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Welcome to this week’s Suss report. The characters in the story are witnessess and onlookers in a court of law. Hope you will read and enjoy.
Judge: Marcia Bailiff: Bandido1Stenographer: Kingman
Plaintiff: Jazz Johnson Defendants: [/b]Jahlive/Bimini[/b]
Ten a.m. was scheduled for the next big Case in Boardlane Supreme Court. A restaurant owner filed a civil lawsuit against the notorious [/b]JockStarp[/b] brothers. The courtroom was the most crowded it had ever been in a long time - filled with witnesses and inquisitive onlookers from the neighborhood. The Judge emerged from her chambers:
Bandido1: (standing in military fashion) UNU RAISE UP OUTTA UNU SEAT di hanarable Judge Marcia presiding!!!
Marcia: Thanks you Bailiff. You may be seated. Good morning everyone. I have here claim number AF609, the case of the malicious destruction of the Taj Mahal Nyam an Lef Cafe restaurant on the 22nd day of February 2001AD. The Plaintiff, Ms Jazz Johnson is suing the defendants Bimini TeenyWilly JockStrap and Jahlive LongJohn JockStrap, for the sum of $154,000.23c. Well with no further ado, will the Plaintiff and the defendants please step forward to be sworn in!
The plaintiff swished her hips from side to side as she walked up to the stand in proud fashion. One of the defendants tried to trip her with his feet, which caught the eye of the Judge:
Marcia: Bimini, let’s not start on the wrong foot OK? Please behave like a grown adult in my courtroom or feel the wrath of my hammer ina yuh head skull!
Bimini: Sarry Judge .. mi foot kina slip ina har way. Mi ago behave miself.
The audience began to laugh and giggle at Bimini.The three took their places on the stand infront of the Bailiff.
Bandido1: Raise unu right han please ..nat dat right Ms Jazz..di adda one.. Do yuh salamly swear to Bless smaddy tidey an to tell ongly di troot an no untroot before Gad, di Judge and everybady dat deh yah?
Jazz/Bimini/Jalive: Yes I swear!
Marcia: (looking over her reading glasses) Ok now Ms Johnson your claim states that you once owned the Taj Mahal Nyam an Lef Cafe Restaurant that was robbed of $30 in cash and you were chased out with bakkle booms by the defendants ..is that true?
Jazz:DATS RIGHT! Mek mi tell yuh Yur Hanna Mam. Dem teifing, good fe nutting bway dem boom out mi shap! but the worst travesty af all was dat dem had the TEMERITY fi start illegal restuarant bizniz an cook unholy substances inna mi pat dem,namely powk.an dem sinting deh!
Undercova girl: (whispering to her neighbor) Den a suh dat deh ooman weak mek dem two flimsy man deh come inna a kichin a run har out ..**kiss teet** Shi a ediat!
Ep25: Shhhh!!! Shut up noh bigh mout gal! Mi havi know di whole story fuss before mi caan put in mi two cents.. Tap yuh nize mek mi hear wah a gwaan ..
Marcia: Thank You Chef Johnson. Now, I will listen to opening arguments for Mister Bimini and Jahlive Jockstrap.
Chazproductions: (Whispering to Jahlive/Bimini) [i]Nuh worry unuself .dem nuh hab nuh blastid case. Any decent, sensible judge and court majestret know dat. If dem ah court afficah dem haffi let yuh guh weddah dem like it ar nat[i] **he hem!** Chazproductions reporting for duty as Jahlive and Bimini's lawyer Yuh hanna. First of all my clients were coerced into giving testimony at the police station without the option of having a lawyer present. They were not read their rights so this case is not valid in the court of law.
Marcia: **raised eyebrow* Is that so? Will the arresting officer approach the front for questioning please?
The officer walked up the front armed with a blueberry doughnut in hand.
Marcia: Get rid of the food Officer! Can you please clarify for this court why this lawyer thinks you did not read these defendants their rights?
PinkeyLou: Nat true Yur haana!! Word fi word mi read dem di rights. I said- [i] Unu have the right to remain quite. Anything yuh say can and will be used against yuh in the court of law. Unu have the right to an attorny aldowe unu caan afford one. If unu give up dat right.. den unu *** is grass and unu backside will be black an blue.![i] Dat is exactly weh mi seh to dem Judge! I do my jab very good cause too much corruptian is a way aff life ina wi society!
Marcia: Sounds good to me.. Ms Chazproductions it appears you have no defense there..
Chazproduction: Hell no! Di affica lie lika Bill Clinton! Here is my affidavit and documents (she hands them to the Judge) showing legal facts that proves no rights were read and this case should be thrown out for the physical, emotional, and mental abuse my clients have received. Now your honor I'm asking you to dismiss this case immediately!
Jahlive: Preach it Chaz preach baby. Di chruth will set wi free!!!
Marcia: Well Ms Chaz I am afraid it is not that easy. Your clients are being charged with a serious crime and this trial will go on whether you like it or not!
Chaproductions: Didn't you go to law school? How can yuh classify teking ova a dead beat restaurant a serious crime? I see what is going on here.. Yuh an Ms Johnson is good fren and you all are conspiring to ruin the good reputation my clients.
Marcia: Miss fake Lawyer you have 15 minutes withdraw your statement or I will ask you to remove yourself from the courtroom!!
Chazproductions: I will do no such thing!! You can not remove me! I'm their lawyer. I guess I will have to take my findings to federal court and you Ms Judge will certainly be disbarred. You dare to call me a fake lawyer, just watch what a fake lawyer can do!
Marcia: **BAM BAM!!** BAILIFF get this wretched woman out of here this minute!!!
Chazproductions: Wah? You have no grounds for asking the bailiff to escort me out! You caaan throw the defending lawyer out of the courtroom while the trail in going on. If you try to throw me out of the courtroom I will sue you for wrongful escortation and misuse of judicial power!!
Bandido: (grabbing her arm) Hush up yuh mout an come aan ooman! .I'm sick an tyad.af bein' sick an tyad af peeple like yuh hoo mek mi feel sick an tyad!
With that, he threw out of the courtroom…
TuffGong: (whispering to his neighbor) Kiss mi neck side!! It look seh since Johnie Cocharan busy wid Puff daddy Case, Bimni and Jahlive goh pick up disyah ediat Lawya Allister! Betta dem did get wan Jewish Lawyer cause disya one noh soun too brite al tall..But shi deh pan di good looking side still.. yuh waan wi lef out an try ketch har digits?
Allister: Rasta mi noh ina nuten wid lawya ..mi use to deal wid wan when mi res a NY an di gal did waan marid mi. Mi coulden tek di pressa fi buy all ring an dem tings an mi lef di gal! Nex ting mi know shi a stalk mi baxide... Gyal all a mi window tuh rhatid han park har cyar a wait fi mi fi cum a mi yard… mi an lawya ooman noh gree!
TufGong: Yow shi kina tite dowe man .. yow mi ago bounce an si if mi ketch up wid har
Allister: Yow man! Yuh teking dis dam Junk callectian too far now.. Sit yuh *** dung an pay attentian to di bleesnaught trial!
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Jahlive: (nervously shaking) Bimni yuh gat aneda plan cause si dem fling out wi ongly hope outta di courtroom! ..A weh wi ago do?
Bimini: Jus quite yuh nerves man! A wi a run dis.. jus come wi tell di troot an hope seh dah big farrid Judge gi wi pardon..airight?
Marcia: Now you two! You are on your own now so let me hear what you have to say in your defense!
Jahlive: **he hem** Tenk yuh baby…ah mean Yuh hanna. Mek a tell yuh what yuh doan know!! Fuss of all Jazz shap did nassy an wi was trying fi provide a service to di community by providing good food, good service an scrip show. If yu go dung a Jazz pizen shap..shi have di people up deh a beg fi recipe fram God know when…all when Easta Sunday come roun dem noh get dem sinting yet! An when shi do come wid di fenke fenke recipe dem shi tan rouna di counta a bawl affa yuh like any haag! Bimini an miself tek wi good heart an decide fi gi di people dem a bly an go cook fi dem. Bimini wid im humble an shy self gi di people dem scrip show since dem a beg im fah.
Bimini: Yes Judge mi have a kine heart an.mi love to give the people what dem waan.. a scrip show dem waan ..dena scrip show dem get.
Jazz: Fuss af all SCRIP cannot full belly an das all oonu is doing is showing Bimmi nekid batty fe prafit... turning de destant naybahood into one af ill repute...
Jahlive: GWEY FRAM YAH!! A entatainment wi a gi di people dem a juss red yeye yu red yeye.. An yu fi try di scrip show fuss before yu sey it no full belly!
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Bimini: Yur hanna mek mi tell yuh sintingelse..Is nat wi did boom up har shap yuh noh Mam
Marcia: **raised eyebrows* Is that so?
Bimni: No mam! Noh di dam foo-fool ooman tek scudmisle an boom up har own shap fi get wi out! Yuh eva hear dem deh madniss deh fram yuh barn? What a piecea hacalapsle!
Jazz: SACRISE! What a liad dutty high up pants bway?!
Marcia: (pounding) ORDER ORDER!! MS Johnson there will be no such further outburst. You have had your turn ..now allow them to continue.
Jahlive: A so shi haggish an tan Mam… a dat mi a try show yuh Judge. No manas what soever! Yes Ms Judge … as mi pardi can swear pan .. dis ooman noh open up shap til all 12 aclack a day time. If a shi fi come gi de people dem likkle brekfuss dem woulda dead!! Shi a talk bout CANTRAVESY!! Well Judge shi have one ole tinking pit tilet ina di bak weh shi call executive bawtchroom. ..if yuh eva si di sinting ..nat evan fly waan pitch in deh!
Jazz: GOH DEAD A BUSH cack batty bway!
Marcia (pounding) ORDER ORDER!! Ms Johnson I am not going to warn you again. One more and I will clear this courtroom! Now Bimini- continue
Bimini:Yes Mam as I was saying.. shi boom har own shap an tell police seh a wi do it. Outta di goodness a wi heart wi tek one whole day an fix up di shap fram scratch .. a ongle di door neva put aan good but di shap did look good when wi open it up fi busniss. When wi did have di gran opening nuff people come shake wi han an tell wi seh a lang time dem did waan a desent shap ina di community cause Jazz did a pizen dem aff. Yuh hanna ..yuh know seh all couple daag did ded afta dem nyam di lef oftas fram har shap?
Marcia: Interesting..** deep sigh** Well now I am going to ask the witnesses for Ms Johnson to be prepared to come to the witness stand one at a time and speak in her defense. Will the first witness please cha-cha slide to the front please?
Queen: Good aftanoon Yur hanar. I am here to testify dat di fus day mi goh a di shap when Bimini and Jahlive tek ova it mi was ina state of shack mi tell yuh..Mi sey to miself ..Lard Jesas -look what Jazz likkle restaurant business come to! Di Ole tegareg dem tek ova an every decent respectable customers stap come to dis place. Miss Judge ..if yuh eva si how much drumma roach, hen roach, black roach and flying roach did tek up residence ina di place it would mek daag stomach sick. Mi had was to call di Healt Inspecta fi come lack dung di shap quick!
Marcia: Is the Health Inspecter in the courtroom Ms?
Health inspekta: (stumbling from her seat) Present! Si mi yah Ms Yur Hanna!!
Marcia: Ok goood.. Give the court the details of what you found upon inspecting the establishment in question.
Health inspekta: Good day Yur Hanan, Mi get a call from Queen seh dem two ediat deh did a arba all sarta roach ina di establishment. ..
Kingman: (interrupting) ..uuhhmm excuse mi ..before yuh goh noh furda .is how unu spell 'S-tablishment'?
Marcia: Lowd Kingman as my assistant yuh can put mi to shame some time .. jus do the bes yuh an wid di spelling..I will carrec dem when did trial dun
Sorry for the interruption…Continue please
Health inspekta: Yes mam ..so when mi ketch deh, mi ask dem fi let mi in fi inspek di pace cause mi come fi shet it dung. Dem neva waan let mi ina di shap so mi suspician did well high. Di brut dem neva even know sey mi know bout karchi - so mi set up ina crane style an gi di door wan Bruce lee kick an fly it open. When mi ketch indeh, dem lick mi crass mi head wid wan Heineken bakkle! Den dem tie mi up an duck tape mi mout an den set di roach dem fi crawl all ina mi head an ina clothes!.. so mi know sey dere was roach in deh.. an dem claim seh di jumma roach dem a delicacy.Mi neva hear dat fram mi barn..
Jahlive Yur Hanna I OBJECTIFY on the grounds that the witness is very hostile!
Marcia: Overruled Jahlive. what kina nonsense is dat?!! You are not allowed to interrupt the proceedings again.. do you understand me?
Jahlive: Aiirght baby..uuhhmm mi mean yuh hanna!
Marcia: **raised eyebrows** Call mi baby again an yuh si if a doan charge yuh fi contempt... Ok, does anyone have anything to add to the inspector’s statement?
Den-den: Yuh hanna me mam! A TROO weh di inspeacta talking! Yur Hanna mi testifying dat mi buy wan loaf of bread fram Bimini an Jahlive naasy shap an when mi slice it up, mi notice sey a pure roach foot an roach head mi si in deh ..it look like dem bake bout half dozen a di roach dem ina di fresh bread!! Yur Hanna mi did waan vamit put mi bady was into cardiac shack a tell yuh. Mi neva goh back a dat place eva again fi buy noh bread!
Dean: Yur Hana that place is really nat sanitary! Wan lunch time mi walk in di restaurant an mi dis nice man ina di shap. Mi arda one Jerk chicken sandwich den im start to mek mi sandwhich. Mi notice dowe dat him neva even wash im dutty han dem... but mi neva sey nutten to im - mi jus tan up an watch weh im was gwine do.. while making my sandwhich he took a minute to take his right hand an scratch im batty den proceeded to mek mi sandwhich. Den im tek im filthy hands an pick up di pickles an onions an fling dem pan di sanwich. Pan tap a dat im serve mi wan fountain drinks wid wan big dutty fly ina it.
Marcia: **Raised eyebrows**
Dean: Mi laas mi apetite walk out of di shap fi go somewhe else go buy lunch. Dat man dere so (pointing at Bimini) followed me into di adda store asking mi fi pay fi di sandwhich an im put im dutty han pan mi. When mi tell im no cause im neva wash his hands before im mek it.. ( *sniff, sniff*) im cuss mi out an tell mi sey mi mussen tek mi dutty dandruff head back ina im shap Your Hana dem is a nasty set a people!
Marcia: Poor ting…did anyone witness this verbal assault inflicted on you mam?
Ensom: Yur hanna I did witness Mista Bimni hangling dis poor ooman rough dat day. A mi did tell har fi call di police fi mek a report. Is pure nastiness an slackniss dem kip up ina di shap fi troot.. One day mi goh indeh fi arda baxmilk wid mi lunch an dem claim seh dem noh have cow’s milk but dem gat some breast milk pan ice. Di two a dem sick mi tomoch!
Marcia: **skin up face** Breast milk?! Kingman,.are you getting all of this testimony down?
Kingman: Yes mam! All a it! it sweet mi to razz! lol. Mi all get di spelling right – B- R – E – S – S M – E – E- L-K !!
Marcia: Thank you Ms Ensom ..sorry you had to go through that. You may have a seat...Lawd I think I have heard it all ..
Teaoom: No Ms Judge.. yuh nohhear nutten yet. Till yesterday, mi would 'ave supported Bimini and Jahlive but both of dem try fi 'feelup' 'feelup' mi breasteses unda di pretense hof a government required hexamination! Bimini even hoffered fi hole mi dung an mek Jahlive do de 'dirty work'!! Dem is Two rotten apples!!
Jazz: Preach it sista T - preach it!!.... Laaaaddd - mi seh it doan look good fe oonu a tall *shaking head*
Jahlive: Hush yu mout noh crsuty foot ooman! ..cho! TeaOom dawling ow yu can com up ya a tell I Judge dem tings deh. A Govt. study wi did a prafarm. It was all done in di interest of science!
Marcia: Jahlive and Bimini I am so dissapointed in you two.. you have violated yet another moral code of conduct by catching a cheap feel from this customer. This is cause for concern. I think this is a good breaking point. Court is now in recess.. we will convene after the lunch hour. (BAM!)
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When the court dismissed for lunch a group of ladies converged at the entrance of the courtroom chit chatting just before deciding on where to catch a meal.
ReggaeEbony: All dis dam talk ina di courtroom bout food mek mi a dead fi hungry!.. What wi having fi lunch? *growling stomoch**
Ep25: Mi havi goh tan yah dead fi hungry..mi goose dun cook. Mi put up sum money ina mi house an di way mi put up di money mi cyaan fine ie to rhatid..mi noh have noh lunch money .. **Belly a rowl & growl* *
Sistadawn: Giiiiiiiirl, mi do dat all di time..Do like mi do an barraw di money…Ask Sistagirl ..shi noh tap show aaff how shi get big raise **cut yeye**
Jackie: NO!! Sistergirl no len out yuh money yaah… Si mi len MelodiousOne one mi $500 and di b**ch tap chat to mi cause shi noh waan pay mi back… Now mi ina a pure War, Beef an Cussin ova it.... When disyah trial dun mi ago staright up to Judge Marcia an mek har summons har fi come a court fi mi money.. kip yuh sinting yaah gal
Sistergirl: Jackie mi know seh yuh an mi a bes fren an mi know yuh wi look out fi mi.…Ep what is that all about not having yuh owna lunch money? Yuh noh know noh man yuh can barra di money fram?
EP25: **kiss teet** Mi realize seh noh care how mi preach til mi black & blue seh unu mussen tek seriously unu still caan andastan ..Unu move an gwey mi have mi money ina mi packet! A likkle joke mi did a run
Sistagirl:
SisaDawn: OK buttheads do we need a terapy sessian right here.. Or can wi jus go fine sinting fi eat now..cho! BTW, Jambrit gi wi a ride noh!.
Jambrit: A mi back yuh waan mi carry yuh pan? Noh yuh mi tell yessiday seh dem teif mi cyar .Yuh noh hear mi seh mi dam crasis nephew lef di key ina di car mek dem teif it!..Lawd gi mi strent!!
Jackie: Seh wah? Ah wha kina foolishniss dat im do?! Mi knoa dis woan bring yuh cyar back, but gi de rhatid bwoy one bloodcup lick inna im head an lick im out flat!!! ..Den a how yuh reach a court dis marning if yuh noh gat noh moto cyar?
Jambrit: A Sunshinegirlgi mi a ride ..shi nice yuhsi..always so helpful. Mi coulden miss disyah trial yah. Mi come yah fi si weh di Judge a go do wid mi dawlin Jahlive. **batting yeye**
ReaggaeEbony: Airight unu come ..mi wi drive..if mi falla unu mi drap dung out yah fram starvatian. An Ep try yuh bes mek sure yuh noh poop ina mi car..awoh!
Ep: ’Teva
AFTER RECESS
==============
After the lunch, the court audience re-seated ready to take in part two of the gripping and entertaining trial. The Judge made her appearance:
Bandido: ALL OF UNU PLEASE TO GIT UP!!
Marcia: Thank you Bandido but the proper thing to say is “All Rise”.. Ok? ..You all may be seated. Now we come to the interesting part of the trial. As you know there are two sides to every story. Now we will hear the witnesses for the defendants. Will the Defendants call their first witness please?
Jahlive: Yes Yur Hanna wi will like to call to di stan mi lang time betren fram up state New yark.. Big up to mi article don Cappy! Brap!
Capitall: (leaning against the stand) Judge .. mi really a wonda if mi shudda gi testimony fi dem wen dem mash up mi 'side wuk' yuhnoh! But anyways ...mi ago voutch fi Jahlive cause im really noh hav nat a drap a sense.. Yur hanna, Jahlive did drap pan im hed a wan dance an fram den im tun fool fool so go easy pan im.. A dah big teet bway Bimmi im a fallah bakka .. Di bway is a living an a barn tief an mi noh like im!! Im pick Ms Jazz shap lack an bruck ina it .. mi dida go cawl Police pan im… but a troo mi nuh like babylon, mi shat im ina im bloodcup knee miself..
Bimini: Gwey chrigga happy, ben face bway!! A di lickle pellet gun yuh a showaff soh ova?! Yuhr Hanna a lickle flesh wound di bway gi mi yaah.. an mi neva bruck ina di shap.. Mi pardi shoob mi indeh troo di winda!
Jahlive: Den Cap a wha kina ediat testimony dat yu a gi fi mi sah?! Look how much free Guiness mi gi yuh.. It betta yuh neva even di badda seh nutten to rackstone!
Capitall: **kiss teet** Mi si seh NUTTEN nuh change bout yuh ..yuh still dam angrateful an foo-fool . mi guess mi shudden expek nuh betta fram yuh.. Judge, mi tek bak awl weh mi seh .. heng dem baxide!!
Jazz; A GOOD! Waaii if a laugh a pap! Yur hana dat bway wuz always foo-fool - de drap nuh have one eeartly ting fe do wid it!
Marcia: (BAM! BAM!)OK Mister Capitall thank you. Step down now and let the other witness testify.. next witness please…
Bimini: Wait deh Mis Judge ..before wi go noh furda ..Mi have smady yah dat can testify dat mi noh have noh sense eida.. a noh Jahlive wan foo-fool! Mek im come up come testify now – do!
Marcia: OK ..call the witness Bimini..
Bimini: Hereee Hereee I know call to di stan Dacta Mutinsky MD, OPP, OD ..Brap Brap!!
Islandmutt: *dumb look on face, dribble rolling out of left mouth corner and cricket sounds going off in empty head* Your Hanna as a expert gyratologist, gynecologists, physicists, bush doctor, pap smearist and private tatoosist, I salemly swear dat Bimini is nat of soun mine nor bady to stand trial.. Fram im a likkle pickney im trupid! Di defendant use tuh try blow up im madda douche ina di bathroom cause im did tink it was a wata ballon wid wan hose. So as yuh can si ..Bimini needs to be unda psychiatric care yur Hanna. Mi request dat im is let goh fram dis trial.
Macia: I have never heard so much crap in my life! Dat information is USELESS to this court It look like unu si CrzyBlonde mark pan mi farrid noh? Move fram infront a mi wid yuh Pseudo intellectual, air head self!
Islandmutt: Ok I'm leaving but I'm taking my balls with me! Hasta la vistaAddios.Buenos Tacos!
Other witnesses came forward…
Brownsugga: Good Gay Yur Hanna .. All I have to say is dat Bimini an Jahlive is a betta chef dan dat ooman Jazz. If yuh lef it up to har shi pizen af di whole a wi!.When dese men was running di shap, it was running good! Mi arda hackee, some bwail banana,dumplin, carrot juice, stew chicken and rice and peas an dem get it ready before 12 a'clack! Dem is good peeps!
Tamone: I ave cum to speak on behalf of JahLive and Bimini. Dem is very upstanding citizens and are well loved throughout the community. Is ant dem should bi an trail .. Dem have tree twin bredas dat cause all a de prablem ina Miss Jazz shap, mam. Is dem yuh fe hunt dung an bring dem to justice!
Jahlive: (wispering as she paased by him) Tanks Tamone. Bimini wi com dung a yu place lata an gi yu whe mi pramise yu. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img] **he hem!* What a nice lady doe! Mi neva si har before yur hana an shi juss com gi dat lovely testimony fi mi an mi paady. Dat mus wut sitten!
Marcia: *raised eyebrows* Mista Jahlive Jockstrap are you trying to intimidate me sir?
Kingman: Marcia, excuse mi mam ..uuhhmm
Marcia: What now Kingman! Yuh caan spell “intimidate”?
Kingman: Nat really.. but a noh dat mi waan ask yuh Mam.. Yuh related to di the Rock from WWF mek yuh yeyebrow dem permanently risen?..di mount a time you rise dat deh yeyebrow mi had to ask..
The courtroom busted out into laughter except one person who could not resist taking the opportunity to bad mouth the Stenographer:
Ep25: (talking to neighbor) How cum mi naah laugh..dem start wid di stale foo-fool joke dem early eeh man .. a whe dem get disyah Kindagarten reject fram?.. dam ugly bwaay caan even spell to rahtid **lang kiss teet**
PFLuffy: Lef im! Yuh noh si sey.di bwoy cute so til... is a good ting mi travel wid mi extra undawear mi a tell yuh.. woooi im a tek LIFE!
EP25: **lang eva kiss teet*a couldn't dis a goat head yuh a chat bout seh cute ..when im larn how fi spell den yuh cyaan cum chat bout cute looks
The laughter was still roaring in the courtroom.
Marcia: (BAM BAM!!) Order! Ok you all had have your laughs at my expense .. let’s proceed please!
Ivory: Yur Hanna I'm pleading on behalf of them both.. Like Brownsugga seh, the food was great an di service was fast, food hot and prices very reasonable...When Jazz was running di place yuh had to wait fi days fi food .. and it is a sad life when I have to go beg from my neighbors for food fi feed mi pickney dem... Mi a beg yuh fi Spare Bimni Judge ..im still owe mi wan table tap dance an mi waan im fi deh bout fi shake im boodie fimi..Tanks
Next a tall lady dressed in her shocking red dress began to approach the stand. She was a surprise witness that the defendants expected:
Jahlive: Ratid pipe! A weh Bingo Baggy Nicky a do yah?
Bimini: A shi a di gal wi use to goh school wid weh did a run fram di Bull cow an har baagy drap affa har?..wooii ** DWL!**
Jahlive: LOL A shi same wan.. Seka dah gal deh mi a wear false teet cause shi bax out every striking one outta mi mout back ina di day!! A wanda a weh si haffi seh bout wi sah?
Meanwhile two women were in their seats gossiping about the witness:
Teaoom: Sppttt...Dean is what dis gal look like ina dat Red Vampire outfit an har got 10 inch pike heel boot?! All shi need is some chain an wan leada belt an shi woulda look like wan total freak!!
Dean: LOL. Yuh noh easy Tea!.. shi remine mi a Sandra Clarke from 227 dowe..same weh shi walk an push out har chess like shi a some high class ediat!
NickyThetricky: Yur Hanna mi agree wid Ivory. Nuff pple roun ya waan good cook food fi nyam. An Chef Jazz juss manapalize di food bizniz wid har likkle restaurant. She ovacharge wi fi di likkle salty food weh wi buy fram har kitchen an she cuss we out if wi mek a likkle suggeschan bout har food .. But aside fram dat Jahlive an Bimini noh know how fi run bizniz eida….
Bimini: (whispering) Lawd Gad Jahlive ..Bingo Baggy Nicky ago bury wi now
Nickythe tricky: (continuing) Dem a mi fren yur Hana but dem claim seh dem set up password fi di custmas dem. So mi go roun di back a di shap like di sign seh an whispa di passwurd "Di Chicken Back has Crack" an nutten nuh happen. Soh mi seh it likkle louda -"DI CHICKEN BACK HAS CRACK", an still noh get noh ansa. Mi dideh a tan up an wait a di back door all till mi foot dem cramp up .. Mi tan up deh whole day a dead fi hunga a nat one dem come serve mi all now!
Marcia: **raised eyebrows** ..hmmnnn Is only when people into bandoolo bisniss dem set up codes and paasword …well, well, well. This is was very interesting. Thank you mam ..you may step down. **sigh**Well Ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the end of the hearings. I will be back in a few..
THE VERDICT
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After a 15 minute break the Judge emerged from her chambers to hand down her vedict.
Marcia: Well I have come to a decision on how to hand down my verdict. Before I do so, do you two gentelemen have any last minute things to say in your defense.
Bimini: Yes mam..I jus waan to seh dat di only crime mi a mi pardi commit is drinking too much Appleton whites ina di shap an drunk aff. ..Mi trow myself at di mercy af di court!!. ...an cum tuh tink af it, mi noh waan live wid Big Errol weh deh a di county jail… Gad wi bless yuh if yuh let wi aff Yur Hanna.. mi is a very sarry smaddy
Jahlive: Awright awright mi wi haplagize to. Mi Sarry fi open up decent an rspectable shap next to Jazz delapidated shap.Mi also sarry Judge Marcia fi gi yu so much chrubble tidey…ow dat?
Jazz: **kiss teet** dat noh mek it!! Afta unu bun up mi pat an table ***** dem, mash up mi dishwasher and put mi ina distress yuh betta come betta dan dat. *dam brite* Mi still waiting for ah sign af remarse fram yuh....
Jahlive: Watcha ooman!!. Henybady a chat to yu? Whe yuh noh tek yuh dyam haunted self an kip yuself quiet!
Jazz: Yuh si how yuh feva dem blastid ugly paatoo! Plastic surgery woulda do yuh some good fi pick up yuh battam lip fram affa yuh chin!
Jahlive: Look who a chat bout plastic surgery.. di likkle wuk yu get pan yu nose mek it kin up ina air mek yuh can barley si di big evalasting bump whe pan it!
Jazz: CLEAR OUT BWAY!!!... atleast fi mi nose can fix ..di dam ugliness plasta pan yuh big face fi life!!
Jahlive: If mi was yu mi wouldn use dat deh wud UGLY too too much yuh noh. Yu hed fava dem jancrow batty. Mi woulden waa fi buk yu up a street com nite time .. yu dyam rolling cyalf yu!
Marcia: (BAM!! BAM!!) ALL RIGHT THAT’S ENOUGH!!Gosh you are the worst set that ever faced me in this courtroom. I have no tolerance for this kinda behaviour – yuh undastan mi!!
Pat3sha: Tell dem Judge!! Is dem same breed nonsense chase out good people out of the community.. Set a termites, ticks and mongrels dem!!
Marcia: **frowned face** Bailiff show that woman the door please.. let her join the termites and mongrels outside since shi know so much bout dem!
Pat3sha: HUH? What did I do?…Yuh mean mi caaan stay here an get more gaasip Judge?! Do noh fling mi out ..Mi live fi di likkle gassip.. a likkle attentian mi di waan dats why mi seh dat.
Bandido: **pushing her out**...come lady yuh noh belang inyah…glang outta door an if yuh come back yah wid di bag a nize again a beat yuh wid dah batton yah til yuh sick!... a tell unu seh mi sick an tired aff unu weh mek mi sick an tyad!!
Marcia: Thank you Bandido.Well let me just say that this has been very interesting and I am very dissapointed in both of you and the kind of hooliganistic behaviour you display in our community. Bimini and Jahlive Bwoy you are both hereby being placed on 30 days probation and 2 months in the county Jail. During probation you have to report to the kitchen of Chef Johnson everyday before 3 pm to help her with the menu and to sweep the place and keep it in a manner befitting to an eating environment. Failure to report without an explanation shall be reported to this court and you will once again face the disciplinary committee. You'd better start learn to love the colour neon orange. Finally the court will award Chef Johnson the sum of $154,000.23c for emotional distress and mental abuse.
Jahlive: Oh Marcia baby ease mi up likkle no baby ow yu fi do mi dem tings deh. Mi lawya Chaz pu dung som good good argument fi wi .. dat no count fi nuttin?
Bimini: Jahlive if yu hav wan plan mi is begging yu fi use it right ya now. Mi caan go chrue jail time sah. Mi no waa Big Eroll com hole mi dung a baxside!!
A lady in distress alarmed everyone has she hollered and bawled after the verdict was read.
Wendy: **rolling on di grung bawling ** Laawd ooyee unu gi mi mi Binini .. mi caan do widout im pengaleng .. Lawd mi dead.. mi seh mi a dead!! FAADA GAD TEK MI HOME TO MT ZION.. DO MI DEH PAN MI KNEE A BEG FI IM .... waaaahhhhh yoyeee dis is a cantravasy!!
Capitall: But kiss mi backfoot ..wat a ooman cyan bawl fi pengileng man! .. All a court house shi deh a gwan soh.. Some ooman noh have noh shame mi a tell yuh..
Jazz: Tank yuh Judge Marcia..Amen!! Justice is served! Mi can finally re-buil mi shap an live in peace! Bye bye Jahlive an Bimni ..mi ago miss unu yuhsi – NOT!! .. wooeeeee!!
As the two were being hauled off to jail in handcuffs, some onlookers had a few comments:
Pepper: Yow Bimini an Jahlive ..unu give a shout out to all the brothers on lock down ina cell block 54 fi mi!! ..hehehehee It sweet mi fi dem yuh si
Ensom: Put Peppa man ..Lawd mi feel kina bad now fi si Bimini goh a jail .. a who mi ago get fi scip a mi bashment now..dam!
Judge: Marcia Bailiff: Bandido1Stenographer: Kingman
Plaintiff: Jazz Johnson Defendants: [/b]Jahlive/Bimini[/b]
Ten a.m. was scheduled for the next big Case in Boardlane Supreme Court. A restaurant owner filed a civil lawsuit against the notorious [/b]JockStarp[/b] brothers. The courtroom was the most crowded it had ever been in a long time - filled with witnesses and inquisitive onlookers from the neighborhood. The Judge emerged from her chambers:
Bandido1: (standing in military fashion) UNU RAISE UP OUTTA UNU SEAT di hanarable Judge Marcia presiding!!!
Marcia: Thanks you Bailiff. You may be seated. Good morning everyone. I have here claim number AF609, the case of the malicious destruction of the Taj Mahal Nyam an Lef Cafe restaurant on the 22nd day of February 2001AD. The Plaintiff, Ms Jazz Johnson is suing the defendants Bimini TeenyWilly JockStrap and Jahlive LongJohn JockStrap, for the sum of $154,000.23c. Well with no further ado, will the Plaintiff and the defendants please step forward to be sworn in!
The plaintiff swished her hips from side to side as she walked up to the stand in proud fashion. One of the defendants tried to trip her with his feet, which caught the eye of the Judge:
Marcia: Bimini, let’s not start on the wrong foot OK? Please behave like a grown adult in my courtroom or feel the wrath of my hammer ina yuh head skull!
Bimini: Sarry Judge .. mi foot kina slip ina har way. Mi ago behave miself.
The audience began to laugh and giggle at Bimini.The three took their places on the stand infront of the Bailiff.
Bandido1: Raise unu right han please ..nat dat right Ms Jazz..di adda one.. Do yuh salamly swear to Bless smaddy tidey an to tell ongly di troot an no untroot before Gad, di Judge and everybady dat deh yah?
Jazz/Bimini/Jalive: Yes I swear!
Marcia: (looking over her reading glasses) Ok now Ms Johnson your claim states that you once owned the Taj Mahal Nyam an Lef Cafe Restaurant that was robbed of $30 in cash and you were chased out with bakkle booms by the defendants ..is that true?
Jazz:DATS RIGHT! Mek mi tell yuh Yur Hanna Mam. Dem teifing, good fe nutting bway dem boom out mi shap! but the worst travesty af all was dat dem had the TEMERITY fi start illegal restuarant bizniz an cook unholy substances inna mi pat dem,namely powk.an dem sinting deh!
Undercova girl: (whispering to her neighbor) Den a suh dat deh ooman weak mek dem two flimsy man deh come inna a kichin a run har out ..**kiss teet** Shi a ediat!
Ep25: Shhhh!!! Shut up noh bigh mout gal! Mi havi know di whole story fuss before mi caan put in mi two cents.. Tap yuh nize mek mi hear wah a gwaan ..
Marcia: Thank You Chef Johnson. Now, I will listen to opening arguments for Mister Bimini and Jahlive Jockstrap.
Chazproductions: (Whispering to Jahlive/Bimini) [i]Nuh worry unuself .dem nuh hab nuh blastid case. Any decent, sensible judge and court majestret know dat. If dem ah court afficah dem haffi let yuh guh weddah dem like it ar nat[i] **he hem!** Chazproductions reporting for duty as Jahlive and Bimini's lawyer Yuh hanna. First of all my clients were coerced into giving testimony at the police station without the option of having a lawyer present. They were not read their rights so this case is not valid in the court of law.
Marcia: **raised eyebrow* Is that so? Will the arresting officer approach the front for questioning please?
The officer walked up the front armed with a blueberry doughnut in hand.
Marcia: Get rid of the food Officer! Can you please clarify for this court why this lawyer thinks you did not read these defendants their rights?
PinkeyLou: Nat true Yur haana!! Word fi word mi read dem di rights. I said- [i] Unu have the right to remain quite. Anything yuh say can and will be used against yuh in the court of law. Unu have the right to an attorny aldowe unu caan afford one. If unu give up dat right.. den unu *** is grass and unu backside will be black an blue.![i] Dat is exactly weh mi seh to dem Judge! I do my jab very good cause too much corruptian is a way aff life ina wi society!
Marcia: Sounds good to me.. Ms Chazproductions it appears you have no defense there..
Chazproduction: Hell no! Di affica lie lika Bill Clinton! Here is my affidavit and documents (she hands them to the Judge) showing legal facts that proves no rights were read and this case should be thrown out for the physical, emotional, and mental abuse my clients have received. Now your honor I'm asking you to dismiss this case immediately!
Jahlive: Preach it Chaz preach baby. Di chruth will set wi free!!!
Marcia: Well Ms Chaz I am afraid it is not that easy. Your clients are being charged with a serious crime and this trial will go on whether you like it or not!
Chaproductions: Didn't you go to law school? How can yuh classify teking ova a dead beat restaurant a serious crime? I see what is going on here.. Yuh an Ms Johnson is good fren and you all are conspiring to ruin the good reputation my clients.
Marcia: Miss fake Lawyer you have 15 minutes withdraw your statement or I will ask you to remove yourself from the courtroom!!
Chazproductions: I will do no such thing!! You can not remove me! I'm their lawyer. I guess I will have to take my findings to federal court and you Ms Judge will certainly be disbarred. You dare to call me a fake lawyer, just watch what a fake lawyer can do!
Marcia: **BAM BAM!!** BAILIFF get this wretched woman out of here this minute!!!
Chazproductions: Wah? You have no grounds for asking the bailiff to escort me out! You caaan throw the defending lawyer out of the courtroom while the trail in going on. If you try to throw me out of the courtroom I will sue you for wrongful escortation and misuse of judicial power!!
Bandido: (grabbing her arm) Hush up yuh mout an come aan ooman! .I'm sick an tyad.af bein' sick an tyad af peeple like yuh hoo mek mi feel sick an tyad!
With that, he threw out of the courtroom…
TuffGong: (whispering to his neighbor) Kiss mi neck side!! It look seh since Johnie Cocharan busy wid Puff daddy Case, Bimni and Jahlive goh pick up disyah ediat Lawya Allister! Betta dem did get wan Jewish Lawyer cause disya one noh soun too brite al tall..But shi deh pan di good looking side still.. yuh waan wi lef out an try ketch har digits?
Allister: Rasta mi noh ina nuten wid lawya ..mi use to deal wid wan when mi res a NY an di gal did waan marid mi. Mi coulden tek di pressa fi buy all ring an dem tings an mi lef di gal! Nex ting mi know shi a stalk mi baxide... Gyal all a mi window tuh rhatid han park har cyar a wait fi mi fi cum a mi yard… mi an lawya ooman noh gree!
TufGong: Yow shi kina tite dowe man .. yow mi ago bounce an si if mi ketch up wid har
Allister: Yow man! Yuh teking dis dam Junk callectian too far now.. Sit yuh *** dung an pay attentian to di bleesnaught trial!
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Jahlive: (nervously shaking) Bimni yuh gat aneda plan cause si dem fling out wi ongly hope outta di courtroom! ..A weh wi ago do?
Bimini: Jus quite yuh nerves man! A wi a run dis.. jus come wi tell di troot an hope seh dah big farrid Judge gi wi pardon..airight?
Marcia: Now you two! You are on your own now so let me hear what you have to say in your defense!
Jahlive: **he hem** Tenk yuh baby…ah mean Yuh hanna. Mek a tell yuh what yuh doan know!! Fuss of all Jazz shap did nassy an wi was trying fi provide a service to di community by providing good food, good service an scrip show. If yu go dung a Jazz pizen shap..shi have di people up deh a beg fi recipe fram God know when…all when Easta Sunday come roun dem noh get dem sinting yet! An when shi do come wid di fenke fenke recipe dem shi tan rouna di counta a bawl affa yuh like any haag! Bimini an miself tek wi good heart an decide fi gi di people dem a bly an go cook fi dem. Bimini wid im humble an shy self gi di people dem scrip show since dem a beg im fah.
Bimini: Yes Judge mi have a kine heart an.mi love to give the people what dem waan.. a scrip show dem waan ..dena scrip show dem get.
Jazz: Fuss af all SCRIP cannot full belly an das all oonu is doing is showing Bimmi nekid batty fe prafit... turning de destant naybahood into one af ill repute...
Jahlive: GWEY FRAM YAH!! A entatainment wi a gi di people dem a juss red yeye yu red yeye.. An yu fi try di scrip show fuss before yu sey it no full belly!
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Bimini: Yur hanna mek mi tell yuh sintingelse..Is nat wi did boom up har shap yuh noh Mam
Marcia: **raised eyebrows* Is that so?
Bimni: No mam! Noh di dam foo-fool ooman tek scudmisle an boom up har own shap fi get wi out! Yuh eva hear dem deh madniss deh fram yuh barn? What a piecea hacalapsle!
Jazz: SACRISE! What a liad dutty high up pants bway?!
Marcia: (pounding) ORDER ORDER!! MS Johnson there will be no such further outburst. You have had your turn ..now allow them to continue.
Jahlive: A so shi haggish an tan Mam… a dat mi a try show yuh Judge. No manas what soever! Yes Ms Judge … as mi pardi can swear pan .. dis ooman noh open up shap til all 12 aclack a day time. If a shi fi come gi de people dem likkle brekfuss dem woulda dead!! Shi a talk bout CANTRAVESY!! Well Judge shi have one ole tinking pit tilet ina di bak weh shi call executive bawtchroom. ..if yuh eva si di sinting ..nat evan fly waan pitch in deh!
Jazz: GOH DEAD A BUSH cack batty bway!
Marcia (pounding) ORDER ORDER!! Ms Johnson I am not going to warn you again. One more and I will clear this courtroom! Now Bimini- continue
Bimini:Yes Mam as I was saying.. shi boom har own shap an tell police seh a wi do it. Outta di goodness a wi heart wi tek one whole day an fix up di shap fram scratch .. a ongle di door neva put aan good but di shap did look good when wi open it up fi busniss. When wi did have di gran opening nuff people come shake wi han an tell wi seh a lang time dem did waan a desent shap ina di community cause Jazz did a pizen dem aff. Yuh hanna ..yuh know seh all couple daag did ded afta dem nyam di lef oftas fram har shap?
Marcia: Interesting..** deep sigh** Well now I am going to ask the witnesses for Ms Johnson to be prepared to come to the witness stand one at a time and speak in her defense. Will the first witness please cha-cha slide to the front please?
Queen: Good aftanoon Yur hanar. I am here to testify dat di fus day mi goh a di shap when Bimini and Jahlive tek ova it mi was ina state of shack mi tell yuh..Mi sey to miself ..Lard Jesas -look what Jazz likkle restaurant business come to! Di Ole tegareg dem tek ova an every decent respectable customers stap come to dis place. Miss Judge ..if yuh eva si how much drumma roach, hen roach, black roach and flying roach did tek up residence ina di place it would mek daag stomach sick. Mi had was to call di Healt Inspecta fi come lack dung di shap quick!
Marcia: Is the Health Inspecter in the courtroom Ms?
Health inspekta: (stumbling from her seat) Present! Si mi yah Ms Yur Hanna!!
Marcia: Ok goood.. Give the court the details of what you found upon inspecting the establishment in question.
Health inspekta: Good day Yur Hanan, Mi get a call from Queen seh dem two ediat deh did a arba all sarta roach ina di establishment. ..
Kingman: (interrupting) ..uuhhmm excuse mi ..before yuh goh noh furda .is how unu spell 'S-tablishment'?
Marcia: Lowd Kingman as my assistant yuh can put mi to shame some time .. jus do the bes yuh an wid di spelling..I will carrec dem when did trial dun
Sorry for the interruption…Continue pleaseHealth inspekta: Yes mam ..so when mi ketch deh, mi ask dem fi let mi in fi inspek di pace cause mi come fi shet it dung. Dem neva waan let mi ina di shap so mi suspician did well high. Di brut dem neva even know sey mi know bout karchi - so mi set up ina crane style an gi di door wan Bruce lee kick an fly it open. When mi ketch indeh, dem lick mi crass mi head wid wan Heineken bakkle! Den dem tie mi up an duck tape mi mout an den set di roach dem fi crawl all ina mi head an ina clothes!.. so mi know sey dere was roach in deh.. an dem claim seh di jumma roach dem a delicacy.Mi neva hear dat fram mi barn..
Jahlive Yur Hanna I OBJECTIFY on the grounds that the witness is very hostile!
Marcia: Overruled Jahlive. what kina nonsense is dat?!! You are not allowed to interrupt the proceedings again.. do you understand me?
Jahlive: Aiirght baby..uuhhmm mi mean yuh hanna!
Marcia: **raised eyebrows** Call mi baby again an yuh si if a doan charge yuh fi contempt... Ok, does anyone have anything to add to the inspector’s statement?
Den-den: Yuh hanna me mam! A TROO weh di inspeacta talking! Yur Hanna mi testifying dat mi buy wan loaf of bread fram Bimini an Jahlive naasy shap an when mi slice it up, mi notice sey a pure roach foot an roach head mi si in deh ..it look like dem bake bout half dozen a di roach dem ina di fresh bread!! Yur Hanna mi did waan vamit put mi bady was into cardiac shack a tell yuh. Mi neva goh back a dat place eva again fi buy noh bread!
Dean: Yur Hana that place is really nat sanitary! Wan lunch time mi walk in di restaurant an mi dis nice man ina di shap. Mi arda one Jerk chicken sandwich den im start to mek mi sandwhich. Mi notice dowe dat him neva even wash im dutty han dem... but mi neva sey nutten to im - mi jus tan up an watch weh im was gwine do.. while making my sandwhich he took a minute to take his right hand an scratch im batty den proceeded to mek mi sandwhich. Den im tek im filthy hands an pick up di pickles an onions an fling dem pan di sanwich. Pan tap a dat im serve mi wan fountain drinks wid wan big dutty fly ina it.
Marcia: **Raised eyebrows**
Dean: Mi laas mi apetite walk out of di shap fi go somewhe else go buy lunch. Dat man dere so (pointing at Bimini) followed me into di adda store asking mi fi pay fi di sandwhich an im put im dutty han pan mi. When mi tell im no cause im neva wash his hands before im mek it.. ( *sniff, sniff*) im cuss mi out an tell mi sey mi mussen tek mi dutty dandruff head back ina im shap Your Hana dem is a nasty set a people!
Marcia: Poor ting…did anyone witness this verbal assault inflicted on you mam?
Ensom: Yur hanna I did witness Mista Bimni hangling dis poor ooman rough dat day. A mi did tell har fi call di police fi mek a report. Is pure nastiness an slackniss dem kip up ina di shap fi troot.. One day mi goh indeh fi arda baxmilk wid mi lunch an dem claim seh dem noh have cow’s milk but dem gat some breast milk pan ice. Di two a dem sick mi tomoch!
Marcia: **skin up face** Breast milk?! Kingman,.are you getting all of this testimony down?
Kingman: Yes mam! All a it! it sweet mi to razz! lol. Mi all get di spelling right – B- R – E – S – S M – E – E- L-K !!
Marcia: Thank you Ms Ensom ..sorry you had to go through that. You may have a seat...Lawd I think I have heard it all ..
Teaoom: No Ms Judge.. yuh nohhear nutten yet. Till yesterday, mi would 'ave supported Bimini and Jahlive but both of dem try fi 'feelup' 'feelup' mi breasteses unda di pretense hof a government required hexamination! Bimini even hoffered fi hole mi dung an mek Jahlive do de 'dirty work'!! Dem is Two rotten apples!!
Jazz: Preach it sista T - preach it!!.... Laaaaddd - mi seh it doan look good fe oonu a tall *shaking head*
Jahlive: Hush yu mout noh crsuty foot ooman! ..cho! TeaOom dawling ow yu can com up ya a tell I Judge dem tings deh. A Govt. study wi did a prafarm. It was all done in di interest of science!
Marcia: Jahlive and Bimini I am so dissapointed in you two.. you have violated yet another moral code of conduct by catching a cheap feel from this customer. This is cause for concern. I think this is a good breaking point. Court is now in recess.. we will convene after the lunch hour. (BAM!)
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When the court dismissed for lunch a group of ladies converged at the entrance of the courtroom chit chatting just before deciding on where to catch a meal.
ReggaeEbony: All dis dam talk ina di courtroom bout food mek mi a dead fi hungry!.. What wi having fi lunch? *growling stomoch**
Ep25: Mi havi goh tan yah dead fi hungry..mi goose dun cook. Mi put up sum money ina mi house an di way mi put up di money mi cyaan fine ie to rhatid..mi noh have noh lunch money .. **Belly a rowl & growl* *
Sistadawn: Giiiiiiiirl, mi do dat all di time..Do like mi do an barraw di money…Ask Sistagirl ..shi noh tap show aaff how shi get big raise **cut yeye**
Jackie: NO!! Sistergirl no len out yuh money yaah… Si mi len MelodiousOne one mi $500 and di b**ch tap chat to mi cause shi noh waan pay mi back… Now mi ina a pure War, Beef an Cussin ova it.... When disyah trial dun mi ago staright up to Judge Marcia an mek har summons har fi come a court fi mi money.. kip yuh sinting yaah gal
Sistergirl: Jackie mi know seh yuh an mi a bes fren an mi know yuh wi look out fi mi.…Ep what is that all about not having yuh owna lunch money? Yuh noh know noh man yuh can barra di money fram?
EP25: **kiss teet** Mi realize seh noh care how mi preach til mi black & blue seh unu mussen tek seriously unu still caan andastan ..Unu move an gwey mi have mi money ina mi packet! A likkle joke mi did a run
Sistagirl:
SisaDawn: OK buttheads do we need a terapy sessian right here.. Or can wi jus go fine sinting fi eat now..cho! BTW, Jambrit gi wi a ride noh!.
Jambrit: A mi back yuh waan mi carry yuh pan? Noh yuh mi tell yessiday seh dem teif mi cyar .Yuh noh hear mi seh mi dam crasis nephew lef di key ina di car mek dem teif it!..Lawd gi mi strent!!
Jackie: Seh wah? Ah wha kina foolishniss dat im do?! Mi knoa dis woan bring yuh cyar back, but gi de rhatid bwoy one bloodcup lick inna im head an lick im out flat!!! ..Den a how yuh reach a court dis marning if yuh noh gat noh moto cyar?
Jambrit: A Sunshinegirlgi mi a ride ..shi nice yuhsi..always so helpful. Mi coulden miss disyah trial yah. Mi come yah fi si weh di Judge a go do wid mi dawlin Jahlive. **batting yeye**
ReaggaeEbony: Airight unu come ..mi wi drive..if mi falla unu mi drap dung out yah fram starvatian. An Ep try yuh bes mek sure yuh noh poop ina mi car..awoh!
Ep: ’Teva
AFTER RECESS
==============
After the lunch, the court audience re-seated ready to take in part two of the gripping and entertaining trial. The Judge made her appearance:
Bandido: ALL OF UNU PLEASE TO GIT UP!!
Marcia: Thank you Bandido but the proper thing to say is “All Rise”.. Ok? ..You all may be seated. Now we come to the interesting part of the trial. As you know there are two sides to every story. Now we will hear the witnesses for the defendants. Will the Defendants call their first witness please?
Jahlive: Yes Yur Hanna wi will like to call to di stan mi lang time betren fram up state New yark.. Big up to mi article don Cappy! Brap!
Capitall: (leaning against the stand) Judge .. mi really a wonda if mi shudda gi testimony fi dem wen dem mash up mi 'side wuk' yuhnoh! But anyways ...mi ago voutch fi Jahlive cause im really noh hav nat a drap a sense.. Yur hanna, Jahlive did drap pan im hed a wan dance an fram den im tun fool fool so go easy pan im.. A dah big teet bway Bimmi im a fallah bakka .. Di bway is a living an a barn tief an mi noh like im!! Im pick Ms Jazz shap lack an bruck ina it .. mi dida go cawl Police pan im… but a troo mi nuh like babylon, mi shat im ina im bloodcup knee miself..
Bimini: Gwey chrigga happy, ben face bway!! A di lickle pellet gun yuh a showaff soh ova?! Yuhr Hanna a lickle flesh wound di bway gi mi yaah.. an mi neva bruck ina di shap.. Mi pardi shoob mi indeh troo di winda!
Jahlive: Den Cap a wha kina ediat testimony dat yu a gi fi mi sah?! Look how much free Guiness mi gi yuh.. It betta yuh neva even di badda seh nutten to rackstone!
Capitall: **kiss teet** Mi si seh NUTTEN nuh change bout yuh ..yuh still dam angrateful an foo-fool . mi guess mi shudden expek nuh betta fram yuh.. Judge, mi tek bak awl weh mi seh .. heng dem baxide!!
Jazz; A GOOD! Waaii if a laugh a pap! Yur hana dat bway wuz always foo-fool - de drap nuh have one eeartly ting fe do wid it!
Marcia: (BAM! BAM!)OK Mister Capitall thank you. Step down now and let the other witness testify.. next witness please…
Bimini: Wait deh Mis Judge ..before wi go noh furda ..Mi have smady yah dat can testify dat mi noh have noh sense eida.. a noh Jahlive wan foo-fool! Mek im come up come testify now – do!
Marcia: OK ..call the witness Bimini..
Bimini: Hereee Hereee I know call to di stan Dacta Mutinsky MD, OPP, OD ..Brap Brap!!
Islandmutt: *dumb look on face, dribble rolling out of left mouth corner and cricket sounds going off in empty head* Your Hanna as a expert gyratologist, gynecologists, physicists, bush doctor, pap smearist and private tatoosist, I salemly swear dat Bimini is nat of soun mine nor bady to stand trial.. Fram im a likkle pickney im trupid! Di defendant use tuh try blow up im madda douche ina di bathroom cause im did tink it was a wata ballon wid wan hose. So as yuh can si ..Bimini needs to be unda psychiatric care yur Hanna. Mi request dat im is let goh fram dis trial.
Macia: I have never heard so much crap in my life! Dat information is USELESS to this court It look like unu si CrzyBlonde mark pan mi farrid noh? Move fram infront a mi wid yuh Pseudo intellectual, air head self!
Islandmutt: Ok I'm leaving but I'm taking my balls with me! Hasta la vistaAddios.Buenos Tacos!
Other witnesses came forward…
Brownsugga: Good Gay Yur Hanna .. All I have to say is dat Bimini an Jahlive is a betta chef dan dat ooman Jazz. If yuh lef it up to har shi pizen af di whole a wi!.When dese men was running di shap, it was running good! Mi arda hackee, some bwail banana,dumplin, carrot juice, stew chicken and rice and peas an dem get it ready before 12 a'clack! Dem is good peeps!
Tamone: I ave cum to speak on behalf of JahLive and Bimini. Dem is very upstanding citizens and are well loved throughout the community. Is ant dem should bi an trail .. Dem have tree twin bredas dat cause all a de prablem ina Miss Jazz shap, mam. Is dem yuh fe hunt dung an bring dem to justice!
Jahlive: (wispering as she paased by him) Tanks Tamone. Bimini wi com dung a yu place lata an gi yu whe mi pramise yu. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img] **he hem!* What a nice lady doe! Mi neva si har before yur hana an shi juss com gi dat lovely testimony fi mi an mi paady. Dat mus wut sitten!
Marcia: *raised eyebrows* Mista Jahlive Jockstrap are you trying to intimidate me sir?
Kingman: Marcia, excuse mi mam ..uuhhmm
Marcia: What now Kingman! Yuh caan spell “intimidate”?
Kingman: Nat really.. but a noh dat mi waan ask yuh Mam.. Yuh related to di the Rock from WWF mek yuh yeyebrow dem permanently risen?..di mount a time you rise dat deh yeyebrow mi had to ask..
The courtroom busted out into laughter except one person who could not resist taking the opportunity to bad mouth the Stenographer:
Ep25: (talking to neighbor) How cum mi naah laugh..dem start wid di stale foo-fool joke dem early eeh man .. a whe dem get disyah Kindagarten reject fram?.. dam ugly bwaay caan even spell to rahtid **lang kiss teet**
PFLuffy: Lef im! Yuh noh si sey.di bwoy cute so til... is a good ting mi travel wid mi extra undawear mi a tell yuh.. woooi im a tek LIFE!
EP25: **lang eva kiss teet*a couldn't dis a goat head yuh a chat bout seh cute ..when im larn how fi spell den yuh cyaan cum chat bout cute looks
The laughter was still roaring in the courtroom.
Marcia: (BAM BAM!!) Order! Ok you all had have your laughs at my expense .. let’s proceed please!
Ivory: Yur Hanna I'm pleading on behalf of them both.. Like Brownsugga seh, the food was great an di service was fast, food hot and prices very reasonable...When Jazz was running di place yuh had to wait fi days fi food .. and it is a sad life when I have to go beg from my neighbors for food fi feed mi pickney dem... Mi a beg yuh fi Spare Bimni Judge ..im still owe mi wan table tap dance an mi waan im fi deh bout fi shake im boodie fimi..Tanks
Next a tall lady dressed in her shocking red dress began to approach the stand. She was a surprise witness that the defendants expected:
Jahlive: Ratid pipe! A weh Bingo Baggy Nicky a do yah?
Bimini: A shi a di gal wi use to goh school wid weh did a run fram di Bull cow an har baagy drap affa har?..wooii ** DWL!**
Jahlive: LOL A shi same wan.. Seka dah gal deh mi a wear false teet cause shi bax out every striking one outta mi mout back ina di day!! A wanda a weh si haffi seh bout wi sah?
Meanwhile two women were in their seats gossiping about the witness:
Teaoom: Sppttt...Dean is what dis gal look like ina dat Red Vampire outfit an har got 10 inch pike heel boot?! All shi need is some chain an wan leada belt an shi woulda look like wan total freak!!
Dean: LOL. Yuh noh easy Tea!.. shi remine mi a Sandra Clarke from 227 dowe..same weh shi walk an push out har chess like shi a some high class ediat!
NickyThetricky: Yur Hanna mi agree wid Ivory. Nuff pple roun ya waan good cook food fi nyam. An Chef Jazz juss manapalize di food bizniz wid har likkle restaurant. She ovacharge wi fi di likkle salty food weh wi buy fram har kitchen an she cuss we out if wi mek a likkle suggeschan bout har food .. But aside fram dat Jahlive an Bimini noh know how fi run bizniz eida….
Bimini: (whispering) Lawd Gad Jahlive ..Bingo Baggy Nicky ago bury wi now
Nickythe tricky: (continuing) Dem a mi fren yur Hana but dem claim seh dem set up password fi di custmas dem. So mi go roun di back a di shap like di sign seh an whispa di passwurd "Di Chicken Back has Crack" an nutten nuh happen. Soh mi seh it likkle louda -"DI CHICKEN BACK HAS CRACK", an still noh get noh ansa. Mi dideh a tan up an wait a di back door all till mi foot dem cramp up .. Mi tan up deh whole day a dead fi hunga a nat one dem come serve mi all now!
Marcia: **raised eyebrows** ..hmmnnn Is only when people into bandoolo bisniss dem set up codes and paasword …well, well, well. This is was very interesting. Thank you mam ..you may step down. **sigh**Well Ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the end of the hearings. I will be back in a few..
THE VERDICT
============
After a 15 minute break the Judge emerged from her chambers to hand down her vedict.
Marcia: Well I have come to a decision on how to hand down my verdict. Before I do so, do you two gentelemen have any last minute things to say in your defense.
Bimini: Yes mam..I jus waan to seh dat di only crime mi a mi pardi commit is drinking too much Appleton whites ina di shap an drunk aff. ..Mi trow myself at di mercy af di court!!. ...an cum tuh tink af it, mi noh waan live wid Big Errol weh deh a di county jail… Gad wi bless yuh if yuh let wi aff Yur Hanna.. mi is a very sarry smaddy
Jahlive: Awright awright mi wi haplagize to. Mi Sarry fi open up decent an rspectable shap next to Jazz delapidated shap.Mi also sarry Judge Marcia fi gi yu so much chrubble tidey…ow dat?
Jazz: **kiss teet** dat noh mek it!! Afta unu bun up mi pat an table ***** dem, mash up mi dishwasher and put mi ina distress yuh betta come betta dan dat. *dam brite* Mi still waiting for ah sign af remarse fram yuh....
Jahlive: Watcha ooman!!. Henybady a chat to yu? Whe yuh noh tek yuh dyam haunted self an kip yuself quiet!
Jazz: Yuh si how yuh feva dem blastid ugly paatoo! Plastic surgery woulda do yuh some good fi pick up yuh battam lip fram affa yuh chin!
Jahlive: Look who a chat bout plastic surgery.. di likkle wuk yu get pan yu nose mek it kin up ina air mek yuh can barley si di big evalasting bump whe pan it!
Jazz: CLEAR OUT BWAY!!!... atleast fi mi nose can fix ..di dam ugliness plasta pan yuh big face fi life!!
Jahlive: If mi was yu mi wouldn use dat deh wud UGLY too too much yuh noh. Yu hed fava dem jancrow batty. Mi woulden waa fi buk yu up a street com nite time .. yu dyam rolling cyalf yu!
Marcia: (BAM!! BAM!!) ALL RIGHT THAT’S ENOUGH!!Gosh you are the worst set that ever faced me in this courtroom. I have no tolerance for this kinda behaviour – yuh undastan mi!!
Pat3sha: Tell dem Judge!! Is dem same breed nonsense chase out good people out of the community.. Set a termites, ticks and mongrels dem!!
Marcia: **frowned face** Bailiff show that woman the door please.. let her join the termites and mongrels outside since shi know so much bout dem!
Pat3sha: HUH? What did I do?…Yuh mean mi caaan stay here an get more gaasip Judge?! Do noh fling mi out ..Mi live fi di likkle gassip.. a likkle attentian mi di waan dats why mi seh dat.
Bandido: **pushing her out**...come lady yuh noh belang inyah…glang outta door an if yuh come back yah wid di bag a nize again a beat yuh wid dah batton yah til yuh sick!... a tell unu seh mi sick an tired aff unu weh mek mi sick an tyad!!
Marcia: Thank you Bandido.Well let me just say that this has been very interesting and I am very dissapointed in both of you and the kind of hooliganistic behaviour you display in our community. Bimini and Jahlive Bwoy you are both hereby being placed on 30 days probation and 2 months in the county Jail. During probation you have to report to the kitchen of Chef Johnson everyday before 3 pm to help her with the menu and to sweep the place and keep it in a manner befitting to an eating environment. Failure to report without an explanation shall be reported to this court and you will once again face the disciplinary committee. You'd better start learn to love the colour neon orange. Finally the court will award Chef Johnson the sum of $154,000.23c for emotional distress and mental abuse.
Jahlive: Oh Marcia baby ease mi up likkle no baby ow yu fi do mi dem tings deh. Mi lawya Chaz pu dung som good good argument fi wi .. dat no count fi nuttin?
Bimini: Jahlive if yu hav wan plan mi is begging yu fi use it right ya now. Mi caan go chrue jail time sah. Mi no waa Big Eroll com hole mi dung a baxside!!
A lady in distress alarmed everyone has she hollered and bawled after the verdict was read.
Wendy: **rolling on di grung bawling ** Laawd ooyee unu gi mi mi Binini .. mi caan do widout im pengaleng .. Lawd mi dead.. mi seh mi a dead!! FAADA GAD TEK MI HOME TO MT ZION.. DO MI DEH PAN MI KNEE A BEG FI IM .... waaaahhhhh yoyeee dis is a cantravasy!!
Capitall: But kiss mi backfoot ..wat a ooman cyan bawl fi pengileng man! .. All a court house shi deh a gwan soh.. Some ooman noh have noh shame mi a tell yuh..
Jazz: Tank yuh Judge Marcia..Amen!! Justice is served! Mi can finally re-buil mi shap an live in peace! Bye bye Jahlive an Bimni ..mi ago miss unu yuhsi – NOT!! .. wooeeeee!!
As the two were being hauled off to jail in handcuffs, some onlookers had a few comments:
Pepper: Yow Bimini an Jahlive ..unu give a shout out to all the brothers on lock down ina cell block 54 fi mi!! ..hehehehee It sweet mi fi dem yuh si
Ensom: Put Peppa man ..Lawd mi feel kina bad now fi si Bimini goh a jail .. a who mi ago get fi scip a mi bashment now..dam!