Tactful People Rope In

**Yvonne N.** · 11-23-2009, 02:40 PM

Re: Tactful People Rope In

Just tell her <span style="font-style: italic">thanks</span>...and appreciate her kindness.

Heard of a teacher who smacked a student because the <span style="font-style: italic">student love har too much</span>...

Why would you be so uncomfortable with someone showing you so much kindness? Relax and enjoy!

**Fyah** · 11-23-2009, 02:54 PM

Re: Tactful People Rope In

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Twiney</div><div class="ubbcode-body">If you are giving to someone that is not in need all the time so then you have a problem and you need help ... As I said before she need fi find a charity fi give to and it will make everybody happy. </div></div>

Perhaps the gift or her reason for giving is not being done on the basis of need? Could she just be a kind person, period?

I know many people, mostly my mom's friends (era) who gives and gives and gives to the point of confusion to the "now" generation. Thankfully they are not from this generation of "therapy hunters".

Unfortunately to some, this act of kindness has been passed on to their children and grandchildren.

**Gen** · 11-23-2009, 03:01 PM

Re: Tactful People Rope In

apparently ILP have a rough idea of what the lady makes.

now based on that there is no wayy she could be able to afford to be buying all these things for anyone.

so yes mi couldn't see myself going to sleep at night accepting "things" from this lady, regardless of whether is designer perfume or home made cookies. I would be knowingly contributing to her "impending bankruptcy filing" (just looking ahead here)...especially since we supposed to be in a recession

there is giving and then there is GIVING.

if she feels the need to give, why not give her TIME to charitable organizations, where at least you feel like you making a difference ??

<span style="font-style: italic">not saying she doesn't already volunteer time and not saying she shouldn't give any material gifts.</span>

**Peasie** · 11-23-2009, 03:24 PM

Re: Tactful People Rope In

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: SoulPurpose</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Perhaps the gift or her reason for giving is not being done on the basis of need? Could she just be a kind person, period?</div></div>

Yes, but what I think ILP was feeling uncomfortable about this friend's "over gifting." Maybe this giver needs to redirect her excessive "kindness" say to a charity as Twiney suggests?

**Fyah** · 11-23-2009, 03:38 PM

Re: Tactful People Rope In

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Peasie</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: SoulPurpose</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Perhaps the gift or her reason for giving is not being done on the basis of need? Could she just be a kind person, period?</div></div>

Yes, but what I think ILP was feeling uncomfortable about this friend's "over gifting." Maybe this giver needs to redirect her excessive "kindness" say to a charity as Twiney suggests? </div></div>

I see your point, as well as others who've made similar comments.

I still maintain however that over-gifting is subjective. What she gives to others could be above and beyond what she shares with ILP.

Since it is difficult to measure other people's kindness, motives and other factors when the act of giving is being considered, the solution for me would not be to calculate whether they can afford to be kind or to re-direct their kindness, but instead, to just say no, when it is directed at me.

If I have grown uncomfortable with someone's kindness (clearly I must have been ok with it at one point for them to continue to give) it is my responsibility to say NO and provide an explanation (that is honest, sincere and non-judgemental).

**Peasie** · 11-23-2009, 03:59 PM

Re: Tactful People Rope In

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: SoulPurpose</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I see your point, as well as others who've made similar comments.

If I have grown uncomfortable with someone's kindness (clearly I must have been ok with it at one point for them to continue to give) it is my responsibility to say NO and provide an explanation (that is honest, sincere and non-judgemental). </div></div>

I agree

**ILP** · 11-23-2009, 04:13 PM

Re: Tactful People Rope In

i hear everyones comments...

1. let me repeat that she is really an nice person.
2. i have always felt uncomfortable with the excessiveness of her gifting and have shared as much with her. At first, I would say things like, "Thank you. You shouldnt have." or "This is'nt necessary, no thank you." etc. To outright saying. "___, I can not accept your gift." The last time I did this, she cried for days saying that I hurt her feelings. Yesterday, when she came to my home, I told her that she should not have gone through the trouble of baking and then baking the volume of things that she did. (I mean, jeezas, is 3 small pickney mi breddah have). I went on to tell her that it was too much, how we talked about the gift giving, etc and then she ended the conversation with, "Fine, throw them in the trash then." I could see her eyes start to tear up."

Again, I think that she gifts like this to make up for some shortcoming that she feels she has. I know that she gifts other people the same way. Some of the people she gifts to I know for a fact use her for the gifts. I AM NOT THAT WAY. <span style="font-weight: bold">I need her to understand that her friendship is all that I need. I do not need her gifts. </span><span style="font-weight: bold">She is more that enough</span>.

I can understand, like I said, a birthday celebration or a promotion, or even a lunch. But this is really rediculous. And then I feel like it is easier to just take what she has to give rather than argue or listen to her talk about how her feelings are hurt because her gift/kindness wasn't accepted.

I had my brother's kids call her this morning to thank her for the baked goods. My brother (who is less tactful) reported back that she offered to take the kids ziplining over the holiday, so that they had something to do. Guess who offered to pick up the tab He told her outright...NO!

**Fyah** · 11-23-2009, 04:34 PM

Re: Tactful People Rope In

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ILP_N_Belly</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
The last time I did this, she cried for days saying that I hurt her feelings. Yesterday, when she came to my home, I told her that she should not have gone through the trouble of baking and then baking the volume of things that she did. (I mean, jeezas, is 3 small pickney mi breddah have). I went on to tell her that it was too much, how we talked about the gift giving, etc and then she ended the conversation with, "Fine, throw them in the trash then." I could see her eyes start to tear up." </div></div>

No way. All that just from saying no to her gifts? Now that you've said that, she sure doesn't appear to be on the right side of stability.

Yikes!! Does she display any other manic-depressive psychotic behaviors? I would seriously cut her off before she goes over the edge.

Since telling her NO at the time of the exchange seem to make her go psycho, I suppose the best way to handle her is to send her a "Thank You" card now, for all her previous gifts and letting her know that under no uncertain terms will you be able to accept any more of her gifts going forward.

If she asks for an explanation, tell her that you do not owe her one, and all she needs to know is that you will always appreciate her as a friend, sans gifts.

Good luck!

**mountaingal** · 11-23-2009, 04:36 PM

Re: Tactful People Rope In

tell ar u will like her as much if not more as a friend if she stop burden u wid all dem gift. den mek sure u tell her what about her u like a friend.

**Nunya** · 11-23-2009, 10:10 PM

Re: Tactful People Rope In

I would tell her that I don't need anything, but there are people who do. Tell her that every time she feels the urge to give or make you something, she should give something to a foster child. They will always need it more than you ever could...

And tell her that if she did that, she would be giving *you* the best gift ever.

**twiney** · 11-23-2009, 10:16 PM

Re: Tactful People Rope In

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Nunya</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I would tell her that I don't need anything, but there are people who do. Tell her that every time she feels the urge to give or make you something, she should give something to a foster child. They will always need it more than you ever could...

And tell her that if she did that, she would be giving *you* the best gift ever. </div></div>

that is what mi was trying to say

**britisha** · 11-23-2009, 10:56 PM

Re: Tactful People Rope In

Clearly, something is wrong with the over-zealous gift giver...not normal.

**DearK** · 11-24-2009, 06:14 PM

Re: Tactful People Rope In

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Nunya</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I would tell her that I don't need anything, but there are people who do. Tell her that every time she feels the urge to give or make you something, she should give something to a foster child. They will always need it more than you ever could...

And tell her that if she did that, she would be giving *you* the best gift ever. </div></div>

Great idea!

I think its very thoughtful of her to bring a spread for your nephews- that was a sweet gesture, but if you say it went overboard, then... ILP do you give her things too?

**Yvonne N.** · 11-26-2009, 08:17 PM

Re: Tactful People Rope In

In thinking about this situation the other day, I do believe that your kind friend has been 'commissioned' to look out for you in direct proportion to the care you have given Babygirl A.

You have given a lot to Babygirl A and it's your turn now to get some more nurturing back...not necessarily from her but as it has worked out, from someone right around the corner...

**evanovitch** · 11-26-2009, 08:21 PM

Re: Tactful People Rope In

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Mrs_Ahmidis</div><div class="ubbcode-body">In thinking about this situation the other day, I do believe that your kind friend has been 'commissioned' to look out for you in direct proportion to the care you have given Babygirl A.

You have given a lot to Babygirl A and it's your turn now to get some more nurturing back...not necessarily from her but as it has worked out, from someone right around the corner...

</div></div>

seet...deh...karma..wat u give out , come bak rung to u...

Tactful People Rope In

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

ads