NEW YEAR SUSS REPORT..

**LusciousJohnson** · 01-12-2011, 12:11 PM

Re: NEW YEAR SUSS REPORT..

**Wendy** · 01-12-2011, 12:16 PM

Re: NEW YEAR SUSS REPORT..

What a gyal love a Suss

Ok I am posting now.

The Suss is set in a Spa and Salon. Enjoy

**Wendy** · 01-12-2011, 12:27 PM

SUSS REPORT- Xpose Spa and Beauty Salon .

Xpose Spa and Beauty Salon 

It was the first weekend of the New Year when the most popular Spa and Beauty Salon on Boardlane opened its doors early in the morning. In the Salon, some of the beauticians were already getting their work areas ready for what was expected to be quite busy work day by the appointments and usual walk-ins.
------------------
Peasie: Morning, morning, morning! Man I sure hope dis place bustle tideh. Mi is need of some money afta mi spen aff di whole a mi savings a renovate mi lickle 1951 house. Mi sey di zinc fi di pit tielet dem a cast mi a fatrune!

ILP: Hush, noh mine. Jus mek sure yuh tek yuh time an do di ting prapaply anoh badda goh cut carna pan di electrical and plumbing. Save some a yuh money a noh badda do to much sub contracting cause if yuh run outta money mi noh know how yuh ago manige.

Peasie: Well, between mi an yuh ILP, mi teif 153 brazier fram Victoria's Secret dung a Northbrook Court store last week. Mi a plan fi sell dem pan di black market fi mek up di money. But noh tell a soul. Shhhh!!! When wan, wan customas come in, if mi si sey dem bossom naah tan up straight, mi wi try sell dem wan di push up wan dem fi help out dem canditian.

ILP: A lie! Den a how much yuh a sell dem fah? Mi might look into buying wan, between Hunter a terrorize mi ti-ti dem an di evalasting pumping, mi nice, nice bress dem flat like bammy to rahtid.

Peasie: A true .. Mi si it. Dem noh tan good fi troot. Well, di wan dem weh mek fi hice up yuh ti-ti dem a sell fi $63.

ILP: SEH WAH?!! Is arite – yuh can kip dem. Dat a noh black market price. Besides, Hunter nyam aaf mi money mi coulda use acquire it.

Another employee walks in, heavy bags in tow and greets her colleagues:

SweetSsop: Marning people! How unu do? (looks at one of her colleagues with pause) But wait, Kia a wah do yuh knee cup dem?

Kia: (looking down at her knees) What yuh talking bout? Wah wrang wid dem?

SweetSsop: Misis, is winta time now. Mek mi tell yuh dis. Yuh noh suppose to ina noh short skirt an boots widdout tights or stocking if yuh naah goh rub likkle loitian pan yuh ashy leg dem. It noh look good Kia – dat is jus plain nasty.

Stormmey: Forget about the ashyness, those knees look swollen or is fat dem fat?

Kia:Unu clear aff! Smaddy jus han mi some African shea butter from di cabinet please.

Gen: Eeh eeh! Kia, yuh need more dan shea butta fi dat deh breeda ashyness. Yuh fi come si mi pan yuh lunch break fi get wan dermabrasion treatment.

SweetSsop: DWL. Yuh si mi Gen. I’m just saying …

Hour by hour the spa and salon became packed with customers receiving beauty and personal care. While the staff was busy with work, a frowned faced lady walks in the Salon. She had a look of discomfort on her face and appeared to be walking with her legs spread apart. One of the beauticians noticed her and was concerned.

Kia:Good morning. Are your all right? Can I help you with something?

Skelly:Yes please (whispering) Mi have a problem wid some Razor bumps down dere soh (pointing between her legs). Fram yessiday mi si wan pop up an it a tun yeye sore. Mi was wondering if unu have any products in here wey can get rid a it in 24 hrs. An mi not interesting ina noh waxing. Mi hate waxing!

Kia: No problem, if you have some time I can take yuh around the back for some privacy an sanitize the area. I need to take a tweezer an pluck out di hair out of di razor bump area.

Skelly: Ok mam, but di nasty offender is located pan mi thigh. Mi did a try dig out di hair follicle miself but di siting stubborn soh til. Mi sey di siting soh big dat it look like all pous inna it! Mi already did a try rub it dung wid so-so alcohol and wash it wid Asepso soap but it look like all dat a do a mek it swell up bigga!

A lady getting her pedicure who was listening in on the customer’s complaints looked over at her and remarked:

Nunya: All a dat fi ONE bump?? Flippin heck! An is not even like say it deh right eena di miggle a yuh farhead. Noh ina yuh cratchiz it kotch up eena which pawt yuh haffi spread out fi anybady seet?

Skelly: But si yah! Was I speaking to you? Why yuh noh ask di lady doing yuh toe dem fi do sinting bout di corn field a grow pan tap a dem an come outta mi bizniss?!

Nunya: Gwey! Mi noh know wey yuh waan di people dem fi do bout sore inna yuh cratchies! All yuh needed fi so in fi tek wan yeyebrow pencil an jus put two dot ova di bump an a draw wan semi circle undaneat it an voila! Yuh have a smiley face wid a black nose. Ah no nutten! Unu too dyam friten!

Skelly:Miss, can yuh just tek mi roun di back an help mi wid dis ting yuh hear. Mi trying not to dampen mi man arousal wid dis big black infested siting! Mi not in di mood fi lissen to dat dyam broad nose gyal ova deh soh.

Kia:Ok, come wid mi. Mi might havi get some acne stuff fi wash di area fi yuh. Hope yuh skin noh too tenda.

--------------------
As the two went to have the bump taken care of in the back room, the speculations and ridicule ran rampant among the beauticians and customers:

Peasie: I bet sey if mi tek a closa look pan dat gyal vagina it hairless! Mi a look pan porn di odda night fi education purposes, an a pure hairless bizniz mi si a gwaan. Unu tell mi now, shi noh muss get razor bump if shi a shave aff di sinting?!

CeaBee: When yuh si dem tings dey Peasie, most of dem probably wax dung dere. Plus di menz people that viewing the porn must like it or it wouldn't bi like dat.

Sandif: Peasie, what a ole fawt like yuh doing watching porn fi educational research by di way? To answer yuh question, the porn business is big and is about imaging. Di days of wan heapa macka-bush pan Ron Jeremy balls are long gone!

A customer doing her facial joined in the conversation :

Mgee: LOL. Mi hear a comedian warn guys seh if dem ago shave dung soh, mek sure dem shave the wholla body, chest, leg, everything - otherwise dem wi look as if dem did have a brush fire. DWL

Peasie: Dis is a noh a joke ting man. Mi was looking information soh dat when mi ready to date again ... in about 100 years ... mi doan look confused when di menz drap dem drawz an mi pap out mi yeye an seh ,"Watcha now mi bredrin, yuh a lose hair pan yuh head tap and dung dehsoh to?" Plus mi did a try refresh mi memory how fi cock up mi foot dem like wan time. It’s been a while. Mi did jus friten fi seh di ooman dem doan have no hair. Mi tink dem look strange widout any hair. Is me one tink this?

Sandif: Is jus fi the visual and the appeal for the audience. Nowadays balls and various glory holes shaved, waxed an bleach out Peasie. Dung to last week Derek come in a di Spa fi wax dung im sausage. A noh nutten.

Peasie: Lawd, yes im need fi wax dung dat ting looking like dem blastid Sasquatch. Im a di exceptian, but dem hairless menz actors look strange to me. I doan like it at all.

SweetSsop: Well, it coulda wors Peasie, Imagine if yuh si grey hair dung deh soh. Dat is a big turn awf. Anybady have any hang up about grey hair dung dey?

ILP: Mek mi goh inspect di Current an get back to yuh pan dah wan dey.

Stormmey: Mi neva si grey down there.....but I think it would be a big turn off for me. Having grey on top of yuh head is one thing but when you start grey dung dehsoh, dat mean sey yuh olda dan methusala!

Another customer adds her two cents:

Nanook: Well then, maybe it's true blondes do have more fun! When yuh blonde, by di time yuh get ole, di man dem noh know di difference and to tell you the truth dem noh care what color it is as long as dem a get some.

SweetSsop: Well, smaddy tell mi sey dem did a get some one time and when him look pon di hair dung dey is pare grey hair im si an him sey it tun im aff fram di gyal.

Stormmey: Well, im shoulda leff di blastid lights on. Dyam eediat jumped in without looking fus

SweetSsop: Di light was on Stormey, dats why im si mi grey hair… eehmm mi mean… si di smaddy grey hair an him neva want ie again.

Nanook: OK, I am gonna say it just once so hear me now. A woman getting a few grey hairs is nuttin like when di menz dem stawt to hang dung soh. Just sayin...

The beauty shop erupted in laughter at the customer’s comments. While the laughing continued, Kia and her customer emerged from the back room.

Kia:Hope dat feeling a little betta. Now remember, wax regularly, or come and let us use laser to remove it all. If yuh decide to wax, use a body scrub regularly soh yuh noh get noh more razor bump!

Skelly:Tank yuh soh much. BTW, dis place look like a nice place to get a facial. Can I get one while I am here? I pledged for the New Year to tap look like duppy an look more like a diva.

Kia: Mi agree wid yuh. Mi was gwine tell yuh sey yuh face fulla curru-curru roun a back, but mi neva waan shame yuh. Step ova mi station mek a gi yuh a good scrubbing.

--------------------
Shortly afterward, two gentlemen men could be seen standing outside the Salon all decked out in flamboyant looking suits. They appear to be business men trying walking around the strip selling products. As the men walked in the door, the ladies begin to comment on their appearances.

Stormmey: Jesas peez! Noh man! Ugly people should neva wear certain type of clothes, wedda male or female. What is that ediot wearing?

SweetSsop: Which one yuh a talk Stormmey? Di wan pan di lef or di right?

Kia: Shi a talk bout di guy inna di brown jacket. Why di hell im a wear red tie wid dat deh jacket. Dem deh man noh know style a rahtid. Wan brown tie woulda look much betta dan dat deh peica red klaat im call tie.

Fancy: Aww hellz naw! Is dat cowprint im have on?!! No Sah! Dat dat noh cute at all!

One of the men approaches and makes his sale pitch to one of the beauticians:

Xavier: (showing a picture of a hideous pair of Boots) : Would any of you ladies wear these boots? Dem a di latess Lady Gaga boots an dem a sell aff all bout fram New yark to Paris.

Fancy: (Shoving the two men out the door) Unh unh...no sah! Dem deh boot too fugly bad! Wi noh wear dem dey boot. Gwaan goh sell dem dey sinting to Sistacntry a di beauty supply crass di street. Shi wi wear any boot wid harse hoof pan dem!

As the men were escorted out the door, one of the customers could not resist commenting on the men appearances.

Skelly: (peering through her facial mask) Well if I many comment, di wan ina di brown jackit muss bi wan country bway fram Arkansas wey di bud dem a drap outta di sky! Di dyam jacket look like black bud drap all ova it. Lawd Gad, dat look disgusting!

ILP: Naah man! Fram mi si im wid di blasted gole teet ina im mout an corduroy tam mi can tell sey a yaad im come fram.

Peasie: A troo enoh ILP! Sometime dem people yah fashion statement mek yuh know sey dem Jamaican. To how mi si Stormmey slip a show fram andaneat har skirt an powdah spread out round har neck an pan di bosom, mi did tink shi was yaadi.

Stormmey: Nah ah!! I am not Jamaican my dear. But I too can spot a Jamaican from a mile. Don’t matter where I go, I see them wearing a lot of knitted caps on their heads. I si people in Jamdung by halfwaythree in 90 degree weather wearing knits and knitted cap and turtle necks.

Skelly: (snickering) Lady, repeat wey yuh jus sey? Where in Jamdung yuh si people a wear turkle neck?

Stormmey: By Halfwaythree square. You don’t know where that is?

Skelly: BOADWL waaaiii mi belly a hat mi!

Stormmey: Is what sweet yuh soh? Cho! Betcha is some joke at my expense. Is what?

Peasie: (laughing) Neva mine Stormmey. Draw up yuh slip an noh pay har noh mine. (Teasing) A same soh mi si dem a wear knit cap dung a Three-lawny to. DWL

-------------------
As the laughter faded, another customer walks in the salon wearing Sunglasses that completely cover her eyes. She makes her way over to one of the beauticians and removes her sunglasses, exposing her bulging eyes.

Ms Exced: Hi good morning mam. Can I get your help with a small problem I am having?

CeaBee: (Alarmed) Kiss mi neck! Wah do yuh yeye lady? A mek yuh yeye lid look soh cake up?

Ms Exced: Well, you see that is my problem miss. I am not so much of a makeup person. Usually mi jus wear lickle lipgloss an goh bout mi bizness. But mi hear people a talk bout dis new mascara an mi decide to try it. Well afta mi almost bline miself mi finally get it on. Mi put it on fram New Years Eve night an all now di sinting cyaan come aff a mi yeye lash. My question is, unu have anyting here mi can use to tek it off? HELP mi do!!

CeaBee: Fiyah pon false hair! Bugga yuh!

Skelly: (Intervening) No lady, is not false yeye lash shi wearing. I think shi have on Maybelline Falsies. I recommend it to mi fren dem all di time. It mek mi lashes dem look extra long an it hold up all day. An yuh really nat even haffi glue on di bat lash dem.

CeaBee: Oh! Look like mi bun fiyah too quick! Well, I doan understand unu fascination wid bat wings. But maybe is cause I have tall lashes why me can seh dat. Mi is di wrang smaddy fi help yuh lady cause mi noh really eena di mascara ting from me poke out mi eye wid di applicator. Galang to smaddy else mek dem help yuh out.

Laurel: Neva mine love. I can help. I did the same thing one time. Yuh buy di waterproof version and dats why it soh hard fi come aff. Come over here to di shampoo bowl mek mi shampoo it out fi yuh. Den mi add di conditioner to di lash an yuh will bi on yuh way.

Sandif: Lady nex time noh tek dem sinting deh mash up yuh yeye lash. Buy di Lancome Definicils mascara instead. Is dat mek my already long lashes more lavishly longer (batting eyes)

Vegas: [i](Stroking her well done 6 inch false nails through her long lace front wig) If laugh a pap. Unu luckia dan mi...If it nat fake, mi naah wear none! It betta shi did sew on some false hair pan har yeye dem. It woulden cake up soh.

Laurel: Oh Gash man. Unu tap laugh affa di ooman. Shi jus noh know betta. So miss, did you like it once you got it on? What did you think?

Ms Exced: All who a laugh, mi glad mi give unu joke . Mi get nuff compliment thou Yes Miss, I love it, it's not clumpy and it makes my lash looks fuller and longer. I did not do the bottom lashes just the top ones, soh jus shampoo and condition di bottom lash dem please.

Later in the evening as the salon was nearing closing hours, another customer visited the salon and began to survey the beauty products over the counter and on the display counter. She seems to be looking for something specific.

Peasie: Hi good afternoon. Can I interest you in something? Perhaps a fuscia, acqua , olive or mustard colad Victoria Secret brassiere for your low lying breasts?

SueSumba: Excuse mi! Try yuh bess doan come renk. Anyway, I am looking for a moisturizer for my face. Something from the Olay brand.

Peasie: Ok, let me get the lady who specialize ina dose products fi yuh. (Yelling) JD, yuh have a customa here in need a some Olay maisterizer! (under her breath) .. an wan decent brazier if yuh ask mi 

Jamaica_dreamin: (walking briskly to the front) Yes , we have some Oil of Olay Pro X that we recommend to our clients. Will that do miss?

SueSumba: Depends. How much it a sell fah?

Jamaica_dreamin: Di 6 0z backle a fi $29.99 or yuh can get di bigga wan for only $48.99

SueSumba: Is soh unu blinking teif inyah?! Yuh know how much beauty supplies mi can get a dollarama fi dat dey money? Mi can goh a dollarama an get Oil of Olay Regenerist eye makeup, mi Sally Hansen products, mi Revlon stuff an all DNAge cream fi dalla.

Jamaica_dreamin: Mi raah. Missis what yuh need fi do a goh get yuself some blasted reading glasses a di dalla store. Cause mi waan fi know if yuh noh si did sign sey “Xpose Spa and Salon” pan di front door. Yuh really expect fi si dalla store price inyah?!

SueSumba: Is ahrite. Mi sarry mi come inyah. Needless to say, mi buy in bulk soh mek mi goh buy mi sinting dem a dollarama. Unu luckia dan mi. Bout $29.99. Unu kirrout!

Jamaica_dreamin: Galang bout yuh bisnez! An while yuh at di dalla store, pick wan pack a Dental floss to. Mi can si sey yuh jus done nyam peica salt beef weh itch up ina yuh teet. But what a gyal renk dowe, eeh?

Nunya: Si wid har. Yuh noh si di tights shi have on wid har baggy a print out backa har? Har b@tty hungry. Have a hawt..

Loops: (peering from under the hair dryer) Well mi wouldn't mind having her body....but it still look like shi figet to put har pants on before shi lef har house.

CeaBee: Fi real. Mi tink regardless of har size, shi fi cover up har backside! We not trying to see all a dat polka-dot baggy print troo har tights.

Mgee: Unu know sey mi know har good. Shi have a nice son dat stylish an look like im could be mi dawta type . But seeing as how shi soh cheap mi noh tink mi ago badda put up mi dawta fi chat to har pickney. Anyway, you ladies have a lovely evening, yuh hear. It was a pleasure as always.

All: Ahrite .. same to you.

CeaBee: Well people, mek mi pack up mi siting an goh a mi yaad yaah. If unu noh si mi come a wok nex week a becaah mi hit di lotto. Mi horoscope said something bout mi should buy lottry ticket pan Jan 4th so mi ago mek sure goh a liqua store an buy mi ticket.

Peasie: Woooiiii …CeaBreeze, mi long lost relative with the best kiyah weave yuh can fine pan di block.

CeaBee: Kirrout! Which part a yuh teifing self related to mi?! Yuh si how yuh quick fi a come beg fren as yuh hear sey mi ago drap inna money?!

Skelly: (hurrying through the door) Mi right behine yuh. Mi gaan buy mi ticket to. Mek mi mikase before di mega millions website pop dung. See you all and thanks ladies. Byeee!

ILP: Cho! Unu galang like unu a some Gladys! Mi woulden waan fi hit noh jackpot. Wah mi a di wid soh much money? **kiss teet**

Kia: Well, miself a lef out cause mi hear sey jackpot gaan up to $355 Mil. Time fi mi goh spend a dollar and go buy a ticket. If unu noh si mi again… since as ILP noh have a use fi di jackpot money, unu sen all a mi crusty foot client dem to har . Mi gaan!

Stormmey: Mi have my numba dem fi play to. Unu watch di news for Stormmey at 1462 Hampton Close, Gibson, BC cause is mi have di sole winning ticket of the 10millian dalla jackpot . Mi wi sen unu someting from mi halwaythree hide-away!

Gen: Unu can galang! None a unu naah win fawt. A di usual country people dem ago win. Unu bruck packit behine ago dey yah brite an early Monday marning. Mi a come goh a mi yaad to yaah. Mi a goh try ketch ‘Luther’ pan mi cable TV.

ILP: Soh how comes di whole a unu jus a lef mi inna di salon by miself?

Peasie: Cause yuh di only ediat inyah naah buy lottery ticket! Nat wan a di brazier dem sell tideh, soh mi gaan play mi numbas dem to. Lack up di shap an memba fi tun aff di light dem. Lickle more!

ILP: (Locking up the Salon) Women… why dem haffi gwany, gwany suh? Cho! Dem a some of di most eediat people mi eva deal wid. Always a mek di halliday draw out di wos inna dem to blouse an skirt! **kissteet**

**Stormmey** · 01-12-2011, 12:45 PM

Re: SUSS REPORT- Xpose Spa and Beauty Salon .

Wendiloo!! girl you got some mad skills.....good laugh

**CeaBee** · 01-12-2011, 01:05 PM

Re: SUSS REPORT- Xpose Spa and Beauty Salon .

starring ILP and PZely...u capture them true essence fi real

**MsExced** · 01-12-2011, 01:14 PM

Re: SUSS REPORT- Xpose Spa and Beauty Salon .

mi seh Wendy you have mi laffing so hard in the people them place

Wicked mi a tell you

**Nanook** · 01-12-2011, 01:16 PM

Re: SUSS REPORT- Xpose Spa and Beauty Salon .

That was funny as heck! Thanks for the laughs Wendy!!

**LusciousJohnson** · 01-12-2011, 01:21 PM

Re: NEW YEAR SUSS REPORT..

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: WeNdY</div><div class="ubbcode-body">What a gyal love a Suss

Ok I am posting now.

The Suss is set in a Spa and Salon. Enjoy </div></div>

Wendy that was too funny! HILARIOUS!

Talent! pure talent!

Awesome job as usual

**Wendy** · 01-12-2011, 01:39 PM

Re: SUSS REPORT- Xpose Spa and Beauty Salon .

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Stormmey1</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

Wendiloo!! girl you got some mad skills.....good laugh </div></div>

Well - mi tink yuh di expect fi si halfwaythree mek an appearance - noh true?

Mi still a laugh @ three-lawney to

**Wendy** · 01-12-2011, 01:40 PM

Re: SUSS REPORT- Xpose Spa and Beauty Salon .

Hush yuh hear Ms Exced .. mi neva mean fi do yuh soh bad

**Wendy** · 01-12-2011, 01:41 PM

Re: NEW YEAR SUSS REPORT..

Fancy - fi yuh part did well funny a shoob out Xavier outta di place and di cowprint comments Lawd unu gi mi some joke soh til

Pure madniss mi a tell yuh

**LusciousJohnson** · 01-12-2011, 01:42 PM

Re: SUSS REPORT- Xpose Spa and Beauty Salon .

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: WeNdY</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Stormmey1</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

Wendiloo!! girl you got some mad skills.....good laugh </div></div>

Well - mi tink yuh di expect fi si halfwaythree mek an appearance - noh true?

Mi still a laugh @ three-lawney to </div></div>

dat wan deh mek mi BOADWRCL

**LusciousJohnson** · 01-12-2011, 01:46 PM

Re: NEW YEAR SUSS REPORT..

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: WeNdY</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Fancy - fi yuh part did well funny a shoob out Xavier outta di place and di cowprint comments Lawd unu gi mi some joke soh til

Pure madniss mi a tell yuh </div></div>

di ppl dem look pon like mi lose mi mind or sittn wen mi laff bout dat wan deh.
mi sey lawd wa mek shi mek mi tun violent pon po Xman
that was maaaddd funny

**twiney** · 01-12-2011, 04:12 PM

Re: NEW YEAR SUSS REPORT..

same way u fi ketch dem Wendy.

NEW YEAR SUSS REPORT..

NEW YEAR SUSS REPORT..

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