What's your take?

[seemiyah]

Re: What's your take?

Yuri I know I am not Nunya but about a month ago I would not have understood that line but someone I know is in a situation right now where as much as it shock me to say it, its better for her to stay right now than it would be for her to leave, her situation is the epitome of a rock and a hard place.

[ZaraJah]

Re: What's your take?

Only the people who have actually gone through the trials and tribulations of a relationship can truly understand the pain that comes with sustaining such a relationship...a bit like giving birth...naturally. Those who feels it truly knows it and there are many survivors.

I would be the last to preach about what should work in someone else's situation, but one thing that I have learned, and that gets me through, is that a love of self and an appreciation and the search for a life that is not filled with angst and bitterness, is a good start which can and will propel anyone to remove themself from an unhealthy situation...but that comes with experience...whether it be your own or learning from someone else is all up to each individual.

[Kurlie]

Re: What's your take?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Compry</div><div class="ubbcode-body">In the other thread I wrote some stuff about my previous marriage and I erased it because it was personal but this is an issue that I "take issue" with...so here goes.

When my ex-husband first came to Canada within a couple weeks of being here, he threatened to hit me. He didn't succeed because I grabbed the phone and told him I would call the police. That was one of the many signs that I should have left him from back then. I didn't because at that time I thought being a Christian meant I had to endure a marriage to the bitter end no matter what. After thirteen years of emotional and a whole heap of other abuse, I finally loved myself and my children enough to end the marriage.

Fast forward to the last "relationship" I was in. While most women would have looked past the faults because of who this man was and what he had, I ended it. I've had married women tell me that I'm nuts for walking away but who feels it knows it. This man was a pastor among other things however he had a temper that I was not about to deal with. The first time he raised his voice at me, I told him I didn't appreciate it and I don't want anyone raising their voice at me. The second time he did it, I hung up the phone. He called me apologized, yadda yadda, said it wouldn't happen again. It happened again. They say once bitten, twice shy...I allowed it to happen a third time. I walked away from a life that I was living that most people could only dream of. End of story.

It was easier for me this time around because I learned from my past mistakes and Donnika, I love Compry very very much. I am too precious for anyone take advantage of. No amount of money is enough for me to compromise my values and my principles. Staying in that mess would have brought me right back into the same emotional state I was in when I was married. No thank you.

I realize that there are many women who feel trapped in those types of relationships because of what the man may be providing. They would be surprise how well they can make it on their own and how lighter they will feel getting rid of the cumbersome baggage. </div></div>

Compry I understand your take on this completely...I was in a similar situation, walked away and never look back...and I promise myself that I will never put myself in that kinda situation again. I knew that one day, when the timing was right a good man would walk into my life. I didn't/don't have to settle for bullcrap and I have no intention of sacrificing my life and my happiness to please another person.

[ZaraJah]

Re: What's your take?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: seemiyah</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Yuri I know I am not Nunya but about a month ago I would not have understood that line but someone I know is in a situation right now where as much as it shock me to say it, its better for her to stay right now than it would be for her to leave, her situation is the epitome of a rock and a hard place. </div></div>

I can understand that. In some situations, it is a life or death decision which the person might have decided that it might not be worth losing her life over. [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/frown.gif[/img]

[Nunya]

Re: What's your take?

I mean in part that some mothers have decided that it's better to stay there and tek de lick dem - primarily because they <u>know</u> the source of the abuse - than to go out there where the abuse will be coming from many directions, too many from which to protect her children.

For eg: Back when I lived in TO, I knew of many women who were 'held' captive, so to speak, because they weren't here legally. Their men abused them every which way and these women felt, being new to the country and being without papers etc, that they had no recourse but to sit there and take it.

Some of these women, after listening to the advice of social workers etc, decided that they could get a roof and food from a shelter for battered women.

They went. The abuse they suffered there is not covered by the media or acknowledged by the social workers. The people these women expected to protect them and their children, were the ones who stole from them, assaulted them and taunted them.

So yeah, the abuse woman believed it to be better to be at 'home' where he's beating her, and she can step between him and the kids to tek de licks on their behalf. But when she's in the system, that was supposedly designed to protect her and it doesn't, where does she turn next? It's the devil she does not know.

NOTE: I have not seen the movie that prompted this discussion. Also, while I can 'understand' a woman staying with an abuser to protect her children, I cannot understand a woman staying with someone who abuses those children.

[Yuriatin]

Re: What's your take?

Indeed - some resources might not be available to some women and they might not have the finances to leave when they'd want to leave - it's true - I'm not denying this.

However, it's never - in my humble opinion - better to stay in an abusive relationship for any reason.

I'm just wanting Nunya to clarify her point for me - perhaps I'm not reading it properly.

To me, you don't have to stay with an abuser for fear of running to the arms of another potential abuser.

You can leave your abuser and not run to ANYONE! Run to yourself, get to know you - work on YOU! Do some self introspection. Work on your self esteem.

But maybe I'm misinterpreting what Nun said.

Just want to be sure I understand her.


<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: seemiyah</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Yuri I know I am not Nunya but about a month ago I would not have understood that line but someone I know is in a situation right now where as much as it shock me to say it, its better for her to stay right now than it would be for her to leave, her situation is the epitome of a rock and a hard place. </div></div>

[MarieK]

Re: What's your take?

on the other hand dont' knock a woman who you see trying to make her relationship work. Encourage her support her do not criticise her. Yup can't beleive I am saying it either and though I don't put the true picture of my life on this board I'll open up to prove this point.

I was with someone and did every single thing possible to make it work I was so focused on the relationship that I neglected one half of what the relationship comprised of ME. I mean u should see me hair looking a mess nails not done behind running around dealing with these issues and those issues and being the perfect woman I thought he wanted but one trip to JA changed all that. I came back and on the plane I snapped and said to myself what the eff are u doing? Have u done lost your &$*&$^ing mind?

I never looked back. Do I regret all the losses I incurred and trust me when I tell u there were losses NOPE. I don't regret it one bit know why? Cuz I walked away knowing nothing could have saved that relationship.

I have friends in dead end relationships, I know it isn't going anywhere and from my experience I know the man is up to no good and is a user, a liar and a dog, i do point out oh "hes just like my ex so and so" but that's it.

When she calls saying she's gonna try a New Lingerie I find the sale prices and email her coupons.

When she suggests trying something new in bed I give her a couple pointers

Mek di girl work it through till she finally coem to the realization that he's not for her.

[ILP]

Re: What's your take?

I am going to say my piece and then I am out. I can only speak for myself, so please understand that it is with this reference point that I am now going to speak.

A lot of women (not just black or white or whatever) feel that they <u>need</u> a man in order to survive. I feel that this is what some men see and then take advantage (ie. abuse). I think that women fail to understand that <u>want</u> and <u>need</u> are two entirely diferent(sp.) things.

In my past relationships, I took all kind of abuse (mental and verbal...sometimes I wonder if I had recognized it earlier as abuse, would I have left earlier, but whatever). I felt that I <u>needed</u> the man I was with, so I stayed. What I came to understand later in my life is that the men saw this in me and took advantage of the situation. Life became musch easier, once I recognized the following:

1. I needed NO MAN to survive.
2. I wanted a man because having one made life happier for me.
3. I needed air, I needed food, I needed shelter, I needed my health. Having those things were the keys to sustaining MY life. Notice that a man isnt in that equation?
4. I could get #3 all by myself. In some instances having a man made having those things easier, but I didnt NEED one in order to get them.

I feel that once I made that distinction in my life, things just got that much easier. I gained my freedom. I gained the freedom to LIVE. I gained the freedom to LOVE and to BE LOVED. What I have noticed is that in my current relationship, the man that I am with recognizes this 'freedom' that I have (and that he has also) and our lives together are that much easier.

Now please dont get me wrong, we still have our fights and disagreements, but we understand that we have BOTH have an obligation to ourselves <u>first</u> and then to each other second. We both live with that kind of freedom.

[Yuriatin]

Re: What's your take?

ILP - as a former dom abuse counselor, I can tell you that you're 100% correct.

A woman with low self esteem and a manipulative man are a perfect storm - a collision just waiting to happen.

We need to be mentally, spiritually, fit <span style="color: #FF0000">*note that I didn't say perfect, just fit*</span> first within ourselves (know that you CAN live w/out a man, VALUE ourselves, LOVE ourselves, etc) so that when Mr Jerkoff comes along, you recognize it and let him pass by.

Again - in my opinion - never is it better to stay with an abusive man. Even if he IS just beating on you and not the kids - what do you think the kids are seeing? Believe it, though he may not be hitting them, he IS abusing them too!

Even worse, he's setting the foundation for future abusers and future acceptors of abuse.

Peace y'all.


<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Juss_ILP</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I am going to say my piece and then I am out. I can only speak for myself, so please understand that it is with this reference point that I am now going to speak.

A lot of women (not just black or white or whatever) feel that they <u>need</u> a man in order to survive. I feel that this is what some men see and then take advantage (ie. abuse). I think that women fail to understand that <u>want</u> and <u>need</u> are two entirely diferent(sp.) things.

In my past relationships, I took all kind of abuse (mental and verbal...sometimes I wonder if I had recognized it earlier as abuse, would I have left earlier, but whatever). I felt that I <u>needed</u> the man I was with, so I stayed. What I came to understand later in my life is that the men saw this in me and took advantage of the situation. Life became musch easier, once I recognized the following:

1. I needed NO MAN to survive.
2. I wanted a man because having one made life happier for me.
3. I needed air, I needed food, I needed shelter, I needed my health. Having those things were the keys to sustaining MY life. Notice that a man isnt in that equation?
4. I could get #3 all by myself. In some instances having a man made having those things easier, but I didnt NEED one in order to get them.

I feel that once I made that distinction in my life, things just got that much easier. I gained my freedom. I gained the freedom to LIVE. What I have noticed is that in my current relationship, the man that I am with recognizes this 'freedom' that I have (and that he has also) and our lives together are that much easier.

Now please dont get me wrong, we still have our fights and disagreements, but we understand that we have BOTH have an obligation to ourselves <u>first</u> and then to each other second. We both live with that kind of freedom.

</div></div>

[Kurlie]

Re: What's your take?

yes girl...experience is a great teacher.

sometimes we tink we love the man but its the idea of having a man wi love.

loving my ex and loving my husband, I can tell you is totally different..now I love sensibly

mek sense?

[MarieK]

Re: What's your take?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: MrsKurlie</div><div class="ubbcode-body">its the idea of having a man wi love.

</div></div>

how many times u see this happen? Even in marriages all my friends are getting married so I have ot get married too. that's the mentality of many nowadays.

We don't take a stand in who or what we love we just want to love.

Notice the charactger in the movie talked about making her marriage work, not the realtionship but the marriage.

[ILP]

Re: What's your take?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: MrsKurlie</div><div class="ubbcode-body">loving my ex and loving my husband, I can tell you is totally different..now I love sensibly

mek sense? </div></div>

absolutely [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/70409-waytogo.gif[/img]

[niceniss]

Re: What's your take?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Nunya</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Also, and this is something many don't know - sometimes it's <u>better</u> to stay with the abuser than to go out there where the abusers are not so readily identifiable...
</div></div>

no-no, I can't agree. An abuser is more likely than not to kill at some point. Sometimes when we are going through what we think is the worst, where every move we make is wrong, we think we need to hold onto this despite...
Look, in regards to new to country, no family, no papers thing, everyone saying your only option is marriage etc noone has to tell me about that. me have ample knowlege and friends who going through it.
Sometimes you just have to reach deep down into yourself and pull out strength whey u never even sure you capable of.
more than one ways to skin a cat. the people who claimed the best (or only)route to papers was marriage need likkle knowlege.

[niceniss]

Re: What's your take?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Mrs. MarieK</div><div class="ubbcode-body">on the other hand dont' knock a woman who you see trying to make her relationship work. Encourage her support her do not criticise her. </div></div>

why does a woman(or anyone for that matter) need to save a relationship? If it doesn't work it doesn't work.

[UKBlackLady]

Re: What's your take?

I'm with Donnika on this one.

Twice I walked away and rebuilt my life, leaving houses, cars, etc... Both times at the first raising of the hand.

I have three children. Maybe I've just been lucky to have loved myself enough and worried about my children more.

However, my girlfriends that have and are currently going through similar situations, I don't kiss my teeth at them and say "if it were me" (although I do think it [img]/forums/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/blush.gif[/img]), I offer them mental support. They will do what they need to when the time feels right to them.