What would you do

**DearK** · 07-03-2007, 03:37 AM

Re: What would you do

He needs treatment and there is little else you can do for him except offer support... If you remain w/ him, you're in for a bumpy ride! He will be a master manipulator, and will know which f your strings to pull. Be very careful, not only of your finances/assets, but also of your heart. This is an illness that teaches the addict many skills. He is a good man, AND there is a strong pull that will make him do things he (and you) will later regret. This is the contradiction of addiction..

It's possible that he has already made attempts at treatment... he will say he wants help, wants to quit, but guard yourself in how you show 'support'. There is NOTHING you can do to 'cure' him. He must find his way with little or no 'work' from you and a strong show of progress from him.

You do <u>not</u> find programs for him, you do <u>not</u> make appointments for him, you do <u>NOTHING</u> except let him know that you are there for when he is clean and sober, and has done what he needs to do. He is around the life enough to know what the steps are and if he tells you otherwise, allow him the opportunity to do research to find out (his 'friends' know where to get the good dope, and htey KNOW where to get the good treatment), plus there are meeting rooms operating almost 24 hrs/day in every city. You do NOT find a room for him, he should be able to tell YOU where there are. (But remember attending AA or Narc Anon is NOT treatment, which he also needs).

Detoxing from crack poses no medical danger, but it is extremely uncomfortable, so if a detox bed is not available, he can quit and go thru withdrawals w/out fear of physical harm (unless other substances are also involved). Meanwhile, you will NOT be a hero, you will NOT save him, you will NOT change him- this has to come from within. It is a difficult journey, and he will falter, but in the end it is worth it, for him...

Will it be worth it for you? That remains to be seen.... the man you've met and are slowly falling in love with, is not necessarily the man that he is.

This is a difficult situation, and you will be conflicted at this cross in the road, but you need to be strong for the both of you (ie resist the urge to do, fix, solve).. Good luck ((((concerned)))

**Suesumba** · 07-03-2007, 09:16 AM

Re: What would you do

he's more in love with his crack pipe. don't you think you deserve better? good luck to you.

**Dr.Dudd** · 07-03-2007, 09:31 AM

Re: What would you do

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: concerned</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I met a man sometime back
comes from the ghetto in town

after a short while I know he has a problem of some sort
call it womans intuition [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/whatever.gif[/img]

what this womans intuition didn't know was this problem
was the man is addicted to a crack pipe [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/crybaby.gif[/img]

the brain says go
the heart hasn't yet been able to turn on him
he is a good man with an ugly problem

anyone????
suggestions???? </div></div>
A crack addict does not have the abillity to feel ,love for anything or any one. what they have is a very well developed skill for acting.
this skill is necessary to achieve the only thing they are able to concentrate on. And that is singularly to get the next fix.
There may be a good person somewher there,but yoy are not seeing it. What you are seeing is a person who sees you as a 'mark'.
The only use for a mark is as a tool to get the next fix.

The best you can do for him is to abandon him. you cannot get him to detox by helping him. It takes too much,and he will still trick you and use the drug.
Only when ther is no other option will he decide to detox.Even after detox he is likely to return to the drug.
it is very difficult to help him. If you are prepared to make him your primary activity,you can attempy it,but be aware that the loss of you job if you have one is likely to be one of the casualities. Not to mention alienation from family etc.
Incidentally AA,NA and the other social groups are not treatment for addiction.
They are preffered substitutes. One is no less an addict after years of involvement is these organizations. The quality of their life may be better,but they are of the same psychological level.
In other words,they still have to mentally fight against the urge to use the drug.

**newcomer** · 07-03-2007, 10:30 AM

Re: What would you do

your words sound loud in my ears
all of what you say is SO RIGHT

from what his family tells me he has had struggle from the day he was born,not with the pipe,just with life in general

remember this man lives in the ghetto in Kingston and I am living here in the states,so what do I know?????
yes,there are many who come from the ghetto's of Kingston who make life run and survive fine,he just isn't one of them

I do know that it is hard to turn away from a man who needs
love,which I had loads of to give,but....until he does something for himself to change the problem I have no choice here
already over the course of our 2 and some odd years together there has been to much trouble
he has been crying out now he wants to get help
swears he is going to a place where he can
I say "lets watch and see" so far..only words

**Suesumba** · 07-03-2007, 10:36 AM

Re: What would you do

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: concerned</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
remember this man lives in the ghetto in Kingston and I am living here in the states,so what do I know?????</div></div>

are you for real? [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/rolleyes.gif[/img]

**newcomer** · 07-03-2007, 10:39 AM

Re: What would you do

I understand,overstand your words

but people are all human beings
so is it that easy to just look at it in a way that says
someone has a problem,it is one that takes a lot of energy to work with so ...walk away and let them suffer on their own

I have in the past had people cross my path that needed help in a similar way
once a young man...my best friends son,we all kept at it with him and finally HE made the change that had to be made
we never gave up on him though

thank God now he is clean for many years

hope you see my point,not in any way trying to be sarcastic with you [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/smile.gif[/img]

of course this is different circumstances the man I am dealing with is living in Kingston he is a full grown man ..my heart got involved without knowing exactly what his problem was
so....this one isn't one I can say will be easy to deal with
and as Dear K says...he has to do it not me

**newcomer** · 07-03-2007, 10:42 AM

Re: What would you do

sue??? for real about what???

**Suesumba** · 07-03-2007, 10:45 AM

Re: What would you do

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: concerned</div><div class="ubbcode-body">but people are all human beings
so is it that easy to just look at it in a way that says
someone has a problem
...
of course this is different circumstances the man I am dealing with is living in Kingston he is a full grown man ..my heart got involved without knowing exactly what his problem was
so....this one isn't one I can say will be easy to deal with
and as Dear K says...he has to do it not me
</div></div>
O, i'm not being sarcastic, i'm just that way. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70390-shhh.gif[/img] hope you are not reading me wrong.

i can see where you want to be compassionate. but c'mon, at some point you have to make the best possible choice for yourself. the problems i see are as follows:

<ul>[*]he lives in the ghetto (you've amphlified this);[*]he has a drug dependency problem;[*]he's had various problems his entire life (addiction prone personality most likely;[*]you're living in the US (wrap your own head around that one);[*]he's living in a kingston ghetto;[/list]

questions:

1. what stage are you at in your relationship?
2. what long-range plans have you both made as far as your future together?
3. has he expressed any need for change?

**newcomer** · 07-03-2007, 11:03 AM

Re: What would you do

he has,ever since I realized what the problem was,expressed his wanting to change

reality...he must not be ready since he hasn't pursued the help
he has cried like a baby saying he was going to
He will need to be the ne to do it

yes Sue,him...life in the Kingston ghetto
me...here in the states,seeing what life in the ghetto of Kingston can bring .....
nah easy at all

we have been going on with each other,phone calls,my visiting him for a little more than 2 1/2 years
I have been traveling to jamaica for much longer than that

I do ask myself why? what am I going to get but stress?
his good,straight side,is loving,kind,generous but the addiction is stronger than him

yes, it is hard to turn my back on him
ya know when someone captures the heart [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/cry.gif[/img]
but I know I have to look at what good I will do him or myself by staying anyway,

perhaps it is my weakness to think I can help whenever someone is having a problem,perhaps that is why he came attracted to me to begin with [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70456-eyebrows.gif[/img]

**Suesumba** · 07-03-2007, 11:15 AM

Re: What would you do

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: concerned</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I do ask myself why? what am I going to get but stress?
his good,straight side,is loving,kind,generous but the addiction is stronger than him

</div></div>

well, at least part of you is thinking clearly [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70456-eyebrows.gif[/img] see my highlighted portions of your response.

okay i'm going to be brutal now<-- [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70365-flirt.gif[/img] true to type [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70390-shhh.gif[/img]

deep down in your intelligent heart, do you not think you're romanticizing this relationship where no romance exists?

what i mean is, if you were to put up with his drug addled existence day after day, tears after tears, saying he means to change but not making any effort and he lived right next door to you, how long do you think this relationship would last?

**newcomer** · 07-03-2007, 11:29 AM

Re: What would you do

[img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/notworthy.gif[/img]
there is always that part of me that is thinking clearly
I hear you about am I just romanticizing what it is that a gwan here
yet....there is a side to this man Sue that is so genuinely kind etc that is hard to not tell you there is romance when he is clean
he isn't one who the entire time we have known each other is always high,okay okay this is not easy

whoa!!!! just got a phone call ...he is at the clinic and wants me to talk to the woman there

**nattydreadgirl** · 07-03-2007, 11:38 AM

Re: What would you do

RUN! FAST FAST FAST!!!

**Suesumba** · 07-03-2007, 11:45 AM

Re: What would you do

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: concerned</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
yet....there is a side to this man Sue that is so genuinely kind etc that is hard to not tell you there is romance when he is clean

...he is at the clinic and wants me to talk to the woman there </div></div>

re: part 1: hitler loved small furry animals [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/smile.gif[/img]

re: part 2: how flipping convenient [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/rolleyes.gif[/img]

re: part 3: if she comes back into this post and said he just asked her to send money as part of his treatment programme i'm gonna hurl. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70456-eyebrows.gif[/img]

**newcomer** · 07-03-2007, 12:41 PM

Re: What would you do

okay...so here is how the phone call goes

I speak to the woman who is in charge
she tells me he has to come back for an interview tomorrow to see if they will accept him
why wouldn't they accept him?
if he has committed murder,if he has other mental problems
none of which is a part of who this man is

the money for it?
yes,she tells me it is 4000J a week to stay in the program
it is an 8 week program and it can be paid for every 2 weeks
4000j $61 per week....should I help him with this???
of course I say to myself
how is spending that money going to trouble me,it won't
I am not a rich lady but I know that money can't save my life
and maybe,just maybe it will help to save his
he has given to me in many ways,none of which have been material
but when you are financially poor money isn't an option for giving
I am praying for his life here
not everyone has it easy
but again I say,,,doesn't mean we should turn our back on them [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/notworthy.gif[/img]

What would you do

What would you do

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