How much time together/apart?

[DearK]

Do you go through periods when you and your Significant Other are not spending muc time together and is this ok?

Brad and Jen have been married for 2 years and Jen is approaching a milestone birthday. So she's made a bucket list and trying to cross things off the list. What I've noticed though is that she's doing them by herself. When we talked about it she said that the only thing Brad wants to do is go out to eat. She loves dining out, but she also has other interests and she's not going to let him hold her back.

How do you balance personal growth vs 'oneness' with your SO?

[MarieK]

Re: How much time together/apart?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">the only thing Brad wants to do is go out to eat.</div></div>

[Nunya]

Re: How much time together/apart?

I am open about my need/desire to do the things I want to do. Sometimes he's invited along, other times he's not. He knows its not a slight against him, me wanting to do things by myself. He's ok with that.

[ILP]

Re: How much time together/apart?

I find it peculiar that she said dude &quot;was holding her back&quot; is it that she feels that she cant participate in things (or that she doesn't feel comfortable) unless he participates as well? does he try to discourage her from doing these things on her list by putting her down or sabotaging her?

i think all couples should have common interests, outside of the home. it should be one (or more) of the items that brought the couple together. i think that the couple should also have mutual discovered interests. that is something that they are both learning/seeing/doing for the first time together.

for me. i have never been shy about expressing my wants/needs for time to do stuff, together and alone. in my household we both lead very busy lives and sometimes, it is our shared (outside of the home) activities that we can spend some quality time together. i also know that fulfilling interests that have nothing to do with each other, makes us more interesting (IMO), so i think it is also important that we work on those, too. how i show that i am supportive of those interests that do not include me is to listen (attentively) when he shares his experiences, if my attendance is required at an event or something, i will go. or if the activity requires travel, i help him pack, tell him to have fun, and make sure to answer the phone when he &quot;calls to check in&quot;, etc. sometimes, i pay for something (as a surprise), etc.

as far as the amount of time...it just depends on what we need at the specific time.

again, smaddy nu need fi hitchup unda me all di while to show me dem love me.

[Bizzy]

Re: How much time together/apart?

BOADWL..mi read de sitten a go fi say...look from when brad an jen nuh deh and him an Angelina deh more dan 2 years i swear, mi need fi stop read US Weekly

[Wendy]

Re: How much time together/apart?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> So she's made a bucket list and trying to cross things off the list. What I've noticed though is that she's doing them by herself. When we talked about it she said that the only thing Brad wants to do is go out to eat. She loves dining out, but she also has other interests and she's not going to let him hold her back</div></div>

DearK .. lawd couple weekends ago mi buck up pan wan a mi girlfren ina di Pharmacy an wi a ketch up and wan a di tings shi tell mi dat saddened mi (aldowe mi neva 2 surprise) is dat shi a get a divorce afta 9 yrs with her husband.

Widout even ask why mi had an idea.. as long as mi know har and dat a since 1998 she always a do tings by herself widout her husband wi will call Larry. When shi all a go fi dinna a mi she call fi goh wid har sometime.. fus ting mi ask har is if Larry coming and shi sey no..im dey a work or im out playing soccer. Mi did ask har bout di fact dat dem seem to do everyting apart. Shi like dining out, quick get aways, site seing and all he wanted to do was play soccer, work and hang out with his son (ALONE).

Shi accepted dat in the beginning at first..thinking what the heck.. as long as mi a do my thing what's the harm. Eventaully it took a toll on the marrige cause them neva have the &quot;balance&quot; as you said.

Mi agree yuh need your &quot;me&quot; time but you have to strike that balance as a couple to stay connected. Her words to me was &quot;Why be marrid to him if I dont have a companion&quot; . She was obviously self reflective andt she accepted that living her separate life all these years left her empty

[DearK]

Re: How much time together/apart?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Queen_of_d_A</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">the only thing Brad wants to do is go out to eat.</div></div>

</div></div>-
What are you thinking? They're foodies, except now she's being more weight conscious and less likely to want to just sit and eat.

[DearK]

Re: How much time together/apart?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Nunya</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I am open about my need/desire to do the things I want to do. Sometimes he's invited along, other times he's not. He knows its not a slight against him, me wanting to do things by myself. He's ok with that. </div></div>

This sounds reasonable. At the times when you want to do thinhgs you want to do- do you end up not seeing much of each other? Do you share thoughts/stories about your activity, or is it only for you? Does he even ask and do you care or prefer that he doesnt

[DearK]

Re: How much time together/apart?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ILP_N_Belly</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I find it peculiar that she said dude &quot;was holding her back&quot; is it that she feels that she cant participate in things (or that she doesn't feel comfortable) unless he participates as well? does he try to discourage her from doing these things on her list by putting her down or sabotaging her? <span style="color: #000099"><span style="font-weight: bold">They were the couple that always did things together. They'd be on weeked jaunts out of town all the time when they first got married. So what seems like a one eighty from that surprised and concerned me. I dont think he dissuades her from doing it, but I sense she's not as joyful doing these things on her own. And really isnt that the point of having a partner- experimenting with new things/adventures? m</span></span>

i think all couples should have common interests, outside of the home. it should be one (or more) of the items that brought the couple together. i think that the couple should also have mutual discovered interests. that is something that they are both learning/seeing/doing for the first time together. <span style="font-weight: bold"> <span style="color: #000099"> I like the way you put this, I think along the same line. </span> </span>

for me. i have never been shy about expressing my wants/needs for time to do stuff, together and alone. in my household we both lead very busy lives and sometimes, it is our shared (outside of the home) activities that we can spend some quality time together. i also know that fulfilling interests that have nothing to do with each other, makes us more interesting (IMO), so i think it is also important that we work on those, too. how i show that i am supportive of those interests that do not include me is to listen (attentively) when he shares his experiences, if my attendance is required at an event or something, i will go. or if the activity requires travel, i help him pack, tell him to have fun, and make sure to answer the phone when he &quot;calls to check in&quot;, etc. sometimes, i pay for something (as a surprise), etc.

as far as the amount of time...it just depends on what we need at the specific time.

again, smaddy nu need fi hitchup unda me all di while to show me dem love me. <span style="font-weight: bold"> <span style="color: #000066"> Well said

I havent asked her yet, but I suspect that financial concerns might be what is causing a strain on their togetherness. I dont know for sure, but she mentioned that one item on her list is a trip to China this year! Great I thought until she said he would not be going with her. When I expressed surprise, she said, well maybe he will maybe he wont. But he's never taken that long a flight and isnt keen on it. A reasonable excuse, but </span> </span> </div></div>

[DearK]

Re: How much time together/apart?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: BiziBubbla</div><div class="ubbcode-body">BOADWL..mi read de sitten a go fi say...look from when brad an jen nuh deh and him an Angelina deh more dan 2 years i swear, mi need fi stop read US Weekly </div></div>

Step away from the Enquirer!! Or maybe I should too- I couldnt think of any 'normal' names! So what's your thought on coupledom and activities?

[DearK]

Re: How much time together/apart?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Wendilina</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> So she's made a bucket list and trying to cross things off the list. What I've noticed though is that she's doing them by herself. When we talked about it she said that the only thing Brad wants to do is go out to eat. She loves dining out, but she also has other interests and she's not going to let him hold her back</div></div>

DearK .. lawd couple weekends ago mi buck up pan wan a mi girlfren ina di Pharmacy an wi a ketch up and wan a di tings shi tell mi dat saddened mi (aldowe mi neva 2 surprise) is dat shi a get a divorce afta 9 yrs with her husband.

Widout even ask why mi had an idea.. as long as mi know har and dat a since 1998 she always a do tings by herself widout her husband wi will call Larry. When shi all a go fi dinna a mi she call fi goh wid har sometime.. fus ting mi ask har is if Larry coming and shi sey no..im dey a work or im out playing soccer. Mi did ask har bout di fact dat dem seem to do everyting apart. Shi like dining out, quick get aways, site seing and all he wanted to do was play soccer, work and hang out with his son (ALONE).

Shi accepted dat in the beginning at first..thinking what the heck.. as long as mi a do my thing what's the harm. Eventaully it took a toll on the marrige cause them neva have the &quot;balance&quot; as you said.

Mi agree yuh need your &quot;me&quot; time but you have to strike that balance as a couple to stay connected. Her words to me was &quot;Why be marrid to him if I dont have a companion&quot; . She was obviously self reflective andt she accepted that living her separate life all these years left her empty </div></div>

Wow 9 yrs. I think Dante said something like 'hell is proximity without intimacy'. She was almsot lving a single life while married

Wonder if it would have made a difference if she went to a couple of the soccer games?

[Bizzy]

Re: How much time together/apart?

I think jen have sense. Nuh mek de man lack of interest stop har from doing what she wants to do. Otherwise she would be bored and miserable.

[Wendy]

Re: How much time together/apart?

She did go to a couple of them. She invited me to a few but the thing is she is not into soccer so she can only fake that for so long

Yep - living single while married ..I always wondered about that with her and Larry but I thought it worked well for them since she is &quot;Miss up and go every 5 minute&quot; and im seem to be &quot;Mista low Key&quot;.

Mi ask her how he reacted when she asked for a divorce. She said &quot;shocked&quot;. Mi a wanda if dem neva talk bout dese tings til it was too late.

[DearK]

Re: How much time together/apart?

Thats true. And maybe in time they'll find some other activity they like to do together. I just find it odd- even a drive to a historical site near their town- she did that on her own (or maybe it was with a girlfriend). Also she mentioned dinner at a fancy restaurant, and that was with a friend of her )female). You'd think that the restaurants would be reserved for the husband since that's the 'only thing' he wants to do.

Maybe they had too much of each other at the beginning of their marriage

[Nunya]

Re: How much time together/apart?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Dear K</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
This sounds reasonable. At the times when you want to do thinhgs you want to do- do you end up not seeing much of each other? Do you share thoughts/stories about your activity, or is it only for you? Does he even ask and do you care or prefer that he doesnt </div></div>

I'll tell him about somethings. Other times I won't. It's all down to trust. He doesn't press me if I don't talk about it etc.

An innocuous example: He'll see me typing away like mad (when I'm on this site) and laughing my head off, and he'll want to know who am I talking to, what am I talking about...

I'll tell him 'No worry yuhself.' and he let's it go at that. He doesn't feel left out or insecure about the time I spend on this site, or the conversations I have that he's not a part of.