!!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Chazproduction: </span> Girl doan talk bout dat fungus foot ooman <span style="font-weight: bold">QueenB</span> .. di ooman complain to Boss seh mi ah use di printah fi personal business. All mi tell har seh a one time mi ago use di printa fi a secan shi still goh farm complain pan mi. Look yah noh, mi jus decide fi kip to miself caah mi nuh able fi dem dutty peeple yah. dem laff up laff up wid yuh an as yuh tun yuh back dem push di knife inna it. But yuh know wah? Har day soom cum. Watch an si. DUTTY STINKING JANCROW dem!!!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Britisha: </span> Chaz calm dung an mine yuh mek di miserable ooman come ova yah yuh hear..But as yuh a talk bout Jancrow.. anybady did watch <span style="font-weight: bold"> Judge Jancrow</span> laas night? Dat ooman irk di daag crap outta mi. Shi noh have nutten name tact..Shi too dam awful a bawl aff di defendant dem an a galang like hag pan di TV.. a neva si nutten bun mi soh..
<span style="font-weight: bold">missgoodygoody_69:</span> Oh Please! Shi caan wos dan dat dam fake @$$ Ms Cleo.. Mi neva see sinting weh annoy mi so ina mi life.....Now just what di fart shi suppose to be?.. Dam ooman always a dig har skin and a pick out dirt outta har finganail dem!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Chazproduction: </span>When mi see all Miss Cleo a mek money an mi dehyah a mek likkle trupance mi feel like daag mi a tell yuh! Mi naah knack har cause mi wish mi was meking half a wey shi mek suh mi can tek care ah miself an mi fambily dem.. Mi tiyad ah wuk wid mi Typing degree an still nah get nuh rahtid pay fi it. Everyday mi come ina dis place mi wanda whey mi guh school fi four blastid years fi study typing fah! Miite as well mi tun pyhscic to bloodbaat!!
As the uproar over MsCleo continued, one of the employees interrputed with his own gripe:
<span style="font-weight: bold">Kingman: </span> lol Unu lef di ooman alone an do unu wuk.. right now a feel like a woulda jus punch smaddy inna dem mout an mash up dem jawbone to blood kekkle! cho
<span style="font-weight: bold">Capitall: </span> Easy bredda ,jus tek a deep bret memba seh yuh have 13 police recard a trail yuh.. yuh noh waan a neda one so jus chill. A mek yuh so tense idren?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Kingman: </span> Yow Capitall, one gal weh wok pan di secon floor name <span style="font-weight: bold"> BLOZ</span> noh tap falla mi all bout di place iyah! Shi a mess mi head up betren..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Capitall: </span> **DWL** ..bredren yow mi know dah chick deh.. di likkle cackbatty one weh always a roll har yeye ina har head... so a weh shi waan fram yuh star?.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Kingman: </span>It look like di gal waan gi mi di plum.... Shi waan gi mi a slice a di cake an mi well waan tek a slice to rawcus lol. Weh mi fi do?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Bandido1: </span>Noh tek di plum my yout &#8230;jus tek di cherry.**DWL* Ennyway mi nuh like di affice romance ting..dat a Nutten but trubble..tek it fram mi .. mi have one ina di affice yah a terrorize mi..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Allister: </span>Kingman tek har out fi appy hour an watch har runnings&#8230; Memba whateva yuh do, strap up an noh breed di gal .. yuh si weh happen to Jesse Jackson? Well, a true im lef all im icing ina di oomanl cake mek shi tun roun breed.
The ladies could not believe what they were hearing..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Lynn: </span> Kingman tek my word of advise Do NOT DIP YUH PEN IN DI COMPANY INK!!!! Mi naah seh nutten more!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Hottie Hot</span>: But jeezas Kingy lawd no! No do it.. shi go bawl rape layta and say yuh rape har... ..try nuh have nutten fi di wid nobody wha yuh wuk wid..But if yuh get troo tell di whole a wi mek wi scandal har blouseKut.. noh tru Jazz?!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jazz: </span>: Mi naah say a ting Hottie ..all mi know if it was mi ..mi a tek di free rooksing. When mi use to wok up a di courthouse a noh likkle Judge mi rooks aff ina di chambas&#8230;(pause) What? A weh unu a look pan mi soh fah?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Capitall</span> Jesas Jazz yuh good! A how yuh manage tan up when yuh day dun? What a woulda gi fi yuh tek mi ina yuh chambas one day <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
<span style="font-weight: bold">Kingman: </span>lol Cappy di ting have a roun phat [censored] .. a weh yuh a run fram?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Kingman: </span> Mi ago paas cause shi waan big man climb pan light post an tun mi out.. Di highest mi climb a pan di Pepsi Machine..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Capitall: </span> Mi mumma!!! mi wudda like si dah lite post winery deh - jah know.. **DWL*
<span style="font-weight: bold">NickyTheTricky:</span> Baxide,di gal a acrobat..if a laugh a dead! Some people strange sah! Kingman carry har roun a di back a di church up di street .. yuh goodly hear di church people dem a sing <span style="font-style: italic"> Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer Lord to thee</span> Woooiiie DWL!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Brownsugga </span> Carry di gal goh rooks har aff ina yuh cyar one lunch time man&#8230;.mi noh know nutten bout dem tings ..a jus soh mi hear
<span style="font-weight: bold">Kingman: </span>lol unu oomens freeking funny lol.. mi nah dweet inna mi cyar, mi nuh want nuh stain pon mi cyar seet
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ensom:</span> Suh Kingy, a nuh ledda car seat yuh ave? Eeda way all yuh affi duh is wipe up yuh people dem wen yuh done *DWL*
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jazz: </span> DWL! Genkle Jesas Meek an mile dis is di day mi ago loose di likkle wok to rahtid ..woeeee **wiping yeyes**
--------
In the midst of the laughter, the employees heard the boss coming and hurridly shuffled papers pretending to do work. The boss stood outside his office looking very stern as his eyes circled the room. His eyes became peirced on one of the employees and he used his fingers to call her.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Islandmutt: </span> Aye Miss Jackie &#8211; come here! Step ina mi affice please
<span style="font-weight: bold">TeaOom: </span> woooooh Jackie, yah sure in trouble now. Boss man look very crazy in he face.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> Shush Tea.. nutten more dan im ago warn mi fi bi nice to di new girl..Yuh know dem always a blame mi fi run wey di new people dem weh come yah..Mi soon come back
She walked in the office and closed the door.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span>Yes sar .. what is di prablem why mi ina yuh affice?
<span style="font-weight: bold">IslandMutt: </span> You is wan mysterious smaddy and mi nuh like dat. Fram di day yuh start wok yah nobaddy noh know much bout yu, nat even yuh bra an baggy size .Now pan tap of yuh many mysteries, one new smaddy jus file assault against yuh.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span>MI SAR??!!..WHY EVERYBADY ALWAYS A BLAME MI FI ASSUALT DI NEW EMPLOYEES DEM.. a noh fi mi fault if dem soofas caan tek rooksing ..ahhmmm mi mean RAMPING!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">IslandMutt: </span> Lowa yuh vize ooman!!, yuh tink yuh deh dung a MayPen Market. Well dis is no ramping matta.. dis is a serious offense yuh been charge fah. Now, I need some hinformayshan fram yuh an yuh betta ansa mi straight. I need to know weh yuh come fram, how lang yuh dehyah an what is yuh relationship to <span style="font-weight: bold"> Bandido1 </span>
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> Mi deh yah jus ova chree years now an mi come fram Kingston - battam a Red Hills.. an mi an Bandido1 noh have nutten .. Sar if yuh a accuse mi a sinting talk an dun, cause mi have mi wok fi do.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Islandmutt: </span> Well Ms Jackie be very afraid ..Be veeerrryyy afraid. Cuase dis Man Mister<span style="font-weight: bold"> Bandido1</span> file a complaint dat yuh hole im dung an rape im inna di back a di cafeteria..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> Kis mi Rahtid! SEH WAH??? How di baxide it possible fi a oooman fi rape a man? Mek mi tell yuh somting Mista Mutty, evrytime dat dam bwaay si mi im teelie tan up ina di air stiff, stiff an im always a seh im wan do it to mi.. Finally mi agree fi go do a ting ina di cafateria an di Blood Cleet ediat bway flop!! A it mek im a come beesmerch mi Charactah <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
<span style="font-weight: bold">IslandMutt: </span> A noh dat mi hear happen!..mek a ring in Mista Bandido to come in here and explain imself. (he picks up the phone and dials Bandido&#8217;s number).. Yes Bandi..If yuh doan mine please step ina mi affice fi a minute&#8230; Have some questians fi yuh sar..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Bandido1: </span> Yes sar ..coming right up. (he hangs up)
As he passed down the all way towards the office, everyone got a little suspicious.
Bandido opened the office door and walked in while clasping his hands infront of him in an angelic pose. He was careful not to look at Jackie.
<span style="font-weight: bold">IslandMutt: </span> Well bandido, it appears that Ms Jackie here is saying yuh were a willing participant in dis ting unu do roun a di Kitchen back.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Bandido: </span> No No No !! Is a dam LIE!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> HOW YUH MEAN SEH&#8230;
<span style="font-weight: bold">IslandMutt: </span> Mek im finish talking Jackie .. siddung an shet yuh mout an noh seh nutten til mi tell yuh fi chat ..Cantinue Bandi
<span style="font-weight: bold">Bandido1:</span> Yes sar ..as mi was saying ..is lie shi telling. One day mi jus ask har if shi wan play domino afta wok but it look like all weh did deh pan har mine is fi play ping pong wid mi ding dong&#8230;.Next ting I know shi laywait mi afta wok and drag mi ina di back a di kitchen. Is a dam disgrace how shi tear aff mi unda pants an rooks mi aff all when mi a bawl out &#8220;Rape an Murda&#8221;!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> (with her hands in the air) Now how di baxide yuh manage get stiff gainst yuh will an mi neva have a gun to yuh ead??? (pleading her case) Mista Mutt, how on Gad&#8217;s eart mi gwine tell im seh mi a go rooks him awf an im tan up deh wid a tent hice up inna im pants an a say no??? How dat fi goh?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Bandido1: </span> Mista Mutt doan lissen to har mi seh!! &#8211;A doan know which one a dem wos &#8211; a lyad ar a teif .. it woulda betta if dis gal yah did teif sinting fram mi dan a tell so much dam lie ina mi face .. A feel so used an dash weh!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie : </span>But Missa Mutt &#8211; a im jook mi wid im pengaleng! How im fi cry rape?!!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">IslandMutt: </span> Well I have heard enough.. dis is what gwine happen. If yuh was Halle Berry mi woulda let yuh goh and ask yuh fi rape mi to but since yuh a nuten close to Halle..mi gwine have to fyah yuh baxide for raping a half ediat. Tek yuh tings and leave Ms Jackie .. yuh is threat to all di man dem in dis wokplace!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie:</span> Aint dis some Sheeeeet! Jus so an yuh fyah mi an call mi a treat to di man dem ??!! ..is airight mi cool.. a noh nutten
--------
Jackie furiously head to her desk , slamed a box on her desk and began to throw her belonging in it. Her co-workers looked on with wondering stares:
<span style="font-weight: bold">TeaOom:</span> Jackie yuh aright mah love? A wah Boss man seh to yuh?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> (panting hard)Yuh si dah marble yeye, mash mout bway Bandido!!.. Yuh watch an an si if a noh buss im ***** when a ketch im.
By this time everybody pause to hear what had happened between her and Bandido.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> Well dem fyah mi!! Dem fhah mi cause di dutty bway tell dem seh mi rape im! (shaking head) Bwoy oh Bowy mi get di peica wok fi buy one new cyar an now mi behine screwed! Mi can kiss dat deh cyar deh good bye an gwaan ride mi skoota all bout..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Juicess: </span> **kiss teet* How dem fi fyah yuh fi rape. .. mi rape mi husband nuff time. Bandido a ediat! Weh im go report dat fah? **kiss tet* Yuh know how much man would a love fi get rape?
The men in the corner mumbled and giggled among themselves:
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jahlive:</span> Woyooyeee!! Tory come to bump! But look how lang mi a beg Jackie fi piece an shi goh gi it to Bandi before mi?! Bugga! If shi did come a mi,.mi woulden bawl fi rape ..mi woulda jus lie dung deh an tek it!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Allister: </span> Mi was always fraida a dat gal Jackie yuh noh Jahlive.. cause shi always look like shi wi jus ole yuh dung an tek it.. Shi noh know seh man fi chase ooman an nat di odda way roun!! Dam Gal noh noh have no control man! Si deh now shi loose har wok..
<span style="font-weight: bold">BiminiBwoy: </span> Well mi ago Miss Jackie an har big ti-tit dem weh shi carry unda har arm-pit&#8230;
(walking over to console Jackie)
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jazz girl:</span> Jackie mi love, you have strength, an yuh wi mek it troo yuh hear. Yuh neva di nutten wrang..ooman have di right fi pursue a man if she so desire an rooks im! Somtime when mi feel freaky mi wi gi mi man di trill a him life so mi muss know.. But Jackie, mi keep telling yuh, yuh muss know when fi back off dowe..Yuh hangle di man dem too rough.. a grab up dem teelie ina public an dem tings deh
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ep25: </span> **kiss teet** A weh yuh a tell di girl seh? Back aff a wah?? Naah man.. Ooman fi tun an di agany nun-stap! Shi shoulda come to mi mek a school har pan di seductian rules an regulatian .. Like di one weh yuh tie up Mista Mutty an seduce im into giving yuh a jab yuh noh qualify fah an&#8230;
All eyes turned to Ep in shock hearing what she had just said.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ep25: </span> (covering mouth)Uuuuhhhmmm .. ooops! <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Figet weh mi jus seh
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> No no, no, no.. figet wah? Weh yuh jus seh?! Yuh do wha fi get wah?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ep25: </span> Who know wha JABBY mean?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> Likkle gal doan ramp wid mi&#8230;.tap change di subject an ansa mi!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ep25:</span> Well uuhmm.. yuh si wha happen was ..uuhhmm Mista Mutt tell mi seh im wife well ole pas 80 an im did well waan release.. so im pramise mi di jab if mi do it wid im ina canference room.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ensomgirl:</span> Lawd gad! Den a di same canference room dem announce seh ham sandwich did ina ?! Di same one weh di whole a unu go crape up di food like vulcha?!! Yuh si a dem nastyness deh mek mi noh nyam nutten weh lef ova yah .. All wen white squall a tek mi rawcha chawcha mi nuh wan none a dem food!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jazz: </span> Jeesam Crimos!! Awah dis mi a hear !! Mi an yuh Ensom - mi neva waan dem lefovas neida&#8230; Mi know smaddy weh neva badda buy lunch troo dem ah wait pon de freeniss...
<span style="font-weight: bold">Chayil:</span> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Jazz tap chat bout mi! Mi neva nyam di food ..mi pack it up ina mi van fi goh gi mi man!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jazz: </span> Mi trow mi carn .. mi noh cawl noh fowl
<span style="font-weight: bold">Lynn: </span> Mi dun tell unu arred seh Do NOT DIP YUH PEN IN DI COMPANY INK!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie: </span> Misis mine mi tek di company pen an jook yuh ina yuh big yeye dem..anybady ask yuh anyting?? Unu realize seh dis man a fhay mi fi di same ting im do? Well dis noh done! So help mi Gad mi a carry di whole lat a dem a court fi dis&#8230;
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jazzgirl:</span> Jackie me ago put in a special prayer fi you mi fren. Widout yuh dis affice gwine bi dead fi troot <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ((Jackie) Di tings dem seh bout yuh is pure lie! Well atleast mi hope soh cause di laas time mi swear fi yuh mi en up shame..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jamericangirl: </span> No mine yaah Jackie.. mi will stan by yuh til di very en. Memba mi a di President fi yuh fan club. Mi ago miss yuh bad but one questian - mi can get yuh lunch cyard since yuh noh have noh use fi it no more?..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jackie:</span> Yuh coulden wait til mi lef fi tink bout yuh gut eeh? Anyway mi gaan people.. Tanks fi di love an fi fun. Mi ago miss unu but a so it goh.. Res assured mi ago bi aright&#8230; Britisha mi fren, watch fi mi pan di <span style="font-weight: bold">Judge Jancrow </span> show cause mi an Mista Mutty baxide a court!! Unu tek care&#8230;
The employees stood somberly and watched Jackie leaving with her packed box and her cheap fabric handbag under her arm.
----------------
END OF THE WORK DAY
The mood was never the same for the rest of the day. It was approaching 5 o&#8217;clcok and the employees were hustling about getting ready to grab their belongings to leave. One by one they waved goodbye as they bolted through the door.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ensomgirl: </span> (stretching at her desk) Wooii sah what a day! .mi so glad di day dun to backfoot...mi a dead fi ketch a mi yad fi fix up some Powk ribs..dis yah diet a kill mi to baxide, nat a ting noh ina mi belly.. all mi ado is pee-pee an pass gas all day..
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jambrit: </span> (shutting off her PC to leave) Lawd Esnsom (DWL) yuh noh easy. Come wid mi a mi regula spot tinite noh... Wi can ketch some real food dung a <span style="font-style: italic"> Lang&#8211;Hood Tavern </span>!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ensom: </span> Fart! .. a which restaurant name soh? Dem have Powk Ribs dung deh?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jambrit: </span> Mi noh know bout Powk Ribs but dem serve a healthy supply a pengaleng.. a one strip Joint pan Utica street man..yuh a come?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ensom: </span> Ooooh Mi memba dah place deh.. a deyhso mi husban meet mi ..yuh know sliding dung di lang pole an all.. a joke yaah <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> .. yeah man ..dat soun very apitizing . Mi wi goh fatten mi yeye yes!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Hottie Hott: </span> Unu really a go a strip club?? .. A noh man ting dat ?Mi woulda come wid unu but mi man ago kill mi if im eva hear seh mi goh a strip club.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jahlive: </span> Hotttie Baby, go home to yuh man yaah . Mi neva coulda undatsan dem place deh to baxide. Dem place deh a shreggreis an armshouse cause yuh deh deh a pay yuh money an dem noh mek yuh feel up feel up di ooman dem Mi no inna di look but no touch policy! Mek dem gwey!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jambrit: </span> Jahlive tap yuh nize! A big man like yuh caan goh a strip club an cantrol yuself...If a eva mi yuh come feel up feel up ina club yuh si - a woulda pit right ina yuh crusty face!!
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jahlive: </span> Pit ina whofah face! Gal afta yuh noh renk! Mi nat saying mi caan cantrol miself. Mi jus a seh mi noh flex dem way deh .. until dem mek wi feel up di ooman dem mi naah go deh . Mi wi wait til mi go a Jamdung cause dem mek wi feel up di ooman dem dung deh.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jambrit: </span> **kiss teet** All wah wrang wid yuh is dat yuh nasty an waan put yuh han ina di ooman dem drawz. Anyway a Ensome mi did a chat to, mi noh know how yuh get ina mii argument**cut yeye** Ensom, yuh still a come &#8211; right?
<span style="font-weight: bold">Ensom:</span> Yeah but come wi go now so mi can ketch di happy hour special..hungry a kill mi man. Si yuh tomorraw Jahlive
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jahlive: </span> (still bitter) Unu galang whe unu a go .. a hope unu man buss unu Skull when unu ketch a unu yaad.
<span style="font-weight: bold">Jambrit: </span> **kiss teet** Ensom, come yaah. Jahlive a look smaddy fi kip up argument wid an mi noh have noh time yah now ..<span style="font-style: italic"> Lang-Hood Tavern</span> here we come!! Wooohooo!!!!!!
The ladies exited the office wiggling their butts in excitement and jeering Jahlive. Shortly after the office was left empty and dark .. waiting for the group to disturb it&#8217;s peace the next work day..
The END