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Re: Guess why I am not
Fast forward to 4 months ago…
I am now so unhappy at my job,
I find myself having a hard time getting out of bed. 
I am breaking out all along my jaw line, in those nasty zits, that aren’t really zits, just red bumps that hurt.
I am miserable the hour and half ride I have to work in the morning, I am miserable the entire day at work; my only solace is lunch with my 1 friend at work. She feels as though she is in a bad dream at the job as well. We both started the same week, and have both been wondering what we are doing there. We are the 2 hardest workers in the department, easily.
Then of course it is an hour and a half drive home to Red, who has to listen to me complain for a full 30 minutes before I begin to unwind.
I have never been so unhappy at a job. Never. It is only made worse by the fact that I have 1 friend at my job and few people who I actually hit it off with. I made mistakes; I ran my mouth when I was frustrated, to just about anyone who would listen.
It killed me to be wrong so often, especially when it wasn't always from my own mistakes. My team mate intentionally steered me wrong time and time again. She said she had followed up on things that hadn’t been followed up on. She would send me to an internal department to work on something for her, which almost always ended up being the wrong department. I was looking foolish, stupid, and inept. 
I know that I was new to the company, and there was a learning curve, I just wanted to by pass it and get to a similar place where I was at my previous job. In my old job I was a tem lead, the person who knew the answers, and if I didn’t know the answers, I was resourceful and self reliant enough to find them. In my current job, I was the idiot who time and time again took direction from my team mate and also made mistakes entirely on my own.
As a result I would cuss under my breath when people laughed at my mistakes. I said things I shouldn’t have about my teammate’s ability to do anything more than wipe her butt. I would get really worked up about something and look like a big ball of stress sitting at my desk. I carried around bad bad bad energy. I think I developed a reputation of not being someone you couldn't trust. I also think people thought I was wound a little to tightly.
I honestly didn’t care about that. What hurt me was the jealousy and hateful things I heard said about me.
I did my job well, and even with my mistakes was 100 times better than most of my co workers. The Executive Director pulled me in his office several times to compliment me on my hard work, acknowledge the “thank you’s” I was getting from clients, and to tell me I was their rising star.
The problem was, this was said numerous times in front of my co-workers. Managers should know better… it only breeds contempt from the employees who have been there for years. 
On several occasions I heard my co workers talking about me. “Who does she think she is”… “She isn’t gonna make me work any harder”… “Giver her time, eventually she won’t be such a doer”… “She is so arrogant…” blah blah blah. I know it is human nature to talk about people. And yes, it hurt to hear these things said, but there wasn’t anything I could do to change it. I never confronted anyone; instead I cut myself off from everyone.
I had gone weeks without talking to anyone but my one friend. I kept it strictly business all day with everyone. I wasn’t even saying good morning to people as I passed. Literally, I was going into work and home, without talking to anyone but the people on the phone, for weeks.
This was killing me. I am a very social person; it was so hard to not have friends at work. It reminded me of my job right out of college, when I worked in a research lab doing research on chickens. I was fresh out of college with my degree in Biology, and was ready to change the world. One livestock at a time… I was so unhappy at that job. I worked with a bunch of mad scientist, who wanted nothing more than to be locked away in their lab by themselves. 
I would go all day without hearing the sound of my own voice. It was awful, and my current job was reminding me of it more and more.
Red was telling me every night to please quit. He hated seeing me so unhappy. He hated hearing about it night after night. He even wrote my two weeks notice letter for me and packed it in my lunch bag.
I had gone to my manager several times with the issues I was having within my team. The Executive Director even was made aware. The solution? She and I were to have team meetings once a week to be sure we were on the same page. It is real hard to have team meetings once a week when your partner disappears for hours at a time, and that is on the days she manages to show up for work at all. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif[/img]
Finally one day at a team meeting I snapped. I mean literally snapped.
It was my turn to give a presentation in front of the group. A presentation on material I could do in my sleep. I was exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I had been doing 100% of the work for my team and could hardly hold my head up. 
As the room turned to look at me, to get up and present, I felt it welling up in my chest and eyes. I tried so hard to fight it…then, before I knew it, one big fat tear was rolling down my face.
In front of all of my co-workers I had one of those cries that is REAL ugly.
The kind where you can barely catch your breath, and when you try to speak, it comes out in choppy 1 syllable words. The more I tried to stop it the worse it was. It seriously was uncontrollable. Snot was running out of my nose at an unstoppable pace, the only tissues on hand were made from wood chips I think, and I couldn’t hold back anymore. I was talking in those choppy words, and trying to make myself shut up but I couldn't. Everyone around me had a look of shock and horror, one woman I work with was openly laughing at me. Fortunate for me, my team mate wasn’t there that day (she rarely comes to work) so she didn’t get to see it to have the satisfaction. After a good 20 seconds of hysterical reaction from me, the team lead for our department kicked everyone else out of the room and looked me square in the eye.
What came next shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did.
Fast forward to 4 months ago…
I am now so unhappy at my job,
I find myself having a hard time getting out of bed. I am breaking out all along my jaw line, in those nasty zits, that aren’t really zits, just red bumps that hurt. I am miserable the hour and half ride I have to work in the morning, I am miserable the entire day at work; my only solace is lunch with my 1 friend at work. She feels as though she is in a bad dream at the job as well. We both started the same week, and have both been wondering what we are doing there. We are the 2 hardest workers in the department, easily. Then of course it is an hour and a half drive home to Red, who has to listen to me complain for a full 30 minutes before I begin to unwind.
I have never been so unhappy at a job. Never. It is only made worse by the fact that I have 1 friend at my job and few people who I actually hit it off with. I made mistakes; I ran my mouth when I was frustrated, to just about anyone who would listen.
It killed me to be wrong so often, especially when it wasn't always from my own mistakes. My team mate intentionally steered me wrong time and time again. She said she had followed up on things that hadn’t been followed up on. She would send me to an internal department to work on something for her, which almost always ended up being the wrong department. I was looking foolish, stupid, and inept. I know that I was new to the company, and there was a learning curve, I just wanted to by pass it and get to a similar place where I was at my previous job. In my old job I was a tem lead, the person who knew the answers, and if I didn’t know the answers, I was resourceful and self reliant enough to find them. In my current job, I was the idiot who time and time again took direction from my team mate and also made mistakes entirely on my own.
As a result I would cuss under my breath when people laughed at my mistakes. I said things I shouldn’t have about my teammate’s ability to do anything more than wipe her butt. I would get really worked up about something and look like a big ball of stress sitting at my desk. I carried around bad bad bad energy. I think I developed a reputation of not being someone you couldn't trust. I also think people thought I was wound a little to tightly.
I honestly didn’t care about that. What hurt me was the jealousy and hateful things I heard said about me. I did my job well, and even with my mistakes was 100 times better than most of my co workers. The Executive Director pulled me in his office several times to compliment me on my hard work, acknowledge the “thank you’s” I was getting from clients, and to tell me I was their rising star.
The problem was, this was said numerous times in front of my co-workers. Managers should know better… it only breeds contempt from the employees who have been there for years. On several occasions I heard my co workers talking about me. “Who does she think she is”… “She isn’t gonna make me work any harder”… “Giver her time, eventually she won’t be such a doer”… “She is so arrogant…” blah blah blah. I know it is human nature to talk about people. And yes, it hurt to hear these things said, but there wasn’t anything I could do to change it. I never confronted anyone; instead I cut myself off from everyone.
I had gone weeks without talking to anyone but my one friend. I kept it strictly business all day with everyone. I wasn’t even saying good morning to people as I passed. Literally, I was going into work and home, without talking to anyone but the people on the phone, for weeks.
This was killing me. I am a very social person; it was so hard to not have friends at work. It reminded me of my job right out of college, when I worked in a research lab doing research on chickens. I was fresh out of college with my degree in Biology, and was ready to change the world. One livestock at a time… I was so unhappy at that job. I worked with a bunch of mad scientist, who wanted nothing more than to be locked away in their lab by themselves. I would go all day without hearing the sound of my own voice. It was awful, and my current job was reminding me of it more and more. Red was telling me every night to please quit. He hated seeing me so unhappy. He hated hearing about it night after night. He even wrote my two weeks notice letter for me and packed it in my lunch bag.
I had gone to my manager several times with the issues I was having within my team. The Executive Director even was made aware. The solution? She and I were to have team meetings once a week to be sure we were on the same page. It is real hard to have team meetings once a week when your partner disappears for hours at a time, and that is on the days she manages to show up for work at all. [img]/forums/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif[/img]
Finally one day at a team meeting I snapped. I mean literally snapped.
It was my turn to give a presentation in front of the group. A presentation on material I could do in my sleep. I was exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I had been doing 100% of the work for my team and could hardly hold my head up. As the room turned to look at me, to get up and present, I felt it welling up in my chest and eyes. I tried so hard to fight it…then, before I knew it, one big fat tear was rolling down my face. In front of all of my co-workers I had one of those cries that is REAL ugly.
The kind where you can barely catch your breath, and when you try to speak, it comes out in choppy 1 syllable words. The more I tried to stop it the worse it was. It seriously was uncontrollable. Snot was running out of my nose at an unstoppable pace, the only tissues on hand were made from wood chips I think, and I couldn’t hold back anymore. I was talking in those choppy words, and trying to make myself shut up but I couldn't. Everyone around me had a look of shock and horror, one woman I work with was openly laughing at me. Fortunate for me, my team mate wasn’t there that day (she rarely comes to work) so she didn’t get to see it to have the satisfaction. After a good 20 seconds of hysterical reaction from me, the team lead for our department kicked everyone else out of the room and looked me square in the eye. What came next shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did.
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