Hymn # 365

[kia027]

Hymn #365



This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it..

A minister was completing a temperance sermon.. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river..'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

[sistactry]

Re: Hymn # 365

dwl~,

[Diplomat]

Re: Hymn # 365

Good one

[kia027]

Re: irish reunion

Irish Reunion

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a
while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help
but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland
might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "So am I! Sure and begorra. And what
street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on
McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I!
So did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I went to St. Mary's, of
course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I.
Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in
1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down
upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in
the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from
St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!"

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and
orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shakes his head,
and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
__,_._,___

[Marielle]

Re: irish reunion

Irish eh?

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY:

Artery........................... The study of paintings

Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria

Barium........................What doctors do when patients die

Benign.........................What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section............ A neighbourhood in Rome

Catscan....................... Searching for Kitty

Cauterize..................... Made eye contact with her

Colic...........................A sheep dog

Coma.......................... A punctuation mark

Dilate..........................To live long

Enema........................ Not a friend

Fester......................... Quicker than someone else

Fibula......................... A small lie

Impotent........................Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain.................... Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff...................A Doctor's cane

Morbid..........................A higher offer

Nitrates..................... ..Cheaper than day rates

Node............................I knew it

Outpatient......................A person who has fainted

Pelvis..........................Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative..................A letter carrier

Recovery Room...................Place to do upholstery

Rectum..........................Nearly killed him

Secretion.......................Hiding something

Seizure.........................Roman emperor

Tablet......................... A small table

Terminal Illness.............. Getting sick at the airport

Tumour.........................One plus one more

Urine..........................Opposite of you're out

[kia027]

Cup of Tea

Cup of Tea .

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, smiling, (as only a mother would know..

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

[Dr.Dudd]

Re: Cup of Tea

You certainly tyaught your father a lesson at an early age.

[trelawnysmall]

Poor Bob


<span style="font-weight: bold">POOR BOB </span>


Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week
bowling, and plays golf every Saturday .



His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she
takes him to a local strip club..



The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'



His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.



'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league .



When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.



His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did
she know that you drink Budweiser?'



'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.



I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'



A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says,



'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'



Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club..



Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.



Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have
mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none
of it .



She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter word in the book.



The cabby turns around and says,



'Geez Bob, you picked up a real b i t ch this time.'



Bob's funeral will be on Friday .

[halfwaytree]

Re: Poor Bob

[britisha]

Re: Poor Bob

[sistactry]

Re: Poor Bob

[DC]

Re: Poor Bob

Good ones!

[DC]

Re: Poor Bob



<span style="font-size: 14pt">You Must Have Loved Your Mother-In-Law</span>

<span style="font-size: 11pt">George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul then advised that in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, &quot;I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do.&quot;

The Consul, after hearing this, says &quot;You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price.&quot;

&quot;No, it's not that,&quot; says George. &quot;You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance.
</span>

[kia027]

Re: Poor Bob

[kia027]

Re: Who is Guilty?

Wife dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts:

&quot;Wake Up! Quick! My husband is back.

Man gets up, jumps out the window, hurts himself, and then realizes:
&quot;Damn, I am the husband!&quot;

Now tell me, who's guilty here?