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Strategy Guide: How to Play Games When You Should Be Doing Something Else:
written by Chickytown on Wednesday, March 03, 2004
Thwart the joykills who would keep your nose to the grindstone with this handy guide to gettin’ away with gaming. Please use responsibly. Side effects include: getting fired, breaking up with significant others, school suspensions, being grounded and more. If you’re not slick enough to get away with these tips, then just don’t try them. Don’t blame us if you can’t pull this stuff off—you’re probably not much of a gamer if you can’t. You’re better off not gaming in the first place. It’s just not in nature’s plan for you.
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Use your cubicle as cover: If your cubicle walls obstruct the view of your monitor or hands, you’re practically home-free. Put in a request for a new cubicle if yours is too public and open. Or just move your chair, tubby. Think! Out of sight, out of trouble. Duh.
In a classroom situation, you’ll need to sit in the mid-back of the room. Too far in the back is almost as bad as right up front! Sit behind someone who’s taller or wider or has bigger hair than you do.
At home, there ain’t much you can do, unless you have a room so repellent to the other person(s) that you can safely tuck yourself away without fear of being disturbed.
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<<<<<Know Your Opponent>>>>>
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Study your taskmaster’s movements, schedule and moods. They gotta eat, use the bathroom, sleep, watch tv, etc., at some time.
Office: Your boss goes for the traditional three-martini lunch at 12:00 sharp. That buys you at least one and a half hours of gaming. Probably more, when bossy comes back stinko.
Classroom: Teachers like to take time out during the day to read magazines, smoke, snack and/or just generally reminisce about those three months of summer vacation they took their jobs for in the first place. When their attention to the class flags, and it will, make your move.
Significant Other: Your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/whatever is bound to have some hobby, tv show or relative you’re not in to. Use that time when they’re distracted to sneak in some gaming. If they want to share “their” show, hobby or relative with you, use a variation of this response: “Honey, I know ___ is special to you, and I wouldn’t want to ruin that. I understand that you need things of your own, and I admire you so much for it. You’re so wonderful. I—I love you.” If need be, get misty-eyed. Try to look proud. If all else fails, develop a “stomach problem” and head for the crapper. If you use the right sound effects, they ain’t gonna disturb you.
*
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<<<>>>
<<<<<General Tips>>>>>
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PDAs and laptops are good for gaming in meetings. People are suspicious if you have your phone out during a meeting, and a Game Boy wouldn’t fly, but you could conceivably be taking notes on a PDA or laptop. This same tactic works, though less well, in a classroom situation.
Remember to keep the volume down, dimwit. What, are you trying to get caught? If you must blast the game sound, get headphones, but beware of being snuck up on.
If you’re one of those gamers who moves their whole body left when the character in the game needs to go left, just stop right now. You ain’t gonna get away with this stuff, and you’re just embarrassing the rest of us.
If you can stomach it, remember that suck-ups get all the breaks in life. Tell your boss how smart she is, tell your boyfriend how strong he is, tell your mother that you’ve never tasted a better roast in your life—and just keep piling it on, and you’ll never get in trouble for playing games when you’re not supposed to. In fact, you’ll never get in trouble again. Depressing as it is, that stuff works. People lose all ability to think or act rationally when they’re being buttered up constantly. You’ll be the teacher’s or your parent’s fave, your boss will probably promote you, and your S.O. will be all lovey-dovey. Sure, any normal person will want to projectile vomit from being such a brown-noser, and other people will probably hate you and all you stand for, but it’s the price you gotta pay to get what you want.
*
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<<>>
<<<>>>
<<<<<What to Do if Caught>>>>>
<<<>>>
<<>>
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*
You boss may be swayed by this article, which is from the BBC (British quality in every bite!), and basically reports that gaming at work is actually good for morale—and, more importantly, productivity.
Your teacher is just not going to be happy, but you can try to say that you were playing the game for a paper you’re writing. You’d be surprised how often the “I was doing research” angle will work. It helps to be playing something at least tenuously related to the class you’re in.
Your family/S.O./pet is just gonna have to deal. Who’s the boss ‘round where you are? Sheesh. What, you’re not allowed a little “me” time? Crying often softens an angry spouse or parent, but your dog won’t have any of that. Buy treats, apply liberally. In laboratory tests on humans, the phrase “Who wants ice cream?” followed by “My treat!” were found to be an excellent method of distraction. The CIA uses that one in the field.
*
<>
<<>>
<<<>>>
<<<<<In Summation>>>>>
<<<>>>
<<>>
<>
*
With a little stealth, a touch of smarts and a whole lotta booty-kissin’, you, too will be able to game when you should be productive. Good luck, and game on!
written by Chickytown on Wednesday, March 03, 2004
Thwart the joykills who would keep your nose to the grindstone with this handy guide to gettin’ away with gaming. Please use responsibly. Side effects include: getting fired, breaking up with significant others, school suspensions, being grounded and more. If you’re not slick enough to get away with these tips, then just don’t try them. Don’t blame us if you can’t pull this stuff off—you’re probably not much of a gamer if you can’t. You’re better off not gaming in the first place. It’s just not in nature’s plan for you.
*
<>
<<>>
<<<>>>
<<<<<Find Cover>>>>>
<<<>>>
<<>>
<>
*
Use your cubicle as cover: If your cubicle walls obstruct the view of your monitor or hands, you’re practically home-free. Put in a request for a new cubicle if yours is too public and open. Or just move your chair, tubby. Think! Out of sight, out of trouble. Duh.
In a classroom situation, you’ll need to sit in the mid-back of the room. Too far in the back is almost as bad as right up front! Sit behind someone who’s taller or wider or has bigger hair than you do.
At home, there ain’t much you can do, unless you have a room so repellent to the other person(s) that you can safely tuck yourself away without fear of being disturbed.
*
<>
<<>>
<<<>>>
<<<<<Know Your Opponent>>>>>
<<<>>>
<<>>
<>
*
Study your taskmaster’s movements, schedule and moods. They gotta eat, use the bathroom, sleep, watch tv, etc., at some time.
Office: Your boss goes for the traditional three-martini lunch at 12:00 sharp. That buys you at least one and a half hours of gaming. Probably more, when bossy comes back stinko.
Classroom: Teachers like to take time out during the day to read magazines, smoke, snack and/or just generally reminisce about those three months of summer vacation they took their jobs for in the first place. When their attention to the class flags, and it will, make your move.
Significant Other: Your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/whatever is bound to have some hobby, tv show or relative you’re not in to. Use that time when they’re distracted to sneak in some gaming. If they want to share “their” show, hobby or relative with you, use a variation of this response: “Honey, I know ___ is special to you, and I wouldn’t want to ruin that. I understand that you need things of your own, and I admire you so much for it. You’re so wonderful. I—I love you.” If need be, get misty-eyed. Try to look proud. If all else fails, develop a “stomach problem” and head for the crapper. If you use the right sound effects, they ain’t gonna disturb you.
*
<>
<<>>
<<<>>>
<<<<<General Tips>>>>>
<<<>>>
<<>>
<>
*
PDAs and laptops are good for gaming in meetings. People are suspicious if you have your phone out during a meeting, and a Game Boy wouldn’t fly, but you could conceivably be taking notes on a PDA or laptop. This same tactic works, though less well, in a classroom situation.
Remember to keep the volume down, dimwit. What, are you trying to get caught? If you must blast the game sound, get headphones, but beware of being snuck up on.
If you’re one of those gamers who moves their whole body left when the character in the game needs to go left, just stop right now. You ain’t gonna get away with this stuff, and you’re just embarrassing the rest of us.
If you can stomach it, remember that suck-ups get all the breaks in life. Tell your boss how smart she is, tell your boyfriend how strong he is, tell your mother that you’ve never tasted a better roast in your life—and just keep piling it on, and you’ll never get in trouble for playing games when you’re not supposed to. In fact, you’ll never get in trouble again. Depressing as it is, that stuff works. People lose all ability to think or act rationally when they’re being buttered up constantly. You’ll be the teacher’s or your parent’s fave, your boss will probably promote you, and your S.O. will be all lovey-dovey. Sure, any normal person will want to projectile vomit from being such a brown-noser, and other people will probably hate you and all you stand for, but it’s the price you gotta pay to get what you want.
*
<>
<<>>
<<<>>>
<<<<<What to Do if Caught>>>>>
<<<>>>
<<>>
<>
*
You boss may be swayed by this article, which is from the BBC (British quality in every bite!), and basically reports that gaming at work is actually good for morale—and, more importantly, productivity.
Your teacher is just not going to be happy, but you can try to say that you were playing the game for a paper you’re writing. You’d be surprised how often the “I was doing research” angle will work. It helps to be playing something at least tenuously related to the class you’re in.
Your family/S.O./pet is just gonna have to deal. Who’s the boss ‘round where you are? Sheesh. What, you’re not allowed a little “me” time? Crying often softens an angry spouse or parent, but your dog won’t have any of that. Buy treats, apply liberally. In laboratory tests on humans, the phrase “Who wants ice cream?” followed by “My treat!” were found to be an excellent method of distraction. The CIA uses that one in the field.
*
<>
<<>>
<<<>>>
<<<<<In Summation>>>>>
<<<>>>
<<>>
<>
*
With a little stealth, a touch of smarts and a whole lotta booty-kissin’, you, too will be able to game when you should be productive. Good luck, and game on!
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