What's your take?

[niceniss]

I was having a convo with someone earlier tonight. We saw tyler perry's "why did I get married" together and we've been debating a point ever since.
One girl took abuse from her husband about her weight issues and I wondered aloud why she took the abuse. The person says "people can work things out". He insists that people can work things out. Me, at the first sign of him going too far I say adios.

Another person once told me he partly blames women who have been physically abused because at the first hit they should have locked his [censored] up and be done with it. I had to say it was a bit difficult for me to find fault with his position. Sometimes women make too much excuses(they're poor, they have children together etc )to stay. If he hits you once he may kill you someday. love yourself more.

Do I sound harsh? What's your take?

[julie*mango]

Re: What's your take?

It's easy to say stuff when you're on the outside...he/she who feels it knows.

[niceniss]

Re: What's your take?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Skelly</div><div class="ubbcode-body">It's easy tp say stuff when you're on the outside...he/she who feels it knows. </div></div>
Skelly, I know it's never easy if you're going through it, but why go through it in the first place?
Why not say "nah nah! you don't inflict pain on me if you love me." from the first hit? Why? Why allow it to escalate? Why?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around why allow someone to abuse me...

[julie*mango]

Re: What's your take?

Insecurity

Financial Insecurity
Insecurity with self
Insecurity (Instability) of the family unit where kids are concerned
Insecurity about change in social status

etc etc etc

[niceniss]

Re: What's your take?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Skelly</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Insecurity

Financial Insecurity
Insecurity with self
Insecurity (Instability) of the family unit where kids are concerned
Insecurity about change in social status

etc etc etc </div></div>

I know... I know...

My very own mother was a single mother with mortgage, utilities bills, 4 daughters to send to school, clothes, feed etc but she didnt have to endure the abuse of a possessive man. she didnt have to, I know that, but she did. Oh she fought back, she's no wimp, but she had more grief than good and she thrived(although she feared she wouldnt) after she finally got rid of him.

It's hard. It's tough, but a woman will win. She has to believe that. She just has to...

[seemiyah]

Re: What's your take?

Donnika I use feel like you but now I know a lot of time things are not as black and white as we make them and there are reasons we have not even thought of as to why someone stays in that situation. As an independent person I can easily say I won't stand for it, not every one can make the same decision as quickly.

[niceniss]

Re: What's your take?

As an independent person... ~Chuckle~ Like it or not, we're all interdependent. we are social animals who depend on each other which is why we have various support constructs.
What I'm saying is, if a woman fears things such as losing status (financial or immigrant etc) she can always get help. There are programs available to aide women including those foreign women whose citizen spouses abuse them (even if they are not yet citizens and filing is still being processed).

I know about emotional weaknesses. She's been made to feel stupid, undesireable and incapable so she believes it. bite the bullet. bite it and get out. Ladies, please.

If I tell you something I went through you might be surprised. Look, I know there are legitimate reasons, I do, but sometimes despite the fear of great loss and uncertainty you would be shocked at how much you can win when you finally say enough is enough. believe me...

[seemiyah]

Re: What's your take?

Financially independent from a man, I am not dependent on any man in my life to provide the roof over my head or the money in my pocket. My point is that when that is not a concern when you can say enough leave my life and ou don't have to wonder so where I going to live or where I getting money from its a lot easier. My only point is that it is a more difficult choice for some not that they shouldn't still do it.

[Nunya]

Re: What's your take?

You know, some abused mothers have critically analysed the situation, and have decided that the devil they know is better than the devil they don't. So they stay.

Also, they will take all the licks, kicks, thumps and baxdungs instead of having him focus his rage on the kids. Yeah, there is the psychological effects of a child seeing his mother getting beaten, and the mother knows the damage... but she's tired and she can't handle protecting their minds as well as their bodies... so she choses...

I'm saying that when I was younger, I was also full of righteous outrage against women who stay in such an environment...

And while I am still outraged, I've come to realise that no two situations are the same and that the avenues for protection are not always open. Also, and this is something many don't know - sometimes it's <u>better</u> to stay with the abuser than to go out there where the abusers are not so readily identifiable...

[MarieK]

Re: What's your take?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Nunya</div><div class="ubbcode-body">You know, some abused mothers have critically analysed the situation, and have decided that the devil they know is better than the devil they don't. So they stay.

Also, they will take all the licks, kicks, thumps and baxdungs instead of having him focus his rage on the kids. Yeah, there is the psychological effects of a child seeing his mother getting beaten, and the mother knows the damage... but she's tired and she can't handle protecting their minds as well as their bodies... so she choses...

I'm saying that when I was younger, I was also full of righteous outrage against women who stay in such an environment...

And while I am still outraged, I've come to realise that no two situations are the same and that the avenues for protection are not always open. Also, and this is something many don't know - sometimes it's <u>better</u> to stay with the abuser than to go out there where the abusers are not so readily identifiable...
</div></div>

First of all I agree with this especially the bolded section above.

I look at the woman played by Jill Scott to be a woman desperate to hold on to her marriage and that's easy to do when that's all that consumes you. It IS possible to not see what he's doing, it IS possible to be blinded by love.

Many times before passing judgment about what you would do, wait and sit back until that situation presents itself before u make a decision. YOu may be quite suprised at your reaction.

Relationships are hard VERY hard and marriages are even tougher. The first two two three years are the rockiest because no longer are u living apart and those qualities you thought were never there simply never presented itself during the times you dated but now here u both are together each and every single minute it's like you are practically joined at the hip and his annoying little attitudes are starting to show. What do u do?

I laud Jyll Scott's role in the movie

[Compry]

Re: What's your take?

In the other thread I wrote some stuff about my previous marriage and I erased it because it was personal but this is an issue that I "take issue" with...so here goes.

When my ex-husband first came to Canada within a couple weeks of being here, he threatened to hit me. He didn't succeed because I grabbed the phone and told him I would call the police. That was one of the many signs that I should have left him from back then. I didn't because at that time I thought being a Christian meant I had to endure a marriage to the bitter end no matter what. After thirteen years of emotional and a whole heap of other abuse, I finally loved myself and my children enough to end the marriage.

Fast forward to the last "relationship" I was in. While most women would have looked past the faults because of who this man was and what he had, I ended it. I've had married women tell me that I'm nuts for walking away but who feels it knows it. This man was a pastor among other things however he had a temper that I was not about to deal with. The first time he raised his voice at me, I told him I didn't appreciate it and I don't want anyone raising their voice at me. The second time he did it, I hung up the phone. He called me apologized, yadda yadda, said it wouldn't happen again. It happened again. They say once bitten, twice shy...I allowed it to happen a third time. I walked away from a life that I was living that most people could only dream of. End of story.

It was easier for me this time around because I learned from my past mistakes and Donnika, I love Compry very very much. I am too precious for anyone take advantage of. No amount of money is enough for me to compromise my values and my principles. Staying in that mess would have brought me right back into the same emotional state I was in when I was married. No thank you.

I realize that there are many women who feel trapped in those types of relationships because of what the man may be providing. They would be surprise how well they can make it on their own and how lighter they will feel getting rid of the cumbersome baggage.

[Yuriatin]

Re: What's your take?

[img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70458-applaud.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70409-waytogo.gif[/img]

[img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70409-waytogo.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70458-applaud.gif[/img]


<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Compry</div><div class="ubbcode-body">In the other thread I wrote some stuff about my previous marriage and I erased it because it was personal but this is an issue that I "take issue" with...so here goes.

When my ex-husband first came to Canada within a couple weeks of being here, he threatened to hit me. He didn't succeed because I grabbed the phone and told him I would call the police. That was one of the many signs that I should have left him from back then. I didn't because at that time I thought being a Christian meant I had to endure a marriage to the bitter end no matter what. After thirteen years of emotional and a whole heap of other abuse, I finally loved myself and my children enough to end the marriage.

Fast forward to the last "relationship" I was in. While most women would have looked past the faults because of who this man was and what he had, I ended it. I've had married women tell me that I'm nuts for walking away but who feels it knows it. This man was a pastor among other things however he had a temper that I was not about to deal with. The first time he raised his voice at me, I told him I didn't appreciate it and I don't want anyone raising their voice at me. The second time he did it, I hung up the phone. He called me apologized, yadda yadda, said it wouldn't happen again. It happened again. They say once bitten, twice shy...I allowed it to happen a third time. I walked away from a life that I was living that most people could only dream of. End of story.

It was easier for me this time around because I learned from my past mistakes and Donnika, I love Compry very very much. I am too precious for anyone take advantage of. No amount of money is enough for me to compromise my values and my principles. Staying in that mess would have brought me right back into the same emotional state I was in when I was married. No thank you.

I realize that there are many women who feel trapped in those types of relationships because of what the man may be providing. They would be surprise how well they can make it on their own and how lighter they will feel getting rid of the cumbersome baggage. </div></div>

[Yuriatin]

Re: What's your take?

Nunya - please clarify for me - I want, seriously, to make sure I'm not misunderstanding you: are you saying there are times when <span style="color: #FF0000">it's the better thing to do</span> to stay in an abusive relationship rather than leave it?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Nunya</div><div class="ubbcode-body">You know, some abused mothers have critically analysed the situation, and have decided that the devil they know is better than the devil they don't. So they stay.

Also, they will take all the licks, kicks, thumps and baxdungs instead of having him focus his rage on the kids. Yeah, there is the psychological effects of a child seeing his mother getting beaten, and the mother knows the damage... but she's tired and she can't handle protecting their minds as well as their bodies... so she choses...

I'm saying that when I was younger, I was also full of righteous outrage against women who stay in such an environment...

And while I am still outraged, I've come to realise that no two situations are the same and that the avenues for protection are not always open. Also, and this is something many don't know - <span style="color: #FF0000">sometimes it's <u>better</u> to stay with the abuser than to go out there where the abusers are not so readily identifiable...</span>
</div></div>

[Shine_Eye_Girl]

Re: What's your take?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Skelly</div><div class="ubbcode-body">It's easy to say stuff when you're on the outside...he/she who feels it knows. </div></div>


Exactly..... [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70409-waytogo.gif[/img]

[Yuriatin]

Re: What's your take?

I don't have to eat poop to know it doesn't taste good. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70409-waytogo.gif[/img]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: TLC_29</div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Skelly</div><div class="ubbcode-body">It's easy to say stuff when you're on the outside...he/she who feels it knows. </div></div>


Exactly..... [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70409-waytogo.gif[/img] </div></div>