Happy Tuesday,

[sistactry]

One night a man who makes coffins on North Street was on his way to deliver one of the coffins when his vehicle broke down in front of May Pen Cemetry.



Trying not to be late, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.



Some Jamaican policemen saw him and thinking they could hastle him and get bribe money from him, they challenged him saying: Heh bwoy, a whey yu a go wid dat coffin pon yu head? "If a tief yu tief it yu a go jail tonight".



The man realising that they are expecting him to offer them a bribe quickly replies.

"Officer, yu waa see me no really like how dem bury me inna May Pen yu know, so me jus a relocate meself to Dovecot".



The police men took off like a bolt of lightning, leaving their patrol car behind.

[kia027]

Re: Happy Tuesday,

[MsExced]

Re: Happy Tuesday,

[sistactry]

Re: Happy Tuesday,

dwl, is wha mek anytime we hear duppy, big or small, ketch dem fraid,

[sistactry]

Happy Wednesday

An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.





I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'



'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'



'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.



'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.



'Where's my toast ?'


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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'



'Because she can still drive!'


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Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'



Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'


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A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'



'Twelve thirty..'


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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''



The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


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One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[sistactry]

Re: Happy Wednesday

The Why's of Men?



1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(Because they are plugged into a genius)



2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(They don't have enough time)


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(They don't stop to ask directions)



4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(Because their testicals fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)



5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN
DOGS?

(So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)



6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


7 HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(Don't know.....it never happened)



(C'mon guys, we laugh at your Blonde jokes!)


And the personal favorite:



8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

; (Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)



Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart !


One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied.
'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma '

And they say blondes are dumb...
-------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

-----------------------------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

------------------------------------------ -----------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

-----------------------------------------------------------------------! ----------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

[R00TS]

Re: Happy Wednesday

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (Because they are plugged into a genius) </div></div>

[R00TS]

Re: Happy Wednesday




<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> 'Where's my toast ?'
</div></div>

[Wendy]

Re: Happy Tuesday,

DWL @ di duppy joke

[sistactry]

Re: Happy Wednesday

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: R00TS</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (Because they are plugged into a genius) </div></div>

</div></div>

u kno,

me luvvv how dem put it dow, bout plugged in,