Buying men presents

[Wahalla]

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you shouldhave no problems.
Rule #1: When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have afriend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills.No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it.Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "Okay. By the way, areyou through with my 3/8" socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a smallbottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No oneknows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that ifGod had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he would not have invented jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have alot of money, buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild ashe flips and flips and flips. Forget the program, your entertainment is watching him have fun!

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they donot stink-they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will belabels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. Again,no one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything and then tell him he should read the instructions because the boxsays "some assembly required." It will ruin his special day. He will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, JohnDeere, Valley RV Center and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are alsoexcellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what the gift is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Mustbe something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook (but they will barbecue). Get him a monsterbarbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge!Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a NY Giants game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "ARetrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why,please refer to Rule #8 (Remember what happens when he gets a label maker?)

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a realman a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts.Nothing says "I love you" like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

[Wahalla]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cellphone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train"."Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss"."No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue,hang up the phone and come back to bed."Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

[RichD]

[Wahalla]

During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse andblood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds oftrouble."The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor."No! No! .... Just stick out your tongue!"

A boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first time.The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until nextpay day"The boy replies 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't getany of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris? The wife.

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a slapper, get out of mybed right now and take your ****ing mates with you'

A friend of mine says he is making love to twins, I said ' How can you tell the difference?'He said ' Her brother has got a moustache".

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended intochaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'

Hubby has ' I love you' tattooed on his penis, and goes home to show his wife, she says'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'

[Wahalla]

God said to John come forth and you shall receive eternal life. John came fifth and won atoaster.

God said to man you shall find good and obedient women in all corners of the earth.Then he made the earth round and he laughed and laughed.

Why do men like women in leather?? The smell reminds them of a new golf bag.

Women are like an I-phone - you have to touch everything to get anything to work!!

Men are like Blackberrys - roll one ball and everything works.

[Wahalla]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When thebartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back,
"I've just found outthat my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife...

[Wahalla]

For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on BBC Radio 4, this is Britishhumour at its best.

Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the cost of entryinto Premiership football matches where ticket prices of £60 or £100 per game is notuncommon.

An elderly chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at theturnstiles when the attendant greeted him with: "That will be ten quid, mate".

"What?!" the old chap said, "I could get a woman for that!"

Without batting an eyelid, the fellow on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes eachway with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!”

[Wahalla]

Two old friends met at the golf course.
"Hey, how's it going?" asked the first.
"Not so good," answered the second.
"My wife's divorcing me."
"Why that's terrible!" said the first.
"What happened?"
The second replied, "I made a five and half footer on the eighteen green."
"So what's wrong with making a putt?" asked the first.The second replied,
"It wasn't a putt. It was a brunette."

[Wahalla]

This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-termexam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed......................................
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating theend of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can'tget it.

[Wahalla]

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurantserved curry. I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for myhusband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were allSpanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our ownswimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows thesand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I oftenneeded to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no eggslicerin the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store doesnot sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during thebus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would havemade our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americansonly three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ourswas significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressersand we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionistspoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so manyforeigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before wetravel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed ina room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for thefact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the roomthat we booked."BE AWARE ... THEY WALK AMONG US ----- and THEY VOTE!

[Wahalla]

My wife and I went to the Royal Welsh Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped atwas the breeding bulls..
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled andsaid, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULLMATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'.My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's three times a week !..........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THISBULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once aday ....

You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

[Peasie]