Dis mek mi laugh

[DC]

<span style="font-weight: bold">Three Jamaican sons</span>

Three Jamaican sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give to their elderly mother:

The first son said, &quot;Mi bill a big house wid land an gi mama.&quot;

The second son said, &quot;Mi sen har a cris Benz wid a driver&quot;

The third smiled and said, &quot;Mi beat di 2 a unnu. Yuh memba how Mama use to love fi read har Bible? An yuh know seh she cyaan see too good. Mi sen har a Church parrot dat recite di entire Bible. It tek di elders inna di church 15
years fi teach im. Im exclusive man. Mama jus ha-fi name di chapter an di verse, an di parrot wi recite it.&quot;

Soon thereafter, Mother sent out her letters of thanks:

<span style="font-weight: bold">&quot;Milton,</span>&quot; she wrote one son, &quot;A weh duh yuh bwoy, a chupid yuh chupid suh. Di house yuh bill too big. A mi one live inna one room, but mi always ha fi a clean di whole house.&quot;

<span style="font-weight: bold">&quot;Winston,&quot;</span> she wrote to another, &quot;Yuh a eediat, yuh dun know mi too old fi travel. Mi always inna di yard, suh mi nuh use di Mercedes an di driver im too dyam facey!&quot;

&quot;Dearest <span style="font-weight: bold">Delroy</span>,&quot; she wrote to her third son, &quot;you have the good sense fi know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.&quot;

__________________________
<span style="font-style: italic">Parrot an chicken..same differance </span>

[kia027]

Re: Dis mek mi laugh

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

[diabolical_Tanya]

Re: Dis mek mi laugh

TOO FUNNY !




CHILI COOK OFF
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: &quot;Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.&quot;
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
************************************************** *nbsp;MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy crap! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

**************************************** ******2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

*********************************************** - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

*********************************************** - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods; not mu ch of a chili.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

***********************************************LI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

*********************************************** - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rearend with a snow cone.

***********************************************LI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*********************************************** - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller! Wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No report.

[Compry]

Re: Dis mek mi laugh

Tanya, apparently our Wendy wrote this. I posted it years ago and someone mentioned it.

[sistactry]

Re: Dis mek mi laugh

too funny,

[diabolical_Tanya]

Re: Dis mek mi laugh

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Compray</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Tanya, apparently our Wendy wrote this. I posted it years ago and someone mentioned it. </div></div> seriously mad Wendy of suss report fame? mi juss get it in an email

[Jazz]

Re: Dis mek mi laugh

Compray -there is a Jcan version of this that has circulated (substitute Jerk sauce and chicken for chili) and I don;t believe it was written by Wendy.

[Compry]

Re: Dis mek mi laugh

That's the one I posted and someone responded to the thread that it was Wendy's. Whoever wrote it...it is very funny.

[Compry]

Re: Dis mek mi laugh

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Click to reveal.. <input type="button" class="form-button" value="Show me!" onclick="toggle_spoiler(this, 'Yikes, my eyes!', 'Show me!')" /></div><div class="ubbcode-body"><div style="display: none;">Notes From An Inexperienced Jerk Chicken Taster Named FRANK,

from Boston, who was visiting Jamaica:

&quot;Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Jamaica, to be a judge at a Jerk Chicken cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Jamaicans) that the Jerk Chicken wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Plate # 1: &quot;Mosiah's Hell Raiser Jerk Chicken&quot;
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on pimento. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Plate # 2: &quot;Shatta's Mo Fyah Jerk Chicken&quot;
JUDGE ONE: Smoky flavor. Slight Scotch Bonnet tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this @#$%&amp; out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Plate # 3: &quot;Willie's Backstrech Burn Jerk Chicken&quot;
JUDGE ONE: Great kick. Needs more spices.
JUDGE TWO: A bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a &amp;%$#@ joke. Call the @#$%&amp; EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got the &amp;$@%# out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Plate # 4: &quot;Wasp's Black Magic&quot;
JUDGE ONE: Almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Good side dish for other mild foods.
FRANK: &amp;%$#@!!! I felt something scraping across my tongue, but I was unable to taste it. Miss Icey, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Plate # 5: &quot;My Yout's Legal Lip Remover&quot;
JUDGE ONE: Scotch Bonnet peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Must admit the Scotch Bonnet peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed the &amp;%$#@ paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her Jerk Chicken had given me brain damage. Miss Icey saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Plate # 6: &quot;Shelly T's Very Spicy Variety&quot;
JUDGE ONE: Good balance of spices and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and spices. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Plate # 7: &quot;Wally's Screaming Sensation Jerk Chicken&quot;
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre Jerk Chicken with too much reliance on bottled seasoning.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw on bottled seasoning at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: I think these @$%&amp; people are trying to kill me!!! You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with Jerk, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At the autopsy they'll know what the &amp;$#@ killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Plate # 8: &quot;Portia's Delight&quot;
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend Jerk Chicken, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced Jerk Chicken, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the Jerk Chicken platter on top of himself.
FRANK: -------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)</div></div></div>

[Yvonne N.]

Re: Dis mek mi laugh

<span style="font-weight: bold">Restaurant Pickup </span>

A Jamaican guy enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of the most expensive champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it she will be his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the young lady, saying that its from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the jamaican, the note reads…
“For me to accept this bottle you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank and 9 inches in your trousers.”
After Reading this note the Jamaican sends back a note of his own, it reads…

“jus su yuh know…me av a bran new benz an a bran new bimma park up inna mi yard, an mi av over 10 million inna de bank but nuhbaddy an mi mean NUHBADDY nah gon mek mi cut 3 inch off a wah mi av inna mi pants…suh yuh can jus sen back di champagne!”





<span style="font-weight: bold">New Truck</span>


One day, Rambo was walking down King Street when he saw his friend Shabba driving a brand new pickup. Shabba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
“Shabba, where’d you get that truck?!?”
“Wendy gave it to me” Shabba replied.
“She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”
“Well, Rambo, let me tell you what happened. We were driving up Hope Road , late last night. Wendy pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed to Hope Garden. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, ‘Shabba, take whatever you want’.
So I took the truck!”
“Shabba, you’re a smart man!”
“Them clothes woulda never fit you!”

[CeaBee]

Re: Dis mek mi laugh

[quote]estaurant Pickup

A Jamaican guy enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of the most expensive champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it she will be his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the young lady, saying that its from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the jamaican, the note reads…
“For me to accept this bottle you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank and 9 inches in your trousers.”
After Reading this note the Jamaican sends back a note of his own, it reads…

“jus su yuh know…me av a bran new benz an a bran new bimma park up inna mi yard, an mi av over 10 million inna de bank but nuhbaddy an mi mean NUHBADDY nah gon mek mi cut 3 inch off a wah mi av inna mi pants…suh yuh can jus sen back di champagne!” /quote]

[DC]

Re: Dis mek mi laugh

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Kia</div><div class="ubbcode-body">The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.' </div></div>

[DC]

Re: Dis mek mi laugh

<span style="font-weight: bold"><span style="font-size: 14pt">Tree likkle bears .... Jamaican version :</span> </span>

<span style="font-size: 11pt">Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. &quot;Mama, s'maddy nyam me porridge!!&quot; he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his bowl, and it is also empty. &quot;A who eat mi porridge?!!&quot; he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells at the top of her voice, &quot;Ah me get up first and wake up everybody else ina de house. A me mek de tea. A me wash up di dish dem and put weh everyting. A me go out inna de cold morning air an fetch de newspaper.. A me set de table. An a me put out de puss, clean de litter box an full de water and food dish. An now unuh decide fe drag oono sorry _____ self downstairs and grace mi kitchen wid unuh grumpy self! Well mek mi tell oonu dis once an far all.......... MI NUH MEK DE _____ PARRIDGE YET!!&quot; </span>

[DC]

Re: Dis mek mi laugh

<span style="font-style: italic">Another one...</span>

<span style="font-size: 11pt">The National Poetry Contest was now down to the last two contestants;

A Yale graduate and a Jamaican Rasta man. They were given a word and were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was &quot;Timbuktu&quot;.

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

&quot;Slowly across the desert sand,
trecked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels.two by two;
their destination? Timbuktu.

A big applause went up!

No way could the Rasta man top that, they thought.
The Rasta man calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

&quot;Me and Tim, went on de road,
three thief stop wi, an want wi load.
They were three, and we were two.
So I bucked one and Tim-Buck-Two (Timbuktu).</span>