unno meembah dis one

[Emperah]

Re: BOADWL

TREE HUGGER


When you think you're having a bad day ...
read this and know that it could have been worse.




While walking through Golden Gate Park in San
Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a
tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing
this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are
you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other
man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."
So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed
his ear up against it. With this, the other guy
slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet,
watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw
this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and
asked, "What happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he
got there. When he finished his story, the other guy
shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him,
kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just
ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

[Emperah]

Re: BOADWL

That's when the fight started...



One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started....

_______________________________________

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started...

__________________________________________________ ______________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...

__________________________________________________ ______________________

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started......

__________________________________________________ ______________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started....

__________________________________________________ ______________________

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

__________________________________________________ ______________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started....

__________________________________________________ ______________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her , 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...

I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

__________________________________________________ ______________________

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.. he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

__________________________________________________ ______________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf '

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[kia027]

Re: BOADWL

World Cup 2010 - Questions from tourists

These questions about South Africa are actual questions posted on a South African
Tourism Website. Answered by the website owner (great sense of Humour this guy!)

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send
me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad
tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes...


Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South
Africa? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific.
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which
does not...oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don 't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. Most
South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[ILP]

Re: BOADWL

aye sah

[CuriousLady]

Re: unno meembah dis one

That is tooo funnnyy!!!ROFL

[LusciousJohnson]

Re: BOADWL

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: dahJahPawtTwo</div><div class="ubbcode-body">TREE HUGGER


When you think you're having a bad day ...
read this and know that it could have been worse.




While walking through Golden Gate Park in San
Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a
tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing
this he inquired, &quot;Just out of curiosity, what are
you doing?&quot;

&quot;I'm listening to the music of the tree,&quot; the other
man replied.

&quot;You've gotta be kiddin' me.&quot;

&quot;No, would you like to give it a try?&quot;

Understandably curious, the man says, &quot;Well, OK...&quot;
So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed
his ear up against it. With this, the other guy
slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet,
watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw
this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and
asked, &quot;What happened to you?&quot;

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he
got there. When he finished his story, the other guy
shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him,
kissed him gently behind the ear and said, &quot;This just
ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...&quot;

</div></div>

[LusciousJohnson]

Re: BOADWL

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: dahJahPawtTwo</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> That's when the fight started...



One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, &quot;Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!&quot;

And that's how the fight started....

_______________________________________

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started...

__________________________________________________ ______________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...

__________________________________________________ ______________________

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started......

__________________________________________________ ______________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started....

__________________________________________________ ______________________

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

__________________________________________________ ______________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started....

__________________________________________________ ______________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her , 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...

I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

__________________________________________________ ______________________

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.. he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

__________________________________________________ ______________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf '

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


</div></div>

classic! always love these!