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CWEE
Dear Diary: A big yeye b*tch run mi aff a di highway dis marning. Mi ketch a wok 4 minutes pass 12 and mi get ketch again cause di frigging Executive bwaay did a lay wait mi ina di hall way. Mi lisen to mi answering machine and smaddy name Funna lef message seh she si mi add ina di newspapa fi a “tough country gal” an shi fit di description. Wid a name like Funna – anyting is passible. Har footback goodly tough like “haffu” yam. But di dam gal talk wid liss tongue an mi caan mek out wha di B* Cleet she a seh. Har “TH” sound like she a pit ina di phone. Wid all dem crassis mi wish mi did still deh a Jamdung same weh. Screw dis farrin Bachelas Degree! Mi woulda much rada deh a Jamaica a plant gungu peas an yellow yam. Today was one * frigged* up day to blouse skut!
DGEORGE
Dear Diary: Got a dream job with The Miami FBI as a Patois Translator. All mi had to do is translate dem undercova tapes of Jamaican drug dealers. But dem fire mi dis marning cause dem ketch mi a wok part time fi a High profile German spy name Pim van Ravesteijn. Mi sarry seh mi di pramise fi help im out wid im on Website patois translation. An is not like seh im did know whe im did a do to behine hole. Cho! Why bad luck always a falla mi Dear Diary. Mi noh know a how dem FBI bwaay tan so. First mi help dem out an den dem tun roun draw card pon mi. A wah mi a go do fi money now? Mi mite haffi tun in some mad people to Bellevue fi 2 tin a Milo and $1.50 a head.
BELUVED
Dear Diary: Just left the hospital and home resting. Mi tink mi was going to dead from dat smoke inhalation. As a Christian mi shoulda know betta dan fi mek Nesta gi mi ganja fi smoke. Lawd a need a shot a white rum fi gleanse mi temple (body)afta dat experience.. Mi know mi not suppose to smoke and dat my God is a jealous God ..yet still mi go tek a one draw wid Nesta. Ain’t dat some sh*t ! Have to go back an read Romans 6:16 an repent.
Q3210
Dear Diary: Tek a day off fram work tidey and tour di whole a Kingston. Nobaddy no know Kingston like mi. Mi go a place like Matches Lane, Tivoli and Dunkirk. Buck up a gal fram Tivoli seh seh she name BASHYOO aka Dancehall Queen. Mi seh dis gal yah bashy-bashy caan done. Mi ask har how she living and she tell mi shi a live like Oliva - "live an in living color!" ..Live in living color is right, di dam gal boot an head a di same orange an blue color..Mi decide fi tek har to di beach wid mi since mi is a man whe visit nuff Beach. Gal tell mi seh she noh waan go a noh Doctor`s Cave Beach, she waan go a bashment a Legend pon Utica street.... She all waan bring har Prospect park massive, Flatbush massive and di Tilden crew. Dear Diary – a di lass time mi deal wid a sketel bamma. Betta mi did tan wid Brownsugga fram St.Elizabeth cause di town gal dem too ghetto fabulous.
JAZZ
Dear Diary: A police bwaay pull mi ova dis marning cause mi was drving unda di influence of Vodka and Coke. So what if mi was driving on the wrang side a di road?!! Atleast mi stay clear fram di side walk! Babylon bwaay treatnen fi put mi ina jail fi drunk driving an mi tell di renka seh mi wi get im *** fired if im try it. Well, mi jus a come fram jail! Mi caan believe seh im lack mi up fi true! Spen ova 2 night widout access to a phone an mi couldn’t get fi beat two juice ina mi jail cell. Wha bun is mi hear seh im department gi im medal fi get aneda drunk aff di road. Dem all have mi pictra pon di news. If mi did know seh a dis woulda happen mi woulda jus tell lie seh mi jus a come from Jamaica an noh know how fi drive pon farrin road an mi a ketch mi practice. Dear Diary: I have neva been seen such injustice and I am so dam pissed!
JULES
Dear Diary: I am so bummed. Dem rab mi motel last night and tief $566 outta di regista and teif mi portrait a mi Jamaican man weh did hang up at di entrance.Mi going crazy cause mi love mi Jamaican man an a di only pictra mi hav a im. Why dem neva kidnap di front clerk instead? Tek up di phone fi call mi Jamaican man and get one message weh seh “Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline”. Dam! Dialed di wrang numba! Anyway mi hear di aparator seh: “If you are manic-depressive, press any numba”. Since mi was so depressed mi seh what di hell and mi press numba 7. Mi coulda swear mi hear mi man ina di phone whispering “Marry mi Jules oresle a sen di massive fi rob yuh again”. YIKES!! Dear Diary, I am loosing it. Need help.
QUEEN
Dear Diary: What a salt Birthday. All mi do tidey is go up a Jazz restaurant an shi gi mi piece a dry cake and dats all mi get! Today I looked in the mirror and cried: “Mirror Mirror on the wall, tell mi wha mek mi breast dem a fall”. Boy I really feel old. Mi fine miself complaining and mi more miserable like mi ole dead granny dan before. Mi caan even bear fi hear people a bicker at each ada, even if a play dema play wid dem one aneda..As soon as mi get off mi chair mi waan siddung back cause a piece a tired come dung pon mi soh sudden. Aaaiihh Sah .. turning 24 is a b*tch.
SANDRA
Dear Diary: Lost the dam record contract tidey! Di recard studio engineer tell mi seh di sang mi write soun good but im a go get Sanchez fi sing it. No wanda dere is so much black on black violence cause a did waan tek di Studio Mike an ***** im crass im face. How im a go mek Sanchez pirate mi sang? Good ting I har brought up praperly wid good mannerebleness. Hi could have galong bod but troo Hi is a Christian hi holded back fram telling him bout im Cakka! Come home now an tek out di lass Nutty buddy outa di Freeza fi cock up an watch Young and di Restless. Come fi fine out dat mi set di VCR pon di wrang channel and tape “BoyZ in the Hood “ instead. Cho Rahtid! – more black on black violence **Fass Forward**. Days like dese mek any Christian cuss bad wod.
LACY
Dear Diary: Went shopping at the Mall with my boyfriend of 25 yrs. Took that Nit wit pass di Jewelry store 10 times and di eediat still neva get di hint. We left with bags of goodies – yes – Everyting ina di bag , mi buy fi dat broke ***! I would have much more fun attending to my blooming flowers in the garden. Don’t know how much longer I should wait until should I trade dis Mazda in for a Roll Royce. Dam bway is more like a roommate dan a boyfriend. Looking at my bare fingers. Nothing to show for all these years. Oh well, looking forward to some more ungodly, loud, slam mi head ‘gainst the wall, chain an whip sex tonight.
ACKEE
Dear Diary: Just writing down some Life Instructions I learned today.
1.When yuh lose, don’t lose di lesson an noh loose yuh laas $10 pon race harse..
2. Follow the three Rs:
- Respect for self. Time now mi tap bruck people shap an get miself ina church fi buil mi self esteem
- Respect for others. Mi shoulda neva tell mi moda seh she dry an wrinkle up like 3 week ole skellion
- Responsibility for all your actions. Doan blame di pickney dem fi di missing $100 outta wifie purse.
3. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. Is a good ting mi neva get a juck offa Jacqueline. Sex nice, but di AIDS ting wi mek yuh die like Flowers….
WILLOW
Dear Diary: Just sharing my experience wid mi man. Last night mi call im an ask im if when wi have a baby if im wi help mi wash di baby nappy dem by han. Im laugh and laugh and laugh and seh “Willow baby, dats why mi love yh so.. yuh funny bad. A joke yuh a mek – right? How yuh a go ask big man fi wash baby doo-doo nappy ina dem yah day an age? Misis try yuh bes buy one Whirlpool washing machine put ina di house an start cut out coupon fi Disposable Diaper fram now”. God bless his heart, Ilove him so. Oh what a GEM. I just wanted to share this with you my diary. **sigh**
PEPPER
Dear Diary: Try fi impress mi man by showing up stark naked wid some Chinese food. Mi expect di man fi Cuddle, Kiss, Caress, Stroke Hug, and trow imself pon mi..all im do is drag out di food outta mi han an nyam off di likkle food, burp, fart and drop asleep pon fi grung infront a mi. Mi naked behine nearly freeze aff cause di AC tun up high ina di apartment. A di laas time mi show up wid Chinese food. Next time mi a go show up naked wid a bakkle a irish mosh and a stunt gun.
BLESSEDLADYOFZION
Dear Diary: Laas 2 a mi teet ova night. Here mi tink mi was dreaming an get up dis marning fi si di two teet dem lay down beside mi. Rose did tell mi fi floss before mi go a mi bed but troo mi noh have noh floss mi use di dinna knife fi dig out mi teet. A wonda if mi mek mistake an cut out mi owna teet sah? ..A wha coulda cause dis? Lowd a wanda if dis a sign of obeah? Dear Diary: Mi going to get a reading from di bush dacta so im can explain why mi teet dem jus drap out soh cause dis is a mystery...
LAWX
Dear Diary: Lawx, di flu a lick mi fi six tidey..I feel like is soon time far mi to go home an meet Di Saviour. Mi noh know how much breat lef ina mi… ooooh, ooooooh ..Mi teet.. mi yeye-lash ..mi tongue.. mi arm pit ..mi toe nail..mi wisdom teet..mi finga tip..ooooh mi whole baddy pain up! Dis maybe mi last words Dear Diary. Not a cold medicine in di house so mi tek a shot a white rum, drink some ganja tea, nyam five sour cream and onion chips, half jug a ice-cream, peanut butta wid crackas and rub two lime pon mi farhead. Now pon tap di flu, mi have a bad case a diarrhea mix up wid colic. Mek mi go use di tielet and go a mi bed yaah man. Grroooaannnnn!!
FH
Dear Diary: Site a good looking man downtown tidey. Mi heart was a bubble up as im approach mi. Den as im get closer mi notice seh im did only look good fram far.. but up close im far fram good looking. Dis bumptious society reject who seh im name FeddyB a start tell mi how im was cute when im was a baby. Mi tun roun an ask im a when im out grow im pretty looks cause im hugly like sin. Dis half eediat bway come a tell mi seh im come to di assumption seh mi loss like poop ina Bambo seat. Dats is why mi spirit neva tek Septemba man fram mi bawn cause dem too renk and force ripe fi my liking ..an pan tap a dat dem miserly, unidecated, dem noh cut dem toe nail, one a dem ears always bigga dan di oda, dem nose
ole flare up like fi jacksass…(Lawd mi a run outta space....to be continued)
Dear Diary: A big yeye b*tch run mi aff a di highway dis marning. Mi ketch a wok 4 minutes pass 12 and mi get ketch again cause di frigging Executive bwaay did a lay wait mi ina di hall way. Mi lisen to mi answering machine and smaddy name Funna lef message seh she si mi add ina di newspapa fi a “tough country gal” an shi fit di description. Wid a name like Funna – anyting is passible. Har footback goodly tough like “haffu” yam. But di dam gal talk wid liss tongue an mi caan mek out wha di B* Cleet she a seh. Har “TH” sound like she a pit ina di phone. Wid all dem crassis mi wish mi did still deh a Jamdung same weh. Screw dis farrin Bachelas Degree! Mi woulda much rada deh a Jamaica a plant gungu peas an yellow yam. Today was one * frigged* up day to blouse skut!
DGEORGE
Dear Diary: Got a dream job with The Miami FBI as a Patois Translator. All mi had to do is translate dem undercova tapes of Jamaican drug dealers. But dem fire mi dis marning cause dem ketch mi a wok part time fi a High profile German spy name Pim van Ravesteijn. Mi sarry seh mi di pramise fi help im out wid im on Website patois translation. An is not like seh im did know whe im did a do to behine hole. Cho! Why bad luck always a falla mi Dear Diary. Mi noh know a how dem FBI bwaay tan so. First mi help dem out an den dem tun roun draw card pon mi. A wah mi a go do fi money now? Mi mite haffi tun in some mad people to Bellevue fi 2 tin a Milo and $1.50 a head.
BELUVED
Dear Diary: Just left the hospital and home resting. Mi tink mi was going to dead from dat smoke inhalation. As a Christian mi shoulda know betta dan fi mek Nesta gi mi ganja fi smoke. Lawd a need a shot a white rum fi gleanse mi temple (body)afta dat experience.. Mi know mi not suppose to smoke and dat my God is a jealous God ..yet still mi go tek a one draw wid Nesta. Ain’t dat some sh*t ! Have to go back an read Romans 6:16 an repent.
Q3210
Dear Diary: Tek a day off fram work tidey and tour di whole a Kingston. Nobaddy no know Kingston like mi. Mi go a place like Matches Lane, Tivoli and Dunkirk. Buck up a gal fram Tivoli seh seh she name BASHYOO aka Dancehall Queen. Mi seh dis gal yah bashy-bashy caan done. Mi ask har how she living and she tell mi shi a live like Oliva - "live an in living color!" ..Live in living color is right, di dam gal boot an head a di same orange an blue color..Mi decide fi tek har to di beach wid mi since mi is a man whe visit nuff Beach. Gal tell mi seh she noh waan go a noh Doctor`s Cave Beach, she waan go a bashment a Legend pon Utica street.... She all waan bring har Prospect park massive, Flatbush massive and di Tilden crew. Dear Diary – a di lass time mi deal wid a sketel bamma. Betta mi did tan wid Brownsugga fram St.Elizabeth cause di town gal dem too ghetto fabulous.
JAZZ
Dear Diary: A police bwaay pull mi ova dis marning cause mi was drving unda di influence of Vodka and Coke. So what if mi was driving on the wrang side a di road?!! Atleast mi stay clear fram di side walk! Babylon bwaay treatnen fi put mi ina jail fi drunk driving an mi tell di renka seh mi wi get im *** fired if im try it. Well, mi jus a come fram jail! Mi caan believe seh im lack mi up fi true! Spen ova 2 night widout access to a phone an mi couldn’t get fi beat two juice ina mi jail cell. Wha bun is mi hear seh im department gi im medal fi get aneda drunk aff di road. Dem all have mi pictra pon di news. If mi did know seh a dis woulda happen mi woulda jus tell lie seh mi jus a come from Jamaica an noh know how fi drive pon farrin road an mi a ketch mi practice. Dear Diary: I have neva been seen such injustice and I am so dam pissed!
JULES
Dear Diary: I am so bummed. Dem rab mi motel last night and tief $566 outta di regista and teif mi portrait a mi Jamaican man weh did hang up at di entrance.Mi going crazy cause mi love mi Jamaican man an a di only pictra mi hav a im. Why dem neva kidnap di front clerk instead? Tek up di phone fi call mi Jamaican man and get one message weh seh “Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline”. Dam! Dialed di wrang numba! Anyway mi hear di aparator seh: “If you are manic-depressive, press any numba”. Since mi was so depressed mi seh what di hell and mi press numba 7. Mi coulda swear mi hear mi man ina di phone whispering “Marry mi Jules oresle a sen di massive fi rob yuh again”. YIKES!! Dear Diary, I am loosing it. Need help.
QUEEN
Dear Diary: What a salt Birthday. All mi do tidey is go up a Jazz restaurant an shi gi mi piece a dry cake and dats all mi get! Today I looked in the mirror and cried: “Mirror Mirror on the wall, tell mi wha mek mi breast dem a fall”. Boy I really feel old. Mi fine miself complaining and mi more miserable like mi ole dead granny dan before. Mi caan even bear fi hear people a bicker at each ada, even if a play dema play wid dem one aneda..As soon as mi get off mi chair mi waan siddung back cause a piece a tired come dung pon mi soh sudden. Aaaiihh Sah .. turning 24 is a b*tch.
SANDRA
Dear Diary: Lost the dam record contract tidey! Di recard studio engineer tell mi seh di sang mi write soun good but im a go get Sanchez fi sing it. No wanda dere is so much black on black violence cause a did waan tek di Studio Mike an ***** im crass im face. How im a go mek Sanchez pirate mi sang? Good ting I har brought up praperly wid good mannerebleness. Hi could have galong bod but troo Hi is a Christian hi holded back fram telling him bout im Cakka! Come home now an tek out di lass Nutty buddy outa di Freeza fi cock up an watch Young and di Restless. Come fi fine out dat mi set di VCR pon di wrang channel and tape “BoyZ in the Hood “ instead. Cho Rahtid! – more black on black violence **Fass Forward**. Days like dese mek any Christian cuss bad wod.
LACY
Dear Diary: Went shopping at the Mall with my boyfriend of 25 yrs. Took that Nit wit pass di Jewelry store 10 times and di eediat still neva get di hint. We left with bags of goodies – yes – Everyting ina di bag , mi buy fi dat broke ***! I would have much more fun attending to my blooming flowers in the garden. Don’t know how much longer I should wait until should I trade dis Mazda in for a Roll Royce. Dam bway is more like a roommate dan a boyfriend. Looking at my bare fingers. Nothing to show for all these years. Oh well, looking forward to some more ungodly, loud, slam mi head ‘gainst the wall, chain an whip sex tonight.
ACKEE
Dear Diary: Just writing down some Life Instructions I learned today.
1.When yuh lose, don’t lose di lesson an noh loose yuh laas $10 pon race harse..
2. Follow the three Rs:
- Respect for self. Time now mi tap bruck people shap an get miself ina church fi buil mi self esteem
- Respect for others. Mi shoulda neva tell mi moda seh she dry an wrinkle up like 3 week ole skellion
- Responsibility for all your actions. Doan blame di pickney dem fi di missing $100 outta wifie purse.
3. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. Is a good ting mi neva get a juck offa Jacqueline. Sex nice, but di AIDS ting wi mek yuh die like Flowers….
WILLOW
Dear Diary: Just sharing my experience wid mi man. Last night mi call im an ask im if when wi have a baby if im wi help mi wash di baby nappy dem by han. Im laugh and laugh and laugh and seh “Willow baby, dats why mi love yh so.. yuh funny bad. A joke yuh a mek – right? How yuh a go ask big man fi wash baby doo-doo nappy ina dem yah day an age? Misis try yuh bes buy one Whirlpool washing machine put ina di house an start cut out coupon fi Disposable Diaper fram now”. God bless his heart, Ilove him so. Oh what a GEM. I just wanted to share this with you my diary. **sigh**
PEPPER
Dear Diary: Try fi impress mi man by showing up stark naked wid some Chinese food. Mi expect di man fi Cuddle, Kiss, Caress, Stroke Hug, and trow imself pon mi..all im do is drag out di food outta mi han an nyam off di likkle food, burp, fart and drop asleep pon fi grung infront a mi. Mi naked behine nearly freeze aff cause di AC tun up high ina di apartment. A di laas time mi show up wid Chinese food. Next time mi a go show up naked wid a bakkle a irish mosh and a stunt gun.
BLESSEDLADYOFZION
Dear Diary: Laas 2 a mi teet ova night. Here mi tink mi was dreaming an get up dis marning fi si di two teet dem lay down beside mi. Rose did tell mi fi floss before mi go a mi bed but troo mi noh have noh floss mi use di dinna knife fi dig out mi teet. A wonda if mi mek mistake an cut out mi owna teet sah? ..A wha coulda cause dis? Lowd a wanda if dis a sign of obeah? Dear Diary: Mi going to get a reading from di bush dacta so im can explain why mi teet dem jus drap out soh cause dis is a mystery...
LAWX
Dear Diary: Lawx, di flu a lick mi fi six tidey..I feel like is soon time far mi to go home an meet Di Saviour. Mi noh know how much breat lef ina mi… ooooh, ooooooh ..Mi teet.. mi yeye-lash ..mi tongue.. mi arm pit ..mi toe nail..mi wisdom teet..mi finga tip..ooooh mi whole baddy pain up! Dis maybe mi last words Dear Diary. Not a cold medicine in di house so mi tek a shot a white rum, drink some ganja tea, nyam five sour cream and onion chips, half jug a ice-cream, peanut butta wid crackas and rub two lime pon mi farhead. Now pon tap di flu, mi have a bad case a diarrhea mix up wid colic. Mek mi go use di tielet and go a mi bed yaah man. Grroooaannnnn!!
FH
Dear Diary: Site a good looking man downtown tidey. Mi heart was a bubble up as im approach mi. Den as im get closer mi notice seh im did only look good fram far.. but up close im far fram good looking. Dis bumptious society reject who seh im name FeddyB a start tell mi how im was cute when im was a baby. Mi tun roun an ask im a when im out grow im pretty looks cause im hugly like sin. Dis half eediat bway come a tell mi seh im come to di assumption seh mi loss like poop ina Bambo seat. Dats is why mi spirit neva tek Septemba man fram mi bawn cause dem too renk and force ripe fi my liking ..an pan tap a dat dem miserly, unidecated, dem noh cut dem toe nail, one a dem ears always bigga dan di oda, dem nose
ole flare up like fi jacksass…(Lawd mi a run outta space....to be continued)