Deciding to Have Kids

[phoenix]

Re: Deciding to Have Kids

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: norighted_ILP</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Folks when it was time to have kids did...

1. Your SO ask you to have them (as in a discussion) and then you decided it was time?

2. Get pregnant (ladies) and then decide it was time?

If your answer is #1 how many discussions (and what kinds of things did you discuss) did you and SO have before you got preggers?

<span style="font-style: italic">ETA: Cause I figured men could have been the ones who initiated the expansion of the family instead of vise versa.....</span>

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Am late. I am thinking about it. I think you just have to do it, because otherwise you can find reasons forever not to have kids. Of course, the hormones are strong, so reason mgith not come into it. I think I would have to get very drunk for a very long time....

[kia027]

Re: Deciding to Have Kids

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: norighted_ILP</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Folks when it was time to have kids did...

1. Your SO ask you to have them (as in a discussion) and then you decided it was time? <span style="color: #FF0000">discussed this while we were dating to get the rules clear</span>

2. Get pregnant (ladies) and then decide it was time? d<span style="color: #FF0000">ont like newborns so we were very open to adoption</span>

If your answer is #1 how many discussions (and what kinds of things did you discuss) did you and SO have before you got preggers? <span style="color: #FF0000">the kids kind of came to us as opposed to us really 'looking'</span>

<span style="font-style: italic">ETA: Cause I figured men could have been the ones who initiated the expansion of the family instead of vise versa.....</span>

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[Boopie2]

Re: Deciding to Have Kids

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Empress_Nylah</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: MGee</div><div class="ubbcode-body">kids are expensive if you want to give them expensive things. but they actually don't NEED it. a lot of childrearing these days though is making sure your children don't do without what other kids have (the gadgets, designer things) so yes, it can be expensive. other than that, basic food, clothing and shelter can be achieved with little additional cost, especially if you're in a country with free schooling. kids can find jobs when they get older for things they want.

<span style="font-weight: bold">IMO, economics is not a strong argument for not having kids.</span>

single parenthood is more of a challenge, but ILP there's a built in assumption that your relationship won't last. maybe you should dig deeper into that fear. however, single parenthood can be made vastly easier by being on good terms with an ex.

i'm along the lines of boopie - are you willing to end your relationship with the current mi. ilp over the issue of having children?


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couldnt have said it better. </div></div>

IMO, economics is not a strong argument for not having kids


Economics should be in a lot of people's minds, nobody's jobs are secure. It's not going to get better who knows what we will meet when it's all over.

[ILP]

Re: Deciding to Have Kids

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: MGee</div><div class="ubbcode-body">single parenthood is more of a challenge, but ILP there's a built in assumption that your relationship won't last. maybe you should dig deeper into that fear. however, single parenthood can be made vastly easier by being on good terms with an ex.

i'm along the lines of boopie - are you willing to end your relationship with the current mi. ilp over the issue of having children?
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i agree with you all on the lines of the economics of kids. i know (in my head) that they are as expensive as you make them. but in my heart, i would want them to have &quot;all the things/opportunities that i never had&quot;. no parent is wrong in wanting those things for their kids.

as for my mortal fear of doing the child rearing alone. it is <span style="text-decoration: underline"><span style="font-weight: bold">all</span></span> the variables of single parenthood that could happen (and that I have no control over) that leaves me shaking, sometimes to the core. it aint di current mr ilp's issue...it is mine and mine alone. some of it is rational and a lot of it is irrational (i know).

1. him deciding that our relationship should end for whatever reason and then the kids has to go between two homes.
2. we both decide that our relationship should end and then he doesnt want to be involved.
3. scenario #2 and he wants to be involved and so much so that he doesnt want me involved. &lt;---- this scenario happens alot in ILP's extended family.
4. him dying and then i am single
5. me dying and then...well...i wont be around, so i guess it doesnt matter
6. we both have the kid, we stay together, but he really isnt involved in the day to day of the child rearing. in essence i am still a single parent. &lt;----- because of where i teach...i see this one <span style="font-weight: bold"><span style="text-decoration: underline">a lot</span></span> and it aint pretty.

di current mr ilp ahn i are in the &quot;talking&quot; stages of this thing, but i can tell that we are headed to a place where both of us is going to have to make a firm decision of &quot;YES&quot; or &quot;No&quot;. I guess I am just trying to prepare myself for whatever is the picture is when the dust settles.

[Boopie2]

Re: Deciding to Have Kids

I agree with you ILP, my mother and father were seperated when I was young. She taught me early on that I could only depend on myself.

Like my boss, she has a little boy who has just turned 2. She would often complain to me that she's sick and tired of her being alone with the baby. Her husband is a lawyer and gets home at 8:30 or 9:00pm every night. She's damn lucky because I have him from 7:00am until 4:00pm. You mean to tell me she can't handle 3 or 4 hours alone with her child until hubby gets home?

Everytime she comes whining to me about her husband this and that I tell her, well he could be home sitting on the couch drinking flicking the channels jobless. His boss has already told him he needs to put in more time, so what is he to do?

Now, if that's not bad enough she's having twin girls. She's now complaining that the 2 year old is a handful and she can't keep up with him she needs help in the evenings after I'm gone. He told her she was being a baby about the whole thing. She could see how things are playing out so why not just quit with one, but now 3?

[Serenity82]

Re: Deciding to Have Kids

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">economics is not a strong argument for not having kids.
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hmm

[CeaBee]

Re: Deciding to Have Kids

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Serenity82</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">economics is not a strong argument for not having kids.
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hmm </div></div>

what u thinking serenity?

i think that MG thinking of &quot;extras&quot;..not basic things like food, formula, diapers, daycare (daycare can run anywhere from $600- over $1,000 per month for an infant)

[Serenity82]

Re: Deciding to Have Kids

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: coolbeans</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Serenity82</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">economics is not a strong argument for not having kids.
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hmm </div></div>

what u thinking serenity?

i think that MG thinking of &quot;extras&quot;..not basic things like food, formula, diapers, daycare (daycare can run anywhere from $600- over $1,000 per month for an infant) </div></div>

Whoaa. Thanks for chiming in. I want a child but am fearful of the costs and know that I cannot afford it right now.

[julie*mango]

Re: Deciding to Have Kids

If lots of people decided to wait until they could afford a child most people never would become parents...the thing about parenting is that you always find a way to make things possible when it comes to your children...you learn to do without other things so your child get what it needs.

Although this may be the best thing to do is to wait until you can afford it.

[Serenity82]

Re: Deciding to Have Kids

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Skelly_n_Belly</div><div class="ubbcode-body">If lots of people decided to wait until they could afford a child most people never would become parents...the thing about parenting is that you always find a way to make things possible when it comes to your children...you learn to do without other things so your child get what it needs.

Although this may be the best thing to do is to wait until you can afford it. </div></div>
I figure you are right. Most people, if they were to wait until they felt financially ready, would not be having kids. I'm thinking for myself though:

1_A support System(family, friends, community)
2_more in terms of savings
3_ownership of either a house or a car

I would like to have one now(as in now ) but realize I need those things first. Most important I Believe is the support system in place because I know help is needed.

[Nylah]

Re: Deciding to Have Kids

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: coolbeans</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Serenity82</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">economics is not a strong argument for not having kids.
</div></div>

hmm </div></div>

what u thinking serenity?

i think that MG thinking of &quot;extras&quot;..not basic things like food, formula, diapers, daycare (daycare can run anywhere from $600- over $1,000 per month for an infant) </div></div>


exactly how i took it and still believe economics cant be the overriding factor. My best friend has 3 kids that given the standards set here in this thread, she shouldnt have had any of them because of how low her husband's income is. But her kids are the most well-rounded well-adjusted kids I have ever seen. She choose to stay at home even when money was very tight but because her focus was in raising good kids, it has worked out to be more than fine. They may not have had the lastest pair of baby phat jeans, or the latest X-box game but they are still smart, well-educated, well-mannered and very creative children who put the &quot;have-it-all&quot; kids to shame.

This may be unpopular to say but you get out what of your kids what you put into them.

I understand what you are saying about maybe being a single parent in some way shape or form in the future though ILP. The hard work of being a single parent doesnt faze me per se, it is the effect of a missing father or possibly mother would have on a child that would give me pause. That is hard to compensate for I think.

I guess what I'd like to ask is with the current MrILP, do u feel or sense that he would be the type of man that would change his mind or walk away from any kids that you and him might have if you were to ever break up? I know death, etc. are uncontrollable factors but I am hoping you would have a good sense of what type of man he would be after the fact that should put your mind at ease on at least that level.

My parents separated when I was young but you wouldnt have known it looking from the outside in. My dad still took us to school and to ballet and hockey practices respectively each week. He had dinner with us most times than not. He took us on vacation ever year. And any time my mom moved, he would move close to where we were so that my brother and I were always within walking distance of his house. That was most important to him, that he was always close enoungh for us to walk to his house if there ever was an emergency.

So because of the man he was, and who my mom was/is too, I never grew up feeling like I was missing a thing because my parents were involved in our lives more so than my friends who had both parents living under the same roof.

So, I guess it would depend on how you feel or know about what the current MrILP would do if your relationship ever soured.

[Serenity82]

Re: Deciding to Have Kids

Also, how is the baby doing? Are you enjoying motherhood?

[kia027]

Re: Deciding to Have Kids


I am sure that doesnt mean becoming parents when you cant afford to take of yourself. I think while the extras are nice, the basic is that you can take care of yourself and you are in a stable relationship before you think about kids. A child needs two parents there for them. And when the child comes it is no longer about you for the most part but about them.

[Boopie2]

Re: Deciding to Have Kids

This may be unpopular to say but you get out what of your kids what you put into them.


It's like gambling, you just don't know what you will end up with. You can&quot;t guarantee just how a child will end up even if they have so called best life. On the other hand children that have come out of bad situations end up defying all odds.

[Boopie2]

Re: Deciding to Have Kids

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Kia</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
I am sure that doesnt mean becoming parents when you cant afford to take of yourself. I think while the extras are nice, the basic is that you can take care of yourself and you are in a stable relationship before you think about kids. A child needs two parents there for them. And when the child comes it is no longer about you for the most part but about them. </div></div>



a stable relationship, You can't depend on that either.