Lie or Omission

[Yvonne N.]

Re: Lie or Omission

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: seemiyah</div><div class="ubbcode-body">But its not just that he had this child and never told her, he also abandon the child even after he found out it was his, what kind of person is that? Is not that he was secretly caring for his child and didn't know how to tell her, he denied her existence, he should be <span style="font-weight: bold">seeking forgiveness from the child and her mother</span> not Stormmey.... </div></div>


Dat tuh...

[tickytocky2]

Re: Lie or Omission

Storm-I know you must feel terrible right now but you had your whole future planned out.Do not throw it away over something that happened over 6 years ago before the 2 of you ven met.I know it has been a hurtful shock.But he never lied he just never told.
Only he knows why he chose not to see the child and pay for it as lots of young men do.And that is his decision.Do not assume he would never tell you,He may have said one day that some crazy girl at college said she was pregnant to him blah blah blah.I have no idea how you ended up going to see the child?And what you said to the mother to get her to agree to that meeting!If he didn't want contact I do not know why you did want to see the child and then leave money.That was not your duty or place.
even though it was thoughtful.
And just because he let one child down does not mean he would do the same to the two of yours children.

[tickytocky2]

Re: Lie or Omission

think very carefully before you throw your plans and dreams away.This child was there all along you just never knew at least you know now even though it will hurt for a while.
You said he stays in hes good with you-he cooks he cleans he wants to marry you and have children,think carefully before you throw all that away for some young college fling back in the day.
If you did have him back you need to know the full story from start to finish.And you need to makesure that this relationship between him and the babies mother has not been going on all this time and now she is suing for money because she is jealous and heard of your upcoming wedding.You need to find things out.
I do think you should not be too hasty and think of what you have together before you throw it all away.

[Nylah]

Re: Lie or Omission


<span style="font-weight: bold">When ppl show you who they are - believe them.</span>

if the request for support payments never stumbled in front of u when or if would he have told you?

deliberately concealing something of that magnitude is lying.

He didnt want you to know for some reason that is only in his head. Regardless of his relationship with the mother, real men dont breed and then <span style="font-weight: bold">deny </span>a child. The child ask for none of this.

I get the impression if he could have gotten away with you not knowing he would have continued.....and he wanted to be married??

I dont know if this is enough to kick him to the curb but you have to weigh carefully what this says about his CHARACTER. You have to use your good sense and combine this incident with how you have seen him handle other issues in his and your life, and decide if this is someone you can rely on. I am guessing by your reaction that maybe the answer is no...

I could forgive him for not telling me about a child but I'd have a hard time forgiving him for continuung to lie and come up with excuses for his behaviour. If he manned up to it right from the get go I would be [censored] but think I could at least work it thru with him.

But that is how I am hardwired and what I hold as a priority in a relationship.

Like I said, you in your heart of hearts already know the answer because he has shown you who he is.

[julie*mango]

Re: Lie or Omission

Stawmee

So sorry u had to experience this but as others say it is better you found out now instead of after the wedding...I too had something similar happen to me..I found out the guy I had been dating off and on for a couple years was divorced with 3 kids for whom was paying child support...he had never mentioned anything about them ever..yet I know all about his family and his brother who married a japanese woman who is now an outcast in her family because of the shame she brought on them ....

[nattydreadgirl]

Re: Lie or Omission

(((Stormmey))) I think you are doing the right thing in taking some time away from SO and the relationship to gain some clarity.

What you are dealing with is something that happen before your relationship with him. Put that into perspective.

Truly, most people have done things in the past that they regret and would not open up to new relationships about, especially men.

Is this a deal breaker in a relationship for you? Do you see this as a issue of trust? If so is it possible that you can trust him again? There are a lot of questions that you need to ask yourself and be honet with the answers.

Again, you are doing the right thing by stepping away from the situation for now!

[twiney]

Re: Lie or Omission

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: tickytocky2</div><div class="ubbcode-body">think very carefully before you throw your plans and dreams away.This child was there all along you just never knew at least you know now even though it will hurt for a while.
You said he stays in hes good with you-he cooks he cleans he wants to marry you and have children,think carefully before you throw all that away for some young college fling back in the day.
If you did have him back you need to know the full story from start to finish.And you need to makesure that this relationship between him and the babies mother has not been going on all this time and now she is suing for money because she is jealous and heard of your upcoming wedding.You need to find things out.
I do think you should not be too hasty and think of what you have together before you throw it all away. </div></div>

Mi sorry a relationship with someone 6 years ago and refusing to acknowledging and taking care of your child even when paternity is proven and the SO finds out be when u get a summmons or child support and even then u keep denying is not the same thing... I know I would question everything he has ever told me and will ever tell me.

ETA what would be on my mind every day would be if this marriage fails and their are children would I be in the same position as this woman.

[Boopie2]

Re: Lie or Omission

ETA what would be on my mind every day would be if this marriage fails and their are children would I be in the same position as this woman.

I agree, I have friends who knew exactly how these men didn't support their other children that were already here. Yet and still these women went ahead and married as well as had children.

My girlfriend is in the same situation now, he didn't take care of the 2 kids before she was married. She has 2 boys, finally they are both in school a couple of months ago she started crying saying she's pregnant again. He has another baby by a white woman, during their marriage.

So now he has 6 kids, he doesn't spend time or money on any of them. She could have avoided all that mess.

I wouldn't be going to any counselor either, Stormney didn't do anything wrong.

[FrenchTickla]

Re: Lie or Omission

i know there is some stigma in our community about going to therapy - dunno if is the reason boopie give below. but as smaddy who have mi therapist pon retainer and speed dial going to one doesn't mean u did something wrong.

a good reason fi go is when smaddy else do u wrong and u nuh know u a$$ from u elbow and u just need help dealing and sorting thru the emotions.

anyway, hope u feeling lifted todeh stormmey. i wuda send some oxtail crass di border fi u ...

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Boopie2</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><span style="font-weight: bold">I wouldn't be going to any counselor either, Stormney didn't do anything wrong. </span> </div></div>

[Stormmey]

Re: Lie or Omission

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Nylah</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
<span style="font-weight: bold">When ppl show you who they are - believe them.</span>

if the request for support payments never stumbled in front of u <span style="font-weight: bold">when or if would he have told you?</span>

deliberately concealing something of that magnitude is lying.

He didnt want you to know for some reason that is only in his head. Regardless of his relationship with the mother, real men dont breed and then <span style="font-weight: bold">deny </span>a child. The child ask for none of this.

<span style="font-weight: bold">I get the impression if he could have gotten away with you not knowing he would have continued.....and he wanted to be married??</span>

I dont know if this is enough to kick him to the curb but you have to weigh carefully what this says about his <span style="font-weight: bold">CHARACTER. </span>You have to use your good sense and combine this incident with how you have seen him handle other issues in his and your life, and decide if this is someone you can rely on. I am guessing by your reaction that maybe the answer is no...

<span style="font-weight: bold">I could forgive him for not telling me about a child but I'd have a hard time forgiving him for continuung to lie and come up with excuses for his behaviour. If he manned up to it right from the get go I would be [censored] but think I could at least work it thru with him</span>.

But that is how I am hardwired and what I hold as a priority in a relationship.

Like I said, you in your heart of hearts already know the answer because he has shown you who he is.

</div></div>

Nylah, you said it all in a nutshell and yes he was the one that was pushing marriage. The above bolded are my thoughts exactly.

[Stormmey]

Re: Lie or Omission

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Gen</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> stormy take some time to yourself

</div></div>



Gen I am planning a little trip with my Mom.

[Stormmey]

Re: Lie or Omission

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: FrenchTickla</div><div class="ubbcode-body">i know there is some stigma in our community about going to therapy - dunno if is the reason boopie give below. but as smaddy who have mi therapist pon retainer and speed dial going to one doesn't mean u did something wrong.

a good reason fi go is when smaddy else do u wrong and u nuh know u a$$ from u elbow and u just need help dealing and sorting thru the emotions.

anyway, hope u feeling lifted todeh stormmey. i wuda send some oxtail crass di border fi u ...

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Boopie2</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><span style="font-weight: bold">I wouldn't be going to any counselor either, Stormney didn't do anything wrong. </span> </div></div> </div></div>

Frenchie

No stigma attached in my community, I though about going to a counselor but my Mom is the best counselor in the world I have appointment to see one though. Some advice she had given me and just talking to her has helped me so much.

I do know I need to get rid of this anger it is not healthy. Frenchi please to forward the oxtail

[Stormmey]

Re: Lie or Omission

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Twiney</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: tickytocky2</div><div class="ubbcode-body">think very carefully before you throw your plans and dreams away.This child was there all along you just never knew at least you know now even though it will hurt for a while.
You said he stays in hes good with you-he cooks he cleans he wants to marry you and have children,think carefully before you throw all that away for some young college fling back in the day.
If you did have him back you need to know the full story from start to finish.And you need to makesure that this relationship between him and the babies mother has not been going on all this time and now she is suing for money because she is jealous and heard of your upcoming wedding.You need to find things out.
I do think you should not be too hasty and think of what you have together before you throw it all away. </div></div>

Mi sorry a relationship with someone 6 years ago and refusing to acknowledging and taking care of your child even when paternity is proven and the SO finds out be when u get a summmons or child support and even then u keep denying is not the same thing... I know I would question everything he has ever told me and will ever tell me.

ETA what would be on my mind every day would be if this marriage fails and their are children would I be in the same position as this woman. </div></div>

Twiney please to pay no attention to tocky har tick bruk

[Stormmey]

Re: Lie or Omission

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: _____</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Stawmee

So sorry u had to experience this but as others say it is better you found out now instead of after the wedding...I too had something similar happen to me..I found out the guy I had been dating off and on for a couple years was divorced with 3 kids for whom was paying child support...he had never mentioned anything about them ever..yet I know all about his family and his brother who married a japanese woman who is now an outcast in her family because of the shame she brought on them .... </div></div>

Skelly
please to comsume some oxtail for me

[Boopie2]

Re: Lie or Omission

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: FrenchTickla</div><div class="ubbcode-body">i know there is some stigma in our community about going to therapy - dunno if is the reason boopie give below. but as smaddy who have mi therapist pon retainer and speed dial going to one doesn't mean u did something wrong.

a good reason fi go is when smaddy else do u wrong and u nuh know u a$$ from u elbow and u just need help dealing and sorting thru the emotions.

anyway, hope u feeling lifted todeh stormmey. i wuda send some oxtail crass di border fi u ...

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Boopie2</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><span style="font-weight: bold">I wouldn't be going to any counselor either, Stormney didn't do anything wrong. </span> </div></div> </div></div>


I worded my post wrong.lol There is nothing wrong with going to a therapist if you really think you need one. Sounds like Stormney has her act together.